Can you love your husband even when he’s being unlovable?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today author Joy McMillan joins us with this great encouragement to see beyond the things that irk us to the heart of our marriage–and our husbands. Love it!
Here’s Joy:
A sweet friend of mine texted me a while back with a plea that read something like this…”please write a post on loving our husbands when they’re being unlovable. I need it and know a few women who could really use the encouragement right now“. Being the great friend that I am (ahem), I stashed it away in my mental vault and promptly forgot about it.
Until recently. When my hubby was being a smidge unlovable. Go figure.
I considered entitled this post: “You’re Being A Punk…But I Still Love You”, but erred on the side of grace.
Here are a few simple words of wisdom from a perfectly imperfect wife who has, admittedly, told her hubby on occasion to stop being a punk.
1. Husband Being Unlovable? Check Yo’ Self
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past 12 years of marriage it’s this: unrealistic and unspoken expectations will destroy a relationship. It is so easy to assume, especially when you’ve been married for a while, that your husband knows what you need or want, when you need or want it. Clear communication, seasoned with grace, is essential in making a relationship work. I think we forget how very differently we’re wired; between our upbringing, personal baggage, temperament and personality, along with the fact that men and women are cut from entirely different cloth. If we aren’t clearly communicating our needs, which are not to be confused with unrealistic expectations, the chances that they’ll be met are slim.
Occasionally my hubby will distance himself emotionally from me because he can sense a low-grade level of dissatisfaction from me. When I get disenchanted with him because he’s not meeting my expectations, out of self-preservation, he withdraws.
It’s amazing how easily we can bring out the best – or the worst – in our loved ones.
With this being said, let your hubby off the hook. There’s a tremendous difference between living with lofty expectations and living life with expectancy. Master the latter.
Our identity, security and worth were never intended to be forged through them. Affirmed, yes. Nurtured, yes. But not established and maintained. We love our husbands well when we stop demanding that they meet needs they were never designed to meet.
If you find yourself often offended at your husband for little things, check out this post: believe he means well!
2. Speak life {or Zip Your Lip}
Our words are powerful weapons…they can be used to destroy, or defend. We can either fight with, or fight for, our guys.
I don’t know about you, but my filter malfunctions frequently. I blurt something out and then lament my complete inability to think before I speak when passion is coursing through my veins. When I get fired up, my mouth can get me in trouble.
But here’s the deal: in a world of raging negativity, criticism and disrespect, we can be a safe haven for our husbands. I want my hubby to know that whatever he faces out there in the world, his name is safe in my mouth. I will honor him with my words, rather than cut him down, and I will never publicly embarrass or disrespect him. We never speak negatively about each other in front of our kids, because we realize the power we have to enhance or destroy the way they see the other. It’s not always easy when blood pressure runs high, but it’s a commitment we’ve made…and it has made all the difference in our family.
And you know, friends, the truth of the matter is…our husbands are only as great as we believe them to be. What we speak reveals what we believe. And they will live up to what we believe about them.
It’s easy to pick out the dirt in other people’s lives, and it’s even easier to talk about it because it makes us feel better about our own dirt. But we love our husbands well when we choose to speak life instead, when we intentionally choose to seek out the gold we know is sometimes buried beneath their temporary punkiness. Go for the gold, girlfriend.
3. Don’t Drink the Poison
I’ve heard it said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison hoping to hurt another. This poison is particularly potent when drunk within marriage.
On the flip side, resilience and grace are two of the healthiest ingredients we can add to our relationships, and should be consumed in large quantities, frequently. We are imperfect humans married to imperfect humans, in an imperfect world. We will disappoint, and we will be disappointed.
What a gift we give each other when we choose to live unoffended!
In the same way a house is kept in order more easily by sweeping through it daily and making sure things are roughly in their right place, a marriage is kept free of clutter when we make a point of not allowing baggage to accumulate. In other words, don’t allow the sun to go down on your anger. Graciously unpack your baggage together daily – uncomfortable as it may be in the moment – and refuse to let bitterness or resentment simmer overnight. Don’t sleep on it.
Forgiveness isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. Even though our hearts may hurt, we can choose to lay down the grievance and give up our right to seek revenge.
While we may feel slighted at times, and may be tempted to demand a blood sacrifice to right a wrong, we love our husbands well when we don’t drink the poison, when we keep our tabs short and make grace more important than justice.
Sheila says: Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we don’t deal with real issues, however. If, in your marriage, the things that need forgiveness are more like emotionally abusive words, addictions, or even physical abuse, please read this post on how to stand up to your husband and this one on not being an enabler.
4. Seduce the Dude
We may claim to not know how vital sex is to the health of our marriages, but the proof is in the pudding. Have you ever noticed the direct connection between the way your husband interacts with you emotionally and how long it’s been since you’ve connected physically?
When life gets busy and we don’t intentionally carve out time for us to reconnect and have a heavenly hoorah!…well, let’s just say…everyone’s a punk.
We know that most men have an overwhelming physical need for sex, but we often fail to recognize that our hubbies’ sex drives are intricately connected to their ability to feel like a ‘real man’. Shaunti Feldhand, in her book For Women Only, expands on this discovery, noting their overwhelming emotional need for sex as well. While they may not express their heart the way we do – that level of raw communication does not come naturally to most men – our husbands struggle with deep feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Making love makes them feel desired, it improves their confidence and self-esteem, and boosts their well-being and performance in every area.
So, even though it can be a struggle to want to be intimate with someone who’s not being particularly lovable, we love our husbands well when we choose to be selfless, rather than selfish, honoring the fact that God created them to crave physical connection as a way of reconnecting with us emotionally.
Joy McMillan is a speaker, writer, graphic design and coach. Author of “XES: Why Church Girls Tend To Get It Backwards…and How To Get It Right” and founder of the We ROAR Project, she’s passionate about empowering women to embrace their stories, live out their passion with purpose, and leave a legacy of love. Born and raised in Southern Africa, Joy has made her home in Michigan with her hubby and their two lovely loin-fruit.
Find her online at simplybloom.org and on Instagram @simplybloomjoy.
Thanks, Joy!
Now let me know in the comments: What’s the hardest one for you?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Love this article! It’s way too easy to get offended by small things and then let them grow into big things in our minds. One of my biggest hurdles in marriage has been learning to let things go rather than hold onto them. “What a gift we give each other when we choose to live unoffended.” So true!
I agree! Nice to see you here today, Bree.
Oh, Bree – YES! I totally agree. It’s a delicate dance we will do throughout life…what to deal with and what to let go.
I agree with Bree! It’s easy to get offended. It is actually my barometer to know if I am still harboring unforgiveness or resentment in my heart. The easier I get offended, the more I know I need to get some things right with God.
Yes, I find that, too. When I am too caught up in myself I get offended far more often!
This is a pleasant post, but I think it needs some permanent linkys (please):
1. https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2016/01/wifey-wednesday-believe-means-well/
2. https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2016/02/women-are-strong/
For this quote: She can talk to her pastor or a good friend and ask them to sit down with the couple, together. She can continue to talk to her husband, calmly, and say, “this isn’t going away and I’m not giving up until this is sorted out.”
3.https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/01/wifey-wednesday-are-you-a-spouse-or-an-enabler/
Because some women reading this, are reading because their husband’s “unlovely” actions involve say, leaving dirty clothes on the floor instead of the hamper, or dirty dishes all over the counters, or habitually but accidentally paying bills late (hence link #1)
But some women reading this, are reading because their husband’s “unlovely” actions involve say, drinking until he snarls every night, or making his wife the butt of jokes – even in front of the children and guests. (hence links #2 and 3)
Great additions! Thank you. You’re right; there is a difference between normal, everyday disagreements and something which is a big character issue which is endangering the marriage, and we really shouldn’t treat the two different things the same way. I’ll add those links now!
(by the way, I’m really honoured that you know my posts well enough to suggest those three! Those are ones I would have chosen, too. )
Just put those links in!
Thanks Sheila, all your posts have really helped me in becoming a better wife.
Thank you so much. And thank you for tackling the hard subjects.
Such excellent points! Thank you for pointing out the chasm between the ‘irritants’ and the ‘intimacy-destroyers’.
This is great. I have had to learn not to take it personally, even if he is directing his punkness at me personally. It does still push my buttons, so I zip my lips (to avoid throwing gasoline on the fire) and give him space. Or, if my skin is particularly thick that day, I speak about the matter at hand and not about his direct assault.
There is no seducing him if he is being unloving, though. He sees it as a challenge, an assault, a control tactic. So, I just have to wait it out from a distance and throw, “I still love you’s” at him.
What a great post- definitely a reminder I needed.
Love #1 about having unrealistic expectations. Our husbands will try to meet them for a while, but eventually, they just give up.
It’s easy to expect more from my husband than I do for myself.
Good reminders. Thanks!
It sure is. Holding up a mirror is always harder than just raising up our expectations of them. Thanks for your input, Rebecca!
I can confirm #4 is effective.
Linked to your post as one of our Best Christian Sex Links of the Week.
Sheila, I need a fellow Christian wifes honest advice. Do you have an email to write to? I am struggling with unhappiness in my marriage, I feel like there is no hope for myself and my husband to ever be happy, and I hate how much I am growing bitter towards him. I know I am carrying a spirit of unforgiveness and I need some advice.
Hi Michelle, you can email me at [email protected], but unfortunately I can’t respond personally to emails anymore. I just get too many of them. Most of my advice can be found in my Marriage FAQs in this post. And if you’re really struggling, I’d really suggest finding a counselor or a mentor you can talk to.
You can also try FamilyLife Ministries – tons of articles, and resources and go to a Weekend to Remember WTR conference at any cost.
Should have put the link
http://www.familylife.com/
You may be able to plug into a “re engage” group near you. Go to http://www.marriagehelp.org/churches to see if there is a local group. We have couples that come in from a 2 hour drive weekly…it really is that impactful!
What are these Unrealistic expectations you speak of? Expecting him to be honest? Faithful? Marginally attentive? Respectful most of the time? Not ignore me all day and night for the friggin TV like I don’t exist? I don’t understand what other women are Expecting from their husbands that is so far fetched. Most of the women I know only have these marginal expectations like I did. Now I don’t seem to have any because hardly any of my needs have ever been met after we got married. Why do men change so much for the worse after marriage?
OH!!! Did I NEED to read this!! I absolutely LOVE this!! The first one made me laugh out loud – Check yo self!! Truth!!! Last night I was upset with my husband because he got up and said I have to go to bed, didn’t kiss me goodnight, didn’t let the dogs out…. both pet peeves of mine… but I remembered your post “Believe He Means Well” and I was able to give it to God and let it go as ME being irrational, and him just being tired, not doing it “on purpose”. A lot of times I feel like he does things to make me mad… but, then I realize it’s ME, not him!!!
Unmet expectations. Yep!! In Alanon I learned a long time ago that “an expectation is a premeditated resentment.” So true in my life, and specifically in my marriage!! My husband often says to me to think before I speak (he is a retired police officer and HAD to do this at work every day for 30 years!) I am working on it but it is hard sometimes!!
Don’t drink the poison, and Seduce the Dude… both SO right on!!! You’ve encouraged THIS wife tonight to be the wife God wants me to be! Thank you so much for this post. I love your page and your heart!!!
I am trying so hard to remember it is not about me and him really. It is hard though when I feel that none of my feelings are discussed and therefor they always find a way to resurface, I believe mostly because they are never resolved in the first place. I like the idea that one should never sleep on it, however, I am finding it difficult to do that as my husband is not very communicative. He really does not like talking and he doesn’t understand why I need to talk about everything. When he says everything, I don’t really understand because here I am thinking that I am really filtering the things I bring up, and yet he still finds it overwhelming. Is it really unrealistic to expect some attention, we (un)fortunately work together and are therefor in the same space almost 24 hours a day, home, gym, work, home. That is the routine. I try to only do “work” interaction while we are at work and not bring our home life to the office, but for some reason my husband counts the time spent at the office as time spent together. How do I get through him.