You’ve begged your husband, maybe for years, to help you more around the house.
You’ve cried that you feel so alone. You’ve told him that you feel like he doesn’t really care about you–he doesn’t do nice things for you, he’s not affectionate, he’s all bottled up. You never have serious conversations. When there are issues, he refuses to talk about them, and if you bring something up, he gets mad and tells you that you’re just making trouble.
Does any of that sound familiar?
I hope not, but I know for many of you it does.
Today’s Wednesday, the day we always talk marriage.
And today I’m going to start a two-day series on what to do when you’re married to a guy who just doesn’t seem to care about you–and your husband won’t change.
- I’m going to tell you a story of a woman like that.
- Then I’m going to let Gary Thomas diagnose the problem, using a blog post that he wrote called “Why Men Won’t Change.”
- Then we’re going to come back here tomorrow and answer the question: What does she do now?
So let’s jump in as I tell you all about a woman I’m going to call Heather.
Here’s Heather’s story:
Heather grew up as a people pleaser. Her house was filled with tension, and she learned the best way to survive was to not be noticed. She wouldn’t talk about her feelings or her problems; she’d bottle them up. She learned how to care for the house, because that seemed to make her mom happy–and besides, when she didn’t cook, often there was nothing for dinner.
She dreamed about a life where she would be with a man who truly cherished and loved her and who would keep her safe. They would spend hours talking each night. He would be interested in what she had to say. She would finally feel like she was part of a team.
She met Bill, a man who was a pillar in their church. He came from a long line of strong Christians, and he had volunteered in different church ministries and in city-wide ministries for years. He was involved in Bible studies. He was a good guy. When they got married she could picture her happy family.
Unfortunately, Bill had grown up with a distant father. He was very close to his mother, who often babied him, because he was his mom’s emotional connection. His dad was harsh and quite unaffirming. So Bill didn’t know very much about affection or intimacy.
When they married, Heather was looking forward to a partnership. But in that first week of marriage, Bill kept asking, “what’s for dinner?” Heather hoped they’d discuss it together, but she realized Bill expected her to make dinner. So she did.
Bill never cleared the table, so Heather did.
Bill would leave his dishes around the house, so Heather would pick them up and put them in the dishwasher.
Heather felt more and more disappointed.
Bill sensed it, and began withdrawing a little more everyday. When the kids came along, their marriage had a renewed vigor because now they had something really in common. They could talk about the kids and the logistics and what they would do to plan for the kids. But they never really talked about their couplehood.
Over the years they had other issues–money issues, in-law issues, job issues. If Heather tried to bring something up, Bill would say he had it under control and would storm out of the room if she kept pressing. “He won’t talk to me,” she would say.
They both were great parents, but Heather did everything, and was starting to resent the fact that nobody helped her around the house–not even any of the four kids. She’d complain, but no one would do anything. And she spent almost every night chauffeuring kids somewhere.
One night, while on one of her chauffeur runs, her car was hit by a drunk driver. Heather’s son emerged with minor whiplash, but Heather hurt her back terribly. She spent weeks in the hospital, during which her family relied on takeout and the laundry piled up.
She was released from hospital with a surgery date six months later and strict instructions to stay off of her feet. If she lifted anything too much, or bent too much, she would endanger the chances of success of the surgery.
So Heather gets home, and the place looks like a tornado hit. She hobbles up the stairs and lies down on the couch. Her husband comes in the room, looks at her on the couch, and says, “do you want me to order pizza?”
Heather looks at him in astonishment. “Well, what do you expect me to do?”
The next night, when Bill comes home from work, he finds Heather on her feet, trying to clean up the living room. He sits down on the couch and asks, “what’s for dinner?”
Heather loses it, and for the first time in her marriage she yells at him. She can’t walk, and he can’t even make dinner?
This is it, she decides. For almost two decades she has done everything for this man. She has tried being nice. She has made the home livable. She has raised their children. She has washed laundry and cooked countless meals. And now she’s done. If, after all that, her husband can’t even make dinner, then what is the point of even being married? No one truly cares about her. At least if she were on her own she wouldn’t have to clean up his messes.
How could a man who loves God so much treat his wife so terribly? How could he not see what she needed? How could he be so heartless?
Okay, ladies, that’s the story.
I hope you can’t relate, but I know some of you can, because I have heard pretty much this exact same story from three women who are very close to me (and this story is an amalgamation of their stories).
Why would a man who is so good to everyone else take his wife for granted so badly? Why would he not see what he’s doing to her? Why won’t her husband change?
Gary Thomas has the answer, in a brilliant blog post called “Why Men Don’t Change“.
Based on his work with Dr. Melody Rhodes, a gifted counselor, Gary argues that many men suffer from “functional fixedness”, where you’re not motivated by your wife’s pain to do anything. You’re only motivated by your own pain. So a wife can complain and cry and try to explain how much she’s hurting, and the only effect will be to have him try to cut off the conversation, because the conversation makes him uncomfortable (and it’s his own discomfort that he cares about).
According to Dr. Rhode, men don’t normally change if what they’ve been doing appears to work for them. For example, when a woman allows her husband to treat her with disrespect, he has no motivation to change—and so it’s unlikely he ever will.
You really need to read the rest of the article. Now.
Did you read it? If not, go read it. Gary Thomas explains the spiritual repercussions of functional fixedness, and how we should approach it. He doesn’t lay out what a wife in this situation should do–that’s for another blog post that’s coming, he promises–but the analysis is spot on. It’s something I argue a lot in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–God does not want us to allow others to treat us with disrespect. It’s not good for us, but it’s also not good for them. It makes them spiritually stunted.
What's in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage?
Have you spent your whole marriage trying to be NICE to your husband, but you haven’t really been GOOD?
In 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, we look at what God really wants for marriage–for both of us to look more and more like Him. And sometimes the way that we act in marriage makes that less likely. We become angry and bitter, but our husbands also learn that it’s okay to treat us with disrespect.
See how getting a different view of what God wants in marriage can actually transform your marriage–so that you’re both loving and respecting each other properly.
But I want you to hold on to that idea–that people tend to continue to do what is working for them. And then tomorrow we’re going to revisit Heather’s story, and ask the question: “Is Heather’s best move to leave the husband who is treating her so badly?”
I have a lot to say on that subject, but before I give my opinion, why don’t you all give me yours? Leave a comment and tell me what you think of Gary Thomas’ diagnosis, and what you think Heather should do!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This is EXACTLY what I’m going through. Only difference is we have been married for 5 years and have 2 kids. Is there anyone who does online counselling??? I think we really need it. 🙁
Please check out Leslie Vernick at http://www.leslievernick.com. She has a great book called “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage”.
Leslie has a more hope to offer than “Choices—including the choice of who we marry—have consequences”.
I second that! Very good book. And I’ll be sharing more tomorrow about what actually to do in these situations, too!
I am a Christian Counselor/Therapist, and I find Leslie Vernick’s work and blog to be THE most sensible, practical, and Biblically based work ever……for marriages such as this. I totally disagree with Gary Thomas’ stance that the wife needs to only pray for a changed heart in her husband, and that this is a spiritual problem primarily. That may have an element of truth, but there are some DEFINITE things the wife can DO. The WIFE can, and should, learn to take a stance that will make it PAINFUL for her husband to feel good in this marriage. Go check out Leslie Vernick. You’ll be glad you did!
Yes, I love Leslie’s work, and in the follow-up post to this I showed some practical steps that she could take, too. It definitely involves setting some serious boundaries!
I know Focus on the Family has links to a lot of counselors. I would really recommend looking into it, too! Don’t let the problems get bigger before you address them! I hope you find some there.
Thanks for replying Sheila! But he won’t talk to me about anything that concerns us. I’ve been trying to let him talk for months. Only thing we talk about are things involving the kids and money(I’m the sole breadwinner). I can’t even believe I’m typing this and putting my situation out there. That goes to show how depressed I am. 🙁
I’m in the same situation Anonymous. Anxious to hear what *works*.
Love Gary’s post and I completely agree with the diagnosis. We went through the same thing as newlyweds and trying to fix the outside didn’t work…at least not for the long term. When we finally started to focus on inward transformation (prayer, starting to look to God for our happiness instead of each other) AND put some boundaries in place, things began to change!
Loved your book. 9 Thoughts, cos it pretty much talks about the same thing!
Yes! It is what I said in 9 Thoughts. And I thought Gary put it really well. Now on to solutions tomorrow!
I can’t get the Gary Thomas article to load at this time (issue is on my end). However, I saw a lot of my story in “Heather’s.” From “Heather grew up as a people pleaser.” I spent nearly 20 years of our marriage thinking (wrongly) that it was up to me to “fix” my husband. Oh, yeah, I’m a fixer, too. The more responsibility I picked up, the more he abdicated. Of course alcoholism and drug addiction is a huge part of our story, and things really blew up when I got sober. After I was sober for nearly a year and a half, I could see that I was doing way more enabling than fixing. The more I worked, the worse he seemed to get. We had morphed from a husband-wife relationship to what was more like a mother-child relationship. He reached the point in his disease that addiction had him. I reached the point in my own recovery that I could finally see I had to stop cushioning his “rock bottom.” Whether or not our marriage is salvageable is still up in the air. I do know this: the marriage we had is over, and reconciliation will involve starting from scratch. And I will no longer assume sole responsibility for what went wrong.
Thanks for sharing that! Ironically, even though it may feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, you’re likely closer to a healthy marriage today than you were when it may have “looked” good because you were trying to fix it. When we’re closer to the truth, then we’re closer to health, even if it looks really messy in the meantime. Prayers for this!
Now that I have read the other article, I agree with it. Nothing changed until he started feeling pain, which was when I filed for separation and kicked him out. As an alcoholic myself, I didn’t change until the pain of the drinking was greater than the pain I was numbing with the alcohol. My prayers for him were rooted in my own selfish motives to get what I wanted rather than what was best for both of us. Hence why my sponsor tells me to pray for God to bless him in every way I want to be blessed myself. That last statement made much better sense in my head. 😉
Thanks for sharing this Sheila. The author got it right, it is not just men, and it really does require a change of heart that must come from within, that is in touch with God.
Though I be a man, I want to thank you for your writings and sharing.
You’re so welcome, Kevin. And no, it isn’t just men. I know many women who avoid these conversations, too.
Wow. What an interesting link. I was reading it thinking, I think this explains my wife’s reaction to me bringing up relationship issues. I have read in several blogs that it may be the threat of divorce that gets someone’s attention – even several sisters that said that was what got their attention and nothing else would. I wasn’t going to make the threat if I wasn’t really willing to go through with divorce, so I took several weeks really contemplating and determined that I wasn’t ready to do that. Even after I mentioned this to my wife she simply said, “That might make sense to some, but it doesn’t to me” and walked out of the room (shut down the conversation). So I had to just stop trying to have a relationship or I would emotionally be exhausted and sink into deep depression (again).
Thanks for the link. I is helpful to understand things a bit better.
I’m glad!
Really insightful blog post.
My husband and I went through exactly what Gary Thomas describes. When my husband ignored my requests to address our lack of sex life, I took it to mean that he didn’t care about me.
That wasn’t exactly it, though. He cared about me and my pain, just not as much as he cared about his own feelings of fear and awkwardness at addressing a topic that was painful to him.
It wasn’t until I stopped talking and wringing my hands, and drew a line in the sand that he finally was willing to change. Change takes more than talk. It takes action.
Exactly! That’s what’s going to be in part 2. 🙂
It’s easy to read this story and get upset and want to punch the guy! But there’s some background here that’s similar to ours. The husband’s family in this story sounds like my husband’s family. I, however, have never been a pleaser. I do pick up after my husband a lot, because he doesn’t see the need for neatness that I do. Sometimes I think I’m wisely avoiding excessive nagging; sometimes I worry I’m enabling laziness and just being Mom #2.
I think it’s important to remember that cleaning the house (or rather having a clean house) is something you do for itself and not for HIM. When you stop living to make your husband or society happy and just live as God intended a lot of this stress melts away.
You wouldn’t expect him to hold you responsible for getting his promotion would you?
Sheila I thank God I found your site .I am always motivated whenever I read your post and this is .another interesting piece.
Thanks
Wow, this is some powerful spiritual insight! the way we treat our spouse is the direct reflection of our spiritual state or maturity. The whole husband-wife verses like in Ephesians 5 and others gain a whole new dimension. There are not just a to do list but a state of heart! It’s so weird that we can deceive ourselves thinking we are super spiritual because all the nice things we do to people (which are good), but the real place to look is how we treat our spouse!
I read that article a while back. He’s right. But it definitely isn’t just men. All people are like this. You’re not going to change something that seemingly works for you (even dysfunctional patterns) until the pain of not changing is bigger than the pain of changing. That’s just basic human laziness. Gary Thomas makes it sound like it’s just bad, insensitive men that are like that. It’s not. It’s the sons of Adam and daughters of Eve. It’s just a combination of our inherent selfishness, pride and laziness.
Consider some examples: DUI citations. Everyone knows that drinking impairs your driving. Everyone knows that you could kill someone and die yourself in a car crash. Yet the government finds it necessary to impose strict penalties for DUIs. Because the theoretical knowledge of someone else’s pain is not compelling enough to accept inconvenience.
College students handing in hand scribbled papers, half crumpled up with poor English. They know it is unattractive. They know it makes it much harder to grade i.e. they are causing their teacher pain. Is the teacher’s pain worth making the extra effort to turn in presentable work? Not unless the teacher refuses to grade it.
Overeating especially on sugar. We know it’s bad for us. We know it will damage our bodies in the long run. Do we stop eating all the sugar? Typically not until we’ve had a health scare.
Very true!
My comment probably won’t be liked too much but I guess we shall see lol. The article linked is really long but in my humble opinion, Heather is the one in the wrong here. I don’t think I’ve ever resented my husband because I don’t do anything that I don’t want to do.
Now, before you write me off as a selfish wife, I just want to point out that Heather’s husband is probably cold and miserable because Heather’s passive-aggressiveness has made it hard to see the girl through the bitter old woman suit she has on.
I’m a terrible homemaker, I’ll admit, because I refuse to do anything I don’t find joy doing. My husband and I had an argument about this subject when I first stayed home after having children. I explained that I’m not trying to be a slob, but cleaning isn’t my focus and being a good mother is. I came home the next day to a Molly Maid, and long story short, Heather’s whole life could have been differently if they had bothered to spend $120/month on cleaning services.
Now I understand most people aren’t as fortunate as my husband and I, but the basic premise holds firm. Why would you ever harm your relationship over a problem that money can fix? Why would you spend years being resentful and bitter when you could simply plainly refuse to do the things you know foster resentment? At the end of the day, Heather’s husband didn’t help because Heather didn’t ask and Heather seemed happy enough to do it herself. If Heather had cared more about her marriage than the way her house looked, she would have a much better marriage in a very dirty house instead of a horrible marriage in a now equally dirty house.
That’s actually a great point! But I know that not everyone can afford it. But if you can…it really can cure a lot of problems.
Thank you for explaining functional fixedness. I have never heard of it and wish I would have before in all my sessions of counselling. It completly explains why the more I ask for empathy the less of it I seem to get. Such a losing battle.
But how do you get such a man to change? I am engaged to a man clearly described here. We are temporarily in a long distance relationship, and we have had at least 30 fights about him being non responsive to texts. I don’t mean during working hours either. Hours will go by and he just ignores me, often I really need to speak to him and he just won’t respond. I know he is not cheating, he just says he does not stay glued to his phone and I have pointed out that while we are distance it is important to have his phone on him and close to him at all times. He apologies and says he will, but then a week later we are back to the same, and instead of apologizing he gets defensive, angry and blame shifts. This has been going on for over a year. I am at my wits end here. I really don’t ask for much else and being in a distance relationship was not my choice, and appears harder for me than him. It seems my only choice is to leave, or is there another way to make him feel his personal pain? I have been kind, I have expressed how hurt I am, I have explained, I have cried I have talked until I am blue in the face, and I cannot reach him. Do I give him an ultimatum? It just seems like he cannot see that something might hurt someone else that does not hurt him?
Hi Lisa, that is really hard! And I do think that marriage when you haven’t worked all of these things out isn’t a great idea. Having someone dismiss your needs isn’t a good start. At the same time, men do tend to compartmentalize and aren’t necessarily up for conversation and texts all throughout the day (especially if they’re at work), so it is important to give them space. But if he’s ignoring out of work hours, then that’s a problem. Why don’t you try something like, “everyday at this time we’ll talk”. And if he can’t do that, then I do think a reevaluation may be in order. And I wouldn’t call it an ultimatum; I would just call it boundaries. For a relationship to work, you need certain needs met. Communication is one of those. If he isn’t interested, that is a red flag.
Red flags everywhere. Do not enter this marriage. I know you will still but remember what was said. If he cant give anything to you now he never will and it will be much worse when you are texting him about a sick kid or something. Run. Run fast.