Valentine’s Day was last weekend.
For many of us, the day that is meant to celebrate love and romance often turns into a day of disappointment.
Today blogger and author Lindsey Bell is joining us for Top 10 Tuesday to share 10 tips for getting over Valentine’s Day disappointment. You can do it! Here’s Lindsey:
Valentine’s Day…aka “Let’s See How Bad He Fails This Year.”
So if your Valentine’s Day left you feeling disappointed, here are a few things to do to help next year go much better.
Top 10 Ways to Overcome Valentine’s Day Disappointment:
1. Rethink your expectations about Valentine’s Day.
I learned early on in my marriage that one of my biggest problems was holding on to expectations. In particular, unmet expectations that my husband knew nothing about. After a few years of Valentine’s Day fails, I finally realized I needed to rethink my expectations.
Was it really fair of me to expect him to plan an extravagant date and pick out a thoughtful gift…when I didn’t do the same for him?
Was it really fair of me to expect him to know exactly what I wanted for Valentine’s Day without ever telling him?
If you’re expecting your husband to know what you want, it’s time to rethink your expectations.
It might not be as romantic to have to tell him what you want, but my guess is, if you’re married to a good man who loves you, he probably wants to make you happy. He simply doesn’t know how. Instead of expecting him to read your mind, tell him some things you would like.
2. Talk it out.
For about five years of my marriage, I did things that really bothered my husband. But I never knew about them. He is a peacekeeper and avoids conflict if at all possible. He thought that by not telling me when I upset him, he was keeping the peace.
That worked…for a few years. But eventually, he realized he couldn’t keep stuffing his frustrations.
Now, when I do something that bugs him, he tells me about it, and our marriage is stronger for it.
If your spouse dropped the ball this year, talk it out with him. Things will never change if he doesn’t know he hurt you.
3. Ask yourself, is it worth it?
I love this quote by Jennifer Rothschild. “You may have the right to be angry, but is it a right worth exercising?”
Is it worth it?
Is it really worth it to be this upset? Maybe it is. I know Sheila often gets messages from men and women in really difficult situations. Some of you reading this might be in a marriage that is dealing with really hard stuff.
This particular post isn’t geared toward the hard issues. It’s geared toward those of us who are mad because our husbands went out on the morning of Valentine’s Day and grabbed the first gift he found. It’s written for those of us who are angry because our wives forgot about Valentine’s Day altogether. It’s written for those of us who are mad because we always have to plan any dates that ever occur.
Those of us in relatively good marriages, who are with people who genuinely want the best for us…when Valentine’s Day disappoints, ask yourself, is it worth it?
Are the anger, bitterness, and pain worth it?
4. Forgive.
Forgiveness is just as much for you as it is for your spouse, because the truth is, unforgiveness hurts you. Sometimes, it hurts you more than it hurts the person you’ve chosen not to forgive.
If your spouse blew it this year with Valentine’s Day, forgive him.
5. Make a mental note to tell him next year.
This year, Valentine’s Day is over…but next year can be different. Make a mental note to tell him next year exactly what would make you happy.
My husband likes to get me flowers. Though I appreciate the gesture, I would much rather him get me something that won’t die in a few days. Finally, a few months ago, I told him that.
It’s funny now that I waited so long to tell him. We’ve been married almost 12 years! (What can I say? I’m a slow learner.)
6. Ask yourself, did I make his day special?
It seems weird to me that men have so much more pressure on this holiday than women. It’s like we expect the man to bend over backwards making sure the woman knows she is appreciated and loved but the woman doesn’t have to do anything.
Valentine’s Day isn’t the day to celebrate women. It’s the day to celebrate relationships.
My job isn’t to sit back and be pampered and catered to on Valentine’s Day. My job is to work just as hard as my husband in making sure he feels loved and appreciated. I need to show my husband love, too!
7. Consider a redo.
If this year didn’t go well, consider a redo. Who says you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day on February 18th?
Talk with your spouse about what went wrong and what could make the day better, and then start over.
8. Change the way you view the holiday.
Valentine’s Day has become something much different than I believe it’s supposed to be.
Instead of being about commitment, love, and reciprocal appreciation, it’s become a day of unmet expectations, competition, and frustrations. It’s also become a day when much more is expected of men than of women.
Make Valentine’s Day a day for each of you to show your commitment to each other. Better yet, make it a day for you to take the love you have for each other and overflow that love into the lives of others.
9. Do something for him.
If you didn’t put much time or effort into making his Valentine’s Day special, it’s not too late. Sometime this week, do something for him to show him how much you appreciate and love him.
10. Do something for you.
One final way to overcome Valentine’s Day disappointment is to do something for yourself.
The truth is, no person is ever going to “complete you” and fulfill every longing. Honestly, that’s not even your spouse’s job. That’s God’s job. Do something this week to nurture THAT relationship.
Do something this week to make yourself happy, rather than expecting your spouse to fill that need in your life.
What other tips would you add to this list?
Lindsey Bell is the author of the parenting devotional, Searching for Sanity, and of the upcoming Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten (releasing April 2016, available for pre-order now). She’s a stay-at-home mother of two silly boys, a minister’s wife, an avid reader, and a lover of all things chocolate. Lindsey writes weekly at www.lindseymbell.com about faith, family, and learning to love the life she’s been given.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Regarding #1 (expectations) – I had an older, wiser mentor who use to say, “expectations are premeditated resentment.”
Love that!
That’s an awesome quote! So true!
Valentines Day is my parents anniversary so while I get that people like to make a big production and have a mushy day I never have. I have always viewed it as my parents’ day to celebrate their wedding. I think we make too big of a production out of Valentine’s Day.
In school we give each other ready made valentines with the rule you can’t leave anyone out so even the kid in your class you didn’t like in elementary has to get one so no one is left out. I get it. Good life lesson. But it always felt forced and fake.
Flash forward to high school and now we don’t make pretty valentines boxes for holding our cards but we step it up. For a dollar a flower you can buy a carnation for a friend (white) or for a love/crush (red) and they get delivered in home room. Now you have girls walking around with bunches of flowers from class to class and the rest of rejects with no flowers at all. Add to that that on this special day the girls all have to wear paper hearts with their names on them and if you talk to a boy he gets your heart, so now you have guys walking around with hearts all over them because they view it as a challenge to get girls to talk to them, and you still have us reject girls walking around with no flowers and our own hearts all day. Yeah, Valentine’s is an annoying holiday.
Now, honestly, I was a reject in large part because of my faith and my school was really tiny. You always know that the popular people were going to be elected to whatever was being voted in. I get it. And honestly, as bitter as I probably sound here, I really am over it. But here’s what I would love to see instead of all this commercialized crap that says, ‘Hey, it’s Valentine’s Day, your girl won’t know you love her unless you buy her stuff and it’s expected so get spending!’
Instead, let’s look at the origins of Valentine’s. Do most people know the history behind it? The tragedy that led a priest to go against his ruler and become imprisoned because he chose to perform marriage ceremonies even when the ruler had ordered all marriages stopped!? That he then befriended the jailer’s blind daughter and left her a note before he was killed signed ‘your Valentine’ which was his name after all!?
This day was set aside to celebrate marriage. And if you want to celebrate your marriage then by all means please do so! I celebrate my parents’ marriage! But please, please, please! Don’t buy into the commercialism that says he has to buy you stuff. Instead, can I suggest that you set this day aside to maybe reconnect and do something fun together. View it as a recharge. View it as a time to take stock and see where your marriage is at and celebrate. But you really can’t get mad at a guy for not buying you stuff, no matter how romantic you think it.
Look, my love language is gifts, I love gifts! But I love my husband more and for us Valentine’s has never been a big deal, despite friends pressuring him to buy me stuff, he knows I don’t want it. Having him is enough.
I wonder what would happen if the history of Valentine got promoted big time… I think that would be outrageous for most people! An all pro godly marriage holiday.
What you bring up about kids, teens, and school is a good point. I remember feeling left out on Valentine’s Day many years also. And goodness, my school didn’t do anything like the hearts or flowers. That sounds so awful for those who didn’t get them!
I totally agree that Valentine’s Day has become WAY too commercialized. Actually, I think all holidays have become too commercialized. Christmas, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Easter, and everything in between. If stores can come up with a reason for us to spend our money, they will. And we unfortunately, many times, buy into it.
Chelsea,
Oh man, your comments about being in school definitely bring back some not-so-fond memories for me! I agree that too much is made of this one particular day. I definitely think that, in general, both husbands and wives (and I’m definitely talking to myself here, too!) could put more effort into showing love all year long. If we were to do that, I’m not sure what would happen to Valentine’s Day, but I’m guessing our marriages would be stronger! 🙂
Bree
For the last week or so, your blog hasn’t been loading right on my iPhone. I can only see the headings at the top. Maybe I’m the only one? I haven’t had issues on any other sites.
Thanks for letting me know! I’ll check it out.
I have some issue on my phone too. It loads the blog header then a long white page, I have to scroll way down to see the posts. There is just a long empty space between the blog header and posts. But there is a google ads pop up sometimes… I have an iPhone. On the computer and android tablet it loads correctly.
I think I fixed it now! It may take a day or two for your cache to catch up, but it is working! I’m so glad people told me about it so I could look into it!
Looking perfect now!
Another good way to get over Valentine’s Day is to realize that it is not a Christian celebration, but another pagan celebration “christianized” by the Roman Catholic Church and not celebrate it at all. Please see this article: http://www.biblestudy.org/basicart/what-is-true-origin-of-valentines-day.html
Those of us who name the name of Christ need to follow Biblical customs, not pagan ones that have been “christianized”.
Thank you for sharing this article. I’m clicking over now to read it.
I didnt do anything this year because i have always been the one to plan something and have him say he’s not interested or not reciprocate. So to lessen the disappointment, I didnt do anything. Hes been ignoring me for years ans doesnt care about me ans my love tank is just empty. Im tired of doing all the work.
Aly, I’m so sorry 🙁 I’ve learned from reading Sheila’s blog that there really are no one-size-fits-all answers, especially when marriages are really rough, but please know I’m lifting you up in prayer today and so very sorry for what you’re going through.
I have said it before but I’ll say it again.
We don’t ‘do’ Valentine’s Day because we are each other’s Valentine EVERY day.
Yes! Valentine’s Day is just a day. We should be working EVERY DAY to fill each other’s love tanks and show our appreciation for one another.
Our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple was pretty disappointing for me. Hubby grabbed a very skimpy bouquet and The kind of heart-shaped box of chocolates that every grocery store has. I’m sure the card came from the same place. I thought about how to handle it, and realized I had better say something as kindly as possible. Otherwise every year I would probably have the same results. I thanked him, and told him I love him, but I was disappointed. I told him the gifts really seemed like something he grabbed in a hurry on his way home instead of putting any thought into it. And I told him when it comes to chocolate, I’m a bit of a snob. I would rather have a small box of good quality chocolates than a bigger box of cheap chocolates. I value quality over quantity. Two years ago I told him pretty much point blank I wanted Shari’s Berries. It worked, and I enjoyed every bite! Frank communication has been huge for us when it comes to Valentine’s Day!
Absolutely! And yum, now I’m craving some Shari’s Berries 🙂
Great list! I also think “be honest and keep the receipt” are good tips too. My husband loves the idea of giving me jewelry but his tastes don’t align with mine. One Valentine’s Day he gave me a heart necklace and as I was opening it, he said, “I know you don’t like heart jewelry but the store said this had been a popular present choice.” That was the year we started the honesty and receipt policy.
He would much rather me be honest then lie. And if I can be honest about jewelry, then he knows I will be honest with him in other areas of our marriage. I have learned that he wants me to be happy, so there is no point to get disappointed or hurt when it is something I don’t like. Instead I look at it as a sign of his trying and I am pretty luck to have a husband who tries so hard.
This is great encouragement for those that are dealing with the disappointment of the day. It can be rough when your expectations do not match up.
What if you tell your husband that even just a handwritten note or card would make you feel extra special, even on days like Mother’s Day, birthdays, or anniversaries, and he still does nothing? No gift, no cards, nothing. If I mention anything he gets mad. I try to do things for him and at least teach our kids to do something special. Am I wrong to feel disappointed with each passing holiday? I feel resentment building and each time a holiday passes I dread the next because I know it will hurt. What do I do.
This is a bit late on the comment field, but…
After the awkward Valentine’s days during out dating years, I finally sat down with my husband and talked about it. He finally told me (after several talks/attempts) that he absolutely dreaded Valentine’s day because the girls he knew before we met were quite mean, and often berated and belittled his attempts, so all the holiday meant to him was that he was going to spend a lot of money and still end up with an angry girlfriend, and was thus very discouraging. But I didn’t know any of this until after we were married!
So while this won’t apply to everyone, this helped us a lot:
In an attempt to heal some old wounds, I completely relieved him of “Valentine’s Day Duty,” meaning he was not to do anything other than let me love on him a bit. It’s not that my cheesy attempts at a man-approved date night or a batch of cookies made a huge difference, but over the past couple of years, it has really allowed some healing to take place for him, and therefore in our marriage. Do I like it when he plans things? Sure, who doesn’t like their husband to remember them? But by me taking over the expectations of the day (which women tend to enjoy more, anyway), it relieves him of the dread that used to accompany the day and allows old wounds to heal. For me, I am no longer disappointed, because I am the one who explicitly told him not to do anything for me, other than let me love him.
Love that, Michelle! Love how you both see that the point is to have both of you feel loved.
We didn’t do anything this Valentine’s (one, I’m not into holidays and I feel they’re all over-commercialized anyway, and two, we had a one-month-old… yeah, more important things than some cheesy holiday to think about, thanks!) But next year, I’m taking the suggestion(s) to do something nice for *him* and not expect or want anything in return! I just want to love on him, anyway!