Why is marriage advice so contradictory? Why are we sometimes told to just be nice and sweet and sometimes told to draw a line in the sand?
On Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. I had a post all ready to go for today, but then a long-time reader left a comment yesterday that got me thinking–I really need to address this!
She wrote:
I think it’s sad that moms feel they have to put their dreams and plans aside once they have kids. Is that really what you want to teach your daughters? And that they are less important than their husbands? A lot of posts lately have been very confusing. One says be sweet and submissive, the next says speak your mind and stand your ground. What gives?
That is such a good question, and I’m glad she voiced it, because it gives me a chance to share a few big picture ideas that maybe I haven’t been clear enough about. Today’s going to be a little deep, and a little bit of a wild ride, but I hope you enjoy it! Here goes.
Truth #1: The Aim of This Blog is NOT To Tell You How to Have a Happy Marriage
What? Seriously?
Yep.
I can help you be more content. I hope I can help you do things which make a happy marriage more likely. But a happy marriage, as wonderful as it is, should not be the aim of our lives.
Here’s the aim:
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)
The aim of your life should be to have Christ living through you. It should be to be looking more and more like Christ everyday:
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. (Romans 8:29)
He wants us looking more and more like Jesus!
Here’s the neat thing: the more we look like Jesus, the more likely we are to have a happy marriage. So quite often the two go hand in hand.
Isn’t it Okay to Want a Happy Marriage?
Of course we all want happy marriages! But if we have the wrong aim, we can actually make it less likely that we’ll achieve it.
I have a post, for instance, on 4 things you need to do if your husband uses porn. You can’t really miss the four steps. But almost every morning I wake up with a new comment from a woman giving a whole long story of how awful her husband’s porn addiction is, and then she’ll say, “Do you have any advice?” And I think to myself–Yes, I have 4 things you should do and I wrote them right there!
But she doesn’t want to do them because she’s afraid that he’ll react badly.
I have other women saying, “If I tell him he has to get a job, or if I insist we see a counselor because of his anger, or if I bring in a mentor couple to help us draw boundaries with his video game addiction, he’ll just leave.”
They’re afraid of doing the right thing because the marriage may suffer.
And if that’s the case, then they’ve put the marriage ahead of God.
If you’re afraid to do the right thing because your marriage may get rocky, then your goal is wrong. God wants to be glorified, and He is not glorified if we enable sin.
Do not let your marriage become an idol.
Having Jesus as Our Goal Means Our Approach to Marriage Won’t Always Be the Same
Jesus’ aim was not to make everyone around Him happy. Jesus’ aim was to make everyone around Him look more and more like Himself, and to lead people into a deeper relationship with God.
And that means that He did different things as the circumstances warranted.
The vast majority of the time He was gracious, forgiving, and kind. But sometimes He drew lines in the sand. He called the Pharisees “a brood of vipers”. He made a whip out of cords and threw the money changers out of the temple. But He also said nothing as they led Him to His death.
Why the difference?
Because His aim was always to bring about the kingdom of God. His aim was not to get people to like Him; it was to get people to see who God was, and to bring about reconciliation.
(I talk about this concept more in terms of abuse and submission in this post on why some threads of Christianity that preach that a woman should always suffer in silence are so absolutely bonkers and wrong).
Our Approaches Won’t Always Be the Same, Either
I believe that the vast majority of the time we should let things slide, we should be forgiving, we should try to communicate better, we should encourage our husbands, we should bless them and do things for them. This is the definition of loving.
But there are times when it is also loving to confront sin and set a boundary, like, “If you continue to watch porn at home, then I will have to disconnect the internet, because I can’t have evil in my house.”
How Do We Figure This All Out?
Here’s what Jesus said:
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5).
So Jesus is saying: Yes, you confront when someone is doing something wrong. But you only do so after you get your own heart in order.
That’s so key! That’s why I spent the first 4 thoughts in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage on how we can start thinking differently about our husbands, because often when we have trouble in our marriage, it is because we are misunderstanding things and we are attributing motives to our husbands that they never had. We simply can’t deal with major problems in marriage UNTIL we have dealt with our own stuff.
I fully believe that the vast majority of the time, when we focus on our own hearts, when we learn to be more giving, when we stop making an idol out of marriage, when we learn how to ask for help properly–most problems in marriage virtually disappear.
Sometimes, though, that’s not enough. Sometimes there’s a real problem that needs to be confronted. The idea that because you’re a woman you’re not allowed to confront your husband is just so totally unbiblical (and, unfortunately, all too widespread). You’re created to help him; you’re not helping him if you enable sin. And that’s why thoughts 5-7 in the book deal with how to confront sin and how to resolve conflict (and often it’s much easier to resolve then you think!).
People who say that women can’t confront their husbands believe the wrong aim about marriage; they think that the aim of marriage is to have the husband in charge no matter what. They don’t believe that the aim of marriage is to glorify God.
Loving Our Husbands Does Not Mean Being Nice. Loving Them Means Pursuing Their Best.
I once received a comment from an older woman explaining how God had given her the ability to forgive her husband again and again in their marriage; how God had helped her stick it out, through 41 years before he died of alcoholism. He had been angry. He had yelled and at times hit. He had squandered their money. Their children had all fled when they were quite young, and many had bad lives. But she was so happy because God had helped her be faithful and be loving.
And I thought: Is it loving to stick with an alcoholic while he hurts himself, his kids, and his marriage? Or is it better to confront that alcoholic and say, “you need to get help and this needs to stop.” Is it loving to stand by and keep forgiving him while he drinks himself to death?
Too many strands of Christianity preach that it is. I do not believe the Bible teaches that.
And because I think the teaching in marriage has been too slanted to tell women to “put up with it and shut up about it”, I often spend a lot of time teaching how to lovingly deal with a destructive issue in marriage. Most of my readers arrive on this blog through Google searches for really tough marriage problems, too, so I think I have readers with more difficult marriages than the average blog.
At the same time, though, I also fully believe that most problems in marriage can be solved just by more communication, more grace, and more laughter. And that’s why it’s so important to examine your own heart before you say, “He’s being evil and I need to stop him!”
It’s like what I’ve been saying for a few weeks now about Micah 6:8:
But What About the Part About the Girls’ Dreams?
Oh, yeah, she asked that, too–why do I encourage my girls to give up their dreams? She’s referring to last Friday’s marriage moment when I said that often our dreams don’t come true, and that’s okay.
Here’s why it’s okay: Because it’s not important what we dream when we’re young. What is important is the dreams that God puts in us now. I believe that God is forming new dreams in us, especially for our circumstances. Running after His dreams matters. Running after dreams from our youth doesn’t, because our aim, as always, is to glorify Christ.
Hope that makes sense!
Let me know in the comments: Do you find this distinction confusing? Let’s talk about it!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Gave me a lot to think about. How do I know when to confront “sin”? I haven’t lately because I see the action as sinful, but he does not, so we end up in an argument about what is wrong with my thinking not maybe the fact that it bothers me so much, he shouldn’t be doing it(porn is not the issue). How hard do we confront the behavior? That is where I am right now.
I’m looking forward to your new subscription model.
Great question! I think for things like that that’s the reason we’re in the Body of Christ. Sometimes we can’t figure things out on our own, and we need a mentor couple or a counselor to help us walk it through. It really is okay to ask for help–not talk to everybody in church, but identify one or two key people you can both have coffee with and talk and pray things through with. Because sometimes you can’t do it on your own–and I’m not really sure we’re supposed to!
Sheila, I would love to find a couple that my husband and I can get together, talk, and pray. My husband wouldn’t be comfortable with that at all. He has always prayed through his music. He has been a choir director for 30+ years, and he writes prayerful music. I often pray that God will inspire him to put God in the center of our marriage instead of God on one side and me on the other.
That is tough, Nancy. I think seeking out a mentor couple may be good for you anyway, even if he won’t talk to them. You likely need another ear.
Also keep in mind you are not supposed to be the Holy Spirit for your husband.
Is this a personal failure that is not impacting the family? Is is just that you think he needs to grow spiritually in some area? If so maybe the best approach is to pray and model.
If it is something more serious maybe try a boundaries approach like from the book Boundaries in Marriage.
Nancy, you asked when to know to confront and I think the answer lies in the verse from about the speck/plank:
“first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will SEE CLEARLY to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:5).
If you’re still confused if and how to confront and you have lots of emotional reactions to the issue you probably need to deal first with your own stuff. Even if you’re right and he is sinning, it may well be that your motive is not yet clean. You try to fix him into what you think is right but God may have a different plan or timeline. Maybe He is using his behavior to bring something out in you and when the time is right He’ll convict your husband. But like the verse above says, if you stand right before God you will see clearly to remove the speck in your husbands eye, because you are not anymore offended like you used to be, you don’t want to manipulate but your motive to confront your husbands is clean, your heart is to humbly and lovingly help him be right with God. The issue is only secondary about you.
Now there are times when our husbands behavior may drive us crazy because they do things different, but that is not necessarily sin. In that case you must simply choose to either let it go or to confront him by being honest about the feelings you have when he does whatever it is, which then gives him a choice to do something about it. I am still learning to communicate this way instead of going crazy places emotionally… But I believe that this is the right and mature thing to do.
Thank you for your reply. Lately, I have spent a lot of time thinking about who really has the issue, him or me. I do know that from my baggage, I have always been insecure. From past hurts, I have a lot of trouble trusting. My issue with him is the amount of time he spends on Facebook, instant messaging mostly females. 80% of fellow practitioners are women and his business page has a lot of followers. I have always believed, “if you don’t want to get burned, don’t get close to the fire”. I have to wake up every morning and choose to trust and realize that he gives me access to his account, so technically I could check whenever I want. I also choose not to go on his site because I know it will fuel my insecurities. For the record, I have never found anything inappropriate. Just a few jokes here and there(not sexual). I question often to myself, why does he spend so much time there when he has a family in the next room who have not seen him all day long.
I also took a look at myself about a year ago and read “The Care and Feeding of Husbands” which knocked me on my head to stop nagging and to be more pleasant to be around. He agreed to go on a marriage retreat with me, so I’m hoping we can discuss the computer and lack of intimacy being an underlying issue with me. I’ve always believed my husband and I were brought together by God and I will never give up on us. God definitely needs to be more of my focus, because if I am looking towards him, I will find peace.
That’s wonderful about the marriage retreat! Yay!
And I can totally understand feeling insecure about your husband. I wonder, though–is he texting and on Facebook just because he’s bored? I think often we wait for husbands to want to do things with us, but if we start planning more fun activities as a family, then often they’re quite happy to join. It’s just that if there’s nothing on, why wouldn’t he just do what’s easy? That’s probably what he’s thinking.
So what about planning a board game night or asking if he’ll go for a walk after dinner or anything else you like to do together? I find with my husband if we have something on the agenda that we’ve said we’ll do, we do it. But if there isn’t anything, we both often retreat into our own online worlds. So we have to be intentional about planning things! And just because Keith’s on the computer doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with me. He’s just doing what’s easy. Does that make sense?
Sheila, I do believe some of it is habit and easy. When I am in my rational mind(when the enemy isn’t putting doubts in my mind), I am convinced he has low T as well as potentially pre-diabetic. He’s a thin Asian man, but diabetes runs in his family. That would explain low libido and energy. The Asian culture, from what I understand, doesn’t like talking about things especially when it is tied to the ego. When the enemy enters into my mind, and I see him on the computer with fellow practitioners that are female and share his passion, I get jealous. I’ve definitely been learning to pray to God to help me lean on God and trust that he will help both my husband and me to follow his plan.
I have tried to find activities to do together. Even with my lower energy due to my MS, I am active. I was the Sports and Fitness director for a cruise line and love activity of all types. Unfortunately the sports he was involved in growing up were sports I didn’t do and my MS is preventing me from easily learning new skills. I bought him a fooz-ball table for Christmas this year because he played that a lot in China growing up. I have been able to get him upstairs to the table on occasion, but only after he is done on the computer. Keep trying and never give up.
Great answer, Lydia!
Sorry for this long comment, but this post just really hit me.
“I can help you be more content. I hope I can help you do things which make a happy marriage more likely. But a happy marriage, as wonderful as it is, should not be the aim of our lives.
Here’s the aim:
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)”
Wow, Sheila powerful truth. Oh that we would have hearts that just want to know and love Christ and long for intimacy with Him.
I don’t say that to minimize real pain that people are dealing with in the physical earth, but to give us hearts that are truly and fully in love with God.
I have heard this before, and have even counseled others along those same lines. But for some reason it just hit me when I read that this morning. That statement is where I have been at lately.
It actually brought tears to my eyes. And I am weeping as I type this. Not tears of sadness, but of joy in the love and intimacy and presence of God.
And you know, technically my life is pretty good and I have a good husband, but that does not change the fact that there is still a measure of sadness, disappointment, and longings.
As I told you before I have be doing the read through the Bible with Courtney at Good Morning Girls (Women Living Well) and we are going super slow just meditating on one chapter at a time. It has gotten me out of my regular Bible reading of for me mainly the New Testament epistles and has gotten me past the usually cursory reading of the Old Testament “stories.”
It has gotten me to really dig so much deeper into the person and character of God. I have been confronted with His holiness, His sovereignty and my call to submit under His complete and utter authority in my life but while trusting in His complete love for me and His pure justice.
It has helped me focus on His presence in my life and His real tangible relationship with me. I just feel that I am being drawn into a sweeter closer love for Him.
And what you have written just kind of cemented all of those thoughts and put it all together.
Thank you for speaking truth, thank you for pointing people to Christ.
That’s so beautiful, TBG! Thanks for sharing! So cool that God can use my words (and Courtney’s) to take you to a deeper place. I hope that’s true for everyone reading here!
Thank you. I am very much a ‘big picture’ person, and this post puts a lot into perspective.
Meanwhile, may I just say I liked the bit about letting dreams die. I didn’t read it as “kill the dream, suffer through a life you hate, die miserable”, but rather “allow the dreams you have to change and mature as you change and mature”.
25 years ago, I dreamed of sitting on the Supreme Court of Canada (I always was encouraged to dream big). I was going to do a PhD first. I had it all planned out.
23 years ago, I made the decision to follow Jesus and to live my life for him.
Today, I have 4 kids. I home school. I don’t work outside the home at all – unless you count “mom’s taxi service”. And I’m not actually interested in a Supreme Court appointment (nor are the powers that be aware of my existence, so there’s little chance there!).
Do I still have dreams? Of course. And not only for my children – I have dreams of what I want to do. They are different, because I am different. And that’s ok.
Oh, I totally wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice, too! Funny how I would want that more than being Prime Minister. But totally. 🙂
And my dreams have changed as well, and that’s for the good, I think.
The Supreme Court is where the actual power is in this country.
Elected politicians rise and fall, but the judiciary is far longer lasting. AND has the power to tell the politicians to change the law.
one of these days I’m going to make it to one of your events…. 🙂
Yep. That’s what I always thought, too. 🙂
I’d love to meet you! What province are you in?
I feel like I am comment spamming, but like I said I just thought this was such a good post I just had so many ideas from it.
“I believe that the vast majority of the time we should let things slide, we should be forgiving, we should try to communicate better, we should encourage our husbands, we should bless them and do things for them. This is the definition of loving.”
Exactly. I think a lot of times we try to have things our way and we think our way is the right way and get mad at our spouses for not doing things the way we want or desiring and valuing the same things we do. Like how they housekeep or where they put their things, etc. I just think people blur the lines between being controlling and when they need to speak up.
A lot of those things I posted above women need to back off on. It is fine to communicate with people and try to comprise in a way that both like. But we push and push because it has to be the way we think it should or we are not satisfied with having it any other way.
But that is not the same as enduring abuse, viciousness, recklessness, etc.
I think you always do a good job of properly addressing this. But it is good I suppose to put it in one post for clarity.
About dreams.
When I was single, I had dreams because I was not going to just sit home doing nothing waiting to get married. So I had dreams I was working towards. When God brought a husband into my life I decided to accept being married I chose new dreams. It is not that I don’t have dreams or plans for God to use me, they are just new dreams that are different from those of a single women.
Comment spam all you want–your comments are great!
It is difficult to find the line between what you should compromise on and what you should not tolerate. And that’s why in all things we need the mind of Christ! 🙂
So glad you did this post! Thank you Sheila! I totally get that I have made an idol of my marriage and my husband. Being UNconvicted yet in Jesus and Christianity this is really hard to let go of. As to toleration, I understand not tolerating abuse or cheating. But some little things are difficult. I don’t care if he doesn’t pick up his clothes every day or doesn’t dress the way I would like. But what about refusing to shower every night? Coughing without ever covering his mouth? Picking his scalp CONSTANTLY and not cleaning it up? Should I ignore these things or keep confronting him like I’ve been doing? I mean, these actions ARE gross, right? Sorry to be graphic here, I have OCD and he drives me crazy, lol. He’s really a good man, just oblivious about soooooo many things! Including my Need for closeness, especially physically. Geez, I feel like I’m dominating your post again. ? I just know I need help with all of this and there are others just like me asking the same questions but afraid to rock the boat.
I’m so glad you like the post! Yay!
As for your scenario–wow, that’s tough. Not a sin issue, but I can see how it would affect you.
I think the issue is this: He likes to be able to just “be comfortable”, which includes coughing, scratching himself, etc. You want to “be comfortable” as well, which includes being in a clean and safe environment. Both of you have desires that are legitimate, they just conflict with each other. So how can you honor him without going nuts yourself?
I’d just say something like this: “Honey, I know this is your home, and you should be able to do whatever you want in your own home. But I’ve got to tell you, when you sit there scratching your scalp, it gives me the heebie jeebies. And so if you’re going to do that, I have to remove myself and go into another room. It’s not that I don’t love you; I just can’t be here when you do that.” And you could say the same thing about him coughing.
But maybe it’s a habit he’d like to break! I know my husband is desperately trying to stop biting his nails, so he doesn’t mind if I mention it when he does it. So if you could ask him: “I know you probably want to stop scratching in public because other people don’t like it, but it’s a habit. Do you want me to help you break the habit in public?”
As for the shower thing, what about, “I love you so much and I want us to have a great sex life, but I just can’t sleep with you when you’re not clean. I really, really want to share the bed with you, but when you don’t shower, I’ll choose to sleep in the guest room (or wherever). What if we were to shower together every night?”
Do you know what I mean? Just saying things that aren’t nagging, and that allow him to continue what he’s doing without you rejecting him as a husband, but that also preserve your own mental health? I’m just thinking off the top of my head here, but those are some of the ways I’d approach it.
Showering was a bit of a problem with my husband. He was not raised in this country so skipping a few days was the norm. I put the majority of the problem on me. I told him, which is true, that my mom was anal about us showering before going to bed and I learned that from her. So I apologized for being anal about showering before bed and that I love the feel of his skin when he is clean which is why I like cuddling and touching him so much. Granted, from reading my other post, it doesn’t usually lead to sex, but at least he likes to cuddle and that got him to change his ways in terms of showering every night. I’ll admit, I am anal about it. 🙂
I believe those examples go in the pick your battles bucket. It’s not sinful to cough without covering your mouth, or not shower every night.
If it really and truly bothers you and you can’t let it go then you could ask nicely. But if he doesn’t change you could either nag him to death or just accept that some things he does will be a little gross. You can always vacuum more. But you can’t have a happy home if your husband feels like he’s constantly doing everything wrong.
I’ve lived with almost non-stop criticism from my advisor for six years now. It gets horribly depressing very fast. Even if the criticism is justified. Only ever hearing about everything you do wrong kind of destroys your will to live.
I understand this, truly, but he is a very sweaty smelly person and I can’t be that close to him if he doesn’t shower because it makes me gag! We already sleep in separate rooms because of his snoring and lack of showers. He refuses to shower WITH me because he is extremely overweight and we both don’t fit. And as for removing myself to another room when he’s picking or scratching, he doesn’t even care. I force him to make 5 minutes with me and it’s so pathetic.
Also, I AM extremely encouraging to him constantly, telling him he looks good when he’s dressed for work, I tell him he smells sooooo good when he’s freshly showerd, praise him and thank him for all his help around the house and with the baby and for working for us so hard so I can be at home. So ,no, I am not the sniveling nagging shrew you probably think I am. I am trying REALLY hard to be good to him and for him.
I gotta say, I am SO EXCITED at the prospect of Marriage Missions! My husband and I are at a point in life similar to yours. Our kids are jumping out of the nest. Some are starting to fly, others are teetering at the edge, but we don’t have any grandchildren yet. Just time, and a settled life, for a bit. I’m anxious about going somewhere and doing good/sharing God’s Word! I can’t wait to see what your plans are!
I know! Me, too. They’re just coming together now and we’re just trying to sort out dates and ministry partners, but we’re giving ourselves a lot of time. We’ve been to Kenya four times now, so we have quite a few connections. But I also know how long it takes to do something right, and I want to make sure we do it well!
Thank you for saying this! It’s tough when someone reads a single blog post — especially an answer to a reader’s specific question — and presumes something I wouldn’t recommend for every single marriage.
Sometimes we wives need to let more things go, and sometimes we need to let fewer things go. Sometimes we need to shut up, and sometimes we need to speak up. Sometimes we need to break down our barriers, and sometimes we need to build boundaries. But all of those decision are measured against God’s Word and His will for our lives. Thank you so much for this reminder!
You just reminded me of a Bible verse I was going to share and then forgot–the Ecclesiastes 3 passage. There’s a time to build up, and a time to tear down. There’s a time for everything, but often we talk like the ONLY things women can do are to talk nicely and to be gentle, and that’s simply not true!
Excellent advice on glorifying God within our marriages, rather than focusing on the idol of a happy marriage.
I would also counsel both men and women: if your dreams don’t include children, then don’t get married and don’t have children. Disney has made millions selling the idea of never giving up on our youthful fantasies. God wants us to submit our desires to Him, let them mature and change, and sometimes die, so He can resurrect them in ways we could never have imagined.
Keith,
How dare you????? Just because someone doesn’t want children in their life doesn’t mean they don’t want or deserve a marriage! As long as that person is up front from the beginning about not wanting children there is NOTHING WRONG with getting married! I did not want children and was honest with my husband from the FIRST date about this. He married me anyway! And we DO love each other! We spent 10 years together before our little surprise came along. Yes, it IS ok for plans to change, but don’t you dare say someone who doesn’t want kids doesn’t have the right to love and marriage. That’s very hurtful and MEAN.
Sheila, do you have any blog posts about how to be a mentor couple?
No. But that is a GREAT question. I should write some! Thank you.
“Loving Our Husbands Does Not Mean Being Nice.”
Does the flipside of this statement also work? The Bible teaches that husbands are to love their wives like Christ loved the Church, and the Servant-Leader model teaching is the popularly accepted model for doing so. With this in mind, do you believe that the inverse of your statement works:
“Loving Our Wives Does Not Mean Being Nice”?
Absolutely. Of course. It’s about glorifying God in whatever circumstance you’re in and acting like Jesus; was Jesus always “nice”? That doesn’t mean you should do something harshly, but sometimes things need to be confronted, like addictions or adultery, or anything else serious enough to endanger the marriage.
But didn’t Jesus throw a fit in the temple? Ran people out and knocked over tables? But all we are taught is that Jesus endured everything that was done to him without a word. So people self-martyre themselves.
Great point, Angie! But I do think that there’s a difference between the Lord of the Universe yelling at people and us doing the same thing. I think we can draw boundaries, say, “No more”, say “this stops now”, etc., and do so firmly and clearly while also showing respect. I don’t think reacting in anger or calling names is ever really justified (unless you come across someone molesting a child, or something! ). But drawing boundaries, saying “NO”, confronting sin–that certainly is part of living a godly life, and I don’t think that would be counted as self-martyring!
Wow, you really hit that out of the park. My wife is submissive. Truly, on a regular basis, biblically submissive. She submits to my leadership in the home. She will also call me out if I am clearly not following God’s clear teaching in scripture. That isn’t a contradiction. We are joined to help each other, to serve Christ together, keep each other accountable, and be witnesses of how God continues to work in our lives. We aren’t perfect, but we find God’s grace in our failures. I am thankful for a wife that loves me enough to point out, in humility and love, areas of my life that are not up to God’s standard. She wants me to experience God’s best, just as I want the same for her.
There is such a fine line between being able and willing to confront a husband in sin, and being a bossy wife who acts like she is the Holy Spirit, correcting his every move. We tend to go to extremes too much. I have done both. It takes leading from God to know when to speak up and when to shut up.
Absolutely true! There is a time for everything–a time to be silent and a time to speak. And we need God to help us, which is why I always say get YOUR OWN heart in order first.