How do you know when your husband has done something that’s the last straw in marriage?
Yesterday I told you the story of the Heather, who had done everything for the family, cleaning up after them, pouring out her life for them–until a car accident meant that she shouldn’t move. Her husband didn’t act like anything had changed, though, and still expected her to make dinner.
So the question was, what should Heather do?
I then pointed you to an article by Gary Thomas explaining why some men just don’t change, even when their wives beg them to address an issue. Here’s the problem in a nutshell:
From Why Men Don't Change
Some people are motivated only by their own pain. They want to stop pain. When you have a difficult conversation with them, that causes them pain, so their aim is to get the conversation over with so the pain will end. They are not motivated by your pain at all. So the only way to bring change is to have the pain that they feel when they don’t change be more than the pain they will feel by changing. It is not about convincing them they have to change; that won’t work. It is about having them start to feel some of the pain that you are feeling.
– Gary Thomas
So with that said, let’s go back to Heather.
What should she do? She’s ready to leave him. She’s thinking, “If I leave him, at least I won’t have to clean up after him and endure his selfishness. I’ll be able to organize my life and try to get control of things. He never helps, and I’m basically alone anyway. What’s the point?“
I understand. And I have seen several women in Heather’s situation leave. And their husbands are always so blindsided, and often rather pitiful. Usually there’s a much better way. You may feel like it’s the last straw–but what if you’re not seeing the whole picture?
Understand the Dynamic in the Family
Here’s what Heather needs to see: Bill is motivated only by his own pain. He wants to avoid it. So why isn’t Bill helping more? Because he doesn’t feel the need. He’s not in pain. This does not necessarily mean that he is a “bad” person, by the way. He could simply be immature. He may have developed coping mechanisms as a child where he tried to avoid pain. He may have had emotional trauma as a child. It doesn’t mean he’s evil; it simply means that his natural inclination is self-preservation, not empathy and helping others.
Heather, on the other hand, is too motivated by other people’s pain. She’s a people pleaser, and if Bill is unhappy, or her kids are unhappy, or if she feels as if she is making demands on them that will make their lives a little more difficult, she feels tremendous guilt.
You have a situation, then, where Heather is in a perfect situation to be completely taken advantage of by both her husband and her kids. And it is totally natural that they should do that, because Heather is allowing it.
Understand the Spiritual Dynamic in the Family
When Heather “rescues” people, by doing things for them that they should be rightfully doing for themselves, and by downplaying her own needs, she is denying them the opportunity to act in a Christlike manner. She is denying them the opportunity to grow selfless. She is denying them the opportunity to develop empathy.
When it comes to her children, she is denying them the opportunity to learn responsibility and basic life skills.
She feels as if she is being nice, but she is actually being the opposite. She is raising kids who will feel entitled, and she is enabling her husband to close off his heart to her needs.
Change the Dynamic
When Heather thinks this is the last straw in marriage, and says, “shouldn’t I have the right to leave, because I’ve done everything for years in this marriage, and nothing has changed!”, I have to pause then, and say, “But you haven’t done everything.”
That stuns people like Heather, because they will start to list off all of the things they have done–the laundry, the meals, the cleaning, the chauffeuring, the enduring the lack of intimacy and lack of conversation. They have done a lot.
But they have done a lot of the wrong thing.
As I share in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, if you want to find happiness in your marriage, you won’t find it by being giving and nice enough. You will usually only find it by being good—by doing the things that God asks of you, and by helping your family do the things that God asks of them. Being good and being nice are two very different things. Many of us excel at nice, but then our families suffer, because we aren’t truly good.
It’s time to be good.
Are you GOOD or are you NICE?
Because the difference matters!
God calls us to be GOOD, yet too often we’re busy being nice. And sometimes, in marriage, that can actually cause problems to be even more entrenched.
What if there’s a better way?
Actions Speak Louder than Words
One of the big reasons Heather feels hurt is that she has shared with Bill for years how she feels alone and taken advantage of, yet every time they talk, nothing changes. In fact, Bill tries to cut off the conversation, as if he doesn’t really care.
Talking doesn’t help.
In fact, talking like this will often hurt Heather more, because she is expressing her hurt and giving Bill the opportunity for empathy, and he’s shoving it back in her face. She feels more alone than ever.
Yesterday, a woman left this very insightful comment:
My husband and I went through exactly what Gary Thomas describes. When my husband ignored my requests to address our lack of sex life, I took it to mean that he didn’t care about me.
That wasn’t exactly it, though. He cared about me and my pain, just not as much as he cared about his own feelings of fear and awkwardness at addressing a topic that was painful to him.
It wasn’t until I stopped talking and wringing my hands, and drew a line in the sand that he finally was willing to change. Change takes more than talk. It takes action.
Exactly! It’s not about talking more. It’s about taking action. And, in fact, action can be taken with a minimum of talking. It could simply look like this:
Heather gets the family around her and says this, “I’m physically unable to make dinner or clean the house for the foreseeable future. So here’s a schedule for cleaning and cooking. Why don’t you all split up the chores and figure it out?”
And then she sits back and does nothing.
That’s the hardest part. If the laundry doesn’t get done, she mustn’t rescue the people who were supposed to do the laundry. If the meals don’t get made, she mustn’t rescue anybody. She should simply have some snacks on hand that are healthy (like almonds and fruit and vegetables or something) that she can munch on in a crisis, but everybody else will have to fend for themselves.
She can say something like, “If we continue to order out for every meal, we will quickly go into debt. That’s unsustainable. So why don’t you all figure out a solution? If you’d like to know some easy meals to make I’d be happy to tell you, but I’m sure you can figure it out.“
The hardest part for Heather will be to not rescue anybody. She has to let her family step up to the plate. And that may mean that her family doesn’t have as much time for fun or for their own hobbies as they used to. It may mean that her kids are less happy. Her husband may seem grumpy. But that’s okay. Heather’s job on this earth is not to make anybody’s life happy and easy, and if their lives are no longer happy and easy, it is not Heather’s fault. If, on the other hand, Heather physically hurts herself by trying to do too much, then that is Heather’s fault. It is not Bill’s, and it is not the kids’. It is Heather’s. She’s the one who has to draw the boundaries.
People will treat Heather the way that Heather shows she deserves to be treated. If she sacrifices her physical and emotional health so that everybody else has an easy life, then they will ignore her needs and walk all over her.
Many women do this for years until they finally snap in anger and say, “I can’t do this anymore!” How much better if they never set up that dynamic in the first place? How much better if women drew boundaries and simply said, “I can do this, but I can’t do anymore than that, so the rest will be up to you.”
When we hear that you can’t change anyone else, you can only change yourself, we often interpret it the wrong way.
We think it means we must be more giving, more forgiving, more selfless.
But if what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working, doing more of it won’t work either. And God does not ask us to be pushovers; God asks us to be good. And those are not the same thing.
So let me ask you: Are you Heather? Are you bending over backwards trying to make everyone else’s life smooth and easy, while feeling as if nobody cares about your feelings? Do you try to talk to your husband about issues only to have him shut you down every single time? Do you feel as if no one truly cares?
Don’t talk. Just change how you act.
And if you’re stuck, I wrote 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage in a large part for people like you. If you’re Heather, this book will help you see God’s calling on your role in your marriage in a completely different way. You’ll see how being nice actually works against God’s purposes in your marriage. And you’ll see how being good often looks very different than being nice–with tons of practical examples. So pick it up today, and learn how to change that dynamic!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
“Don’t talk. Just change how you act.”
In going through all the resentments I had built up over the years, I cam to the conclusion that I had essentially been a doormat. My sponsor had to tell me to put the bat down and accept that I did what I did for the right reason – to try and keep our marriage and family together. Not that my motives were pure, but it wasn’t entirely selfish either. I always had boundaries, but I either failed to enforce them, or moved them. Now I am working on my children setting up and enforcing boundaries that were always loose. “You want to eat? Do the dishes.” “You want to hang out with your friends? Clean up the cat poo that is on the floor in the corner instead of the litter box, and I’ll give you gas money.” I’m not getting progress as quickly as I would like, but the kids are starting to catch on. 🙂
It can often work the opposite way as well, when I drew a line in the sand, my husband left. Turns out it was the nicest thing he ever did for me. Hi
I very much appreciate this post. I’ve been Heather for years. My husband is starting to take more initiate in family responsibilties, and I thank God for that. I know it will be slow going, but it is going. My question is- what if he just doesn’t care? My husband was raised by a hoarder who did his laundry for him. As a result, he doesn’t care if the house is dirty and expects me to pick up after him. And when I say he doesn’t care I mean I was out of town for three weeks last summer and I came home to cat poop in the living room and the bbq chicken I’d made before leaving still in the crock pot on the counter. It took me four days to clean the kitchen because he didn’t do dishes once while I was gone. How do you make them “feel the pain” of their pain tolerance is really high?
I would be interested to hear a response to this question too. My husband is loving and giving but our issue is time management. We are late everywhere we go. We agree on a time that we need to leave, andI usually have myself and our kids ready and waiting before he can get himself ready. The dog is walked, kids are fed, kitchen is cleaned up, etc. and still we wait and are late. He doesn’t seem to mind or be embarrassed by it but I am and the kids miss things that might be important (parts of classes at church and such). What is a kind and loving thing to do? Leave without him? Truly, I know I have allowed this, I’m just not exactly sure what to do now. Would appreciate some wisdom from other ladies.
It depends–do you have two cars? And where are you going–is it something for the kids where they’ll suffer for being late (like church)? In some cases, that may be the loving thing to do. “Honey, I know that you’re busy and have a lot to do, but the kids and I would like to get to church on time because we don’t want to miss things. So I will do my best to have the kids in the car by X o’clock, and I’ll help you get ready as much as I can, too. But at that point, I’m going to leave. We’d really like you to be with us, though!” Then give him lots of warning, and go.
But if it’s something like going out to dinner as a family, then I think waiting for him is totally warranted.
Honestly, though, have you talked about it? Or have you framed it like, “Honey, I know you have a really hard time getting out the door. What can I do to help? Can we start getting ready half an hour earlier? Do you need a list of the things that you need to get ready?” Maybe he’s just really organizationally challenged and needs some help with this! If you frame it in terms of “how can we be a team and work together on this” that’s likely more helpful. But if it’s a chronic problem and he just doesn’t care, then I don’t think there’s a problem with you leaving, if you’re not doing it because you’re bitter or angry. If you’re just, “Look, you don’t mind being late, and I don’t mind you being late, so if you want to be late, that’s honestly okay. I just don’t want the kids to be late, so we’ll just go separately.” That’s just letting you each be what you want to be, and that may be fine. Does that make sense?
Hi , I have a question. My husband is addicted to porn, bad. He refuses to give it up says he will in his time ( paraphrasing) . How in your opinion do I handle this? Give it tovGod and ignore it ? We have talked to 2 people about it they gave him suggestions but he doesn’t stop. He has promised me he wouldn’t look at it in our house but has. If I ask him about it he says he looked at it and if I ask when he gonna stop he fights with me. Married 2.5 years I had no idea he had this problem before we married. I ask him if he looked at porn he told me he has but doesn’t. He lied. Now what? Apparently it not grounds for divorce. He will spend hour at work looking at it . Our sex life is awful for me I feel used. It getting to the point I can’t stand it and beg God not to let him touch me. Bible says not to with hold sex in a marriage, there a whole lot of other issues like male schovinist, self centerness and controlling. All of this is my fault I married him , things got unbearable 1 month after the marriage. He said he was saved now he has gotten mad at me for readin bible and talking about God. He has left many times because I read bible. Yet he keep coming back with all these wonderful promises but they never stick. Bible says no divorce , honor husband no matter what … humanly speaking I don’t know if it possible
Oh, Mercedes, my heart really breaks for you! I want to assure you that your HUSBAND has already broken the marriage covenant, not you. You are totally in the right to put up boundaries and say, “If you watch porn, then I will take this step…” I encourage you to read this post about not enabling sin and this post about divorce. I do believe that many porn-ravaged marriages can be saved; I’ve seen it on this blog! But it rarely happens until the porn user realizes that he has to change.
Check out Fight The New Drug and Bloom!
My husband dealt with porn addiction. This really helped highlight issues and helped me understand his addiction so that I could help him in turn. Bloom has resources to help partners who have been hurt by porn or cheating.
He might have undiagnosed ADHD. Check a symptom list of things like lacking executive function. Getting diagnosed and on the right medication could make a world of difference for him and your whole family!
That’s a great point, Becky! Thank you.
I have had this problem as well. I do not like to be late and I didn’t want the kids to start thinking that was acceptable, so we took a separate car to church one Sunday at the designated time. He has been much better about getting ready for church on time since then.
A friend of mine, whose wife was always extremely late for everything, dealt with it this way. If the event was important to her, but not to him, he simply refused to go late and told her she could go by herself. When the event was important to him, they had two cars, so he went on time and told her she could come when/if she wanted. It didn’t cure her of her chronic lateness, but it relieved him of the anxiety, irritation, and embarrassment.
Hello,
My husband used to be “late” all the time. I like being on time. After being late so many times, I finally, told him, “I will meet you their” and i would leave. if he came late. oh well, – at least he didn’t ruin my time. If he called on his cell phone and said ” i am running late” – i told him again. : i will meet you at.. ( wherever it was) concert, dinner with friends, his parents house. etc.
It worked. i was happy at not missing events, and feeling embarrassed for being late.
Today my husband is no longer late. I think it bothered him i was having fun without him. ( now if i could only get him to be romantic -sigh-
Sheila, I respectfully disagree with you about drawing a line in the sand. The bible says the exact opposite for wives.
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, ” 1 Peter 3:1
notice the “without a word”, also notice that the goal of the wife isn’t to have a fair and balanced marriage for herself, it is to save the soul of an unbelieving husband. Christ will take care of her needs, her needs to be loved, her loneliness, and her strength and energy. She is not dependent upon her husband to fulfill her needs.
Jenny, with respect, I think you’re interpreting that verse in a way that it was not meant to be interpreted. We are always to act in such a way that points people to Christ, not that points them away from Him. When we enable sin, we encourage people to act in an unChristlike way. That is never God’s intention. We aren’t to follow people into sin or to perpetuate a situation which encourages it. Peter himself, who wrote those words, chastised Sapphira for following her husband into sin, and also said, “we must obey God rather than man.” Submission does not mean that we go along with what our husbands want; submission always means that we submit to our husband’s best and our husband’s needs, and sometimes it is our husband’s best that they be pointed towards Jesus, not away from Him.
I sooo need to read that about submission. I have really struggled with this bc want ti be a Godly wife. But reading this article I realize boundaries are exactly what I need! My mom has told me for years that sometimes helping my husband is by putting my foot down! I think I get it now! I am so thankful for these articles!!!
I’m so glad, Amy!
That verse is about how to win a husband to Christ, because boundaries, lines in sand, communication, etc. will not win someone to Christ. So win an unbelieving husband to Christ without a word by him noticing Christ in you.
It has nothing to do with how to resolve conflict in marriage, or how to interact with your husband in general.
Jenny,
context, please. 😉 Yes, unbelieving husbands will be won, not by their words, but, “by the conduct of their wives.” In other words, in how the wife does what is good. Note it does NOT say, “by their wives doing everything for them, even at the expense of their own self-respect.” And certainly not by their wives tolerating sinful behavior.
Remember that Jesus did not tolerate sin. In fact, I think Christ was pretty good about setting boundaries. He reprimanded the Pharisees quite harshly, and drove the money-changers from the temple, even overturning tables when He did so! He drew lines in the sand often, in fact. He told people what they had to do to get to Heaven–and he didn’t bend those rules so that people would like Him. He didn’t stop the rich young man when he walked away sad that he didn’t want to give up all of his riches. Jesus didn’t say, “Well, wait… maybe you can just give up SOME of your riches…” That would have been the “nice” thing to do, to move that line back… but not the loving thing to do. He expected (and still expects) people to DO GOOD.
Drawing a line in the sand does not mean depending on your husband more than God for your happiness. In fact, it’s a way of trusting God to meet those needs, rather than being a doormat because you are more concerned that your husband will not “like” you if you aren’t. Of course, you should make sure your line is where it should be–you cannot use boundaries as a way to manipulate your husband to change or get him to do what you want. You can only use them to say, “Here is the limit of what I can and should do. I respect and trust that you are capable of respecting that.” It’s about doing what is good, and not doing more than is good for yourself or others.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to occasionally do something for someone, that they can and should normally do themselves, as a gift. But don’t do so much for someone that you are crippling them of their ability to stand on their own two feet, or taking away some of their need for God. That’s not real love.
I love this so much.
I also love this so much!
I can Identify with Heather when it comes to selfishness on his part. I am still a newlywed, nearly 2 years now, but my husband refuses to consummate our marriage. He won’t sleep in the same room or lay in the same bed. He has to eat first, tells me that I am making him live like a pig, when he trashes every place he enters. He is a horder, buying things he never uses, tells me not to touch his stuff, he will take care of it, but never does. His temper is like volcanic, but he is a Christian man. He gets on me for tithing and giving an offering monthly. He requires that I give him money so he can pay his bills, then spends what he saves on himself. The last time he bought me clothes was on our wedding day. I can’t see staying with him much longer. I have given him more that enough time to be a husband to me. He rarely buys groceries, but when he does it is only what he likes. I have tried to keep my vows, but he refuses to keep his.
Oh, RH, this is TERRIBLE. So many, many red flags here. Please, get some counselling that is good and that understands narcissistic personality disorder. Your husband sounds like a combination of immature and narcissistic. Why has he not consummated? That’s strange. And if he has a volcanic temper, that really sounds abusive. If he ever gets violent, please get out right away.
One thing: You state that your husband is Christian, because he insists on tithing and likely says all the right things. However, Jesus said that we will know Christians by their love. If your husband is selfish, egotistical, angry, and takes pleasure in seeing you miserable, then that does not sound like a Christian. That sounds like someone who uses Christian words to get what he wants. I pray for clarity for you and for help around you to make the right choice.
I am asking this seriously and respectfully – what does a wife do about her unmet need for sex in her marriage. That is a hard one for God to fill, and I don’t think that was the intention.
If you find the answer, please let me know.
Jenny, I actually think the verse you quoted is totally in line with what Sheila said in the post. “To submit and win the husband without a word” doesn’t mean to simply let him run over you, possibly abuse you. Often the person has to feel the consequence of their own sin, and that means that in a marriage the wife has to stop absorbing the negative consequences of the husbands behavior and let him feel the consequence or pain that is his, so he can actually get aware of his sin and thus find Jesus! To be quiet in this context I think speaks about not nagging our husbands about their behavior or being all preachy.
Once again, a fabulous article. My husband is very giving except in the bedroom. He couldn’t care less about having sex. I have kept myself in very good shape, tried to be a supportive wife, but it hasn’t changed in years. It is an issue that, over the past handful of years, has become a constant thought on my mind. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he steers away from hi “pain” of the conversation. I feel the same way the woman you quoted in this article does. I would love to know what ultimatum she gave him because it could work for me.
My husband has finally agreed to go to a Marriage Renewal weekend, and I’m hoping with all the discussion about God’s intention of marriage will spark a real conversation. We have been together for 18 years and I really don’t want to be sexless and lacking intimacy for the next 50 years. God bless!
I have this same question! Only in my case, he does feel pain when I show enough unhappiness. But as soon as I stop complaining, the changes stop as well. I’m tired of having to be continually upset to get my needs met.
That’s wonderful that you’re going on a retreat! Usually there’s lots of time for projects at those retreats and then you can finally talk about this stuff easier. I hope that it is a really blessed weekend for you!
Thank you Sheila! I’ve been praying a lot about this weekend, and I have been praying a lot for my husband. I was shocked when I told him we were going, that he calmly said ok.
Hi Sheila, I just wanted to report back about the retreat. It was life-changing! My husband has finally seen the importance of praying with me every night, turning off the computer, and stepping up to be the kind of dad he deep down wished he had. I was shocked when I saw him walking through the audio book section and purchasing a book about what God intended. He has NEVER agreed to read anything about marriage and parenting. He also apologized for not taken the need for sexual intimacy seriously. Wow for a Chinese man to admit that, is incredible.
The final shocker is, at the end of the weekend when they talked about volunteering, he suggested that we start a group at home.
God can truly move the biggest rocks when he is ready! God bless you Sheila for all of your post that helped me not give up hope. May the next 19 years with my husband be the best ever!
That is SO AMAZING! So neat to see what God can do! Amen.
I don’t know if you’ll see this Nancy, but I’m interested in how the last 4 years have been with you and your husband.
I have the same problem. My husband had his hormone levels checked and took the shots to get his testosterone level where it needs to be because that was the only thing that was found to be low, but that didn’t work so the doctor wants him to see a urologist. He says he’ll go “sometime” but has no interest in seeing if there is an underlying problem or not. He couldn’t care less if we have sex and it’s always initiated by me. I am a very sexual person and we have discussed this over and over again. I am a Christian but have honestly thought about having an affair. I will probably not do that, but it has entered my mind. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to help me fulfill my needs, even if he could take it or leave it. If it were up to him, we may only be have sex once every other month or every third month. I don’t know what to do. I am affraid this is going to eventually lead to divorce. However this is really the only area that we have problems in.
My husband refuses to go get his hormone levels checked. I’m pretty sure that is part of the problem. I’ve also had passing thoughts of an affair, but I always picture the day after, and realize that I could never look our daughter in the face again if I had gone against my sacramental vow to God and my husband.
It does make me sad that he chooses to stay in his comfort zone versus checking into a problem that is so important to me. Not to mention, when he enjoys sex with me, I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to deal with any issue that is preventing him from enjoying sex more often with me. It can be so much fun!
This article makes it out like it’s Heather’s fault and her husband has done no wrong by acting like he doesn’t care at all about her pain and that’s completely wrong. I refuse to blame myself for the fact that my husband is a selfish jerk who only cares about himself. Your husband and wife, not master and servant and he needs to step the hell up and be an adult instead of a lazy child, or he shouldn’t have married her. If he can’t do that, then he doesn’t love her.
Seriously, try three times in 2 years. Im beyond my whits end with this. Its not just the lack of sex or any kind of intimacy or even communication. My husband has a history of substance abuse and he is distant and is in a perpetual state of functioning whatever they called it in the article. These have been very enlightening for me, an answer to prayer even. I was ready to walk out. I am still prepared to do this, bc this is the only thing that has ever gotten my husband’s attention. Im doing some serious soul searching and in deep prayer right now. There is nothing that resembles an actual marriage in our relationship. Nothing. Ive decided to work on me. Ive still made him a coffee every day, washed his clothes and put them away. We still have 3 teenage children living at home and our finances are intertwined. The woman who mentioned seriously contemplating an affair, I understand that. Its not something Id even want to consider but I understand how people fall into that temptation, I am not immune. Also, there was someone who mentioned the only catalyst for hubby changing is threatening with leaving, I understand that too. I also understand not wanting to be upset all the time. These people are adults. My husband is several years older then me, almost 10. He will call me childish and rebuke me for ‘correcting him’ when Im trying to communicate with him AND he is a committed gamer. Nearly 50 years old and he is either at work, or on his game. He doesnt interact with his children. They all feel the same neglect as I do. I have reached my limit. He will be made aware of this very soon.
I needed to add that he is no longer drinking or smoking weed. So, no longer self medicating.
I totally relate to wife with back injury, been there done that. No help from hubby and minor help if paid the kids. Being married to non christian, my son now is athiest. In every disagreement I am wrong or belittled. Neglect is in our home to. A marriage with one person changing and other not caring, really isn’t a marriage. Christian friends have added to the confusion saying, if only you pray harder. For what, to have another hell is 20 years?
Was just wondering if you had found a solution??
Ugh I so needed this. I’m definitely an “acts of service” type person. So was my mom and so was my dad- majorly. But my husband is not by any means and it can often times be very hurtful. Especially when I feel as though it is very obvious that I need help, or we have even talked about it many times, and nothing changes. I guess I figured the more I self-sacrifice, the better wife I am in God’s eyes. But God calls the husband to lay his life down for his husband. Just as Jesus laid his life down for the church.
The thing I’m struggling with, though, is is it really biblical to tell your husband they need to sacrifice for you? Or do you wait for God to convict them? At what point do we say, “I’ve done enough for you” and still remain pleasing to God?
Chelsea, that’s a great question, and I’m not sure it has a one-size-fits-all, easy answer. I’d say this: you pray about it, hard, and you ask God to show you your own heart. You can’t do anything out of anger to him, or bitterness, or anything like that. You deal with your own stuff. Then maybe you ask one or two friends to help you pray through this. You talk to him about whether there is anything that he would like you to do more in the marriage. And then you spell it out, really clearly, what you need him to do.
And if he doesn’t do it? Well, it really depends on the situation. The thing with Heather is that continuing to do things around the house was physically POSSIBLE in the short run but not in the long run. She was hurting herself, too. And if what you are doing is damaging to yourself, either physically or emotionally, or damaging to your relationships, then it needs to be curtailed. But I don’t know what the answer to that is because everyone is different, if you know what I mean.
I do write a lot about this in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage which can perhaps help you think through motivations, which is so key. I hope that helps!
I love this! Just not sure how to implement it in some situations. If my husband would rather have his shoes on the floor than on the shoe rack because they are easy to put on, his coat on the couch instead of the coat closet because it’s more accessible, jeans on the bed for the same reason, how would he experience any pain if I stop picking up after him? His preference is having everything lying around ready to grab and wear. Any ideas?
Sure! I actually talk about this a lot in To Love, Honor and Vacuum. For things like this, the point is, it’s HIS house, too. So if he wants things lying around so he can grab them, that preference should be taken into account. But you also want things neat. So what about just having one area of the house where he can leave things as he wants? This isn’t necessarily him not caring about your feelings as much as it may be that you both have a different idea of what “home” means, and finding a compromise may be a good idea. So if you just say, “I don’t mind if you leave things lying around in this corner of the bedroom”, or “I’ll put a basket by the door where you can throw anything you want to in there”, and then you can just throw things in there if you want to. Does that make sense?
Good thoughts! Thank you!
I love those suggestions!
My husband and I are close with a couple who view messiness/organization in very different ways. The wife is more type A and he’s type B. She talks about how, for the longest time, she would get so upset with him when he would leave his clothes, shoes, etc. lying around the bedroom. And he would get frustrated with her for wanting him to have everything organized all the time. This was an issue for them for a long time (they’ve been married 34 years).
Finally, they agreed to have separate sides of the bedroom. His side is messy, her side is neat and organized. They each have their own space where they can be comfortable. And they were able to stop arguing about it. I thought that was a great compromise!
What? But yesterday you said it wasn’t the wife’s fault, and this whole article just sounds like, Hey, it’s actually your fault because you’ve been enabling him this whole time. I sure as heck don’t enable my kids. They have to do a lot of work. And I don’t care about getting stuff done around the house. I’d happily live in a dump of a house if my husband loved me! How on earth is making him make meals or clean going to change him?? He would just get angry at me because I’m his wife and it’s my duty, and I’m supposed to submit to him. So if I ignored him, essentially disobeying God, how is that showing Christ to him? And what does doing chores even have to do with a better marriage?? I mean, did I miss some crucial part of this article?? Did Gary write another one and I’m supposed to go read that? This makes no sense, and it’s just super frustrating when I feel like I’ve tried everything for nine years and thought maybe I’d find a solution today.
I feel your pain and i do feel kind of lost now too. I was really looking forward to reading this article, hoping to learn what to do but I still don’t know. And i thought Gary would be contributing again too.
The article is not about using tricks to get him to do things your way. It’s standing up for yourself as a human being with limitations. Godly wives are not supposed to be second mothers with sex benefits for their husbands who would rather be little boys with no responsibility outside of wage earning. We are not second class citizens just because God set up headship and submission.
It is our fault to the degree where we let ourselves be used by someone too lazy to accept that being an adult male means doing, or helping with, your wife’s job when she is overwhelmed, injured or debilitated. There is no sin in saying “I cannot!” if that cannot is genuine. Same goes for too many added responsibilities as well. It is not being unsubmissive to set real boundaries of functionality especially when we can prove ourselves by doing the best we can do with the items that really are in our sphere of operations.
Yes standing up for your God given right to be treated as a thinking, feeling human being does make people angry because they have to face the fact that they can no longer use us for their convenience. Why would you cheerily give up what has been working for you and feeding your flesh without a fight?
I suggest reading the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend as it gives much more detail and help than you can get from blog post and comment sections.
From today, I will be good not nice
I have enjoyed the last two articles. This is exactly how I feel in my marriage. I have been fighting for my marriage and trying to do everything right and serve my husband but it has gotten us no where.
I have tried talking to him and he becomes belligerent and flat out says he doesnt care and will just leave me. He pays the rent so I should know he loves me even though he spends no time with me, disrepects me, refuses to wear his wedding ring, says he is not attracted to me anymore (i am only 31, i take care of myself and havent gained weight), denies me affection and sex and we have never reconciled over his porn use and activity on dating and hookup sites. He simply wants me to forget about it and move on while he shows me no love and doesn’t understand why i feel insecure.
I just started counseling that is free through my church and they’re helping me to see Gods love for me and not be totally devastated by my husbands lack of love and care for me. But they cant really help me with my marriage because my husband will not come with me and I cannot afford to see another counselor.
So how do I be “good” in this situation? I don’t really know what to do. If I tell him that something needs to change or we need to separate he will say lets separate then. I am trying to win my husband over by being loving and praying God captures his heart but does being good mean i have to draw that boundary again and be abandoned again? Are there other options other ways to be “good” or is my marriage just doomed?
I’m so sorry you are going through this. That is horrible.
6 months ago I found out that my husband had committed adultery. I packed his bags and left them on the lawn. I was 8.5 months pregnant with my 10th baby. I needed to have at least a month of no communication with him, just to try and sort things out. We are back together now and working on fixing things. It took my finding out and carrying out a consequence for him to realize what he was going to lose forever if he ever does that again. Over the years, there have been porn and dating site issues as well. so, it wasn’t the first offense.
Your situation, though, sounds like he is already so out of touch with you. God says anyone who looks at a woman with lust is guilty of adultery. Your husband is guilty of adultery just from the porn. My guess is that he’s been committing adultery physically, too.
My thoughts are that you need to leave. Obviously what you have been doing hasn’t helped, and I’m so sorry!!! If he’s going to change, that seems like the only way to find out. He needs to be left to his own devices. Even though he says it won’t matter if you do, it very well could. However, it could very well not matter. I think you need to go. You’ve done what can. He’s made his unfortunate choice.
Also, if you decide to leave, I would suggest that it be done secretly, so it’s a shock. I think that if you discuss it with him or tell him your intentions, that gives time for the realization of reality to set in. If it’s a complete shock, it might jolt him into a state of actually thinking about what has happened, when he comes home from work and any semblance of you has vanished. When you’re not there to cook his meals or do his laundry or clean his house, and it was all unexpected, it might result in his turning around his ways if he understands what he has lost.
This is Amazing! I read all your blogs every single day!
I’ve been married for 7 months, short I know… But we are hitting a really huge rock with this. My husband simply does not care about anything unless it benefits him or our dog. I honestly think he cares about our dog more than me.. If I leave something that our dog can get it all comes unglued. He goes off. He never helps me with anything, I am expected to do everything, cook, clean, clothes, pay bill, run the money while I still work a full time job and still in college full time..
I grew up in a house where it was completely unexceptable for my dad to talk to my mom is such a way. He helped and treated my mom with such respect! His family way different, his mom “submits” in a way that is very scary. I disagree with highly.
My thing is this i dont know what boundaries to set and how?
I really appreciate what you have to say in this post. I think all too often women are guilty of doing this. I know I had to be willing to let things go and have things not get done. What I realized is that we could get by on less than what I was demanding and my family was able to do more than I allowed them to.
I needed this today. What an eye opener with the “Bill being motivated by his own pain.” My husband grew up in a very dysfunctional house and I’VE used that as an excuse (not him!) for why he’s emotionally unavailable, incapable of compassion. And I think I’m to the point that we need to go our separate ways after 21 years. He too has no interest in sex, has low T but won’t get it treated, and to be honest he’s had a low sex drive since I met him in his mid 20’s. (and it was nice to hear that other women struggle with this too…I’m not alone, but I am.) My minister suggests a separation to break current habits that obviously aren’t working.
I know this blog is geared towards women, but what if the dynamic is the opposite? I, the husband, am the one who does all of the housework and we both work full time. I feel like I’m the one who’s tried explaining my feelings about different aspects of our marriage only to be blown off because there’s not enough “pain” experienced by her.
Chris,
I think it would generally work the same way, if you just reverse the gender pronouns. In fact, in Gary Thomas’ articles, he says as much.
I’m not quite sure how to apply this if there is lack of intimacy and feeling valued by my husband. He struggles to say anything nice to me (he doesn’t say mean things) – but nothing genuine and encouraging, he doesn’t think to ask how I’m dealing with infertility, and we make plans to be intimate but often those plans are easily broken by something else that comes up and never replanned until I bring it up. He’s isn’t mean or abusive, he just only seems interested in what is fun to him. Any advice?
Thank you for this blog post. I would however like to know what kind of “boundaries” will help with a husband who is unloving, who does not communicate, who doesn’t care that there is no intimacy or sex? It is one thing to set boundaries for chores around the house to get him to do more stuff but how do I get him to care about the “deeper” things in marriage? Please help by giving practical advice on this too?
I read to live honor and vacuum and it was life changing! And this post really just added to it. But I am feeling a little unsure of what to do now. Setting bounties for myself is something I should have done along time ago, we have been married almost 11 years and have the kids (9,3, and 8 months) my kids are not so much the problem, they are really helpful and pitch in, especially my 9 year old. I have two situations I just don’t know how to handle
The first: last night after making a quick trip to the store and bank I rushed home to make dinner, while I was making dinner my husband decided he was done taking care of the baby and put him in his high chair. The baby cried while I finished up dinner. I told my husband that in the future I’m not going to let the baby cry, he’s the only one in this house who can’t fend for himself and I’m not going to let him not be cared for, so if he isn’t willing to take care of the baby while I’m cooking then everyone will just have to fend for themselves. I’m also not going to make a meal that I don’t get too enjoy with the family because I have to go out the baby to sleep or feed him etc if it’s something he could have handled while I’m cooking. He lost it. He started yelling at me that now everything is on my terms and I’m just going to do whatever I feel like I should do whenever I feel like I should do it. What if he just decided he didn’t feel like going to work? He can’t decided to not fulfill his obligations but I can?
How do I deal with his anger? It’s not just this situation either, if I don’t wash his underwear because he doesn’t put them in the hamper then he’s yelling at me because he has no clean underwear, because in his mind it’s my obligation to pick up after him. He feels like going to work is the beginning and ending of his obligation to our family (he has said this) and I’m obligated to pick up after him and 100% care for the children and the house. Anything he does outside of going to work is extra that I should appreciate. How do I handle this? Do I just let it ride out and hope for it to eventually get better? He’s so angry and entitled.
My second issue is that he uses our oldest son to fulfill many of his responsibilities. He asks our son to pick up after him, or to care for the baby while I cook (even though he is just sitting on the couch watching tv) if for one reason or another I don’t make dinner, he will have my son make himself a sandwich, one for my daughter and one for him. So if I don’t serve him our son will. I need to set boundaries for my son too, he does a lot, he helps in every single area of running the house. He does his fair share of chores and pitches in anywhere I need help. I’m sick of seeing him taken advantage of also, it’s not his job to pick up daddy’s boots, dishes, and dirty laundry, it’s not his job to care for the baby and his little sister. And he’s such a sweet boy and will often offer to help and that’s great, but my husband expects his service. How do I deal with this? How do I protect my son from the same disrespect I’m trying to avoid myself?
Brandi–I’m so sorry that your husband is reacting this way. That’s so sad! I’m just going to give you a few quick thoughts, but my overarching thought is that you two would likely benefit from either a mentor couple sitting down with you or going and talking to a counselor together. It sounds like you have some really unhealthy ways of talking about things.
Okay, a few quick things: His yelling does not have to influence you. If he yells, it’s okay to say, “I’d love to talk to you about this, but we can’t talk while you’re yelling. So I’m going to take the kids and go into another room, and when you’re ready to talk, I’d love to hear your thoughts.” And then just go. Don’t get dragged into a conversation while he’s yelling.
In fact, when he yells, it’s better to just disengage. Nothing healthy will come from that.
Second, you can stick to your boundaries without defending them. Just do them. If the baby cries, you can pick up the baby and then make cereal for yourself and the kids. That’s okay. You don’t have to explain it, or even mention it again. And if he yells, again, that’s okay. He’s yelling, but it doesn’t have to change how you act.
It’s likely a good idea at a time when he’s NOT angry to sit down and ask him: what would you like from our family? What do you want our family to look like? What do you think is reasonable for all of us to do? Can we talk about all the work that goes on in a household and who should do what?
And if he yells about his underwear–again, this doesn’t have to affect you. You can just say, “I’m sorry you’re angry,” and then leave the room.
Many people yell when they don’t get their way because they’re trying to bully someone. You can choose whether you allow yourself to be bullied. But even when he’s a bully, you can still act kindly. You don’t have to yell back. You can do all of the laundry that is in the hamper happily and fold it and put it away. You can treat him as nicely as possible. But just don’t get sucked into that vicious cycle, because it really won’t help!
As for your 9-year-old, again, I think that’s where having a third party give an opinion is likely a good idea. I do hope that helps!
Thank you, it’s really hard to not get sucked into a fight with him, I’m working on my self control.
We’ve tried counseling once, it didn’t go very well, and we stopped going. I think it was a combination of a bad counselor and me not being open enough with the counselor. I don’t like to talk badly about my husband, but he has no problem sharing my negative points, so it turned into fixing me. The counselor suggested that I just wasn’t cut out to be a house wife so I should get a job and send my kids to school (I’ve worked before, it was worse then because I worked and did everything at home). When I told her that my son helped so much she didn’t understand why I needed my husband’s hero. I’ve thought about going back to counseling, maybe it’s time to try a new counselor.
That definitely does not sound like a helpful counselor! Sometimes what really helps when seeing a counselor is to write down specific incidents that happen when your husband is yelling. When did he start? What did he say? Where were the kids? What did you do?
Then talk about these incidents. And again–try not to engage if he starts to yell! Just back away calmly.
The only thing that would cause my husband pain would be if I left him…maybe. Letting everything go only hurts me; he could care less if he’s wearing dirty underwear or eating PB&J. But since he’s not drinking or doing drugs, goes to work faithfully and isn’t cheating, there really isn’t a biblical reason to leave. The efforts to draw the boundary and wait for change exhausted me. Sometimes you just have to resign yourself to what is. When I’m tired, I rest. The house may not be as clean as I like, but it will do. The marriage may not be intimate, but it will have to do.
I catch myself looking forward to the “death do us part” part sometimes.
Don’t know if I want to give her the satisfaction of blowing my retirement though. HA!
Oh did I mention she cannot really be trusted with finances either?
Oh but I got (fill in useless whatever widget here) on sale! Ok, but did we really need this widget? Or another one when you don’t use the two you already have?
I get laid off and spending habits of hers don’t change one single Iota. “Oh something will come along eventually”.
What to do when your both sides are guilty of doing the wrong thing? For example. I used to do everything for my family and out me last. Then 4 days into the marriage there was an physical affair and the other partner was stilling caring on a suspected emotional affair with an ex. Then two months into the marriage the suspected emotional affair was confirmed as well as seeing other texts from other women that he had met on a singles site and told them he was still single when in fact we were married. Then he would tell my many times a week that I didn’t want the marriage and he would sleep down stairs for a few days. The fighting continued for two years. Early this year he moved out because our church leader asked him to. Within one month he was broke and wanted to move back in and I didn’t say anything I helped him come back. But the same thing kept happening on his part except now on my part i had turned to talking to people for advic and not realizing it was talking to a lot of people and then rumors flew. I started hiding my phone so he wouldn’t see who I was talking to because I began to also complain about him to a male friend. The entire two years he kept telling me I was cheating. When I had stopped. Neither of us fessed up to the issues and they compounded and my child from my second marriage began to not like him and would be rude even if she got in trouble, my parents wouldn’t allow him over so for holidays I felt like I had to split my day. Part with him then off to their house just my child and I. Even though I hated it I still did it to make my mom happy or should would guilt trip me and I couldn’t stand up to her. all my husband kept saying kept saying was nothing would change. In July I found him texting another women again as well as still using porn. Mind you that he had been divorced twice before for cheating and I still chose to marry him, I was/am in love with him. I could handle the scratch ticket addiction but the texting other women I can’t. So in August I started to with draw. Yes I want my marriage and told him if he wanted to save it he needed to set up counseling because I had set it up three times in two years and he wouldn’t go with me. He never did. However he did go to the va to get on med to help and they did help as long as he took them. I could see he was making changes and was hoping that he would continue. In the past he would try for about a month or two then was right back at it. So I sat back and watched and grow to where I became lazy and detached. In late October he said he was moving out to work on him I told him I didn’t want that but we needed to go to counseling. He moved anyway. The day he moved I took the pictures of us down and then I plundered it and before I could put them back up he saw and said I couldn’t last a day. The next day he told me we could find ourselves and date. He also said that he could never move back in this home and I said fine I would sell it and we would buy one together. A day or so later he is found on a singles site and is telling me he can’t do this anymore. I have been praying for a miracle. I do love him very much I do want to work things out. I am going to the set up appointment but I do not think he will be there. What do I do? How do I fix the hurt I have caused and forgive him so he will be willing to work on the marriage still? He also said we didn’t respect him but even at the tiniest thing he would get mad. Some days he was really good.
Hi there! I’m so sorry that your marriage is in such crisis right now. That must be so tough.
I think it’s really good that you’ve got an appointment with the counsellor. That’s excellent. And even if he doesn’t go, I hope that the counsellor can help you work through your own issues and deal with the responsibility that you feel for your part in the marriage breach. And then maybe you can start figuring out how to address him properly. But you can’t force someone to change or force them to stay with you. All you can do is own your part of the issues, and then standing strong and drawing boundaries over what you will accept in a marriage and what you will not. And if he chooses to leave, that will be devastating. But God really can get you through it! Just make sure that you do what is right now, so that you can always say that you tried and you did your best.
I’m so sorry you’re hurting like this!
I would love if the line in the sand work. I asked my husband to take on some of the responsibility of the home, while I finished the school semester (about 2 months). At the end of those two months, the house was trashed, kids had zero money in their lunch accounts, had our house in pre-foreclosure with a court date and a letter saying our car was being repossessed by a certain date. . We went to marriage counseling. I made the first 2 appointments. Told him in front of the counselor he needs to make the next appointment and find a babysitter. After 6 months I told him if he doesn’t make that appointment and find a babysitter we are done. He made the appointment, didn’t find a babysitter so he attended that session alone. Now it has been 6 months more and I am waiting for him to make another appointment, as he mopes around the house, because I told him we are building him a room in the garage to live in, until I am able to get a job that affords enough to pay for daycare and a home for me and the kids. He does love me, but rather be a dependent than a husband. Rather fight with the kids like a sibling than be a dad. He just agree’s with stuff to get me to shut up. “Yes on Tuesday we will sit down and come up with a budget, I am really tired now. I promise..”. Tuesday came and passes……… I am at my last straw without seeing anything else..
I’m so, so sorry, Andrea! It sounds like you are living with a child. Allowing things to get that bad in your house is very irresponsible. The thing about lines in the sand, though, is that they only work if you follow through. He sounds like a man who isn’t motivated by your pain; only by his own. So until he feels real pain (realizes he’s lost you, for instance), he’s unlikely to change. I would see a counsellor myself and ask them for help setting some firm boundaries and figuring out what to do if he doesn’t follow through. I’m so sorry, Andrea!
Just came across this article. It’s a totally different perspective than most marriage articles and it gives me a little hope. My husband is the type who is EXTREMELY offended if I bring up anything he does wrong…No matter how gently I say it. An attempt at a conversation usually ends with him cursing at me and slamming doors.
He puts 110% into his job and treats his 16 year old daughter with more kindness and favor than I have ever received from him. He’s never bought me flowers yet I’m currently watching him enthusiastically plan and plant a garden for one of his employers. It rips my heart out. On days when he’s in the worst mood I have to walk on eggshells but he talks to his daughter with endearments and a soft voice.
Perhaps it’s time for me to figure out how to simply be good by God’s standards and stop killing my own spirit trying to be nice.
I’m so glad this helped you Tammy! I’ll say a prayer for you.
For the first time i understand the frase….don’t change your spouse, change yourself. Thank you so much.
I’m glad it helped!
I just read this article and it shed a different light on my situation. I have been married for 27 years and we have had some difficult times. We both have not handled things in a healthy way at times. Even though I have done everything I could to show my husband that I love him all these years, he still says he don’t believe that I love him and that I have hurt and destroyed him all these years by my behavior. He thinks that I have neglected him, not met his needs sexually, and not been there for him. In the last few weeks I have had a suspicion that my husband was talking to another woman. There have been hours unaccounted for where I did not know where he was and he will not tell me. I have asked him if there is another woman and all he will say is, “I have nothing to say.” Which tells me in my gut that there is. I do know that there has been too many phone calls to this woman and too many texts and he says they are just friends and he was helping her through her marriage breakup, listening as a friend. Two weeks ago my husband found out that I had been confiding in my sister and my best friend about all of my suspicions and that I had tried to find out if he really was cheating on me. He said I lied to him about all of it. He got mad when he found out and things blew up. At that point he took off his wedding ring and said that we were separated and that he was not living as my husband right now. He said he would not be accountable to me for anything. He drives for a living and has been out of town the past 2 weeks and only home on weekends. Last weekend he came home, showered and left for the entire weekend until time to come home and get ready to go out of town again. I am in so much pain over this that I can’t sleep, eat, or think straight. The confusing part of all of this is he still tells me he loves me but he is acting like this. I love my husband with all of my heart and I have asked him to work on things with me and he just refuses. I just want my marriage and family restored and I have diligently prayed without ceasing and I have gotten in the Bible and I am focusing on getting closer to God. I don’t know what the future holds for us, it is just so hard to imagine my life without him at this point. I am at a loss as to what to do any more. I have tried everything to make him see that I want nothing more than to work on us. Do I just step back and let him continue to go on as we are? Do I keep trying to make things work even though he says right now he can’t be a husband anytime soon and we need to just be friends?
Hi Teresa,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, especially after 27 years! That sounds so hard. The best book I’ve ever read for people in that situation is James Dobson’s book Love Must Be Tough. It’s really written for the situation where one person wants to save the marriage while the other just doesn’t care. I hope that it will help you, and I really do recommend taking a look at it!
My husband and I have argued about the division of labor in our house for years. We have four children under the age of 7. I’m stay at home- he’s an ambitious scientist whom is making huge strides in his career. He feels that he should come home and have NOTHING else to do. Same with weekends. I want him to bath and brush teeth a few times a week. That’s all. He refuses. I don’t ask for help with household chores.
So how do I make him feel my pain with this? If I nag he gets angry and he takes forever to brush and bath and the kids get to bed way past their bedtime- and I lose- and I feel that pain- and he knows it.
He also just ups and leaves if he gets very mad when we argue. I finally- finally- figured out how to combat that one. I told him last weekend that if he left I would stick the four kids in a drop-off daycare that would cost us over $200. And the other day I told him I needed a break and he got mad and was going to leave but I got in the car first and left him. So stupid and crazy, but I dont’ know how to live without resenting this self-centered man.
Lisa, I’m so sorry! And what really concerns me here is that he seems to have no relationship with his children–if it were only you who was getting the short end of the stick, you could decide to suck it up. But you can’t suck it up when it’s not just you–it’s your kids and they need him, too.
Is there any way to make plans every weekend to do something as a family? Or to talk to him about what he wants for a relationship with his kids? Because that isn’t going to magically happen.
I’m so sorry you’re so lonely, and I’m sorry he’s ignoring your kids. That’s so tough!
I’m really struggling right now. My husband is not a believer. I was a Prodigal child for years, even when we married, and decided to get back into church when my daughter was in preschool. My husband considers himself old fashioned I guess, he works, and I do everything else. He won’t attend church with us, he is very negative and complains about everything, and verbally abuses us. He gets paid under the table, so he keeps over half of “his” money and gives me just barely enough to pay the bills. I also have an income but it’s just not enough. I feel like we struggle and do without as a family while he denies himself nothing, because he “earns” it. I have been a doormat for years, and I see it affecting our children. I am very close to leaving. I accept my responsibility in choosing so poorly, and my kids love their father dearly, but I’m not really sure that I do anymore. I’ve just had enough.
How does this post relate to emotional abuse and disrespect. It’s not in my control what my husband does. He gets angry and swears at me in front of our son all the time. He throws things and yells when he’s angry. He gets angry about nothing and blames me for everything. I have left for two days at one point because he swore at my and called me some rude names because he was angry for me calling him out for irresponsible spending (which is another chronic issue, he’s very irresponsible with finances). He just treats me like a lesser person and excepts me to take care of everything. I don’t know what else to say. I just don’t understand. It’s not up to me how my husband treats me. I can’t force him to be nice to me or stop him from swearing or yelling when he’s angry. Any suggestions?
Hi Joy,
You’re absolutely right–it isn’t up to you how your husband treats you, and i’m so sorry that he yells and swears at you and your son. That’s unacceptable.
But that’s the thing–it is unacceptable, which means you don’t have to accept it. You can tell him that when he yells and swears, you will leave the room, or even leave the house (or you will call some friends to ask him to leave). You can tell him that if this becomes a pattern, you will move out. You can tell him that unless he gets counselling for his anger, you will move out. Or there are likely things you can do that aren’t as drastic–change bedrooms until he deals with his anger; talk to another mentor couple that he respects and ask them to come over; etc. I wouldn’t do any of these things if it would make him physically dangerous, though).
For the finances, you could set up separate bank accounts and scrimp and save like crazy and create a nest egg. You could have a mentor support you in asking to take away his credit cards.
In other words, you could do things and set boundaries yourself. There are certain things, for instance, that you are just not willing to tolerate.
Does that make sense? It sounds like you do need some support around you, though, that will help you through this. And I would definitely not try anything if he throws things and gets violent; in that case, it may be best to move out and separate yourself. But this is dangerous, and while you can’t change him, you can change what you will accept and how you will react. Does that make sense?
Sheila, thank you so much for your response. Yes that does make sense. I have both of my parents support, but they are divorced and not sure what I should do either. My husband are currently living with my father in the basement (since we can’t afford out own place). So that also complicates things a little because I’m not gonna leave since it’s my dad’s house. I can go to my mom’s for like a day or two but that’s it. My dad however does know what’s going on and said he will definitely tell Lucas that he needs to leave if that’s what I want. Both my parents and several of my friends have told me I need to get out until something changes. I think what I’m most afraid of is that he won’t fight for me. Like that if he has to leave that will just be the end of it and our relationship will be over. And if we were to divorce ever I would make sure he doesn’t have any custody of our son because I certainly do not trust him to take care of our baby. I’m also feeling kinda lost because nothing’s happening right now. Like it makes sense emotionally to call for separation right after a fight, but right now we are just basically like nothing. I mean we don’t really communicate much at all so there’s basically just nothing going on right now. So anyways, I feel like realistically I should ask him to move out until he can prove that he can be responsible and get help with his anger, but I also know that that situation would really anger him and I’m afraid he would just leave, like forever. But besides what I’m afraid of, practically I don’t know how to make things pan out. As far as a different bedroom, I have tried that in the past but he just ended up coming in and guilt tripping me into coming back into the room. Plus I don’t feel safe around him when he’s angry. And he’s broken down a door to a bathroom I went into to get away from him once so I know he’s capable of alot when he’s angry.
*heavy sigh* Again another article that puts the woman being responsible for fixing the marriage instead of expecting men to use the two eyes and two ears and “pair” God gave him. And the article linked by that man, really ticked me off. I am so sick and tired of hearing “well it’s your fault you married him”. I never hear that being said to men.
I’m curious–did you read the article? Because what I was saying is that sometimes the way you bring change is by saying, “I will no longer tolerate this anymore.” What, in that, is being hard on the woman?
I’m needing to start establishing boundaries but I have no idea where to begin. What boundaries are there for getting home late from work, going out to do chores and projects outside until bedtime, and seeing himself as an optional help around the house and with kids, rather than an equal team member in parenting and keeping up with endless duties around the house (we have 5 kids and I home school, and the oldest is 9)? I’ve realized I need to stop allowing all his hobbies, but how do I do that?? I just need some ideas and suggestions please. I’ve suggested hiring a helper for me, and he always brings up the financial burden of that. He’s a good guy, but he’s the only one in his world, and I’m tired of asking to be noticed and considered and loved, and I’ve realized he’s not changing or going to change unless something else changes.
That’s so hard, Kyra! I’m sorry. I think sitting down and talking to him about all that you do, and how you simply cannot do it anymore. Have you looked through the emotional labor/mental load series in June 2020? You can start that series here. I think reading that and then talking to him is a good start.
And if he just won’t budge, then you may need to take some time to yourself anyway. Just tell him, “I’m going out on Tuesdays at 5 pm, nad I won’t be back until 9:30. You’ll be responsible for getting dinner and putting the kids in bed.” Or something like that. Because you do need time to yourself as well. And if you need it, sometimes you have to just take it.