Okay, ladies, if you’re stuck, wondering how to be romantic–or if you don’t feel the need to be romantic at all, since that’s the man’s job–I’ve got some words for you today!
Every Monday I like to take a reader question and tackle it, and today’s is from a man who is married to a romance-challenged woman. He writes:
We’ve been married for a decade, but my wife makes it seem like romance and sex are always chores. I love my wife. I really do, but what is the reaction supposed to be when the guy always has to initiate everything affectionate? She hasn’t came up and kissed me for any reason in 12 years. I can never do anything right in her eyes, and sometimes she’ll go for months without having sex! All I ever wanted was a woman the would love me and be with and care about me. I wanted romance, the flowers, the candlelight dinner for two. The trip to nowhere to just get lost in each others touch. But what I get is “you’re fat” (because I gained 40 pounds) or conversations about how hot John Legend is. Where are my “I love yous”? Where are my hugs?
Wow, that’s a tough one. And there could be many things happening in this particular situation–often women stop kissing, for instance, because they feel like if they do it has to lead somewhere, and they’re not sure they want it to. There are likely some underlying factors going on here, and the couple has seen a counselor, apparently, but to no avail.
My recommendation when you feel like you’re really drifting apart and you’re not connecting is always to work on your friendship first. Find ways to have fun together and just to talk, and then you bring the tension down in the relationship so that you’re able to tackle bigger problems. Read the posts linked here for much longer ideas in those veins, which would likely be helpful for this husband. And if your wife never wants sex, here‘s a post you can show her.
But today I want to take a broader issue and run with it, because Valentine’s Day is coming up now in less than a week, and sometimes we women are rather relationship challenged, and don’t know how to be romantic. We think it’s only HIM who needs to be romantic, and that we can sit back and wait to be wooed.
Not true! We’re supposed to be doing some serious wooing ourselves. So today, here’s a pep talk for women who are lousy at romance–and some lessons on how to be romantic for YOUR man.
How to Be Romantic: For Women!
Let’s take a step back and define what romance is. It isn’t just flowers and candlelight. It’s so much more.
Romance says: I don’t just want to be with you for sex. I don’t just want you for what you can do for me. I care deeply about you, as a person. That’s why romance, to work, must be uniquely personalized to the object of affection. Romance says, “I notice you. I care about you. I want you to be with you–not just for sex, but for you.” And so romance isn’t just an art; it’s a discipline as we study our beloved, learn how they tick, and then woo them.
Every time you study your husband and learn how he ticks, and then reach out to him using things that he likes, you’re being romantic!
Learn How Your Husband Ticks
I’ve seen all of these crafts on Pinterest that you can do for your husband at Valentine’s Day. Origami you can cut out; words you can stencil; hearts you can create. And I wonder to myself: how many men will actually appreciate that?
Maybe some will, and effort is always a good thing.
But effort is so much better if it’s put into learning what your husband is actually motivated by, and then doing those things.
Putting a playlist of love songs together with his favorite bands; buying a collection of beef jerky rather than a box of chocolates; decorating with sports memorabilia of a team you saw on one of your first dates rather than candlelight. I can’t give you a long list of things that may work because that’s exactly the point: it has to be about YOUR husband. Mine would like hot chocolate in a thermos, walking hand in hand at dawn to go birdwatching, even if it’s cold. But yours probably wouldn’t (and perhaps you should be grateful you can stay warm!)
We’re told that romance must be flowers and candlelight and chocolates, and that certainly can set the mood. Those things say,
I want this experience to be special, and not only about us having sex. It’s about us experiencing everything together.
But for him, what’s really romantic may be something entirely different. It’s you figuring out what he loves, and then trying to enter into that world, too.
Say Nice Things About His Physique–and Say Nothing About Anyone Else’s
Guys need to hear that they’re good looking, too! It isn’t just women who need that encouragement. So tell your husband what you find attractive about him–his beard, his hands, his muscles, whatever. I know sometimes it’s hard to be attracted to your husband at all, but largely this is a decision that you must make.
And that means stop looking at other guys! And even if you do look or see occasionally, do not advertise it. Do not tell him. Do not tell others. Take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5), and when those thoughts enter your brain, dismiss them. Right away.
Thank Him for Things
You know what’s romantic to a guy? Knowing that his wife appreciates what he does. So one of the most romantic things you can do is to thank him for things that he does. Make it a habit, every day, to thank him for at least one thing. Especially if the tension is high in your relationship, this helps to ratchet it down considerably.
Remember, if romance is noticing somebody and reaching out, then thanking someone is a huge part of romance!
Regularly Encourage Him
Along those lines, establish a routine to regularly encourage him. Maybe you text him something encouraging everyday. Maybe you send him a note in his lunch, or pray for him every night before you go to bed.
Here’s how encouragement works:
- Thank him for something
- Tell him something you’ve noticed–“I saw how you tried not to lose your patience with your boss on the phone today. Way to go!”
- Tell him you believe in him, that he’s going in the right direction.
Do those three things, and you’ll have a husband who feels ten feet tall!
Flirt with Your Husband
Here’s a secret about gratitude and encouragement: the more we thank him and encourage him, the more we’ll be noticing good things about him. And that means we’ll be thinking about those good things more frequently, rather than thinking about the bad things. And that change of thought patterns will help us feel much more affectionate!
So now you can start flirting with your husband. I’ve got 16 awesome ideas to flirt here.
Be Affectionate–Keep Kissing!
You’ve started to flirt, so you’re laughing a little bit more. Now add some kissing to the mix! Marriage needs kissing. Want to make him feel like you are pursuing him? Kiss him for 10-15 seconds every night, when you’re both together after work. Try it for a week, and see how it changes your relationship.
Touch Him More
Humans were created to crave physical touch. Some of us aren’t touchy people, but even if you don’t like touch in general, with your husband, try to make it a regular occurrence. When you’re sitting beside him on the couch, put your hand on his leg. When he walks by you, pat his butt!
Make Love to Him
And here’s the culmination of everything: put a priority on making love in your marriage. That’s the ultimate way to say to a guy, “I notice you. I admire you. I want you to know that I want to share this experience with you.”
Guys know that for a woman to actually enjoy making love she has to be mentally into it. She has to decide, “I want to be deeply intimate with my husband right now.” They know the difference between us “letting” him and us being an enthusiastic participant. Again, it’s that mental switch that says, “I am going to enjoy my husband tonight!”
And if you don’t know where to start, check out 31 Days to Great Sex, a 31-day challenge you do with your husband to help you talk more about sex, flirt more, and spice things up. You’ll learn how to enjoy sex a lot more, too! It’s a low key way to get your love life back on track. Learn more here.
Think About This: Do you want a love story? Then make one!
Do these steps, in this order, and the making love one will come more naturally. As you start to study him; as you thank him more and look for things to encourage in him; as you flirt more, kiss more, touch more, you’ll naturally raise your own desire levels for your husband. You’ll feel more connected.
That’s how our brains work. The things that we choose to focus on become the things that we actively think about. If you want to change your marriage, then change the way you think about your husband!
Instead of focusing on what you don’t have (maybe he’s gained 40 pounds, or he isn’t that romantic), focus on what you do have. And think about it this way: If you want a love story, your best chance to get it is with the man you’re with. So don’t sit back and wait for him to completely change. Become the romantic wife you were meant to be. Create your own love story, and you just may find that learning how to be romantic is actually a fun experience.
Do you struggle with how to be romantic? Let me know in the comments!
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I can really feel for this guy. I don’t mean to stir up some feathers but in some cases it feels like if a man has these problems with his wife and she doesn’t want to have anything to do with him the reaction he gets is “get over it”. But if a woman has a husband like that the reaction is “there must be something wrong with him he should see a doctor”. My wife is a lot like that, maybe not as bad, just the sex part. I know she has some health issues and stuff (right now she is in the hospital). But she can go on trips and go shopping and do all kinds of other stuff but not have sex. For many men, not all, we connect love with sex, it may not be right but we do. But for many men sex is a BIG part of the relationship. Yes we have different priorities because we are not women. I’m just saying we are different. So when our wife cut us off for some unknown reason we don’t know where to put ourselves. We start to question if its something we said, or did, or how we look, or if she is seeing someone else, jealousy sets in and once that through is there. Then there is a trust issue. i am sure you ladies feel the same way. So why do men and women do this to each other. Sex is not a weapon you can use against your spouse. And if you do then you are wrong for doing that.
I’d agree, Matt. Sex should never be used as a weapon. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this.
Thank you Sheila for your response. Right now I have so much other things to worry about, the main thing is for my wife to get well enough to get out of the hospital so that I can bring her home. She had to have a abscess removed that was causing her to get sick, beginning of sepsis or blood poisoning if you will. Plus she is diabetic so she is at a wound care facility healing up. Last week she kept throwing up and she was so weak I had to call an ambulance to pick her up. So please pray for her for her healing if you don’t mind.
This is me — I have kept sex (and most physical acts) from my husband for some time, and I don’t know why. We’ve been married over 10 years and I haven’t treated him the way he deserves to be treated. I stumbled across this website and it has helped me immensely. I love the ideas that are given, and I will be trying the suggestions in this post. Most of all though, it has helped to see things from another point of view, like the comment above. I just never realized the importance of physical touch (in all regards) since that’s not my love language.
I pray that my husband and I can work through this “season” and have a really great marriage, better than it’s ever been. He has noticed my changes, but fears they are temporary and is struggling to find love for me again. I don’t know why it took getting to this low place in our marriage for me to wake up. I feel terrible for how I’ve treated him and hope that the changes I’ve made are permanent, and, if we do make it through this, that I don’t get comfortable again and go back to how it was. I keep fighting everyday, but I fear that this is too little, too late. I know he needs to make the decision to love again, I just wish there was something I could do to make it all better right away. I have to remember that we didn’t get here overnight, so we won’t get out of it overnight, either.
You have to live your life moment by moment. God put you and your husband together to be one flesh. Everyone walks through the valley of death sometimes. Keep praying to God to help you through this and and for your husband. And the most important thing. Trust God. Trust that he is in control of your life. That he is the ultimate authority.
Matt, I am so sorry you are going through this. What a tough way to spend your marriage! I was wondering if I could offer one piece of advice? I do not know you at all and you might very well a ready be doing this, but I thought since you took the time to comment, I would reply. 🙂 I have had a lot of health and pain issues for most of my marriage. I know it has been SO hard on my husband. And there have been many times when he thought I was totally fine, but after sex, I turned my back to him and cried myself to sleep because it hurt so much. I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Luckily, it’s getting better, and I am learning to be more honest. But if sex is hurting her, or has hurt her, she is going to have a hard time getting excited. Just from personal experience, there are different muscles used in walking then in sex, so please don’t take it personally that she has energy for other things. Again, I don’t know you or her, and there might be a lot going on, but my suggestion to you is this: next time you have sex, go very, veeeeery slowly. A key I have learned is that I need to be completely relaxed before any fun can begin, and if I’m worried about pain, that takes a long time. That might mean your wife takes a long bath, then you give her a long back rub, and then the fun begins slowly. When my husband does that, it makes the experience much better for me, and next time it is SO much easier for me to be interested and excited. My body doesn’t automatically connect sex with pain. If pain is the issue, this might help. If not, perhaps it might be time for couples therapy, if that’s something you’re both willing to try. We did, and it really helped to have a third person to help us process a few things. Once again, sorry if this is frustrating unsolicited advice, but I thought I’d share the other side of the coin. Taking things very slowly (and a few sessions of couples therapy) has made a big difference for us. Good luck!!
Dear Anonymous, it feels like i’m starting a Dear Abby letter. You are right and your points is well noted. But in my case its reversed, while i want to take my time she wants to rush “to get it over with” whenever she feels like it and we have started to use lubricants since she had an hysterectomy a few years ago but still. I have concluded that our sex life will never be the way it was and that’s fine. I realize that I was put here for a reason and that to be there for her in her illness and pain. Though it is frustrating in many ways there is nothing I can do about it. I guess my biggest issue is that she doesn’t want to talk about it and if I bring it up its “is that all you think about”. And then she cries sometimes thinking that I will walk out on her because of it. So I have basically stopped talking to her about it.
I agree with the entire response to this dear man’s struggle. Thanks, Sheila for always being on target! I love everything you post. They always encourage me to step up in my marriage and your tips are awesome every time. God is truly using you in mighty ways!
I just wanted to add a comment to this, though. I realize each time someone posts, we are only getting that person’s side of the situation. Early in my own marriage, I became a lot like this wife (I wasn’t insulting or verbally discouraging), but I tried to avoid romance and physical interaction. However, my husband was physically and verbally abusing me. Without going into detail, it was a living hell. It did make me physically turned off by him. The thought of him touching me or kissing me (much less physical intimacy) terrified me. I didn’t initiate, but I never denied him because I was a believer, but it felt like rape each time. I was also forced to do things I found distasteful. The though of romance and kissing with this man, etc. was far from my mind and made me nauseous. So, when I read things like this, it makes me wonder what part the man may be playing. (BTW- my husband got pastoral help and has grown a lot, I still have trouble with intimacy, but we are working on that. The tips you posted today are helpful to me now, but probably would not have been back then). So, what could be said to a woman in this type of situation?
That’s a great question, and I think for a woman in that situation I would point her to this post on Emotionally Destructive Marriages. And I’m so glad that you’re growing in your marriage! That’s wonderful.
There’ll be no lovemaking this weekend. Dang Mother Nature :/