How does a guy make it up to his wife if he’s used porn?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s a sad story from a relative newlywed who confessed to his wife that he used porn. Now she’s devastated, he’s broken, and he’s wondering what to do about it.
He writes:
I grew up Catholic, but in college drifted away from my marriage. In college I also met my now-wife, who is the best person I know. We married a little more than a year ago and now go to [an evangelical] church. She has made me such a better person just by being my wife.In my early teens I was exposed to some dirty magazines. This grew throughout high school and in college I began to look at porn on the internet. It was entrenched in me that this was normal, that all the guys I knew did it, that it was somehow not as bad as it was. It was a release for me. I didn’t look at it as cheating. I never thought once of how it would make [my wife] feel which probably was my biggest problem.I knew once we got engaged that I would need to give it up, but since we were also saving ourselves for the wedding night it became difficult. Once married I knew it was wrong, but I would occasionally just look at porn and not masturbate so I thought I was tons better than before. My wife and I since have struggled a little bit on our intimacy issues and in our latest conversation, I felt a need to confess to her my secret. She is hurt, feels betrayed, and as if I was cheating on her.I never looked at my bad habit as cheating. I never once even pondered the idea of finding someone to be either physically or emotionally connected to besides her. My wife says she is in the process of forgiving me now and she has been 10x more gracious than I ever could be. I just don’t know what to do with all this shame and guilt I am feeling. She now is questioning every time an attractive woman comes on the T.V. screen if I am fantasizing about her and questioning if she is enough for me. I don’t want to hurt her any more, but I feel so guilty that I keep bringing up how sorry I am and she says that doesn’t help her recovery. I am struggling to eat and or work because I am so upset with myself.
1.) How can I help my wife? She says she doesn’t want to bring it up again because the more we bring it up the harder it is to get over.2.) I feel so terribly guilty I can’t do anything. I can’t eat, I can’t concentrate. I never thought of this as cheating and now I can’t get over the fact that it might be just like cheating. I am so disgusted with myself.Could you please give me any advice you might have I am desperate?
Wow. What a story.
(Side note: most of the questions that I publish on this blog are about this long, but I edit them WAAAAAY down so that it’s just the essence. This one I left mostly as is, because I really thought it would help so many wives whose husbands have just confessed they used porn to hear the heart of another guy in the same situation.)
Okay. Lots to say. So here’s my plan: I’m going to give three quick thoughts, and then I’d really like to open this one up to comments and ask the rest of you what you think, because many of you probably have some ideas for this guy! So here goes.
1. Feel Guilty about Porn? Understand Grace. Seriously.
You know what is so cool about this letter? This guy GETS how serious porn is. And he feels so much remorse for what he has done! That is so amazing, because when most of us do something wrong we deflect blame, or we minimize what we actually do.
He doesn’t minimize it. In fact, he’s beating himself about it so badly he’s not eating.
The fact that he doesn’t minimize it is great. The fact that he takes responsibility is great.
But now the greatness ends, because he’s in this downward spiral where he’s just blaming himself and hating himself.
Realizing the reality of your sin is the first necessary step in finding freedom. But it’s only step #1. Now we need step #2. And for that, let’s just revisit the story of the Prodigal Son found in Luke 15.
The prodigal son walks all the way home, practising what he’s going to say to his father. “I have sinned against heaven and against you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make my like one of your hired hands.”
I can hear this husband saying the same thing: “I’m no longer worthy to be called your husband.”
He gets it.
But then the Father does something amazing. He stops the son mid-speech (he doesn’t even allow him to say that part about being the hired hand), and he puts that robe and ring and sandals on his son and holds a party. He redeems him.
The redemption couldn’t have taken place if the son hadn’t admitted his guilt. But it also couldn’t have taken place if the son hadn’t have let the Father dress him.
He accepted the Father’s view of who he was rather than his own view.
I normally don’t tell people to rush to grace first, because I don’t think that we can rush healing. We have to feel the reality of what we’ve done before we ask for forgiveness, and sometimes in Christian circles we’re too rushed to say, “you need to forgive!” Or “Jesus loves you anyway!”, and we don’t stress enough that Jesus wants changed hearts.
But this guy gets it. So now he needs to get the rest of it: Jesus already paid for your sin. Jesus is not in the guilt business but in the salvation business. Two verses for you:
Godly sorrow leads to repentance that brings salvation and leaves no regret, but wordly sorrow brings death. (2 Corinthians 8:10)
For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. (John 3:17)
Jesus paid for it. Accept that. Let it go.
2. Changed Behaviour Speaks Louder than Guilt Over Porn
Feel guilty over the porn? Okay. But I think what your wife really wants is to see that you’re serious about doing something about it. She doesn’t want to see that you’re focused on the past. She wants to know that you’re committed to doing things differently in the future.
Sure, most women need to see that their husbands understand their hurt. But that’s not all they need, and in fact, it can make it worse if all you do is revisit that hurt.
What your wife needs to know is not just that you hurt now; but that you won’t hurt her again.
She wants to know that you’re thinking, “I want to protect you now.” Ironically, if you stay mired in guilt about what you did to her, then you’re still making it about you, and not about her. Move forward and make it about her needs.
So if she starts to question about whether you’re fantasizing about a woman on TV, you say,
I am so, so sorry you need to ask that. But I want you to rest assured that I have an accountability partner now, that I have filters on my phone, that you can look at this stuff any time, and you don’t have to worry. I want you to feel safe, because you’re the only one I love, and I never want you to feel unsafe again.
She needs safety. So instead of reassuring her of your guilt, reassure her of her safety.
3. Rebuild Trust Through Accountability
It’s much easier to reassure her of that if you humble yourself and take steps to show her you’re serious about this not happening again. Step one: Get a filter on your phone, devices and computers, or an accountability system (or both!) Covenant Eyes has a really great one, and here’s how it works: everyone in your family can get assigned an account. You can use filtering so that different family members can be allowed on different levels of sites. A 6-year-old will only be able to access a few sites, a 13-year-old more, and an adult more.
Alternatively, you can choose not to use filtering, but you can use accountability, where if you try to access a site you shouldn’t, an accountability partner will get an email. It helps prevent the temptation to look at porn if you know someone will catch you.
So get an accountability partner who is NOT your wife (a brother, someone from your church, a friend). Get the system on your devices. (and if you click through with my link you get one month trial, free!)
And then one more thing: give all of your passwords to your wife–your login for Facebook, access to your phone, everything. She has to know there are no secrets, and that she can pick up anything and look any time she wants to.
(Note: if your husband refuses to let you see his phone or computer, that’s a huge red flag in marriage).
I’ve got some other advice on how to rebuild trust after you’ve blown it in this post, too.
But now I’d love to know from the rest of you: what would YOU need your husband to do? Let me know in the comments, and let’s help this marriage (and others like it!)
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I kind of see a bit where he’s coming from…. In the not cheating aspect
My husband is 33 and the last several years have wreaked havoc on me emotionally due to him not wanting sex. (No, it wasn’t porn or an affair… He is a workaholic.) Now that he can’t work as much, he wants me but in the last few years of all that rejection, I’ve turned to porn. Just because it doesn’t make me feel as lonely. Like there’s men out there who want their wives. And yes, I know i know it’s not realistic in the least and it can’t please God. But I never thought of it as cheating. I asked him how he felt about it, and he thinks I should just deal with his lower drive. Which one would think would be the Christ like thing to do. But let’s be real… I’m not feeling very Christ like. I waited my whole life for Christian husband who destroyed my self esteem and confidence and life in a few short months. My entire personality has changed.
Watching porn will certainly not make you feel very Christ-like. In fact, it will drive a wedge between you and Christ. Sin distances us from God, and the most lonely thing I have experienced was being lonely in a physical sense of not having anyone I could be close too, and in the spiritual sense of not having God to turn too. Of the two, the latter was definitely more painful.
We as humans long towards one another as a means to meet our needs. But as we are all desperately flawed people, it is just not possible for us to do that for one another. We can have a great relationship at best, but it will never be perfect. You will never have a husband that can meet or satisfy your every need. Only God can do that. Only He can make you feel loved, validated, and cherished in a truly heart satisfying way.
I know that you are using porn because you are hurting so badly, but I would say that you are actually cutting yourself deeper by watching it. Sexual contact alone is not intimacy. Porn shows sexual contact, which can give a temporary high to those watching it, but it is a poor imitation of intimacy. It also comes with the added danger of needing it more and more, and it does tend to escalate.
Has your husband always had a low sex drive or is this something new? Could he have low testosterone? Do you think you may have marital problems that also cause distance? I know it hurts even more when he seems so wholly unconcerned about meeting your needs. Maybe you should seek a marital counselor to help the both of you understand one another.
There IS hope. Believe that. Please cry out to God when you feel so torn apart. His love is an everlasting love, with full knowledge of who you are, what you’ve done, your deepest hurts, your greatest fears, and your most soul churning longings. To seek Him, to love Him, that is the greatest intimacy possible. He does not reject those who seek Him. His banner over us is love. Pure love.
Great answer, Logan! Thank you.
All those things are very true Logan but what’s the solution? To love God more? My husband has always had a very low drive… But he refuses any counseling or testing. I went to counseling for several months but always left with the conclusion to pray that he gets right with God and yes I had these needs but they would remain unfulfilled until my husband got right with God. Yay! My husband gets to do whatever he wants and I’m supposed to just wait and pray and love God more. It’s what every girl dreams of. Sorry for being so cynical. God is very strange. What an I supposed to teach my son about sex and relationships? That if he remains pure and loves God, then what? His marriage and life will be awesome? Or at least tolerable? I wish now, I wouldn’t have waited. I wish a lot of things. I wish I could love God more. But does He even exist? The Bible is starting to feel more and more like a trap. You do what it says and you get screwed.
If all you got from the counselor was pray more, please consider a different counselor. While it is true that we can’t change someone else’s behavior, it is also true that we should be able to discuss our feelings about their behavior with them. I’m sorry that you are stuck. I’m in the opposite side of a similar pattern. I have the low drive and it has been a huge combination of things: undiagnosed hormone imbalance, fear from near death births, abuse in my past, his porn issue, exhaustion of parenting and life. My husband and I have both been in separate counseling over the past six months and it has had wonderful effects. We both did emdr therapy and God showed up each week for me. God has been the one to meet my needs. And he is meeting my husbands needs. And as a result, we are able to meet in the middle. I have never known God to say your needs don’t matter. He had asked me wait sometimes because he was working on something in me that turned out better than what I thought I wanted. But he will always provide comfort through pain. Please don’t give up on him. He does want to meet your needs. He loves you so much. He also wants to bring us into a strong relationship with him first and foremost. He doesn’t mind if you question him. He wants your honesty. And he is big enough to take it. Please consider a different counselor who will guide you to true healing with God.
Very true, Gwen! So great to hear your story of growth, too, and how God is using a counselor to help you.
At one point in my life I could have been crowned the greatest religious cynic out there. All I can say is really this, the greater your sin, the greater the darkness will be in your life. The more alone you will be, the more bitter you will become, the more pain you will feel. If you seek out sex beyond your husband, you will feel pain. If you had pre-marital sex (which I did btw) you would still feel pain. There is nothing quite like knowing that man you love and have given yourself too, doesn’t love you enough to marry you. That hurts. Using people and being used by people hurts.
The pat answer is yes, to love God more. But the real answer is to get outside of your head for a bit. I believe that the darkness you feel really acts as a blinder to what is really going on in your life. I don’t think it is merely sex you want. I think it is intimacy. Inches of penetration cannot take away all the pain you feel. It may be fun for a moment, but when it is over you will still be needing something more to make you feel better. You want validation, you want to be thought beautiful and to be physically desired. You want to feel closeness with another human being. You want to be understood, and to be thought wonderful.
The really hard truth is this. To live is to suffer. To be Christ-like is to suffer. There is just no way to escape feeling hurt one way or the other. That is a truth we all have to accept. But what Christ offers is not needless suffering, it is glory. It is suffering that turns to meaning, to love, to joy. Actual joy. And here is the catch…It is impossible to love Christ, without Christ first reaching out to us in love. We can only reciprocate His love, we cannot originate it. If we see Christianity as a relationship, then Christ is courting us, and we do our part (by the power of the Spirit) to pursue the relationship. We hang out, we pour out our hearts to one another, we ditch responsibilities to be with the one we love, we find out all we can about our lover with the aim of pleasing. That is how we can also pursue the relationship with Christ. We hang out with him. We talk to him. We let him know how much we need him, how much we need love, how badly we hurt, and we also learn about him, through reading his love letters to us. That is how we start to build intimacy with Christ. Somehow through that, Christ woos us. I cannot really explain it well. I found that when I sought him, through desperation, that somehow he was there. Somehow my heart melted, and I could see through the darkness, through my sin, to his desperate, passionate, all-consuming love for me.
I cannot tell you how to fix your man. Only God can fix him. I can tell you that it has to start with you. It has to start with you letting go of the pain and the hopelessness and losing yourself in the only one who can change your heart. Taste and see. You cannot change your husband, but you can let Christ change you. When you do, you don’t hurt like you are now. You have someone who loves you, whose goodness to you proves it day by day, moment by moment. Are you healthy, with all your basic needs met? That is the goodness of God. Your son that you love, that is the goodness of God.
I think, and Shelia has touched on this elsewhere, that Christianity has done a disservice in certain church cultures by acting as if marriage is awesome and sex is so easy and wonderful and once you give yourself to your husband on your wedding night it will be rainbows and butterflies from then on out because you’ve honored God. Though, I think they make it more about culture than about honoring God. The truth is that God does have a standard of what is best for us, but that life and our selfishness often gets in the way. That is just a result of the fall. But when we are changed from the inside out, we see the standards differently. We see the ones that hurts us differently. I think you can teach your son that sex is not the end all, and that you know from experience that it cannot satisfy. Only God can satisfy us. To go our own way is to bring hurt on ourselves. If your son has a deep relationship with God, he will find that nothing else compares. He will be jealous to be faithful to the one that loves him more than any woman ever could.
I will pray for you. That God will move in your heart, and help you to see him, and all that he is, and all that he longs to be for you. This deep longing to be loved and known, I think God feels that way about us. To the point he has suffered agony and death in the hope of us loving him back. There are no easy answers I am afraid. I think you have to turn the lens inward though, to your own heart, not that of your husband.
If you can, listen to this please. It has helped me in my darkness.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-Nbt8lCJrk
If you like that one, this one is good to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM
Wow, what a beautiful and powerful post. God really spoke through you Logan. Thank you for sharing that.
This problem appears to have become a spiritual problem which has more serious repercussions than the lack of sex. One could ask was he following God when you got married? It is quite normal for one partner to have a higher sex drive. If he followed God he would know that he does not have power over his own body. You do and vice versa. I would say that I have a higher sex drive than my wife but she always responds. I make a special effort to excite her in the way that she likes which comes from knowing her more ad more over the years. Refusal is not on the cards for a christian marriage unless things are desired which one is uncomfortable with and even then one should try and be open to the things which arouse the other.
Joanna – I’m the guy in the relationship that that got ignored and cast aside for my wife’s desires and my codependent attitude enabled my needs not to be met for 20 years. Not only that, but along the way my spirit and self esteem was crushed. I’m not going to preach at you like the others as they don’t understand the hurt, pain, anger, resentment, and shame.
If you think you want to change, which it seems you do, read Patrick Carnes book “Out of the Shadows” and the companion work book. See a therapist that is a CSAT to talk about your issues and get into a group. I was addicted for 30 years and the last 5 years had multiple partners, and I have used those resources to be sober for 4 months.
In the end, if you husband won’t change to meet your needs, and you have done the work to get your self out of your addiction, then get a divorce. Life is to short to live in an emotional abusive, sexually unfulfilled relationship.
Hey, I feel for the guy. My husband struggled with porn before we got married too. He did tell me about before we even got engaged tho.
My advice to the wife is to recognize that that was the past. It’s you he married. You he loves. The porn issue may come up again and you gotta let your love for your husband conquer this thing. It’s not easy for him either.
Husband: do what my hubby does. I have honestly never felt threatened by another woman be she real or fictional because my guy does one simple thing. If he sees a girl he thinks is pretty he always says, ‘She’s pretty but…. Her eyes are too close, her nose is too big, her whatever is just not like you’ and he finishes up the one flaw he sees in the other person by turning to me and going, ‘but you are perfect for me, you are gorgeous, I love you.’
Let me tell you, I don’t have high self esteem but it has been way better for me in my marriage cause he just naturally has always done this. Of course we will never match up to Hollywood ladies. They have personal trainers, workout regimens, photographers with fabulous airbrush equipment and makeup artists. Look at the tabloids, the pictures of these ladies on vacation where they weren’t perfectly posed. They are just women. And most of them are lost women. We should be praying for them, not envying them and wondering if our husbands think they’re hot. Truth is most of those women are hot and God made man visual! So let it go, he may look but he will point out the flaws and the biggest flaw of all is that she is not you!
I love that your husband does that! That’s great.
I would love to commend the wife for not wanting to constantly condemn this man for his sin. She is probably seeing that he is busy persecuting himself. What I want to say to this guy is that guilt can actually cause him to return to the porn. Guilt is not from God. We get convicted, then we confess and repent (turn from our sin). If guilt is not squashed, it will be the very tool (right from the enemy’s tool box) to drive him back to the comfort of porn.
As a counselor, I feel as though they both need someone to talk to individually and then possibly together. My concern for the wife is that she could be stuffing her feelings down without processing them properly out of concern for her husband. When feelings and hurts are buried, they are buried alive and will eventually manifest themselves. I hope that she is working through this betrayal in a healthy manner and will be able to walk in total trust and healing with the Lord.
They have come to the right website for healing and great advice. Thanks again, Sheila for what you do for the Kingdom each and every day!
I agree with you, Donna, that they both need to see a counselor individually and then together. However, this counselor needs to give advice that is in line with the Bible and not the modern western view of marriage.
Great thoughts, Donna! Totally agree about the guilt. I hope they both seek out some help.
This is tough, and I feel the pain of the writer. First, it is important to understand that regret and shame can be healthy when they lead us to repentance. Asking God for His forgiveness and requesting aid to help you overcome this thing is the first major step. The second though, is in recognizing that once you have repented, it is forgiven. This overwhelming sense of shame can be spiritually crippling if you allow it to continue, primarily because, Satan our accuser, has a favorite tactic of throwing things back at us, weeks, months, even years later. This can lead us to doubt the fullness of God’s grace to completely forgive, pardon, and restore. Christ has already atoned for the believers EVERY sin, and when God looks at us, He sees the goodness and purity of Jesus, which covers ALL of our sins. I bear in mind this verse from an old hymn when I am faced with the dreadful guilt of past sins,
When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me.
Your wife is trying to forgive you, so the best thing you can do for her now is pray that God will help her to do just that. Pray that God would soften her heart towards you and lead her toward mercy for what you did. Pray that God would help you to show your wife that she is your treasure, as we are Christ’s treasure. Pray that God would change your attitudes and your desires. The root of all our sin comes from us trying to get satisfaction beyond the things God approves of, beyond God himself. We want comfort, peace, pleasure, any number of things and we attempt to get them in illicit ways. Since your porn watching is a carry-over from your former days, it is important for your wife to recognize that SHE IS NOT THE PROBLEM, SIN IS. Only God can really show her this. You will probably have to have some more awkward conversations about this as you give her your passwords and limit your online use. Try to do small things every day that show her you love her. She is in a very insecure place right now, wondering if you think a woman is prettier, has a better body, if you settled for what you could get when you really wanted something more like what was on the screen, etc. Really control your eyes. Stay away from shows or films that have any nudity or forms of nudity at all. Also, to deal with porn tempting you, you really have to dig deep to find what your triggers are. Do you watch porn when your wife is unavailable to you for whatever reason? Do you watch porn when you are bored? Do you watch porn when you are emotionally unsettled or feeling empty or confused inside? I think that there is usually more to it then simply needing to get off, if it is more compulsive for you.
You are definitely in the right place for help. This blog has helped me understand so many things and I think Shelia is a real blessing tackling the hard things. I really appreciate that this blog not only helps tackle sinful sexuality, but champions the passionate, positive, spiritually healthy sexuality that is a joy within marriage.
Wonderful!
Love your stuff! I found this blog about a year ago and check it all during the week. You have really helped my marriage! I pray that God will continue to use you and open up even more doors for you everywhere you go!
I agree. I feel that in sinning the hardest thing to do is forgive yourself. Christ teaches us that through him we can receive forgiveness of our sins if we repent and sin no more. Part of this is to forgiveing ourselves. Once we can do that the process can move forward with his wife. She wants to be to the place where she doesn’t dewll on his transgressions ether. Pray together to the Father for both of you to learn to forgive. And once you do then forget and not dwell on the past because it has been forgive and a mighty change of heart will come and help you to sin no more. Going through this is something done together and in doing so can work to build and strengthen your marriage. Satin will attack the family at every opportunity. Porn is an addiction any temptation will temp you. Like an alcoholic cannot have any alcohol or temptation of such. So must someone addicted to porn.
God is Love and he wants his children to come unto him. If we turn our hearts to him we will feel of his love.
Karen
The fact that he confessed is such a big deal. I accidentally discovered my husband’s habit while borrowing his phone…i eventually let him know what I found and somehow the conversation got turned around that he was hurt that I don’t trust him. After that we haven’t really talked about it anymore and I can’t bring myself to check up on him or ask. Still I wonder… All that to say, I know what would make a difference for me. Since his wife doesn’t want to talk about it, I don’t know if this would really apply. But I would think an open conversation and showing her you’ve implemented a plan would be a good start. More than that would be to keep the conversation open…i don’t know if it’s my place, but I would want him to feel like he can come to me about his victories and failures. I understand having a brother in Christ to be accountable to is necessary, but I would want to be in the loop.
You need to yell your husband, “No, I don’t trust you because you aren’t trustworthy.” He’s cheating on you but wants his privacy because sin needs to hide.
Yep.
It’s important that he allow God to heal him of the guilt and condemnation. If not, it could be the very thing that drives him back to the comfort of porn. As a counselor, I have seen this very thing over and over again. Usually it’s the partner who has been betrayed that is heaping on the guilt, but in this case, he is beating himself up. Guilt is the enemy’s tool. You can’t use something from his tool box and win.
Praying for this guy and his wife to be completely healed!
Apologize for posting twice on the same article thought first post did not go through.
Donna
You stated you were a counselor. In your practice do you have the offended spouse write down & then read out loud their response (anger, pain, emotions) to the offending spouse? If not I would strongly suggest you read “I Don’t Love You Anymore'” by Dr. David Clarke. Its the only resource I give that addresses when there has been a MAJOR sin (Adultery, Gambling, Drug/Alcohol abuse, etc) and how the offending spouse must write down a list of ALL sexual acting out (if sexual sin is the major sin) then after an certain time the offended spouse writes a response which includes…anger, rage, pain, emotions,etc. Too often I have found Therapist/Counselors first don’t address a major sin first before moving on to other minor issues and often w/sexual sin the offended spouse has not been given the opportunity in a safe environment to “vomit” all their pain & let the offender simple listen.
When there has been sexual betrayal in a marriage full disclosure from the offending spouse is necessary along with full disclosure of ALL the damage that has now been dealt to the offended spouse. Without these first 2 critical steps many couples leave counseling feeling like nothing was resolved & the marriage is not healed.
I too accidentally discovered my husband’s porn use when I walked in on him at 2am. We’ve come a long way, but the one thing I know would help me to trust him would be if he admitted to me that there are still moments of weakness. He says that he hasn’t been at all tempted to watch porn or fantasize about other women since the discovery. I tell him that it’s ok – I understand that it’s going to happen, after all – he’s human – but he denies it. I’m sure he doesn’t want to hurt me any more, but it’s the honesty I need more than anything to move on. I want to feel that we are a team fighting against his struggles. If he admitted those struggles, it would feel like he and I are working together to strengthen our marriage and keep the temptation away. When he denies it, it feels like he and the temptation are teaming up to try and keep me away. So in my case, what he thinks is a difficult truth is actually better for me than what he sees as a kinder lie.
Kay, I love that! Such a great point to make. One of the themes that shows up again and again in the emails I get from women in this situation is the desire for honesty. You can’t have trust again if you can’t have honesty, and these women have no way to know if their husbands are being honest. Thanks for that!
This sounds like the exact situation I experienced. My husband and I had been married for a year when he confessed to me and I was completely blindsided. I knew porn was out there but I never thought in a million years that I would marry a man who struggled with it. I felt betrayed and cheated on and immediately started building walls around my heart so it wouldn’t hurt so bad. My husband profusely apologized and felt guilty, just like this guy, which I appreciated but at the same time it didn’t help to keep hearing how sorry he was. Like Sherri said, I wanted him to DO something about it. Over the next year and a half, we moved to a different state away from all our family and he confessed to me another 4 to 5 times. I just continued to bottle up all my emotions and we just emotionally and intimately continued to drift apart. It was awful! Finally, he pretty much forced me to get counseling (he got an accountability partner and filters and everything else) and God used that to start the healing process within my own heart. I really didn’t want to because I was embarrassed to admit we were struggling with this issue, but being able to talk to another Christian female, who gave me solid Biblical advice (and also had been through this with her husband so she understood all the things I was feeling) was just what I needed. God used those counseling sessions to show his love and grace for me and my husband and healed my heart and allowed me to trust my husband again. It has now been almost 4 years since my husband has looked at porn and we have a beautiful 18 month old son with a daughter on the way. We have a wonderful, solid marriage and I have completely renewed my trust in my husband. We still have filters on all devices and I have permission at any time to look at his devices and also ask him point blank questions about if he has been tempted to look at porn. We have been redeemed and restored and To God be the glory!
Sorry Sheila! My phone auto corrected your name to Sherri. Oops!
How wonderful, Haley! Thank you for sharing.
The shame is what I hear in his email. I know it has been addressed in the comments but it is huge. It can be a matter of semantics, but I see shame as very different from conscience or godly sorrow. Shame doesn’t say “I did something wrong” but instead “I am a wrong, bad, disgusting person.” Shame in that way isn’t godly. And often times our shame over a current issue is a symptom of a bigger issue. If he can’t get past the shame and see himself as a child of God in right standing because of what Jesus did for him, then a counselor may be necessary to unpack the shame issue. It can be absolutely debilitating if left to grow on its own. But sometimes we need help to unpack it and find healing.
THANK YOU. That is what I am coming here to say. There is guilt, which says “I have done something bad,” but then there is shame, which says “I am bad.” One of those is the conviction of the Holy Spirit and one of those is a lie from the Devil himself. I hope the original poster is able to see the difference between the two.
Gwen, so true. In my talks I often differentiate between guilt and shame, which was what I was trying to do with that verse from Corinthians, but you said it so much better. Great addition!
besides the great advice from Sheila i would add that possibly the couple should find something different to do together other than watching movies. He said that they were already dealing with intimacy issues and that women appearing on tv will now make the wife question his thoughts… I would say stop watching romantic movies together for now. Find some other fun to enjoy together to build the relationship, like playing board games or do a sport together or hike or whatever. And make sure that your wife hears everyday from you that you love her, chose her and that she is beautiful in your eyes!
My husband and I celebrate our 1 year anniversary next month, but just went through this exact situation a few months ago. I am astounded at how God has moved and redeemed this situation faster and more beautifully than I ever thought possible. Here are a few things my husband did that really helped me to heal and move forward.
1. Be PROACTIVE about accountability.
My husband came to me the next day with a whole plan about how he was going to be accountable to me and other people. It spoke volumes to me about his heart; I didn’t even have to suggest or ask for it. No one else is going to do this for you, YOU must seek out help. Just as Sheila said, changed behavior speaks louder than anything!
2. Give her time and space to heal.
This breach of trust made me question EVERYTHING: Did he even love me? What about all the things he had promised? Are we doomed for failure? It was emotional crazy town, fueled not only by emotions but also horrible lies: I’m not pretty enough. I’m not good enough. I could have prevented it.
My husband put no pressure on me to be fine, to want to connect with him, or to have sex right away after. Because I had time and space to heal, I came down off the emotional roller coaster and could sort truth from lies, reality from fear. I realized once again that this is a good hearted man who loves me deeply but has struggles and sin; he wasn’t evil, horrible and out to get me, and I wasn’t ugly, at fault, or going to get a divorce.
Because I had time to heal and get my head on straight, when we did rebuild trust, connect, and have sex again, I had a better grip on the truth which enabled me to really love. Also, having time to just focus on healing helped me to heal quickly and we were connecting again soon!
3. Help her understand your heart
I know some women do struggle with porn but it is not a draw for women in the same way. My assumption was that my husband was using porn as a means for sexual satisfaction or twisted connection. Thats the only way it made sense to me. However, just like this man who wrote in the question, my husband has expressed that its more about a ‘release’ and not at all about connection or relationship with someone else. As we talked more, I found out my husband was immensely stressed about our marriage and other big life decisions coming in the future. (In fact later I realized that I causing major stress!) He felt like he couldn’t share or express his heart with me.
Like this reader, he had early exposure to porn and for years used that as a coping mechanism. He was trying really hard to do right before the Lord and before me, but he is still being redeemed from that brokenness and learning to cope with emotions in healthy ways.
This revelation has been the turning point for me in extending grace and forgiveness and walking alongside my husband. I check in with him regularly and have been working to be a safe place for him emotionally. He is now aware of his tendencies and is learning to turn to ME for his emotional release when things get stressful. Helping your wife understand your heart can help her to heal from the pain AND will bring more connection and emotional intimacy to your marriage AND will probably help prevent porn use in the future! Its a win-win-win!
I just want to end by saying THERE IS HOPE! We don’t serve a super-normal God, we serve a super-natural God! His specialty is forgiveness, healing, and redemption and he loves to work in situations that seem impossible because only he gets the glory. I thought our marriage was shipwrecked but we are more in love and connected than ever before. I know we have a long road ahead of us, but God is for us so who (or what) can be against us?
Thank you for sharing your story! I think it’s so wonderful to hear from couples who have recovered from porn, because it absolutely is possible, and so many do come through to the other side!
The honesty here is really a great step. I’d appreciate that. Discovered my ‘fiance’ visits erotic sites and now the story is he thinks I have trust issues. Well, I decided to heed advice and postponed the whole wedding thing to see if we could work through it but he still refused to be honest about it and when I suggested filters or accountability to atleast help us, he insisted he didn’t need it. That he has never been tempted by internet porn. I feel stupid sometimes and just can’t believe the lies. The whole thing has been called off but I haven’t stopped praying for him. I really loved him. And after my last relationship I told God not to allow me fall in love again unless its the person I’ll marry. Then this came up.
There’s a red light there for you. Don’t marry unless it turns green. You could save yourself years of suffering.
You did the right thing!
So I’m also tempted to wonder if God really cares. But not going to stop trusting Him
I really feel for this couple since my husband and I had a very similar thing happen. Though my husband had struggled with lust before we were married and in our first year of marriage, it came to a head when he went on a business trip and watched some things he shouldn’t have watched. When he confessed it, I felt betrayed and I questioned whether I could be enough for him as a wife. I totally agree with Sheila, what helped me heal was seeing his changed behavior and his changed heart. This all happened seven years ago and he has never watched anything even remotely questionable since then. He also never checks out other women and he turns away from the TV when there are Victoria’s Secret ads on or even just women in bikinis or something. Some people might think that’s overkill, but it makes me feel so loved to know that my feelings are more important to him than looking at other women, even it it’s just for a second. (I don’t want to make it sound like my husband is perfect, but this is one area of our marriage where God worked a miracle, and it’s a good thing, because I tend to get jealous easily.)
Also, I would tell this husband, it takes time! I forgave my husband soon after this happened (as best I could at the time), but it took at least a year before it stopped hurting me. Even today, if I really think about it, it’s still hurtful, but I also know my husband is a different person now thanks to God.
Maybe this has already been said. Sorry I haven’t read every comment yet; I’m just on my phone. But my husband has used porn, and I’ve wondered if he was thinking about other women at times. It’s only natural, considering the circumstances. It helps when he affirms me. For instance, telling me I look nice, or he likes my hair, or he thinks I’m beautiful. I think this man can do the same with his wife, and help her really GET that he desires HER.
I struggled with porn amd other sin in my marriage. I have had the exact same guilt and shame he is describing. It’s funny how we can preach forgiveness so easy, until we have to forgive ourselves. My biggest hurdle was struggling to be proud of the person I was after.
I used porn casually in my teens and young adult. I waited for my wife in terms of sex. Although we did have sex before marriage. I was not her first.
The hardest part as JoAnna describes is that I waited…you have this hope that you marry a Christian and sex is going to be awesome! For us, it was awesome before marriage and mutual and frequent. Afterwards I experienced lots of sexual refusal and I was the only initiator. As a husband/wife you have the ability to make your spouse feel anything from really sexy all the way to totally unwanted. I can’t say where I was on that spectrum.
My actions are my own responsibility, but I also believe that had sex been a mutually sought after experience, I wouldn’t be down this road. I believe both constant sexual refusal and porn use can damage a person’s faith. The most shocking thing for me is that I did things I would have laughed at you for if you told me i would do that one day. But still, when it came to sex…I only want my wife in that way. But i did Things so far from my belief system.
Now I am trying to pick up the pieces, to somehow make it right with my wife, be the Godly man she needs, and repair my marriage and be the christ-like example to my kids I always wanted to be. Is it to late for that?
I haven’t read through the replies as I want his to come from the heart and for this couple and others to possibly learn from my situation. This is so difficult to put down, my marriage has had difficulties from the beginning (been together for 23yrs, dated 6 married 17). Our biggest problem was finding out about his porn use, I became aware of it as a major problem over 10yrs ago now. Each time I discovered and he got caught he was sorry and felt guilty, there were various reasons give why he did it, all plausible. I worked hard (with Gods help) to be understanding, loving, helpful and forgiving. I have a slight disability which makes intimacy difficult or not too frequent (this happened 2yrs into our marriage) and also had baggage with things of a sexual nature because of childhood issues so blamed myself for his needs not being met. I feel my biggest mistake was I kept the secret to myself. Things would go back to normal, at times I believed they were possibly better than before but it happened again and again! I got hurt over & over and still I stuck in there. It all cracked open & came out over 2yrs ago that he has always used porn since his teens, I by this time was empty. What we had tried before hadn’t worked so now it was up to him to seek help without me directing him or suggesting how to fix it, all without the gauntee I would stay or love him again. For him this has been a breakthrough, he’s told others, he’s trying with other things that were lacking as a husband too. However for me with all the hurt and scars I’m numb yet I’m still here, just! Over the past 2yrs he even came and confessed slips (things minor to what he had looked at) which years ago I would have been so pleased he’d said but all it did was bring everything back. I don’t hate him but I don’t love him either. I’ve believed and practiced what many Christian advice out there gives but now I’m just dead inside. I’ve even tried to not let my feelings (or lack of them) dictate my action, I’ve tried making myself act loving, kind to try & guide my feelings but nothing. There is nothing left to the point of being suicidal. What do you do with nothingness! In all this I have 3 boys to consider but I’m so empty I have nothing to offer them and am even shutting off from them! Do I continue till my dying day in this numb emptiness, where I keep getting hurt/scars from his slips? Which will happen, I know no one is perfect but Christ. I just don’t think I can keep doing this, there may be too much harm done. So my advice is yes as a husband do all that is suggested in this article, for you because it’s the right thing for you even if your marriage ends! Learn your triggers and deal with them, if you stay up and she goes to bed and that’s when you look at porn then go to bed when she does, keep the computer in a main area, if things come up as ads on certain web sites delete or don’t visit them, remember you computer/device algorithms know you like this stuff so will suggest it to you. If you can dump the computer/tablet/smart phone, reduce the risk of temptation, if something even slightly sexual is on the TV flick it over! Keep your wife informed of what your doing to get help, don’t make her responsible for policing it, encourage her to get help/support for her, allow her to tell trusted people, let her blow out at you and take it. She needs help but you may not be the best person to offer that but you can facilitate it for other to be there for her. If agreeable talk with someone together. Most of all be gentle and patient as she may never get over it and that’s just something you may have to live with!
Nan,
I completely understand how you’re feeling as I have a situation very similar to yours. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and he’s had issues with porn for our entire marriage. He has apologized and made promises but we always seem to find ourselves back in the same place. It took a worse turn 3 years ago today (ironically) when I caught him logged into an adult chat room where he’d been meeting up with women. I can’t describe to you what that felt like but you may very well know.
Lots has happened in the last 3 years. They have been the most difficult years of my life. My husband and I are still together and we are trying to heal. I dont know if you and I could help each other or not but I know that it has helped me to be able to talk to someone who has been there. Please let me know if you’d like to talk.
XXXChurch.com & Pure Desire Ministry’s
Are 2 excellent resources that I didn’t see mentioned here; with programs for rehabilitation, & tried & true recovery stories. Covenant Eyes is just a beginning.
I applaud you for confessing to your wife before she found out the hard way. Very few men do this.
I encourage you to take the lead on letting light into this area, sin and its effects thrive in darkness. Tell her that you will get a mature male to be your accountability partner (ask your pastor for suggestions) and then do it. Get filtering and accountability software for all your devices. Don’t watch any TV shows or movies with any nudity or women dressed as “eye candy.”
Affirm your love for her and how beautiful you find her. Plan special dates with just the two of you where you can focus on her solely with no expectation of sex. She may need time before she can be vulnerable with you again.
I discovered my hisbamd’s porn use after 10 years of marriage and I was devastated. I was blessed that he confessed everything when confronted and committed to change (he had been trying to quit on his own but it was a lonely battle). Our sex life had always been good, and as we talked about it we realized the issue for us was really emotional intimacy. We are both perfectionists & high achievers which can make showing weakness difficult. So if he was feeling afraid, angry, or lonely, he would turn to porn for comfort because it was so much easier than making himself vulnerable with me and possibly having a difficult conversation. What has helped me the most with trusting him again is when he opens up his heart and shares what he is really feeling, so I know he is coming to me with his needs and not taking them elsewhere. He has also been more open in sharing his sexual desires, where before he said he was afraid I would think he was weird if he shared those things. It’s been 18 months and I can definitely say we are stronger than ever and I am so thankful.
While I commend the blogger on his repentance, and I know that as Christians we all have a mandate to forgive, the wife of a pornography user needs to tread extremely carefully in this area. I know several women who were too quick to ‘forgive’ their husbands (possibly in part through an overwhelming desire to bury the problem and make it go away).
Without exception every one of their husbands has returned to their active porn habits. EVERY ONE.
This is a serious addiction that requires a carefully considered, strategic response and active input from the injured partner and a counselor and accountability partners for the porn addict. We wouldn’t consider just forgiving and forgetting if our spouses confessed an alcohol addiction or other substance abuse.
Her pain and healing is just as relevant (or even more so) than his. She is the injured party, after all, and they need to work together for full healing and restoration in their marriage.
Take it from the wife of a porn addict who is working with her husband after being lied to and deceived for 25 years.
There is hope, but this requires time and work. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either in denial or has never experienced this problem personally.
First off to say, I choose my wife. I am a recovering Porn addict. In September, 2 days before 13th anniversary, she told me she doesn’t love me. In October I confessed my porn addiction. I am in recovering by doing one thing. What kept me addicted is one thing. I would go to bed without sex and I kept a fictional woman on my mind in fantasy. So I changed the way I think when I go to sleep. I got into the habit thinking about her and able to go to sleep. Thank you Jesus, it’s been incredible in success. So I am wondering, when is it ok to ask to sleep with her? Not for sex. I just want to be present.