Is cosleeping with the toddler okay? Even if your husband isn’t happy?
Today’s reader question comes from a rather unhappy husband who would like his wife back in his bed.
Reader Question
Wow. Okay, let’s try to tackle this. Because it’s mostly women who read this blog, I’m going to address most of my comments to women, with some words to the husbands at the end.
First, I have to say: I must be a glutton for punishment, because I’ve talked about co-sleeping before, and every time I do I get lambasted from readers. So let me start with some disclaimers:
I understand that it is often easier to sleep with babies.
Of course, my husband is a pediatrician and has seen babies get suffocated from parents sleeping beside them, so he would always want me to issue the warning that cosleeping is not recommended by pediatric societies.
But nevertheless, I know many parents do it. I do know that breastfeeding is easier if the child is in bed with you, and for many moms, sleeping with the baby is the only way to get some sleep.
I also understand that some COUPLES choose to co sleep with their toddlers.
I don’t think this is ideal, however. I think that couples need alone time, and I think that the “family bed” can create a situation where you can’t move the kids out of your bed, even if you want to, because they’re so used to sleeping with you. I have known families who can’t get their 7 or 8 year olds to sleep in their own rooms.
Nevertheless, you are the parents, and if you and your husband both, together, willingly choose to have the kids in your bed not because you can’t get them to sleep in their own rooms but because you genuinely want them there, then I completely support that.
I would just urge you to make sure that your husband truly wants them there, because my husband talks to many patients who cosleep with their kids. Every single time, when you get the dad alone, he says he wants the kids out but the mom won’t hear of it. So, mom, be sure it’s your decision as a couple, and you’re not just shutting out his feelings because it’s something you want so much.
That being said, the wife should be sleeping with the husband, not co-sleeping with toddlers (or co-sleeping with older children) without the husband.
The wife’s bed is the husband’s bed. Period.
If the couple, TOGETHER, choose to bring the toddlers or children into bed (as I said above), that’s fine. But a wife choosing to sleep away from her husband in favour of her children? That’s a huge red flag.
Sometimes obviously you can’t sleep in the same bed, if there are snoring issues or health issues or work schedule issues. But in general, couples should sleep together.
Here are some things to consider:
Sex is much harder when you’re cosleeping with toddlers
I have had moms who cosleep with their children tell me that, “we still have sex! We just have to get creative and have it in different places!” That’s wonderful. But it’s also a basic fact of human behaviour that when you make something more difficult you will get less of it.
Often when couples make love it’s unplanned. You’re lying in bed, talking and snuggling, and things “just happen”. If you’ve removed the opportunity for things to “just happen”, you will have sex less often.
When you choose to cosleep, you simultaneously choose to sacrifice some of your sexual encounters.
Your husband’s feelings matter
Now that you’re married, your husband matters more, not less, because those kids are counting on you to stay together. If you sacrifice a bit of your marriage to make your kids happy, are you really helping them?
Marriage is hard enough once kids come. They take up so much of our time and energy. If you have no time away from them, just the two of you, you put such an added strain on your marriage.
Yes, you love your children with an all-encompassing love. Moms would die for their children in an instant; most of us would have to think for a bit about whether or not we would die for our husbands. It’s just a different relationship. But just because it’s less intense, in a way, does not make it less important. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
Kids will clamor for your attention. They will bug you. They will make sure you don’t forget them.
Marriage doesn’t work that way. When a marriage (or a husband) is being neglected, you likely won’t hear kicking and screaming. It will be a slow fade. It will be a withdrawal, an increasing distance, a drift.
There’s nothing urgent keeping your attention on your husband, so you must be intentional. When you spend all of your energy and affection on your kids, you don’t help them. You hurt them, because you hurt your marriage. You are “one flesh” with your husband, not with your children.
Your children should not bear the weight of your emotional needs
When kids get your attention instead of your husband, they will be very happy. Kids are naturally selfish and they’re naturally leeches: they want all the attention they can possibly get.
Ultimately, though, if a child comes between you and your husband you create a very unhealthy emotional dynamic for that child. Your children know that they trump your husband. They increasingly take on the need to make you happy, and they distance themselves from their dad. It’s not good. And you should not put on your children your needs for emotional closeness. You’re the parent; you’re the one who meets the needs. If you can’t separate from a toddler because you love holding them too much, then you’re putting your toddler in the giving role. That’s selfish and it’s wrong, and ultimately it will hurt them.
Kids need to learn to separate and do things on their own
One of the best gifts you can give your small children is the ability to put themselves to sleep.
Think about this: you naturally wake up several times during the night (we all do), but we usually just roll over and go back to sleep.
But what would happen if you woke up and your pillow wasn’t there? Could you go back to sleep? Perhaps not, because you associate your pillow with sleep.
When you have to rock your children to get them to sleep, or give them a bottle to get them to sleep, or breastfeed them to get them to sleep, or lie down with them to get them to sleep, then when they wake up, they will need whatever it is you do in order to go back to sleep. They won’t just roll over and doze off again.
So if you have to lie down with your toddler to get them to sleep at night, then when they wake up at 2 in the morning, they will want you to come beside them again. And so we think, “it’s easier if I just stay here.”
And then we progress to,
My baby needs me and loves me so much!
A baby who needs his or her mother to go to sleep does not love that mother more than a baby or toddler who can go to sleep happily by him or herself. That baby has simply not learned how to sleep on their own. And that baby will easily become more fussy and more anxious because that baby doesn’t know how to calm him or herself.
Yes, it may take a while to teach your kids to sleep on their own
It is difficult. But you need to get your marriage–and your life–back! You aren’t doing yourself or your marriage any service by making your life revolve around your kids. I have known moms, though, who refuse to help their kids sleep on their own because they like the feeling of being needed by their kids. They crave it. That’s not fair to the children and it’s not fair to your husband.
A note to husbands whose wives cosleep with the kids
If you could have written the letter that this man did, I just have a few thoughts.
Your wife needs to know that you still love her, and that the marriage is important. Spend time with her. Do some things with the toddlers and insist she take some time to herself. Ask her to do a “marriage check-in” once a day just so that you can keep up with what is going on in each other’s lives. Share with her your feelings about life–about work, about church, about God. Don’t wall off your feelings. She needs that connection.
And then, once you are talking regularly and you have time together, sit her down and tell her your concerns about the sleeping arrangement. Show her this post. Tell her that the kids matter to you so much, and that’s why you want a rock solid marriage–for them. Ask her what you can do to create that strong marriage, and then ask her to come back to your bed. Tell her you know it will be hard, but you’ll research how to do it and you’ll do it with her, full partner.
Just understand that her motivation is likely that she loves the kids so much. Show her that you love them, too–and then work through this together.
Now let me know in the comments: Have you ever had to stop the kids from sleeping with you? How did you do it?
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Once again, I’ve come across a post that I am completely opposite. From wanting more sex than my husband to him wanting to let our daughter sleep in our bed. Granted, in China where he was born, co-sleeping happened because there were only 2 bedrooms for everyone(1-child policy wasn’t in play in Macau). I told my husband that if he wanted to go lay with her as she tries to go to sleep, that was fine, but our bed and bedroom was ours. I learned that from my parents who are happily married(56 years and going strong). If she ever comes in because of a nightmare, we take her back to her room and sit with her until she can fall back asleep. He started to see the benefit of this when we learned that she is a kicker and mover. 🙂
I know what you mean about kicker and mover! I could never sleep well when the kids were in my bed. Sometimes they’d come in after a nightmare but we always carried them back to their rooms once they fell asleep. I just needed my sleep!
This always happens to me too! I came to this blog looking for comments on what to do if my husband always switches beds to go sleep with our toddler. He goes because he is coughing, or moving too much, or any little reason is always enough. I hate it.
That is really difficult, Regla. Does he keep you up when he’s coughing? Or is he just afraid that he’s keeping you up? I know sometimes I can’t sleep when I’m sick and I’m afraid my thrashing around will keep my husband up. Even if it’s not keeping him up, I’m so self-conscious that I can’t relax.
But if it’s not that, then I think a good conversation is definitely warranted, because that can’t keep up, especially as the child gets older!
My son is 1.5yr old and I started co-sleeping with him part time in our bed around 3 months in order to get some sleep and ended up really enjoying the closeness. To me it felt natural. Like a bear with her cubs. My husband said he was ok with it at that time. Eventually he was no longer ok with it and we agreed it would be nice to have our bed back and with unsuccessful sleep training have ended up with part-time co-sleeping: toddler is nursed to sleep in his bed and brought to ours upon waking early morning. I battled post partum depression in the early months which I became aware of when I was overwhelmed with extremely negative feelings towards both my husband and dog, coupled with loss of appetite and a feeling of hopelessness. I have been maintaining mental health through monthly councelling, regular exersice, healthy diet and good sleep habits. I have been on the up since my son was about 9 months. We have our good days but mostly I feel we irritate each other and are just playing our marital roles. I go to our bed and am unable to sleep there because once the quiet comes and I am lying next to my husband I am filled with angry resentful feelings that keep me awake. For a while I tried openly talking to him about the issues in our marriage, but he would prefer to ignore the issues. He is so overworked between his job and renovating our home, there is nothing left at the end of the day. I am grateful for all that he does. It does not make me want to be close to him when he wont put in the effort to talk to me, wont sacrifice tv time for couple time, goes weeks without shaving, days without showering and often forgets to brush his teeth. I am past this point now. I am distancing myself because I am tired of being the only one trying to schedule time for us to be together. I have hope that it will be better once the renos are done..but I also worry there wont be pieces to pick up by then. In our bed I am filled with worry, resentment, anxiety, hate, disgust and pain that I am supposed to magically turn off. In the other room my mind is peaceful. Ive had many thoughts of separating, though I always resolve that it is best for our family if we can work through this somehow. even if that means I accept neither of us are going to be the best versions of ourselves after these long days and wait it out. He says we have to put our marriage on hold until the house is done. I disagree. At times I imagine him gone from my life or wish him ill and am racked with guilt. God help me, I loved this man. We chose each other. And now we have a beautiful little boy whom we both love dearly and needs us to model a healthy marriage and stable home to grow up in.
My parents stayed together “for the kids” and it did more harm then good. If there is not a harmonious set up where you both understand your roles in your relationship, staying together for the kids is (according to psychology) more damaging then beneficial.
Actually, Jasmine, Judith Wallerstein’s huge large-scale study did find that unhappy but low-conflict marriages were better for kids than happy divorces. If there’s high conflict, though, with abuse, then kids are better off if the parents divorce. But if the parents are simply unhappy and are staying together for the kids, it actually is better for them. Fascinating research.
Havent shared a bed with my wife in ten years. Havent had sex with her in two. I live in a separate side of the house. My own little apartment which I built for this purpose. She has been sleeping in a bed with our children for ten years. We are not a marriage. She blames me for everything. I am doing what I can to survive emotionally. Depression has me very angy and confused. She also homeschools with the mthod called unschooling. Which the kids are supposed to learn on their own (insane) my son is 9 and can barely read. She is with them 24/7/365. She quit her amazing job without consulting me. I feel lost. What am I doing?
Brian, that is NOT a healthy relationship. It sounds very much like your wife has become totally emotionally enmeshed with the children. A mother should NOT be sleeping with her children, especially with her children instead of her husband. Her kids don’t need her; it sounds instead like she needs the kids. And while unschooling can work for some people (if they run an extremely curious household where they’re always doing nature walks and trips to the library and reading lots and lots of books together) for many it does not. Unschooling actually requires more work than traditional homeschooling because you need to be doing everything you can to encourage curiosity.
It sounds instead like she is afraid to set limits or to require anything of the kids, and that she wants to make them dependent on her.
Please listen to me in this: You are not helping your wife if you allow this to happen. Your kids need you to step in and try to restore balance to the family. I’d seriously suggest talking to a counsellor, first by yourself, and then insisting on seeing one with your wife. This isn’t going to get better on its own, and I think that trying to be “nice” to your wife may actually backfire, especially for your kids.
Oh heavens! Baby Girl was just the worst sleeper ever. For the first THREE years of her life, I was getting up seven to eight times a night with her. We even got a behaviorist in to help us, and a sleep trainer, and while things did get better – it never really resolved. Just when she turned three, I started a new job and I could not afford to not have sleep. So, after all that battling to get her to sleep, I brought her into the bed with us. And I managed to get more sleep then ever before. She is six now, and still hates to sleep, but she is in her own bed – and if she falls asleep in our bed, she gets carried back to her own bed. She may still call during the night, but probably about two or three times on a bad night. I don’t believe in co-sleeping – I believe parents have their beds, and kids have their beds. Sometimes though you just don’t have any other choice – and I know, because I tried everything. From training, to meds, to prayer, to everything. So, I do think, at the end of the day, you have to do what works for you – as long as everyone is happy with the arrangement, and if it is co-sleeping it is a temporary measure until you find a long term solution.
Yes, I would agree–you just do what you have to do! But I do think that’s a different situation from one where the woman deliberately chooses to sleep with the kids (which is what the husband is describing here). Our youngest didn’t sleep well, either, and it was REALLY tough. 🙂
What does your husband recommend? I have a 34 month old who has always sucked at sleeping. We co sleep in order to get any sleep. When we put her in her bed but she still wakes 5 times a night. I haven’t slept in over 3 years. My husband winds up moving downstairs because he can’t handle the not sleeping. And he snores, so between the toddler and his snoring, I only get a couple hours a sleep per night. I have tried everything I know and need help.
Oh, Rachel. That’s awful! I can’t sleep with snoring either. I remember we were once in a hotel and there was nowhere for me to go and I literally slept in the bathtub. I get it.
Have you talked to your pediatrician about this? I think it depends WHY your child is waking at night. Is it night terrors (for many kids that’s a real thing, but often does resolve on its own). Is it just that they’re used to you? When I hear waking 5 times a night, that sounds like normal sleep patterns. Like, we all wake 5-6 times a night, but we don’t notice it because we go right back to sleep. But if she can’t go to sleep without you putting her to sleep, then when she wakes up normally, instead of just rolling over, she has to come get you. That sounds like what may be going on. So the big thing is to teach her how to sleep without you there. It may be exhausting, but when she gets up, put her back in bed, kiss her, and then leave. If she keeps doing it, don’t speak to her, just hug her and put her back in bed. She may keep coming out of the room, and you may have to keep putting her back, but most kids do learn like that. And then, when they catch on to how to sleep, they become much happier kids, and you actually get some sleep!
But it may take some real discipline for a few nights. I’d talk to your pediatrician, though, and make sure there’s nothing else going on!
Also quick thing, I’ve had quite a few friends who have kids who they CAN’T get to sleep hire sleep consultants/sleep coaches and within a week the kid is sleeping through the night. We’re talking the worst sleepers ever. So if this is a problem, it may be worth hiring a sleep coach for a few days. When you’ve been dealing with sleepless nights for months, it can sometimes help to have someone else come in and be your strength as you’re dealing with this. 🙂
Absolutely agree! I remember watching Super Nanny and this was basically the #1 thing she did–getting kids to sleep in their own beds. It transformed the family’s life. Finally everyone was sleeping, which made everyone much happier and more relaxed.
Our son is 5 years old and he still sleeps in our bed most of the time. But…we never allow him to actually go into our bed and fall asleep. He has to go to sleep in his own bed and, at some point in the middle of the night when he wakes up, he comes into our bed to sleep. We’re both ok with that. The rare times he’s allowed to go to sleep in our bed with us, is if he’s sick or a couple times our electric was out in the winter, so we all had to cuddle up to keep warm.
As a baby, he slept in a bassinet in our room up until 3 months old, then he went into his crib in his room. He nursed A LOT, so I would bring him in bed to nurse him, and as he got a little bigger, and I got more comfortable with him being there, I would just fall asleep nursing him and he would fall asleep, too. He nursed until he was 3 1/2 years old, so it always worked out for him to come into our bed in the middle of the night (he hadn’t come in to nurse at night since he was 2). He will be our only child, and this is the only time we’ll get to experience this, and soon, there will be a day that he wants nothing to do with sleeping with us, so we’ll enjoy the snuggles for now.
As for the sex thing…it doesn’t affect us. First, our son goes to sleep in his own bed, so we’re alone for a while, anyway. Second, my husband is the type where sex always has to be planned and I’m the one who wants it all the time…he NEVER initiates it, ever! When he goes to bed, that means he’s actually going to bed…to sleep and nothing else. It’s been this way for our 14 years of marriage, so, unfortunately, I don’t ever see it changing. 🙁
Thanks for the great article and everything else you do! I follow you on Facebook and read your emails.
Yes, I do think there’s a difference between a child who comes in in the middle of the night and one where you deliberately sleep with him!
I’m sorry that your husband doesn’t initiate. 🙁 That must be tough! And I know a lot of women do go through that. And perhaps planning and scheduling sex isn’t so bad if it does mean that sex happens!
I don’t think my husband, even though I have tried to respectively tell him, how much it hurts to not have our him show that type of affection. I’ve been with my husband for almost 19 years, and even with MS, I’m always ready to go, and he doesn’t even notice me sitting there naked. I’m in good shape, but it doesn’t matter. I also spoke to him about that, with my MS, I feel like I am on a time bomb to disability and would like to enjoy the time I have fully functional. I know it’s testosterone levels, but he doesn’t want to discuss that either. All I can do is keep praying and concentrate on all that he does well as a husband and provider for our family.
I have to cosleep with the baby to get any sleep at all. I want her in her own bed. But I have to survive and keep sane more importantly. This guy in the letter is getting more sex than I am (and believe me, I am VERY needy in that area). Once a month? Really? I’d LOVE THAT! I can’t get my husband to sleep in my bed for various reasons. Why kick the baby out?
Sometimes when you’re breastfeeding it does seem like the only way to get the baby to sleep is to sleep with you! I get that. I do hope that your husband and you can work through these issues. I’m so sorry.
As my husband and I are within a few weeks of having our first baby, this was a great read for me! I know co-sleeping works for lots of families, which is great. But we’re not planning on co-sleeping with our children for the same reasons you mentioned. This post just makes me even more determined to not get that habit started as it sounds like it is very difficult to stop once it does!
I love your point about the marriage being even more important after we become parents! I want to do everything I can to make sure our marriage is strong so that our family will also be strong.
We co-slept with our oldest for about four months, and then started moving him to his own bed for the first half of the night. By the time he was 9 months old he was spending the whole night in his crib in a different room. Our younger one never had any interest in co-sleeping as a baby. Now that she’s a bit older sometimes she spends the last hour of the night in our bed.
My point is that sometimes people have a hard time with it, but in our case it was great (we all slept) and also it was *surprisingly* easy to put a stop to it when my husband and I were ready.
That’s great, Emily! Our oldest daughter slept in her own room in a crib no problem. And she’s always been very well attached. Our younger one had sleep issues (she just didn’t need much sleep at all!) which exhausted all of us. But I could never sleep with her. She woke me up and I slept worse with her in the bed. She learned pretty quickly to sleep in her crib–she just always woke up after only 8 hours, happy as a clam, but still….
Congratulations, Bree! I hope the delivery goes well and you have a great start with your baby!
The biggest mistake many parents make is letting the child NEED them to go to sleep–need a bottle, need a breast, need to be rocked or held. (I’m not talking newborn–more 6 months and older). If they need you, then they’ll call you, multiple times a night. But most babies can learn very quickly to soothe themselves, and if you give them lots of kisses and hugs they really are fine. You don’t need to sleep beside your child to attach to them (though I know some people find that this does help attachment). But studies have shown that it isn’t necessary. What’s necessary is the whole relationship, and relying on your child too much for your own emotional needs is very detrimental (not that all cosleeping parents do this, but in this letter writer’s case, it looks like it definitely was a factor).
Thanks for the great advice, Sheila! We will definitely keep it in mind once our little one gets here! 🙂
You write this spot on thank you !!
FWIW, it is worth being prepared to be flexible with the sleeping arrangements for the first weeks after the baby is born. I had the hardest time getting my first to sleep even in a pack and play in our room and I think that her restlessness led to my exhaustion and ppd. I know that my being dogmatic about not cosleeping and some other things contributed to my sense of failure as a parent. With subsequent babies, we have let them sleep with us for 6-8 weeks before moving them into a pack and play in our room until they are about 6 months old (still considered cosleeping but not bedsharing). Then they move to their crib in the next room just fine. Maybe it would be harder to do that if we left them in our room longer; I don’t know. The goal for us is always that balance of getting enough rest to heal and be functional (especially important when you have other kids) and moving the baby out as soon as reasonably possible. I don’t mind sleeping with the baby, although my husband doesn’t care for it, and it is really nice to have our room back when the baby is sleeping enough that I don’t have to get up more than a few times a night.
Best wishes for your delivery! It is wonderful to meet the father inside your husband (and in our case has led to more babies but that is another issue altogether).
Thank you! It’s great to hear from other moms and how they were able to figure out what is best for their family. I’m sure there will be tons of adjustments once we have our daughter! 🙂
I had no intention on co sleeping. But, preterm babies, low milk supply, frequent feedings, reflux issues, and sleep issues all collaborated into me sleeping with the babies. I lived on 4 hours of broken sleep per night, but usually by morning the babies would sleep well and I could crawl in with hubby and we could have sex.
But babies and children are not allowed in the marriage bed. It is only for hubby and me. If they have bad dreams, I go to them.
I’m sorry that you’ve got such hard issues! That must be exhausting. So hared.
I am not for the co-sleeping thing. That doesn’t mean that I think it is wrong for all couples. For this particular reader, it is absolutely the wrong thing though, because his feelings and emotions are being marginalized. I get how hard it is to keep kids sleeping at night, but it is really important to try harder for the sake of your spouse. If one person isn’t ok with it, a better agreemanet should be reached. Their sex live is being affected, which is really not good for either of them.
Agree, Keelie!
I have co-slept with my older two when they were infants to two yrs old. I was studying to be a teacher full time and needed my sleep. Especially since I was the only one getting up with them. Now they are four and two and sleep in their own beds. Though they still get up in the night. My four yr old gets nasty night terrors and wakes upo two to 4 times a night. The two year old is autistic and gets up three to six times a night. Then we have a we seven month old who wakes up three to five times a night. I wake up with all of them. So I sleep with the youngest most of the night in a chair.
Oh, Kendra, that sounds exhausting! Night terrors are so hard to deal with. Have you talked to a pediatrician about how to help your 7-month old sleep? If there aren’t other factors there, often babies can learn to sleep very quickly.
My husband is the one who still insists that our son sleep with him…and he’ll be 12 tomorrow! I work nights 5 nights a week, and our son sleepwalks…like gets out of the house and wanders into the road sleepwalks. He hasn’t done this in about a year, but after a couple calls to the police to find him on a dark road in the middle of the night, my husband can not sleep if he can’t reach J. Nights I’m home I usually try to stay on my same sleep schedule, so we have “our time” in the morning when I get home. I think my son could safely sleep alone now, but after a couple of scary nights, an investigation by CPS (who were luckily understanding), and years of doctors telling us “we don’t know why” I understand why my husband can’t sleep well if he can’t reach over and make sure he’s there!
Wow, what a tough problem! Have you ever looked into what Alzheimer’s people do with alarms and such? I know there are alarms you can put on doors to make sure that people suffering with Alzheimer’s don’t get out. Would that work for something like sleepwalking? You’ll need a solution as he gets older, too! That would make me really scared as well.
Often times, babies get lonely, but if you stick ’em in a big bed with a sibling, they’re usually ok.
My question here would be, why does this mother choose to sleep with the toddler? Maybe she got into the habit of all night nursing and it is too daunting for her to stop it. Maybe she tried to stop it but the child won’t have it as long as the mother is there. But maybe the husband never got involved in bedtime routines and that’s how this situation was reinforced. Maybe he doesn’t ever help with night wakings? I highly recommend to this mother to stop nighttime nursing and co-sleeping. But to get the dad involved. He needs to take care of the child for a few nights until the nighttime nursing habit is broken! This will make it a lot easier on mom and child. by the way, we co slept with all three kids, I did a lot of night nursing and yes I take care of most nighttime waking but I learned that frequent night nursing is just a bad habit that is established because it is the easiest way to calm a teething or sick baby when he wakes up. a habit that then just sticks around long after the teething pain is gone…but it is also way easier to break that habit than it appears. It is often the lack of sleep and the thought or hassle of trying to deal with a waking child any other way that keeps mom from making the change. I know, I’ve been there 3 times. Every single time it took me longer than planned to finally do it, every time it was easier than I expected, and every time I needed my husbands help to comfort the rather upset toddler that didn’t get anymore what they were used to. But it’s worth it! I am all for gentle weaning and nursing on demand for infants, but there are limits! Anyways, we actually were always creative with sex in different places, or times… Like nap time sex or early morning or whatever. But I didn’t really let the breastfeeding hormones take my libido away, hello mindset! Once you get the ball rolling… But it must be something the mother prioritizes.
Hi Lydia,
Yes, I would agree, it really is more an issue of “why is the mom choosing the child over the husband?”
And I think you’re right, too, that people often get into bad habits because it’s easier AT THE TIME, though not in the long run.
I LOVE what you’ve written here:
Yep!
First off….Shelia thank you for posting my letter…..I have gotten some very good feed back. To Lydia… I am the husband in the above post. I have tried to get involved but tend to lean towards getting our five year old to sleep….story time, we pray together then I actually sing a song he likes then leave the room. The boys share the same bedroom..due to another issues …..Not living with the in laws but they living with us. My wives parents. It’s the whole breast feeding thing that has tied us down and of course I can’t not help in that way. I have encourage her to pump and I would feed the young one when he wakes…but to no avail. …… thanks again to everyone for your input it is much appreciated.
marc
I didn’t intend to cosleep but I love it,and so does hubby (we follow all the guidelines), though we are both a bit squished. The baby has stacks of room though! In the first couple of weeks after labour I was so sore, and cosleeping made so much difference. She is four and a half months now and we are slowly transitioning her to a cot which is at the end of our bed. I wasn’t ready for sex for a very long time due to worry over my tear so we don’t feel that her being with us has impacted it at all. Happily she is a great sleeper, and though she likes to be fed to sleep (unlatching herself when she’s ready for sleeping) she can also fall asleep by herself, as well as in the pram and with daddy holding her. She’s always been like this. The best thing of course is waking up to a baby grinning at you from about 20cm away. All that to say, I agree with your article. Haha
While I agree with the article, I have to say that me moving into our toddlers room has saved our marriage. He is a TERRIBLE sleeper, not just the average kid needing a bit of guidance and the only way anyone got any sleep was if he slept on me the first few months and then with me ever since then. All the books and sleep schools failed for him. He is only now beginning to sleep for about six or seven hour stretches and he is almost two. When he was in his own room and my hubby and I were sleeping in the same bed, we would both wake up for the baby and then we would argue ALL THE TIME! I realized it was bc we were both so sleep deprived. We didn’t actually hate each other, it was that we were tired. My husband really just can’t deal with the interrupted sleep so we decided that I would sleep with the baby and now we get along so much better! I have also said that sex in the afternoon during bub’s nap time is better for me and because he has a shift schedule, it works perfectly. We have sex regularly, several times a week, and it is so much better now that we aren’t arguing constantly! What I actually wish is that we had a kid that wasn’t such a high maintenance sleeper but we have to parent the kid we have and co-sleeping works for us. Now that I’m expecting our second kid, I’m just praying he or she is a better sleeper!
Thank you for this article. It is a battle my wife and I have had for almost a decade. Interesting that it comes from a woman. I am all about good healthy bonding with children, they need it. I think my concern developed when it became clear that our marriage was non-existent. I think what was written above was balanced and fair. I also have come to believe that it may be more of a symptom than a cause. I would urge all couples to read this, especially those who are expecting their first child. We have five, and I have been home with them since day one. They are wonderful blessings, and the time to work on the marriage relationship is not when it hits the crisis point. Ladies and gentlemen, My marriage relationship is toast, please head these words, a healthy marriage is the greatest gift you can give your children and yourselves.
I am also a co-sleeper. I never planned to be but exhaustion and frequent nursing led me to take that step. We are currently still co-sleeping with our 3rd child. I think one piece of advice you missed is encouraging the Dad to step up and help with putting the child to bed. In most articles/advice I read on this issue usually it is the Dad who wants the child to leave the bed and the Mom who won’t comply. Maybe the Mom is just tired and wants some sleep? Perhaps if the husband might actually take some initiative and offer to take over the bedtime routine then his wife would be willing to return to her own bed?
That’s an excellent point, Donita! Thank you.
it would have been easier for me to stop co-sleeping if I had been getting more sleep. For five years, I was the one getting five hours of broken sleep a night, and often accidentally fell asleep across my kids beds just patting them to sleep. My husband would get mad because I wasn’t sharing my evening with him, but it’s hard to be enthusiastic about sex when he’s had twice as much sleep, and even blinking made me start dreaming. Not kidding.
That being said, it’s much better now. I still don’t get as much sleep as I would like because we have about a five hour difference between our sleep schedules, but the kids sleep by themselves and we have time together after they are asleep for the night.
So be encouraged- if you just can’t manage one more thing…if your colicky baby won’t sleep without touching you and your two year old still wakes a dozen times a night….if you feel you are failing because everyone around you says “just make them sleep alone, you are the adult here”….if they vomit all over every time you let them cry it out….. IT GETS BETTER! They will sleep someday, and so will you. Someday you will be able to shake your head and thank God for getting your through those years because you can’t honestly remember much of them.
That’s a really excellent point about how he’s not really in a position to be making demands about where his wife sleeps when he’s running on twice as much sleep as she is.
Codependency will get you! This is a great post!! Thank you for teaching people to be and get healthy emotionally!
Reading all of your accounts takes me back… We went into this parenting thing all planned out only to find none of our babies were the “textbook” kind… and because we tried to adhere to all of the well-meaning advice, we and our kids were exhausted! Lack of sleep can have terrible side effects, as you all likely have had to deal with as well. We learned to roll with it: whatever got the kids to sleep through the night meant we would get some sleep, too. When you’re better rested, you’re more apt to be up for some lovey-time with your hubby! Our kids co-slept (and all were sleepwalkers and night terrors!) until they felt old enough to sleep all night in their own beds. You have to tell yourself at those darkest, most exhausting times (and there are many), “This too shall pass”. And it does. Some feel that overtending their needs reinforces bad habits. It can, but you have to find what works for your family, and that may not be what everyone else does. They are not you. Soon they are ready to sleep in their own beds, all night, and then you’ll miss them! Haha! They grow up too fast anyway. Just take it one day, one night at a time, and remember this phase doesn’t last forever. For our family, what worked best was that it didn’t matter where you sleep–as long as you DO. Saved a lot of lost time fussing and carrying on at bedtime. You and hubby can get creative and find time to be alone if you really want to, and you may find those little stolen moments make as many great memories as time with the little ones! 🙂
I have to differ with you on this one Sheila. I coslept with all three of our children and as I am preparing to launch our first child, I have no regrets! While raising children is hard in and of itself, to blame marital problems on children is barking up the wrong tree! That would be like blaming marital problems on breastfeeding! Which does affect sexual libido in women, yet God created that one! Or to blame it on homeschooling and again I find that very biblical as well! So while I am facing a very difficult marriage and I value your blog, especially your latest on “why my husband won’t change”, I don’t believe it is caused by my attachment parenting style. I believe my marriage would have been just as difficult due to personalities as well as issues from our past, way before children ever entered the picture. Blessings on you Sheila!
Couldn’t agree more! Co-slept/sleeping with 2 babies and 1 has moved to a bed at 4 years but joins us in the morning. Marriage problems are due to addiction and other issues completely different from kids. I agree blaming marriage issues on the kids is not the way to go. And intimacy is not an issue. Why is your bed the only place you have sex people?? And when you see attachment parents who have 6 kids or more, you see there’s clearly no problem finding time for intimacy just because it isn’t 1950’s style in the bedroom 🙂
As a breastfeeding co sleeping mom I have to say I feel like the article is biased. We’ve been breastfeeding and co sleeping for 4.5 years (3 children, two years apart) and it has been a sanity saver. It is selfish to not think about what is Also healthy for our kids and realize they also do need nighttime parenting. Our marriage is our second priority (God is our first) and our kids come third. That being said we still make sex happen at least every other day. Reading the comments of the husband here makes it sound like breastfeeding is the problem. I have to say this readers problem isn’t breastfeeding or co sleeping but a marital problem much bigger than that! Something is off in the balance of their Marriage for her to pull away and not want sex or sleep! It isn’t that hard to start half the night with your husband and go into feed the toddler or even night wean a 2 year old (we have continued to nurse well past the age of 3 but always say goodbye to night nursings by 2.5 years old. Sheila I struggle with this article because you say 1) sure if mom and dad allow kids into their bed, yet you continue to write 2 paragraphs explaining why you are so against it anyways. Yet it also is two sides because you are so against it we cannot speak for each child’s different personality, health issues, and the down right benefits of breastfeeding and that forcing night weaning on a young baby can and frequently will cause low milk supply as well as fertility returning too soon for many mamas who are using natural family planning. It is so important in these seasons that we rest and seek God in our issues in our home not the Internet.. We have always prayed over these “baby issues” and IF my husband came to me and said I need them out, you bet I would do it! Having mom or dad sleep in kids room always seems like a bad idea in our house, our children are guests in our room not vice versa
A healthy marriage should be able to communicate and resolve sleeping and sex issues.
I agree with the previous commenter that if cosleeping is an issue, it is a symptom of a larger issue.
I think cosleeping is actually how babies thrive and eventually learn independence. Yes it’s part attachment philosophy but also part biology. Breastmilk has been show to have a different composition in the night than during the day. Nursing produces oxytocin which is why so many moms fall asleep when nursing.
I don’t believe you have to teach babies independence because they’re not ready for it. But the mindset that babies can’t sleep in your bed often disrupts breastfeeding and sleep.
Children don’t come before your spouse but both parents should be willing to meet their child’s needs because they’ll only be little for a season.
I think far more problems arise from parents who follow cultural ideals than working with a child’s natural development.
I’m not saying every child needs to co sleep or every family, only that the idea that we shouldn’t is causing guilt and stress. All family members should be working to meet each other’s needs. Not just certain members.
Well said! Agreed.
There’s something else I’ve thought of that hasn’t been mentioned here. Again just food for thought.
Growing in Christ-like-ness, or, to put it another way, growing in unselfishness.
As with all things, ymmv, but generally speaking, the mom is already growing in that unselfishness by caring for the baby. Getting up during the night when she really would rather carry on sleeping herself, giving up her body, her sleep and all of her energy.
And the Dad isn’t.
I mean, he may have noticed an impact, definitely, but, compared to the Mum, chances are it’s hit him as less of a full impact and more of a glancing blow.
So, is this not then his opportunity to be unselfish to his wife? Instead of focussing on HIS wants, HIS needs, for sleep, for sex, HIS emotional desire to have his wife in the bed with him. Because expecting his wife to be so sacrificial towards him AT THE EXACT SAME TIME that she is being so very sacrificial towards a new baby, really adds up to putting a large burden on her. Which, depending on the wife and the needs of the baby and other circumstances, might break her. Either way, I’d say he’s being unfair.
But if he used this as HIS opportunity to be selfless, to really step up in how well he cared for his wife, loving her like Christ loved the church, making sure that she had whatever she needed to be able to execute her ministry in caring for the child, including all of the sleep (wherever that happened) and none of the hassle (from him) about it, then both parents are taking a fair amount of the strain, and they are both growing more Christ-like-ness.
But that selfless giving in to the marriage, by the husband, is making the marriage stronger in a different way, and with more Christ-like-ness, it’s likely to add up to greater strength in the long term, no?
Agreed. Whenever I read about husbands being “put out” by the needs of babies and young children, I always am tempted to ask, “who’s the baby here? Did you not willingly conceive this child? Did you not know that babies wake in the night? Do you really think the baby should be the one to sacrifice for you?”
There are solutions that meet everyone’s needs. Dad on one side, mom in the middle, baby on the other side. Or a mattress on the floor next to your bed (you can put your mattress on the floor, too). You can “side car” a regular crib or buy an Arm’s Reach co-sleeper.
Insisting that the husband gets his way is not mutual, period.
My thoughts exactly! I have to wonder if this stems from a cycle of being put last as a child? Kids that get shut out at the end of the day tend to be more dependent and more insecure, despite popular misconception about “babies learning independence” by forcing them to cry alone. I have to wonder how many of these demanding, childish fathers are just still kids who felt they didn’t priority like their fathers did, and now they’re demanding it as their fathers before them did. Selfishness is learned, just as selflessness is. A dad would be more selfless if he saw his own father helping his mother and watched them put their children’s needs ahead of their selfish wants.
Preach it! I don’t too well remember the really early nights beyond a few memories of sobbing in the middle of the night while dealing with a wakeful fussy newborn and going “I can’t do this! I can’t do this!” (That too passed. Had to take it a minute at a time, though.) My husband, meanwhile, snoring peacefully in bed. (No, I didn’t throw a pillow at him like I wanted to.) One time he even pulled an extra pillow over his ear, without even waking up. I was flabbergasted and indignant. (No, I didn’t even throw a pillow at him then.)
I definitely love your blog and all the truths and insights about sex!
When it comes to cosleep I am definitely not agree… I have been living in Bolivia for over 3years in my twenties and saw how they handel the whole situation: if Baby/young child is tired, it sleeps. Period. No matter where, when or how much noise/light there is. As I saw this, I’ve decided I goanna do the same….
Today my husband an I have four kids under the ahe of 6. they all sleep in our room. We have a 1.60m bed, and two smaller bed standing on the side… The order is always different, but my husband puts them to sleep cuddling, praying and having some quality time with the 3olders (while Baby is with me) and as soon as thy sleep we moove them in order to cuddle him and me. They are all reall heavy sleepers, so spontanious sex is possible at that stage, they never wake up. But we did put a bed in the office-room just next door to the bedroom and are still in the making of the ultimate romantic place of the house. My husband and I just love our sleep situation, and we cultivate a close Family culture (nope, not co dependency or marriage with frustrated husband or rare sexlife… My men would like every night if possible, but we try to keep up with 2-3 in a week) I can take my kids to weddings, restaurants or conferences… When they are tired, they sleep in the middle of noise and lights. We then, when we are lesving are pickung them up, carry them in the car, put on their pijamas and put them to bed… They keep sleeping (or wake up for 5min and go right back to sleep) I loooove this and every one says we have the easiest kids ever. It doesn’t come without sacrifice (sharing bed/room space and snoring noise, one is a kicking girl) but we won’t let sex or our intimacy, cuddling be the sacrifice… thus is too importsnt to us!
We bed share with our babies until they turn 2 or 3 years of age. We have five children. We have sex about 10 times a week, sometimes more. Bed sharing does not equal less sex unless you want it to.
Babies who are breastfed and who sleep with their mothers have a substantially reduced risk of SIDS, both mom and baby get more quality sleep, and they are much more likely to have healthy sleep habits later on. The studies showing the dangers of “sleep training” are clear and it shouldn’t be done.
The number one reason mothers of babies and toddlers give for saying no to sex is fatigue. If dad wants the baby or toddler out of his bed, he can go and get the child during the night, bring him to his mother, and then take him back and settle him to sleep every.single.time. I can guarantee many dads would change their opinion pretty quickly if THEY were the ones getting out of bed multiple times a night.
Mom sleeps in the middle, No impediment to snuggling or sex. My husband showing compassion for the nighttime needs of our children and for my need for sleep, rather than acting like he’s the baby, is the biggest libido booster ever!
Babies sleeping separate from their mothers is a bizarre, modern, western invention. It is not biologically normal or healthy.
Yes!!!!
I agree with this this comment 100%.
YES thank you.
My wife and three year old daughter sleep in our bed and no room for me and I can’t stand it she makes our son who’s one almost two lay in his crib lights go out kiss and tell him ni night closes door and will let his fuss and tells me to let him be. But the three year old to throwers a freak fit when she doesn’t get to watch a show in bed or play on wife’s tablet. And when I say anything she flips out on me. I can’t stand it any longer I’m going too looseu mind. When I made my daughter a littlhouse bed (put a sheet over her bed and use house hold items to make ) got her to sleep in Her bed no problem, wife came home after 2am from work and was pissed and got her and brought her into our bed and looked at me in the worst way
HELP ME PL EASE. somone.
Lonely
Husband.
……we started cosleeping when my kid was about 2 months, now he is 1 month away grom being 3! I thought it was ok at first but maybe til he was about 6 but ny wife just did not wanted him to sleep alone because “it was too cold” so, now its being 3 years and we added another kid now 6 montjs that sleeps with us too, so were 4 in the bed. I dont even know how we all fit but cant even sleep some days. Also feel so apart from my wife ive even thought she dont care about our marriage…wtf what can i do, ive talked about it many times with her but…no luck
I am disappointed at these husbands who are separating ‘marriage’ from ‘family’.
God does not put this much emphasis on physicality. He emphasises children over and over again.
(We have sex almost every night, and we both love it. But it’s my HUSBAND who tells me ‘the most important thing is each other and our family, not sex.’) We are both pro cosleeping and plan to until our babies are toddlers.
If I may speak frankly, it sounds like many people here need to take a look at their priorities and communication skills.
“Forsaking all others” means putting NO ONE before your marriage relationship, not even your children. That is what keeps the family strong FOR the children. Allowing a wedge (or an 8 year old) to place itself between the parents does not provide security for the child. It does provide insecurity for the entire family because it causes unhappiness and resentment. Over time, there is no more unity. Someone is pushed out of their place as spouse.
When my youngest is married, I have already told her that I will be staying with her and her husband on their wedding night and I will be going with them on their honeymoon. She thinks it is cute and giggles right now, but she will have some hard explaining to do when her husband asks her why I am in the limo with them as it pulls away from the church steps.
We have one son who is two and when he was born, the nurses scared us to death because they thought his lungs weren’t fully developed and blurted it out before actually testing to see. Because of that, we made the mistake of letting him sleep in our bed. It was a decision we BOTH made and now that he’s two, we are having a very hard time getting him to even hear the words ‘big boy bed’.
Up to this point, it hasn’t really put a cramp in our sex life because we would just go to another room for that part of our time together. However, we are in the process of getting a new home and are staying at my mom and dad’s house and it is taking a LOT longer than expected to get things done. Usually, they are both out of state because my dad travels for work and she goes with him, but since we are here now, she has decided to stay at home even though she said she wouldn’t be in our hair. This has put huge strain on our sex life. She stays up all night so it isn’t like we have options for enjoying each other and since we don’t use babysitters, we can’t go to a hotel either.
I believe that we want to sleep with child only because of concerns about their health, as well as problems with falling asleep. I had a problem to calm down my baby, the CIO method and montessori didn’t give much. However, I tried the HWL, which Susan Urban proposes in her guide. After a month of working with Ernie, he finally fall asleep alone.
Valerie, thanks for sharing the info about the HWL method. After reading your comment I got ‘how to teach a baby to fall asleep alone’ ebook by Susan Urban and after 4 days my son started to sleep in his crib after 12 months of co-sleeping. Thanks a lot!
One of the few baby books I’ve read that offers realistic and relatable advice. Thanks for sharing the title!
Agreed! After only 2 days my son started to sleep in a crib! What else can I say…it works!
This book is literally a life-saver! Very well written, short and helpful.
I am a 49 years old man who can tell absolutely without any doubt co- sleeping os just another word for codependency. Now in not saying that’s it’s not cool when one or all the kids want to come and visit say 9am on a Saturday or Sunday. I also realize we live in Marshmallow World where everybody gets a trophy. I can also tell of looking to be a single female with kids, then by all means tell your husband that the kids more important than him. There literally millions of single females with kids looking for a man to give their attention to. WE ARE NOT LIVING IN A 3rd WORLD COUNTRY WITH 6 PEOPLE TO A ROOM. The parents bedroom is supposed to be sacred place of intimacy. A normal sex life hard enough without planting 1 or more mommie blockers. Then there are the evident loss of innocence issues that are inevitable. Be real kids now see way too much from movies and tv now days. The fact it’s hard enough keeping a family together why make it a near guaranteed fail. Mother’s if nothing else take a little from the old good book, where is God, husband then the kids, not the other why around. Or take from a man if you don’t make the man in your important part of your world, it will last so long and he WILL find someone that will.
You sound rather bitter. Also really inaccurate.
Hello, so I have a different question. I live with my parents, because my mom doesn’t want to live by herself, so I have accepted it as my role, in life, to support my parents. However, since the beginning they have not respected what I want for my child. He is 2 years old now, a toddler. From the day he was born, I taught him to be comfortable by himself, when he sleeps. When I put him in his own room, I left him to sleep by himself. However, one day, a table fell on his toe, and I told him not to climb on it, but grandpa insisted I’m too hard on him and I just left it, then the table fell on his toe, smashed it to smithereens. Anyway, so every night after bathing him, I took him to clean his toe, and this one night, he was crying a lot, because of his toe and my dad came in, and of course, immediately saved him from me. (that is what my toddler believes anyway). So, that night I put him to bed, as always, and since that night, he has woken up three times a night, crying. I am so exhausted. Last night however, I didn’t hear him when he woke and my husband neither, I presume we were really tired from the last 5 nights of torture. So of course, my mom went in and put on lights, opened his door, with light shining in, and wadayaknow. He went and slept in their bed. Now, I understand, for a marriage it isn’t healthy, but now I would like to know, is it healthy for your child to sleep with his grandparents? I can only imagine it is not right, since there has already been an atmosphere created, where my toddler gets away with everything when he is around my parents. Me and my husband are not allowed to discipline my son, when my parents are around, now add on an extra layer where he sleeps with them every night, don’t you think that will just erupt into something unhealthy? I have decided to let it go, and whatever happens happens, luckily a thing such as Karma exists, and one day when I’m living my separate life from theirs, they’ll have to be dealing with karma. I wont bat an eye.
Hi there,
Wow, that does sound like a lot! I don’t udnerstand something, though. You’re living with them because your mom doesn’t want to live by herself, but it sounds like your mom and dad are married and living together, so she wouldn’t be by herself?
Honestly, my big advice is to move out. You need to raise your child yourself. This is way too confusing for a child. You can support your parents without living with them, and it sounds like they’re not letting you parent your own child.
What does your husband feel about this? At this point, your first concern needs to be the well-being of your child, not the well-being of your mom. Your child comes first, and your child isn’t doing well in this environment, so as a parent, you do need to consider that. I hope that you can find a better arrangement!
This might be a bit late but my wife obsessed with our kid and now sleeps on an inflatable bed next to her. She watches her all the time and won’t let me spend any time with her. She’s even sabotaged it so our kid has not been to school for a year.
Any advice?
Phil, that is honestly not normal or healthy. Your child needs to be able to establish an identity apart from your wife, and your wife needs an identity apart from your daughter.
And your daughter does need an education–even if she’s homeschooled. She does need to be learning something.
I think you do need to intervene here. Perhaps see a counsellor or a mentor couple or someone that you respect so that you can come up with a gameplan of how you will handle this with your wife? Then pray hard, and do the hard thing. God doesn’t want your wife or your child emotionally stuck, and it sounds like your wife has some issues she does need to resolve.
Hello
I’ve read your article on cosleeping and the comments thereafter. I’m sitting with a similar yet different situation. I’m married now for almost 11 years and the first 6 years of that marriage was spent trying to have a baby. My wife would always miscarriage, about 5 times in those 6 years. We eventually found out she has endometriosis so we started going to a fertility clinic where we were told about IVF. We tried IVF about 5 times as well with zero success. This is were my story becomes different. We eventually went the adoption route and today we an awesome 5 year old boy. We got our son as a new born so he only knows us as his parents. Since our son came home from the hospital he has been sleeping in our bed. The first 3 years i didn’t mind but as he got older he became more and more clingy to my wife, his mom. i have to add that i also work shifts and my wife is a full day working mom. So when i first asked my wife when will our son go to his own room her response was that he was still too young which at the time i thought she was right as i too didn’t know if i was right or she was right as we both are first time parents. Just after my son turned three years old i moved to the spare room because i knew my wife wasn’t going to put our son in his own room. My wife wasn’t even upset, she just agreed. So now our sex life was basically non existent. As the article explains, i became distant and pulled myself away. Fast forward a couple of years, my son is about to turn 6 years old in June and i’m still sleeping in my room. We fight a lot more, like almost everyday, the word sex hasn’t been used in our house for almost a year, and every time i try and talk to her about it she just shuts me down as she has made up her mind. I’m at a loss here. I still love my wife so much and i love my son too. I feel guilty every time i bring up the sleeping situation due to her not being able to carry a child even though we have an awesome son i can see that it still bothers her. Please help me.