Baby showers can be hard.
When we’re carrying our own pain, it can be difficult to be joyous for others.
Today Christia Colquitt from Faith Filled Parenting joins us to talk about how she came to terms with being happy for someone else. I know baby showers can be hard especially for people with infertility, and that wasn’t Christia’s problem. She already had children. But when we lose a dream it can be so easy to focus on ourselves. I think Christia’s point of learning to see outside of ourselves and rejoice with others is so apt! I hope this encourages you today.
I am a mommy of five.
I love babies. I love children. And this past year, I was told by my doctor that it would not be safe for my health to bear more children. My husband and I had always agreed that we would continue to have children until God gave us a clear answer.
Enter March 2015.
My health issues began with a serious depressive disorder. It came out of nowhere, was coupled with anxiety, and my world literally came crashing down. After six months of searching for answers, starting a prescription drug, a vitamin supplement routine, a Paleo diet, and two surgeries, the professionals came to the conclusion that the hormone imbalance of my pregnancies caused the crash. My gallbladder and liver were both struggling due to the inflammation that these imbalances had caused. The road to recovery has been long, covered in prayer, and supported by the love of my family.
Today was the first time that I attended a baby shower since my crash.
And I was nervous and to be quite honest jealous with envy. That used to be me with the round belly feeling the flutters. And now it would never be me again. Memories of holding my babies for the first time flooded my thoughts. And the fact that my oldest just turned nine was still fresh in my mind.
As I laid in bed beside my husband the night before the shower, I just started to sob. Hot, messy, ugly tears flowed. My husband just held me. He knew. He knew my pain. He knew my fear. He knew what this was all about. And when the tears were over, I felt cleansed. I was so thankful that my husband did not try to “fix” the problem right away. He knew that I needed to just let it go. I needed that moment to cry in the arms of my husband. It was not until after I had settled down that he prayed over me. He asked God to open up my eyes to all my blessings, to others hurts, and to use my pain as a light to others. Having an open conversation with my husband about the hurt in my heart allowed me to move on.
And from my tears the night before, two incredible revelations came to me as I prepared for this event.
This is not about me. It is about that beautiful life God created for my friend.
It is her experience, and God calls me to “rejoice with those who rejoice.” I needed to search deeper than just be happy for her so I decided to go to Scripture.
In Philippians 4:12-13 Paul writes
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through (Christ) who gives me strength.
This passage resonated with me. I had been in need as I struggled through depression, and I had known plenty as God blessed me with five healthy children. So now it was time for me to find my strength in Christ. As Andy Stanley says “There is no win in comparisons.” Comparing was not going to get me anywhere.
One practical step I took was to pray.
When a jealous or envious thought entered, I took that thought captive to Christ and prayed for my friend. I prayed for her baby, for her delivery, for her as a parent, for her marriage those first few months. I prayed for those around me. Baby showers can be difficult for lots of women. Infertility, miscarriages, unhealthy marriages affect so many that celebrating someone else’s pregnancy can be difficult. Since I was always the one pregnant, I never stopped to think about what others might be feeling or thinking. They needed my prayers too. Maybe they had envious thoughts that needed redirecting and made new like mine. God knew my heart was in the right place, and I truly believe His reward was a sense of peace.
Today was a success.
Spiritually I grew. In prayer, I felt more connected to God and my friends. I was overjoyed to celebrate my friend and her upcoming new arrival. And I as I continue to heal, I hugged my kids a little tighter tonight. There may not be more babies for me in my future, but the ones God has blessed me with are perfect. Today I choose to be thankful and filled with joy.
Christia Colquitt is passionate about intentional parenting. She uses Faith Filled Parenting as a ministry to share parenting, home management, and marriage tips and tricks. She has started a series called How to Survive Zero to Thrive. Christia’s main goal is to help parents not only survive, but thrive during those early parenting years. Her husband is the punter for the Kansas City Chiefs and together they are homeschooling their five children. She hopes to inspire and encourage others as she shares her struggles through depression, health issues, and her journey to a Paleo lifestyle.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’m sorry but I find this really difficult to understand and disrespectful to people dealing with infertility.
A mother of five (!!!) finds it hard to attend baby showers because she can’t have more babies? What about those (like me) who are always attending baby showers but can never be a mom? I would be so grateful even if I would have only one child. I wonder if this mother realises how blessed she really is.
Barren, I am so, so sorry, and I definitely thought of that before I ran this post.
I really didn’t mean to cause any more pain.
But I guess what I’d say is this: We ALL have pain. Just because someone’s pain is worse than someone else’s doesn’t invalidate that pain. And I think God’s command to “rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” encompasses all of us. Just because one of us is weeping harder doesn’t mean that another doesn’t have the right to weep.
And that’s the point of this post–to help us to get out of our own hurts and think about others.
I’ve been through the death of a son, but does that mean that my pain is worse than someone else’s? I can say that God’s grace brought me through, and that God is showing me more and more everyday how much Christopher’s life meant. But one thing I’ve learned in the 19 years since he passed away is that we all feel and experience things differently. And there’s no point in trying to say, “you don’t have a right to feel that way”, or, perhaps even worse, “Oh, my goodness, that’s so terrible you’ll never get over it!” No, the point is not in either of the extremes. The point is just to sit beside someone and be with them when they’re hurting, about whatever it is. And it’s also to sit beside someone else and be with them when they’re rejoicing, even if that’s hard for you.
We all have different griefs. We all go through hard times. I often think, “I have no right to be upset with anything since I live in Canada! Imagine what people in North Korea are going through!” But God knows my pain and listens anyway. He doesn’t rank us. And I think that’s what the author is trying to say.
I’m sorry, I know we all have pain, but, like “Barren” mentioned, this is a really difficult post to swallow when the writer is crying about not having MORE children when she has 5. How are those of us dealing with infertility and the very real possibility of NEVER experiencing those moments of having a belly or holding a newborn supposed to sympathize?
Are you kidding?
Maybe God doesn’t rank our pain, but WE need to do a little better to be better and more sensitive to others, because the truth is, some pain IS a little bit more difficult to digest for some people because it IS greater.
Yes, you have the right to be upset at what happens in your life in Canada, but the truth is, I’d rather live in Canada (or the U.S.) because things ARE MUCH WORSE in North Korea…or Syria…or Cuba…or Kenya…and we could go on for hours. Sorry, they are. Doesn’t mean our troubles aren’t real, but compared to troubles other folks in the world have, well, sometimes, some of our troubles pale in comparison.
Sheila, you mentioned the loss of your son (and I’m very sorry; I’ve read your previous posts on this as well).
yes, we all have different grief and it is important to have someone to be there and listen and sympathize. We can recognize that and work towards.
HOWEVER, it IS very insensitive to post this and, essentially, say, “well, she has a right to feel bad too, so be a good Christian and sympathize with her. How dare you feel bad even though you wont even have a chance to have one baby, let alone 5?? Feel sympathy for THIS woman because her pain is real-figure out a way to deal with your pain…sure, pray about it, but don’t be selfish praying about your measly problems because THIS woman is obviously suffering and needs your prayers.”
Pray for her? Sure. Sympathize? That’s a really tough one.
This post absolutely breaks my heart. I totally get it — pain is completely subjective. We all feel it in different ways and are allowed to do that. I also have total anxiety and grief over baby showers. I had to pass on the last one I was invited to because the tears over my own barren womb were sure to flow in public, and I didn’t want that. But really, if you’re going to try to minister about infertility to a boatload of women who read your blog, try to do it from a more realistic spot. A woman who already has five blessings cannot possibly understand what I’m feeling. I just want one, just one baby! I read this post and can literally feel a pain in my chest because I think, how could she be so ungrateful for the children she already has? My husband and I have been trying for seven long years with not so much as one positive pregnancy test yet. It’s very difficult not to get bitter sometimes, but most days I know God is in control and has a plan for me.
In the future, if you want to really reach women who are struggling with infertility, maybe feature someone who actually can’t have any babies, not someone who has already been blessed with one five times over.
One of the most powerful things someone said to me after our fourth miscarriage (when I received a baby announcement) was this: “I know this is hard, but her announcement is not about you. It’s about her.”
Ugh, when my friend first said that, it hurt.
Because to me, it was about me! It was personal.
But as I’ve thought about her comment more, I’ve realized it’s true. Her announcement wasn’t meant to hurt me. Honestly, she probably didn’t even think of me when she sent me the text. She was excited and wanted to share. That was all.
Yeah, it’s super hard to celebrate with others when they are receiving the thing for which you’re praying. But it’s also a goal worth aiming for.
There might be a season when we need to pull back from these types of things, and that’s okay. We need to grieve what we’ve lost or the dreams that aren’t coming true. But as we grieve and grow, I have found that God will help us get to a place where we can rejoice with others more.
I’m inclined to agree with Barren’s comment. I know secondary infertility can be it’s own kind of challenging but this post does seem disrespectful to women who may never have one child, let alone five. I get the intent behind the post, but as an infertile myself it did seem like a slap in the face. I’m grateful to have a son now, but the pain of several years of infertility is something that sticks with you. I’m not saying this mother of five doesn’t have the right to grieve, but this post is very hard to take from an infertile’s point of view.
While it is clear that the Lord is working in her heart I don’t know that this is the best way to minister to those who can’t have children. I do understand that God gives everyone different stories and different pains to work through and her pain is just as important to God as mine, but to hear someone with five children say going to a baby shower is difficult is just hurtful.
Going to a baby shower when you can’t have children is a different thing entirely. Maybe this could have been written in a different perspective or by someone who has no childrwn. I am at a point in my life where everyone around me is fertile, that is everyone but me, and while I am and always so happy when I hear of another family being blessed with a child the sting is there also. I think do that we need to be more sensitive as sister in Christ.
Being barren is a hard road to travel, the thing that I am suppose to be able to do as a women I can’t. She made good points but I don’t know that many women who struggle with infertility will get past the fact that a women with five children is talking about how hard baby showers are. I’m just suggesting next time that this subject be treated with a little more sensitivity.
I must admit, I was a bit shocked when I read this as it is so out of kilter to the general tone and message of this blog and I was expecting a bit more of a backlash in the comments section. And I have no idea on how to say without sounding harsh or judgmental. Perhaps to not say anything at all? But, my impression of this article was that author had a serious case of “me-syndrome”, which will always cause someone pain when things don’t go their way. That’s a very different kind of pain to someone who has experienced a death, illness, or women who are barren, divorce, etc. I know that the point is to not compare, but honestly when you already have five children, and your pain comes from not having more – it is so hard to see that as legitimate pain, when I know couples who have tried for 10 years to have kids, and who would make the most loving parents, and cannot – for whatever reason – have children. I am glad she was able to move beyond herself to be happy for her friend, but honestly – it is hard to see why that would’ve been an issue in the first place. Had she not had children at all – then I could understand this article.
Agree totally with The Baby Mama about the “me-syndrome.” Yes, all pain is real. All pain hurts. But self-focus is at the heart of an awful lot of pain. In those cases, I suspect we’re better off helping that person learn how to work through letting go of their pain, than we are just trying to sympathize with them.
I also want to add that when physiological issues are in play, as they seem to have been for the author, that can definitely mess with your perspective on things, too. I just wanted to throw that out there for everyone who is puzzled about why a mother of five is grieving about not having (more) babies.
You know what’s heartbreaking? Reading the lack of grace in some of these comments toward our sister who wrote this post. I can’t imagine the intense pain of infertility; I myself am young and have already been blessed with two children. However, I want to respond because I have noticed something about women who struggle with it- they often come off sounding as if infertility is the be-all, end-all of pain. We all have our own journeys to walk, and yes, pain to suffer. There will always be someone who is going through something “worse” than you. The infertile can say to the mom of five: “At least you have five children!” The woman who was widowed young can say to the infertile: “At least you have a husband!” The unmarried 35 year old can say to the young widow: “At least you’ve been loved!” The woman with severe physical disabilities can say to the unmarried 35 year old: “At least you can have a job and can live a normal life!” Don’t you see how futile this comparison game is? Let’s choose to rejoice with this woman who has learned to cling to Christ and trust in him for her fulfillment! (After all, he is the only one who can truly know what each of us is going through.) Praise God for the healing of her spirit, for it is much more important than the healing of her mortal body.
I think the most important line in your comment is that you haven’t experienced infertility. I don’t think anyone is saying this mother of five isn’t allowed to feel pain, but we are saying that posting an article about being hard to attend baby showers written by a mother of five is very disrespectful to those of us who have suffered years of infertility. And while certainly there is pain greater than infertility, it is a hard road to walk. For the record, you come off sounding very judgmental about infertile women. Where’s the grace for us? I compare this article to one saying weddings are hard written by a happily married woman who didn’t get her dream wedding and is jealous of a bride that does. There would be outrage by widows for whom weddings would actually be challenging to attend.
Or someone in a 4000 square foot house sulking because they have to choose between a condo in Aspen or a beach house in South Beach.
Like most of the other women here, I had a miscarriage. I have not been able to conceive again. To have someone complain because their five healthy children aren’t enough to make them happy is … off-putting.
Heather and sunny-dee, I’m sorry. I hoped not to offend anyone by my comment. <3 <3 <3 I wanted to encourage you all to look beyond the issue (infertility) and see the restoration that she found in Christ. She wasn't complaining, she was rejoicing that she was able to come to a place of thankfulness and joy! And she and Sheila rightfully desired to share that triumph with you to encourage and build up, not in any way to belittle or tear down. That's grace, isn't it? If this article was one written by a woman who had endured infertility, never had a single child, and was stuck in the rut of bitterness, would Sheila have published it? Certainly not. Where is the edification in that?
As I said, I'm not infertile, so let me liken it to something in my own family. I have three disabled siblings, two of them very seriously. When friends come up to my parents and talk about struggles they may be having with their "normal" children, my parents don't put up their hand and say "Stop. That's offensive and heartbreaking. You should be thankful your child can do yadda yadda yadda…" even though maybe it IS hard for my parents to hear at times. That's just not the loving way to respond.
I hope you all find healing <3
Hi Gracie,
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. What you’re saying was certainly my intention; it was never to minimize anyone’s pain. It was simply to point people to Jesus in the midst of their pain, whatever it is, and let us know that real healing comes when we get our eyes off of ourselves and onto Him. I do appreciate it, and I do wish every woman would find real healing.
Gracie, I must agree with Heather, you didn’t show much grace to women who are unable to have any children at all. I have not endured that pain, but I like to think I am one of the mothers who ‘get it.’ Your comment about infertile women ‘..coming off as infertility being the be all and end all of pain..’ shows an immature attitude and how little you have tried to understand. They are not doing it deliberately. They don’t want to feel like that. I do not understand, however where the mother of five is coming from, I really don’t. I just hope that her ‘pain’ was never, ever shown in front of genuinely infertile women, and I hope she has really learnt to count her blessings. All five of them! I suggest you have a look at some of the infertility websites such as ‘Gateway Women’, read some of their testimonies, then you’ll know ‘what’s heart breaking’.