Is it selfish to want to marry a virgin?
Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today I’ve actually asked a friend of mine, Danielle Tate from Thrive Ministries, to try to handle this one. Danielle’s written before for me about soul ties when we have sex with someone, and I thought she’d be a great person to give this one to.
And since we talked so much about the purity culture last week, I thought this one was a good follow-up to tackle today!
Here’s Danielle:
The purity movement has nobly attempted to keep young men and woman from engaging in sexual activity before marriage with a heightened awareness that sexual behavior before the blessed union is morally and biblically wrong. While parts this culture of purity are right and biblical truth cannot be ignored, the purity movement has, in many ways, fallen short of equipping our youth to deal with real-life situations.
A college-age male reader recently wrote into Sheila with the following question:
Reader Question
During my teenage years I rejected sex several times believing deep down from my heart it was wrong to do it before marriage……….I feel discouraged to eventually find a possible partner. I cannot date a non-virgin woman without feeling it’s completely wrong. I read several of your guides trying to find an answer. On “why you should wait for sex until marriage” I agree with all your views but at the same time it fueled my determination to not date a non-virgin (because we won’t bond, etc) Do you think is healthy to discard partners based on their virginity? What can I do?
Let’s dissect this today!
What great determination you had in your teen years! Those are the most difficult times to withstand the temptation of sexual behavior. Now that you’re in college, as you see, things begin to get a little complicated.
If we lived in a black and white world I’d tell you to only marry a virgin. I’d also say that the best way to stop a truck-load of bagging from entering your marriage is to marry a virgin:
- Who has never watched, read or listened to non-Christian media
- Whose family line has never seen a divorce
- Whose parents, grandparent and great grandparents never had premarital sex
- Whose family generations never struggled with addictive or abusive behavior
- Who has never said a swear word
- Who hasn’t gotten mad at her mother, father or siblings
- Who isn’t the least bit selfish
Basically, I’d tell you to marry someone who is perfect.
The problem with this, and it’s a big one, is that we do not live in a perfect world. It’s not even close. There is nothing wrong with setting standards for yourself deciding who you want to marry, but they must be standards based on what God has laid on your heart, not what man, Christian or not, has determined to be right or wrong.
There is nothing wrong with setting standards for yourself deciding who you want to marry, but they must be standards based on what God has laid on your heart.
“What if I Can’t Bond With My Non-Virgin Spouse?”
Bonding in the terms of a life-long relationship comes in three forms: physical, emotional and spiritual.
And what if you can’t bond with your virgin spouse?!? There’s no guarantee that two virgins getting married will find themselves in a world of marital bliss. Ask anyone who is married and they will tell you that even the most sheltered of individuals find themselves in a relationship where hurts happen and bonding is difficult.
Many couples feel they are totally compatible before marriage but they find themselves in a world of adjustments, negations, hurts and healings as they begin to do life together.
Virginity is no guarantee of a perfectly bonded marriage.
The bottom line is this: bonding in marriage takes work. Sure, you’ll physically bond when you have a sexual encounter, but the emotional and spiritual bonding takes time and effort.
Why Sex Should Be Saved for Marriage:
“But they had sex, how do I get past that?”
If the Lord puts before you someone to love, that someone is never going to be perfect and may indeed have a sexual history. Perhaps you are part of their healing journey! Premarital sexual acts are unwise practice because it leads to unhealthy bonds and baggage that will carry into a marriage if not properly dealt with.
For many, there lies the hesitation in marrying someone who has sexual experiences. Thankfully we serve a Jehovah Rophe, The Lord who heals. In fact, in the Bible God speaks of himself as Jehovah who heals in Exodus 15:26. There is nothing too shameful or sinful that God cannot bring healing and restoration.
I would encourage you to gain an understanding of the ever-lasting effects of sexual activity. Understand that someone does not have to be bound to their past. If they are ready to receive healing from the soul ties created in unhealthy relationships you can help them by being knowledgeable about breaking soul ties. One’s virginity and “purity” might be lost in man’s eyes, but God our healer and restore can make all things new!
If all you can see when you look at someone is their sexual past, then dare I say: you are not looking with the love of Christ. Where will you draw the line? What if you marry someone who thinks they were a virgin and later it comes out in counseling or a family scandal that they were sexually abused a child? What if they were raped?
God didn’t highlight sexual sin because it was unforgivable, but because He knew just how deep the roots of would grow. These roots grow if the sin was willful or at the hands of another.
If you want to get past their past, you have to give them the grace God has given you in every sin you’ve committed. We’re told not to look at the plank in someone else’s eye before removing the speck from our own.
I would also add, are you concerned more with their sexual indiscretions or the fact that it would make you look bad to marry someone who is not a virgin?
What Factors Are You Looking At In A Potential Spouse?
If someone catches your eye or you feel a little connection between the two of you, when are you asking the ultimate Virgin Question? Are you getting to know them, spending time with them first?
A solid relationship is more than your sexual experiences, and if you are focusing only on their virgin card you may be missing the forest for the trees. Even if you’ve written a detailed Wife List (or Husband List for the ladies), you may find the one God is leading you to marry does not match every single thing you wanted in a spouse.
If you have not written a Wife List I would encourage you to write one. What does a biblical woman look like to you? If marrying someone who is a virgin is non-negotiable for you, that’s okay–but please don’t make that your sole factor in finding a spouse.
Ultimately, it is up to you and God if you should consider dating or marrying a non-virgin. So examine your heart and decide if this is God’s desire for you, or if it’s just a religious mindset.
Thanks so much, Danielle! And I agree–it can be a real disappointment when we have saved ourselves for marriage to realize the person we love has not. But I love what Danielle said: what if we are part of their healing journey? So examine your heart and see why you’re saying no. Make sure it’s for a legitimate reason! And then, if you do go ahead and proceed towards marriage with someone who isn’t a virgin, make sure that you can truly put their sexual past behind you before you get married. If you decide to marry, then you also decide to let it be.
Now let me know in the comments: What do you think? Is it hard to marry someone who isn’t a virgin (if you are one?)
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila and Danielle, thank you so much for your thoughtful responses to this young man. I thought I’d add a personal experience to further encourage him. First, I’d like to say that it is wonderful to hear of a young man who is determined to refrain from sexual activity until marriage. But I hope that he takes your advice and doesn’t discount a woman simply because she has not.
I speak from experience because I was not a virgin on our wedding day, but my husband was. I lost my virginity before I became a Christian. After I came to know Christ and learned to submit to His will, I repented and changed my ways. I was concerned, however, with finding a Christian man who would love and accept me as I was: Imperfect, scarred, sinful. There were many times that I didn’t feel lovable, even though my Lord and Savior said otherwise. I thought He was the only Man who would ever love me.
And then I met my future husband. I told him on our second date that I was not a virgin. I was so scared he’d never want to see me again. But he reacted with understanding and acceptance. He never holds it against me, never brings it up. And that is how he is to this very day. You see, just because I no longer sin sexually does not mean that I’m not still an imperfect sinner. I still need my husband’s understanding and acceptance, along with his forgiveness and mercy, on a regular basis because I am not perfect. I am blessed each and every time that he freely gives these things, and I strive to freely give them in return. I call him my miracle, because that’s what he is to me.
We live in a fallen world, but we have redemption in Christ. And we are called to be like Christ. This means that we don’t hold the sins of others against them once they have repented and asked for forgiveness.
So to the young man who wrote in: Please know that your future bride will be a sinful human being because we live in a fallen world. But if you see her and love her as Christ sees and loves her, you can get past anything. That’s what Jesus does for us. Once you are married, both of you will make mistakes, you will sin, and you will need the forgiveness of Christ and each other. If you are unable to look past these things now, then you will struggle in marriage when you discover just how much (daily) grace marriage requires on the part of both spouses. Don’t just strive to remain a virgin until marriage for the sake of being a virgin. Strive to remain a virgin (and avoid all other sinful thoughts and actions) because you want to be more like Christ and the rest of it will more easily fall into place.
One factor to consider in a future spouse much more important than whether or not they have sinned sexually is whether or not they follow Christ with all that they are. This is what will make the difference in your marriage.
One last thought: In terms of bonding with your future wife if she has a sexual history, I will say this: I am more emotionally, physically, and spiritually bonded to my husband than to anyone else on this earth. The only One I am closer to is Christ. A big part of this is that my husband knows all of me, everything about me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And he loves me anyway. Just as I do him. This kind of love is only possible because we have Christ.
That’s so beautiful, Bree! Thank you for sharing that.
Bree,
What a wonderful example of God’s grace and mercy shown through your husband. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray it’s an encouragement to the young man, and others, with questions about their future spouse.
So sweet to hear this from someone in a marriage like mine. I was a virgin before I married but my wife was not. I am glad to know a woman can bond more with her loving, forgiving and merciful husband more than any other man from her past!
I have been tormented for 43 years knowing my wife was not a virgin when I married her . Neither was I . Like most men we have a double standard that we live by. On numerous occasions even until most recently I found it necessary to question My wife of her sexual activity with her former boyfriend . That scenario changed in numerous occasions . She even swore on our grandchildren’s lives that he penetrated her just once by force after numerous refusals by her . I cannot believe this and I truely feel that they had an ongoing sexual relationship for years . It’s unreal how she lied about the amount of times or the swearing on our grandchildren . It has gotten to the point I lost most of the respect I had for her . She found it necessary to tell me some details after repeated questioning by me of this topic of her sexual past with him. Her former boyfriend nearly 50 years ago . Maybe it is me with the issues Perhaps if she made it a point to be open with me and explain her sexual past and not me forcing it out of her it might have been better for our marriage. Or perhaps with a combination of a life of extrem hardship and happiness it’s her non virginity and sexual past which are the punching bag to life’s ups and downs which we and our sons have encountered in life.
Charles, I’m finding it interesting that you’re so sure that it’s your wife’s past that has wrecked your marriage, and that she should have told you earlier. Why? You’ve made it quite clear in this comment that you’re not a safe person, and that you would not accept her if she enjoyed sex or had sex with someone else, even though you did, too. If your marriage is in trouble, perhaps you should look in the mirror, rather than blaming her for something you did as well.
Danielle, thank you for your thoughtful response to this college-age male and, in particular, where you wrote, “If marrying someone who is a virgin is non-negotiable for you, that’s okay–but please don’t make that your sole factor in finding a spouse.”
This guy has to be very careful with the application of his virginity criterion. He needs to determine the reasons why his partner is a virgin. Does she believe deep down, like him, that it is wrong to do before marriage or are there possibly other reasons which may not be readily apparent? He can be fooled into equating virginity with virtue when the virginity may actually be the result of low libido, lack of interest, possible bi-sexual or even lesbian orientation, sex is dirty, etc.
I believe he is facing a very difficult job.
Yes Joe, this alone can lead to a whole host of other issues side issues if other factors aren’t taken into consideration.
An excellent point — don’t forget to add poor body image and low self confidence so never found a boyfriend even though she wanted one, to that list!
Okay, I think this is crossing the line a bit. In this thread I see discussions about someone being bi-sexual or unable to get a boyfriend as reasons for being a virgin. If a man inquired as to whether or not I was a virgin for some untoward reasons, as if there’s something wrong with it, I might end the relationship. I understand that most in society are not virgins, so there would be too many to look down on if I looked down on someone for that. Life happens and people make mistakes; I have sinned in other ways and needed Grace. So, I extend what I hope to receive. On the other hand, it shouldn’t turn into, “Maybe there’s something unnatural or wrong about being a virgin.”
Well said, Stephanie. After all, non-virgins wouldn’t like it if virgins shamed them for irrecoverably having thrown away one of the most valuable gifts that God intended for them to give to their spouse upon marriage, right?
To Joe, Danielle, and unmowngrass:
How would you like it if your virgin boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance looked down upon your own past sexual history (if you don’t have any, then imagine that you do) and then became suddenly very guarded and interrogates you repeatedly about the details of your sexual history, like how Charles was doing to his wife (except that he wasn’t a virgin either).
There are more than enough people in today’s society who wear promiscuity like a badge of honor and shame those who fight hard to preserve their virginity as one might fight to defend one’s honor. Nowadays, it takes a whole lot of courage and resolve to brave the stigma of preserving one’s virginity rather than losing it at the first chance one gets, especially for teenagers and young adults. It’s ridiculously easy, especially for girls, to lose one’s virginity, if that’s what they want to do. But once lost, it can never be recovered, and like the Soul Tie post explains, if you choose to “lose” your virginity prior to marriage, you’d also gain a whole lot of baggage in return, which you will have to work hard on overcoming later.
So unless you want virgins to assume that all non-virgins are immoral prostitutes or something, please don’t insinuate that people don’t generally remain a virgin unless they didn’t have a choice or something’s wrong with them.
Here’s my question… What do you do, in the aftermath of when those feelings arise after choosing to marry someone with sexual experience? I can’t help but compare myself to this other woman–she’s beautiful, intelligent, and has a successful career as a lawyer, and I’m just not those things. How can he NOT compare me to her, think about her? It eats away at me, when my husband and I are intimate and all I can think about is “well did he touch her like that??” I love my husband so much and thought that wouldn’t matter, but I guess it matters a lot more than I thought when we were just dating/engaged
Kate, I hope you don’t mind that I’m addressing you, but I wanted to tell you of an article I read years ago. It was about how others perceive us based on how we perceive ourselves. For example, if we put ourselves down, those close to us will try to reassure us. The funny thing is that if we repeatedly put ourselves down, others may actually start BELIEVING what we’re saying! Isn’t that crazy?
You need to remember that your husband loves YOU and that he married YOU. Act confident and remember that comparisons do nothing but steal joy. Savor your love. Remind your husband of why he married you — not from a place of insecurity but rather from a place of thoroughly celebrating your life journey, the journey that God created just for the two of you.
Best wishes!
My husband had a few partners before we met. But there have only been a few times I’ve even thought about that aspect of his life. We read a book –can’t think of the name–while we were engaged that was talking about purity before marrage, (not one of “those”) and when we got to the chapter about what if you are not pure. I was so relieved hearing about the grace of God applied in this situation. God helped me to forget his past and live in our present. We’re coming up on 29 years together.
Elena said it best in her other comment. “I’ve also learned that that kind of thinking is nonproductive and serves no purpose except to breed discontent. ”
The Bible tells us that the Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy. Lingering thoughts like those are stealing your pleasure, killing your intimacy and destroying part of our marriage.
Have you discussed this with him? It’s okay to tell him you’re struggling in a non-judgmental way. You cannot compete with the woman of his past and I doubt he really is comparing the two of you.
Kate,
Can I be gently but honestly blunt here? You have to STOP comparing yourself to his past. NOW. If praying is not enough, seek biblical counseling, if that’s not enough seek professional counseling. If you don’t rein control of this it will erode the foundation of your marriage. I am speaking from experience. In my case my husband DID share those type of things with me early on in our marriage. It haunted me for years. Until time has finally helped ease the wounds that shouldn’t have been there.
Thinking about HER while you and him are intimate is just as bad as erotica, fantasy or pornography. You are bringing a third party into your intimate, most vulnerable part of your relationship. He’s moved on…you need to also.
I know it’s hard. I know it hurts. I know the jealousy and the ache. But it WILL destroy your relationship if you don’t stop.
I will pray that you find peace in this area.
Hi Kate, I know you posted this a LONG time ago, but I just came across it. I was just wondering if you ever found a resolution in your struggle mentioned here? I’m in the same boat and am trying to look at my struggle from the standpoint of it helping me be more forgiving/loving, but it is tough, especially once you’ve already made the commitment of marriage. Any advice? I mean, it feels good to read all these other stories of women in the same situation and their healthy perspectives as well as to know I’m not alone, but your comment really resonated with me and I wonder if/how you’ve overcome your insecurities of him having experience you don’t in that sensitive area?
Hi Kate. I realize you wrote this about 4 years ago, but I’m curious if you’ve found a way through your struggle? I’m in the same boat in that I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal after marriage, but am finding it to be more of a difficulty for me in my marriage than I thought it would be. I sought secular counseling, but that led me down a very bad path and am now feeling an attack of the enemy like never before. I guess I’m hoping you have some good news and strategy to share with someone who is in the same boat you are (or hopefully WERE) in?
I was a virgin on my wedding night. My husband was not. In a perfect world, he would have been. On the other hand, he is perfect for me. I can still recall almost every detail of our wedding night over 28 years ago. I marvel at the wisdom of God and how he designed something so beautiful to draw two people together.
Have I ever wondered what it might have been like to marry another virgin and experience the newness together? Of course I have, but I’ve also learned that that kind of thinking is nonproductive and serves no purpose except to breed discontent. What my husband and I have is what matters. There have been times in the past where we’ve both felt a little sad that he couldn’t have experienced what I did, but it is what it is. As followers of Christ, we all make mistakes, ask for forgiveness and move on even though there may be lingering consequences (in my husband’s case, regret). Strangely enough, I’ve never felt threatened by his experience. Maybe it’s because I know he has only loved me and because he has told me many times that he wishes he had waited for me.
“I’ve also learned that that kind of thinking is nonproductive and serves no purpose except to breed discontent. ” I love this Elena! You are exactly right not to focus on that.
Neither my husband and I were virgins and on occasion over the years the thought crossed my mind as to what it would have like but it’s not a place to dwell. We cannot change the past, we can only bask in the presence of our Savior and know that all of our sins are washed away…every.single.one!
Spencer Harmon wrote a BEAUTIFUL blog post on this subject called “My Wife Has Tattoos: Marriage, New Birth, and the Gospel”:
https://unspokenblog.wordpress.com/2014/04/26/my-wife-has-tattoos-marriage-new-birth-and-the-gospel/
Bree and Joe made such great points that you cannot necessarily equate “virginity” with “virtue.” What matters is whether this person is truly living in submission to Christ now—regardless of what he or she hasn’t done. Of course, none of us submit perfectly, but virginity itself is not an indicator of whether someone is pursuing Christ.
I only wanted to marry a virgin. Friends would try to set me up, and my first question was always, “Is he a virgin?” One friend told me I was being really judgemental toward non-virgins, especially people who couldn’t help it (like if they were raped). The truth is, I did not look down on someone for not being a virgin. It wasn’t as though they weren’t good enough for me, but I have always been SO curious about sex and it was always a HUGE deal to me. I knew I’d be way too insecure and jealous if my spouse had already had sex. People can say that’s a flaw that I needed to iron out, but the truth is, it was MY relationship to be had, so why should I have to fix something when it was genuinely a desire of my heart? God knew the desire of my heart, and I used to pray that even if “the one” for me (though I don’t believe in the “one” like its some predetermined fate) had already had sex, I wanted someone else! That sounds harsh, but again, it was my relationship to desire. Anyway, long story short, I did, in fact, marry a virgin. I’m so glad I did. I just couldn’t handle the insecurity if I hadn’t. And that’s ok…because it was easier to stay single than have to deal with that. We all have specific traits we are looking for in a person. It’s up to you whether you want to have to work on getting past your partner’s past, or just be willing to stay single until you find someone who is a virgin. In my opinion, both options are fine!
I’m so glad persons like you still exist ^^
I’m pretty much the same, 24 and still a virgin, and I will remain until I find a girl I know I will spend the rest of my life with, I know, I feel so strongly that she has to be a virgin too, and I don’t really know why, it’s somehow just so deeply written in my heart, I just think it’s so important, and I’m not actually religious at all, it’s just as I was born with it… I just so deeply believe in one love only, that when you have multiple partners you simply can’t bond that much with any of them, I just feel it as a form of cheating…. And I think I can see the difference between virgin and non-virgin girls, at least I was right about all of the few girls that I managed to ask about it, and it’s that I see some kind of unspeakable beauty in the girls who still haven’t had any partners, especially the ones that haven’t been in any relationships yet, something so beautiful, just the look in their eyes, that it completely overshadows all the physical beauty a girl can have……
And on the other hand, I met a lot of really gorgeous girls, who had relationships with other guys, and I always felt when I looked in their eyes that something so great, so important was missing, that for some reason we would never be able to love each other like we should, to completely surrender to each other, like they lost some faith in love and locked the parts of their heart which became just unreachable…. And though I think they wanted to be in a relationship with me (I am in fact quite attractive and successful ^^), every time I eventually backed off, every time reassured of how important it is, at least for me, that beauty, that purity of heart I could find only in girls who still haven’t had any partners…… And I’m growing so desperate lately cause I simply don’t know how and where to “effectively” search for the girl of my life, and to find her on time is basically the most important thing to me in my life……..
You said correctly.
Hi!! I am like you.. when I was younger, virginity is one of the traits I want in a man. But now I am 27 years old, it gets to the point that I realized that actually is the number one trait in my list. I find myself turned off at non-virgin guys. You are lucky you found a virgin man to marry may he stays pure throughout his life and you the same, only having each other and no one else. I am not compromising, I know in my self that I dont want a non-virgin man. It is a virgin or I will stay single and a virgin forever.
Makayla,
But what if you had met and fallen in love with a non-virgin?
I’m glad you wrote about this! I had in my mind as amount woman/teenager that I would marry a virgin. However, a few months into my relationship with my now husband, he revealed that he was not a virgin. He had sex one time with a previous girlfriend. This was a big deal to me. I had to take some time and really think about if I wanted to end the relationship or not. I decided that I wouldn’t want someone to break up with me for past sexual sins (although I was a virgin technically, I definitely had done a few things that were not pure before marriage). How could I judge him when I wouldn’t want to be judged either?
10 years later, I rarely think about it and we have a happy relationship (sexual and otherwise!). I’m glad the Lord led me to the decision to stay with him.
As a side note, I did struggle with vaginismus when we were first married! I’m so glad you’ve been posting about it, Sheila. I felt like…I wasn’t a woman and NO ONE I knew was struggling with it to when I was going through it. I think that whole idea, “Maybe I should break up with him because he’s not a virgin?” also stemmed from the harmful purity culture my church and family emphasized so greatly. That’s definitely something that contributed to my vaginismus! Fortunately, my husband was SO patient and understanding and a psychology major friend who I had confided in led me to figure out what was going on! I went to counseling and used vaginal dilators and it only took me less than 5 months to have intercourse. THANK YOU Sheila, for posts like this!
Yours is a prime example of how, “I will marry a virgin,” becomes a not so cut and dry thing.
Blessings to you!
You’re so welcome, Laura! And I’m glad you’re on the other side of the vaginismus, too. Yay!
This was such an interesting topic to have for a blog post! Danielle, I think you did an amazing job handling this subject in a loving, yet honest and realistic manner. I’ve been a follower of this blog for some time now, but I’ve never commented on any of the posts up until this point. Today I felt particularly convicted to share my personal experience in hopes that this college-aged man might gain some perspective from that of a female college-aged virgin. Just some background, I am 18 years old, a virgin, have yet to have my first kiss. I did not spend most of my childhood and early teen years in a consistent church setting mostly because I moved so many times, but I did end up getting involved in a youth group when I was 16. In my youth group, sex was not something heavily discussed other than the standard “purity message” discussing saving sex for marriage and using visual illustrations (like paper and duct tape) to represent the ramifications of sexual impurity. The funny thing is, my youth group had many discussions about the struggles boys had with pornography and lust. At one youth event, boys actually got to dictate the dress code for the girls because the boys claimed they “didn’t want to struggle.” Sadly, the girls were not allowed to do the same for the boys! Female sexuality was NEVER discussed at this church; however, there was an unspoken agreement between members of the youth group in regards to girls who struggled with sexual sins, especially masturbation. Said women were viewed as the absolute lowest of the low, some even acted like women who struggled with masturbation were vile, dirty, and mentally unstable creatures. I have personally struggled with masturbation for many years due to my unfortunately high sex drive and some hormonal imbalances. This is absolutely not an excuse because I believe masturbation is sinful and I loathed myself for MANY years because of my “secret sin,” but the negative attitude towards female sexual struggles was like a slap to the face. I have only told maybe three people about my struggle because I felt so much shame. Of the girls in my high school youth group (~20-30 kids total), I would say about half of the girls struggle with sexual sins, especially masturbation and/or premarital sex. Many of these girls have high sex drives and feel shame and disgust (like I did) because the youth leaders essentially taught that only boys struggle with those kind of sins; girls aren’t visual, girls aren’t a bag of hormones like boys. Girls were taught to be virgins, otherwise we were silently viewed as “damaged goods.” Of the girls who struggled with masturbation (~5 girls) I believe all of them, except possibly one, were virgins. Not only were these girls virgins, but they were the sweetest, kindest, most unassuming people to struggle with “such a sin.” We were never taught anything about our sexual desires or that feeling sexual is a normal, healthy part of being a human and a woman, but that we needed to learn to control those desires. I believe many girls, myself included, turned to masturbation because we felt unable to control or understand our sexual desires. We did know that sex was wrong and the loss of our virginities was unbearable to think about. Most of the girls don’t know how many other girls in the YG actually struggle with these types of sins because they feel so much guilt and shame that they never seek help; I found out because multiple girls opened up to me. Obviously, my experience is at one YG in one part of the country and cannot be used to generalize every YG or every young woman’s struggles. However, I just want to point this out: just because a girl is a virgin does not necessarily mean she will not have sexual related issues or other serious struggles. Maybe other female virgins are better women than me and I am in a minoriry here, but I think it’s dangerous to assume that just because a woman is a virgin she will not have any issues with sexual sins, low libido, self esteem issues, etc… I fully support this young man’s endeavor to maintain chastity and I think everyone should strive to remain a virgin until marriage because God asks us to. With that being said, many people are NOT virgins today — which is truly heartbreaking 🙁 — yet are incredible followers of Christ who use their past sins as a way to show Jesus to others. I am not condoning sexual promiscuity, nor am I suggesting masturbation is not sinful; I simply believe that virginity in a spouse, while important, should not be the end all be all. I would love to marry a fellow virgin, but if I don’t, I am okay with that. I would much rather find a genuinely Godly man who loves me over turning down loads of fantastic Christian men because they are not virgins. I will add one last thing: back when my parents were teens/20 somethings, people used to get blood samples drawn before they were allowed to legally marry. From my understanding, this was to see if either spouse had any sexual diseases that could cause problems down the road. If an individual did have an STI/STD, they could get it treated (if possible) or if treatment was impossible, the couple could decide whether to continue with the marriage. I don’t see any reason why married couples don’t do this currently; I think anyone who has had any sex should get a blood test done to check for STIs just for safety precautions. I think there’s nothing wrong with a couple getting blood tests done before a wedding. Just my $0.02. At the end of the day, Christ forgives us of all our sins — even sexual sins that some people seem to deem unforgivable — and I believe that extending love, forgiveness, and grace to a spouse who had sex before marriage is an excellent way to exemplify Christ’s love and forgiveness towards us. I’m so sorry for the long post, but I do hope this is helpful to someone out there. Thanks again for the great blog post!
Becky,
I know you wrote this a while ago but I wanted to thank you for sharing your story! I could totally relate. I’m a 30-year-old virgin and I struggled with lust and masturbation as a teenager also (I was already saved at the time). I thought that only guys struggled with this, so I felt especially dirty and shameful. But my sex drive was (and is still) pretty high and I just couldn’t stop. I didn’t tell ANYONE from my church what I was going through. I was so afraid of being judged. Fortunately, I met some Christian female friends after college that shared the same issues as me. We kept (and still keep) one another accountable and I have grown spiritually since then.
For anyone that insists on marrying a virgin because they’re more “pure”, please consider re-evaluating. Now if you believe God has placed that desire on your heart, go for it! Hold fast to that and keep the faith! But don’t pursue it because of a false assumption. My current boyfriend and I are virgins, but he, like me, has had issues with lust and masturbation. Through prayer, fasting, and the Word of God, I have learned to re-program my mind to not dwell on thinking about him sexually as a coping mechanism when I’m lonely, stressed, etc. Old habits die hard and I’m still on that journey! Fortunately, we have made steps to walk in wisdom with our boundaries around physical intimacy. We also talk about when we are struggling with lustful thoughts, pray for one another through it, and modify boundaries accordingly (ex: kissing on the lips and the neck is completely off the table now). We’re not having sex but it’s still a battle!
Not all virgins will have had the same struggles as I did, but don’t walk in blindly while dating. If you’re dating a virgin and want to get to know them more, ask them the hard questions when it’s time to talk about the hard stuff. Ask if they’ve been addicted to pornography (including women!) or have struggled with masturbation. Don’t let the talk stop at whether he/she has had sex. They may or may not be actively healing from these sinful behavior patterns (if they’re doing them, of course). But if you don’t ask, you won’t know.
Awesome post, Danielle!
Sheila, Danielle,
I definitely understand your desire to marry a virgin. I had the same desire. I felt it was the only possible thing God could want for me. I was in my forties – and still a virgin myself – when God had a surprise for me.
During the months my husband and I were dating I wrestled with God a great deal. I knew the feelings that were developing in my heart, and I was more surprised than anyone at the bonding (to use your word) that developed between us. I studied Scripture, read theology, and shed a lot of tears. I only proceeded with marriage when I was clear in my own heart and before God that this was the man He had for me.
Over 7 years later there is not a day that goes by that I’m not thankful for my husband. God knew who I needed.
Danielle, I would just encourage you to let God have the final say. Don’t “settle,”, but don’t refuse God’s gift to you.
Thank you for writing about this, Sheila.
Neither my wife nor I had had sex before our wedding night. While I readily accept that God can and does forgive the sinner who truly repents we feel very blessed that neither of us has ‘known’ anyone else than each other. Over 40 years later we are more in love than ever. We pray for our marriage every night before sleep and I thank God for my wife every day (and sometimes several times a day).
You are blessed P! It seems there are fewer and fewer couples who are known only to their spouse these days. You guys have a beautiful thing! Congratulations on the 40 plus yeas as well. Another wonderful blessing!
My one caution is that people do need to apply some wisdom here. God can certainly call some people to marry non-virgins, but there also people who see the Church as a reservoir of “nice” people and who live life with the assumption that they can always “come to Jesus” when they get tired of partying and sleeping around. That’s why I think people shouldn’t feel pressured to get over or just accept someone’s past. You shouldn’t live in judgement over people who sin differently from yourself, but it’s also ok to go slowly and really seek to discern the will of God. You can think someone is really and truly saved and a beloved child of God without feeling like you have to link your life up with this person.
Also, the Bible does say that sexual sin _is_ different in that it’s a sin against our own bodies, so I don’t think it’s quite fair to just say that you can’t have an opinion about sexual sin unless you also say you wouldn’t marry anyone who ever told a lie. That’s not how those things are treated in the Bible. Again, not saying that sexual sins are worse or make someone unmarriageble, but they are different in some respects.
Indeed you are right Natalie. Sexual sins are heavy and much, much baggage accompanies those sins.
There’s no need to just “get over it” but I do believe that virginity as a sole factor for qualifying someone as marriage material needs serious examination.
Natalie,
You verbalized so well something I had been thinking myself. The modern church DOES make it very easy for insincere people to just claim that they are Christian when they have had enough of sleeping around and decide it’s time to settle down with a proper girl or guy. Real Christians can get preyed on if they’re not careful because they are often shamed by other well-meaning but misguided Christians when they try to exert their own desires and personalities, or when they try to be anything other than a vanilla doormat. As a result, many Christians who grow up within the church feel guilted whenever they try to exercise judgment or discernment, or try to exert their boundaries.
From a man who was in this same situation 16 years ago I can say it is selfish. I had af about a dozen attributes I was looking for in a future wife and a virgin was on my list. After several dates my girlfriend told me she wasn’t a virgin. I have forgiven her and I don’t bring it up. She had the 11 or so other qualities I was looking for. Although we almost didn’t make it to our wedding pure with each other, we did by the grace of God.
However, I cannot begin to express the extreme disappointment In our sexual relationship because of that baggage brought into the marriage bed. This is the only area where our marriage has been a near failure. My wife won’t let me touch her private parts, on the very few times I was able to get her close to the big “O” orally she wanted to stop right at the top of the hill so to speak (I can’t fathom that willpower) . Just last year we were able to discuss this issue as for her it’s always been off limits. You see, every year or so we discuss how our marriage is going and she thinks it’s great and I think it’s all pretty good except for our sexual relationship. She always says she’ll pray about it, and she’ll try harder, etc, but it’s always the same. I have bought books (including the good girls guide) and she will read them but never put anything into practice. For years I thought she had been sexually abused or sexually assaulted but that isn’t the case.
We made a major breakthrough last year when she told me her problem is she cannot forgive herself but she believes God has forgiven her through Christ. She knows I have forgiven her and I don’t bring it up. She believes she should not be allowed to enjoy sex as a punishment for her not being a virgin when we got married. Even after this breakthrough of last year, nothing has changed.
To be completely honest, even though we have a good marriage, if I would have known then what I do know now, the baggage and disfunction that came into our marriage bed, I probably wouldn’t have married my wife. You see, I have forgiven her and never mention it, God has forgiven her, but somehow, even knowing the grace of God through Christ, she cannot forgive herself and move on. I’ve pretty much given up on having a mutually fulfilling marriage because there isn’t anything more I can do. I have prayed for years for her to understand and grasp the sexual relationship is for pleasure but she won’t allow herself to enjoy it.
Young man, marriage can be like a box of chocolates, you won’t know what you got until you bite into it. I wish I would have waited for all 12 things on my list and you can say that is selfish if you want. It’s just where I am these days.
“She believes she should not be allowed to enjoy sex as a punishment for her not being a virgin when we got married. Even after this breakthrough of last year, nothing has changed.”
So sorry to hear that she is telling herself such lies. It sounds like that she comes from a home where love was conditional and depending on her performance/behavior. I get the feeling there is something missing in her grasping the Father’s love. She gets that he forgave her, but she doesn’t grasp fully in her heart what that means. That she is free of the past, fully accepted, viewed as perfect in His eyes. God desires for to fully enjoy every blessing! I think the problem is not that she has a sexual past, but that she is believing in a lie. Maybe you can bring it up, because this is not punishing herself but punishing you both for something that is forgiven. I believe she may need counselling about her relationship with her earthly father.
I don’t think it’s selfish — and it’s probably the advice I would give someone. (Again, to emphasize — if God is leading you one way or another, LISTEN.) But as a rule of thumb or something to consider … I think it’s better to be with a virgin.
I was a virgin when I met my husband. He very, very much was not. I thought that forgiveness and faith covered everything, and it would all be okay. Turns out, not so much. He has no sexual interest in me and no willingness to change. Like someone else pointed out, I’m the good church girl you settle down with once you’re done partying — but I’m not the prize. I’m not something to pursue or desire.
We have almost no sex life. I didn’t have a honeymoon. I finally threw out all my lingerie and my husband never noticed. I am slowly reconciling myself to the fact that I won’t have children because you can’t have kids without sex.
I have a “life partner,” but I don’t have a husband or a marriage. I don’t feel loved. Like Dan said, if I had known what I would be going through, I wouldn’t have gotten married.
That said, God is still using this marriage in ways I didn’t anticipate. I do have a stepson (promiscuous past), and I am the only Christian influence in his life and he is such a joy to me. And I provide a stability for my husband I don’t think he would have found otherwise. God is moving. It’s just very, very hard. And if I could give anyone advice, I would definitely encourage them to marry a virgin (just like I would encourage them to stay a virgin).
Dan,
Is your wife aware that she is punishing you too when she withholds from you sexually? It may not be intentional, it probably isn’t, but that IS what’s actually happening. Your wife withholding herself sexually isn’t just punishing her; it is, in fact, punishing you as well. I hope she realizes that.
Speaking as someone who was not a virgin and whose husband was, I think that is a valid consideration for this young man. My husband did not seem to struggle with this. His response was, if God forgave him for the things he did wrong, how could he not forgive me. And we have had a great intimate (relationally, emotionally, and physically) 17 year marriage.
However, as Shelia’s other post state, there can be consequences and it is valid if those are consequences or risks he does not want in his life.
I don’t think I would marry a man who struggled with pornography. I don’t want to spend that much of my life fighting such a strong addiction. Not sure I would marry someone who struggled with any addiction. It is not because I think I am more “holy” than they or “better” nor do I think that God does not free, heal and restore. It is just that those are incredibly difficult and painful things to deal with and I don’t know that I am willing to risk that being a part of my life.
So it is valid, if the writer is concerned about negative effects from past sexual experience and does not want to deal with those issues or the potential for them in his marriage.
That being said, he needs to understand that may make it a lot harder to marry. Another side of this is Boy Meets Girl by Joshuah Harris who was a virgin and married a non-virgin after initially having reservations.
One analogy I had in mind when I was reading this, is something that also comes more to the fore as we get a bit older and are still looking around the (dwindling) dating pool…
How would I feel about marrying someone who had already been married? Someone who had children? Do I care particularly about going through those things only with each other, or am I happy to invite the whole person, including their pasts, into my life, +/- any young ones that come as part of the package?
Wow… Great answer. I would say to the woman, watch out if somebody trying to marry you only based on your virginity. That person has not grasped yet even the basic meaning of grace, forgiveness or unconditional love. If virginity is the only thing that matters to him, run fast!!!
I was technically a virgin at our wedding and I say technically because only by the grace of God did I stay a virgin. There was one instance in my past were I slept in the same bed with I guy I liked ( don’t ask me how I ended up there, but soul ties are a powerful thing!) but the guy didn’t dare touch me even though I wanted to. Later I asked him about it, he was not a believer, he liked me but he saw my faith before that weak moment and he knew we couldn’t be together. Do you get that, because he respected my faith he didn’t touch me, even though I was in my weakest moment… God is good!
Anyways, I ended up marrying a new creation a man of faith who loves Jesus with all his heart. Before grace made him new, he was a fatherless, drug addicted, tattooed, sexual well experienced young man (who even went to prostitutes in his drug lifestyle). If you met him today you wouldn’t believe he has such a past! I still marvel sometimes when he tells his testimony. That is grace! Is our life perfect? Nope. But any scar or tattoo from his past is saying one thing: “remember the darkness God saved you from! There is power in the name of Jesus” All it makes me do is praising God for his power to save, restore and heal. I am not dwelling on any of it as if it is a blemish. God cast his wine to the deepest depths of the ocean, He remembers no more, so why should I? The one who brings up the past against us is Satan, and I don’t need to cooperate with him…
Lydia,
Thank you so much for sharing about your husband! I love how you view him. Such a great reminder of the healing we find in Christ. As Danielle mentioned, we serve the great Healer! I posted above about not being a virgin on my wedding night, and my husband loving and accepting me even though he was a virgin.
I am always thankful for people like you (and him) who view scars as a testimony to all God can do rather than evidence of “damaged goods” (which is what I felt like for a long time). I love what you wrote, “the one who brings up the past against us is Satan, and I don’t need to cooperate with him.” So true!
The young man who wrote the original question certainly doesn’t have to marry a non-virgin, but I just hope he doesn’t miss out on God’s best for him by making that the only factor in his decision.
I had/have the same opinion as the man Writing the letter.
I was a Virgin (or was I?) when I got married. I had sex with previous girlfriends but not penile/vaginal intercourse, and somehow that was the thing you should save, the thing that ties people together. Now when I’m married since 17 years, I know that other things can be more intimate than regular intercourse, and I believe the bonding too. I also Believe that you can have sex without strong bonding occuring, it’s a matter of if you’re sharing your “heart”. With this I definatley don’t mean that you should experience with sex outside marrige, as long as you don’t give the person your heart.
My problem is (yes still is), that my wife wasn’t a Virgin (I knew that she slept with two guys Before me, when we got married). But after 14 years together I found out that there is at least one more guy. Finding that out almost destroyed Everything. Mostly because the betrayal I felt from the most important person in my Life.
My wife’s explanation is that she was to afraid to loose me and didn’t want to hurt me. She knew how much I was hurting knowing that she wasn’t a Virgin, and the person she was lying to me about was a guy that she met when we did know each other, but Before we started dating (so she wasn’t cheating or anything).
She also feels that all her previous boyfriends really is a closed chapter. She’d asked for forgivness and felt that it was no longer a part of her, so why should I make it a part of our lives?
Although I know (in my brain) that I really don’t have anything to accuse her of.
-I also had sex Before marrying her (although not penile/vaginal intercourse)
-She was forgiven by God, felt forgiven and free
-She was honest about not beeing a Virgin, but wanted to spare me from additional pain, and was afraid of loosing med
-I have more bonds to my earlier girlfreinds
Although knowing that. In my feeling I still struggle with this. It gets easier but I’m hoping for God to do a miracle.
I am going to be completely blunt. If marry a virgin is on you wife requirements list then wait for that woman, but be sure it is not the only thing on that list. From what some of the commenters have said, and the general impression I get from people I know is that they struggle with their partner’s sexual past if their partner has one. This is unfair to your partner. It is unfair to hold your insecurities against your partner, especially when they are fighting to feel worthy of God’s grace. Also, do not hold up both of you being virgins as the groundwork for everlasting marriage. In fact, and this is just the people I know, the majority of the people I know who both partners were virgins when they were married are now divorced. This is primarily because they got married to have sex. Does this doom all marriages of virgins? Not in the slightest! Just be sure you are marrying for the right reasons.
My husband had a few partners before me, and he and I had sex long before we got engaged or married. Do I regret having sex with him before marriage? No, because I attach shame with the word regret. I do repent that I did not follow God’s Will and design for marriage; but I cannot feel regret about it. The summer that we started dating we spent so much time just talking together, exercising together (that is not a euphemism), and spending a lot of time together. Yes, some of that time included sex, but most of that time was lying in bed talking about things from engineering, to politics, to our families, to what we wanted for our future, and eventually to figuring out how to spend our lives together. I realized we might be a unique case, but, even though we did not follow God’s martial design, He granted us a marriage that is strong and solid. We have weathered long distances more than once, job losses, babies, and PPD together. It has not always been perfect, but we have always been solid. His sexual past is a part of him. It might be a part of himself he repents, and we have expressed a mutual desire to have waited, but we cannot deny the good that we have and it is partly because of what we built in the past.
Totally agree with this, MountainWife: “It is unfair to hold your insecurities against your partner, especially when they are fighting to feel worthy of God’s grace.” It is unfair, but I do think it’s still a struggle. But it’s one we have to fight against and ask for the strength to win, because they can’t do anything about their past now. We simply must get over it!
This is a really good post! From what I’ve seen though, people tend to forget you can get “tied” to someone without sexual activity. When I was 18-19 I gave my first love everything I had to give–except my body. I’ve totally moved on from that. I fell head over heels for another guy several years ago and married him. But guess which guy I dream about when I’m asleep and my mind goes wherever it wants to? That’s right, the first love that I gave my entire emotional self to. Sad, huh?
I was a 28 year old virgin when I married. My husband was not a virgin, although I had always expected to marry one (for moral reasons, as well my own issues with insecurity). As our relationship grew, he told me that he was not living for God in his college years and had slept with women. It was initially difficult for me to accept. I asked a few questions, ending with “Can you love me like you’ve never loved anyone else?” He answered “yes” and I promised to never bring it up again. I appreciated his honesty because he was willing to risk losing me rather than hiding the truth. He had abstained from sex for more than a dozen years when we married. I know that he loves me alone and I have never questioned my decision to marry him. God’s forgiveness and grace are abundantly evident in our marriage of more than ten years, and I do not regret letting go of that one thing on my husband list that I had thought was so important. Sadly, I have friends who married virgins, yet have marriages fraught with issues, such as pornography and emotional abuse. Virginity is a wonderful gift for God, yourself, and your spouse. Treasure it, but do not place it above so many other marks of godliness, and do not think it is the holy grail of Christian marriage.
Thank you for your story, Sarah. It’s beautiful, and I totally agree: the issue is where the heart is now, not where the body has been previously. And you’re right–virginity is no guarantee of anything.
I have an ugly, promiscuous premarital past, and that meant I carried some baggage into my marriage. Thank goodness my husband did not hold that against me, or we wouldn’t have the beautiful marriage we have today. It was a journey, but I embraced Christ’s redemption and my husband extended grace.
I understand the desire to have an ideal godly marriage, but then tell me why Rahab and Ruth are in Jesus’ bloodline — neither of whom were virgins when they married an Israelite. Was their entry in marriage ideal? No. Was it blessed by God? Absolutely. Of course, you can put “virgin” on your wish list, but if God calls you elsewhere, His plan is the one that matters.
Great post!
I’m a virgin, never dated, just turned 30 years old woman. I have been a believer since 13 but swore off marriage and romantic relationships at 11 due to growing up seeing domestic abuse against my mom. Over the past 3 years God has been growing me and softening my heart toward marriage. At the very beginning of this time, I told myself there were low odds I would marry anyways since there were probably no other virgins by my age. I remember praying about it, crying out to God that I had been faithful that way and wanted to be with someone who had endured like I had (no prospects at all, btw, I was working through something as yet theoretical). As I prayed I began to cry. I knew how wrong I was. How could I believe that Christ’s grace is complete for me, but not for a man who has a past with sexual sin? How could I be prideful over remaining a virgin when I know even my faith is not my work but the work of grace in me? I still hope to find someone who has remained faithful to God’s commands for sexual purity. But I also know that Christ’s work of redemption is complete not only for me, with all my continuing flaws, but for my husband, if I ever have one.
That’s a wonderful perspective! I’m so glad God is showing you this, and I wish you all the best.
Thank you! My bigger challenge is to trust God daily that if it is His will for me to marry, then it will be. I really struggle with believing anyone could want to be with me. I am committed to growing in my faith, I’m compassionate, smart, hardworking, and friendly. I like who I am, I think I’m pretty and feel relatively confident in every other part of my life. But I struggle with believing that any man would be able to look past the fact that I am quite overweight, limited in the number of years left for childbearing, come from a family plagued by multi generational abuse of women and probably am too “independent” and well educated (about to begin my PhD). I pray daily that God will help me trust in Him and want His will more than my way. Every month or so I will have a few days when I just can’t believe anything but that I want something impossible and I just need to give it up. I’m taking a gap year between my MA and PhD and I know I need to rely on God to help me be disciplined in losing weight and getting healthy. The weight gain happened starting back in my early twenties because I was so afraid of men noticing my body that I worked to hide myself. I’m not losing weight now to try and get men to notice me but because I know that I have been hating my body instead of entrusting it to God by being prudent with my health. God has done so much good work in me over the past couple of years and I know I am not done growing. In my heart I know He is always with me and nothing is like the joy of being with Him and serving His glory. I don’t know why I still struggle with wanting so terribly to love and care for and be loved in the context of marriage but feeling so sure that no one could want me. I know that ultimately, God is enough even if I am meant to remain in lifelong singleness. But its hard to be in this world and not feel drawn to the beautiful, good, and right things earthly life has. If you can pray for me I would appreciate it 🙂
Many people grow impatient and decide to stop waiting on the Lord. The word says to Delight thyself in the Lord and he will bless you with the DESIRES of your heart. The key is to wait on the Lord cause it’s in HIS own time. If it’s your hearts desire to marry a woman who has kept herself, do not, under any circumstances settle for less. God is ABLE. It’s in his word as I wrote above (….desires of YOUR heart) just WAIT on him! Many ppl, women in particular, will tell you that virginity shouldn’t matter. Well, it does to you and you have a right to your feelings, especially if you’ve kept yourself. Trust in the Lord, wait on the Lord, be of good courage and he will strengthen your heart during the times it needs to be strengthened! There is someone ordained for you out there! Faith-The substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. You may not see her yet but…..
I was thinking about adding virgin to my new husband list. I’ve had a list for years but I think it needs to be revised. My biggest new idea is wanting a man who is a virgin. Before I wanted an experienced man then I got one and realized some things. He is so jaded. His speech and the way he refers to intimacy and intimate parts and situations is completely inappropriate and I don’t want that. I broke up with him. I want a man who doesn’t have such a crass view of sex. I have also realized the jealousy that comes along with it. I began to wonder if intimate things I thought were just between us, maybe he did them with other women. He confirmed that he did do/say things to me that he did/said with other women before he met me. Not just intimate things but even small things like private jokes and other personal things to the relationship. That is a new turn off for me. I want to be special. I want my husband to be special. If someone else knows what it’s like to be with him it fuels jealousy and anger in me and I don’t want to be jealous or angry. I want him to be clean inside and out. I want him to know for sure that he wants me and not some former woman he was with before but slightly different in one way or another.
I also want him to come from a legacy of marriage from generation to generation, no divorce. These things are not in our control. I also wonder where or how to date or marry men with other things to offer like never had a cavity or no obesity or heart disease in his bloodline. There are so many other criteria I want and like that have nothing to do with virginity or looks. So many other things are important for me to consider. Not everyone is this “deep”, I’m making fun of myself.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
So the conclusion that seems to be drawn is “If you don’t want to marry a non virgin that’s your choice, but we don’t like it.” I’m still a virgin and while it is not the only thing I’m looking for, her being a virgin is a major requirement. A person’s first sexual experience is an important one and should not be taken lightly. That first person one has sex with stays with them longer than most care to admit, this applies to men and women. I don’t think any should be forced, or shamed, or guilt tripped into marrying someone they don’t want.
I understand there is forgiveness for a person who has sinned, but that doesn’t mean I or anyone else who didn’t sin sexually is under any obligation to date or marry someone who did. And whether some on this site like to admit it or not there are still earthly consequences for having a promiscuous past and there are psychological and sometimes physical issues of this lifestyle that cannot be ignored. For me to even consider marrying a non virgin woman, she has to do a lot to prove to me that she really has changed and most importantly give a sincere and heartfelt apology for not waiting, even if her lifestyle choice was before her conversion because it will be incredible hurtful to find out she didn’t save herself for marriage. Some of this stems from the convenient fact that most of the women who have been this way are on the bad side of thirty and as such in the eleventh hour of their biological clocks, which makes me suspicious as to whether or not they truly are repentant or if they’re just faking it because they want a husband and children.
It’s simple, no one should be shamed or guilt tripped into marrying someone they know they shouldn’t and each individual has their own preferences on what’s important to them and what is not. Finally, finding the right person to marry is the biggest decision a person will make in their lives and marrying the wrong person can be disastrous for all parties involved.
Im a man, a virgin man in his 25-30. I am very attractive, being very humble here (well I have just noticed women giving me glances, went to Europe, US and Asia, almost all women). But that is not the point. I value a woman’s virginity, more than necessary. As a man, it feels so good to be her first…simply just loads and loads of dopamine and butterflies in the belly.
Now, for me, making love to a non-virgin woman is like making love to all those men that thursted her vagina, NOT her. Something already entered her and now, its not her, she belongs to that something. If she was pure, she would 100% be pure and belong to me and our true love. Someone told me, having sex with a virgin woman feels way better than say a pregnant woman or a non-virgin or even a prostitute.
Now, for those who have already lost their virginity either by rape or by other means such as self consent, I respect them. It was their choice. Hence, they have become what they chose to be (all the right (permission) was in their hand, DESPITE them knowing what was right or wrong).
In the end, we should love everyone, either virgin or non-virgins, I guess, we are meant to be with someone special but in the right time. Love everyone, despite their virginity status. We all make mistakes and we all have one heart and it repents sometimes. Love and it will grow healthy out of its cruel bruises.
It should be said that there are people who are virgins where penile vaginal sex is concerned but they’ve done everything short of it. I would say it’s not fair to treat a non virgin as if she or he is damaged goods unworthy of love. If God can forgive why can’t those who claim to be His followers?
No, we’re not. Matthew 7:5 (NASB) says “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” In the context, I think that’s significant.
Hi . I had a dirty past ! I was forced to be physical with the guy I loved and lost my virginity. And then after 2 years this relationship ended ! Now I am truly in love with a guy and he too loved me, but he doesn’t want to marry me because he is not able to take the fact that I am a non virgin . He is a virgin . He ended this relationship and we stayed away from each other for 4 months . I was totally broken and hurt . I still long for his love and care . He has also not moved on thinking that he had spoiled my life in a way . Now I am convincing him to consider other qualities than the virginity. He is also trying his best to not think about it. One way or the other , he gets reminded and we both are losing our happiness. I am not able to let go of him ! What should we do in this case ? Is there any way we could get past this ? Or should we end this ?
I am 21 and I have not been deflowered, last 4 months, I met this guy and went down on him out of curiosity, some weeks later, I went down on my ex, to make him stay, he still left. I didn’t realize the mistake I made until recently. I keep wondering, was I possessed? I’m a Christian, now I feel so filthy, I’ve pray to God everyday, but I still feel so damaged and worthless. I’m now suicidal and depressed and wish I never did such. I’ve been losing weight and can’t seem to forgive myself. I’m full of regrets. I’ve been saving myself for marriage but now I don’t feel I’m marriageable anymore. I was ignorant trying to be adventurous. I feel I might die alone, because I don’t feel acceptable. I’m drowning in regrets, fear and depression. I always wanted to be pure to my future husband but now I feel gross. I will never do such again, but I’m still so dissappointed in myself.
Liz, I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are NOT worthless, you are NOT damaged, you are NOT less worthy than you were before. Jesus took care of all of that. I really recommend you read this post here A Letter to All Who Feel They Have Lost Their Purity. I hope you find it encouraging, and that you know you are valued and loved.
I am 25 years old male , i have been a believer since 13 years old, despite up and downs in my daily walk with God, i am thankful that I am still virgin.
Virginity in my future wife, is the non negotiable quality i want from her, some times i feel I’m being too judgemental but i can’t compromise this.
Every time i find out woman whom i am interested with had sexual experience my interest for her is put off as someone light off the candle.
Sometimes i feel i should be mercifully and graceful to my future spouse but i just can’t help with someone with sexual experience, i don’t despise those marrying non virgin spouse,
Having seen this post and reviewed some comments i feel very confident to continue with my pursuit. am not praying for perfect spouse, I’m praying for compatible spouse with no past sexual experience.
I’m a 42 year-old virgin man. I’m not religious, nor have I saved myself for marriage. I’ve just never been confident enough to approach women. I don’t like the way I look, and my lack of confidence in general makes me less attractive to others.
Furthermore, I’ve also never wanted children, and this has made me terrified of having sex in case an “accident” should happen. And having had several friends who’ve experienced mishaps with contraceptives, I no longer trust that those are safe enough to prevent the worst from happening.
So I’m essentially celibate because of fear. But also because I consider sex to be the most intimate thing two people can share with each other. And seeing how the world has descended into a sexual free-for-all over the last 20 years or so, it depresses me greatly to see how casual people’s attitudes towards sex have become. To many, it has no greater significance than popping down to the local grocery store for some milk and eggs!
Sigh…I’m aware that I’ve got a problem. Sex is normal and a part of natural life. And yet, ever since walking in on my parents having sex when I was a young child, I’ve had this fixation on sex as being something wrong and dirty. Nobody has ever taught me to think like this. It’s my own idea. And I can’t get rid of it.
So when I imagine dating a woman who’s not a virgin, not only am I jealous that she’s been sexually validated by someone else (or many others) and I haven’t, but because I have such a negative view on sex in general, I feel disgusted that someone I love has done THAT.
I’m aware the problem is psychological and entirely in my head. But I’m afraid I will die a virgin because of it. And it’s made it almost impossible to relate to other people around me, because I see myself as a lost kid in a sexual world, where everyone is supposed to experience intimacy, and I just never will. I can’t……….
Hello everyone i am a 23 year old man struggling with this concept and am praying to have the answer from the one and only almighty God but i would appreciate if someone experienced will help me figure it out .
I am a Virgin and like the outer its not because of lack of options but by the grace of God am serving him currently but this issue is holding me back because the devil is rasing question to distract me from what God has seen but i am a man and i have been conflicted . To be honest there is no judgement in my heart when ask this b/c i have been forgiven much more and people i serve with come to me with advice and i accept them like christ did . But my dilemma is i feel like God is going to make sth great in my life but temptation around me are getting hard and one of the reason is this issue i have been single for 5yrs all the way through collage because i believe God have sth special stored for me but currently my faith is being rocked because of this concept and ppl around me are advising me to give up because i wouldnt find someone like me and that is discouraging me and i dont want to so i want answers asoon as possible on this
question 1. what is the point of me being a virgin if my spouse is not because no matter how we put it we rip what we saw so soul ties have consquences it might work for sm but it might not work for others and just because we have some standards/preference like all people on there own way doesnt me we are judgmental all think less of christs sacrifce for everyone .
Second question is if virginity was not important sex before marriage or cheating wouldnt be a big deal christ talks about divorce if only sm1 breaks this physical barrier and in corintens paul talk abt sex as a different sin that is made against own body and breaks all the connection you have with God so if sex is that important and jesus used a virgin women to come to this world and the devil wants ppl to not be a virgin i think we should really check the facts here because our God is a God of integrity and what ever he said will happen and he said you rip what you saw if you kill you get in jail but he will forgive you so in that preference if you marry a virgin and that doesnt mean they are perfect or not sinner but if you marry a virgin and you are a virgin the blessin in your life are going to be different than ppl who are not or ppl which one spouse is and one spouse isnot if this is not true i my hole point of view is wrong hence my dilemma my surrounding fallen worldis shaking my faith but some faith dont need prayer they need knowledge so anyone willing to help or insight am willing to have a conversation ………. and for me its not really a deal breaker for sm1 having a past because if i am in love and its Gods will its enough but i dont i think this is holding me back from servin God and wonder if it helps you can email me cause i wan explain detaily i know am rumbling here thank you for reading God bless
Hello Shelia,
I know that you are probably not going to like what I have to say but I’m going to tell it as it is. I’m a 27 year old man who is a virgin and I desire to be with a virgin woman too and I felt that your article was not helpful for the gentleman that you responded but not helpful at all in general. I felt that you were shaming and accusing this gentleman of being prudish and possibly doing the same to other men who are a virgin and desire to be with a virgin too. Yes, I do agree that we should have standards that God put in our hearts but the gentleman wasn’t asking for a perfect woman. Yes I do agree that just because 2 virgins marry doesn’t mean the marriage is going to work but there is a higher chance that it will because studies have shown that the more sexual partners that you have, the less likely you will be faithful and satisfied in the relationship so it is good to safe yourself for marriage and it is good to marry a virgin too. I don’t agree with the part about that he can be part of her healing journey and part of her redemption story because what about his healing journey and his redemption story? What if he came from a family that was licentious and depraved and he is trying to break the cycle? I feel that you are dismissing his healing journey and his redemption story because he is a man because we live in a society where if man has standards as to what he wants in a woman, he is prudish but if a woman has standards as to what she wants in a man, she is a respectable woman. I also have mixed feelings when you said “One’s virginity and “purity” might be lost in man’s eyes, but God our healer and restore can make all things new!” I could be wrong but I feel that you are advocating born-again virginity and that is false teaching. You can’t get back your virginity once you’ve had sex and nowhere in the Bible says you can. I strongly disagree with you saying that you are not being Christ-like if you can’t get past their sexual past. That is outrageous because I felt you are shaming those who don’t feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone who didn’t save themselves for marriage and I’m not surprised because you yourself didn’t save yourself for marriage as well. If you are going to say that about virgins who can’t get past someone’s premarital sex, then you might as well shame Joseph who married Mary. He was going to reject Mary because he thought she wasn’t a virgin and got pregnant by another man; even an angel of the Lord didn’t shame Joseph. God knew Joseph’s heart; the same way God knows this gentleman’s heart and mine. Yes, I agree that to reject someone because they were raped is wrong but my only concern is that if they truly healed from that abuse because if they haven’t, well the intimacy in the marriage is going to be very disappointing. Overall, I felt that your article wasn’t helpful and I will continue to pray that God blesses me and that gentleman you responded to with a virgin wife.
Joseph, where on earth did you get the idea that I didn’t save myself for marriage? I’ve made it abundantly clear in my books and on this blog that both my husband and I were virgins on our wedding night.
Joseph, I will simply repeat this: Our purity is based on what Jesus did with His body, not on what we did with ours. Once we’re in Christ, we’re new. If you cannot get past that, then you are not seeing women as Jesus does.
If marrying a non-virgin would be traumatizing to you, that is your choice. But please realize that it is YOUR choice, based on your own preferences, and does not stem from Jesus, who redeems. And if that is your choice, this it is likely best that you avoid all girls who aren’t virgins, because it’s likely that you wouldn’t be a very good husband to them.
And by the way–I say exactly the same thing to women. It isn’t a gendered thing. I have said to so many women who can’t get over their husbands’ sexual pasts that this is their issue to deal with, not their husbands. If you married someone knowing their past, then it is incumbent on you to put it behind you. If you cannot do that, don’t marry them.
But if I were you, I would pray about this and ask Jesus to grow this part of you. Growing in grace and love is a good thing; not being able to accept someone, despite what Jesus has done in their lives, is not.
Right of the bat, I would like to apologize for accusing you of not saving yourself for marriage. I read an article that you wrote and I must have misread it; I honestly thought that you said you didn’t in the article that I read. I disagree with the statement as to I don’t see women as Jesus does because yes we are new and have a fresh start but that doesn’t mean our past is eliminated. After all, Paul repeatedly stated in his epistles that he persecuted the church in the past and he didn’t claim to be a born again pacifist afterwards. Just because I don’t want to marry a non-virgin woman doesn’t mean I’m not being Christ-like. I would disagree saying that this is my preference and my choice because before Christ, I wanted to sleep around and I didn’t care who I had a relationship with and now accepting Christ, I’m glad I’m still a virgin and the desire to marry a virgin woman came out of nowhere and multiplied intensely. Yes I do agree that I wouldn’t be the husband that they deserve if they are a non-virgin because it would be heartbreaking and devastating for me knowing that I couldn’t share that moment with my wife; the moment of knowing that we are experiencing something that is only between us and non one else. I’m glad that you give women the same responses as you do to men. Yes, to pray and ask God to increase in grace in love is good and I have done that and increased in those things by partaking in programs like Freedom Session and Celebrate Recovery and I’ve accepted a lot of people as friends who has done things I’m not going to repeat here and I will continue to pray that God increases the grace and love that I can give to others so they can know Christ too. Thank you for responding.
You basically just shamed this man and told him Jesus hates him because he doesn’t believe that past sins just magically disappear. Yes men dont get a pass, but you are basically judging a man for wanting to be with a virgin and doesn’t see non virgins on the same level as virgin women. Maybe this mindset stems from the fact that your daughter had premarital sex and you see this mindset as being judgemental of your kin.
I truly have no idea what you’re talking about. Katie made a video about how men don’t prefer debt free virgins without tattoos–where she said that she was a virgin at marriage! Like what is people’s problem?
No, I’m saying that if you can’t see a woman as anything more than a hymen, then you are not acting in a Christlike way, because that is not how Jesus sees us. And you need to grow in Christ.
And you, my friend, are now banned, because no one spreads salacious and baseless rumours about my daughters for no reason. LIke htat’s sick. What is wrong with you?
One more thing, Anonymous:
I know there are a bunch of men who hang out somewhere online and try to undermine me and come up with ways to paint me as extreme or out of touch or a hypocrite. But you know what? I’m your worst nightmare. I grew up evangelical. Went to a conservative Christian group on campus. Was married in a conservative, complementarian church. Attended evangelical churches. Always voted Conservative. Raised my daughters in an evangelical church. I stayed home with them while my husband worked. I homeschooled them full-time. They memorized the Bible for Bible quizzing; in fact, they have more than half the New Testament memorized word for word.
Got that? My girls know the Bible better than you.
They both married the first men they had ever kissed. They did everything right. They’re both in great marriages. And they both stay at home, and are planning on being stay at home moms.
In other words, we are your typical evangelical women. And you know what? We’re not standing for men treating women like they’re “less than” or like they’re only worth their hymens. We’re not standing for people who put legalism in front of Jesus. We’re not standing for a sexual ethic that makes sex about male entitlement.
We are your worst nightmare, because we have so many evangelical women waking up and seeing Jesus’ truth.
You can try to paint me any way you want, and you can talk about my daughters’ sex lives (which is so creepy and unnecessary), but you’re only going to make yourself look stupid.
Because you won’t stop us. And we are going to change the Christian conversation around sex, so that views like yours and all the men like you who obsess over my daughters’ sex lives (like, why?) will just be shown to be the hateful people that you are who don’t really know Jesus at all.