Vaginismus plagues many women who read this blog.
It’s a condition where your vagina tenses up, completely involuntarily (you have no control over it) during intercourse, making intercourse either very painful or downright impossible. I get so many letters from women suffering from this, and I shared in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex about how my marriage was plagued by vaginismus for the first few years. I know what these women go through, because I did too.
And so I’d like to do a three-part series on it this week, sharing some stories and then doing a round-up of resources.
We’re going to start today with this vulnerable and very open post from newlywed Lauren Meeks, sharing what she wishes she understood before she got married, which would have prepared her better.
Here’s Lauren:
I was raised to view my virginity as almost as important as my salvation.
It was my most precious possession, to be guarded at all costs, and the loss of it before marital bliss was possibly the most shameful thing that could possibly have happened to me.
I took those warning to heart.
I signed the pledge to wait to have sex until marriage, I wore the purity ring, I restricted my dating life to a handful of guys in college and beyond…I even swore that I would refrain from kissing my husband until the wedding day.
But I assumed that all of that work would pay off with a hot, passionate sex life with my husband after we had finally said “I do.” I assumed that because no one had ever told me differently. Despite my repeated and direct questions, the best advice I got from my trusted friends, family, and even doctors was always along the lines of “it’ll all work out,” or “don’t worry, you’ll figure it out.”
Then 3 months ago, I was married to the most wonderful man I’ve ever met.
And let’s just say…things haven’t worked out as planned.
Shortly after returning from the honeymoon, after a week of tears and pain and frustration, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with vaginismus, involuntary contractions of the pelvic muscles that make sex extremely painful or even impossible. What followed were the darkest few months of my life.
My challenges were caused by much more than mere physical challenges, and they affected me much deeper than I expected them to. As I came to a more realistic understanding of just what a difficult road I had ahead of me if I wanted to overcome my diagnosis, I became engulfed deeper and deeper into depression, ever more convinced of my utter failure as a woman and as a wife.
As I fought to find time on the calendar and money in the budget for daily physical therapy and weekly counseling, I also found myself becoming enraged with everyone around me – my husband, my family, my friends, and most of all, God. The injustice of it was more than I could bear. I had worked so hard to stay pure for my husband, and now that I was married I was rewarded with nothing but stress and anxiety.
I am not out of the woods yet. The therapy and counseling continue, as do occasional recurrences of depression and self-pity. But I have learned a lot during the past three months, things I desperately wish I’d known before I was married. Here are 5 things I would have told my pre-wedded self if I could; 5 things that hopefully will benefit your unmarried daughters and keep them from going through the same mental and emotional trauma I did.
1. Your sexual performance is not a judge of your quality as a woman or as a wife.
This was by far the most damaging lie I believed when I got married. My husband was consistently very supportive of and patient with me…but in the back of my mind, I always knew how important sex is to men. And when I couldn’t easily give him that, I allowed it to color every single thing I did with a terrible sense of gloom and failure.
I remember one night, my husband asked me to preheat the oven to 350 degrees before he got home from work. I mistakenly set it to 400 instead. When he got home and we realized my mistake, I had a complete mental breakdown. I had been walking around with such a deep conviction of my utter failure as a woman because of my physical struggles in the bedroom, that something as innocuous as preheating the oven to the wrong temperature would send me into a tailspin.
What I have had to learn and accept is that I am valuable and worthy of love, period. My performance as a wife, as a daughter, and as a friend does not and cannot change this fact. Once I was able to embrace that fact, the emotional breakdowns became much fewer and farther between.
2. There is no requirement that you have sex on the honeymoon.
My honeymoon week was filled with fights and frustrations and tears…lots and lots of tears. My husband was more than willing to wait, but because I’d been so thoroughly coached by popular culture about how all honeymoons should be full of passionate lovemaking, I tried to force myself to give him what I thought he needed. The only thing that accomplished was making me more miserable and convinced of my failure as a wife.
As newlyweds in general, but especially on your honeymoon, you are getting to know each other in a completely different way. It’s almost as if you’re a brand-new dating couple again. And so, just like when you had just started dating, it’s important to not put undue pressure on each other. Talk about your expectations beforehand, of course, but the main focus of your honeymoon should be just enjoying being with each other and getting to know each other. Don’t feel like you have to force yourself to give him something that you’re not ready to give. He will wait for you, and he will still love you and think no less of you while he is waiting.
3. You need to be honest and upfront with your husband.
The biggest fight I’ve ever had with my husband since we’ve met was the night after our wedding. And it was all a result of a simple miscommunication about expectations for the wedding night. If I had been completely transparent about the things I was nervous or scared about beforehand, we could have avoided that fight completely (and many others after it, as well).
4. Find a doctor you trust…preferably before the wedding.
When I got married I was pretty naive about both the female and the male physiology. Being more informed would have helped ease my nerves enormously.
It’s not that I didn’t try to inform myself. I did go visit doctors several times between the engagement and the wedding. But they all shrugged off my concerns, assuring me that everything would work out after the wedding.
That’s no help at all. You need to find someone who will be upfront and honest about any potential problems, listen to and REALLY respond to your concerns, and help you prepare for any issues you may not have considered.
Sheila Says: in my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I try to prepare new brides for what’s coming, including talking to them about what may be “normal” pain and what is something else entirely. And I explain the ins and outs (pardon the pun) of everything that will be happening! If you’re about to get married, or know a woman who’s engaged, pick up a copy for her so that she’s prepared.
5. Self-pity will get you nowhere.
Some people prefer to wallow in self-pity instead of trying to fix their problems. I know, I was one of them. And for a while, it may be somewhat cathartic to just feel sorry for yourself. But eventually self-pity will paralyze you, leave you unable to take control of your life and really LIVE it to the fullest.
I have vaginismus. It isn’t fair.
Some people have cancer, depression, autoimmune disorders, missing limbs, cleft palates, diabetes, paralysis….obviously the list goes on and on. Those diseases aren’t fair, either. Everyone has their own cross to bear, some sort of unfair challenge they must fight that no one else around them has to deal with.
But personal challenges don’t mean life isn’t worth living. They are a normal part of the human existence.
When you come across an insurmountable challenge that seems so unfair to you, when you wrestle with anger and bitterness and thoughts of “why me?”, don’t let the unfairness of life rob you of your joy of it.
Eventually you’ve got to pick yourself up, find some supportive people to surround yourself with, and figure out what the next step is to having a happy, productive life again.
It’s easy for women in positions similar to my own to play the blame game. They blame their parents, their teachers, their husband, and most certainly they blame themselves. But even if there is a very clear party that is directly to blame for your struggles (which is very unusual), passing blame will not make your situation any better, and it will probably make it worse.
I am valued, treasured, loved and worth loving. As are you.
That is a fact that does not change, regardless of what is going on in your life, regardless of how much of a failure you think you are. But hopefully, by preparing yourself ahead of time and learning how to love and accept yourself as you are, you can avoid a lot of the post-wedding anguish that I went through.
I would love to hear about any challenges you’ve worked to overcome in the comments below!
Lauren Meeks is a travel junkie and life enthusiast. She believes that everyone has a story, and writes to share her story and help others develop theirs. There is always an adventure to be found, no matter how mundane one’s life feels! She blogs about how to create a meaningful life at forgingsignificance.com. You can find her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/laurenpmeeks, or follow her on Twitter @laurenpmeeks.
2 More Posts in this Vaginismus Series:
The Voices of Women with Vaginismus
9 Steps to Overcoming Vaginismus
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I have a question for anyone who might know: are there any clues that one has vaginismus before the first time you attempt intercourse, or is that when you first find out?
There aren’t really–except that many women with vaginismus also have trouble inserting tampons or have a lot of trouble reaching INSIDE the vagina (to check cervical mucous, to retrieve a tampon, etc.). But some women with vaginsimus don’t have issues with tampons, so there really isn’t a for sure sign, unfortunately.
Thanks for answering. That’ s got to be quite a shock if you have no clues beforehand!
I’m pretty sure that is what I have struggled with for years… Though things have gotten better (no longer excruciating pain) I still struggle with the emotional and physiological side of things… Looking back I think that should have been a #1 clue for me… I had NEVER been able to use tampons, even the skinniest ones… But I didn’t even know to ask about it. So oblivious! I know for sure this has affected my husband so much too, and he has struggled with feelings of discust towards himself, the pain he felt he put me through etc… But I think just knowing what we are dealing with is actually real and has a name was a relief for him… That there was steps we could take and that it is not anyone’s “fault, or failure”. We are learning how up walk this out together… And I’m so thankful!
Oh, I’m glad that you’ve found a name for it at least! And do seek out a pelvic floor physiotherapist. There really is so much they can do! But I’m glad it isn’t hurting so much anymore.
Melanie,
Sheila is right, although I’ll add to that more often than not this is mostly a mental issue. If you find yourself increasingly anxious about sex, or have had some sort of sexual trauma in the past, you are more likely to encounter this issue (although it’s still not a certain thing).
Hi Melanie,
I discovered that I have vaginismus about three months into my marriage. One sign I wish my gynecologist had paid attention to was my papsmear. It was intensely painful and I cried through the whole thing. That isn’t normal and if a woman had an experience like mine I would say it’s likely she will struggle with intercourse too.
I also had a very painful first PAP smear but didn’t discover I had vaginismus until after I got married. Something that has been helpful for me has been a vaginal dilator set (you can get them on Amazon) that has different sizes so you can work your way up to stretching out the pelvic muscles. I also see an Osteopathic doctor (DO) who manipulates my pelvic bones and muscles (sounds invasive, but it’s not) and she has been SO helpful. I also echo what Lauren says, if you find yourself anxious about sex, it may be helpful to seek counseling before the big day because there is a huge psychological component. Hope this helps!
Yes, if you’ve attempted to use tampons and couldn’t or gone to the OBGYN and experienced extreme pain. I had never been able to use tampons before due to vaginismus but had blown it off, so the first time I really found out was when I had to have a vaginal exam done at the OBGYN and it was literally torturous and hurt for days after, and it was only a finger exam that was the size of a junior tampon. I had heard other women describe similar exams as “uncomfortable” at worst and when I looked up my symptoms online that’s when I learned my reactions were stemming from vaginismus and were not just normal “uncomfortable” symptoms. If you suspect you have vaginismus, it is much better to determine that before intercourse because if not intercourse will produce a severe amount of pain and possible blood loss that could otherwise be avoided if you knew beforehand.
Love this. I wished I’d known these things too, it would have made this aspect of my marriage a lot less stressful. It’s so easy to feel a sense of shame, or that there’s something wrong with you, because the physical part of it seems so easy for everyone els. And I’ll be honest, this is the only Christian source I’ve found that actually acknowledges these issues, so thank you! I’m currently in physical therapy for this very issue, and it’s hard not to feel guilty about the money. And with a 6-month old baby who fights sleep, it’s honestly also hard to find the time to do the daily exercises and stretching required. (Yeah, I’d hoped giving birth would solve the issue, since sex seemed like it would be easy in comparison. It didn’t. I’m so glad I have a patient husband.) But I’m hoping and praying that this will finally help me to work past this.
Becky,
I also struggle with feeling guilty about the money, but as my husband consistently reminds me, personal health and increased marital intimacy are things well worth spending money on! Praying for you in this journey…
-Lauren
I was diagnosed with vaginismus close to 5 years after I get married. I also was a virgin when I get married and suffered for years before I knew what was going on. It was after I had my first son. We had a difficult time conceiving, and it was torture trying to enjoy the whole process when it hurt so badly. After time and lots of talking and my husband’s support, things are much better- not perfect but better. Like Shelia mentioned one way you may be able to tell you might have problems when you get married is having problems with tampons- I always have.
Stacy,
My heart breaks that you have been struggling with this for so long. I’m so happy that you are on the road to recovery, and that you have such a supportive husband. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!
-Lauren
Thank you for sharing. I had no idea such a condition existed. As the mother of four daughters, I am so thankful to learn of this so that I can prepare my daughters in a more accurate way. I would hate for them to suffer because of my ignorance. Thank you again.
Becky,
From my experience, the best way that you can prepare your daughters is to start early, and be open and honest with them about this sort of stuff (even if they don’t want to hear it!) It’s also important that you make sure you are cultivating a good relationship with your own husband, as seeing an unhealthy relationship between people you love can be almost as damaging to a young girls’ psyche as actually being abused herself.
~Lauren
It boggles my mind that in the 21st century people still just toss “Oh it will all just work out” around as advice. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married, and lemme tell ya, we did some homework! We went into our wedding night with reasonable expectations and we’re very glad we pushed past the initial awkwardness of learning about the mechanics of sex before we got married. We really enjoy talking to young engaged couples about it. They’re always relieved that there is someone who is willing to be honest with them.
I deal with clinical depression. There are times when I’m in a down spot that I tell my husband I’m sorry about all this, that he has to put up with having a wife with a mental illness. Each and every time he has sincerely proclaimed that he loves me exactly the way I am and he will always work through this with me. I am unbelievably thankful for that man. I don’t know what I did to deserve him.
Melissa,
I’m so happy to hear of people who did their homework beforehand, and now are willing to share their experiences with other less experienced individuals. We need more people like you guys in the world!
~Lauren
Wow, appreciate your vulnerability! I’m still single, but I’m glad there are people out there willing to share this kind of information with us.
Thanks for listening, Jacqueline. I’m glad to know that my story is making a difference in the lives of others.
Lauren, thank you for your honestly. I believe so many will be blessed by your honesty. One of the things that has stood out to me from your post was self-pity.
I contracted chicken-pox three days to my wedding (7 years ago). At first i could.not.handle.it! Watching my skin break out, my body break down after months of careful prep was beyond anything I had imagine. Add that to the stresses of wedding preparation and I was questioning my decision to get married and God’s love for me. But just before the wedding, I felt like God asked me “who else would you rather wish this chicken-pox upon?” And to be honest, my mind ran up a list of people..before I settled on “No one. I can’t wish this on anyone else. I am glad it happened to me, not to so and so. Your grace will carry me”. And it did! Anyway, just to reiterate that bit about mental strength. Its a key thing to winning the battle.
Ngina,
So sorry to hear about your wedding fiasco! I’m so glad that you were able to arrive at a healthy perspective before the wedding so you could still enjoy the big day as much as possible.
I have found that self-pity is far more damaging and much more debilitating than any disease, illness, or tragedy life can throw at us. Anything can be overcome with the right attitude, but on the flip side, anything can be crippling with the wrong attitude (like my anecdote of setting the oven to the wrong temperature!)
~Lauren
Oh, Ngina, how awful! I can just imagine your self-pity. 🙂 But you’re right–stuff happens, and in the end, we need to keep the long term godly perspective in mind!
I totally agree with finding a good doctor beforehand. While I don’t have vaginismus, I experienced terrible pain during sex for the first two months. I visited a doctor as soon as we got back from our honeymoon. Upon learning that I had never had any kind of vaginal examination she decided it was not necessary to put me through that embarrassment and instead told me that I probably had endometriosis and changed the pill I was on. Having no idea about these things I believed her. Six weeks later I found out that my hymen simply hadn’t torn properly! If the doctor had bothered to check my husband and I would have been spared weeks of pain and tears!
I also love how you point out that sex on the wedding night, and even the honeymoon, is not a requirement! Wow I wish I had realised that – after finally arriving at your destination at 1am, when you’re exhausted, soaked (after getting caught in the rain), and incredibly nervous, it is probably not the wisest time to embark on your sex life together.
Thanks for being honest about your story – I hope it will help to prepare and encourage many young wives who are as naive as I was!
I’m glad I could encourage you, Gemma. It’s good to hear that I’m not alone :).
~Lauren
Lauren, thanks for sharing your struggle. I am going though the same struggle right now. I have been married for almost 8 months. I have not been ‘diagnosed’ but these are in fact the physical problems I face.
I especially know how you feel with it “not being fair”. It really seems unfair that people who don’t really care about what God thinks of sex outside of marriage, can enjoy what he gave as a gift within the bounds of marriage, while one, who has trusted God with her purity and waited for HIS perfect match for her and went to the altar having saved herself entirely for her husband has to endure such hardships for what is supposed to be enjoyable and good. My struggle is often about the unfairness of it all. It’s so hard to not feel as though the enjoyment of this part of marriage was not something that I should have ‘rights’ to for waiting for God’s plan. I’ve struggled often with Tears, bitterness, confusion, feelings of failure, and often have to ask God for forgiveness for these feelings that are ultimately and sadly toward Him. I don’t understand his plan in all of this and it would not be my choice if I had one, but I know in my heart that he knows his thoughts toward me that they are of peace and not evil against me to bring me to the end that he sees so clearly. ((Paraphrased)As Jeremiah 29:11 tells me) I know these things in my heart, I’m just ready to see it all work out by putting some action to my faith. 🙂
That being said, After months of not being ready to seek out a doctors help, I finally set up an appointment to get the ball rolling to hopefully become “normal.”
I’ve followed your blog, Sheila for now most of my marriage seeking help and advice and I thank you for sharing your struggles and encouragement, being transparent and really seeking to help others. Pray for me as I start out on this ‘journey’. (Hope that doesn’t all sound hyper dramatic!) thanks again.
Crystal,
It is unfair, but as you so wisely pointed out, God is still working things out for our good, even when they are unfair! Thanks for sharing you story, I appreciated hearing it.
~Lauren
Thank you for sharing your story. I often feel so alone on my journey.
My struggle with vaginismus began the day after my wedding. My wedding night was far from perfect; we both felt awkward and nervous, but we really enjoyed our time together. The next morning, I woke up with the most profound sense of peace, one that I had not felt for years. I knew that I was right where I was supposed to be.
Later that day, we embarked on our road-trip honeymoon. As we approached our first destination, I felt a strange sense of uneasiness. I thought I was simply still experiencing the nerves of being newly married. However, that night, sex was impossible. No matter what we tried, we got nowhere. Frustrated and tired, we spent some time just comforting each other and resolved to try again the next night. But the problem persisted for the whole week.
We decided that my vagina must still be trying to stretch out or something and that the problem would resolve with time. It didn’t, and soon sex became painful when it wasn’t impossible. Maybe my hymen had not torn properly or was abnormal in some way? By the time six months had passed, I was clinging to this idea, hoping against hope that it was the answer. I visited my doctor and heard the word that shattered my world: vaginismus.
As a psychology student, I was all too familiar with that word. It was one I had always feared, but I assured myself that it would never happen to me. When it did, I came undone. I knew it could be successfully treated, that it could be overcome, yet I felt so broken. Defeating a mental illness seemed much more difficult that a physical one. As I type, I am crying once again as I remember the sense of loss I felt and still feel at times.
I was already seeing a counselor to work on my anxiety and mild depression. My diagnosis plunged me much deeper for a little while. I felt so hopeless, and I was furious at God. I knew I wasn’t entitled to great sex just because I had waited, but why, WHY would He let this happen? He knew how I had longed to be married to this wonderful man. It was so unfair.
My husband and I recently celebrated our first anniversary; we have been unable to have intercourse for six months now. At first, it created a strain on our marriage. I felt incredible guilt (my anxiety caused this, so it’s all my fault, right?), and my husband struggled to know how to support me.
In time, we have discovered that intimacy is not all about intercourse. This trial has forced us to learn about each other in different ways, and I can truly say that we enjoy our sex life, even if it is not exactly what we imagined. I am so thankful for a husband who understands mental illness and strives to show me that he loves me as I am and not as I could be. I am thankful for a God who is here even when I rage against Him, Who knows that my suffering has purpose.
I cannot say that I am where I want to be, but I am getting better. I am starting to feel hope again, and I am seeing some small purpose in my pain. I still have far to go, and my greatest fear is that I will never get better, but it does not haunt me as it once did. I still have far to go, but I have also come far.
To all of you struggling this way, you are not alone! You are never alone. Reach out to others who are struggling; don’t be afraid to share your story. Look for the purpose in your experience, and surround yourself with those who love you and will build you up. Don’t be afraid to cry, but always find a reason to smile.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ (a song of healing)
Thank you so much, Katie, for sharing your story. That’s so touching.
Vaginismus.com is a great online support and practical therapy you can use alongside your doctor.
The thing I find would help immensely is if men were prepared for a realistic sense of sex just as much as the woman. The reality is that many Christian men do cave in and leave their wives, because “this isn’t what I signed up for.” A christian friend of mine married six years with vag just had her husband leave, convinced it wasn’t even a sin, it was God telling him to move on.
Well newsflash: “sickness and in health” and “bad times and good times” are vows that include this ailment! These are all tests God gives us to overcome and strengthen our faith and resolve, if we know what to look for and how to respond.
We are 4.5 years married without intercourse…still working on mostly mental problems associated with it…but we have learned so much about each other that probably wouldn’t have happened without the challenge, and not just about sex: about our pasts, about our values, about how to serve each other that makes them feel safe and appreciated without always reverting to sex. Still not the ideal situation of course, and I’m not saying having sex right away would hinder knowing each other more deeply; I’m saying God knows why He does what He does, and the road He wants each of us to walk is best for us, and not for anyone else.
If men could learn to categorize sex as just another part of marriage, like women need to do, it would be very helpful. I’m sure men read up on all other kinds of “wedding night tips” in preparation…why not read up on “and just in case my wife, who has waited for me and doesn’t know what to expect, ends up with a sexual problem, how can I be the best husband through it?” …because really, would your Christian husband rather know that you’re a sex goddess because you’ve been around with lots of other men? Of course not! And thinking he is owed anything is pride, and honestly,maybe he isn’t the “best” sex partner either! Sex is just another spoke in the wheel of marriage, with Christ as the hub, which needs to be worked on toward perfection like anything else…but like anything else, maybe it will not be perfect. Women know all about men’s possible sexual issues and would be patient with our husbands, why can’t it be the other way around?
I don’t know what I would do without my supporting husband, and it kills me to know so many whose marriages have failed because men were just as ignorant. This is a couples issue, not a wife issue. We need all the help we can get in a world that elevates impurity and debases marriage.
I only wish I had this blog series sooner! I have always been scared of sex and it just wasn’t talked about in my house growing up. After a fretful honeymoon last May and a couple months of attempting intercourse, experiencing pain, giving up, and feeling like a big wuss because seemingly every other woman can get through the pain of “the first time”, I finally found out about vaginismus and knew that’s what I had. I’ve been seeing a great physical therapist who specializes in pelvic floor therapy and she gives me free dilators and helps me understand what my body is doing. I definitely have felt all of those things like it’s not fair, I’ve “saved myself” and now I can’t even do it, an unconsummated marriage doesn’t count, my husband would be happier with someone else, etc. The best thing to help emotionally–besides my incredible husband–is to read stories like these and know I’m not alone. Thank you!
I am in tears reading this and my heart is breaking for all the couples facing this issue. I wish I could of read this before I got married. Nobody told me it could actually be painful!
My husband and I both waiting until our wedding night to make love. We went into it knowing what to expect (or so we thought), we talked about how the night would go. It was just too painful and I ended up in tears. The desire was there so we tried again the next night, and the next, and the next. Tears every single time. Our honeymoon was nowhere near what we had anticipated. 3 months went by and after feelings of hoplessness I finally agreed to go see a Dr. She suggested I just wasn’t stretched out enough. She gave some medication and said to just keep trying. It helped nothing. My relationship with my husband was getting rocky. I was depressed. Thinking “why God? I waited like You wanted. I saved myself for my love. Why do this to me?” My husband and I got into fights so easily. The littlest things made me feel like I was worth nothing and couldn’t do anything right. I wanted something better for husband. I almost encouraged him to just go find someone else to please him. He didn’t deserve this. But really he was so supportive. So kind and understanding. I felt guilty for how I was treating him but it seemed useless to try anymore. I let this go on for an entire year. I never wanted him to touch me because it just reminded me of what we couldn’t have. Then he finally found a dialator and ordered it. A couple months of working with that along with a natural testosterone oil and we are healed physically praise the Lord! I am just so thankful for my husband. We are still healing emotionally but our sex life is really improving. I still have feelings sometimes of “I can’t believe I let this go on and on.” “We wasted so much time.” “Our first year was ruined.” But God gets me thru. Thank you for writing this post.
I can totally relate to everything written here. Same with others, i just got married 2 months ago. It was painful, we went to our honeymoon and i felt like i wasted our time there for i was crying and depressed all the time. We tried it again after that but seriously failed. I used to look forward to slending quality time with my husband but now, all i think about is the crying and the pain. I think i anticipate the pain so much that i dread even trying it out. Im lucky that my husband has been the greatest, most understanding about this. He stays positive even when i feel like giving up. In my country, the Philippines, sex is not discussed very openly so i cant and i wont tell anybody else except my sister. There is a limited number of therapists who can help, in fact, i cant find anyone. Dilators may not be available locally as well. I am so hopeless right now so im here, reading forums and stuff. I really i wish i could talk about this with someone. I dont want this to go on any longer, i want to get help cause like everybody else, i wanna share this special thing with my husband.
PS- these have been helpful posts, im beginning to feel that i may overcome this soon. 🙂
That’s so hard, Chesca! You’re really not alone. So many women go through this. And honestly–the fear makes it worse. Read all you can, pray lots, and keep exploring with your husband on how to get aroused even without intercourse. That will help take away some of the fear, too! Prayers for you.
Thank you sheila! I will try my best to be positive about this. Ive ordered dilators online and some self help manuals to help me like what you have suggested in your other post. My husband has been supportive even if its a little expensive and said he wanted to be with me throughtout my treatment. Im such a lucky girl. 🙂 i’ll continue to read and maybe help someone as well.
God bless!
Thank you so much for sharing your post. It’s encouraging to hear from someone who has been physically healed from it.
This post mirrors much of my own experience. I grew up in conservative Christian circles and saved myself for marriage. Our wedding night was extremely disappointing because sex was impossible. I struggled for 6 months before my husband found a vaginismus website. The feelings of worthlessness are very real and painful. We ordered the book Completely Overcome Vaginismus by Mark and Lisa Carter. After going through the 10 steps and using the dilators, we were able to start intercourse. Delivering a child put me back to square one, but after more dilator therapy, we were able to resume. I am so thankful for my husband, who has been patient, undemanding, and supportive the whole time.
Thanks for this. I’ve been married for nine years in April and have had sex with my husband ONE time. It took me a few years to even find a doctor who acknowledged and recognized my vaginismus. I was continually blown off. I have been through counseling, physical therapy, surgery to remove my hymen, and tons of work with dilators. The thing that finally allowed us to have sex was a Botox treatment I had done by Dr. Peter Pacik (who recently retired, but check his website vaginismusmd.com, also his book “When Sex Seems Impossible”) After the Botox I worked diligently for almost two months before we were finally able to consummate our marriage, the day after our 7th wedding anniversary. From that one time I conceived our son, who is now 13 months old. We tried to have sex while I was pregnant and keep progressing but due to pregnancy my pelvic area was swollen and super dried out and we were unable to. I had a horribly traumatic birth with my son where an OB forcibly, against my wishes tried to break my water and told me he “didn’t believe vaginismus was a real condition”. Between having our son and my emotional trauma from birth we haven’t tried to have sex again. It’s pretty safe to say vaginismus has ruined my life. It’s hard to stay positive about it these days. We are trying to find another counselor right now to go to counseling, and then we are planning to move my son into his own room, so hopefully I will be able to get back into working with my dilators and make things happen again, who knows. We also waited until we were married to have sex and sometimes I just feel so disappointed that we have not been blessed with a sex life like other married couples. Just really depresses me. 🙁 Anyways, thank you for sharing this. I wish everyone was educated on this condition, and I wish everyone also knew how fortunate they are to be able to have sex and children.
I’m so glad we could let you know you’re not alone! What a rough road you’ve had. Many prayers for your recovery!
I was raised catholic, virgin until marriage! I married an amazing guy, but we never had sex and it was horrible. I was broken. My date life has been a disaster, but little by little things have been better. I am an actress and I wrote a one person show. I want to tell my story. If someone lives in Los Angeles and wants to see it, check my campaign. http://www.gofundme.com/americanmandream
I had this same problem and it turned out that what was actually causing the problem was something else entirely. Through a blood test and endoscopy I had done (due to some other problems I was having) I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease (an autoimmune disorder). Once I got treatment for my autoimmune disease, my problems with intercourse coincidentally disappeared! It must have had something to do with the high degree of inflammation my disease was causing. Anyway, I know it might sound strange, but for any women out there experiencing pain during intercourse–you may want to ask your doctor about testing for autoimmune disease, and Celiac Disease in particular. I wish someone has told me because it took me years to stumble upon the answer!
Yes! I’ve heard other women say the same thing. And it’s awful, because they have vaginismus and they start thinking, “I must have been sexually abused as a kid and I’ve forgotten it,” or “I must have some real hangups I don’t know about it”, and they drive themselves crazy. And it’s actually a physical thing! Vaginismus has so many different causes, and it really is important to figure out the right one before we start torturing ourselves about all the ways we may be messed up!
I was married four months ago, and my husband and I have not been able to have sex. I felt (and still do occasionally) like I have failed as a wife in not giving him the one thing I know he so desperately wants. Thank you for reminding me that my inability to have sex with my husband does not mean I have failed as a wife. And this is just something my husband and I will get through together.
I am so afraid that I may have vaginismus but I am so ashamed to admit that I haven’t even gotten to the point where I have felt any actual pain, because I am so afraid to even get to that point! I know that I am tensing up and he hasn’t even been inside me 1 inch! I have always been too afraid to wear tampons and the one time I tried to have a pap smear, I was too tense and I couldn’t relax to have it done. I’m worried that this means that I WILL definitely have pain with sex. We have been married for 1 year and 8 months and I feel like such a failure and a slave to this fear. I feel like I’m the only one.
Hi jessica, i share the same sentiment. You are not alone as you can see in all the posts here. I believe we can all get throught this. I’m going to try some of the ways i have read here and let you know which one will work. 🙂
God bless!
Jessica – please please please get medical help! See your doctor and try to get referred to a physiotherapist. I’ve had just what you’ve been experiencing, since I got married, and getting help was the best thing. Slowly slowly getting better. Talk to an older married woman about it too, you might be surprised at how common this is.
Most importantly, keep talking to your husband about it! Keep trying! Seeking this kind of help together can be such a good thing 🙂
Much love xx
Thankyou for sharing your story!
My husband and I celebrated 3 months of marriage today – and I have struggled with the same condition from the wedding night til now. Totally relate to the stress and anxiety you’ve shared about. Getting help pretty much straight away was the best thing I could have done. Psych and physio, helping slowly but surely 🙂 Being able to talk and pray about it with the husband is super important too.
xx
Hi Sheila& Lauren! I just stumbled onto your tweet on the story about vaginismus. Thanks for sharing this article. I’ve been married for 13 years and have had severe pain with sex our entire marriage. I have been to several doctors who never properly diagnosed me. First it was because of my endometriosis. Then they thought I had pelvic engorgement syndrome. Which was in incorrect diagnosis and led me to an unnecessary surgery. Then there were no answers. Today, I went to a new GYN. I was looking for my next steps for my pain and my walk through infertility. And she discovered just from trying to do my papsmear – which she couldn’t even finish because my pain was so bad – that I have vaginismus. For 13 years I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I thought there was something psychologically wrong with me and like you, Lauren, I felt like a failure. It’s so good to finally have an answer. So now I get the joy of starting therapy for this. I know seeing your article was Gods way of showing me I’m not alone. Sorry for spilling my guts, but just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you and to let you know that God is using you in a big way. Thank you.
Hi,
I can relate on this post! May I know who your doctor is? I badly need a Vaginismus doctor. I hope you can respond. Thank you!
Hi! I’m glad I found your article because I know I’m not alone. I’m a divorcee. My ex-husband wanted a divorce because of unconsummated marriage. On our first wedding night we knew something was wrong with me. We planned to see a specialist but it never happened. Aft 2years of marriage, I found out that he had an affair and wanted a divorce. I was devastated, lost and started blaming myself all the time.
Now, I would love to move on and find that someone special again but I’m afraid that the same thing will happen to me if my future husband finds out I’m suffering from vaginismus. I envy some of you for having such supportive and patient husbands. You are really lucky.
I really don’t know what should I do now. I feel like if I were to marry again, I’m being unfair to my future husband for not being able to have intercourse with him later on.
Nora, that’s so hard! I’m so sorry. but what I’d really advise is seeing a physiotherapist now and starting to work on it. You can get healing from it, and it would be great to do so now rather than live in fear of what might happen.
Male circumcision can also be a problem causing pain during sex. ‘Sex as Nature Intended’ helped us considerably.
Thank you so much for this blog! You just made me feel like I am not alone! I have the same problem, which I discovered on our honeymoon 4 months ago. Sex has been a struggle from the beginning and intercourse has been impossible without pain. I had to learn all of those points you listed the hard way. Sex is the only thing we fight about. I struggle so much with thinking that I am less of a woman because I cannot have sex. Every pregnancy announcement I hear is another cut in the open wound. I had a huge break down one night because I had a problem making french toast, just like your experience with preheating the oven. With the help of God and a counselor, I am finally learning how to deal with this correctly. I too had expected our sex to be awesome because we waited and did everything right. But I am learning that God never promised that. Sometimes His will seems unfair, but I just can’t see the big picture.
Oh, I’m so sorry, Brittany! I remember what it was like. I am sorry.
I do, however, recommend that along with a counsellor you also see a physiotherapist who specializes in pelvic floor health. There really are ways that they can help you!
Thank you! My doctor recommended dilators.
Today makes 4 months that me and my husband have been married.
The Lord blessed me with such a wonderful husband. As mentioned in this post though, we too were unable to have intercourse on our honeymoon. And even after we were eventually able to have intercourse, it has been very painful. I was diagnosed yesterday with Vaginismus.
I have felt like a failure and an incomplete woman for so long. And I still feel that way sometimes, not because any one tells me I am, but because I just feel that way because I can’t “deliver.” I feel like a disappointment. I feel sexually unsatisfied just because my body does not allow me to feel pleasure. I feel cheated like the post says. Which I know those feelings are not right, but I do not know how to overcome them.
I’m thankful to have a diagnosis, finally. And now, we can start working on curing it.
But in the mean time, do you have any suggestions to help us with intimacy since I cant give my husband everything I want to give him?
Please pray for us.
Emily, I have said a prayer for you! And my best recommendation is to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist. They really can work wonders!
And you can get through this. I did, and sex is wonderful now, with no problems at all. I never thought that would be possible. I’d just say that even without intercourse you can still touch each other and make each other feel good, and it’s really important that you feel good, too. So keep trying!