Does your marriage need a fresh start this new year?
Sometimes we get in these ruts where it seems like we’re always ticking each other off.
Think about it this way: How easy is it to turn an okay day into a horrible day? Pretty easy, right? Things are humming along and all of a sudden your husband says something that sounds insulting. You get your back up and respond in kind. He accuses you of not understanding him. And it escalates.
Today I want to share with you an idea that can stop that escalation.
So before I give you my idea, let’s go back to first principles.
What is it that we want in marriage?
We want to be heard, understood, and loved anyway.
But when you know he understands you and knows you, then it frees you up to talk about anything without fearing that you’ll be judged.
That’s why when we feel as if he doesn’t “get” us it hurts the most
If we feel misunderstood, or that he doesn’t care what we think about something, then that can throw us into a tizzy.
Here, for instance, is a letter that a reader sent in:

Reader Question
So what is the problem that she is facing right now?
It’s obvious, right? She has to get him to stop hurting her and to stop firing Nerf guns at her when she says no.
Well, actually, that’s not the problem, and here’s why: If she gets him to stop firing Nerf guns at her, he’ll likely still do something else that drives her nuts and that feels very embarrassing and dehumanizing to her again, because people make mistakes. And he obviously doesn’t understand the effect that he has on her.
So her problem is not the Nerf guns. Her problem is this:
The problem isn’t really Nerf guns. The problem is communication. She needs him to understand what she’s thinking, and she also needs to understand what he’s thinking.
So here’s our new marriage habit:
Start a marriage check-in, where you set aside time to talk
Set up a daily time when you sit together for at least 10 minutes, talk about your day, talk about your feelings, and “check in” with one another to see how things are going.
Then, set up a weekly check-in when you ask for feedback about what could be done differently, and you talk about any big decisions that need to be made or any big tasks that need to be divided up.
Try to do it in the same place every time, so that it’s obvious this is our “check-in”. Maybe you sit in the same place, maybe it’s always at the same time, maybe you always have mint hot chocolate. Maybe, if it’s less stressful, you even go out for a walk and check-in! Often men especially prefer to talk when they’re moving, and find sitting side by side a little uncomfortable while talking.
It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you do it consistently each time.
What Do We Talk About During a Marriage Check-In?
Your Daily Check-in Has Just One Component:
You learn from each other: What’s going on in your life?
Now, that sounds like a really open-ended question, which can scare a lot of spouses and make conversation actually hard. Especially if the spouse is an introvert, they hear that question and think, “does she want to know EVERYTHING that happened to me?” Same thing if you say to your spouse, “what did you do today?”
So we’re going to make it simple. Instead of asking a big open-ended question, you’re just going to share your high and low for the day. When did you feel most in the groove, most energized? When did you feel most defeated?
It doesn’t take very long, but you learn what’s important to your spouse; and you learn about each other’s emotional well-being. And here’s a bonus: you get to process your own emotions, too! I talked about the importance of this daily habit in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change a Marriage, too.
Are you PeaceKEEPING or PeaceMAKING?
Keith and I found that when we were apart for days at a time when he was on call in a different city, or I was travelling speaking, that this marriage check-in, even if done over the phone, helped us feel as if we still were close. It didn’t take long, but we still felt like we knew each other well.
For The Weekly Check-In, Add Two More Questions:
- Is there anything we need to decide/plan?
- What can we each do better in our marriage?
First share any business items–how are we going to decide on when to renovate the kitchen, or should we sign Johnny up for karate again this semester?
And now you ask the question: “What can I do better in our marriage to make you feel loved?” Each of you asks it, out loud. NOT “what did I do wrong?”, but “what can I do better?” Let’s be positive!
I’d also highly recommend praying with your husband during these times, too. If you’re uncomfortable with that, here are 10 ways to make prayer feel more natural in your marriage.
My daughters have both lived in houses with three roommates, and every Sunday night they sit together with a cup of tea and chat and have fun, but then they also bring up house business–who has to pay what bill, whether the chore list is working, or other issues that need to be raised, like someone keeping their music on too late at night. It reduces friction because everybody knows on Sunday we can talk about this and get it sorted out. And it’s not all negative, either, because that’s also when they plan together and drink tea together.
I think that’s a great idea, and I don’t know why more couples don’t do it, too!
Let’s return to our scenario and see how the wife can handle this situation using a marriage check-in:
1. Remove yourself from the uncomfortable situation
If she’s asked her husband to stop, and he refuses to stop with the Nerf guns, then she can say, “You’re not listening to me, and I want to talk about this at our check-in”, and then just walk into another room.
Often to try to discuss something that’s very emotional volatile at the time will backfire. It sure did for this wife! It’s usually better to leave it for a little bit until you’ve calmed down. Defuse the situation by leaving.
2. Use the check-in to explain you feelings
After you share your highs and lows and talk about business, then you can bring up your feelings about the Nerf guns.
Say something like,
But you don’t need him to understand that hitting you on the breasts really hurts. He may never get that. All he needs to understand is that when you say a certain word, you really want him to stop.
Most guys will totally go along with this, and if he won’t, then you really need to seek some outside help.
3. Ask what you can do differently, too
I really doubt that this husband was deliberately trying to hurt his wife. In the heat of the moment it may seem that way, but if you stand back and ask yourself, “Is my husband the type of person who would actually want to cause me physical or emotional harm?”, usually we’d say, “of course not!” (And if you can’t say ‘of course not’ to that problem, then read this post on Emotionally Destructive Marriages.)
So why was he shooting her with the Nerf gun? I don’t know, but it’s worth asking something like this:
There was nothing wrong with his initial instinct or desire, only with the way he carried it out. So just as he needs to affirm your boundaries, you can affirm his desires, too!
4. End with affirming prayers
And then, again, I’d really recommend praying, even just a few sentences, about how much you love each other and how to be more loving towards each other.
It really is that simple: create a time when you check-in and talk about your marriage on a regular basis. That way you deal with things as they come up, rather than letting them fester into something bigger. You learn more about how each other ticks. You feel heard and understood.
Most couples don’t set aside time to communicate, and that is a big mistake. When you know there’s going to be a specific time when you can bring things up, then it’s easier to let them go in the moment, and things often don’t escalate.
So start this year right and implement this one new habit. It will make a huge difference!
Let me know: Do you and your husband regularly talk about things? How do you make it a regular habit? Let’s talk in the comments!
My husband and I met a really rough patch in marriage about 4 years a go and this concept was a game-changer! God has revolutionized our communication and we can always tell when we are off our schedule of checking in regularly.
Each week we ask each other:
-What has God been teaching you this week?
-What footholds do you think the enemy may be trying to get in your life lately?
-How have I showed you love this week?
-How have you been showing me love this week?
-Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?
It’s been wonderful for both of us and helped us improve communication as well as grow spiritually. It also helps me, a share-it-when-you-think-it kind of gal to know that I’ll have a less emotionally-charged opportunity to share. It’s helped my husband who would rather keep things to himself to be asked if he wants to talk about anything.
Although the idea of a scheduled “meeting” felt a little rigid at first, it’s now become a time we look forward to – intentional, scheduled conversation.
That’s wonderful, Sarah! Thank you for sharing that.
Yeah, I can totally see that was a husband wanting to have fun and goof around with his wife in a guy way! And when guys roughhouse, they take some pain, when we ladies just don’t do that! ;-P
Nope. We don’t. I would not be impressed either! 🙂 But I do think he likely just wanted to have some fun. 🙂
Oh yeah, guys having fun… I usually just tell my husband that I’m not one of his brothers when the fun gets to tough for me. And he stops then. I gave birth without pain meds but i can’t take the roughhousing pains… 🙂
My husband was shooting me with a nerf gun last night and has taught our two year old how to shoot it. ? lol It does get annoying after a while. He shot at my breasts a few times but I know it would hurt more if I was PMSing like the writer of the letter and I probably would have had a similar explosion! I have been battling depression/anger and a lot of it is a communication thing. Thanks for this tip. I might bring it up with my hubby and see what he thinks and see if I can get him in on it. also, Id LOVE to see my husband start praying outloud with me more. Right now when we pray together it is just me praying. He will pray to himself but I’ve never heard him oray outloud except at dinner when he prays a rehearsed before you eat type prayer. How do you get your spouse to pray outloud more often?
We do something similar to this over coffee every morning, have been for the past decade, getting up before kids. The focus of our check-in is to discuss how we’ve been feeling, literally picking an emotion. This has been so beneficial for my husband to learn emotional awareness, something he didn’t have growing up. Surprisingly, it’s been really good for me, too. It helps us understand each other and feel heard at the same time. However, we’ve found we need to leave talking about trouble spots for another moment. Our morning coffees are a safe place where we don’t share negatives. Although, I can see how it would be good to have a weekly check-in for the sticky stuff. Great and simple technique, Sheila! Totally do-able for the new year!!
Oooooooh I can so relate to her feeling like her husband doesn’t take her seriously! Mine frequently thinks I’m just joking when I’m trying to express something to him, which of course makes me furious. We’ve had a couple of talks about it after I’ve calmed down. I’m very sensitive to feeling like I’m not being taken seriously. And when he actually ISN’T taking me seriously…man, it’s a perfect recipe to trigger me into flying off the handle. We’re working through it. It’s just taking time.
These are great ways to communicate with your spouse. I have all brothers, and they were all very rough with me. I let my husband know in the early parts of our relationship that I was looking for a romantic interest, not another brother. He heard me.
Communication is so key, isn’t it? At least 7 years ago, my husband and I started doing Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover. We began to communicate first weekly and eventually monthly about our budget. It changed our finances! Today, we still do it and that is the one area of our marriage where we literally have no friction. Another thing that we do is have monthly planning days where we make intentional plans for how we are going to use our time that month. We write out each of our commitments (i.e. him ushering at church, me singing on the worship team) and then talk about how we want to have over, when we will have a date, what day we will have family day, and so on. That has revolutionized our lives. We have never done anything exactly like you suggest in this article, but we do have a daily “Mom and Dad Time” after our evening meal, where we can talk about our days. I think it really helps.
I know this wasn’t the main subject of your post, but why should either spouse have to come up with a safe word other than “no” or “stop”? That sounds as straightforward as you can get!
I know, Ashley. I would be really frustrated, too. But I think many people grew up roughhousing where “no” didn’t actually mean stop. So they need to understand “this is it I mean it”.
I am so excited to do this. What a great way to jump start a new year! Thank you.
I have not finished reading this article yet. But I will take my time to , so I can get the message and don’t just jump into it as usual. I got here because I subscribed to your 5 lesson course on how to emotionally connect with your spouse.
We have drawn so far apart and we hardly really talk.
The truth is I am some what scared of starting this because most often our conversations don’t go well. We almost never agree… for instance when you say we could talk business.. for us I have drawn this conclusion that he has no understanding of what working as a team is. He hates commitments, things must be done at his convenience and I think only when he see the need for it. So if I am asking or suggesting for something and he cannot relate with it , it’s definately not gonna pull thru. As a result I tend to keep more to myself now.
Or is it wanting the kids to participate in some sports or activities.. it becomes an issue when we have to talk about things like this. All this because he is not willing to inconvenient himself for anything…
Right now I think it’s no use having to talk , but I really deep down in my heart i wish things could be better and we could communicate with more understanding but I am simply scared of walking that road. I would appreciate your thoughts on this. I desire us to be friends, to be able to have fun together and not be just parents .. that is what we are now.