Purity. Virginity.
We have two words in English to use about someone who has never had sex, but we don’t have words to use for people who have never said a swear word; never cheated on their taxes; never stolen anything.
So perhaps it’s no wonder that people who have had sex before marriage feel a degree of shame that people in the midst of other sins don’t.
When we have sex before we’re married we figure we’re in a special category of sinners. After all, we’re “pure” unless we have sex…That’s what we’re taught, isn’t it?
This week I’ve thought a lot about “lost purity” and the way we talk about it. I wrote my top post EVER on Tuesday–the 10 Things That Scare Me about the Purity Movement (my daughter’s post on why she didn’t rebel actually went more viral, but this is the top one that I actually wrote).
And I’ve had comments and emails and Facebook messages about it. And I’ve been transported back about 5 years when I was doing my surveys for my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. In those I asked people about their sexual history and what they think of sex now, and I left some blank spaces for people to comment anything they want. And so many of the comments that were left were about people’s baggage.
I wish so much that we had waited until marriage. The only one I’ve ever slept with is my husband, but we slipped up with just six weeks to go before our wedding. Why couldn’t I have waited? I have a hard time forgiving myself.
I grew up determined to wait until marriage, but we ended up sleeping together before we even engaged! It made me think of myself so much differently. I wasn’t a good Christian anymore, and we stopped going to church. I’ve started to read blogs again and I really want to take my kids to church, but I don’t know how to go back.
Sex before marriage still haunts me. I’ve never been able to relax during sex and I keep thinking that maybe the root is that I feel guilty? I don’t know. But it all seems like too much work.
So, so sad.
On the last two days as I’ve processed so many messages, I’ve gone on a lot of walks here in Florida (it’s cold, by the way. Not as cold as at home, but still cold!) while my husband and staying in our RV, trying to think of what I want to say to all of these women.
A good friend left a Facebook message where she said that she always felt like “Mary Magdalene”. She had had sexual partners before. Her husband was a virgin. And his friends grilled her like crazy, because they didn’t think she was good enough for him because of her past.
And so I want to talk to all of those who feel like Mary Magdalene.
But I’m in a tough spot. I really want people to wait until marriage for sex. It saves so much heartache! God commands it. It does tend to make sex better in the long run, because you don’t have baggage. I want to be that cheerleader, cheering people on to the finish line!
But I’m sure most people who DIDN’T wait would agree with me. They just feel badly now.
After we say our first swear word, we don’t wonder how to get our “clean mouth” back. But after we have sex–we realize our virginity is gone forever.
I think so many of us in Christian leadership (and I’d put myself in this category) don’t know how to handle this. If we give TOO MUCH grace, and talk about how God loves you and how everything can be brand new–then what message does that give everybody else about waiting?
And so we say very little to those of you who are stuck in guilt and disappointment.
Disappointment at yourself for not living up to your own expectations. Disappointment that you’ve lost something and there’s nothing you can do. Disappointment that who you thought you were has come crashing down.
This week, after my post, I’ve been driven back to the Bible a lot to see what Jesus said. And I’ve come to a few conclusions.
Jesus was never scared that too much grace would mean that people would feel they had the freedom to mess up.
On the contrary, Jesus always came down on the side of lavish grace. He told Mary Magdalene that what she did with the oil would be told to people forever, but no one would remember those Pharisees names who looked down their noses at her and judged her.
And Paul?
Paul got the order of sin and grace right.
He had just finished explaining in Romans 5 how amazing grace was, and then he addresses this issue: but if grace is so great, then what’s to keep people from sinning? (That’s exactly our question–if grace is so great, why would people wait until marriage?)
Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.
Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. (Romans 6:1-6)
He’s saying: We don’t stop sinning so that we can have a good relationship with God; we have a good relationship with God and that causes us to stop sinning.
Preaching grace won’t make people all decide to sin like crazy–not if it’s real grace. If they truly understand Christ’s love, they’ll have the Holy Spirit to help them. They’ll be renewed!
Here’s John 8:10-11, where Jesus is talking to the woman caught in the act of adultery who was about to be stoned:
Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”
“No, Lord,” she said.
And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”
Jesus said “Go”. Go. Do we understand how important that little word is?
He says,
Don’t be stuck here where there’s judgment. Don’t stay here where all you can think about is what you’ve done wrong. Go live your life! You’re free. Go and grow, and bless others, and enjoy what you’ve been given. Go and live abundantly! Whatever you do, just don’t stay here. This isn’t who you are anymore.
And that’s what I want you to hear today: This isn’t who you are anymore.
And so, to all who mourn lost purity, I want to say this:
I hope nothing I’ve said, and nothing any other Christian leader has said, has ever made you feel “less than”.
I hope nothing I’ve said, and nothing you’ve ever heard in Christian circles, has ever made you feel that you can’t have great sex now, in your marriage!
I hope that nothing I’ve said, and nothing you’ve ever heard from the pulpit, has ever made you feel that you’ve committed a worse sin than anyone else.
Let’s be honest: there may always be disappointment that you didn’t do things differently. But that’s part of life! And as God’s grace abounds, and as you realize more and more that it is HE who makes you pure, not what you do yourself, I think your heart gets bigger. You walk a little lighter. You become more humble, but that also makes you more excited to share with others what God has done. You feel joy to a different level.
Your story didn’t start at the moment you lost your virginity, and it didn’t end there, either. Yes, it may have been a defining moment for you, but God doesn’t want that defining moment to be a negative in your life. He wants it to, in retrospect, be an opportunity to really “get” grace.
He wants you to understand there never was lost purity, because your purity was always only in what He did for you in the first place.
So, please, don’t stay stuck there. That’s not what God wants. Jesus already reconciled you; it’s done. It’s now your choice whether you’ll stay there, defining yourself by that one moment of what YOU did, or whether you will GO, and define yourself by what Jesus did.
Go, my dear ones. Go. Please.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thank you for talking about these issues.
I think you are right that we take sexual sin and the one thing we can never undo.
I think the real issue is having a pure mind. Whether you are a virgin or not and before and after marriage, we need to have pure minds.
Our bodies are not impure because we have had sex, before or after marriage. But, our minds and desires may have been impure if we engaged in sinful sexual behavior.
But, at any given time one can choose to purge sinful lust and give ones mind over to Christ and have a pure mind.
And this is a life-long issues. After marriage, one still needs to be committed to having a pure mind and one that is not given to illicit lust.
We will sin, not everyone with premarital sex, but we will all sin in different ways. The issue is to not live in a pattern of sin and a lifestyle of rebellion. The issue is to repent and not let sin reign in our bodies or control our bodies. We are pure because we walk before God in sincerity and obedience. That is an ongoing walk not a one time opportunity that can be permanently forfeited.
Your last sentence says it all: “That is an ongoing walk not a one time opportunity that can be permanently forfeited.” Right on!
I feel I can never be married because I will always feel like a traitor to any woman I marry because I did not wait. I fell in love once with the wrong person. She was a non-Christian. I made a terrible decision, and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. What I have lost is the experience of innocence in intimacy for the first time.
I WILL NEVER HAVE THAT EXPERIENCE AND CAN NEVER HAVE IT NOW.
I beg anyone who has never committed sexual sin, especially with another: do not ever yield to the temptation! I don’t know of any way back to the way you were before. I have searched, and only an empty hole remains of what I used to be.
If anyone knows a way, please share it. I don’t. I can never interact with a Christian woman in a marriage the way I might have. I am horrified by what I have done, by the decision to throw this away.
Great article! I can say first and foremost that j have absolutely been forgiven from my sin and that I walk with a clear conscience today, allowing God to use my story to help others. I had multiple partners before meeting my husband and then we slept together before marriage and conceived our son before marriage. However all of that has been redeemed and I feel totally free in His grace and love. I really aim to impart your teachings in my kids lives when they are older because I want them to have a healthy respect for sex while understanding where it belongs (marriage) instead of like when I was growing up being told sex is horrible to a point where I rebelled and wanted to do it even more. Loved the post on purity culture too.
That’s wonderful, Bethany!
I wish I had waited. Much dysfunction could possibly have been averted. I wish even more that there had been a Christian in my life back then that had said to me what you have written. I carried so much shame and guilt and made some further bad decisions trying to “right my wrong” and stop thinking of myself as damaged goods.
But I thank God that he put enough people in my life in the more recent past to point me back to Jesus as the source of my righteousness and purity, and who loved me before I was born and covered ALL of my sins. And some days I can even remember that. 😉
Somehow your comment made ne think of this quote:
“Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves for not knowing what we didn’t know until we learned it.”
Oh, I like that quote! Thank you! 🙂
What seems so easy to forget is that every sin makes us impure. We have ALL lost our purity. Every. One. Of. Us. Christ tells us that even though our sins be scarlet, he can make us white again. He is the only way to purity. The real test is whether you believe His words and believe His grace. Come unto Him, and let him take your sins. Trust that His grace makes you new.
He constantly calls us to keep all his commandments, but there is never a point when He stops extending his grace to us.
Exactly!
Thank you! I needed this today. I grew up in a family that tried to use the Bible to put fear into me so that I would follow their rules and not walk off of their path that they wanted me to go down. I have lived with many years of guilt and shame… feeling like I was the worst possible Christian because I slept with my husband before we were married. I even remember a conversation with my mom telling me that I wasn’t pure anymore because of what I had done and that they didn’t raise me to me like that. I’m walking through a very difficult time right now because of all the emotional abuse and mind games that my parents played with me in order to make me fear walking from God’s path for me so I wouldn’t sin. I struggle now with knowing if God really does love me. My parents never have.. they think they do but they don’t. It has been a very sick love to try to control every part of my life. I have a lot to learn and healing to go through because of this way of thinking. Thank you for encouraging me today that there is hope and that God does love me despite my past.
I’m so glad I could encourage you! I pray that God really speaks to your heart and lets you know how much you are loved.
Hilary, I totally understand where you’re coming from and what you’re going through. I’m working through a lot of the same issues. And it’s HARD! But it is so necessary for us to sort through what was false and grieve the loss of not having the parents we needed to come to realize that we always had a true and loving parent in God through Jesus. Don’t give up! <3 {{{HUGS}}}
Hi DragonLady! Thank you for understanding! Would there be any way that I could connect with you and learn a little about your journey? I am honestly just starting and don’t have anyone in my life that has walked through this. My email is [email protected]. Thank you again!
Sent you an email. Without proofing first. 🙂
I just need to comment on something. I’ve had some people say on other forums about this article that Jesus said “sin no more”, and I didn’t talk about that part of His statement.
You’re right. I didn’t.
Here’s why: the people that this article is addressed to ALREADY KNOW THAT. That’s why they feel so badly–they’re already feeling the weight of what they did. That didn’t need to be said.
What I am trying to do is evening the balance and the scales a bit. I don’t think there’s a need to point out that this behaviour is wrong–if they didn’t think it was wrong, they wouldn’t need this article in the first place. What people need is to know there is redemption, and that they can “Go”! There’s freedom. There’s good news!
I realize that Jesus said two things, but what we have done in purity circles, I believe, is to say really only one: “sin no more”. So today I am adding the balance. And if some people think I’m erring too much on the side of grace–well, I’ll happily take that criticism.
Thank you for that Grace. Because if we have sinned and we cannot have any more Grace – we are thrown away with no hope. I dont see no Hope when I read Gods word. I see love . Yes I know you cannot do it every day and just say sorry – forgiveness comes from truly repenting and building a relationship with God.Seeking Him. Giving Him glory and transforming daily. So He can give you what you need to overcome your sinful ways. I believe without God we can do nothing. Only He is holy. And that is the whole point of Jesus dying on the cross. Thank you for Grace Lord even when we dont deserve it. Because love casts out all fear…. Saying we dont sin is a lie. You are blind to your faults and this is worse then sinning openly because you cannot be saved from you sin this way.
Thank you for taking on this difficult issue, Sheila. I’m sure you’re getting some push back on it, because “Purity” seems to have become an idol in some part of the church. Thanks for working to balance out the message.
Go! So important. He said that first. He could have said it in reverse. Sin no more, now go.
But he didn’t. The primary message was Go.
And if you Go! You will be escaping the snare. Keep moving. That momentum will keep you from stumbling and even if you stumble you’ll fall forward. Go!
When I met my husband I told him all. I knew who I was but I wasn’t really sorry about it yet. His reaction gave me such a fright. And I realized what I was doing. What I had done. I got pregnant and we lost her. I was and still am heart brocken. Years later we had more children. So blessed. But I allowed him to teach me as a tarnished human being because I thought that is what I was. We got married a few years ago only, only because I nagged. It was becoming an issue for me. Dont get me wrong I love my husband and he me, and our children are everything. It is just that thing and I have learnt we teach people how to treat us. I take responsibility for this. Communication is an issue for me. It just doesn’t come out – gets stuck .
” He’s saying: We don’t stop sinning so that we can have a good relationship with God; we have a good relationship with God and that causes us to stop sinning.
Preaching grace won’t make people all decide to sin like crazy–not if it’s real grace. If they truly understand Christ’s love, they’ll have the Holy Spirit to help them. They’ll be renewed!”
Im not second hand – not if I have accepted Gods love and in this I can see myself wanting to change and do it with heart and soul. Not because of religion. It is amazing God has transformed me from glory to glory. But my one thing was how I felt inside. Its like the basin is cracked. And you can keep it if you want but it has a defect.. I felt like I deserved that. Thank for this piece. It is so easy to judge people. And then there is this thing you not good at and you become judged…
But my heart tells me I am not supposed to feel and live like that. God repairs and heals. Amen
Based on my premarital promiscuous past, I used to have many times that I felt like “damaged goods.” But what you’re talking about here is so true. I felt freed when I truly embraced 1 Corinthians 6:9-11: “Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral . . . will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” Just because I used to be sexually immoral doesn’t mean I’m not 100% pure now by the grace of Jesus Christ.
I absolutely want people to wait — because I know the injury done to one’s soul, heart, and life for wrong choices — but I also know redemption. My God is big enough to cover any and every sin and to restore me to relationship with Him. Thanks, Sheila! As you can tell, I love this post.
This might just show that I am not as saved as I need to be, but when I read these posts I truly do not understand. I fully understand waiting until marriage, and I fully understand God wanting you to wait for marriage. I even fully understand that God wants you to wait for marriage because (in my interpretation) the giving of bodies to each other is the ultimate act of submission, of love, and way to show your spouse they are cherished. It is also within a Godly marriage that feelings and dignity are protected. However, I am at a loss as to the shame some women feel about having sex especially if they married their partner. Rapes, incest, abuse, those I understand how shame can play in, but not in other cases. My husband and I had sex well before we were ever engaged or married. And while, when looking at the circumstances, having sex when we did was most likely a lack of respect to him (because let’s get one thing straight- he led me away from the bedroom, and I, like Eve with the fruit, led him into the bedroom) I do not regret all those nights together. We talked, we laughed, and we were so close during that season of our relationship. As things cooled due to life and school, we were left with an extremely tight bond. We have weathered long distance relationships, job losses, mental illness, and children. Our relationship has not always been perfect, but it has always been solid.
When I look at the word regret the synonym I would use is shame. When I think of repent I associate remorse, but not necessarily shame. I repent that I did not follow God’s design for dating and marriage. I repent and regret any disrespect that I may have caused my husband that first night. However, I am not ashamed nor do I regret any of that intimate time. So, how does one deal with this? I want to repent that I did not follow God’s design, and I have; but there is no way I can show God that I will never do it again. I am very happily married to my husband. We have had 11 wonderful years together, 6 of them married to each other, and God willing we will have 50 + more. So, if you do not regret the acts, but repent the circumstance how does that work?
This resonates with me. My husband and I were sexually active when we were dating, for a year. I became a Christian, he experienced a renewal in his relationship with Christ, and we quit having sex for the subsequent two years before we got married. So when I look back on a 34-year relationship, I don’t section off that portion of our relationship and think of it as “the bad time.” I’m thankful for our whole history. If that makes me a lousy Christian, oh well.
Bless you! I can’t tell you what this means to me!
I’m still stuck in the past. I regret having sex for the first time(I gave myself to my ex on the last day of dec. 2016). I’m consumed with sadness and regret. I thought I was going to be fine afterwards but i’m not. I came to realize that my ex lied to me about wanting a relationship. He broke up with me two weeks after we had sex. At the time I believed his reasons as to why he wanted to break up. I was so stupidly blinded by love. Now I don’t think about that jerk. I just think about how I blindly trusted someone and that led to a world of hurt. I’m not the person who i used to be now I’m dead. I’m just existing not living. I haven’t felt joy or happiness since january. I feel that I will be like this for the rest of my life. I don’t think I will be able to cope with this crippling sadness and regret. Every night I wish to not wake up. I have very little hope that one day I might feel better. I’ve repented and asked God for forgiveness and I know he forgives me but I certainly can’t forgive myself.
I’m so sorry, sl. That’s so incredibly hard–and I’m so sorry he was such a jerk to you! You did not deserve that.
I just want to offer an alternative point of view that I was once told by someone very wise. When we have a hard time forgiving ourselves, it’s because we feel like we need to make up somehow what we’ve lost. We feel that we’ve done something so horrible that we can’t possibly move on.
But the Bible tells us something different. It talks about grace, peace, and joy. And it can be hard to find that when we’re wrapped up in guilt.
So here’s that woman’s advice: stop focusing on trying to forgive yourself, and start praying that God reveals Himself to you. Because the more you understand who God is, and what He has done, and how much He loves you and sees you as precious, you won’t need to forgive yourself in the same way. Christ has already forgiven you. A lot of the time our ideas about ourselves aren’t a problem as much with what we’ve done as they are with how we understand Him. Because it’s really hard to grasp how much He loves, especially when we feel that we’ve failed.
So please know that you are precious and loved–and pray that God just showers you in His love. He wants to show you how much you matter to Him–but at times fear that we’ve messed up too badly can get in the way of us feeling that love. So don’t believe the lie. God has a lot more in store for you.