Is your sex life moving in the right direction?

It’s been a crazy week here on the blog. On Tuesday, my post on the 10 things that scare me about the purity movement went NUTS, and became my biggest post ever. Well, my daughter’s post on why she didn’t rebel was bigger, but I didn’t write that one. 🙂 But it’s meant that we’ve been talking about purity and thinking about purity for a while now.

And one of the things that occurs to me is that we think too much in terms of “either I’m in the in-crowd or I’m not”, either I’m accepted or I’m not, either I’ve arrived or I haven’t. We’re very much black and white thinkers–and we tend to look at the past to figure out where we are now.

Now, Every Friday I like to post a 400 word inspirational “Marriage Moment”, and today I thought I’d run with this concept of how we’re either accepted or not and look at how it applies to another aspect of marriage: are you moving towards each other or away from each other?

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Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Are You Moving in the Right Direction?

Being more adventurous in bed, initiating sex, having some fun–these are all wonderful things I promote a ton.

But after one of those posts, a woman recently emailed me saying,

I have a history of abuse – guys forcing me to touch them – and so I have this aversion to touching my husband sexually. I enjoy sex, but I don’t do much touching during it. Will I ever get through this?

Another woman commented saying that the whole idea of having a “quickie“, like I posted on Facebook recently, is just too difficult, because her husband using her for sexual pleasure gives her flashbacks. And then, of course, there were all the women we heard from last week who are suffering from vaginismus and find sex painful.

Will they ever experience sexual freedom?

A lot of women have major issues when it comes to sex, either because they’ve brought baggage into their marriage, or because marriage has given them baggage. It may be the one area you and your husband fight about a lot, and it’s never clicked. And you find yourself worried about whether you can get better.

I believe that with most things in life, what matters is not so much where we are but the direction in which we are going.

A woman who has enjoyed a great sex life in the past, but who currently barely talks to her husband and is preoccupied with the kids, is actually probably in worse shape than a woman who has never experienced an orgasm and has a hard time relaxing during sex, but is enthusiastic about working through these issues. In the long run, the person with the right attitude will come out better than the person who started in a better place but isn’t putting in the effort to maintain anything.

So if you’re unable to experience that real pleasure, then stop thinking of yourself as a failure. Instead, just focus on moving in the right direction.

You want to feel more relaxed, more confident, and more positive about sex. Not COMPLETELY relaxed, COMPLETELY confident, or COMPLETELY positive about sex–just MORE tomorrow than today. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Just commit to keeping an open mind, a positive attitude, and a “we’re going to have fun soon!” attitude.

Don’t worry about what’s happened before–just look at where you’re going now.

It’s attitude that shows your husband you love him, and it’s attitude that will unlock the door to eventual sexual freedom. So don’t give up–just keep moving in the right direction. That’s ultimately what brings real closeness.

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Friday Round Up - Is your Sex Life Moving in the Right Direction?

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

This is the first week that the #1 posts in ALL categories have all been the same post! It seriously went really big. So for all the others, I’ll enter in the #2 posts!

FB Purity Culture - Is your Sex Life Moving in the Right Direction?

#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Top 10 Things That Scare Me About the Purity Movement
#2 on the Blog Overall: 20 2-Player Games to Play with Your Husband
#2 from Facebook: Why I Didn’t Rebel (my 19-year-old daughter explains)
#2 from Pinterest: Top 10 Ways to Initiate Sex

I Just Want to Say Thank You

It’s funny, but I never actually planned to write that big post on Tuesday. I’m in Florida right now, sitting in an RV with my husband in a thunderstorm. But we took off last weekend, and met up with the RV in South Carolina where we left it in the fall.

Here I am, without makeup and all!

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Before we left, I worked hard to get ahead on the blog. I had a week of posts written and scheduled, but for some reason I left Tuesday blank. I was hoping to get a guest post or something.

When the guest post didn’t materialize, I decided on Monday night to write that, since the discussion on the purity movement on Facebook had gone so well. And lo and behold, that post went bigger than I could have imagined. Tens of thousands of people read it on Tuesday alone.

(If you haven’t read it yet, it’s right here: what the purity culture gets wrong).

And then, after that, I started hearing on Facebook and in emails and comments from women who are still living with such shame because they didn’t do things the “right” way. And I thought: God does not want our marriages hurt just because we messed up in the past. When we marry, He makes us one flesh. He creates a new entity with us. We are new! For so many of my readers, the only person they ever slept with before marriage was the one they married. But they still couldn’t deal with the guilt.

God doesn’t want us stuck there. So I took what was scheduled to be Thursday’s post and moved it, and wrote probably one of my most heartfelt posts yet on the grace for those who feel like they’ve “lost purity“.

I felt badly writing that post, because, in a way, I feel like perhaps I haven’t done enough to dispell that false guilt. I write so much on how sex is meant for marriage (because it is) and how people who wait for marriage tend to have better sex lives (because they do), but I don’t think I stress enough that Jesus redeems. Just because we don’t follow His plan doesn’t mean that we’ve lost His plan–like we can never get back on the right road. And Jesus can work incredible things in marriages when we bare ourselves before Him.

So I thought a change of emphasis was needed, just to provide some balance.

I’m a little raw this week reading about everybody’s pain. I pray that something I said may alleviate some of it for somebody.

Hey, Canada: We Found Your Robins

So we’re down south driving around, doing a bit of birdwatching and then working in the RV.

It’s so fun to see just swarms of robins! To me robins mean happiness because they mean spring has arrived. And they’re all down here!

We’ve been walking the beaches a bit and enjoying ourselves, but it isn’t hot by any means. But it’s a lot better than freezing and snow!

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I’m Coming to Georgia Next Week!

We’re getting all geared up for my Girl Talks in Georgia next week! Check out the Events page for more details. And then I’ll be in Texas starting on February 6.

But remember: We’re driving back through the Atlantic states in April to bring the RV home, so if you’d like to book a Girl Talk–email my assistant Tammy! It’s such a fun evening where I talk marriage & sex, and it works amazingly well as an outreach for your church, too. And it pays for itself. So let’s get this going!

Have a great weekend, everyone.

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