Can you move past it? Can you get over and forgive something your husband did?
Every Wednesday we talk marriage! And today I want to tackle how to get past a major hurt in your marriage.
Deciding to Move Past the Hurt
Every week I get dozens of emails from women whose husbands have used porn; had affairs; gambled away their money. And many of them ask the same thing: How do I move past this?
Here’s one letter I recently received:
A year ago I found an app on my husband’s phone that lets him talk to women anonymously. I found out that he had been sexting other women and telling them about our sex life (which was almost non-existent at the time). I confronted him (with the help of some friends) and he apologized. We saw a counselor to try to work it through but that was useless. I did say I forgave him, but I feel like it more got swept under the rug. Now I find myself always resenting him and I never want to have sex. How can I move past this?
That’s such a hard situation, and rebuilding trust can’t be rushed.
Often we do rush it–we say “I forgive you” because we think that’s the only way to hold on to the marriage, and we’re desperate to keep that marriage together. But then we never really examine our own grief or anger, and we never deal with the underlying causes.
I wholeheartedly believe in taking some time to have hard conversations, and taking a period to rebuild trust. I believe in putting controls on your phones, tablets and computers when these have been tools used to violate the marriage covenant. I believe in mentor couples and in setting up accountability partners. I believe in taking time before we try to rebuild a sex life after a major betrayal, because rushing physical intimacy before there’s emotional and spiritual intimacy can wreck a sex life.
And quite often to move past it we need a third party to walk us through.
So I would advise this woman to find another counsellor, or at least a mentor couple, and make sure that things haven’t been swept under the rug. You need to have those hard conversations and hash things out openly and honestly.
In fact, I’ve written about how to deal with some of these difficult problems in these posts:
- 4 Things You Must Do If Your Husband Uses Porn
- What to do when you Discover Your Husband is Having an Affair
- Are You a Spouse or an Enabler? (about confronting major sin)
- Ten Truths About Emotionally Destructive Marriages
- How to Forgive Your Husband
And then I’ve written about how to move forward–slowly–and rebuild intimacy, in these posts:
- How to Rebuild Trust After a Porn Addiction
- When Do I Let My Husband Back into My Bed? (about when to start having sex again)
- Rebuilding Intimacy After a Porn Addiction (about how to start having sex again)
But that being said, I now want to say something that is going to sound harsh.
Once he has repented; once he has shown that he is trustworthy by getting those filters and that accountability partner; once he has committed to make some changes–then the ball is in your court.
There is nothing he can do to change the past.
There is no magical formula for moving past any of this.
There is no book you can read that can heal you; nothing that he can say to fix it; nothing that any counselor can do.
Ultimately it is a decision that you–and only you–can make.
And it is a decision that you MUST make, one way or the other.
Deciding to stay in the marriage takes more than just deciding not to leave. It also means deciding that you will commit to rebuilding intimacy.
Again, as I said before, this can’t be rushed, and if things have been swept under the rug, then of course lift up that rug and start having those conversations.
But at some point you will need to answer this question:
Do I want an intimate marriage again, or do I want to remain angry and bitter and caught up in the images of what my husband did?
I know forgiveness is so, so hard. But our God is a forgiving God. Our God is the God of reconciliation. He loves bringing together two groups that were previously enemies and making them intimate friends! He loves reforging those bonds and making them stronger than ever.
That is who God is. That is His very nature. And you were made in the image of God! When you run after Jesus and start acting like Jesus by practicing that kind of lavish forgiveness (again, only after repentance and trust has been rebuilt), I believe that God laughs so joyously. I believe that this is the biggest victory in your marriage–it’s not the fact that your husband stopped the porn or stopped the affair; it’s not the fact that you both decided to work on the marriage. It’s the fact that you let the debt go.
In Matthew 18, Jesus is talking about how to deal with sin. After giving instructions for how to handle a fellow believer who is sinning against you, He says this:
I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (verses 18-20).
Think about this spiritual power: when we forgive here on earth, it has heavenly repercussions! And interestingly, in this passage about sin and forgiveness, Jesus then talks about prayer. He says that when you agree together, your prayers will be answered, and He will be with us.
In some amazing way, forgiveness is the gateway through which the power of God flows into your marriage.
But once again, forgiveness is up to you.
I can’t tell you how to get past it or how to move beyond the hurt, except to say this: it’s a daily, even hourly, choice that you make. As I said in my book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, it’s that decision, when you are reminded of what your husband did, to take that thought captive and discard it (2 Corinthians 10:5). It’s that decision that you will think on positive things about your husband:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:8-9).
Do you see what’s neat about that? When you decide to think these positive things, then peace will follow.
Sometimes we need to let go of a marriage
If you are married to a serial adulterer, an unrepentant porn user, an abusive person, or an emotionally destructive person, then in these cases, separation and even divorce may be necessary.
I am not saying that all marriage situations need reconciliation.
But if you have decided to reconcile, then you must also decide to forgive
You can't decide to stay in this marriage, despite the hurt, without also choosing to forgive. Click To TweetAnd that decision is an active one. It may not be something you feel at first, but it is a decision to think and act a certain way. And that changes the whole dynamic of your marriage! He no longer is in this impossible situation of always having to fix the past, which he can’t do. And God’s power is released in your marriage in an amazing way.
I firmly believe that some of the most amazing work that God does through our forgiveness. And I believe that God wants to help you forgive.
But ultimately He leaves it up to you.
The one thing that you cannot do is reconcile but then choose to keep dwelling on the infraction. If you are going to reconcile and commit to the marriage, then you must also commit to moving past this and forgiving him.
The ball’s in your court.
What will you do?
Now it’s your turn! I want to give other marriage bloggers a chance to link up their marriage posts in the Wifey Wednesday linky below. Just leave the URL below, and then point your readers back here so other people can read these great marriage posts!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I really needed this today. I am overwhelmed lately by hate and bitterness and desperately need forgiveness. I have discovered my husbands porn abuse several times in our 20 month marriage and each time decided to “just forgive him”. I’ve always been a “nice person” and “peacemaker” but I’m realizing as I read your book and come across what you say about subservience and being an enabler and such that maybe I’ve been wrong. I didn’t even realize until your post a couple days ago that rape within marriage was still considered rape which has happened as well. As I read your posts I feel instead of being nice I have been just plain stupid somehow thinking I was being “submissive” and “respectful” by allowing him to be a monster. And instead of actually forgiving, I was just sweeping it under the rug to avoid conflict and seething inside building a mountain of hate till now I just can’t stand him. I don’t want him to touch me or talk to me(though I still allow these things) he seems to me more like a creepy stranger I’m living with. Yet he seems two different people. I know there’s a good guy somewhere. The guy I married, the guy that shows up every now and then, the guy that really really wants to be a good guy. But so often instead I live with this crazy angry manipulative wierdo that I do not know. I sometimes fear for myself and my babies yet I feel I cannot leave because I would be abandoning the good guy forever and I really think he has possibilities. So I guess I am in a pickle agreeing that I need true forgiveness also thinking it isn’t possible to “move on” without something else. When I try to talk to him about it he does not listen. I might as well speak in chinese.
Hi Laura! I’m so sorry, but I’m so glad that you’ve found my articles. Can I suggest something? It really sounds like you need a third party, like a counselor, to work through this with you. It sounds like there’s a lot of hurt and a lot of dangerous behaviour, and it really needs to be brought to light. Can you ask your pastor for a recommendation for a counselor? Or do you know of one? Focus on the Family also has a list of counselors.
I really talk at length in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage about the difference between being a spouse and being an enabler, and that may help you get your thoughts straight as you try to find someone to talk to. I really hope that helps!
Thank you Sheila. I did go once to a pastor by myself and though he was encouraging to some extent his answer was that if I respect him more he would love me and everything would be fine. So I read the whole love and respect book and made a bunch of notes and posted them to my bathroom mirror. But while that was somewhat helpful in a way to try to focus on the good instead of the bad it wasn’t solving our problems. Then I watched the movie war room and decided I needed to pray for him more. I think the answer to my prayer came in the form of your book that I mistakenly got from the library. I devoured it and also ordered your “9 thoughts” book which I just finished this morning. It was preaching directly at me. While I say my husband has been world’s less than kind and loving and has hurt me very deeply, I am willing to take the responsibility for it. I have been a nice person not a good person, a peacekeeper instead of a peacemaker and sugar instead of salt. I was under the delusion that I was being a good christian wife but I have actually been neglectful and enabling my husband to ruin himself and our relationship. By God’s grace I am turning it around though. I know it will be tough and a long road and I agree with the other comments that it is just too hard sometimes to overcome the betrayal, but I am willing to start on that road. I also hesitate about counseling and pastors as so very many of them I have been acquainted with have turned out to be addicted to the same filth and I wouldn’t want them pushing us further down the same road.
I’m sorry you were given the horrible advice to “respect him more” to end HIS porn problem. I think “Love and Respect” is a terrible book for promoting that mindset.
I’m glad you’re turning things around.
I love this post, Sheila. You’ve given us so many resources to back up what you say here too. I’ll be sharing this one in the Twittersphere for sure! Thanks for the linkup, my friend!
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Thanks, Beth! And I’m sorry the linky was late getting up today if you were looking for it earlier! I keep having issues with wifi when I’m traveling, and I didn’t schedule it in time!
Hi, there, Sheila,
I so appreciate this blog! You help so many women walk through their pain. It’s so much needed in this time we’re living in. I appreciate this article on forgiveness, something so very hard to do when betrayed but so very necessary. May I suggest, though, that your comment , “I am not saying that all marriage situations need forgiveness and reconciliation” is not going to bring peace to those women who will do just that – not forgive. Yes, it still needs to totally go through the process of counseling, healing etc. but until a person forgives absolutely everything others have done to them they will not have peace in their heart. Resentment will build up again, I know this. No, not all marriages can be reconciled, I understand that one well, but forgiveness must still happen in the heart even if reconciliation can’t be made. This is a very hard step to take, even seems so unfair, but the Lord will bless it with peace that passes understanding. That is something you don’t want to be without once you’ve experienced it. Thanks again for the great job you do!
That’s a great point! Thanks for adding that. Yes, we still need to forgive, even if the marriage isn’t reconciled.
This article was much needed for me at this point in my life. I have been married for well over 10 years. I am also a pastor’s wife. I have just recently admitted that I am in an emotionally abusive marriage. I was always taught that divorce was a sin no matter what. As a pw I also felt I had to support his ministry no matter what and not cause anyone else to stumble. I am even cautious in what I write here because I do not want to be accused of hurting the ministry in some way. I am always told I need to forgive and forget so we can move on. There are other issues in the marriage as well such as porn and alcoholism. These have often times been rationalized or explained away. My concerns have shifted from my marriage to my children and their well being. I do not want their faith waiver or to think that what they have seen is normal or acceptable. Just because someone asks for forgiveness and says they are going to change does not mean they are.
Oh, Mrs. PW, that’s so awful! I’ve actually written a much longer post about what to do if your husband is in ministry and uses porn, and I’m just going to point you to that here. I would agree–you don’t want your children thinking that this is normal.
And God does not bless a ministry when the head of it is sick. Look what happened to the kingdom of Israel when David sinned! There were repercussions. Your responsibility is not to your husband’s ministry; it is to your children and to your husband’s soul. If your husband is doing something that is endangering the family, endangering your sanity, and endangering his own relationship with God, then the issue is not forgiveness. The issue is how to move your husband towards healing, and pushing it under the rug won’t do it. I pray that you do find a way through this situation so that both of you can find some real healing!
Hi Shelia, this is a fantastic and very wise post. I will also say that I had an appalling experience with counselling. The guy was recommended by our church and is respected, however he just inflamed our situation further and only caused more conflict and strife in what was already an horrific situation. I personally am not a fan of counselling. I don’t want to deter those who are. But for us, it only made things worse and I would never go down the route of counselling again. I have heard other people say similar.
Four and a half years ago my husband confessed a porn addiction that he had been lying to my face about for 13 years. Not only lying, but making out I was crazy for not believing the thing I found on the computer many years ago was a ‘one time silly little thing’.
We still have not moved on. I have tried and tried and read and read. You said in your post that if someone stays in a marriage, then that includes intimacy. I agree with what you are saying, however I personally have no interest whatsoever in being intimate with this guy, despite reading all the posts to suggest otherwise.
I think perhaps sometimes you really need to walk in someone’s shoes before fully being able to comprehend how you would react in a similar situation. It is easy to look in from the outside and give theory on how someone should act, but unless someone has been in a similar situation it can be difficult to predict how they would react and behave under the same pressures.
For me personally, I have accepted that I am stuck with this guy and will never have a ‘happy’ marriage. We co-exist Ok but we don’t have a thriving marriage and I’ve come to the point of being Ok with that and accepting it, knowing I have done everything in my power to do otherwise. It is not so easy to leave when someone has cheated on you via porn over many years and deceived you into thinking it was fine to have children and build up a life together. I now am trapped.
This life we live isn’t often ideal and there needs to be more options sometimes than just ‘having an amazing marriage’ or ‘leaving’. The only option for me is to physically stay where I am but to accept my marriage is over.
I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry that you didn’t get a better counselor. What about a group like Celebrate Recovery? I know many guys have gotten so much out of that and it’s been the first time they’ve been able to kick the porn habit. Or do you have other guys that you can bring alongside your husband and have them hold him accountable?
I think it’s great that you’ve decided that you’ll just love your husband no matter what, but I’m still concerned, because God’s will for us is growth and healing, and there’s nothing in this plan that shows that your husband will actually grow or heal. And I do think that there are steps that can be taken to let him see that this is not acceptable. Even opening up and telling others and letting them know how much you’re hurting and that you need support. I just hear so much pain in your story and I don’t think that Jesus wants us to live with that much pain–not when we have the body of Christ which is supposed to support us and hold us accountable.
Sometimes you end up talking to someone who makes a situation worse, as you did, and that’s just like the enemy gets another victory, because he kicks you when you’re down. But I’m just praying that God brings other people into your lives, even if they’re not counselors, who can come alongside your husband and encourage him to get accountability, to stop what he’s doing, and to man up. God just doesn’t want us stuck, and I’ll pray that the body of Christ does that for you.
You describe my situation perfectly — husband with sex / porn addiction, alcoholic, serial adulterer, lawsuits, job loss. However, a few years ago, he went to rehab, dealt with his issues, and has truly changed by the grace of God. He is a wonderful and amazing person. I chose to stay through 10 years of this, because I never felt like God wanted me to leave. I remembered the man he was for the first 15 years of our marriage before addiction took over. My husband now has more monitoring than you can imagine.
That being said, I feel like I’ve given up the anger and bitterness, although you are right that it’s an ongoing choice. What holds me back is the fear (dare I say, terror?) of being vulnerable. I don’t want to give anyone the power to do that much damage to me again. I realize I’m the problem now, not him. When I think of any kind of real intimacy, it’s like I draw into a fetal position in my mind. I read a book that talked about the symptoms of PTSD that spouses of sex addicts have. I had all of them. I should go back to counseling, but I really don’t want to. I now understand Jesus’ question to the blind man, “Do you want to be healed?” YIKES. I’m not certain I do, but I know that God is not a God of fear, but of joy and wholeness. I am not whole. The girl I used to be — the one who was whole — hurt too badly. I don’t know that I have the courage or energy to do the hard work to become whole, but I know God meets me where I am, not where I ought to be. I trust in God’s time that healing will occur, whether in this world or the next.
Hi Sheila. Thankyou so much for your lovely post. I’m sorry but I’ve realised I wasn’t clear in my original post. My husband hasn’t looked at porn for many years. He has accountability etc. What I meant was that we as a couple have not been able to move past the damage he did over so many years. He is desperate for a marriage…I however can’t live with what he’s done. I have tried & tried but this is too much for me. To know he will be tempted by women far more beautiful than me for the rest of his life is just too much for me. I applaud people who move past this. I simply cannot & have been trying for almost five years since he confessed. Perhaps the fact I am dealing with a couple of other difficulties in my life means I just can’t do this. I’ve had to settle for a ‘flatmate’ relationship. I’m exhausted from trying & have simply burnt out. Sorry once again for the confusion. Bless you & your amazing ministry
Hi anonymous, I’m responding to your comment because I struggled with those exact same thoughts after I discovered my husband’s porn relapse. My husband was addicted to porn before we got married, but he overcame it before we met. He was free from his addiction for many years, and then after our second child was born we were struggling financially, and he turned back to porn for a week until I discovered it on his phone. My heart was shattered into a million pieces, and I cried a lot of tears. To top it off, I was three months postpartum, tired, and hormonal. I felt very ugly after seeing those images, and I knew I couldn’t measure up. I despaired at the thought of knowing that lusting after women might always be a struggle for my husband and even thought that maybe I shouldn’t have married him. My heart was so shattered, and I struggled with so many emotions and my self-confidence. Thankfully, I have an amazing friend who came alongside me, and she challenged me to see that everyone is going to be tempted, and that for men, the struggle with lust is an ongoing battle, because that’s how they’re created. It’s the easiest way for Satan to destroy a man, by taking such a beautiful thing and perverting it. 🙁 But I want to encourage you that if your husband’s heart is in the right place, if he is repentant, getting accountability, and is open and honest with you, that you need to let go of his betrayal. When we forgive someone, we choose to no longer hold their offenses against them, we choose to give that pain to Jesus, who is hurt even more than we are! He understands betrayal and sorrow of the deepest kind, and that was such a huge comfort to my heart when I walked through my husband’s betrayal. I realized that to begin healing, I had to stop bleeding. I had some days where I would be fine, and then other days, I would fall apart all over again. It’s ok to fall apart to a certain point, but eventually you have to start rebuilding. If your husband is trying to rebuild your marriage with you, he can’t do it alone. God showed me gently that I had to refuse to nurse my hurts and lick my wounds once I saw that my husband was truly repentant, and only then could both of us and our marriage begin healing. It sounds like your husband wants your trust, your respect, and your love, and until you let go of holding onto his sin against you, there can be no healing. I know that our experiences aren’t exactly the same, as I was not hurt for many years like you, and I’m sorry for the pain you must feel. One major thing that really helped me forgive my husband was listening to the forgiveness series by Cornerstone Fellowship Bible Church. (You can listen to it on podcast or maybe find them free on YouTube) This series definitely changed my life, and maybe it could change yours as well! I journaled along with it and I prayed every day, multiple times a day, for God to heal our marriage and our hearts, and while we aren’t perfect, I feel that God has done a beautiful thing with our marriage in the past year and a half. 🙂 Please know that I will be praying for you and your husband and know that you’re not alone! Sorry for the long comment. ?
Hi Nicole, thankyou for your thoughtful post & I’m sorry to hear of the pain you have endured. For me, the betrayal went on many many years & chronic lying too. I find it offensive that as women we just have to accept all men struggle with lust. I have read on other forums that some women say they never would’ve married if they’d known this. Yes, we all battle temptation in this life. However sexual temptation seems to go very deep. I’ve heard a good analogy where someone said how would our children feel if they thought we were always struggling not to be tempted by other children? Women are generally maternal… How would my kids feel if they thought I found other people’s children tempting & wished they were mine. Some people might not relate to that but I did. Since my husband’s confession there has continued to be lies told about various things. That makes it begin to come under the emotional abuse category. I’ve been walking this road a long time & I’m tired. I guess what I was trying to say is that not every situation in this life has a happy ending. Kids have dreadful diseases, people suffer in other ways. Sometimes a marriage is too damaged. It doesn’t mean a wife can just up & leave especially when there are children involved. But it does sometimes mean the marriage needs to end even when there is no option of leaving physically.
Yeah, it’s not healthy that there are still lies going on in your relationship. If he’s willing to see a counselor with you, it might be time to start. It’s not fair for you to tolerate being lied to, and it’s also not fair to him to be enabled to live a life of sin. Just remember that we all have our struggles and faults, and that even though sexual temptation seems big, our God is bigger! I will be praying for God to give you wisdom to know what the next step is and that you find healing and peace.
Actually, biblical forgiveness, as opposed to therapeutic forgivenesses (What Jesus taught); “you must forgive or your Heavenly Father will not forgive you, applies even in separation and divorce. Forgiveness is not about a marital relationship improving, it’s about our relationship with the Father.
Yes, I’d agree, and I’m sorry I didn’t make that clearer.
Hi again Sheila!
It’s been awhile since I commented here, but this post strikes close to home for me.
Forgiveness is something that we are commanded to do (as Harry said above). Yes, the Lord has given us each a free will to decide what we will (and will not) do. But He also expects us, as believers in Christ, to make choices based on Biblical truth.
Believe me, I KNOW how hard it is to forgive when your spouse has sinned against you in a heinous way. It is far easier said than done. But when that spouse repents, and makes serious efforts to rebuild trust between you, we MUST forgive them. We cannot continue to hold the offense(s) over their heads ongoing. If we do not forgive, then we in fact set ourselves up as a higher judge than God Himself. That is a very dangerous place to be.
I am not clueless to the fact that there are some very good liars among us, and some would play games with their spouse’s emotions to get their way. I am sorry that so many must deal with that, and I don’t have any good answers for those situations. But this doesn’t apply to everyone – there are indeed people who DO make a conscious decision to change past bad behavior and work to better themselves – and their marriages. It is up to you to decide which situation you are in. Nobody but God knows your spouse better than you.
It is this reader’s opinion that the phrases “I can’t (or won’t) forgive” and “I can’t get over or past this…” are actually one and the same.
For anyone who is unaware of my backstory, feel free to search my blog (http://SongSix3.org) for “Keep Short Accounts” and “Rebuilding Trust”. Then you can know that I speak from a place of experience.
Prayers for these marriages in the comments above that are in such a bad place.
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This is such a great post. My husband suffered from a porn addiction but we took steps to fix it. We went to counseling together and he had a few sessions with the counselor by himself. We put software on his computer and I had possession of his tablet all the time. He could only use it when I was in the room. But eventually we got away from these things. He’s been taking the tablet with him and I don’t think the software is on his computer anymore since he upgraded to Windows 10. I trust him and I forgave him, but I’m wondering if I need to bring it up again. Just to check in.
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Charlene, I would definitely bring it up again! It’s causing you worry, and I think just saying, “I’m so happy with how far we’ve come, and I want to know that we’re secure. So let’s talk about how we can keep being open and honest with one another. It makes me nervous about your tablet, so could we talk about that, because I want to be able to love you wholeheartedly, with no fear!” That’s perfectly fine to say.
I simply needed an eye opener. With a unique situation I am lost at what to do next. Newly married (with be a yr in April) I usually follow a nagging feeling that enters my gut and I am usually right every time, the other day he was in the shower and his phone kept going off, nothing of concern. But the day before I saw an email that was from him, he automatically dismissed it stating that he always gets those stupid emails. I knew it was not true. So I opened it. .. found a very nasty disgusting vial email from a girl he does not know but from a dating site. With videos of him attached with very intimate seductive content. I screamed,I cried, I lost it. Not the first time I found things on his phone. We have a past. I feel betrayed, angry, hurt. I haven’t spoken to him since Sunday. Idk what to do, he broke my trust yet again. I sent him a emotional email yesterday seeing it is the only way I can properly voice my feelings. It is unique, it is not like he physically touched another women but another women saw the most intimate part of his body that I believe should only be shared between two people only when married. I feel like he is no longer mine. Please assist with what I should do or how I should handle this. I feel broken by my own husband. Thank you
I really wish there was a way of knowing who would withold sex or not stay faithful in the longrun. I believe there are telltale signs but can’t just seem to know them especially when dealing with supposed ‘christians’ who go to church. There’s been alot of cases of infidelity and porn use d woman gets to be blamed for not being sexually available. The whole sexual incompatibility stuff. And then I wonder where has whole selfcontrol teaching gone to?
After being betrayed by my husband numerous times in different ways I found it extremely difficult to forgive him and still struggle to. As a Believer I know that I must forgive him and remember that I am no better than he is; that I am a sinner as well in desperate need of Christ.
With this said, is it possible to forgive and then decide in the end that divorce is the best option?
I have only been married for a little less than 4 years. Within that time frame I have discovered his addiction to porn, logs of conversations with webcam girls which he paid thousands of dollars to watch, sexting with some of his old female friends, discovered that he created an online dating account and went on dates with women he met through it, some he even sexted., found out that he took half naked pictures of me while I was changing without me knowing and emailed them to a webcam girl, bought that same webcam girl lingerie, and the list goes on and on. All of this and more wrapped up in webs of lies to cover it all up. There is so much betrayal sexually, financially, emotionally, etc.. I have given him chance after chance and have taken him back hoping there would be a change. Trying to be the wife God called me to be, not being very successful in midst of it because of the growing resentment I had toward him.
We have gone through 3 different counselors. I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of all of the events that have happened. Although he does not do a lot of the things anymore that I listed, as far as I could tell, and now seems to have taken some responsibility, our marriage is in shambles and his expectation of me is to forgive him, move on, and put out for sex because that is part of my role as a Christian wife. Even though there have been changes, I still do not trust him. Mostly because things here and there still occur that make me think there hasn’t been a real heart change. On top of that our therapist believes that he has qualities of a narcissist based on his interactions with him in therapy and based on his responses to what he has done.
How does one navigate in such a situation? What does forgiveness look like here practically speaking? Is it to continue on for the sake of keeping one’s vows to not divorce for better or for worse and hope that there isn’t more betrayal and lies down the road? Because he doesn’t do some of the “major” things anymore and claims that he has changed is that enough to stay in this marriage?
Please help! My husband has been struggling in this area for more than 10 years (that’s only how long I’ve known, it could be even longer!)
I bring it up about once a year or even less often than that. To check on his progress. Each time, he blows up and gets so angry. He starts cursing and throwing out insults at me. I guess what I am hoping for is that he will get serious help (meet with a group, do a course, go up on Sundays for prayer at church). You know, do whatever it takes. I don’t see him doing any of these things. He is very angry that I don’t trust him. He knows my trust has been shaky since I found out about this, but he told me the issue is mine and I just need to trust him no matter what. I just can’t see it this way. He doesn’t see any reason why this should have anything do with my trust in him. He told me he will always struggle and it’s idealistic and ridiculous to think he can ever get to a point where he is free from it as long as he is on this earth. I feel like if he really wants to change, God will heal him and he CAN be free, it will probably just take a lot of work. He doesn’t believe this. He thinks as long as he doesn’t do it “all the time”, I should just let it go. AND, I should trust him implicitly. How can I trust him when I know he is doing this? And how can I help him see that if he really does want to be free of this, he can be? I know it wouldn’t be an easy road, but I just want him to try. He just wants me to forget about it, but I can’t. Please help me!