“Gay? Meant to be a woman? Or just on the feminine side?”
Those are the questions that Alex from Have a Rich Marriage struggled with growing up, and today I’d like to share his poignant story of growing up sexually confused with you.
I’m taking a bit of a bit of time off of the blog this week, and I’ve got some great people who have sent me stories that I’d like to post. Today a young husband named Alex shares his story of struggling with homosexuality, and then deciding to live a heterosexual lifestyle.
What he has to say isn’t politically correct, but it’s his experience. Please, I just ask that readers respect his right to his own story.
Others may be upset that he married when he had homosexual tendencies. I know that I get heartbreaking email from wives every week whose husbands are gay, but never told them. This situation is different, I believe, because Alex is upfront, and is working on his issues–and the two of them are growing together. That’s the model of Christian grace and redemption.
With that being said, here’s Alex:
I am gay.
But I am also in a heterosexual marriage. I love my wife and we have a happy marriage.
I do not normally classify myself as gay because it is a subjective term. But by cultural definitions I am. It is similar to classifying yourself as beautiful. Beauty is subjective, but culture tries to define beauty.
Ever since I remember, I have had emotions and desires that are more inline with a homosexual man than a heterosexual man. Is this genetics? Was it my exposure to porn at a really young age? Or the fact that all of my neighbors, friends and my twin, were girls?
I have no idea.
I wondered for years who I was. Was I placed in the wrong body? I felt having these desires were shameful. I was embarrassed to tell anyone, so I dealt with these feelings on my own. I never told my family about what I was going through.
I do not come from a Christian family. But my grandpa was the definition of a man’s man. My family is full of masculine men who work heavy manual labor jobs. Admitting I was a homosexual meant shame and disgrace to my family.
Today I am going to share with you my experience on gender and sexual confusion. I have shared this story with very few people. My wife and only a few close friends know about this. I am hoping my vulnerability might bring healing to those of who you are in pain.
Though I am sharing a personal story about my gender identity, the advice in this article applies to any identity confusion or secret assumptions you might be experiencing.
The Importance of Asking Who Am I–The Response to Being Sexually Confused
Humans want to have an identity. They feel the need to be able to say I am a male. I am a husband. I am a writer. This comes from our deep need to feel connected with other people.
Asking this question is an exploration of our identity. This is important because our identities fundamentally shape our decisions about everything. You will always act in a way that is equivalent to your identity.
For example, on political spectrum, if you say that you are a Republican, then you will most likely vote for a Republican and support Republican policies. If you identify as a Christian wife, then you will view your decisions in a certain way.
The identities control the decisions we make in life without us even realizing it. A personal example in my life is the belief that education is the best investment. As a result I spend a sizable amount of my time and income on learning.
Knowing the importance of my identity, it was critical that I picked one I would be comfortable with.
Defining My Identity–Choosing To Live As I Wanted To
I am a millennial. Our generation has taken human rights and sexual rights to a new level. Everyone has different viewpoints on right and wrong, so I am not going to get into that.
However, I am going to speak about how the cultural idea for sexual rights has impacted my ability to define my identity.
Growing up in a pro-gay generation was difficult. On one side, if I was meant to be a woman, a large part of culture would accept me. And a large part of our culture was telling me I was meant to be a homosexual. But on the other hand, I was supposed to be heterosexual.
When I was young, I never associated with the gender expectations of what it meant to be a man. I was not very dominant. I hated football. I was a sensitive soul. I was super skinny and small. I would much rather talk and listen, then go play sports. When you say the word ball, I think of a dance and not a game.
I basically fit the sociocultural definition of femininity to a T. But the fear of shame pushed me into a heterosexual relationship. I dated girls because that was the customary thing to do.
Despite the uncertainty of my sexuality, I fell in love with my wife because I was afraid of the disgrace I would bring to my family. Was this fair to my wife? What if it had gone the other way around and I ended up identifying as homosexual? Was it really fair for me to put her through that?
Probably not. I married for a selfish reason.
But then, most people do. Rather than marrying for love or happiness, I married out of fear.
But I have come to love my wife. It was probably wrong for me to marry her, but I am glad I did. If I had not married my wife, I have no idea what would have happened. My marriage has brought restoration to my sexuality. She helped me redefine my identity. She helped me to realize my sexuality is a choice.
Redefining Our Identities
Identities are not always perfect. We have a constant voice telling us what it means to be a man, a woman, a wife, a mother, beautiful, or smart. This can cause a problem when we desire to fit into a certain identity, but we are unable to fit that identity.
For example, our culture, with photoshopped models and excessive ads, tells us a certain body type is beautiful, even though for a majority of culture this is unattainable.
But this does not stop a lot of women from trying or feeling insecure about themselves. This unattainable idea of beauty causes many to develop eating disorders, unhealthy workout routines, and poor body image.
The typical identity of a masculine man is one who never cries, never communicates, is strong, and takes what he wants. So if a man wants to cry, wants to build an authentic relationship with a person, or wants to serve his partner, then he must be feminine. Growing up, if a male did anything that was sacrificial for his partner, like opening a door or carrying her books in the hallway in high school, you would have had your “man card” taken away.
For a majority of my life, I thought it was wrong to be close to another male. I do not mean sexually either–our culture makes it unacceptable for men to talk about their feelings. But I desired a relationship like the one David and Jonathan had in the Bible. A relationship where two men were willing to stick their necks out for each other. Shared their deepest feelings and cried together.
Unfortunately, our culture identifies these desires as gay. So I thought I was gay.
Culture has separated fundamental human needs into gender roles. Both sexes desire intimate and close relationships, but culture says men do not. Both sexes want to love and feel unconditionally accepted, but culture says if a man does, then he is a woman. Do you think men are really the only ones who want sex?
We need to stop separating and confusing human needs and gender needs. Over the years I have talked to many people going through various identity problems and all of them experience the feeling of not fitting into sociocultural roles.
Are some people born gay? Maybe. Is it the environment? Maybe. Science has no idea.
But mixing up gender needs with human needs is certainly playing a large role.
So redefine the identity culture has placed on you!
Just because you are no longer a waist size 2 does not mean you are any less beautiful. Because you forget to the dishes does not make you any less of a wife. Because you love football as a female does not make you any less of a woman.
Finding Your True Identity
Through years of trial and pain, I learned that it not how well we fit into certain roles and identities that make us, but the character we bring to these roles that matters.
Being gay or straight, being masculine or feminine is not as black and white as being a boy or girl. I learned that sexual orientation is a subjective matter. It is how we identify with our desires and beliefs. It was that moment that I realized, despite my desires, that my sexual orientation was a choice. So I made the decision to be a heterosexual.
My sexuality is not defined by my ability to play a certain sport, be physically fit, or to never cry. Being a great man is defined by my character and living my life with valor.
Being beautiful is not about fitting into a certain dress size, but is about being a healthy you with a fulfilling outcome.
Being a good wife or spouse is not about the number of dishes you do or the deliciousness of your meals, but by the passion you bring into your role.
Through my entire experience I learned that everything is a choice. Do I still have homosexual desires? Sure, but they are less each day. I have to make the choice every day to identify myself as a heterosexual man.
I chose to stay with my wife because I made a covenant with her, a covenant which I intend to keep until my death. My wife has helped me redefine my identity and accept myself for who I am.
I am experiencing the fullness and joy from my marriage. Though things are not always perfect, we have learned to create and cultivate intimacy. Our past gets in our way sometimes, but we have learned to accept it and move forward. You cannot look forward if you are looking back.
My wife and I now spend time helping other couples push back against cultural expectations to redefine a marriage where it feels like you are married to your best friend. We teach couples how to make marriage FUN instead of feeling walked all over, and how to stop living like roommates and start living like lovers. (Access our plan here).
Alex helps women feel understood, attractive and appreciated without having to drag their man-child into counseling. At Have a Rich Marriage, he helps couple reconnect with themselves and each other, all over again.
I’m actually taking a hiatus this week with my husband, so I won’t be around (though I’ve got stuff scheduled for the blog and for Facebook). But I’ve asked Julie from Hot, Holy and Humorous and Ngina from Intentional Today to step in and participate in the comments for me while I’m gone! Now, please be nice to those ladies! Let’s not get into a debate about homosexuality–that’s not the point of this. And no gay marriage debate–that’s not the point of this article, either. The point is, “how do we sacrificially decide what we want our lives to be, and how to we follow Christ and make our marriages work when there are powerful forces pulling us in another direction?” So no bad-mouthing Alex, who has been vulnerable enough to share his story. And no putting Julie and Ngina through stress exercises, okay? 🙂 Thank you!
What a beautiful and inspiring post for everyone. And you know, there will always be things that we struggle with desiring, but I like what you said about every day deciding to honor God and others.
Thank you so much for sharing this. We are all so afraid of revealing our struggles and worry that no one else has that struggle, or that no one would understand, or that we will be rejected. But, that makes everyone live in an isolated bubble and we can never help and encourage each other.
It makes me think of 2 Cor 1:4 which states that God “comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
By sharing our struggles with each other, we can help others who are struggling.
I too, love Alex’s emphasis on choice. So often, even in marriage, we think feelings define who we are and what actions to take. But I like how he’s brought it out, that we can choose to honor God and our vows, inspite/regardless of how we feel.
“Culture has separated fundamental human needs into gender roles.” This is so profound. Thank you for sharing your story, Alex.
During the last year or so, I’ve read several stories online of individuals (both male and female) who had same-sex attraction but chose to marry the opposite sex (for whatever reasons) and are incredibly happy and fulfilled in their marriages. What I discovered in the comments section was (1) the complete inability for some to fathom that this sort of choice is even a choice because culture hasn’t taught us that this is a valid choice and (2) many are willing to belittle the person in question and their choice. As I’m sure you know, this probably happens more often than we might think.
I also wanted to make a comment about how we’re influenced by culture (or not). When my husband was 21, he married his sister’s best friend (18). The marriage lasted exactly eight months. It ended when my husband decided to follow Jesus. His then wife refused to stay married to him and said she would not raise children in that environment. She even suggested that he seek psychiatric help! In later years, she would come out as a lesbian although no one seemed to have a clue up until that point. What I’m getting at is that the culture at the time (1970s) didn’t stress these topics the way it does now. Maybe the ex-wife always knew. Maybe she discovered the truth after their divorce. No matter. From what I gather after meeting her, society didn’t clue her in or strongly influence her and I think that’s a very good thing. BTW, the marriage didn’t end because of that reason. It ended because two young people created a baby after a one-time union after which the baby, a son, was born prematurely and died, and the sole reason for the marriage existing in the first place suddenly ended. I really think my husband becoming a Christian was the final straw for this young woman. That and she missed her parents who lived in another state.
Thanks again for your courage in sharing your story. I hope it will help others or at least enable them to understand your situation better.
Hey Elena,
Thanks for commenting and sharing that story. Culture and ideologies do some interesting things. My main goal is to make people realize the influence culture can and sometimes does have on us. Most people neglect and ignore this fact
Alex
Alex makes a number of statements that suggest that he views a certain set of traditional male stereotypes as normative for being masculine: “I was not very dominant. I hated football. I was a sensitive soul. I was super skinny and small. I would much rather talk and listen, then go play sports.” “The typical identity of a masculine man is one who never cries, never communicates, is strong, and takes what he wants.”
These kinds of stereotypes, I believe, are a source of a lot of gender confusion. They say that if you are not a John Wayne stereotype, you must be gay. Where does that follow?
The one that really strikes me is this one: “Growing up, if a male did anything that was sacrificial for his partner, like opening a door or carrying her books in the hallway in high school, you would have had your ‘man card’ taken away.” So even the traditional gentleman is classified as gay.
My point is not to beat up on Alex, because I think he is brave for sharing his story, and I wish him and his wife all happiness. My point is to suggest that possibly the source of many people’s gender confusion lies in a really whacked view of what masculinity is.
I think there’s a masculine way to be kind. There’s a masculine way to be nurturing. There’s a masculine way to be loving and gentle and sweet. These are not just feminine qualities, and a man who has these as strengths is not “getting in touch with his feminine side.” There doesn’t have to be anything particularly effeminate about liking art, or natural beauty, or music, even (horrors!) show tunes. We’ve categorized so many things as being inherently feminine that of course lots of guys wonder if they’re truly masculine. Many people look at the stereotype of the Jerk Jock (no offense to decent athletic guys out there) and think, “If that’s what it is to be a man, then I want no part of it.”
There are lots of varieties of legitimate masculinity. You don’t have to be caveman to be a man.
Hey Keith,
Thanks for coming by. What you said is exactly what I am saying.
See the article above how these gender roles cause confusion in many of us. We have separated human actions into gender actions. I argue above that the view of gender roles is exactly the thing that caused it.
That’s great, Alex. I guess I misunderstood the statements I quoted as being statements of your present view of masculinity (while nonetheless pushing back in your personal life).
At any rate, blessings on your journey and your ministry. And let me say that it took a whole lot of masculine courage to be open about a tough subject like this.
I think that’s true. Our society has stereotyped what it means to be masculine or feminine with rigid and overly broad descriptions. In addition to that, so many children are growing up with absent or distant parents, and thus don’t know how to identify with their gender or relate to the opposite gender and are desperately seeking affirmation – the kind of affirmation and connection they desperately need from their parents.
So, when deprived of the close relationship with their parents and the intact and stable family structure they need, they turn to society’s views of what it means to be masculine or feminine in order to try to figure out who they are. But those definitions are screwed up too, and they often think because they don’t fit a stereotype, they don’t fit their gender or aren’t attracted to the opposite sex.
Our society is broken and its flaws cause a lot of confusion and hurt to a lot of people that can take a lifetime to work through.
Society is what causes a lot of people in my community to commit suicide. Like I know I’m attracted to men I will date a man I don’t really need society to tell me I’m “broken” and that I’m really attracted to the opposite sex because I’m not I had both my parents all my life I had a wonderful childhood but it doesn’t help me to see people constantly posting things downing me and using heterosexuality. When will this society realize that I exist too and I can be happy with a man I really love. Like why do people for opposite sex attraction on me? Why do people think that’s the only thing that should exist? What about my relationship with my boyfriend are people saying that doesn’t matter and that he should be taken away from me? People are saying only opposite sex attracted people have the right to be happy with somebody they are attracted to?
Keith, I think your last paragraph and line sums up Alex’s core message, at least what i gleaned. I am glad for this conversation because for so long it has been dominated by one side and there’s not enough sane balanced discussion around it. I am hoping folks get to scroll down and read all these great comments too!
This article is so interesting to me because I have told my kids this over the years as they had friends who were not necessarily the “norm” of their gender and who ultimately came out as homosexual. I also had friends who were subjected to constant teasing and insults while in high school about being gay and when they left home to go to college they eventually identified as homosexual. I told my kids that when society and culture constantly shout at you that if you are different you must be homosexual then you start to believe it.
You have put these same thoughts into words and I believe you are right. So much of our lives is a choice and unfortunately our culture influences us more than we would like to admit.
This is a good point — that we can add to this confusion by our words and actions toward those struggling. We have to affirm people where they are and help them make good choices. Thanks!
I liked his story a lot but I wasn’t influenced to be the way I am if anything I would have loved to been heterosexual so I don’t have to put up with the bullies. Also I’m a good Christian and me dating a man doesn’t make me less Christian than the heterosexual. Also I agree with you on the last part our society influences everybody. For example some kids think they are heterosexuals because they see heterosexuality displayed on tv I know from experience I knew I loved other guys but I saw heterosexual behavior on tv and I always wanted to experience with it and also society constantly told me I was heterosexual so I must believe it but I never engaged in heterosexual behavior nor will I ever engage in heterosexual behavior but I agree with you society does influence everybody. Also during the time I was bullied I didn’t know about sexual orientation I just knew I loved other guys and people bullied me but I didn’t know why and I never was influenced to date a guy if anything people constantly PUSHED for me to be heterosexual leading me to rather dying than living because I don’t want to ever be heterosexual I’m meant to be with my wonderful boyfriend god has placed in my life. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to put it out there, and for that, you have my respect. The current culture has made so many people afraid to tell their stories and the only way we can fight back is to tell them anyway.
When my husband and I got married, we thought we would fit into the very conservative gender roles we had grown up believing were the right way to live life. But as time went on, we both began to feel like something wasn’t quite right. It was like wearing a pair of jeans that didn’t quite fit. Uncomfortable. Fidgety. Like there was something wrong with both of us. It took us a long time to consider the possibility that maybe we needed to figuratively take off the jeans instead of trying to force ourselves to fit into them day after day after day. It wasn’t easy to let go of what we had believed with all our hearts was the “right” way to do things, but it was necessary. We had both tried to force our identities into certain definitions and it wasn’t working any more.
All my life I wanted to be a stay at home mom. And I am right now, for which I am grateful and I always will be. When I started to have a desire for more in my life, my snap reaction was to feel guilty. Being a stay at home mom was a calling, after all! The highest one there is! At least that’s what I had been told. And I felt horribly guilty and ashamed that it wasn’t enough for me. And when I did start to pursue other activities, there were plenty of people who questioned it and made me doubt myself. It was frustrating. So I kept trying to do it all, to be everything, but all that ended up happening was I drove myself to the edge of madness. I went into a deep depression. I have battled depression for a long time already – which is a whole other can of worms I believe needs to be opened! – and I briefly went off the deep end. Thank God for my husband, who did what he said was the hardest thing he has ever done and summoned help. I am doing much, much better now. The entire episode made me take a serious look at myself. Which is good. I wish it had come about by different means, but I can’t go back and change that now. I’m still on a journey. It’s not easy, but there is a peace deep down in my soul I didn’t have before. There are things in me that God put there for a reason and I’m not going to try to squelch them any more for the sake of trying to fit into a preconceived role.
My husband, too, is on a journey of being confident in his identity. He’s not a “typical” guy either. He’s not athletic. He swam competitively in high school but didn’t really enjoy the competition aspect of it. He just liked swimming fast. He likes rock climbing and hiking but enjoys it as a leisure activity rather than an extreme sport. He likes camping, we both do, but we like camping in a trailer, not a tent (our hardcore camping friends used to tease us that it wasn’t “real” camping – now they’re all buying trailers too!). He’s a sensitive guy who likes to have deep conversations. Our first date lasted over seven hours and we simply could not shut up! He’s very “in touch with his feminine side” – he likes going shopping with me. Yes, I said it. He really likes it. He picks out better clothes for me than I pick for myself! A lot of things about him don’t add up to being a typical “man’s man” but I wouldn’t have him any other way. And he’s starting to feel that way about himself.
So. All that to say, I don’t believe God made us in a cookie-cutter fashion. I give Him way more credit than that. He is a creative God.
A man who likes shopping?! Actually, my father loves shopping too. He was the one who enjoyed taking his daughter out on shopping trips, while my mother hated them. It’s perfectly fine to be an exception to a stereotype. We are three-dimensional beings who should be treated as such. Thanks for sharing!
I really like that story and the reasoning about human needs and gender roles. Life would be way easier if we’d just accept simple biology when it comes to gender… You got a penis – you’re male. You’ve got a ovaries and boobs – you’re female. Reproduction is possible only in one way. Period.
I really like the Jewish reasoning against homosexuality, which doesn’t focus so much on if such feelings are valid or but, but the basic argument is that one of the first and most important commandments of God was to be fruitful and multiply and as homosexuals you simply can’t fulfill that. (At least not naturally) they encourage to pursue a heterosexual marriage even if you have homosexual feelings) so they would like your story, Alex.
I absolutely belief that homosexual desires are part of human fallen nature. That what Romans 1 implies, when it says that God has given them over to their natural desires, and it speaks of homosexuality, too. But we aren’t called to live a life captive by our sinful desires. We are called to a supernatural life in holiness and purity. God bless you on your journey!
Thank you.
As a mom with 4 kids, thank you.
There is so much out there at the moment that wants to push younger and younger kids to question their sexuality – often before they are really old enough to know what the word means – and my gut feeling is that it’s not healthy.
So thank you.
This is interesting. Were I grew up opening doors, and carrying heavy things/ doing “dirty” jobs, especially to help out a woman, was expected of men. If you didn’t do that, you were a jerk, not a man. We didn’t have prohibitions against deep male friendships either. My school may have been an exception. but I don’t think so. We didn’t focus so much on stereotypes as excellence. If you were the best male gymnast in the state , you were admired. Ditto the best musician, singer, tennis player, horseback rider, chess player, debater. Even the nerds had quite a bit of respect. Regardless of gender. For example: the highest performing students in math and science were frequently girls. Half the 1st rugby team (read the football players) were in the choir, did drama and performed in the musicals. Our (high school) culture was 100% dominated by excellence. Some of my friends did have a hard time for being skinny and having a high voice and not liking sports. But never to the extent that they thought they were qay, I don’t think. We created our own mini societies. This may have been helped by the fact that there was no real larger culture. Our population had pockets of culture depending on ethnicity, tribe, language, socio-economic class, religion. So what was normal for us wouldn’t necessarily be normal for other groups. Our wider culture was heavily influenced by European culture as well, rather than just American. It’s perfectly normal for guys to like fashion, art, music and dress in a way that would probably be deemed feminine in the US. These things are considered a mark of culture, education and refinement. Not gender.
I find it extremely interesting that a culture so obsessed with individuality and personal freedom is so willing to accept the tyranny of feelings. Why should you accept your feelings as sacrosanct? Why should you base your identity on gender or sexual orientation? Why not aesthetic taste? Or profession? Or intellectual interest? Or any number of other factors. What makes your feelings and sexual urges so special?
Maybe I has a more stoic approach to life, but it makes much more sense to me to base decisions on rational thought and choice rather than feelings. I would even call it more noble to make a choice contrary to your inclinations because of a deeply held conviction. Especially if your conviction has been deliberately chosen and well thought out. It shows that you are not controlled by your feelings, but have full control of your will.
This is such an interesting statement: “I find it extremely interesting that a culture so obsessed with individuality and personal freedom is so willing to accept the tyranny of feelings.” Indeed. Our feelings matter, but they don’t have to lead and dominate.
This concerns me, too, Emily. My girls are little (3.5 years and 20 months), and already my focus is to teach them to identify first and most importantly as a child of God, perfectly and wonderfully made by Him. He created them to be girls, and He created them to love dinosaurs and tools and climbing…and living those things doesn’t make them masculine. I want them to be comfortable in their skin… I want them to know they are female and feel female, and I think the best way to do that is not to force them into stereotypical girly things and forbid boyish interests, but to teach them who God is, who He created them to be, and how they can glorify Him in their lives as they trust Him and His design in creating them.
I know many “tomboys” who ended up as very feminine women. Because being a woman isn’t defined solely by which toys or activities interest you. We need to affirm that for girls. And for boys.
There is so much wisdom here! What a much-needed voice in our generation. Thank you for sharing your story, Alex!
This actually makes me feel hopeful for how to explain this stuff to my kids as well. As a mom of four quite different boys, I am sure issues will need to be discussed in different ways but I love how this was explained.
I’d also love to hear the wife’s side of the story because there are so many women struggling with how to deal with their husband saying they’re gay and I think if she would be willing and brave enough to share, it could help a lot of women.
Thank you so much for sharing such a wonderful story. I believe it’s a message we need to hear a lot more often in our current confused culture.
Alex, I am skipping over many comments so if I repeat something forgive me.
The first question I want to ask you is, what on Earth do you mean you never felt “like a man”? Reading your story, hearing the choice you make each and everyday to chose your wife, and staying with her because you made a vow to love, honor, and protect her makes you ten times the man than many men out there today. I am a woman so I grew up on a completely different side of the spectrum, but nothing you said did not “sound manly”. I understand your perceptions were based on how and where you were raised. I was born and raised in Alaska, and up there men are men. However, there are many things boys up there are taught, like ask for directions. They are taught some “girly” things, like asking for directions, because it could save their lives, just as girls are taught “boy” things, like shooting rifles, if they desire. This whole sticking people into rigidly defined slots is completely foreign to me. Yes, I was considered a tom boy, I had male friends and female friends; and all my friends were into an art of one type or another, even the guys! So, I mean no offense with any of my statements, it is just a completely alien idea that someone is so pushed by arbitrary definitions that they question themselves. It breaks my heart.
I will tell you that I never fully understood the struggle men go through until I became a mother. I am raising two boys. My eldest is short, skinny, highly creative (my best photos of son #2 were taken by him), agile, and he loves to dance. My youngest is tall, built like a tank, loves to cuddle with Mama, wrestle with Daddy, is terribly moody sometimes, and has a right hook that would make Mohammad Ali proud. I shudder to think of the day that society tried to lock them into defined boxes. I love nurturing all sides of them. The side that loves sports, the side that likes to go to Church, the side that loves to help Mama cook, and the side that spent 40 minutes building a model car with Daddy. They are all boy, but they have what society says are “girl” moments, which are in reality HUMAN moments.
I want to thank you for sharing.
I do appreciate this story. It brings to mind though how there is a fundamental misunderstanding in Western culture that we live in a world of gray areas. Not everything is black and white and I think at least for me reading this story I was like “oh he sounds bisexual.” I have no right to tell any person what their identity is because when it comes down to it only an individual can know who they truly are, but maybe he would have had an easier time had he not been brought up in a culture that says “it’s either one or the other and you much know exactly which one!” because sometimes that just isn’t how it works.
Thank you for this. My almost 16 year old is struggling with gender identify and her sexuality as well and we are just trying to love her through it and praying God shows her how HE sees her.
Not sure if Alex will read these comments, but if so, what advice would you give me as a parent guiding my child through this? I want her to know we love and accept her no matter what but that we also know what the bible says.
Thanks!
Alex, thank you so much for sharing your story! Blessings to you and your family! 🙂
Oh this is such a beautiful story, thank you Sheila for posting it. And thank you Alex for speaking your truth to us. May God continue to bless your marriage!
Joanne
Thank God for articles and people like this. I am a woman, wife, and mother who feels strongly that I NEVER should have been a mother, but here I am with a one year old. I am MUCH more comfortable wielding a sword, hammer, or dumbells than baby bottles and snot rags. Most Christian talk about gender roles seems to tell me I am wrong and even sinful for this. They want all women pregnant and knitting booties! We need to quit letting other people’s opinions dictate our lives and just live them! I grew up with manly men and extremely capable women who could meet those men head to head at every turn. I was not made a meek delicate flower and I need to own it!
I once worked with a man who met all of the typical traits for homosexuality. If you had to guess, you would have certainly identified him as gay. However, he had an absolutely wonderful marriage. He and his wife shopped and went to craft fairs and artistic events together. They truly enjoyed one another’s company, and it was clear that his wife’s sweet, quiet demeanor was a good match for him and made him feel more masculine. I think about him sometimes and how we shouldn’t make assumptions based on first impressions.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Alex! May God bless you and your wife with many more years of marital bliss.
Beautifully said. This reminds me of the hoopla that occurred a few months back when Target stopped putting blue and pink in their toy aisles to designate which toys were for boys and which were for girls. So many people said they were never shopping at Target again because boys are supposed to play with boys’ toys and girls with girls’ toys. At the time I had thoughts along the lines of this article. Why have we so narrowly defined masculinity and femininity? A boy isn’t allowed to play with a doll? A girl can’t weird a tool belt? I found the whole debate ridiculous and sad.
Bless you Alex and the people in the discussions… you dont know what you have done for a young man all the way in Africa who has been struggling and asking God for help. I will forever be grateful and what a great other changing point in my life…. Thank you. And Gos keep blessing you.