Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When you and your husband don’t fit the gender mold
Every Friday I like to post a 400-word inspirational marriage moment. This week I’m talking about how we need to get beyond “men do this” and “women do that”.
This week I published a moving testimony of a guy who grew up feeling feminine rather than masculine. It was only when he stopped letting the culture define him that he figured out who he really was.
Our culture has a vice grip on us, telling us that we’re not good enough. That we don’t fit. That we stick out.
But our church culture does that, too–especially when it comes to gender and marriage.
This week I deleted a rather nasty comment where a woman was telling another woman what it meant to be a “proper Christian wife”:
As a submissive wife, you aren’t automatically entitled to his money. A husband’s job is to lead his family and that means he handles the finances…News flash, dear. God put the man in the position of authority and if he’s the one breaking his back for the money, asking him if you can spend some is the proper and ladylike thing to do.
Wow. That idea makes me so sad.
– That idea that God wants us fitting a certain mold–even though God created this world with a huge breadth of diversity (there are even over 400,000 species of beetles!).
– That idea that what God is concerned most with the proper order of things–that the husband lead and the wife follow, rather than that the two act like they are one flesh.
– That idea that a proper Christian woman won’t handle money, won’t budget, won’t take part in decisions about the family simply because she is a woman, regardless of where her gifts and talents lie.
– That idea that God would give us talents, and then demand that we not use them.
So many women are suffocating–and, as our guest poster showed this week, so many men are, too.
Dear readers, God loves you. God made you. And God put you and your husband together to be a team.
That team will function best when you both use your natural talents and your supernatural gifts to the best advantage.
It’s okay to use Quicken if you’re female. And it’s okay to cook if you’re male. And it’s okay to leave Quicken to your husband if he’s the one whose better at it, and it’s okay to cook if you’re the one who enjoys it more.
Just be who God made you to be.
And I wish so much that I didn’t have to write posts like this.
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My Personal Updates
So usually on Fridays I give you a little glimpse of what’s gone on in my life this week. But I can’t do that today, because I’m actually writing this a week ago! My husband and I are taking a little hiatus right now away from the computer.
I’ll update you next week! Have a great weekend!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thanks so much for mentioning this. I am astonished by the number of people (especially Christians) who try to force other people into very narrow windows of “proper” roles and behavior. Jesus didn’t do that, so why would we do it?
And I love how Sheila put it – focus on becoming one-flesh. If we focused on that more, all these other things would flow more naturally.
I firmly believe that the Bible teaches that the husband is to he leader of the home. But being the leader doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s a dictator, that the wife can’t have input too, or that husband and wife have to live according to cultural stereotypes of men’s and women’s work.
Too many people think being the leader means making all the decisions, being tremendously confident and not needing any input, and always being the one to do the important stuff, leaving the little things to the underlings. That’s simply a stereotype of leadership. There many kinds of leadership and they can look quite different.
Here’s an example of how this faulty idea of leadership can cause problems. A woman told me lately that her husband would sometimes ask her to pray at family meals and she would insist on him praying because he’s supposed to lead. Then it occurred to her that she was really usurping his leadership by demanding that he do things the way she thought they should be done. He had decided that she should pray, and what she needed to do was follow his leadership by praying as he asked.
So being stuck in stereotypes isn’t very helpful. If the husband decides that the way they make decisions in their home is for both husband and wife to come to an agreement, then that’s leadership on his part and it’s not flouting God’s design for them to do that. If the husband and wife decide together that she will do the financial stuff, then that’s fine. There’s nothing in the Bible to say that finances must be a man’s job.
People need to be careful to follow God’s design of the husband as the leader of the home, but that doesn’t have to look like our cultural stereotypes. It doesn’t help anyone to add requirements on top of what God’s word says. To do so is much like the Pharisees who added rules on top of rules to tell the people what it meant to obey God’s laws and thus burdened the people with extra man-made regulations instead of letting God’s law speak for itself. Let’s not be Pharisees.
Lindsay, I agree! God has mandated men to set the tone in the relationship, to lead. But the kind of leadership God has in mind is about responsibility, not control or power. Love how you’ve explained it and it really fleshes out what the post talks about – becoming one flesh. And coming from a different culture – African – I see how we all do things different! Culture plays a big role in we have to keep reminding ourselves to get back to God’s basics!
Ngina,
I’m going to push back on your comment. Yes, men have responsibility, but responsiblity comes with authority. It doesn’t matter the job or role, you cannot do your job that your responsible for if you do not have the authority to do it. In fact, one of the classifications for elder is that he controls his own family and household. One aspect of leadership is indeed having control. In Christ Jesus, Diana
We had a Pastor a few years ago who was criticized for “letting his wife wear the pants in their relationship”. He pointed out that while he may wear the pants, his wife washed them, ironed them, mended them when they were worn, and was usually the one who noticed when they were beyond repair and replaced them. Therefor, he couldn’t properly wear the pants without a lot of work and input from her. And that God said to always listen to wise counsel, and his wife was one of the wisest women he knew, and God knew exactly how much help he needed to work a farm, pastor a church, and raise his family and that’s what God sent him.
Wow, what a response! Super nailed it! 🙂 That’s a very wise Pastor!
I miss him. He’s retired now, and has dementia. He works all week to write one prayer for our service and memorize it, because he has trouble finding the word he wants alot. She sits on the front row mouthing the words in case he gets lost. They are my goal of what I want my marriage to look like
People seem to have forgotten Paul’s instructions about busybodies. These kinds of situations are actually the proper application of the Judge not lest you be judged passage. What business is it of anyone but the couple on who cooks of who does finances? But then people will refuse to confront outright sin, like affairs or porn, in their church communities. People need more hobbies or something. And perspective.
Read the Bible. Do what you need to do. Get your nose out of other people’s business. Love people and inspire them to strive for greater holiness with your life and your actions. Also, stop caring so much about other people’s opinions.
The money thing. Oh, the money thing. My husband and I get a lot of raised eyebrows because of how involved I am in our finances. We tried for a long time to force it into the “he’s the man, he does the finances” mold and it just wasn’t working. My husband has many talents. He’s a fantastic guy. Dealing with money is just not one of his strong suits. It was a great source of stress for him, but he felt he had to do it and not let that “burden” fall on me. Then we met with a pastor at our church to help us with our budget and the first thing she said was “Okay, number one, you (pointed at my husband) are handing all of the money managing over to her (pointed at me).” I think our eyes must have popped out of our heads. We tried the whole “well we thought he should be doing it because he’s the husband” and the pastor said “You guys became one flesh when you got married. Trying to do something without the other person is like operating with only half your brain.”
In that moment, the way we both viewed our marriage completely changed. We are one flesh. One body. And in order for the body to work properly, each part needs to be doing what it was designed to do. You can’t force an arm to be a leg or an ear to be an eye.
Amen, Melissa! This has really blessed me! –> “Trying to do something without the other person is like operating with only half your brain.” Well said and thank you.
That’s wonderful!
AMEN!
I believe that my husband and I are truly two halves of a whole – and that the the whole is created in the image of God. We have some very different personalities and strengths, but I can see how we complement each other.
I get frustrated, though, with those who don’t look at how individual couples complement each other, but focus instead of how there is supposed to be one model of how to be a man, and one model of how to be a woman. My husband and I don’t fit that model. MANY couples don’t, because there is no one model that is going to describe 7 billion individuals.
I hate flowers and jewelry. My husband hates power tools and fixing things. I’m good at driving on highways. He’s good with babies. Life actually got better for us as a couple when we stopped paying attention to stereotypes, and started being true to ourselves and seeing how we could truly work together in a way that would reflect the image of God.
My husband pays the bills but I have the last say on large or expensive purchases because I am the frugal (cheap ?) one in our relationship, lol. It works best for us because otherwise we would have no money at all. He has the last say on important decisions, however, like changing jobs and moving to another state. Whatever we do, we do it in best interest of the FAMILY, not just the individual.
My strength is in finances so my wife leaves the final decision with me after we have discussed major issues. Day to day financial decisions are left to me. My wife is the grocery flyer expert and while I do most of the physical grocery buying it is from a list which she prepares. In other words we each defer to the stronger spouse in our individual areas of expertise. I provide her with regular monthly updates on where we stand financially so she can have input. We work together to solve any problems which arise. Our love for each other keeps on growing. This works well for us but it only works because we pray for our family and our marriage daily. We thank God daily for all the blessings He gives us each day.
That’s beautiful! And that’s the way that God made us–that’s why two are better than one. Because we can each work to our strengths.
I really enjoyed reading this post today!!! I love that my husband and I don’t fit a mold-we work together as a team, and both of us work well together! I am the one who manages the finances, as he put me in charge because I know what bills need to be paid at what time. If I want to spend money on something extra, I ask, and he does the same. It’s not just “his” or “mine” it’s ours! Even though his is the name on the paycheck, BOTH of our names are on the accounts! My hubby has no problem changing diapers, getting kids dressed, cleaning, or cooking, and he’s happy to fill in if I can’t get it all done (which happens often!). He’s a hard worker, a great dad, and the best man I could’ve ever picked! Our marriage is very happy one because we both seek to serve and help each other out, not seek out our own selfish vendettas. Also, didn’t Jesus come to earth to serve, not be served? If anyone had a right to be demanding, it was Him, yet He lived among us humbly without demanding to be waited on hand and foot.
Amen Nicole, your marriage is a great testament on what it means to work together as a team. There’s so much happiness, way less angst when we put our focus on the right thing!
P, that’s pretty much like my husband and I ! (though I do the light grocery shopping 🙂 ) Recently, my husband said “research has shown that wealthy people spend a lot of time talking about money” I think we should use the same perspective in marriage – “wealthy (healthy) couples spend a lot of time talking (engaging and making decisions) about their treasures” as opposed to trying to fit into molds that don’t fit!
I recently took a quiz about the health of my marriage. I didn’t get a very good score on it. One of the questions asked if my husband makes all the final decisions. I had to answer no. I trust my husband’s judgement, and there have been quite a few financial things in our short marriage that I have gone with his decision on, even though I tend to be better at dealing with money. But hubby has a serious flaw when it comes to valuing family, sadly. If he had his way we would never go visit my parents a few hours away. (I have serious doubts of his love for his own parents) I’ve let him know it’s nonnegotiable, and that visiting my family IS a part of our marriage. I may get nasty comments for this, but I don’t believe God called me to be a doormat.
Hi Ashley–thanks for sharing that. I’m just really concerned about that quiz–is it implying that the husband SHOULD make all the final decisions, rather than both of you struggling in prayer together, or both of you trying to reach unity? Or making a wrong decision as, in your case, your husband may miss something important? That’s really scary to me.
Thank you Sheila for this post but also for the example you have made by stepping away from the computer to spend a week away from it and focused on your marriage instead. It’s refreshing to see an example of making the marriage a priority.
Thanks, Gwen! We’re just back and we had a wonderful time! 🙂
Thank you! I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now. These are some random thoughts I had while reading your article—
I’m barely 30, single, and planning on marrying in the next year or so. I’m not into fashion, I hate shopping, I don’t cry easily, I’m introverted, I’m opinionated, I’m stubborn, (in a good way, usually. 😉 ) and my brand of intelligence and logic is almost directly in the middle of what is traditionally masculine and feminine. Being this way naturally from a very young age and growing up in very conservative Christian circles has been lonely.
My mom is a very strong, extroverted woman, and my father is a strong, quiet, introverted man. My dad enjoys my mom’s talents and prefers her to handle the finances.
I was difficult to handle when I was a preschooler, and I remember grown men who despised me when I was young and would berate my mom in front of me and would tell both my mom and dad that they needed to “beat the devil out of me.”
The man I’m dating is wonderful! He is strong in who he his and in his own opinion and point of view, and strong enough to enjoy my thinking differenly from him. He cries easily, he loves to cook, and prefers reading to watching sports. (Though he loves to play basketball.) I’m so glad that I’ve waited for a man like him. Sorry if this seems like rambling, and thank you again for the article!
Loved this post! we dont fit a mold and it works great for us!
Wow Sheila. Thank you so much for this! My husband and I have been married for 5 and half years, and unfortunately I’ve received pushback on this very topic (not from my husband) since day one. I’ve been told I wear the pants and have been accused of “running my husband ” by certain disgruntled family members who don’t understand or respect the oneness of marriage, and met with shock and dismay when I told a long-time friend I don’t cook every night. If I’m being honest I’ve had my share of insecurities about it, but I know that I know that my husband and I are on the same page, honoring God and doing what’s best for us, and that’s really all I need!