Today I’m feeling angry. Not at you, dear readers, but at the mess that our culture has made of sex.
On Monday I wrote a post about how our church culture has made too many people dead inside–dead to the passion and creativity that God made us for, and thus dead for what real sex was supposed to be in our marriages. Yes, sex can be hot and holy at the same time, but too many of us think that to be Christian means that we must be reserved, boring, dispassionate
That’s so wrong. No one should have a dead sex life.
And I’m angry because everyday I wake up to more and more emails and messages from people whose marriages are so messed up, usually because of wrong views of sex.
This post was originally part of the 29 Days to Great Sex series that I wrote on this blog a few years ago, and I’ve recently edited that and removed this post, so I thought it was worth rewriting it for today, because these issues are still with us.
Sex has become such a difficult part of so many couple’s lives. It’s become twisted, or dirty, or shameful, or simply non-existent. And as I read these emails and comments I get everyday, I think: why are we letting something that God made to be beautiful become a negative thing in our lives? Why are we settling for a dead sex life?
Do you know what one of the tell-tale signs that something is from God is? Life.
Being alive is from God.
Being teeming with life is from God.
And so the opposite–death–is not from God.
Think about this: when evil triumphs, it’s not usually categorized by luscious trees or plants or beautiful things. It’s ugly. And even if it starts out beautiful, the ugliness takes over.
John 10:10
When the Mongols rampaged across Asia and the Middle East in the thirteenth century, they left behind them devastation. And desert. Many places that were not formerly deserts became deserts over the next few decades because the Mongols burned everything. And without plants, the land dried up. Destruction kills what was alive.
For all of you Tolkien buffs, do you remember how bleak the land of Mordor looked compared to the land of the shire? All sharp rocks and crags and darkness and emptiness, compared with lush green fields and laughter and lots of food and lots of children and lots of singing.
The Shire is alive; when Sauron took over Mordor, he made sure everything that was living died (except for his minions also bent on destruction).
I noticed this phenomenon in 1989 when I visited East Berlin. West Berlin was beautiful, with trees, and parks, and art, and lovely buildings; East Berlin was spartan. The people didn’t smile. Everything was utilitarian. Joy was gone.
Evil doesn’t just propagate evil, you see; it also tries to destroy that which is beautiful.
And that’s why there’s a powerful force working to destroy what is beautiful about sex. I know it’s not polite to talk about the devil, but I firmly believe that the devil wants to destroy sex. He wants to make it into something that is ugly. He’s happy when we turn to porn and debase real intimacy. He’s happy when we think sex is too much hassle and start to refuse sex altogether. And he is happy when instead of feeling fully alive, we feel somewhat dead.
This morning I was reading in my devotions the story of Ezekiel and the dry bones, found in Ezekiel chapter 37. Basically God calls on Ezekiel to prophecy over dead bones, and as he does the bones begin to rattle. They form together. Sinews grow on them. Then flesh. But they’re still dead until God breathes into them.
I think that’s a picture of where many of us are today when it comes to sex: We feel dead.
We’re not excited about it. It doesn’t grow our relationship; it eats away at it. So what’s our response?
I think this story shows two things: one, those bones listened to Ezekiel’s prophecy and joined together and grew. But second, they weren’t fully alive until God breathed into them (I know I’m taking liberties with it here, but bear with me!)
So what does that mean for you?
God wants you to be ALIVE. With God, life is teeming, abundant, lush, tropical, beautiful. If your sex life is not like that, then listen to the fact that this is how God wants it.
All of us need a breath from God today–even those of us who don’t feel particularly bad about our sex life. All of us need more passion. And when we let God in, and feel closer to Him, and let Him work, we will feel so much more alive, both spiritually and sexually. When we feel dry spiritually, we often feel dry sexually. And the opposite is also true.
If you want to be fully alive and fully passionate, you need to be passionate about God first, and let Him move.
And that will have major ripple effects in the bedroom.
Do you realize what would happen if all Christian couples became fully alive and fully passionate? Can you imagine the difference that would make in our families, in our churches, in our communities? If we were fully passionate and fully alive, we’d have energy to invest in others. We’d be excited about life and opportunities and possibilities. We’d be able to love everybody more fully. But when we are stuck, both sexually and spiritually, everybody suffers.
I firmly believe that our spirituality and our sexuality are linked, as I talked about on Monday.
And that’s why I believe that a dead sex life is often (and usually) a sign of a troubled spiritual life.
When we run away from intimacy with our husbands, we’re likely running away from intimacy with God, too. And if he’s running away from intimacy and running towards porn, I can guarantee you he’s running away from God as well.
I talk to so many women who have just given up. Their libidos are low and they figure, “it’s not a big deal; sex is boring anyway.” So they live very ordered lives, with to do lists and responsibilities and tasks at hand. And they miss out on the passion!
They may think they’ve given themselves totally over to God–homeschooling their kids, keeping a nice house, serving at church–but if they’re running away from passion then it doesn’t have power. Do you know what I’m saying?
I know so many people have issues with sex; I did, too! I’m not trying to belittle those issues. But I do believe that if we settle for that–if we say, “My sex life is just dead”–then we’re also, in a way, cutting ourselves off from a great big abundant life with God. You can’t cut yourself off from your sexuality; you were created to feel passion and to feel intimacy and to be able to totally let go. If you choose to run away from that, I believe that you will completely stifle your spiritual life, too.
Readers, that’s why I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. If you’re a regular reader and you’re having issues with sex, there’s so much more in the book than there is on this blog. I’m glad you’re here, I really am. You don’t have to buy the book. But I wrote it to help people like you–I really did. If you haven’t ordered a copy of The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex yet, will you? And with Christmas coming up, it’s an easier and less awkward time to give a book like that to someone you know. Will you give it to a wife you know who is struggling? Or to a woman whose about to start her marriage (or who has just gotten married?) If we can get this stuff RIGHT–if we can start running towards passion instead of away from passion–I really think more than just our marriages will be transformed. Our faith will be transformed. Our churches will be transformed.
Because we’re alive again, and we’ve stopped keeping God out.
And that matters.
Please let me know in the comments if I’m making any sense! Have you ever found that your spirituality and your sex life are linked? I’d love to talk about this more!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature “Girl Talk” about sex and marriage. And she’s written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Marriage isn’t supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous–physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it’s not, get The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–and find out what you’ve been missing.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I have serious trust issues due to emotional and sexual abuse. I suffer from depression and GAD and its hard for me to trust God and feel loved by him. Same goes for my husband. I am in therapy now but its so hard because my healing is taking länger than I want it too and I feel so awful that I cant have sex with my husband…I always hear and read that we should be having sex, how wonderful it is and how my husband needs it blau blau bla. And it makes me feel like the wirst wie ever. I wish there was more information for those of us who are broken sexually and emotionally. For those of us who cant spice things up, who cant even kiss their husbands properly because it makes them feel nauseous and panicky…
Oh, Amanda, I’m so, so sorry! I really am. My heart just hurts for you. You know what? You need to stop thinking about how “your husband needs it” blah blah blah, as you said. 🙂 That just leads to guilt and slows down the healing process. Instead, just focus on how much God loves you. On how much He wants for you. Focus on how to move forward. I really believe that whatever we focus on expands, so keep focusing on God’s love and God’s passion and your love for your husband, even if you can’t see that in a sexual way right now. Just focus on life, and not only on what was stolen from you. Look at the beauty that God wants for you.
And if kissing makes you nauseous, take things super slow. Ask him to lie still while you just touch him or kiss him lightly on the cheek. you be the only one that’s moving (that’s often much less scary and panic-inducing). And don’t focus on sex–just focus on how nice it is to be next to a warm, breathing body who loves you.
You really can get there! Something precious was taken from you, but it’s not gone forever, because you still have God. You really do. I wish you all the best.
Amanda,
Hugs. You are not alone. Overcoming sexual abuse is one of the hardest things. It takes time and patience and a huge dose of perseverance. It’s tough work but it’s worth it. I spent 20 years running. Jesus was the only thing that finally helped me stop running. Once I finally grasped his love, I could let go of the lie the abuse told me.
I am able to now do things I couldn’t before because I took baby steps. Day after day. And I told my story at least 20 times. Out loud. Until it didn’t have the same power over me.
I do not look at sex as my duty anymore. It’s a gift. And one that makes me cry because I didn’t know that it was indeed spiritual and an incredible expression of love. It’s when my soul touches his and that type of knowing is almost beyond words.
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!
That’s wonderful, Taunya. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much! 🙂
I’m 46 years old my husband is 56 he’s never really been interested in sex we have it but not very often. Maybe about four or five times a year. I have a higher sex drive than him and ask him. I tell him maybe we should have sex he just blows me off .He doesn’t want to spend time with me .He’s to busy working. I feel like our marriage is dead .I stay because I have no where to go .What should I do .
So what if my personality just isn’t passionate? My emotions stick around the middle of the spectrum with all aspects of my life (husband, kids, hobbies). I have a strong unwavering faith, but I don’t feel passion for it. Sex is nice but it has never felt passionate. I often feel that you have to be a fun! outgoing! excitable! person to be able to have the sex life you preach about. What about us “boring” people?
Great question!
I don’t think you have to be a fun, outgoing person–that’s really more of a personality thing! So let me try to explain, because I think that this is really the key, and perhaps I haven’t done it very well.
What I’m talking about is both Joy and Passion–that intersection where we feel truly alive. And the ability to feel truly alive is really the ability to live entirely in the moment–to allow oneself to feel and experience and to breathe. That’s what worship is, too. It allows us to just be in awe at the Saviour’s feet, without anything else interfering. We’re just caught up in worshiping Him.
So with sex, I think what it means is the ability to just BE THERE–to experience and love your husband, to feel with your body, and not worry or think about what’s going on around you. You allow yourself to go with the moment. You allow yourself to be carried away a bit.
I think that’s why sex and worship are actually so similar.
Now that will look different for different people–for some it may be huge and loud, for others it may not. But that feeling of being deeply alive, that is something that all personalities should be able to have.
I think with women we have a hard time turning everything else off, all those voices in our heads, and that stops real passion. We can’t give ourselves fully to anything but too many things are accusing us and competing for our attention all the time. And for many others, they run away from this and make sex almost mechanical because to let oneself fully go is to have a truly personal experience, and when we’re holding back, that’s far too vulnerable.
I’m not saying that every sexual encounter will be like that. Sometimes we’re tired, we’re distracted, we’re sick, and that’s okay. Our sex lives are more than the sum of each individual episode. But some should be passionate. And if we’ve never really experienced that “living in the moment” and loving in the moment, then maybe it’s worth asking, “why can’t I let go? What lies am I believing? What am I holding on to?”
I hope that makes some sense! Thanks so much for asking, because I think that’s a question many women have.
My husband hasn’t wanted to have sex in two months. He’s in the military and our relationship ship has always been long distance and we’ve always been extremely passionate given we have always had limited time together. Now we’re together and living together, he has zero desire to have sex and I can’t do anything to help. He just doesn’t get going for me. He says “We’ll figure it out, I just haven’t felt horny at all”. And my sex drive is super high so I don’t know what to do. I feel undesired and just far from him without that intimacy. Any suggestions?
Hi, I kind of relate to what you said about your personality. I am not very emotional or expressive of emotions. I am the quiet kind. I can hang out at a party and enjoy it but you might not hear me talk at all. I may like a gift, and I will say thank you, but I am not going to get all excited about it talking five minutes on how fabulous or whatever it is. But I do know what passion is. I am passionate about a few things and if you tap into those by asking me the right question, I will warn the listener that he better sit back and relax because I can talk non stop if you hit the right spot! I might not be very emotional in my talk, but I sure can give a speech in an area that I am passionate about, because I have strong believes about those. So passion doesn’t equal loud!
For my sex life I would say that the passion is quiet too. But it’s when I am fully present that I can feel something that is so much deeper and alive like Sheila said. It feels like a spring of waters, something abundant that wants to flow out.
Now I have been in a place where I was distanced from my emotions. I had locked them away. I felt dead. I felt distant from many things, even my husband and children. I would do what I had to do as a member wife and mom. But there was no feelings. I did it for them, because I had to, or because it was right. I thought this was love. And maybe it was. But now I have passion again because God put Hos finger on the wounded place and healed it. Maybe I’ll share what it was: my first birth was in the hospital. It was not a dramatic birth. All pretty straight forward, but the many nurses and doctors sticking their fingers in to do a vaginal exam, walking in front of strangers to the shower during labor in the birth wing, not feeling protected, being pushed to things I didn’t want or need like the episiotomy after! giving birth to fix the tear or whatever. Being sewn up to tight and as a result dealing 8 or ten months (I think) with vaginism and basically not having sex for that time until I figured out the physical part. Then the second birth. That’s when the healing started. I kept dreaming that the baby would be peacefully born at home and whenever thinking of the hospital I would panick and have this vulnerable feeling. After quiet a few miracles I indeed had a planned homebirth that brought a big deal of healing. But I was not there yet. I wasn’t present during sex. I was distanced emotionally mostly from my husband. Then third pregnancy. Still panicked to go to the hospital. Pleading for another homebirth without really understanding why. Until God finally showed it to me: my first birth experience, it was like being robbed or abused and hurt in the most vulnerable moment. I cried many tears and I knew that God wants to heal me. I had another homebirth that was probably the most beautiful experience I had so far in my life. Since then I am able to let go again, to love deeply, to feel passionately. Even though these are all quiet most of the time
I have no idea why it says member before wife and mom…
I can certainly relate to those “dry bones,” Sheila! Especially the older I get! ha! Thanks for always giving us practical helps in revving up our sex lives! You’re the best!
Husbands addiction to pornography has stolen my sex life and destroyed intimacy. Im 43 and beautiful, smart, kind, respectful and loving. Out of the nearly 11 yrars we have been married 75% of it has been sexless.
I am so, so sorry. That is just so tragic! Can I ask: have you ever drawn firm boundaries, and told him: this is what I will tolerate and this is what I will not. And then followed through? So often people can’t really break an addiction until they realize what they are losing. I’ve got a post on the 4 things to do if your husband uses porn, and I really hope it helps. Your husband needs you to be strong and say, “no more” if he’s going to get better, too.
I wish you weren’t going through this. I wish nobody had to go through this! How much porn steals! It’s awful.
Years of his porn use. The comparatives, the criticisms. He put our sex life on hold. Literally stopped it three years ago, then up and around again. Talk? Oh sure he will talk, talks to me like I am a porn star – giving directions and commentary. Talks to me like I owe him, but there is no affection and no trust.
An old post on this site says do it anyway. Shame on you.
“At the very core of the idea of consent is desire. You consent because you want to have sex. If sex is never your choice or idea, but something that happens to you whenever your partner wants it, then I am going to hand you this giant box of red flags. Sex when you don’t want to have sex isn’t your duty. It’s rape. You have no responsibility to meet anyone’s sexual needs when you don’t want to. This behavior not only stems from control, but it can easily transition into violence. Your body is yours.”
Sally, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. If he has a porn problem, that simply has to be dealt with, as I said in the post that you quoted.
The problem is that advice is not all the same–as I said in this post. That’s why there are so many different posts on this site! If your husband is using porn, that is the main issue that needs to be handled. But in other cases, women are settling for a dead sex life when they could do something about it–and they should.
That’s why I also link to other posts telling the other side of the story. I hope you understand, and please read this post about what to do if your husband uses porn.
I think it’s absolutely right that having a dead sex life in marriage is also a spiritual problem. The Bible even tells us that how we treat our spouse can hinder our spiritual life.
1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
Notice that a man’s prayers, his conversation with God, can be hindered if he doesn’t treat his wife properly. I think the same goes for wives – that their prayers and connection to God can be hindered if they don’t treat their husbands properly.
Having a great sex life is what God wants for married couples. It’s His design, His plan. God doesn’t expect us to have arrived in every area, but He does expect us to have the right mindset and to work towards what He wants for us. When we refuse to work on marriage problems, including sex problems, we’re in disobedience to God, and thus creating distance – not only between us and our spouse, but between us and God.
Yes! I think you’re so right, Lindsay–many of us haven’t arrived yet, and that’s okay. As long as the direction is right–that we’re moving towards greater intimacy–that’s okay. But when we refuse to work on issues, that’s not okay. Or as I say in my Girl Talk all the time: There’s nothing wrong with having issues. We all have issues. But there’s something really wrong with refusing to work on our issues!
I’m perplexed. I’m sure there are plenty of people who have phenomenal sex lives who are spiritually dead. I’m not sure that I agree with the approach of a broad assumption that if your sex life is bad, then your spirit life is bad. It makes me think of people who say “You don’t have enough faith” when bad things happen, or when someone isn’t healed………I think to stay in a marriage where sex has been bad from the beginning, takes someone who is pretty spiritually strong? I don’t think I’m spiritually weak. I have spent years praying on this, I have spent lots of time and energy trying to resolve this problem…..God hasn’t answered. Obviously. But oh, it must be ME then……..? Because God answers every prayer?? I also lost a son to cancer. I assure you, God does not answer every prayer, or grant our wishes. But God is God, and sometimes we have to accept what happens is not because God caused it to happen, and God will not fix it either. Sometimes our spouse (the male) does not see things the same way we do. He has no problem with it. I can’t change him (I’m also learning) I can only change myself. I can fight it, cause a rift, or I can decide that I love him despite his shortcomings (no pun intended) and be content.
He doesn’t want to change anything, as much as that hurts, I’m not willing to commit adultery or divorce him (I’ve decided after much prayer and angst…..) so in the end…….it is what it is……I have not given up without a fight, but there comes a time when you have to make a decision, and own it. I’ve had to learn to focus my physical energy elsewhere in a positive way. It’s very difficult, and I get resentful sometimes, but spiritually weak? No, God in my life has to be strong to endure this. If I were spiritually weak, I’d have left a long time ago for this one reason.
That’s a really good point, Crystal, and I am so sorry about your son. How awful to live through! What a terrible pain to carry.
Let me see if I can explain better. I think if you’re married to someone who is the impediment in your sex life, it’s totally not your fault and does not reflect upon your spiritual life at all. But I’m pretty sure it reflects on theirs! That was more the point I was making.
And I also believe that there are plenty of people who aren’t healed of sexual trauma and abuse, and I think the primary way that that healing comes isn’t just by trying to heal the sexual side, but instead by a deep spiritual healing–by understanding the depth of the love of God and the depth of His compassion for us and what Jesus’ death meant in terms of them dealing with the pain. When we get closer to God, the healing in every other part of our lives is so much easier.
That doesn’t mean that it will be complete on this side of heaven; if we take your grief example, you don’t “get over” grief. You grow through it and you learn to function again, but it is always a part of you. And some hurts are always a part of us. But as we deal with them I think we are better able to experience God in other parts of our lives, too.
What I see is too many people who are running away from sex, and it’s those people that I’m really talking to. People who are running away from real intimacy, not people who have trauma or abuse and certainly not people who are married to someone who is withdrawing or who is in sin himself. I do think that when we deliberately close ourselves off to intimacy with our husbands, it’s very likely we’re doing so with God, too.
But I certainly don’t mean to lay the blame at people’s feet–“you just didn’t pray hard enough”. Goodness knows I heard that enough before my son died, too! I think with God our direction always matters more than our position–in other words, are we moving closer to Him or away from Him? When we’re moving closer, even if we haven’t totally arrived, we are healed and we start to reap the benefits in so many ways. But that healing may not be complete, and that’s okay.
But if we fail to address issues, then we’re really moving away from God, and that, I believe, is really dangerous.
So it’s not really about whether we’ve achieved healing; it’s really about whether we’re moving towards Him or away from Him. Because if we deliberately choose to move away from sex, it’s very likely we’re moving away from God, too. And that will have tremendous impact on all areas of our lives.
Great post! I love the connection you make between passionate spirituality and sexuality.
My experience has been that many women feel like they have low sexual drive when in reality, they simply have responsive sexuality rather than spontaneous.
Once a woman and her husband figure out what triggers her responsive drive, the sex can get very good and much more passionate.
I think this article makes some great points. But those of us with depression have learned not to give too much credence to our emotions — for us, emotions don’t generally connect too well with reality. The thought of expressing passion or emotion, especially in public, frightens me because if I let the emotions off the leash, I have no idea where they’ll take me. I think that, while we should all strive for a flourishing sex life, the emphasis on feelings is a bit off the mark. Do I have to feel wildly passionate every time?
This post is a good reminder, though, because my husband never seems interested, and since having the baby (now 3 months old) I haven’t been that interested either. He says it is fun but just too much work, and I’m sick of initiating and by now inclined to agree with him.
I get what you’re saying! My husband recently left me for porn and other women. It is my job now to be pure until I marry again. This makes me angry at him for stealing that passion from my life, but I am hopeful for the future! God will help me remain pure until I can have a passionate relationship again.
I’m so sorry, Gabi. So sorry that your husband chose so badly. What a heartbreak!
Thank you Sheila! God is amazing and He has carried me through this. My relationship with Him had grown SO much and I’ve learned so much! I am in a much better place than I was in the midst of constant betrayal. Thank you for your posts! I will still remain a reader because your topics are so valuable. And someday, when I remarry, I would like to have the tools to have a successful marriage. Thank you for taking a stand for our souls and the health of marriage!
And I, too, lived in a mostly sexless marriage for ten years. It was awful and I hated it. I forgave through affairs and relapsing with pen porn. It was such a hard season. God chose to rescue me from it by him eventually leaving.
There are some marriages that are sexless (due to medical reasons, mutually agreed, age, etc.) and are very healthy.
Absolutely–but that’s a different thing. If people aren’t deliberately running away from intimacy, then that’s something else entirely. But even if intercourse isn’t possible, there are still other things that you can do, and I think couples should still be able to feel intimate.
It’s commendable that you argue in favor of a spirituality that includes more earthy feelings: an environment that teems with life is one where there is constant flow and cycling of matter, constant change. Historically, religious feeling has shunned this in favor of “Thou that changest not,” the pure and transcendent. Mordor was a horrible place, but is it any less sterile than some popular conceptions of heaven as a place of ultimate purity?
I come from a tradition that, culturally at least, tends to suck all the joy and passion out of worship too, and when worship and spirituality and Godliness are austere and sterile (marble, glass, steel) and reserved and quiet, then it is very hard to build a deep sense of spirituality as including feelings and all the mess associated with them . . . or all the mess of bodily fluids associated with sex, for that matter.
Great insight! That’s so true.
I am so passionate about my husband but i don’t feel its mutual. I definitely have the higher libido. I want more but I just cant find a way to talk to him about it. This is my fourth marriage and i really want it to work. But telling him how i feel scares me. What is ok to talk about as a christian?
Ok. I’m going to put it all out there. Rape, sexual abuse, mental, emotional and spiritual abuse and a full hysterectomy has caused me sexual problems most of my life.
When I have been in committed relationships, I have clammed up when I was approached a certain way. This has always been a subconscious response.
Even now, and even though my husband cannot have sexual intercourse, due to his meds, when he touches me a certain way, dread hits me like a brick. It’s weird because I know he can’t do anything anymore.
Sex became horribly painful for me. So he stopped trying to have sex with me because he didn’t want to cause me pain. But, for years, he would make comments about how he wasn’t getting it. I told him that it wasn’t my fault and to please stop saying these things. He ignored me and kept right on making them.
Finally, when he says that, I am the one who can say, that’s not my fault.
Let me explain. He let himself get way overweight, wouldn’t try to do anything to change his physical health so now he’s on meds that stops him from having intercourse.
Back to me. I’ve been to drs. I’ve prayed, used numerous creams, you name it only to be disappointed again. I cannot have intercourse. It is too painful!
So we are a happily married couple, who others envy. We cuddle and kiss a lot. We talk about everything under the sun. And the biggie. We both love God and keep Him first in our lives to the best of our ability.
We have not moved away from Him in any fashion sense of the word. If anything, we are closer to him than we have ever been.
One. I don’t feel pressured and guilty for not being able to have sex, and two, we are at the point, in our marriage, where sex isn’t the end all of everything.
We’re going on 29 years in August. I have seen many marriages fail within a much shorter period of time, and, to my knowledge, sex wasn’t their problem.
Like you said, you aren’t talking about physical problems being the reason for a sexless marriage. I know that. I just hope I’ve helped some other woman, who has gone through what I have so that she can realize that she can still have a wonderful, loving marriage even though she isn’t having sex. As long as her and her husband have an understanding, there isn’t any reason as to why they can’t be happy and loving God and serving Him just as much as when they were sexually active.
Thank you for sharing your journey, Claire. It’s quite the story, and I’m glad you guys are still feeling strong and close to God. That’s a real testament!
I hope I helped women, who are in my shoes.
When I went to a specialist for the sexual pain issue, she just told me, there isn’t anything that can be done. You will just have to live with it.
I did find a creme that has helped me to, at least, stop being sore. For that, I am thankful.
My journey is a great deal more, but I didn’t want to try to write a book here.
What I’m trying to point out here is this. A woman should never be made to or thinks she has to feel guilty for not being able to have intercourse. Sometimes, the facts of life are that we just don’t have control over some parts of our lives, and sex is one of them when we’re older, been abused or haven’t the ability to do so.
For the time he was in me, and I wanted to scream but bore it because of my love for him, and then to be sore for days afterward, just wasn’t worth it for the time it took for him to climax. I know he was tense and always asking if I was ok. I would do anything and everything to get him to orgasm so I could get it over with.
Now that he has ED due to his meds, it is, actually, a relief for me since I don’t have to feel guilty for not being able to meet that part of being a wife. But I do miss the intimacy, as I know he does.
So, like I said, we cuddle and kiss a lot.