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What messages do you tell yourself about sex?

When I was giving my Girl Talk on Sunday night near Fayetteville, North Carolina, one of the points I made is that for women, our sex drives are primarily in our heads. For men, it’s a little bit lower, but for women, it’s almost entirely what we’re thinking.

Sex is almost entirely in our brains! So we need to think the right thoughts.

The messages that we tell ourselves about sex, then, really do determine our libidos!

I was talking to several women after the event, and they were all wondering: how do I jumpstart my libido again after I’ve had a bunch of kids? How do I start seeing it as something fun when it’s become so boring? How can I look forward to sex when I’ve never had an orgasm and I’m starting to doubt I really will?

The problem is that the more we focus on these negative things–I have no libido and can’t get in the mood; I can’t have an orgasm; sex is boringthe more it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But here’s the good news: because our sex drives are almost entirely in our heads, we have an amazing weapon! We can deliberately tell ourselves good things, and that can actually change our experience of sex! If we’re lying there during sex, waiting to feel good, and letting our mind wander, nothing will happen. But if we start giving ourselves positive messages, sex will feel so much better–and we’ll feel so much closer to our husbands, too!

So here you go, for Top 10 Tuesday: 10 positive things to tell yourself about sex.

Top 10 Positive Things To Tell Yourself About Sex

1. I am going to rock my husband’s world tonight!

When to say this: Throughout the day. Even text it to him!

Why say this: Sometimes we’re insecure. We think our bodies aren’t good enough or that we aren’t good enough. But tell yourself–I’m going to make him feel amazing! And then, tonight, jump him! Be the one to initiate or the one to get on top, and see the effect you have on him. It makes you feel powerful–and that helps you feel better about sex!

2. I am going to feel so relaxed after this.

When to say this: Earlier in the night, when you’re really tired and you’re thinking that you don’t want sex.

Why say this: Remember–sex puts you to sleep! And so you’ll sleep better. Instead of saying, “not tonight, honey. I’m too exhausted,” say, “Come put me to sleep, baby!”

'Want to enjoy great sex in your marriage? Then tell yourself great things about sex!'Click To Tweet

3. What is feeling good right now?

When to say this: While you’re making love

Why say this: It may not sound positive, but if you start asking the question–“what is feeling good?”, or, in another version, “what wants to be touched right now?”, then you start to pay attention to your body. Blood will flow to the right places. You’ll notice that things ARE feeling good. And then you’re more likely to feel pleasure. If you let your mind wander, hoping that pleasure will overtake your wanderings, it’s far less likely to happen. Be deliberate!

4. I can reach orgasm one day.

When to say this: Whenever you get depressed or doubtful.

Why say this: If it doesn’t happen, we can often feel hopeless. But there’s nothing wrong with your body. You simply need to learn to relax more and not worry about it too much; concentrate on the pleasure, not the goal; and maybe tweak a little bit what you’re doing. I’ve got a post on that here, and tons in both my books, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex.

5. My body was created to feel pleasure.

When to say this: When you’re in the shower, when you’re on your own throughout the day–just smile to yourself!

Why say this: Sometimes we forget that we exist from the neck down. We tune the rest of ourselves out. Don’t! Pay attention to your body throughout the day, and remember that no matter what shape your body is in, it can still feel wonderful.

6. I want to laugh together tonight.

When to say this: Throughout the day, whenever you’re stressed.

Why say this: Sometimes sex gets too serious, and that’s why we avoid it. But sex can be fun. You can be like two giggling newlyweds beneath the covers! When we stop being so serious about it, it can become a lot more fun. And then it can help you and your husband feel a lot closer, too.

31 Days to Great Sex--a series of fun challenges to do with your husband that make your marriage rock! #marriage

7. I deserve to feel good tonight.

When to say this: When you’re exhausted with your children.

Why say this: When we go into “mommy” mode we often think that we can’t escape it. Our libidos are gone. But fight back! If you’re in mommy mode, that’s all the more reason that you need to have great sex tonight. Maybe trying to focus on boosting your libido or on getting excited isn’t working. But try this approach: instead of saying, “he needs to feel close to me”, or “I know sex is important in our marriage”, or “I know I should”, say, “I deserve this!” Because you do! You were created to feel great. And so fight for it. Fight to get out of the mommy funk and feel like a wife again!

8. I love feeling my husband inside me.

When to say this: When you’re going for a walk with your husband or you’re just talking with him.

Why say this: Jumpstart your libido by letting yourself daydream when you’re talking to him! Making love is such an intimate experience, so when you’re with your hubby just talking, remember that “this can go further”, and I like that!

9. I can be a wildcat!

When to say this: When you’re bored during the day or you get depressed about routine in your life.

Why say this: Remember that sex can be an antidote to monotony. Instead of letting the monotony in the rest of your life infect your sex life, let your sex life be something that breaks the monotony! Smile to yourself and realize, “even if everyone else sees me as nothing but a busy mom or as a secretary or as a waitress, I can be wild!” And then imagine some wilder things you can do to be more adventurous in bed. It’s a great confidence boost!

10. I love my husband and I want our marriage to be rock solid.

When to say this: When you’re heading to bed.

Why say this: To remind yourself that sex is more than sex; it’s also making love. And the most precious thing you have on this earth is your marriage–it’s the foundation for everything else. Isn’t it great how sex can cement that relationship?

Marriage is where sex goes to THRIVE! Top 10 Positive things to tell yourself about sexClick To Tweet

In short, ladies, get your head out of thinking about your to-do list and all the things that rob you of pleasure, and get your head thinking about all the things that give you pleasure.

Why? Because you’ll sleep better; you’ll have a stronger marriage; you’ll be more relaxed; you’ll feel more confident; and little things won’t bug you as much in your everyday life.

Sex has such tremendous benefits, but sometimes it’s hard to flip that switch and get “in the mood”. So fight back! Tell yourself good things. And see what a difference that will make!

Now let me know in the comments: what message do YOU have to tell yourself about sex?

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