Is watching porn together as a couple okay if you’re both consenting adults?
Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it! When I do my Girl Talk, my one night event at churches where I talk about marriage and sex, I invariably get a variation of this question:
So today, let’s look at that one.
Before we get into my argument, I’d just like to point out that even if you are consenting, you are inviting a third (or fourth, or fifth) person into your bedroom with you. That IS adultery. And you’re watching people do stuff together which they shouldn’t be doing (I’m pretty sure they’re not married). And even if they were, to deliberately be exhibitionist is simply not right. And now you’re getting aroused by someone other than your spouse, which is also wrong.
But I know that, if you’re asking the question, you may not agree with me that watching porn together really IS bad. So here are four other reasons that you should steer clear of porn:
1. You May Be Consenting–but Are The “Porn Stars”?
You and your husband may be consenting, but pornography doesn’t just involve the people watching. There’s also the people who make the porn. And even if you decide to only go on “nice” sites where there’s just sex between two people, and “nothing weird”, how do you know those people are consenting?
It’s widely known that drugs are rampant in the porn industry. Drug addiction is huge. And that’s often the reason that people make porn–to support their habit.
That’s not consent.
Porn also heavily uses trafficked women. How do you know you’re not feeding that?
And finally, “revenge porn” is a huge problem. When people break up, their ex leaks the sex tape. In many cases you’re watching something that another individual never meant to be made public. There’s too much risk involved to be hurting others.
2. Watching Porn Together Will Hurt Your Chances of Feeling Truly Intimate
I’ve talked before about how one of the major problems with pornography is that it trains your brain to be aroused by an image or a fantasy rather than a person.
Then sex stops being about intimacy and emotional and spiritual closeness and starts being only about the body–you’re almost using each other rather than loving each other. Studies (including one that I did when writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex) have repeatedly found that women who enjoy sex the most and who are most likely to reach orgasm are those who feel the most intimate–not those who stretch their sexual boundaries the most or watch pornography or use sex toys.
In fact, the more you watch porn, the more you start to need porn to get aroused. And it’s so hard to get those images out of your head.
To read more about this, check out my post on the Top 10 Negative Effects of Porn.
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3. Watching Porn Together Will Send Your Sexual Desires in a Strange Direction
Pornography does not center around “normal” sexual activity between two people–you know, having sex in one of the basic positions. It tends to focus on other things that are more “camera intense”. I mean, let’s face it, having sex in the missionary position is not easily photographic. Positions where the guy is more dominant are much easier to photograph and make it exciting. And other sex acts are easier to photograph, too.
So watching porn really does increase our desire for certain sexual practices. Here are two examples: anal sex tended to be thought of as perverse, fringe, and something only homosexuals do until the last 10-12 years, when internet porn became big. Now it’s commonplace, and many couples want to do it (and many women feel pressured to indulge their husband’s fantasies, even if they make them uncomfortable).
I tend to be one who believes the more positions, the better! But I stop here. That’s just not safe. The anus is not the same as a vagina; it’s intended to let stuff out, not let stuff in, and if you repeatedly stretch it like that, it’s simply unwise and unhealthy. The walls of the anus are so much thinner than the vagina, too, making it so much easier to spread diseases.
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4. By Watching Porn You Feed an Evil Industry
No one starts out thinking, “I’d like to watch a child being raped live over the internet“. Yet all too many people eventually wander into that part of the web. And how do they get there? They start watching “regular” porn, and then it stops giving them the same high or the same excitement, and so they look for more. And they keep going down and down and down that road until they end up with child porn.
Obviously not everyone who watches porn will watch child porn, but pretty much everyone who watches child porn started out with regular porn. And those children are being raped. They are being abused. In many cases, they are being killed. Some of it is happening here in North America, but there is a whole industry of it in Cambodia and Thailand where little children are used like this.
Even if you never go down this road, you feed and support the demand for an industry which takes others down that road.
If the “regular” internet porn industry wasn’t there, the child porn industry wouldn’t be there. By others supporting internet porn and talking about how “it’s no big deal”, we end up fueling the desire for truly evil stuff.
It’s like in areas where marijuana has been legalized. It was thought this would make the drug problem better, since marijuana could be regulated. But marijuana is a gateway drug; once you use it, it’s easier to start harder drugs. Well, “normal” porn is a gateway to the other stuff. Once we use it, it’s easier to go to the stuff that is truly awful, where violence against women is part of the excitement or where children are involved.
When we support the gateway, we make that gateway bigger. And then it’s easier for more people to go through that gateway.
That’s why I believe watching porn is always wrong. It doesn’t matter if you’re both consenting; it will wreck your intimacy and it fuels something evil.
I was really saddened recently when I heard that a Christian sex author that I know and that I used to respect has been saying in interviews that watching porn together is okay. I’m not sure how this author can ever make such a pronouncement. We need to take a strong stand against this. If you want to heat up your sex life, there’s so much more you can do that is healthy and that will grow your intimacy–not take away from it.
Read my book 31 Days to Great Sex together–it’s filled with challenges for new positions and how to spice things up, if that’s what you need (as well as lots of challenges on how to get more affectionate, how to flirt, and lots of other things!)
But please, don’t watch porn. That’s a door you just don’t want to open.
Let me know in the comments: have you had experience with porn wrecking your relationship or your ability to feel intimate?
UPDATE: I changed this post from its original to stress more than it IS adultery. I’ve always believed that, but I wanted to try to use more persuasive arguments first. I now think I should have stressed that more in the beginning, so I’ve amended it!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature “Girl Talk” about sex and marriage. And she’s written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Love the new layout.
Saddened that this is even a question people need to ask.
Thanks, Emily!
Those are all important things, but there’s more. Even if the porn you watched was all consensually produced and both the husband and wife consented to watching it too, and even if it didn’t fuel an evil industry or twist sexual desires, it still breaks the sanctity of the marriage bed that God said is to remain undefiled. The marriage bed is for a husband and wife ONLY. Bringing in third parties – whether in person, through images like porn, or in mental fantasies – is a violation of the marriage covenant.
Remember that the marriage covenant isn’t just about consent between a man and wife. It’s a vow before God. And God sets the rules about sex and marriage. So whether or not the husband and wife consent is irrelevant because God doesn’t consent to third parties in the marriage bed. Our culture wants to make the consent of the people involved the last word on whether something is acceptable, but this is simply not what the Bible teaches about morality. Morality is set by God and we have to follow His rules, not merely get consent from other humans.
Sure, there are some very serious side-effects to watching porn – including the abuse and rape of women and children, training your sexual appetites to seek an image for arousal, and limiting the true intimacy that sex in marriage is supposed to create. But the reason that these terrible things come with porn is that sin is always destructive. The evil side-effects show us that the thing itself is evil. Evil produces more evil.
It’s like claiming abusing your wife was evil because it causes physical harm and may ruin your marriage. Yeah, of course it does. But even if it caused no physical harm and didn’t ruin your marriage, it would still be wrong for a man to abuse his wife. The abuse itself is wrong, even apart from the effects it produces. And using porn is inherently wrong, quite apart from the effects it produces.
Totally true, Lindsay! I actually just wrote a comment about that, and then I saw yours.
The only thing is that if people are asking the question, they likely won’t be persuaded by the “it’s sin” argument. Their consciences are already seared to that. So I absolutely believe that it’s sin, but let’s face it: many people don’t agree and don’t care.
I also have a lot of people (probably more than half) who read this blog who don’t claim to be Christian, so I also have to talk to them in ways that they will understand.
But I absolutely believe that it’s sin and that it’s a form of adultery. It’s just so sad that we have to deal with this at all!
You know what, Lindsay? The more I think about it the more I think you’re right. I was writing this thinking, “what would be persuasive to those who are considering it?”, but I do think I should have stressed that more. So I amended it. Thanks!
Good day, I have a question that has been on my mine for sometime and I will be happy if you can give me a good reply thank you in advance. Here is the question am having accommodation problem with my hubby and was given a room to manage before I get my own apartment, my hubby brother of 30 years of age is with us under the same roof and am not comfortable and my hubby want to have sex with me on his bed which I denied him am I wrong with the decision I took? Honestly am not free and am not comfortable in that house. Pls save a soul
Nuriyat, please hear me. You should not have to do anything in the bedroom that makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Sex is supposed to be about both of you feeling intimate and feeling as if you’re one. It isn’t only about living out his fantasy. It really isn’t. If it degrades you, then it’s wrong. You can read this post, too, on what to do if your husband wants something you think is gross. It may be worth working through something like 31 days to Great Sex with him, and starting at the beginning, and talking about how to make sex wonderful for both of you, where it honours both of you. I do hope that helps!
There are other points I also believe–watching porn is like adultery, since you are inviting a third party (and a fourth) into your bedroom. And it’s also sin because you’re watching two people commit sinful acts, and getting pleasure from that.
But I figured that if someone was asking the question, those reasons wouldn’t really be persuasive.
But they are, absolutely, true, too!
Oh, another thing I was going to say: to all Christians who are asking this question, how can watching porn together in any way go along with Philippians 4:8:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
It just isn’t good or noble or pure or lovely. It just isn’t. And you can’t justify it. You really can’t.
My post was already running 1500 words, and I’m really trying to keep my posts below that (seriously, they get so long, especially on mobile devices!). So I keep thinking of more I wanted to say, and maybe I’ll just put it in the comments, too. 🙂
I agree with you 100% but the fully shaven thing isn’t entirely true. It is more about clearly seeing the female genitals more than looking like a kid. The kid thing was made up to scare porn users into stopping.
Granted, yes, there are areas of porn where they look for girls who look very young to imitate pedophilia.
Women have been removing pubic hair for centuries. Look at classical paintings of nude women. Full, robust, womanly, and yet shaven.
A woman’s vulva does NOT look like a little girl’s vulva, hairy or hairless.
Amen! I’ve been hairless “down there” for 10 years. I did it on a dare from my husband when he had to shave his “area” for a vasectomy and have never gone back! Love how comfortable it is, among other things. My husband is not into porn, and I think if a woman wants to shave, she shouldn’t feel shamed by porn references. It’s no different than not wanting hair on your legs or armpits.
I’m with you on the shaving thing here, libl. My husband was testing the waters about me trimming down there and I was all indignant: you got that from porn! You just want me to look like a little girl! No, I’m not shaving! But he finally pushed back and said porn had nothing to do with it; it just feels better. No one likes flossing with pubic hair during oral sex. I ask him to trim/shave for that reason, so I totally had a double standard. He said it is the same way as how I just feel sexier when I have freshly shaved legs. It just feels sexier to him for things to be neat and tidy down there and shows that I am being considerate of his time spent down there. And he *loves* being able to see everything.
So I personally don’t think porn actually has that much to do with this growing trend. I think it has more to do with more women knowing what they want as far as pleasure and not being afraid to ask for it, and in return guys request a little maintenance to make it more enjoyable for them too. I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
But otherwise I am with you all the way here, Sheila! So sad that people can’t see it this way.
Exactly! I hate body hair on me. If I could afford to have it all zapped off forever I would! I started going bare as a teenager long before I got married and had sex. Hubby has only ever known me bald, and while he had used porn before he met me, NY being bald has nothing to do with it. And his preference has nothing to do with my looking like a child. If that were the case, we shouldn’t shave our pits and legs either because little girls don’t have Chewbacca pits and legs.
I know there isn’t any pubic hair in old paintings, but I don’t know if that’s because it didn’t exist (was removed), or if it just wasn’t painted! I guess there’s no way to really know.
Also, am I right in thinking that they make you shave for birth? Or is that just for a cesarean? Either way, there’s plenty of opportunity for couples to have come to that conclusion privately for that reason, and it’s just that now (for better or for worse) people are a bit more open about it? Just my 2 pence worth.
No, you do not get shaved to give birth. That used to be standard practice years ago when women in labor were treated like animals. Thank God that is slowly coming to an end.
Great article Sheila. I think that married couples need to know that watching porn together is not healthy. Maybe it will be a quick fix on boosting libido or excitement, but it’s going to degrade. It’s an addiction. You never hear recovering addicts talk about anything positive that stemmed from their addiction. People who are recovering from porn never say, that was a healthy thing. They say it destroyed them in more ways then one. It’s so important to take a stand in m on our marriage blogs against this.
So true, Keelie! I think that’s why it threw me so much to hear such a popular Christian author say it was okay. It was just really sad.
It is really sad to hear that Christans would say such a thing. It doesn’t even make sense that consent argument. Why should something that is bad done alone become good done in agreement together? That is just really false thinking.
I know. Sigh. But I get the question A LOT! And I think the fact that some authors are saying it’s okay is making it worse.
Just a comment – I agree whole heartly that porn is wrong. However I would say I prefer no hair down below just for 2 reasons. 1 oral sex with no hair in my mouth, second I love to see my wife’s body clearly, not thru the bushes!
Okay, I hear what you’re all saying about shaving! I may not have explained myself well (or perhaps you all think I’m wrong anyway, which is perfectly fine!).
I think there’s a difference between shaving/trimming around the actual genitals where there’s oral sex, and shaving EVERYTHING so that from the front there’s no hair. Obviously the former makes oral sex much easier and nicer for all involved (and I’ve talked about it before, too!), but the latter isn’t really involved with oral sex much at all. And the simple fact is that it wasn’t even a THING 10-12 years ago. It really wasn’t. You couldn’t go to an esthetician and get a “full wax”, you could really only get a bikini wax.
But now it’s everywhere, and it coincides with the rise of porn.
Now that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily bad; people may choose to get rid of all hair regardless. But it does mean that pornography is impacting our view of beauty, and that’s what I was trying to say. It has changed our culture’s perception of what a beautiful adult woman should look like. And I just find that scary, even if, on an individual level, porn has nothing to do with that.
Does that make sense?
No. It doesn’t make sense at all. Women have been painted and sculpted in imagery/art since the beginning of time without pubic hair. It isn’t something that started 10 years ago. That is simply and probably false. Women have been shaving for hundreds and hundreds of years. It doesn’t make them look like a little girl anymore than a man shaving his face makes him look like a little boy. You essentially are conveying the message to men who like their wives shaved, “you’re a pervert and a child molester”. You would never tell a woman who prefers a clean shaven man that she’s a pervert. It’s a double standard and out of line.
*simply and provably
Thanks for explaining! (I hadn’t read this far down when I left my other comment a few minutes ago.)
“It has changed our culture’s perception of what a beautiful adult woman should look like. And I just find that scary, even if, on an individual level, porn has nothing to do with that.” I can hear your heart in these words. <3 Haven't thought about it enough to say whether I agree or disagree with you, but I can hear your heart, and I appreciate what you were trying to say 🙂
Thank you! 🙂
I totally agree with you, Sheila! I recall when my husband and I purchased our first computer back in 1996 and we went to a search engine and typed in “sex.” We were shocked at how many millions of hits popped up and we clicked on a few. We quickly went from being shocked to disgusted at how many of the links said, “Barely 18” or “Barely Legal.” What was especially disturbing to us was that the consumer had no way of knowing if these females were: (1) over the age of 18 or (2) forced to perform these sex acts. Also disturbing was that even if these females were 18 or older, it was the IDEA that they were barely legal that was being entertained and that’s especially sick. The more the idea is put out there, the more it becomes accepted.
That’s why I also agree with you that the completely hairless look promotes young girls and sex. Complete shaving down there was not prevalent in the 1980s. Trimming, yes. Getting bikini ready, yes, but not the everything-but-the-landing-strip look. It is so common now that I’ve read where some men and women prefer only this look and are repulsed by any hair at all because they’ve been taught through porn what they should look like as well as how they should behave during sex.
Speaking of which, there was a fairly recent article written by a popular female author/journalist who’d interviewed college students, both male and female. These young people had been exposed to more sex/porn earlier than any other generation and were more willing to engage in dangerous behavior at college parties with people they didn’t even know. This included anal sex. Imagine engaging in drunken anal sex with a hook up! The people this author interviewed indicated that because of their early porn exposure, they thought this was how they were supposed to behave sexually. They’d also been taught that anal sex wasn’t really sex so it didn’t count. Wow! Not surprisingly, some of these women shared that they’d been injured during such an encounter.
Anyway, there have been a few times where my husband requested the completely shaved look and I complied although I really hated it because I felt like an overgrown girl. I certainly didn’t feel very womanly. It’s just not my thing. It wasn’t until I requested the same from him one time that he realized how much he hated it (and how uncomfortable it could be)!
There’s a lot more I could add about how dangerous porn is, but I’ll just say that I believe when porn enters the picture, there has already been a breakdown or lack of reverence in the sexual relationship … or maybe the relationship in general. Instead of focusing on each other, the focus is elsewhere and it never promotes oneness. It only has the potential to destroy oneness. Porn also never truly satisfies. It’s like a void that can never be filled and requires more and more extreme exposure to get the same thrill.
Hi Elena,
Thanks so much for your post! I’ve seen studies like the one you referenced too–there was a really scary study in the UK as well done of porn addicts under the age of 13. Truly awful.
But it does change what people come to expect with sex. So sad, and so needless, if only people understood.
About that article, what I found really interesting was some of the commenters who made assumptions about the author. She was called “uptight,” “frigid,” “fundamentalist” and a “Bible beater” when in fact, she is quite liberal and isn’t a Christian at all. She’s well known for her liberal views. I just found it refreshing that with her background, she was willing to admit that porn can be dangerous. In a politically correct world, not many are willing to do that.
I know! It’s like anyone who takes a stand against porn is automatically seen as uptight. But I do believe that secular research is beginning to see the huge problems with porn, and even Hollywood movies are starting to talk about it.
Sheila, is oral sex right, dont you think is awkward. Should a christian be sucking the private part of his wife, and should the woman practice it, i mean suck her husband? Is it hygienic?
I think if you’re clean it is. And I do believe that it’s also mentioned in the Song of Solomon–2:3 (his fruit is sweet to my taste.). Personally, I don’t think there’s anything in the Bible that prohibits it, and I do believe that the marriage bed is holy. God gave us our bodies, and there aren’t any particular parts that are less holy than others, and there’s nothing that makes oral sex dangerous (unlike anal sex).
That said, I would never suggest pressuring anyone to do it, and it also doesn’t have to be “the whole thing”–as in you can use it for foreplay and not for climax if women especially are uncomfortable with that. But that’s just my opinion!
I don’t think anal sex is dangerous if you do it with your husband and he is very careful and mindful. It doesn’t hurt and it is very enjoyable for both. I also don’t think it is wrong before God.
I guess I fail to see how anyone could argue that porn increases intimacy. Pleasure? Sure. At least temporarily. But intimacy? No way. Entirely damaging, and actually breaks intimacy. Any time another person enters the bedroom (even if it’s “only” on a screen or even if only in the mind!) it destroys intimacy, not builds it. I can speak from experience that once you kick others out of the bedroom–even if only imagined–you will immediately feel the difference. I was convicted by your book that I was dissociating, even though I just thought it was a sexy fantasy in my mind. I vaguely knew it was wrong, but putting a name to it forced my hand and I knew I had to deal with it. The very next time my hubby and I had sex and I followed your suggestions with how to stay present and we actually were making eye contact as I reached orgasm. It was so raw and scary that I started crying! A good cry though, because for the very first time I felt completely seen and vulnerable yet accepted, a vulnerability I had not known before when I was picturing something else in my head. It was so completely POWERFUL that I knew immediately that this is what making love is. It was the first time we made love in years, even if there had been plenty of sex.
The thing is, those images from porn, even if mutually agreed upon, stay in your head. I don’t know how you could NOT dissociate with those images in your head. How does it build intimacy if you have thoughts of other people popping up in your mind the entire time? What woman is totally cool with the thought of their husband picturing having sex with someone else while having sex with you?? How can you even argue that that is godly and not lust?? Or even if you aren’t a Christian, are you really okay with your husband imagining you are someone else?? OUCH! That is so incredibly hurtful in my opinion. And speaking from my own guilt, it is so damaging to your relationship and it sells sex short. It really does. Don’t kid yourself. Porn is never okay. Ever.
As to the shaving, I personally can’t stand the hair. It feels much cleaner to me to be smooth. I think sex in marriage has been cheapened more and more even among Christian marriages. It seems all about : make sure you look good for him, wear flattering clothes and makeup, jump him every chance you get… So on and so forth. Where’s the “make love” not just copulate? So many of us are tired of just having sex (even those of us who don’t get it very often) and long for more. Sure I can have sex with my husband and it feels good but are we missing out on more? I think the couples asking about watching porn are at least reaching for more together not separately. And what about “better sex videos”? The ones that are supposed to be for educational purposes not porn? I’m 35, not Christian but been going to church, and have a very, um, colorful background, so very little bothers me.
Angie actually has a very good question:
We Christian evangelicals commonly associate pornography with stereotypical titles and styles like “Debbie Does Dallas” or “Deep Throat” — or even genres that are growing like wildfire in the culture right now like female porn and women’s erotica. However, because porn embodies such a huge spectrum of so many possible styles and genres, it often defies description because it is largely in the perception of the viewer (or commenter). The term is maddening to define because if one thinks that something is “porn”, then it is in their minds. If one is thinks that a particular medium is not porn, then it is not for them.
Take, for instance, the Better Sex series by the Sinclair Institute that Angie is referencing:
The Sinclair Institute doesn’t even describe or characterize their teaching material and videos as porn or even “educational porn” and would recoil at the insinuation. They describe it as sexual education which is aesthetically and substantively far different than material that is solely designed to salaciously excite or titillate.
How do we make perceptual distinctions about sexual mediums without lumping everything into the “porn basket”?
I see what you’re saying, Ed, but I don’t find it that difficult. Anything that you would watch whose primary purpose is to arouse is pornography. And many movies would fall into that category. It’s not right to be aroused by someone else; it isn’t right to watch someone other than your spouse who is naked; it isn’t right to watch two people do what they shouldn’t be doing.
I think sometimes we want to narrow the definition so that we have justification to watch it–“oh, it’s just educational”, or “oh, it’s just two people together and they’re not doing anything weird”–but it’s still wrong. It just is. And once you go down a road, it’s pretty hard to stop.
Thanks for your response Sheila, however, it prompts another question in my mind:
You mentioned that there are many movies in which the primary purpose is to arouse and thus, is porn.
Could you point out five or six examples of commercial, mainstream movies that you would consider to be porn?
I don’t know–off the top of my head, Game of Thrones, Basic Instinct, 9 1/2 Weeks. I’m just wondering why this is such a big deal, though? People do KNOW instinctually when what they’re watching is wrong. The Holy Spirit will convict them, if they know God. The problem is that we try to silence the Holy Spirit because we try to rationalize it. I’m just afraid this conversation thread is about rationalizing things that we do know are wrong.
Maybe a better question isn’t, “How far can I go before it’s wrong?”, but rather, “How can I glorify God and my marriage in how I choose to spend my free time and what I choose to watch?” Instead of asking, “how close to the line can I get?”, let’s stop focusing on the line and start focusing on God. Then this conversation would really be irrelevant.
I know that it’s not your intention Sheila but conflating Basic Instinct, Games of Thrones, “Debbie Does Dallas” and the Better Sex Series all into the same genre bucket, strikes me as a tad bit legalistic — don’t you think?
How about The Titanic or Schindler’s List?
Ed, I think people know when what they’re watching is wrong. And I still feel that what you’re doing is saying, “how close to the line can I go before it’s wrong?” I just think that’s the wrong question.
Or let me put it this way: telling a white lie, gossip, pride, and murder. Are they are wrong? Yep. But just because a white lie isn’t as bad as murder doesn’t mean we should do it, does it?
Let’s just try to glorify God, and I think the rest of the questions are really unnecessary.
While it wasn’t necessary to show, the nudity of the concentration camp victims in Schindler’s List isn’t the same as the graphic sex scenes in Game of Thrones. Video taping a baby being born isn’t porn. A mother nursing isn’t exhibitionism. Inserting a catheter into a patient isn’t sexual. It is LEWDNESS and LUST that is wrong. These movies and shows deliberately exploit lewdness, and women in particular, for profits and attraction. It is pretty much a form of prostitution.
Watching the nude slaves endure torture in death in Amistad ought to bring up feelings of saddness at the reality of the atrocities, not lust. Again, while it was unnecessary to show, it was portraying a very sad reality, not deliberately being lewd. There is absolutely NO reason for the nudity and graphic porn-like sex of Game of Thrones and a LOT of people are using such shows to “get away with” watching what they ought not.
As for educational videos, there are resources available to learn without the porn. My hubby had a Kama Sutra book for years with nudity and sex in it. But we NEVER used it for ideas for sex. It was just “acceptable, excusable porn”.
I trim down there but I don’t shave it bare. Too much work and it’s really itchy when it grows back in. If it’s bothersome to my husband,he’s never said anything. I don’t like his facial hair and have said something but he insists on keeping it. The trade-off. I don’t kiss him other than a quick peck on the lips because those hairs poke my lips and there’s nothing sexy or romantic about feeling pain.
Same here: trimming not shaving because the hair growing back makes me crazy!
I definitely prefer to shave, although I wouldn’t allow someone to wax me. Hubby and I both get more enjoyment out of me being smooth for sex. Also I feel so much cleaner, especially during my period.
Great post Sheila. Thank you for using your platform to address these issues.
If someone is using porn in their marriage or is considering to use it,one should ask oneself why. I know that porn is sometimes used as an anecdote for other deeper challenges in the relationship(fear, self consciousness, poor communication).
Some people choose to watch porn with their spouse as a compromise, having failed “to stop their spouse” from watching it alone. Others watch it because they think it might revive/spice up their struggling sex life. The thing about porn is that it is addictive and one should consider that repercussion. You might reach a point where you cannot get turned on by your spouse without the aid of porn; either in actively watching or visualising it. It is true that you are welcoming someone else into your marriage when you watch it.
You’ve brought to light some pertinent points that I can use when talking about the subject even with non-Christians. Thanks again.
Glad you liked it! I think that’s a great point, too: Often people use it because their spouse talks them into it, and they don’t want the spouse to do it alone. I’ve heard from so many women in this situation, and they always regret it. It’s just such a bad idea all round, and I hope this gave post gave people some ammunition so they can say no.
I really need some advice as well please! two weeks ago I have noticed my husband was suddenly locking the bathroom door and spends over an hour a day in there usually he would never lock the door and I became suspicious. so I looked up our browser history on his smart phone and it had shown where it has searched for porn twice! I confronted him about it and showed him the Times and date it showed he rd me that he would never do anything like that and although he cannot explain why it was searched on his phone I should no how he feels about that by now. he ever promised God and myself he would never do that. so I said ok. but ever Sence then I have had such a hard time being around him or affectionate towards him. I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with our second child and seeing something in his phone like that has made me feel so betrayed and ugly that he has to look at other things to find pleasure because I am no longer attractive to him. but he continues to deny doing it and even became upset with me for continuing to accuse him of it. we are both devout Christians and I would have never thought he would or even could do something like that because we both talked about pornography being a sinful perversion long ago. Ever seance then which was November 16th he has not shown any affection towards me at all. usually he is touchy feely,hugs me and tells me he loves multiple times a day and kisses me whenever he leaves the room and now he barely has a conversation with me in a day. I feel so broken hearted because he has ways been a wonderful daddy and husband and now I feel like he’s lying to me ans no longer finds me desirable. I feel like I have a room mate instead of a husband and I want to just scream and cry at him but he demands he has done no wrong and would never bring porn into our home. ever sence our confrontation we have not talked about it sence and he is completely different towards me and I have been the same to him as well what do I do as a Christian wife and mother in a situation like this? any advice would be greatly appreciated!
I have been thinking about this post for a while, and, funny thing, something like this came up in discussion between my hubby and myself. The way I explained it to my husband is the way he was leaning too. I used to watch porn with my hubby or let him watch it by himself. I thought it was the perfect kinda catch all. I got to relax while he got “taken care of”. Then I began to notice a lot of little things with the biggest thing being we were disconnected, emotionally and intimately. I did not have to put out the effort because there was always porn, and my hubby thought he did not have to put out any effort because I wanted to be left alone. This created a huge intimacy gap, which then led to troubles between my husband and I. We stopped any type of porn in our house and have not looked back. My husband and I have become more bonded in the way he understands (sexual relationship), and the way I understand (emotional intimacy). Our sex life has even gotten better! This was wonderful for us!
How wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing!
Sheila
If you get time please can you explain what the difference between addiction, and not is. I am not seeking to justify anyything here. Indeed I would say folk that have an addiction have far more excuse. But in my case I am thinking my husband is not addicted. And although this might sound like great news, between us now we need to find a path that works. He is saying he wants rid of the TV. He is saying he does not trust the censors, not even the 12, G and U certification. He is saying they have lied in the past saying stuff was suitabled for 15 year olds and so on. He is not happy. We are also having to discuss other areas of our lives too ie I watch dancing etc on youtube. I dont find it offensive, but now that this has all come to light, I am wondering what would be the honorable way to progress with this? And there are just other ways in which this nonsense comes in. We are talking, thank goodness and we are working to get rid of as much of this nightmare as we can. I know that you have mentioned elsewhere that it is not about how much we can get away with but much more to do with how we honor God. Is zero tolerance too extreme. Right now this is what my hubbie wants. He is saying this almost destroyed his wife, marriage and family and he is saying the value of this junk is zero, minus zero. He is saying it all has to go. But this is not humanly possible. We spoke a little more on it last night and I did say I dont know what is or is not appropriate now, since it is impossible to say what will trigger my jealously off. I said comedy and music stuff does not usually upset me, but at any moment something could. He is not going to be able to watch espionage, his favourite genre because of this. He just says, ask me if I am bothered??? But this is where we are at. And I m really struggling to figure out where to go with all this. Also, although I am certain he is not addicted, he did watch it and it was very inappropriate. He has repented and I can see his repentance in genuine but the very fact that he has taken this beyond what is OK makes me wonder a very lot about what is really going on. I know I am fortunate, if I am right, but how do we take care of each other so as not to be carrying all this on forever. And to not have things going on that are going to bring all that suffering back………………I have told my husband I am posting here!!!!
Love Joanne
Nice and very straight talk. Just discovered your blog and I like it. It’s nice to know there are writers like you who are not afraid to speak the truth.
*hugs*
This particular blog reveals a very interesting insight:
Porn is whatever someone thinks that it is because it lacks a universally accepted definition even amongst Christian. Some people will even include non-sexual nudity depicted in films and videos on sexual instruction and anatomy as being porn.
If the definition of porn is showing people (married and unmarried) having sex with each other (or implying it), then a majority of romance movies and rom-coms are porn. This would definitely include movies like Fifty Shades of Grey and Magic Mike and Magic Mike XXL.
The female viewership of Fifty Shades of Grey on it opening night was 69% female and the fourth highest grossing film of 2015. The movie has earned over $569 million worldwide:
http://variety.com/2015/film/news/box-office-fifty-shades-of-grey-explodes-with-record-breaking-81-7-million-1201434486/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifty_Shades_of_Grey_(film)
Now, it looks like two more films are coming out in 2017 and 2018, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed.
Question:
Did the 70% of the female viewership of 50 Shades of Grey actually watch pornography?
Absolutely, Ed, and I’ve covered both Magic Mike and 50 Shades of Grey at length on this blog.
Right, I think that you and some other marriage bloggers had coined a term for it: “mommy porn” — or something like that.
You’ve stipulated in this blog post that you consider porn (however you define it) to be like adultery.
So, have the married women in America and Canada who have watched the 50 Shades of Grey movie committed adultery?
Ed, I’m just really not sure where this questioning is coming from. It sounds quite antagonistic, really, along with the other comments, some of which I’ve deleted.
I’ve been quite open and consistent with this–porn is like cheating. That doesn’t mean you have a license to divorce. An occasional lapse is quite different from an ongoing habit. And if someone is working on it that’s entirely different from someone who is not.
And I’ve said that these books and novels are the same thing.
I’m not quite sure what you’re hoping to gain, but I’m quite consistent: using something else other than your spouse to get aroused is not right. You can’t justify it, and I sense in your comments that you’re trying to get me to justify a guy using porn because women do too or something? It’s simply wrong.
Thanks for sharing these valuable thoughts, Sheila! I totally agree with you on everything you just mentioned. I especially agree with you about how the porn industry actually encourages trafficking of young girls from poverty-stricken countries. Some of the accounts of such victims were very traumatizing for me to just read so I can’t imagine the trauma they must be feeling for an eternity. Thank you for speaking up against porn and I hope more people learn from this.
Ok so I’m gonna going to share a little of my story only because I want to defend what Sheila is trying to say about porn altering our perception of beauty/attractiveness. Also I grew up in Las Vegas and live there till I was 30 and just recently moved so I have seen a lot of people in the sex in the sex industry… for example…
Seeing them at the gym and talking to them … anyway Many women in this industry are physically altered with breast implants and now increasingly butt implants. I was married to a man in Las Vegas and I was only in my 20s (he was 15 years older) and I’m not trying to brag but I got hit on a lot so I don’t think it was because I was unattractive but my husband literally stopped having sex with me within the first six months of us being married . I was horrified. I was in my 20s and in great shape I worked out every day and even shaved my nether regions… Anyway about three months into the marriage I could tell he was pulling away and he asked me to get breast implants at first I told him no absolutely not . As time went on I knew he was using porn and choosing to masturbate over having sex with me so I caved in and got the implants… it was exciting for him for maybe a couple of weeks and things went back to the way they were before with him preferring pornography to me. Anyway I think this is a great example of what she is trying to say that porn alters what people desire. Needless to say we are not married anymore and I have had my breast implants taken out but what an awe full thing to have to live thru
Oh, Kristen, I’m so sorry. But thank you for sharing! And, yes, that is heartbreaking.
I want it more and he seems not to want it at all he also has low testosterone now married 17yrs