One of the most fun parts of my Girl Talk presentation–when I go into churches and talk about marriage, sex, and intimacy–is the anonymous Q&A when I answer people’s embarrassing questions about sex–questions they’ve had for ages, but have never been able to ask.
This month I was in Raeford, North Carolina, at RockFish Church, with a great crowd of about 200 women. And boy did they have a lot of questions about sex! I got through as many as I could, but there were about 10 left over at the end of the night that I didn’t have time for.
The interesting thing about these Q&A sessions is that the same questions about sex pop up again and again. So we all really wonder the same things. So I thought that today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I’d answer those 10 leftover questions by sending you all to some of the posts I’ve written on the different topics. So here we go!
1. Is it right for a Christian to practice different styles and positions of sex?
It’s not only right, it’s good! We have freedom to enjoy sex and God created it and WANTS us to! It’s not like one position is necessarily holier than another, and in fact, many women find that positions OTHER than the missionary position are more likely to help them reach orgasm (especially being on top, since you can control the angle a little bit better).
I think people have this idea that God thinks that most things that are highly exciting must therefore be sinful. They know God wants us to have sex, but the only way to do it is the most boring way possible.
But why do we associate boredom and lack of pleasure with holiness? Why not instead aim to have a pure, holy and HOT marriage! After all, God made us to be passionate, and when we’re really in the throes of passion, we lose inhibition. That’s how we’re created. That’s what’s supposed to happen. We’re supposed to get a little bit (or a lot) out of control. And you can’t be out of control if you’re always worried about being proper.
2. Is Oral Sex Okay?
And here’s another question about oral sex on similar lines: Since having kids I feel very uncomfortable giving oral sex, not sure why, but I have said on occasion, “You don’t get it, I kiss my kids with that mouth!” Somehow it got creepy for me.
I actually left this general answer in the comments yesterday in response to a similar question:
And I do believe that it’s also mentioned in the Song of Solomon–2:3 (his fruit is sweet to my taste.). Personally, I don’t think there’s anything in the Bible that prohibits it, and I do believe that the marriage bed is holy. God gave us our bodies, and there aren’t any particular parts that are less holy than others, and there’s nothing that makes oral sex dangerous (unlike anal sex).
That said, I would never suggest pressuring anyone to do it, and it also doesn’t have to be “the whole thing”–as in you can use it for foreplay and not for climax if women especially are uncomfortable with that. But that’s just my opinion!
As for being creeped out by it now that you’re a mom, I think this has less to do with oral sex and more to do with how you see yourself (and sex) now that you’re a mom.
I think we need to get away from this idea that “good girls” don’t do “wild and crazy things”–and that somehow doing something that’s super personal and really pleasurable is now odd since I’m a mom.
Now that you’re a mom, what your kids need most is to feel like the marriage is rock solid.
And now that you’re a mom, you need that feeling like, “I’m super close to my husband, we have great sex, and it helps me escape from mommyhood.” Being a mom is not all you are!
However, there are also hormonal changes when we’re breastfeeding that can make our libidos much lower, and when they are lower we’re less likely to experiment, and that can be going on here.
More resources for this sex question:
Sex When Your Hormones are Out of Whack
3. What do you do when you haven’t had sex in 8yrs, I don’t desire it and he never tries. He now drinks every night, could this be because we used to have great sex?
It absolutely could. I’d like to do know WHY you haven’t had sex in eight years–is it just because you don’t desire it, so you’ve thought, “unless he initiates I’m off the hook”? That’s really wrong. Sex isn’t an optional part of marriage.
And when a woman refuses sex consistently, a guy will often stop asking and will withdraw (in this case into alcohol).
More resources for this sex question:
When Your Husband Never Initiates Sex
How Do You Reset Your Sex Life?
Rebuilding Your Sex Life After Years of Refusing Sex
4. How do you squirt?
I’m going to let my friend Julie from Intimacy in Marriage handle this sex question! She wrote about female ejaculation recently.
5. Hubby and I are dealing with his major infidelity, both in therapy. I still have a desire for him, but he’s still reeling. What’s healthy? We are in separate bedrooms while he is learning more about his sexual addiction. I want to be patient and steadfast, caring and love him like God does.
First, that’s so wonderful that you’re rebuilding! It’s beautiful when God takes something that was broken and then reworks it into something lovely, and He can do that with you.
I think staying separate for a while is likely a good idea. The problem with rushing sex is that it can mean you take a short-cut through the healing process, because sex gives this sense of intimacy. And we can be quick to want to get back in bed to prove that we’re okay, when really what you need is to break down the walls of communcation between you and get to deeper levels of emotional intimacy.
Seeing a counselor is so important at this time, and a counselor can likely help you figure out when to rebuild your sex life.
More resources that can help with this sex question:
Books on Dealing with Affairs in Marriage
Getting to Deeper Levels of Communication with Your Spouse
Discovering Your Husband is Having an Affair
6. Is mutual masturbation a sin?
Nope! In fact, it can be a fun addition to your sex life, and it can help you both understand a little bit better what turns you on!
Masturbation becomes a problem when it’s done in secret, when it steals sexual energy from the spouse, or when it replaces intercourse altogether (or mostly). But pleasuring each other, or being together like that, isn’t wrong. It’s just other ways to have fun!
More resources that can help with this question about sex:
Is Masturbation in Marriage a Sin?
7. How can I discourage my husband from asking for anal sex all the time. I’m NOT doing it.
You’re very wise, because anal sex isn’t like vaginal sex. The anus and vagina are anatomically totally different, and it isn’t healthy. And much of the desire for it has been fuelled by porn, so that makes me nervous. I don’t believe it’s sinful, but I do believe that it falls under the heading, “Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.”
More resources to help with this question about sex:
The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (I explain in detail why anal sex isn’t the same as other intercourse)
Deciding Your Boundaries in the Bedroom
Is Sexual Selfishness Robbing Your Marriage of Intimacy?
Top 10 Sexual Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore
8. How do I get hubby to try new things? He is super old fashioned.
A few quick thoughts: Have a conversation about it. Ask to have “his nights” and “her nights” on different Saturdays, and on your night you agree to do what you want to do, and on his nights you do what he wants to do, and the other nights of the month are just regular.
Work through a book together, like 31 Days to Great Sex, which builds on each challenge and has specific lessons that really aren’t intimidating if you go through it slowly. Sometimes having it written down gives you permission and it doesn’t feel so odd.
You be the one to initiate so that you can control the pace and position better.
More resources for this sex question:
9. What do you do when sex feels like a chore? We just have busy lives.
You need to think about it differently! And put more priority on it. If it’s always something you do as an after thought, because you have to, when you’re just trying to get everything else done, then it’s not going to be fun. It it is going to feel like a chore.
More resources to help with this sex question:
Getting Over Thinking of Sex as a Chore
Top 10 Ways to Stop Being Too Tired to Have Sex
Top 10 Positive Things to Tell Yourself About Sex
How to Spice Things Up in the Bedroom (this one applies here, too!)
Sexy Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband (put some effort in at Christmas to show him that in the New Year you want things to be different!)
10. How do I make my husband feel like I am putting him first when there are certain tasks in the evening that I have to complete in order to fully concentrate on him?
Tell him! Talk to him and say, “if I get this stuff done I’ll be able to give myself fully to you tonight!” And then follow through. But explain to him how women’s brains work: when we’re distracted by our to-do lists, it’s hard to concentrate on sex, but if we can take care of our distractions, sex is much more fun!
And having a quickie earlier in the evening, every now and then, just adds some excitement and tells him, “I really do care about you!”
Still have more questions about sex? The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex has everything you wanted to know about how God made sex, why He made it the way He did, and how to make it great. It’s divided into three parts: the physical aspect of sex, the emotional aspect of sex, and the spiritual aspect of sex. And the book tells you how to make your marriage ROCK in each of these three areas, and then what to do if there are specific problems.
Don’t miss this great resource!
Whew. There. I think I got through all the questions about sex!
Remember, you can bring Girl Talk to your church–where I’ll give my talk about sex and marriage, and then I’ll answer your questions, too, in a tasteful way (don’t worry!). See my schedule here, and you can always email my assistant Tammy to see when I’ll be in your area!