One of the most fun parts of my Girl Talk presentation–when I go into churches and talk about marriage, sex, and intimacy–is the anonymous Q&A when I answer people’s embarrassing questions about sex–questions they’ve had for ages, but have never been able to ask.
This month I was in Raeford, North Carolina, at RockFish Church, with a great crowd of about 200 women. And boy did they have a lot of questions about sex! I got through as many as I could, but there were about 10 left over at the end of the night that I didn’t have time for.
The interesting thing about these Q&A sessions is that the same questions about sex pop up again and again. So we all really wonder the same things. So I thought that today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I’d answer those 10 leftover questions by sending you all to some of the posts I’ve written on the different topics. So here we go!
1. Is it right for a Christian to practice different styles and positions of sex?
It’s not only right, it’s good! We have freedom to enjoy sex and God created it and WANTS us to! It’s not like one position is necessarily holier than another, and in fact, many women find that positions OTHER than the missionary position are more likely to help them reach orgasm (especially being on top, since you can control the angle a little bit better).
I think people have this idea that God thinks that most things that are highly exciting must therefore be sinful. They know God wants us to have sex, but the only way to do it is the most boring way possible.
But why do we associate boredom and lack of pleasure with holiness? Why not instead aim to have a pure, holy and HOT marriage! After all, God made us to be passionate, and when we’re really in the throes of passion, we lose inhibition. That’s how we’re created. That’s what’s supposed to happen. We’re supposed to get a little bit (or a lot) out of control. And you can’t be out of control if you’re always worried about being proper.
More resources for this sex question:
Why You Can’t Be a Control Freak in the Bedroom
31 Days to Great Sex (there are challenges on how to try new positions!)
2. Is Oral Sex Okay?
And here’s another question about oral sex on similar lines: Since having kids I feel very uncomfortable giving oral sex, not sure why, but I have said on occasion, “You don’t get it, I kiss my kids with that mouth!” Somehow it got creepy for me.
I actually left this general answer in the comments yesterday in response to a similar question:
And I do believe that it’s also mentioned in the Song of Solomon–2:3 (his fruit is sweet to my taste.). Personally, I don’t think there’s anything in the Bible that prohibits it, and I do believe that the marriage bed is holy. God gave us our bodies, and there aren’t any particular parts that are less holy than others, and there’s nothing that makes oral sex dangerous (unlike anal sex).
That said, I would never suggest pressuring anyone to do it, and it also doesn’t have to be “the whole thing”–as in you can use it for foreplay and not for climax if women especially are uncomfortable with that. But that’s just my opinion!
As for being creeped out by it now that you’re a mom, I think this has less to do with oral sex and more to do with how you see yourself (and sex) now that you’re a mom.
I think we need to get away from this idea that “good girls” don’t do “wild and crazy things”–and that somehow doing something that’s super personal and really pleasurable is now odd since I’m a mom.
Now that you’re a mom, what your kids need most is to feel like the marriage is rock solid.
And now that you’re a mom, you need that feeling like, “I’m super close to my husband, we have great sex, and it helps me escape from mommyhood.” Being a mom is not all you are!
However, there are also hormonal changes when we’re breastfeeding that can make our libidos much lower, and when they are lower we’re less likely to experiment, and that can be going on here.
More resources for this sex question:
Sex When Your Hormones are Out of Whack
3. What do you do when you haven’t had sex in 8yrs, I don’t desire it and he never tries. He now drinks every night, could this be because we used to have great sex?
It absolutely could. I’d like to do know WHY you haven’t had sex in eight years–is it just because you don’t desire it, so you’ve thought, “unless he initiates I’m off the hook”? That’s really wrong. Sex isn’t an optional part of marriage.
And when a woman refuses sex consistently, a guy will often stop asking and will withdraw (in this case into alcohol).
More resources for this sex question:
When Your Husband Never Initiates Sex
How Do You Reset Your Sex Life?
Rebuilding Your Sex Life After Years of Refusing Sex
4. How do you squirt?
I’m going to let my friend Julie from Intimacy in Marriage handle this sex question! She wrote about female ejaculation recently.
Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot
5. Hubby and I are dealing with his major infidelity, both in therapy. I still have a desire for him, but he’s still reeling. What’s healthy? We are in separate bedrooms while he is learning more about his sexual addiction. I want to be patient and steadfast, caring and love him like God does.
First, that’s so wonderful that you’re rebuilding! It’s beautiful when God takes something that was broken and then reworks it into something lovely, and He can do that with you.
I think staying separate for a while is likely a good idea. The problem with rushing sex is that it can mean you take a short-cut through the healing process, because sex gives this sense of intimacy. And we can be quick to want to get back in bed to prove that we’re okay, when really what you need is to break down the walls of communcation between you and get to deeper levels of emotional intimacy.
Seeing a counselor is so important at this time, and a counselor can likely help you figure out when to rebuild your sex life.
More resources that can help with this sex question:
Books on Dealing with Affairs in Marriage
Getting to Deeper Levels of Communication with Your Spouse
Discovering Your Husband is Having an Affair
6. Is mutual masturbation a sin?
Nope! In fact, it can be a fun addition to your sex life, and it can help you both understand a little bit better what turns you on!
Masturbation becomes a problem when it’s done in secret, when it steals sexual energy from the spouse, or when it replaces intercourse altogether (or mostly). But pleasuring each other, or being together like that, isn’t wrong. It’s just other ways to have fun!
More resources that can help with this question about sex:
Is Masturbation in Marriage a Sin?
7. How can I discourage my husband from asking for anal sex all the time. I’m NOT doing it.
You’re very wise, because anal sex isn’t like vaginal sex. The anus and vagina are anatomically totally different, and it isn’t healthy. And much of the desire for it has been fuelled by porn, so that makes me nervous. I don’t believe it’s sinful, but I do believe that it falls under the heading, “Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.”
More resources to help with this question about sex:
The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (I explain in detail why anal sex isn’t the same as other intercourse)
Deciding Your Boundaries in the Bedroom
Is Sexual Selfishness Robbing Your Marriage of Intimacy?
Top 10 Sexual Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore
8. How do I get hubby to try new things? He is super old fashioned.
A few quick thoughts: Have a conversation about it. Ask to have “his nights” and “her nights” on different Saturdays, and on your night you agree to do what you want to do, and on his nights you do what he wants to do, and the other nights of the month are just regular.
Work through a book together, like 31 Days to Great Sex, which builds on each challenge and has specific lessons that really aren’t intimidating if you go through it slowly. Sometimes having it written down gives you permission and it doesn’t feel so odd.
You be the one to initiate so that you can control the pace and position better.
More resources for this sex question:
31 Days to Great Sex
24 Sexy Dares for Couples
How to Spice Things Up in the Bedroom
9. What do you do when sex feels like a chore? We just have busy lives.
You need to think about it differently! And put more priority on it. If it’s always something you do as an after thought, because you have to, when you’re just trying to get everything else done, then it’s not going to be fun. It it is going to feel like a chore.
More resources to help with this sex question:
Getting Over Thinking of Sex as a Chore
Top 10 Ways to Stop Being Too Tired to Have Sex
Top 10 Positive Things to Tell Yourself About Sex
How to Spice Things Up in the Bedroom (this one applies here, too!)
Sexy Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband (put some effort in at Christmas to show him that in the New Year you want things to be different!)
10. How do I make my husband feel like I am putting him first when there are certain tasks in the evening that I have to complete in order to fully concentrate on him?
Tell him! Talk to him and say, “if I get this stuff done I’ll be able to give myself fully to you tonight!” And then follow through. But explain to him how women’s brains work: when we’re distracted by our to-do lists, it’s hard to concentrate on sex, but if we can take care of our distractions, sex is much more fun!
And having a quickie earlier in the evening, every now and then, just adds some excitement and tells him, “I really do care about you!”
More resources to help with this sex question:
Quickies Can Be Fun!
How to Get Your Head in the Game
Still have more questions about sex? The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex has everything you wanted to know about how God made sex, why He made it the way He did, and how to make it great. It’s divided into three parts: the physical aspect of sex, the emotional aspect of sex, and the spiritual aspect of sex. And the book tells you how to make your marriage ROCK in each of these three areas, and then what to do if there are specific problems.
Don’t miss this great resource!
Whew. There. I think I got through all the questions about sex!
Remember, you can bring Girl Talk to your church–where I’ll give my talk about sex and marriage, and then I’ll answer your questions, too, in a tasteful way (don’t worry!). See my schedule here, and you can always email my assistant Tammy to see when I’ll be in your area!
Have any other questions about sex you’d like to ask? Leave them in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Awesome answers. Still so sad that I missed it! Sigh. I saw you weren’t coming back this way again. 🙁 too bad.
Thanks, Keelie! I’m sad you missed it, too. I will be in Columbia, South Carolina, on April 1, but I don’t know how close that is to you. And I’m open to booking again in North Carolina later in April for our trek home with the RV!
I’d love to see you come through the Asheville, NC, area!!!
Oh, Katie and I were just in Asheville recently, and stopped at Biltmore Estates! So amazing–with the wedding dresses from the movies! I’d love to come in April if your church will have me!
Regarding number 6, for Catholics, that is a no go. Along with no birth control, the only big intimacy rule is everything is permissible, as long as the man’s orgasm happens within the woman’s vagina, so that conception is not prevented. I know this is not a Catholic blog, but I hope you don’t mind me mentioning that difference.
I absolutely don’t mind! Thanks for your comment.
I read the entire Q & A session and it’s unusual for me to agree with everything you have said. All I could add is about anal sex. Since our skin has pores and openings that feces’ viruses/bacteria can can use to invade the body hence blood system, this is another reason to absolutely avoid it. I believe that it is also spurred on by Porn. And I further believe it verges on perversion. You are right in that the anus was not meant for penetration and no-one in their right minds, even ancient Greeks who practiced this so I hear, should deny this. Thank you for being an enlightened woman because sooooooooooooo many middle aged women have lost their libido and make it clear on no uncertain terms that IF they enter a relationship, don’t bother me with Sex? Are they kidding? Even many Cougars are really after controlling their younger men, which is extremely unhealthy whereas older men with younger women, are at least desiring their physical beauty. Oh, diet plays a HUGE factor in increasing hormones thus libido so I’d suggest that women trim down lots of the excess since it is an epidemic. For example, if Oprah can exercise her mouth by saying “just love who you are the way you are”, she isn’t married nor have a child therefore, she is not doing women a favour by suggesting this.
Again, great article as you speak the Truth and, there would be far fewer separations if ladies follow your advice and NOT get so hung with how much their man makes either, which can be a huge aphrodisiac. A major source of their sexual problem too. Didn’t JC say to Lazareth, “sell all you have and give it to the poor then wlak with me”? When Lazereth replied, “but Master, who could so such a thing”? then left as JC said, “see, it is easier for a camel to thread a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven”. THIS, women must heed to also especially when competing with men for work, and in doing so, more and more are making a higher Income.
Sheila, after reading a Catholic lady’s comment above, I forgot that maybe (don’t wish to be graphic but), swallowing isn’t such as good idea with all the STDs today and, her husband has a point in that the fluids were created for the love making act of genital to genital pleasures plus having children too. So even though I myself have entered into cunnilingus because of my arousal level, and have been a recipient, I wasn’t sure if it was safe to do this. Funny, I recall just holding hands, dancing together, then kissing was so pleasurably exciting. Now it is considered a bore?
The comment about getting STD’s from swallowing semen is typical of why your ministry in the church is so essential.
ONLY if an std is present is there any risk – and that risk is the same through vaginal intercourse or oral sex.
The assumption that two virgins can CREATE an STD is simply illiterate – so thx for speaking up.
Hi..I have a problem that only God knows about. I am now in my second marriage by in my first marriage my husband had a problem/addiction to pornography ,which was introduced into our relationship on different levels not real extreme but enough that it caused damage. Now when my present husband and I are sexual , I always think these fantasies up in my mind during the act so I can reach the point of climax . Its become a habit and when I do this its not about my husband but its also not about a particular man either , they don’t have a face, just a situation. I feel so shameful about this and I want to be free and enjoy sex with my husband as God intended. But that seems to be the only way for me to ” get there “. When I try to focus only on my husband and the moment nothing happens and it takes way too long and so I resort to the other. Help..I’m not sure what to do.:(
That’s so common, Elaine. You’re absolutely not alone! That’s what pornography does to us, and it’s called dissociation. I talk about it a lot in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, so that may help you. But you have to retrain your brain to concentrate on what he’s doing. And it’s hard work to keep yourself focused like that rather than letting your mind wander! But if you ask, “what feels good right now?” and “What wants to be touched?”, constantly, you’ll find that it’s easier for your body to get aroused by what he’s doing rather than through fantasy. But I have a whole lot more about that in the book! That’s really common.
As an unmarried Christian woman, I am curious to know whether the adage is true that all men masturbate, even Christian young men committed to purity. I’ve heard that even in that case, some men will do it in order to “relieve sexual tension” (without porn or sexual fantasies). Isn’t that unnecessary because of nocturnal emissions? Also, wouldn’t the ability to relieve sexual tension in this way before marriage reduce the specialness of being able to do it within marriage.
I’m sorry if this is the wrong place to ask this question. It is just something that really concerns me (although maybe it shouldn’t), as my longterm boyfriend and I are now considering marriage, but I do not know if it is appropriate to ask him these questions or not.
Thank you in advance if you are able to answer my questions.
KC, my experience is that most young men struggle with it and do it–occasionally (as do many women, by the way). But that’s very different from compulsively masturbating everyday. And I do think that if it’s occasional and it’s not done with porn, etc., it really won’t be much of a problem going into marriage (that’s not to say that masturbation is A-okay, only that there really is a difference between someone who is compulsively self-satisfying and has made sex a selfish experience and someone who is really struggling and wants to remain pure.
And I also think it’s absolutely fine–and in fact a very good idea–to discuss these things before you get married (or engaged!) :).
I will be getting married in 2 months. We have decided to wait on even kissing until we say “I do”. Naturally my sex drive is almost bursting. What is your take on masturbation to relieve some sexual tension by myself until we can fulfill each other?
For #10, ask him to help!
I have a question, I am still married to my husband, but we are separated, I am a christian and my question is , Is it still alright for me to be intimate with my even though we are separated. I don’t want to do nothing that would be against God. I sometimes get sexual desires and I don’t know what to do.
Janice, that’s a GREAT question. The truth: I don’t really know. I think in terms of sin/not sin it’s not a sin, but I think in terms of wisdom it may not be wise. There must be a reason that you’re separated–you should likely work on that reason first, because when we make love it can muddy the waters. I hope that you have a counselor to talk to and help you work this out, because addressing the reason behind the separation is really important!
Do you ever come to Canada?? Cause ya should!
I have been married for 3 years and we have had difficulty with intimacy. I was recently diagnosed with vulvodynia and vaginismus and am getting treatment. Our sex life has morphed into me giving blow jobs. I find it boring, hard work, and something I just don’t care for. How do I make this enjoyable and fun for me? I never deny him, but I’ll never volunteer either. I feel like I have the wrong attitude toward it but don’t know how to change. During treatment we are to be abstinent and I’m afraid my sex life will always just consist of me giving oral as I struggle with this condition. Any tips to make this more fun and enjoyable?
Mary, given your health difficulties, perhaps you should let your husband enjoy your thighs. It’s very simple. Lie face-down on the bed and open your thighs (similar to the “starfish position”). Let him mount you, and then close your thighs to clamp his penis. (Be sure that you both “lube up” first. And, putting a towel down on the bed first is a good idea.) Then, let him have a good time between your thighs. For the man, it feels almost the same. For the woman, there is no penetration. That relieves some of your health concerns about pain, etc. And, even though there is no vaginal penetration, you could receive some clitoral stimulation. (Both of you can slightly adjust your position to help that happen. Sometimes, it’s handy to put a big pillow on the bed and then lie on top of it. That will help your angle.) I’m amazed at the number of people that have never heard of thigh f—ing. I’m a man, and I have enjoyed it for many years. Your husband can shoot his cum between your thighs, or anywhere else that you enjoy.
Dear Sheila
Thank you for this! My wife and I have not had sex for 7-8 years so #3 and #9 are very relevant.
David
Is talking dirty bad? For some reason I stopped doing it cuz I feel like this wrong. My husband (witch is a pastor) keeps asking why I stopped doing it. Am I wrong for not doing it?
Nora, there is a problem with the concept of talking “dirty”. Using the word “dirty” implies that sex is bad. But, it is not bad. God created sex to be good. (In fact, in the Genesis account of creation, putting the man and woman together was the first and only thing that is described as being “very” good.) So, rather than thinking of it as “dirty” talk, think of it as “sexy” talk. If you have not read the Song of Solomon (sometimes called the Song of Songs), you should read it entirely. Although the language is poetic and allegorical, it is still quite sexy. (It describes facials, the “necklace of pearls”, giving and receiving oral sex, cumming in each other’s mouths, etc.) As a man, I enjoy the “direct” approach. For example, the only foreplay that I need are two words, and the first word is “let’s”. 😉 There is a LOT that I could say about this topic. But, because women focus more on the thoughts and feelings, consider this. For the first 20 years or so of a man’s upbringing, he is told “no”. So, after marriage, he needs a woman to counteract that by saying “yes”. Really. The word “yes”, by itself, is powerful. Another simple way to show your approval is to say “f–k me” — and really mean it. If you can do those two things, that will help both of you to rediscover the concept that sex is a form of communication. And then, once both of you start communicating your needs — in direct, no-nonsense terms — then each of you will start fulfilling the other’s needs. And, that is what love and sex are all about.
As Christians, is it ok to bring sex toys in the sex life or no??