Expectations about sex can seriously affect our enjoyment of marriage.
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up at the bottom with your own marriage posts.
And today I want to share a personal story and then some things I’ve seen on the web that have got me thinking. I’m hoping that we can all have a good discussion about this, because I’m not completely sure what the answer is.
So let me tell you my story for a bit of background.
Before we got married I picked up a Christian book on sex that was written by a guy. It doesn’t matter which one it was; but let’s just say that it made me a nervous wreck. It was all about how to have an orgasm your first time out, and it explained in detail what he was to do (rub this part 213 times, for instance) and what she was to do (basically nothing, just let him touch you in every way imaginable when it’s all brand new), and I just about died.
I read it in the bathtub, which is where I used to do most of my reading, and I was so upset that I drowned the book. I held it under the water until I was sure it was dead, and then I unceremoniously dumped it in the garbage.
I’m not really sure what I was expecting when it came to sex once we got married, but I can tell you that I wasn’t expecting what happened. It hurt, it was awkward, and it was a huge source of tension for us for years.
We’ve gotten through it, but it was a big letdown.
And so, when I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I was trying to do the opposite of what that book did. I was trying not to say, “this is what you have to do on your wedding night so that it’s amazing” and put so much pressure on nervous brides about what they must do and what they must experience, and just say, “relax, enjoy, and it will get there one day.”
I hope I succeeded. But I’m still not sure the culture and expectations about sex have shifted, and I’m still not sure how to say it in a short, easily understood message.
Then this week I read two articles by friends of mine who blog who looked at this whole question of expectations about sex in two different ways.
“Wait, wait, wait, and it will be great, great, great!”
Julie from Intimacy in Marriage was writing about the 5 lies that Christians believe about sex, and this was one of them. She says:
There are young people who hold up their end of the biblical bargain by maintaining their purity, only to discover on the wedding night that they kind have been duped.
Not by God.
But by other Christians.
I know, the lie wasn’t malicious. But nothing good comes from painting a sweeping generalization that from the wedding night forward, sex will instantly be amazing.
Yet, that is what we tend to do.
We scream purity from the rooftops, but are conspicuously vague about sex in marriage. We offer up these polished promises that sex as a married couple will be a flawless blend of ease, tenderness, romance and pleasure.
It will look like every romantic chick flick they have ever seen.
Then — in what must feel like a shocking turn of events — many freshly-married couples close the door of the wedding night suite, only to find everything but sexual bliss.
Read the rest here.
Her point is that sometimes we OVERSELL sex.
Will Sex in Marriage Be a Letdown?
Then the OTHER Julie over at Hot, Holy and Humorous was talking about the other side of it–how sometimes in our effort to prepare young people properly we UNDERSELL sex.
A 24-year-old young man asks this question,
I’m a 24-year-old man who is soon to be married and has never had sex (I know a 24-year-old virgin is quite a rarity in American society).
Anyway, I’ve been reading up on many of your articles on this website, and while I understand that in several of them that are geared towards newlyweds you typically give advice like lower expectations and that it won’t be perfect, I am afraid that I’m going to let my future wife down on our wedding night (or the first time we have sex, because I hear sometimes the wedding wears people out to the point where they don’t feel up to it that evening).
I have a few friends who waited until they were married to have sex and they all seem to say the same thing: that it wasn’t worth it to wait and that it wasn’t as big of a deal as everybody made it out to be.
She writes some great advice to get a good perspective (honestly, the post is really well done), and I completely agree with her.
What’s the Middle Ground with Healthy Expectations About Sex?
When we encourage people to wait for marriage for sex, we also need to give them a realistic idea of what they’re waiting for. Here’s what I want people to know:
God made sex to be an incredible experience in your marriage. It’s going to bring you much closer and help you feel much more intimate. It’s physically amazing. It’s simply fun!
But sex is also a skill which takes some work, and so don’t worry if you don’t get the physical bells and whistles right off the bat. You will get the closeness–revel in that, and then relax and enjoy yourselves and the rest will come.
After all, the best years for sex in marriage are years 16-24, so you have a lot to look forward to! Even if it’s not awesome right away, most people definitely get there! And you can speed up that process by reading good books about sex, relaxing, and showing each other grace.
But sex can also be a source of tension if, when expectations and reality collide, we give up trying, or we figure it’s not worth the hassle. So many couples settle–they settle for too little sex, or they settle for it never feeling that good. Don’t settle! If you want the benefits, you have to work.
The work is fun, though!
But the work also involves staying pure. The more you wander into pornography and stuff like that, the more you’ll rob your marriage of real pleasure.
And real pleasure if what God meant for you. So revel in your closeness and have fun, and you will get there!
That’s pretty much the message of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and that’s my philosophy.
But does it still sound too negative?
When I shared the first Julie’s post about “wait wait wait” on my Facebook page this week I had some pushback–several people said it was giving Christians a bad name, and they’d never heard these lies in churches before.
Other people jumped all over and said, “that’s what I grew up with!”
And I think that’s what we do grow up with, even if it’s never explicitly said out loud. We try to sell purity so much that we talk up how amazing sex is in marriage, and how awful it is if you don’t have real intimacy, and it’s pretty easy to draw the connection that “this must mean that if I wait it will be great!” And because most leaders don’t like talking about the mechanics of sex, they don’t really venture in to topics that may involve the word “orgasm”, so they don’t really elaborate.
But I worry sometimes that we’re giving too negative an impression, the kind that 24-year-old guy had.
So I’d love to know what you think–how do we talk about expectations about sex in a realistic way, without overselling or underselling it? And which way do you think we tend to go wrong?
Let me know in the comments–and let’s talk!
Now it’s your turn! If you’re a marriage blogger, link up the URL of a marriage post you like in the linky below. And then be sure to link back here so other people can read these great marriage posts!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I read Julie Parker’s post and loved it and I love your middle ground! I write for new brides and early-weds and one of the things I hear is how they had no idea how much sex (& marriage) could be work! Even where it had been taught, they did not expect the depths of learning and it really helps when they have a place to continue learning after marriage. It’s one thing to go through pre-marital and have all the head knowledge, but once you dive into marriage, most people need a hand (fresh affirming insights), not old notes.
I do think intimacy in marriage, is a lot like how we come into relationship with God. You don’t want to “scare” a seeker by talking about all the cross-carrying and self-death they’ll face after salvation. But at the same time you don’t want to be so rosy and present an incorrect view of salvation.
Sex in marriage is so intimate and personal and I think we need to hear that it’s a journey we’ll go with God and our spouse. We can’t understand everything in advance but we can be sure that as we hold on to God and apply ourselves practically, we’ll get there!
The middle ground you have explained above is perfect!
Thanks, Ngina! I like your comparison to how we talk about God–it is a balance of providing truth, but still being on the level of “milk” instead of “solid food” perhaps?
Absolutely!
First of all we should make sure we explain what sex is. Because porn has such a huge impact on the way sex is viewed. Explain why the bible uses the word “know” to describe sex and prepare young people for that kind of vulnerability. Often especially girls have problems letting their guard down because of negative experiences with guys or a problematic father-daughter relationship (and one of the two or both happen often). Teach boys how womens bodies work (they will watch porn and its important for them to know that THAT is a big fat liebe and women dont work like that). And most important of all: dont make such a huge deal of it. Yes, sex is important. BUT it can also do a lot of harm because we live in a broken world and we all sin (saved or not). More and more women are abuse victims and/or let themselves be used by men or their husbands because society reduces women to sex objects or churches “remind” them of their marital duties. Withholding sex is only wrong if you dont have serious issues like past abuse or mental illness and face is that many women suffer from exactly these things. And pressure makes it worse. My therapist is making me learn to accept that sex just isnt possible at the moment because I need to heal from abuse and paßt trauma. You cant force intimacy. And making people feel bad about not being able to have sex makes it so much worse. We need more grace in this area and less bible verse throwing. We must build up,not tear down. That would have helped me so much. Instead for years I have been trying “to get over it” because I “have to”. And that made it so much worse. We should be very careful what we preach. Grace is always better than rules.
Amanda, great points! And I’m so sorry you’re walking through this, but I’m SO GLAD that you have a good therapist! And I completely agree with you here: “Withholding sex is only wrong if you dont have serious issues like past abuse or mental illness.” Yes! I know I felt so guilty for having pain in intercourse that I didn’t take the time off that I really needed that would have sped up healing–for both of us. My husband completely agrees in retrospect. But I didn’t think that that was an option if I wanted to be a good wife.
That’s what I was trying to say in this post, too, about why sometimes “Just Do It” is really bad advice.
Thanks so much for your thoughts!
I think it’s important to remind people, whenever your first consensual sexual encounter is, everyone has a different experience. There might be fireworks there might not be. Normally all compatible sexual relationships take work, years of work, in marriage or outside of marriage. If your only motivation of waiting for the wedding is to have better sex, that’s a bad motivation. We should wait because God asks.
Also, I know your post is intended to give advice to virgins, but I think sometimes Christians who feel horribly guilty about their sexual past get swept under the rug. To them I would say: You haven’t ruined your married sex life, you really haven’t. Yes sex outside of marriage is a sin, but so are a lot of other things. No one, even a virgin is pure, we are all sinners. Try not to put yourself in a place where you will make the same mistakes.
And to those who have been abused, I hope you are in a place where you have strong Christians who support you, and do not lay any guilt on you for what you suffered. If Christians are telling you it was your fault, run and find true Christian friends who will cover you in Christ’s love.
And to the abused, the virgin and the experienced I would say: Every couple will have hangups sexually eventually. If you’ve committed to work through them with your partner no matter what, you’ve chosen a good spouse. Make sure before you marry your partner is the type who will be willing to put in the work to overcome any obstacle life throws, sexual or otherwise.
Great thoughts! And thanks so much for adding that about those who aren’t virgins. That’s so true–and I have a lot in my book that says just that. You may have had sex before, but you haven’t really made love, because making love is something that is with someone that you’ve committed to. So it IS new. And God makes it new, too!
I find it hard to balance these messages, because we deal with people who have different backgrounds, personalities, and beliefs. Wives who’ve been told that sex isn’t that great and it’s just for the hubby anyway need to have sex promoted far more, while those who’ve been told that a couple will just figure it all out on their honeymoon and then have pain need more nitty-gritty teaching about sex. God’s design for sexual intimacy is the same regardless, but the message will need to lean one way or the other depending on the person you’re addressing.
Which is why it’s frustrating — as you well know — when a commenter reacts to a specific post intended for one audience as if you’re writing to absolutely everyone. But even so, as Christians we have the responsibility to tell not just part of the truth, but the whole truth, so we try to achieve that balance in the totality of our ministry. And then we hope and pray our messages will reach those who need to hear them.
Love your middle ground, Sheila! Great commentary. (And others reading this, Sheila’s Good Girl’s Guide book is one of the best for wives about sex in marriage.)
Exactly, J! “Which is why it’s frustrating — as you well know — when a commenter reacts to a specific post intended for one audience as if you’re writing to absolutely everyone.” Yep. People really are coming from all different places, and it’s hard to find a middle ground.
Thanks for writing such a great post that got me thinking today!
My thoughts arent so much about waiting and first night sex, but overtime in the marriage. After I had kids I didn’t want sex, I could care less about sex. Of course it caused problems, and we had some tough times. I think the most important thing about marriage is “never stop dating each other” all the nice things you did when dating, don’t stop doing them. When my husband tells me I am beautiful, helps out with the house, the “little things ” it goes a very long way, and I desire him more. Marriage is very hard, and I was never told this. It’s been a big wake up call for me.
So true, Laura! I think of sex like a series of peaks and valleys over the course of your marriage–just when you think you’re on a roll and you have it figured out, something happens–babies, breastfeeding, stress, menopause, health issues–and you have to start all over again! But in the end, it’s okay, because it stretches our character, forces us to have great communication, and helps mold us into the person God wants us to be. But it is a wake up call, isn’t it?
My wife and I are currently going through a similar strain. She has told me that sex is not really that important to her. For me it is. . . I am trying to be patient, trying to woo her, trying to please her. . . figuring that if I make it enjoyable for her she will be more interested next time. This strategy has not worked very well (she told me that she feels loved when I hug/touch her in a non sexual way, but as soon as its sexual she does not feel loved). I don’t know what else to do, I long for the intimate connection of sex with her. She has tried, but I can sense that she is just doing her wifely duty. I just keep hoping it will get better, am I deluding myself?
I think that this problem of sexual expectations is a part of a larger problem about Christian expectations for marriage in general. The main lie that people get sold is that if they hold out for The Right One then life will be bliss, while if they mistakenly choose The Wrong One then all hell will break loose. So they go around looking for a perfect Right One, and when problems (sexual or otherwise) occur in their marriage, they assume it’s because they married the wrong person.
The way we need to look at it is that the process of two becoming one begins with friendship and lasts throughout life. It does not end on the wedding night. People have a lifetime to become The Right One for one another. That’s the journey. That’s what marriage is all about. If we saw our problems – sexual or otherwise – as a part of the process of becoming one, and becoming conformed to the image of God’s Son, we would have much happier, healthier marriages.
You don’t start out with wedded bliss. That’s the finish line.
Love this! So true.
Great thoughts here. Working with teenagers over years I also felt that to often the Christian message just stresses to wait with sex without correctly explaining why. And so you have the good girls who wait and dream of the perfect wedding night, and you have the other ones that just don’t see the point in waiting because they don’t understand the value. I think the benefit of waiting with sex until you’re married is a level of undisturbed intimacy that leads to feeling oneness with your partner (like in not having memories of former sexual experiences or partners pop up, because you didn’t have any) which is more related to our thought life than to the physical act of sex (which is the part that takes practice) no matter what. Like one commenter said, the Hebrew word to ‘know each other’ used in the bible to describe sex really is the perfect term. During sex we get to know our partner on all levels, physically, emotionally and spiritually. If we have a past (our own sin or abused) this will come up during sex because sex is made to bring us to a rare place of vulnerability with our husband/wife. The more ‘stuff’ there is to deal with the less enjoyable it will be. Of course Jesus can redeem us and heal us from it but it takes repentance, forgiveness, healing. I used to say to our youth that sex is like sharing chocolate. Every one has their unique bar of chocolate from God. It’s a gift meant for our future spouse. But if we have all sorts of relationships and sex partners it’s like every time we take a bite of someone’s chocolate bar and they get to take a bite of ours. Then once we get married it tastes all funny. Our own chocolate bar is not whole any more but there are other funky taste mixed in that disturb the pleasure with our spouse. God can clean it up, but the first bite with our husband would have been more enjoyable if it would have been only our two chocolate bars 🙂
Love this right here, Lydia: “I think the benefit of waiting with sex until you’re married is a level of undisturbed intimacy that leads to feeling oneness with your partner (like in not having memories of former sexual experiences or partners pop up, because you didn’t have any) which is more related to our thought life than to the physical act of sex (which is the part that takes practice) no matter what.” Yep. I think people concentrate too much on the physical (we need practice!) and don’t realize the impact on the intimacy.
I don’t really like the chocolate bar example. Sorry, it’s too close to the chewed up piece of gum analogies being thrown around. Just because you’ve made mistakes or had it forced on you doesn’t mean your marriage will “taste funny”. Having a less than perfect past, I take offense to this. Many marriages are just fine with the past sex lives of the partners.
My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. We did a ton of homework before our wedding about what to expect on our wedding night. Our expectations were that yes, we were going to have sex, but that was not the only thing to look forward to. What I remember most fondly about our wedding night was just being together. Snuggling in bed, eating snacks out of the mini-bar (something we normally never do because we’re cheap!), taking a bubble bath together, getting ready together to go on our honeymoon the next morning. I knew what to expect about sex because we had done a lot of research. I can share that with close friends who ask for my opinion, and tell them what I know in a way that doesn’t scare them. I can share with them some things they can bring with them that might help. I can tell them to relax and savor all the other things there are to enjoy about spending your first night together as husband and wife. Like bubble baths. Get a hotel room with a big bathtub. 😉
The one itty bitty thing I wish we had done differently was get a later flight for our honeymoon. The day after our wedding we had to be up early in the morning to get to the airport. I wish we had left ourselves more time, ordered room service for breakfast, sat and enjoyed coffee together. Hindsight!
Thanks, Melissa! I so hear you about the later flight. I’m starting to recommend that to people, too–just don’t be in a position where you have to rush or get up early.
What I’d like to know is how to get to that point where you can relax in the bubble bath with him on the wedding night. I’m Christian, single, virgin and often wonder how one makes the switch from trying to keep intimacy at bay to being intimate. After months or years of dating where you got comfortable with keeping a certain physical distance between you two, then after saying “I do” you start to be naked around each other and stuff.
As a husband entering into the 19th year of a sex deprives (<5 times / year) marriage, I would like all of the the Low Desire Partners (like my wife) know how much hurt and rejection her lack of sexual desire will cause in your marriage. My wife had 10 previous partners before we were married while she was my first. We weren't practicing Christians at the time and we had great and amazing sex the first year we dated. Soon after we were engaged, the sex stopped for no apparent reason (I now wish I had the wisdom to have put an end to the relationship then).
She is now a strong Christian and gladly points out all of my sins and shortcomings and spends all her energy on the kids, friends, or strangers. I listen to her complaints, I do dishes, I'm heavily involved in my kids lives, etc., I feel she uses sex as a tool to keep me in line. I'm so frustrated and rejected that I have started to see my own counselor.
How can a Christian women treat her husband this way?
Your not alone my friend, but in the myriad of your feelings from the confined rubic cube of your marriage/life cling to the truth….
For if you’ve experienced all, you will empathise to all (and truth did.)
For you/I to know the truth is liberty for He “the truth” knew it before it even came to pass and if He “the truth” knows and empathises your experiences, then believe He has made you more than a conqueror over them, whatever or whoever they are, (even our wives or husbands, those supposedly closest to us.)
But if we trust in our own abilities and see only our internal struggle then it will either hurt us build us or fullfill us, but it will never free us.
Only the truth/God’s Son can set us free, and the truth told us
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed!”
This is all temporal anyway.