Ever come to the end of a day and wonder, “how did I get so grumpy”?
Today’s guest post is from Meredith Carr from Oceans Deep. She writes great stuff about seeing God in the midst of life with little ones! And today she’s going to give us an answer to the “ick”–that grumpiness we all feel sometimes.
Recently, my husband and I had a “mountaintop” kind of weekend, where we were alive and vibrant with stimulating spiritual conversation. It was the type of moment you wish could carry on in perpetuity! And, for this tired stay-at-home mama, such refreshing fellowship with other adults was a very welcomed reprieve from the difficult “conversations” with my toddlers and the constant Sesame Street soundtrack playing in my mind. So on Monday morning, I was on guard after such a great weekend, certain that the enemy would be on high alert to steal my joy, kill my hope, and destroy my vision.
Yup. Mission accomplished.
Girlfriend, it was a day.
Kids crying. Kids whining. Kids fighting. There was no shortage of spit up and messy meals and poo. I got poo on my shirt and didn’t even change it, because I was just that—I don’t know—worn out, I suppose. The thought of making one more trip up those stairs simply didn’t seem worth it. So I wiped it as best I could and went on.
I was half way through my Costco shopping trip before I caught a glimpse of the Greek yogurt finger-painting on my new Capri pants, the creative work of my 1-year-old daughter. No wonder I got so many interesting looks!
The day went from bad to worse as the impact of my 2-year-old’s refusal to nap blossomed into a full-on tantrum meltdown of epic proportions. To top it all off, on Monday evenings my husband attends a men’s group—so he basically drops in long enough to eat the dinner I’ve miraculously managed to prepare in between refereeing “toy gate,” then swoops out to enjoy calm, mature adult conversation, conveniently missing the bedtime shenanigans.
Sigh.
I’m dismayed and discouraged by the chaotic state of my house, but more so by the messy state of my heart.
I feel an edge of bitterness, resentment, and under-appreciation; basically, the makings of a legit pity party. How is it that the pity party mentality is so unattractive in others, yet so appealing when it comes to ourselves?
I’m trying to fight it. Trying to fight the emotion, the lies, the pride, and the frustration. It’s what I call collectively “The Ick.” Ick is a very (non)scientific term that includes any and all emotion, feeling, juju, etc., which leaves us feeling grumpy, disconnected, and distanced from our Heavenly Father. When it hits, I feel as though I’ve taken a wrong turn and slipped right down the rabbit hole, and I’m powerless to shake free from the dark cloud swirling above my head.
I can’t stand this feeling and the way it permeates every aspect of my day, turning my joy into emptiness.
The juxtaposition of my weekend and weekday has me screaming inside, what is the solution? What is the answer to The Ick? I long to steer my heart back on track after it’s taken this kind of downturn, or avoid it altogether!
Can you relate? If so, here are some tools God is teaching me to implement whenever I feel The Ick coming on:
Put yourself in time out.
Metaphorically speaking, that is! Isn’t it staggering what parenthood teaches us about ourselves and about God? Seemingly every week I’m learning something new, having some fresh “aha” moment on account of my little ones. In my experience, “time out” has just as much relevance for adults as it does for recalcitrant toddlers. I’m forming the habit of putting myself into time out whenever I find my heart being drug away from steadiness and sanity because of The Ick. But rather than sulking in the pack-and-play, I take this time out sitting humbly and desperately at the feet of Jesus.
Psalm 142:1-2 says,
I cry aloud to the LORD; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy. I pour out before Him my complaint; before Him I tell my trouble. (NIV).
The idea of “pouring out my complaint” always sounded good on paper, but it felt a bit silly in practice . . . with people starving to death and war tearing lives and bodies apart, does God really have time for the things shaking up my spirit? Again, parenthood provides wisdom: have you ever once looked at your hurting child and thought, there are so many bigger problems in the world right now, I simply don’t have time to deal with your problem? Of course not!
And the same is true of our Heavenly Father. I’ve been awestruck at the peace I’ve gained by running to Him and telling Him all the things—big and small—that hurt my heart and threaten to take my joy. Steal away for a few minutes anywhere you can—the closet, the bathroom, the stairwell at work—and air you grievances to your Heavenly Father. He cares, and He alone can provide the peace you really need!
Put yourself in God’s Word.
Probably the best way I’ve found to shake off The Ick is by immersing myself in God’s word. I used to think this had to be a long, drawn-out, monk-like process of sitting quietly for a significant period of time. Well, who besides monks has time for that?
And the great news is, a large block of time isn’t necessary. Sometimes I’m up early enough that I can spend longer in His Word, and I’m thankful for those times. But, taking even 10-15 minutes to read Scripture can make all the difference. I feel tongue-tied trying to explain the innate, surprising power of Scripture to change a hardened heart, but therein lies the mysterious working of the Holy Spirit: the words of the Bible are not like any other words on this planet.
Hebrews 4:12 says,
For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. (NIV, emphasis added).
When we read God’s word, our mere mortal beings collide with the spirit world. We can’t help but be changed by such an encounter. In my experience, even reading “dry” Old Testament passages sends the joy of the Holy Spirit bubbling up to the surface. The Bible is God’s love letter to us, and we will feel that love when reading it.
If you’re new or newer to Bible reading, or short on time, the Psalms are a great place to find encouragement. In them, I often discover a reflection of my own troubled spirit. How encouraging to know that even King David—the man after God’s own heart—cried out,
To you I call, O LORD my Rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me . . . Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place. (Psalm 28:1a, 2 NIV).
I prefer diving into God’s word first thing in the morning, but let’s be honest—that isn’t always possible with little ones underfoot!
For the first several months of her life, my daughter decided it would be fun wake up and get her day going at 5 am. In that season, my quiet times looked a little different, and I learned the value of finding time whenever and wherever you can.
One option that works well for me is right after breakfast, when my kiddos are nice and full. I’ll pull out that “special” toy—you know, the one that seems to occupy them like no other. For us, it’s usually the massive bag of blocks. When I hear all those blocks hit the floor, I know I’ll have the next 15 minutes or so of uninterrupted reading time.
Another option is to read while your children nap. Even if your children no longer necessarily sleep during the day, you could institute an in-room “quiet rest time” for them—and you’ll both reap the benefits!
Finally, spending time in the Word just before bed is a great option in the busy season of mothering babies and toddlers.
Oftentimes, this is the only moment of quiet my home sees all day. And when I’m feeling beat up by a particularly challenging day, my soul finds much welcomed refreshment by digging into God’s Word.
However you find the time, let Scripture wash over you, and be amazed at what God can do!
Have trouble finding time to read Scripture? I’ve got a post on 9 ways to snatch time with God during the day right here!
Stop, drop, and give thanks.
The transformative power of giving thanks never ceases to amaze me. As Ann Voskamp describes in “One Thousand Gifts,” we need to spend time cultivating a “language of thanksgiving.” As sinful, fallen beings, our default setting is not one of gratitude, but rather of the “why me?” and “this isn’t fair!” kind. Through a deliberate, concerted effort to give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV), we can begin to learn the new language of thankfulness, and to see God’s good hand in everything that touches our lives.
When I’m caught in the clutches of The Ick, the last thing I want to do is name off things for which I’m thankful. I mean, the last. Recently, my sweet husband Aaron innocently asked me to name something positive in my day. It was his good-natured attempt at pulling me out of my funk, yet in the moment, this request incensed me! I can laugh about it now, because when I stopped and thought about the day and actually named something out loud, I felt my frigid heart begin to melt. And in my experience, the hardest part is taking the first step—once I name a gift, then two, then three, the gratitude ball begins rolling. It’s like finding your glasses after they’ve been knocked off your face. You can finally see again.
I hope these tools will prove useful for you the next time The Ick strikes. I’m finding this process incredibly simple, yet deceptively difficult. But practice makes perfect, as the saying goes. And in the daily grind of life, I’m certain there will be no shortage of opportunities!
Meredith Carr is a “Georgia peach”, but these days she calls Northern California my home. She’s a wife, a mother, a recovering attorney, and above all, a follower of Jesus.
She’s also a writer, and she blogs at Oceans Deep, where she pursues the passion she’s had for the written world since childhood. Visit her there!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
When my kids were really little, it was so hard. I’d plan to get up early for quiet time, and they’d get up early too. Or stay up late. Or find some other way to sabotage it.
In the end, I put a Bible in the bathroom cabinet. It was the one room in the house with a locking door and where I could be reasonably sure of getting 5 minutes peace!
So often, when the day was falling apart around me, I would go in there and ask God to get me back on track. A few verses, a quiet moment, and I could find the calm in the storm.
Now my kids are bigger. I don’t have a Bible in the bathroom any more. But pulling myself away and refocusing through the day is still just as important.
I love the insight on pouring out complaints. It’s something I really struggle with! I have a 14-month-old and I’ve learned the only way I can read the bible or do a devotion is with YouVersion. I read it out loud while my daughter has breakfast. It’s also good for her development to hear lots of new words!
This was encouraging to me. Thanks for this. I am not a stay at home mom…I work full time outside of the home, then come home to my kids and husband every night…(I call it my overtime job, haha) Anyway, the ‘ick’ as you called it creeps into my life a lot too, even though i get time away from the house cleaning and kids and i get adult conversation….I think it happens for me because I still struggle to find quiet time with God’s word and I feel overwhelmed at the amount of things we have to do at night to catch up on what we couldn’t do during the day, even quality family time. Also, guilt because of the need for me to work right now…
So yes…grumpiness sets in quite frequently. Lately, I’ve found that during my work day, i can just plug my headphones in and turn some praise music on, the grumpiness starts to fade. I’ve also put some verses that speak to me on post-its and stuck them to my computer monitor so that i’m reminded of God’s love and faithfulness to me. I also stay in my car when i get home for just a couple extra minutes and pray that God will give me patience and kindness and that He will bless our night and help me not be grumpy. I find that God is being faithful to me and growing me in this.
Thank you.
I get that you’re trying to be real and vulnerable here, but is there a way that this could have been written to make motherhood sound less wretched? Everywhere we turn in media are stories after stories about how parenting is worse than the worst war zone. As Christians, we are called to not conform to the patterns of the world. Let’s face it, American parenting really isn’t the worst thing a human could go through. Here are a few thoughts before hitting “publish” on an excessively negative post about motherhood.
– As a Christian, have we thought about how our speech affects others? As a childless woman, posts like this make me never want to have kids, not only because of how horrible it sounds, but also because I’m afraid of becoming this person and being surrounded by people speaking like this.
– Do I play up the negative to receive social leeway? I just went through PhD school and graduate school really was not as horrible as people make it sound, in fact it was less stressful than working full time. I confess that I did cash in on people’s sympathy for grad students but it was mostly out of selfishness. It gave me the leeway to forget people’s birthdays without consequence, ignore emails, etc.
– Am I saying things about my children that I shouldn’t be? If someone were posting excessively negative things about their husband/parents/siblings online, we would recognize they are in a very unhealthy situation and need to get help. Why is it ok to say stuff like this about our kids?
Matilda, I do hear where you’re coming from–we don’t want to discourage people from pursuing motherhood, and we should be grateful for what God has given us.
At the same time, what I love about the Bible (and what distinguishes it from every other religious book) is that it is so REAL about people’s failings.
And what people find attractive is not always portraying a rosy picture, but instead being authentic and real. I think that Meredith was being authentic here, and I think that this is a feeling that ALL mothers will have at some point. But in that “ick”, Meredith points us back to God. That’s an important lesson to hear. And she points us to gratitude.
Authenticity and being real are so important. When we can’t talk about honest feelings, we end up seeming like we’re one-dimensional people, and that isn’t going to bring people to the gospel. I don’t think she was unfairly denigrating motherhood–I think that these are feelings that all moms have. And she showed how you can get around them! I liked it, and that’s why I published it.
Plus, when you are authentic about motherhood (it is HARD!!!!) it helps the rest of us to not think we are weird or evil because we have a huge struggle with it. I never thought I should be a mother because of my high anxiety and high strung attitude. But I have a beautiful 11 month old. I love her. But she is 2 handfuls, lol. Hearing other mothers with the same struggles helps my heart instead of just hearing the “perfect moms who NEVER get mad or upset with their dear precious little ones and motherhood is a dream, whats wrong with you?” attitudes. Some days/moments are awsome!!!! And some days you Wanna put 2 bullets in your head. Straight up. If you don’t wanna hear real life, don’t read this blog.
An unnecessarily rude response.
I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have said that last sentence, but I am having one of THOSE days. Baby has a cold and is teething horribly and I’m exhausted from watching her all night. Please forgive me.
Oh, I remember those nights! My youngest daughter was the worst. And you can’t give babies decongestants, either, so they just can’t breathe. Poor little thing (and poor you!)
Thanks for understanding Sheila. If you’ve never had a sick baby or even a very sick puppy I don’t think you would understand, or understand the heart of this article. I am very thankful for those keeping it real, even if it offends other people. I don’t feel so alone. I’m also VERY thankful for my husband who got the baby to finally go to sleep last night when I was exhausted and she was fighting me cause she was so miserable. I can’t believe the men out there that don’t help their wives. My dear hubby puts them to shame. ?
Thank you for your kind response, Sheila. I don’t disagree with you, but I think there is a subtle difference between watching our speech and hiding our feelings to be a one-dimensional person. The Bible shows both successfully so I think it is possible. I just think that as Christians we should be cautious about jumping on the horrible parenthood bandwagon.
i would like to say that i didn’t feel that this post portrayed parenting as horrible. but itbportrayed a struggle many moms have. especially the lastvpartvabput gratitude showed how those negative feelings on the badbday are not the reality and how we can get out of the funk back into the ‘motherhood is a blessing’ mode.
the truth is, it is a battle. every day. we should not portray motherhood as negative and leave it there. we should not rant about our failings and bad days in order to feel justified that we are not all that bad and others are just like that too. but in the post she showed how to deal with those bad days and get back on the positive track! that’s where the battle is, not to keep it all looking perfect and sunshine all the time. but to know how to get out of the rabbit hole when you fall. there is nothing wrong with naming the rabbit hole. the supernatural life that God calls us to is not one of flying above clouds never failing, but it’s rather overcoming those failings. we are not yet perfect, but we are on our way.
I laughed when I saw the title of this post because that’s exactly where we’re at right now! A 13-mo girl (and expecting baby #2 in 2 months) who recently has *VERY* grumpy late afternoons/early eve until bedtime. That has become the hardest part of my day, and when I can’t take it anymore, my sudden explosion to my husband of “Can we take a walk/quick drive/go to the park?” is becoming more and more regular (he knows I’m not mad at him; he feels the stress too!). I think she gets bored of being at home all day, and is just wanting more stimulation (and she *loves* going outside/going anywhere!). Thank you for the reminder of being grateful… that’s something I’ve been struggling with, and something that the Lord has already brought to my attention (and I forget and forget!).
For us introverts, the “ick” tends to strike rather often. I dearly love my two children–2 year old girl, month-old boy–but lots of times I find myself wondering why I didn’t pursue a different career. Weather researcher in the Arctic,say, or fire watcher on some remote mountaintop. At that point I find it really helps to break routine and go do something to get out of the rut, like a hike or a trip to the library.
I like the suggestion to take your quiet time at night. I recently started doing that, and it’s the first time in years I’ve been able to find time to do it more or less consistently.
Great post! I struggle from the “ick” and I’m trying to do better. I don’t have kids to contribute to this; I have migraines and insomnia, which causes awful exhaustion. It’s really hard to keep a good attitude sometimes. Prayer, Bible reading, and thankfulness are all a part of my life, but I really need to focus on implementing them during my “ick” times especially. I know it will make a difference!
Dear Ashley,
Lack of sleep can make you literally crazy, I know. I have also suffered from insomnia for years. I once had about 4 hours of sleep over 3 nights and had a small psychotic breakdown. Find a way to get some sleep! It will make you feel much differently! I had to medicate for a while and then weaned myself from the meds. Something is bound to work! Good luck!
Thanks, Angie! I’m actually waiting for my cortisol test result to come back. If that’s the culprit, then that explains a lot! We are working on getting me back on the right track.
I love the book about 1000 gifts. That was a great book and completely eye opening.