What do you do if your friend lets her husband treat her horribly? How can you help her stop being a doormat?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I want to talk about what to do if you notice that a marriage around you has some very unhealthy patterns of behaviour.
As most of my regular readers know, I’m a big believer that God’s primary goal for all of us is that we become transformed into the likeness of Jesus Christ (Romans 8:29). Too often in Christian circles, however, submission is taught to women in a way that enable both husband and wife to look less and less like Jesus all the time.
That was one of the themes of my new book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. God doesn’t want us covering so much for other people that we actually encourage them to act in ungodly ways.
Today I want to share a story with you that I heard from a follower of my Facebook page, and then we’ll take a few lessons from it.
The woman writes:
I have a friend who I really like. We were not close, but we got along well. We were both stay at home moms and went to the same church. We also lived on the same side of town so we started hanging out together.
The more we got to know each other the more I liked her, as a close friend, but her husband I could not stand. He just was not a man that could treat his wife with respect or be responsible. He floated from job to job, and eventually quitting his job right after they bought a house so he could start a small business. He always did everything half-way, sloppily, and it always made things hard for her, because she not only had to raise her four and try to homeschool; she had to do a lot around the business.
I would always come to help her clean, help them move the multiple times they moved, etc….but I did it to help her.
Over the years the house would always get messier no matter how much I helped to clean because he always undid all the progress. It got really frustrating but I kept helping because I wanted to help her.
The last straw occurred right after she had her 5th baby. They could not afford their house and moved in with her parents, living with them for about 6 months. She had her fifth baby via C-section. It had been a hard, difficult labor and the section was a last minute emergency. She was sent home to recover at her parents’ house.
Three days after the baby was born, the day after she came home, she called asking if I could come be with her because her parents needed to go somewhere and her hubby was not there and she couldn’t get up to take care of the other four kids. I assumed he had to go back to work so I came right over. I loved babies, wanted to spend time with her, and I did it happily.
Happily, that is, until I got the kids fed, tucked into bed, and then went to chat with her. Then I learned that her husband was not at work. He was at an all-day movie marathon with friends.
She said he had been working so hard the past 3 months, and he really wanted to go to get a break, she just didn’t have the heart to ask him to stay home.
Mind you: she just had a baby via c section; she had four kids 7 and under; and they have been living with her parents for the past year. And he went to the movies all day long because he wanted a break.
And she couldn’t tell him no….
She even called him in between movies and asked him to come home because she was tired and wanted to sleep but couldn’t sleep without him there. He told her to take a sleeping pill.
What man tells his wife to take a sleeping pill to sleep when there would be no one else there to take care of the newborn??
That is when I realized that all I was doing was making it easy for her to be a doormat. My being there, my helping her clean, my helping them move many times, was just helping to clean up messes he made and didn’t want to be responsible for so she wouldn’t have to put her foot down.
This story makes me so sad. And so let’s just look at a few things:
1. People Should Reap What They Sow
One of God’s primary methods to help people learn character lessons is the principle of reaping and sowing. You should feel the consequences of your actions.
Unfortunately, in many relationships, one person is sowing laziness and irresponsibility, but they aren’t reaping the consequences of it. Others disrupt the law of sowing and reaping by stepping in and rescuing, and they stop any benefit from it.
As this woman learned, her friend’s husband was sowing crisis after crisis, but she was the one reaping it, as was the wife. She had to stop what she was doing so that the husband would be forced to deal with the consequences of his actions.
Helping people out is an extremely Christian thing to do. If a friend or relative is in crisis, of course be there for them. Of course let them in your home.
But if that crisis is of their own making–like if a husband is too lazy to work, for instance–and they are doing nothing at all to fix it, then stepping in doesn’t actually solve the problem. It just creates more.
2. Some Women Need to Grow Up
This sounds harsh, I know. But what does it mean to grow up? Growing up means taking responsibility and stepping up to the plate. It means realizing that you have choices and then starting to make appropriate choices.
Many women are simply not grown up–and often for very good reason. They grew up in homes where life was chaotic, and so they often felt helpless. They couldn’t make choices or make their lives better because they never knew what was coming around the corner. Making plans, working towards a goal, accomplishing something–these were all quite foreign because of the family situation.
Many women in these situations are drawn to men who are also irresponsible. This husband, for instance, sounds like he talks a good talk and he is the life of the party, but he doesn’t actually do anything or accomplish anything either. But she was likely seduced by how charismatic he was. And by him being domineering, she felt safe. She didn’t have to make decisions again. He would make all the decisions. Life felt comfortable, like what she was used to, even if it wasn’t good.
Then, as life started spiralling downhill, and her husband became increasingly irresponsible, she likely became more and more forlorn. The worse things got, the more helpless she felt. She’d make excuses for him (as she did to the friend who wrote me), rather than facing the truth. She won’t let herself get angry, because feeling anger means that she would also have to act on that anger, and acting is the one thing that is far too scary to do. So she just withdraws, retreats, shrinks, and copes less and less.
If you want to be a friend to someone like this, and to help her stop being a doormat, then coach her on how to set boundaries early, before the crisis happens. Teach her how to talk to her husband. Encourage her to see a counselor.
And then start preparing her to look out for herself. Make it a long-term project to help her get training in case she has to support herself and her kids. Quite frankly, if her husband won’t earn an income, she will have to. Somebody has to support those kids. So she will have to grow up in a hurry.
3. We Need More Community
So many of these situations could be fixed, I think, if we reached out more as couples and got to know other couples in our churches, so that when there was a crisis, a couple could come alongside them and say, “this isn’t acceptable.” We need men to talk to men and tell them to man up.
And then, if he won’t man up, as a church community we need to be there to support families as they try to build a life for themselves. We need churches who will call this guy at the movie theatre and say, “Your wife needs you. What you are doing is selfish and is unsafe for your wife and your kids. If you don’t come home to help, then we will have to remove your wife and kids from your home and take them into ours to give them a safe place to be. We want that safe place to be with you, and we will do all we can to help you. But their safety is our main priority, and so if you don’t step up the plate, we will have to.” If more churches did that, fewer couples would be in crisis.
4. You Can’t Help Everyone
Finally, this is the hard one. If you have a dear friend that you care for so much, likely you can see all the steps that she should be taking to make life better for her and her kids. And you want her to do those things so desperately.
But she can’t do them because she is not you. She doesn’t have your background. She’s not used to taking responsibility. And the thought of acting–of actually making a decision–likely scares her to death.
If you have prayed, counseled, and helped pave the way for her to build a better life, and she doesn’t take it–that’s not on you. And sometimes we have to move on.
Sometimes there is one person who is sapping so much of your emotional, spiritual and physical energy, and it needs to stop. There’s a principle in Scripture of “shaking the dust off of your feet”. If you told people the truth, and they don’t accept it, you shake the dust off and you move to the next town where maybe they will listen to you. And the guilt is on the people who won’t listen; it’s not on you for not doing enough.
It’s hard to let go, especially when a friend is in a dire situation. But ultimately they need to decide to change, and you can’t do it for them.
Do you have a friend who is acting like a doormat? Have you ever had a friendship like this one? What did you do? Let me know in the comments!
Now it’s your turn! If you’re a blogger, leave the URL of a marriage post in the linky below to get some blog traffic. And then be sure to link back here so other people can see these awesome posts!
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Whew, Sheila, home run! May we help our churches live out your third point – being there to help in a helpful way, so the guilty party (or parties) can learn by reaping what they sow. Amen!
Thank you, Julie! I totally agree about churches–but it also makes me feel very convicted personally, because how often do I fail to get involved?
I know your friend’s friend to well. I am her. While my husband may not have ignored duties be should have done, he has disrespected me for a while now and I have condoned it unfortunately. He cheated, as a result a child was born. I forgave we did counselling, he said there was nothing anymore with the baby mama. Shock on me a month ago he tells me he wants to haveboth e and the baby mama. He looked me in the eyes and told me he loves her. He says he moves us both. I told him it can’t work, we can’t be two women therefore I will separate from him. He said that’s okay. I got a house and moved out with our three kids on Monday evening. He tagged along and came to the new house with all his stuff. He isn’t saying much and neither am I. He is acting like everything is normal. Am tired. We have been married seven years. We were both born again before marriage. I am still born again. I don’t know if he is. Am sad.
Mercy, I’m so sorry. That’s just awful. That happened to a woman very close to me, too. The guy said he wanted to keep both families.
Do you have some friends who can come over and insist that your husband move out? I think it’s best to take a firm stand right now: choose which wife you want. You really do need to.
Wow. This is terrible. The husbands behaviour makes my blood boil.
You’re probably right. The friend can help her and the five kids move in with her if the husband is amiable. Or have the parents kick the husband out of the house until he gets his act together. I would like to think my church elders would have a lot to say to this gentleman. The pastors and one gentleman in particular stands out in my mind. I can see him get in his admonishing and teaching mode right now.
Here’s what really puzzles me. Americans are renowned the world over for being loud, rambunctious and opinionated to the point of being obnoxious. I know this is a stereotype, but stereotypes don’t originate from nowhere. So how is it that so many of them lie right down and let people walk all over them? I was in the department less than 6 months and I had a reputation of telling it like it is and taking no nonsense. I’m considered non-confrontational in my family and in my country of origin. You are Canadian, who are supposedly super apologetic, but you espouse tough love. (I entirely agree with you btw). Just an puzzling observation.
Do I apologize too much? I’m so sorry. I never meant to. 🙂 (haha!)
I think in every society there are a whole mix of people. Some are loud and confrontational, and some are overly submissive.
Here would be my take on it: I think people’s basic personality is obviously determined partly from genetics, but largely from environment. Some people are confident because they grow up in homes where they are encouraged; some are not confident at all. But the WAY that the personality is expressed likely differs from culture to culture. So a confident, secure native Canadian woman, for instance, would likely be extremely quiet. She’d be the rock, who would sit there, not saying anything, and making others feel distinctly uncomfortable if they were doing something wrong (the native Canadian and native American cultures, are, on the whole, quieter, though that too is a generalization). I know a woman like that; she is absolutely wonderful and so wise, but she says very little.
On the other hand, a secure, confident Italian woman would likely let everything out.
So likely things get expressed based on your culture, but at its most basic, our hearts are still so affected by our environment growing up. This poor woman was likely taught that she didn’t have choices, and so she has always felt helpless. She’s not, but she likely finds that hard to believe. And that is so sad.
It sounds like a lot of codependency is going on. I just started taking codependency classes and I wish everyone knew about it because it happens and it goes unnoticed sometimes by Christians. And there are healthy boundaries to be placed. It’s a matter of respecting yourself and setting boundaries and teaching your husband how to treat you by saying no, or telling him to come home early, or allowing him to have his own consequences. I know it’s the hardest thing to do, because codependents want to feel needed but its also very unhealthy and very stressful. Your only responsibility is yourself. Not a grown man that is his own responsibility. And you are not doing him any favors because healthy people learn by their mistakes, they learn by having consequences and not doing that thing anymore because of the consequences. So in reality you are telling that person “you are not capable of doing this”. And they don’t believe in themselves because of it. But if you would just allow them to take the responsibility to make them make choices, even dealing with their consequences, then they would grow up and become what you know is inside of them. Anyways, I know by simple changes you can learn to respect yourself, and make your husband respect you as well. And also allow your husband to believe in himself as well. Let him do it!!!!!! He is a grown man!! Allow him to be!! Anyways, just thought I’d share….
I like what you said there–how when you do things for people they should do for themselves, you really tell them, “you are not capable of doing this.” So true!
I think a lot of this is great advice, not just for martial relationships, but also familial. My husband and I go through phases when it comes to playing the doormat. Right now work is 120 miles away for me, roundtrip, I leave at 5:45 am and am not back until 6 or 7 pm, I barely see my babies, and I am trying to find a job that moves me closer to home. All this adds up to stress. My husband has been accommodating in letting me chill with the kids instead of dishes, and relax on my own after the kids are in bed. He has done this for about 2 weeks (give or take), and now he is saying he needs attention/help. He gave me a grace period, and now it is time to organize and step up. And I am.
My parents are a different story. I called every Sunday, faithfully, at the time I was allowed to call for 10 years. Then I became a mommy. I begged for them to come be with me during the first few weeks of motherhood because I needed the companionship. They refused. They never called. If I texted or emailed I sometimes got a response, or I got a response days later. When I had my second baby, an unexpected blessing, they refused my invite. Though they begged me to fly for Christmas that year with a sick husband, 5 month old baby, 2 year old, and medical bills. I could not make it. Now that they have moved closer to my home (still a 9.5 hour drive) I invited them for Thanksgiving. They refused, but did invite me to their house. The problem there is that I have no time off, and would only be able to do a drive-Friday-visit-Saturday-drive-back-Sunday kind of trip. I do not want to refuse this olive branch, but it also means that once again I am rearranging my life to accommodate them. I am so starved for the attention they lavish on my sister and niece that I do not know what to do. My husband I get, my parents are hard.
Sweetie, I know they are your parents, but you have got to let go. Your sister and niece probably ignore THEM, that’s why they get all the attention! I’ve seen it first hand with my grandma. My mom(who does EVERYTHING for her) gets ignored and disrespected but her brother and sister get sooooo much praise and love for doing NOTHING!!! It makes me so angry and I could care less for the woman now, unfortunately. It has also happened with my husband’s mom, now deceased. It may feel harsh, but it’s best for you and YOUR family.
Hi, Angie
What you say is so true. My husband’s parents adore his sister and brother, both of whom are quite aloof with their parents and use them. (His sister would not allow their parent’s to visit when she had kids for the first three months so that she could get into a routine. Really? You don’t allow Granny and Grandpa one visit because you want a routine?). And his parents run after both of them. My husband who is constantly looking out for them is constantly sidelined.
Its the same with my family.
I think you’re right – its not about ignoring though, its about living your own life and either your family will be part of it. Or they won’t. And very often when you get to that point, they will decide to be part of it. While you’re running after them, they probably think “they have you”, so they don’t need to put the effort in… 🙂
MountainWife, you are doing what you can. You are reaching out. You are extending an olive branch. NO ONE should be expected to drive 9 1/2 hours to visit parents when they have a baby and a toddler. The parents visit you–unless they’re so sick they’re in a hospital or something.
It really is okay to say no. It really is.
I know it’s hard with parents, and I know you want the love. But it looks to me like you could do all they want and still not get it. I’m so sorry, because it’s all so SILLY. I don’t know why families aren’t just nicer to each other. But you can only do what you can do, and it really is okay to say no.
Wow! If I had a friend who I saw being treated like that, I would probably give the guy a royal chewing out myself! Your wife is recovering from a MAJOR surgery, and needs to rest and you’re out watching movies with friends?!?! Seriously, this guy needs a slap upside the head!
I do have a friend who is separated from her husband because he can’t hold down a job and he’s been physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to her starting on their honeymoon. They’ve been separated for a long time now and have a child together which she has raised by herself since the day he was born. Unfortunately, my friend has people who are telling her that if she doesn’t reconcile with her husband she’s inviting the punishment of God into her life, and that makes me SO angry! Thankfully, she has no intentions in taking him back, especially since he hasn’t changed and still blames her for his problems.
It’s unbelievable how many men are given a free pass while women suffer with guilt, depression, and the weight of the entire marriage on her shoulders all in the name of “submission”. Like Jesus said to the Pharisees, “you lay heavy burdens on people without lifting a finger to help”!
Sheila, I feel like you gave some really good practical advice for the situation. When we see others suffering, speaking the truth and calling things out as they are is the right thing to do. Jesus never glossed over things, He called them as He saw them, and it made a lot of people really angry. There is a time to speak, and a time to be silent; and in this particular situation, silence is destructive. I really hope this husband has a change of heart!!!
Amen, Nicole! I love your use of that verse, too–I think of that one often.
Oh man. I was a doormat. It took multiple friends, family members, and my therapist to finally get through to me what I was allowing. Even once I admitted the reality, I still faced a huge internal struggle to get up the nerve to kick him out. I grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive household where my dad ruled absolutely over my mom who was a doormat herself. It is really, really hard to overcome that mindset when it’s all you ever knew. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am that my friends didn’t give up on me, and kept chipping away at every bit of denial I put up until I finally acted.
Oh, that’s so wonderful! And I hope that your post will give others HOPE when they are talking to friends, too!
I’m a little confused by the message here. I’ve just discovered this blog, but it seems to me most of the time the message is about teaching women to see the positive in their husbands — I’ve even seen posts which try to find the good sides of men who yell at their wives, use porn, and have emotional affairs. So what am I missing here? From what I understood, the husband in the story — and we are hearing about him third hand — sounds like a very immature, selfish kind of guy, who can’t hold down a job and whose business failed. I wouldnt want to be married to him! But he is not abusive, he is not having an affair, he must have some redeeming qualities. Again, he sounds like a selfish character, and the story about the movies is terr8ble. But still, I’m confused as to why he is being so completely trashed here. Meanwhile, the wife has gone ahead with homeschooling her kids instead of sending them to school and getting maybe a part time job to contribute financially…it just seems to me that I’m missing something, there is more to this story than just the wife being a doormat, especially since she seems to be finding plenty of people — her parents, her friends — to help her out! Again, not trying to e,cuse the guy, he is not being a good husband, I just don’t see him as so beyond the pale!
“If anyone does not take care of his own relatives, especially his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” — 1 Timothy 5:8
If the husband in this story was actually working, I could understand if his wife tried to get a part time job to help out. From the way things sound, he is out playing around like a teenager instead of helping his wife and providing for his family. She’s trying to pick up his slack and she’s already overloaded. He’s obviously content to let his wife’s friend pick up the slack, and it doesn’t sound like he realizes his selfish behavior, or if he does, that he doesn’t care. You don’t leave your wife who just had major surgery (and needs to rest!) home to care for all the kids by herself! He probably assumes that people will step in to help his wife when he doesn’t, so what motivation does he have to be there for her anymore?
Also, if she were to get a part time job, it would likely ADD to the stress that’s already there, as she would need to pay for childcare, and she would be even more exhausted. If the kids don’t have their father around much, how would them not having their mom around help the situation? I’m a SAHM also, and the reason I don’t work outside the home is because any money I’d earn would go to gas to get to and from the job, and childcare.I’m also planning on homeschooling my boys as the public school system has gone downhill here. I went to public school for my freshman and sophomore year of high school and nearly flunked out. I homeschooled my junior year, and completed both junior and senior year a year ahead of my class. I had no problem getting into college, but then I got engaged, married, and pregnant, and decided to put my dreams on hold until my kids are a bit older. Time with your kids, especially when they’re little, is so precious. And you can never get that time back. 🙁
I don’t think Sheila’s post is trying to trash the husband in the situation, but rather point out that his behavior is simply not acceptable and that his wife needs to find the voice to stand up for herself and get her husband back on the right track. I would hope the husband might have some good qualities and positive traits, and that the wife would appreciate those things in her husband, but this is not what this particular article is about.
Also, my above comment was in response to eterfinifrete. Sorry for my ramblings!
I have absolutely no respect for a man who does not provide for his family. I was brought up to work at whatever I did whole-souled–nothing “half-way” is ever good enough. Why do something if you’re not going to do it to the best of your ability? This crumb-bum needs a serious wake-up call, and so does his wife that tolerates being treated like this. Tough words, but they fit the situation!
Yes, in theory! But this story just said he was drifting from job to job — we don’t know why he was unable to hold a job. Does he have any skills? What’s the job market like where he lives? We know he quit one job, but that was so he could start a small business, which indicates he was trying to do something to care for his family!
I agree with Nicole that being a stay at home mom is very important, the best thing for the kid’s and the whole family. I guess though I wonder how the wife got herself into the situation of having 5 kids, and on top of that deciding to homeschool them, even though her husband was failing to provide. I wonder if there’s more to her problem than being a doormat, she’s also a bit of a martyr. Seems to me she could have sent the older kids to school and removed some pressure from herself. Homeschooling is ideal, but maybe it’s not possible in this case. And maybe if she wasn’t trying to be superwoman she’d have the energy to deal with her husband better. Who knows, she might be able to help him figure out WHY he is failing to provide. Is he maybe panicking because he has so many mouths to feed, and then the panic makes it hard to get anything done? I don’t know, just a thought! Again, I am not trying to excuse the guy, he is not doing his job as a husband. I just feel surprised to see him kind of villified, on a forum which usually encourages understanding and compassion!
Ohhh I just understood the point of this post, I hope? You’re saying that, by never confronting her husband at all, the wife is actually failing to give him the help he needs. They can’t figure out how to work together until she makes it clear to him that she can’t do everything!
Sorry for the multiple responses! This struck a chord woth me. One of my cousins is married to kind of a slacker. they are both very young and immature. He needs to step up, but I get tired of the way my whole family dumps on him. I guess I was reading that into this post.
anyway, thanks.
Reading these comments is heart breaking. How any husband could treat his wife like some of those mentioned here is beyond my comprehension. I married my wife because I loved her and wanted to take care of her. Our marriage continues to grow almost daily and we rarely have arguments. If we do it is about trivial matters. I take my marriage vows very seriously and would never do anything to hurt my wife whom I love more and more as time goes by. (Nearly 41 years)
What role is reversed in this issue? How could the husband handle it?