When it comes to splitting household chores, does the wife really have to do all the housework if she stays at home?
Every Monday I like to try to answer a Reader Question, and today I’ve got two quite similar ones from two frustrated moms who feel that their husbands expect them to do all of the housework. One writes:
I heard the broadcast on Focus on the Family, and did it ever validate some of the things I’ve been feeling! I am also a homeschool mom, and I really struggle with the line of “his work and her work”. When the wife stays home, whether she homeschools or not, is all the housework her responsibility? I see a lot of discussion about homes where the wife also works, but not about homes where the wives stay home.
Here’s another woman:
I’ve recently became a stay at home mom. My husband was all for the idea of me being home with our boys and I was overjoyed, too, but here is my issue: When I ask my husband to do the tiniest thing (take trash out, Wash the dishes, change a diaper), he makes a statement such as “well you’re a stay at home mom now” or “Do you want to grade papers or do lessons plans for me?”, and doesn’t do the thing I asked of him OR he makes requests that are adding to my Daily tasks–such as feeding the dog both evening and morning, watering plants, or things he used to to. I’m just starting out being home and I don’t want to resent it. But I also don’t want to drown with daily “chores” and “tasks” and not be able to spend the time with our boys like I had intended. Please help me get my husband to understand that I don’t want to do it all on my own.
I get asked these sorts of questions a lot, and I actually wrote a book about exactly this–To Love, Honor and Vacuum. What do you do when you feel more like a maid than a wife and a mother? I’ve got all sorts of tips in there about how to divide household chores or at least how to talk about the issues, and so if you’re really struggling like this woman is, I’d really recommend getting the book, which goes into so much more detail than I can in this post.
But I’m going to share some general principles today which I hope can get people thinking and talking about it.
Story #1: Not Understanding How Much Work Being a Great Mom Is!
I was 28 years old and my husband was a resident at the Hospital for Sick Children in pediatrics. I was at home with a one-year-old and a three-year-old.
I went to a social function with all of the other residents and spouses, and one particular woman often talked to me because she had kids the same age as mine. The difference was that she and her husband were both residents (doctors in training), so they had hired a nanny to care for the kids.
She was venting and complaining to me that day that her nanny didn’t do enough housework. The nanny had dinner made every night, but the floors weren’t mopped and the laundry wasn’t always folded.
And I thought to myself: I’m at home all day and my floors aren’t always mopped and my laundry isn’t always folded either. Why? Because I do stuff with my kids. We go to the park. We go to gymnastics at the Y. We go to the library. And getting all that housework done with two kids underfoot is really hard. If she wanted a nanny who did all that housework, then she wanted a nanny who would ignore the kids.
Story #2: When You Stay at Home, You Home Is Messier
When my kids were about 3 and 5 I was involved in a small group at church with a bunch of other couples with young kids. One night we went over to one couple’s house for dessert. The house was spotless. Flowers everywhere; magazines fanned on the coffee table; toys in lovely wicker baskets in the corner of the living room.
My home NEVER looked like that.
I was despondent on the drive home, and then my husband reminded me: both parents work. They leave the house at 7:15 and drop the kids in day care, and get home at 6:00. The kids are in bed by 7:30. They don’t have time to mess up the house because they’re very rarely there!
And I did feel better.
The moral of the story? The house gets messier when it is lived in constantly, and being with kids is a busy job, in and of itself, if you want to actually spend time with kids, create memories, and teach them things.
General Principles for Dividing up Household Chores
There’s No Substitute for Talking
Sometimes people write in and I get the feeling that they’re looking for a MAGIC answer–that magic thing they can say that will change everything.
There really isn’t any such thing as magic.
You have to talk about how busy and overwhelmed you feel. You have to talk about what goes into running a house, and decide what is the fairest way to divide that up. I hope I can give you some direction in WHAT to talk about and HOW to talk about it, but you do have to talk.
Here are some possible ways that you can frame that conversation:
Talk About His and Her Work Hours
I’m a firm believer that being a stay at home mom is hard work. But at the same time, if we’re honest, we know that we don’t always take it seriously. I think we could get a lot more done during the day if we did decide to treat stay at home motherhood like a job, with things we wanted to get done.
But when you are a stay at home mom, what adds to the exhaustion is the fact that you are never off duty. So it’s not always WHAT you do–it’s the fact that you never get to breathe on your own.
So let’s talk work week. Let’s say your husband works 50 hours a week. Then you should really work 50 hours a week, too. And what counts as work? Any time you’re doing something that contributes to the family as a whole. If go on Facebook for an hour while the kids nap, that’s not work. But taking them to the library, mopping the floors, fixing dinner–that’s work.
If you had an hour and a half to yourself today during the day, then it really is okay to let him sit on his butt for an hour and a half in the evening while you make dinner and clean up. Don’t resent him for that.
But if you spend the entire evening working, and he really does nothing, then it’s time to have that talk about how long your work days are and what you can do to even it out a bit. Again, don’t measure minutes–you’ll only end up in fights and it will be hurtful. But saying, “I need an hour of downtime at night, away from the kids, while you clean up dinner and give bath time” is perfectly reasonable.
Work Together in Short Bursts
My grandmother had a rule, “When Momma’s working, everybody’s working”, and I adopted that, too. If I was cleaning the kitchen, everybody else had better be cleaning something as well! So we’d set the timer for 15 minutes and see how much we could get done (you can get a LOT done in 15 minutes when all hands are on deck).
If you have a general routine where for 15 minutes after dinner everybody cleans something (you can give everybody a different zone), and then after that you do something fun as a family, that can work well, too. “Come on, guys! Let’s beat the timer and get this all cleaned up, and then we get to play Life!”
Get Super Organized
I am a much better housekeeper today, at 45, then I was at 25. I’ve had more practice at housework. I’ve learned that it’s important to empty the dishwasher first thing every morning or my whole day is thrown off. I’ve learned to fold the laundry as it comes out of the dryer rather than dumping it on the floor (or the bed).
So learn how to be as productive and organized as you can be!
My husband has always worked long hours, and quite frankly, when he was home I didn’t want him cleaning. I wanted to goof off with him and have fun with the kids! So my goal was always to see how much I could get done on my own, during the day, so that he wouldn’t have to do stuff at night–because then I wouldn’t have to do stuff, either!
Sometimes the house got out of control and we’d all have a cleaning day. And we did that 15 minute thing a lot. But my goal was just, “get it done as fast as I can” so that we can have family time at night. When the kids were really little that did mean that Keith had to watch them while I did the big cleaning. But I got better at it, and it didn’t take much time when I knew there was a reward at the other end: spending time together!
So I wouldn’t get too upset about watering the plants and feeding the dog–if you’re still spending time together having fun as a family. But if you aren’t enjoying family time, that’s a different story.
Take Some Time to Yourself
I know some moms who NEVER have themselves in their profile pics on Facebook. Their profile pics are always of their kids, as if the kids are their whole identity. And sometimes moms take no time away from the kids.
Your kids need to see that you have an identity outside of them, and your husband needs to see that you are still your own woman.
If your husband just will not help with anything, and you really are run off your feet, then may I suggest that you take one evening a week and say, “I’m going to take this for myself, and you can put the kids to bed”? Go to a woman’s Bible study. Take a craft evening class at a community college (ours offers quilting, cooking, painting, and more). Or take another course–like computers, investing, pilates. Do something that gets you out of the house for two hours a week. Besides, your husband needs to watch the kids and develop his own relationship with them.
I really don’t believe that there is “his work” or “her work”. But I do believe in two big principles:
- Both spouses should be contributing to the family at roughly equal amounts;
- Both spouses should have their own relationship with the kids
And of those two things, #2, in my mind, is the most important. I never cared about doing most of the housework if it meant that when we were together, Keith got to be with the kids. So let’s not count chores, but let’s put in the most effort we can when we are working. And if there’s a big imbalance, then you just have to talk about it.
If you’re a stay at home mom, how did you decide on splitting household chores? Let us know in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I’m not a stay at home mom, but the housework division in my home has been a source of conflict. My husband and I both work full time plus I write part time, but my husband still expects me to do all the housework. I grew up in a home where my father would mop the floors just to because he wanted to help my mom out and everyone did there part. My husband grew up in a home where his mom did everything and she even told my husband that he should never lift a finger to help clean the house because it’s the woman’s job. I’m not quite sure what the solution will be for us, but thanks for the article and I definitely will keep talking to him about evening out the workload.
So glad you enjoyed it! I think just talking about work hours can help–let’s each work during work hours, and then have fun together when we’re not working! If you can take a look at how long everyone’s work week is, and see that there’s a big imbalance, that’s a good way to start.
I’m generally not in favour of counting minutes, like I said. You can get into fights about how “this job is harder than that job and can count for more”, and it just goes downhill from there. But if you say, “Well, you get 20 hours a week to yourself and I get 3. How can we even that out?” or something like that that can really help.
Especially if you use some of your free time to have fun together!
Thanks Sheila!
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I largely agree with this but am not sure what I think of the “He works 50 hours a week so you should too,” concept. Like you said in another spot, trying to quantify our contributions in minutes is a difficult and dicey thing to do.
For instance: My husband works approx. 40 hours a week and I stay home with the toddler. He is usually happy to pitch in when he’s home, and I typically get a daily nap and lots more time off my feet than he does. So no, I don’t work 40 hours a week like he does. But what about the lonely, sometimes mind-numbingly frustrating component of caring for a negotiating with a toddler all day? Also, I’m pregnant. How do you quantify that contribution to the family (and account for the aches and tiredness that often accompany it)?
Yeah, that’s the problem with quantifying–there’s something uniquely exhausting about caring for toddlers. When you’re in a typical work situation you get adult conversation. When you’re with little kids you don’t, so you really do need some time off just for your mental stability! And when you’re pregnant you’re just so TIRED all the time. That’s why you just have to talk about it, and say, “I really want to put in 100%, but I need some time to rest and rejuvenate, too, so let’s talk about how that can happen.”
I never thought I worked 40+ hours a week either, until I realized that my hours covered SEVEN days, not five like my husbands. If you count Saturday and Sunday’s hours, it adds up pretty fast. I am a SAHM, but have help from my husband and children. My house is pretty clean these days because we are past the messy kids stage. They keep their “dirt” in their own rooms, the rest of the house is free of their clutter.
Susanna, I don’t know if this will help but just to share a personal anecdote: my husband always told me how TIRING it was to be a PhD student. I used to think “He sleeps until 10am, watches an hour of TV with lunch, occasionally gets distracted on Facebook, then does a few more hours of work. Oh, and he gets to do it all at a cool cafe or the cushy library.” And then I pursued a Master’s in philosophy and it was a different kind of tired from standing on my feet teaching ESL all day to 30 junior high school students. Now that we are married, my husband is a professor with a flexible schedule and it’s tempting for me to think he has it easy. I’m 20 weeks pregnant with a 21-month old running around. So I try to remember how draining it was to do research, write, be self-motivated, and read hundreds of pages of material a day. And sometimes he’ll have our daughter for half a day (note the half 🙂 and he looks so haggard afterwards and says I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT. This makes me feel like a superhero.
I don’t know if you can swap jobs for a day in a metaphorical sense. If he typically has an 8-hr day away, working on stuff, maybe you could do the same on a Saturday and have “office” time or if he does something more physically demanding, do physical work for a day. Run errands, etc. He could have your daughter for 8 hours. Maybe give him a bowling ball to wear around his waste to emulate pregnancy (kidding). It’s not an exercise in competition, but it’s an exercise in empathy. Your husband has a different kind of tired, and you have a different kind of tired. And this might give you both appreciation for the demands on your time and bodies. Being pregnant could be a full-time job in itself, and you are doing so much more on top of that!!
Thanks for this post! I work one day a week and stay home the other time with my 16 month old, and I’m 5 months pregnant. I have realized my husband is very willing to help if I just ask him! I have also realized that him helping can sometimes be the same as spending time with our son. I kind of enjoy some quiet time cleaning the kitchen by myself if he will take our son into another room and entertain him, plus I love hearing them spend quality time together. It’s taken me a while to realize all I have to do is ask (specifically) and he is usually more than willing to help.
YES!!! Sometimes we just have to ask really specifically for what we need. I’m like you–I actually like cleaning up my kitchen, too. 🙂
Another great post! I agree with you. . .my house never looks that great because I spend a lot of time with our daughter. My husband is a professor with a very flexible schedule. He also tutors and subs on the side, and I’m stay-at-home (with a toddler and one on the way) who tutors and subs on the side. Because of our flexible schedules, we do a lot of the tips you’ve mentioned and I guess since neither of us are in a 9-5 anymore, it’s easier to divide things up. . .AND to slack off. Because we both have a few part-time jobs, our schedule is different DAILY and from week-to-week. So I’m wondering what practical tips you have for building in work hours and cleaning lists when it seems like their is no regularity!
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Maybe you can have a weekly to-do list that you put up somewhere (like the fridge). You and your husband can each try and do at least one task a day until the list is finished. I’m a PhD student and my schedule is different every day. It’s the only way I get anything done.
There is no single “right” answer to this dilemma. It all depends on your family and situation. For the first 6 years of motherhood, my husband traveled nearly 50% of the month, with some seasons being much more travel. My husband would be home for a weekend. Did I REALLY want him to spend that time doing housework or yardwork or would I rather he spend that time with me and our children? To me, the answer was obvious: with us. Therefore, I managed to get all of it done while he was gone. Housework was often allowed to pile up until Friday (the day he came home), and I did all the cleaning and laundry then. I took care of yardwork by either hiring it out or mowing during naptime, using a baby monitor to check on a sleeping toddler.
My philosophy has been that it is his job to be the financial provider for us. It is my job to keep the house and homeschool the children. While my workday doesn’t end at 5 o’clock, it is filled with less stress than his usually is. I’ve also worked at training the children to help me since they were toddlers. This helped get the work done AND was a delightful mother/child time. Today, the toddlers are teens and they can run the house nearly as efficiently as I can.
I’m a stay at home mom with one 15 month old. My husband is generally happy / willing to help when I specifically ask. But, he wasn’t always that way. He used to think “she naps during the day, why can’t you do it all then?” One thing that I think helped my husband to “get it” was leaving him to care for my daughter for several hours (4+) at a time while I left the house on a weekend.just doing that a couple times and he quickly realized how busy she keeps me! And even though she naps- 1, You can’t do it all then after you take time out to go to the bathroom alone, eat a lunch / snack, possibly shower, etc. And 2, raising a child is mentally / physically tiring and you need a break when she naps too!
I think that is SUCH an important thing–leaving the kids with our husbands for extended periods of time. They need to understand what we go through, and they also need to bond with the kids on their own, without us. So key! And it does help them understand, too. 🙂
Oh, Sheila, you’re one of us – you live in the real world with the rest of us 😀 I love your motto of “If Mama’s working, everybody’s working”!
I’ll give you another one a friend once shared with me: “If you’re doing all the work, you missed your promotion.”
I know it’s really tough with little ones – toddlers and babies – but teach them to share the load. I know, (I REALLY KNOW!) it’s more work at first to have the kids help, but it will pay off in spades later.
We started really small, with things like “Picking up is part of playing”, and have gradually initiated our three boys into all our house and yard routines. I know that’s not addressing the sharing-with-your-husband issue, but I sure wish my husband had learned those things growing up! I’m trying to prepare these three sons of mine for “launch” with skills. I know, they don’t care about things the way I do, but they can all prepare a basic meal, clean up the kitchen, run the laundry, etc.
I know it’s really hard when they’re little, but hang in there 😀
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I am so grateful for the amount of kid-wrangling and other odd jobs my husband does when he’s home! Sometimes other wives of my acquaintance will talk about how their husbands “wonder what they do all day” or are clueless about challenges like shopping with small kids. My husband gets it, and helps wherever he can.
My guy has stayed on his own with our daughter enough to know that she is WORK, and I overheard him tell a male friend once, “Her job is harder than mine.” So thankful. 🙂 <3
One thing I’d like to add if it’s ok, is that you need to ask yourself “is it important to him, or to me that the home be spotless?.”
sometimes we make a huge deal out of it because we assume that he is expecting everything to be perfect when he comes home but in reality all he really cares about is coming home to a happy wife and children, a decent meal, and a reasonably clean/tidy home. for me, I was stressing out about everything being just perfect when he’d walk through the door but I’d be tired and cranky all evening because if one thing got messed up it felt like a huge slap in the face. And the kids would be cranky and needy because I was too focused on the “chores”. One day he finally said, “I don’t care if the house is a little messy. Just relax….”
Everyone is different but that was my scenario
Great thoughts, Rose! Sometimes we really do put too much pressure on ourselves.
When I first became a stay-at-home mom, I felt that I needed to take care of everything in the home because my husband worked so many hours outside of the home. I later found out that my husband wasn’t expecting this. Because of this, I really think your first point about talking as a couple is key.
For some couples, the best solution isn’t for both spouses to contribute “equal” amounts. We all have different interests, gifts, and capabilities. I believe this should influence how we divide up chores. For example, it would make sense for me to track our spending because I do most of the shopping, but my husband is better with numbers and spreadsheets, so he does this. He also often helps with laundry on the weekends because he doesn’t mind this task. Many would say that I should be able to keep up with the laundry on my own, but sometimes all the laundry I’m capable of keeping up with on weekdays is our cloth diapers.
We’ve discussed it and we know this works for us. What works for us may not work for the next couple, though, so this is why talking about it is so important.
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Absolutely agree! Talking is key, and how things are divided up really is so individual. The main thing is to keep talking so that one person doesn’t feel like they’re bearing too much of the burden. And then figure out what works best for you so you both feel like you have some time to yourself–and some time together!
I’m a stay-at-home mom and I take care of all the housework because my husband has so many things to do already. He spends 40+ hours at work every week, and then there are things around the house that need to be done and I either can’t do or don’t do (like fixing our vehicles, handyman activities, and lawn-mowing).
If I expected my husband to do laundry or dishes or bathe the kids too, I’d never get any time with him. So I do the routine housework, make the meals, feed and bathe the kids, and so on in order to have time to relax together each evening and allow time for my husband to work on outdoor chores and fixing up the property and house.
I make it a goal to have the house in decent shape, with clutter picked up, dishes clean, laundry done, and something good available to eat, by the time my husband gets home in the evening. Then we eat dinner and have family time or work on a project, I get the kids in bed while my husband unwinds, and we relax together with a movie or reading together or talking or whatever until bedtime.
Of course, it varies occasionally. If we’re having a lazy Saturday and my husband isn’t working on a big project, he may wash some dishes or put a load in the washer for me, just to help out. But generally speaking, I do all the housework, child care, and cooking, and I still don’t do as much work as my husband usually does. So I certainly have no room to complain about our division of labor.
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Nanny is not you maid/ slave. Or domestic worker, if that’s more PC. Actually in ancient Greece and Rome you had general household slaves and kiddy minding slaves. They didn’t even expect the slaves to look after the kids and do the housework. Ditto Brittian. That’s why a household had a housekeeper. To manage your scullery maids, general maids, ladies maids, nanny, governess, butler, footman, gardener(s), stable boys ect. depending on the time period and the size of the estate/ house. There’s a reason people had that many servants.
Don’t expect your nanny to clean the house. Your nanny is there to watch the kids. Not the house. If you want your nanny to teach your kids to do chores, that would get some of the house work done. But that needs to be in the contract. Don’t be an horrible employer that writes one contract and then yells at your employee because they didn’t do all these other things that aren’t in the contract.
Just curious. What did people cover in pre-marital counseling? My fiancé and I talked about chores and stuff pretty early in our relationship. We’ve talked about it again in pre-marital counseling. I’ve seen at least 3 pre-marital counseling “curricula” and chores and gender roles are always on there.
I totally agree about the nanny! I always felt sorry for the nannies working for that family. And the weird thing was that this couple was actually very nice and generous. They just were overworked and wanted someone to pick up all the slack. It was sad.
I think a lot of people don’t really do much pre-marital counseling. And many people may say, “I’m fine doing most of the housework if I stay at home”, but they don’t really define what that would look like. It all comes down to keeping talking about it!
Shame. I can identify with feeling overwhelmed. I can’t imagine having two people in residency (which I imagine is just as crappy and demanding as grad school) and having a child.
The question then becomes, why not?? Is it not commonly available? Is it not effective? Is there still some social stigma attached to counseling that I’m not aware of? Marriage is such a huge decision. I realize you can’t prepare fully for the actual thing. But shouldn’t you try your very best to be prepared? Shouldn’t churches and youth groups go out of their way to encourage good dating practices, pre-marital counseling and marriage and communication classes? Why isn’t it a thing?
I agree with you that family is probably at the core of a large number of social issues. Better families = better society. So it seems like the church should spend a lot of effort to disciple and grow families. Why isn’t it happening. And how can we make it better?
My wife and I made a decision when she got pregnant (on our honeymoon!) that she would be a stay at home mum. I worked long hours, often till quite late at night. We rarely got into any arguments but it seemd to work that she did the regular housework and I did all the yard work and any indoor work such as changing light bulbs, fixing leaking faucets, painting and the like. I encouraged her to go out with her friends, but it happened infrequently. Then I looked after our daughter and our son. At the weekends we worked together to care for the children and, since my wife cannot drive, do all the shopping we had to do on Saturdays or evenings. I generally loaded and unloaded the dishwasher and we shared any manual disdwashing.
Now that we are retired I do most of the housework and all the yardwork. We share the cooking and preparation for it and clean up afterwards.
It works for us and we are very happy together. She is still my dream girl come true.
I’m a stay at home wife–no kids. I do some very part-time work from home on the computer, but mostly I stay quite busy with housework, cooking, grocery shopping, making my own cleaners, etc. Some days, my feet start aching and I realize that the only time I’ve been off them is to sit down a few minutes to eat. My husband was a spoiled only child who was never expected to lift a finger. Seriously, he doesn’t remember ever taking out the trash when he lived with his parents! We both take the trash out now though. He’s willing to help with things; he just doesn’t know how, because of how he was raised. It doesn’t help that I’m rather picky about certain things. So if he asks if he can help fold towels, I usually tell him that he’d be a bigger help if he would go through his junk mail pile. That kind of solution has worked ok for us so far.
Great reminder, Ashley, to watch how we raise our boys! I know so many households where the girls are taught to help out, and the boys get away with not doing very much.
You know, I’ve been a stay at home mom, homeschool mom, work from home mom…and now all three. When it comes to the house, I did pick up a lot of the responsibility for the chores, because at the start, my husband was in school and working two jobs. I didn’t want him to do housework because it took away from his time with the kids. That took up 5 years of our marriage, because of his schooling.
Once he got out of school and the kids were older, we have adopted the mindset that it is everyone’s job to keep the house clean. Sure, I have things that I usually take care of, and he has things that are his main chores, and the kids have their main chores. We have doled out the chores so that everything gets taken care of, and it isn’t any one person’s responsibility.
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That’s great, Keelie! And I agree–I always thought the priority when my husband was so busy was that he spend time with the kids. I’m glad that season of life is over, too!
Shelia I love this! Our situation is a little unique and certainly new to us. My husband works full (plus) time at the business we are blessed to own. I work part time and together we are foster parents. We do not yet have children of our own, so when we “suddenly” had two young children running around our home beginning a few months ago, we had a lot of learning to do! My “work” goal is generally very consistent with what you described. If I have time when I’m not working outside of the home or truley parenting and my hubby is still at work, I try to use that time to do housework. Whatever is left at the end of the day/week we do together. If he plays video games I rest too. This balance seems to work so well – we both get to rest and we feel a mutual respect for all of the different types of work each of us takes on. Defining “work” like you suggested has helped me keep from feeling guilty that I am home part time but still can’t keep up with the house on my own.
I’m glad you found it helpful, Taylor! I think keeping up with the house is always hard–for everyone. But you sound like you guys have good communication and a good team ethic, so you’ll figure it out.
That’s WONDERFUL that you guys are foster parenting! Kudos to you! What an amazing ministry. I pray that God richly blesses you for it.
My hubby and I struggle here because of family of origin and personality differences. I am the neat freak, so the mess drives me insane and is my number one trigger for depression. But his mom was responsible for all the housework even though his dad worked from home and with all boys, they trashed the place and she couldn’t keep up since she worked full time outside the house. Their house was (okay, still is, to be honest) disgusting, so mess doesn’t bother my hubby one bit! I work from home and stay at home with the kids, and I simply cannot keep up right now. I have had to let things go of A LOT since our third is a terribly high needs toddler and some days (like today) are considered a success if the only thing I got done was locating and eradicating the source of the terrible stench in the kitchen. (Today was one of those days.)
The biggest break through for me is that I just am going to have to ask my husband to do certain tasks every. single. time. Doling out chore assignments doesn’t work; he doesn’t think to do them because the mess doesn’t bother him so it doesn’t occur to him to clean anything. I have learned how to ask politely and appreciatively though, not nagging or belittling. It helps. He wants to help but doesn’t see the need, so I have to very plainly tell him what I need. And for my own mental health, I need his help right now. I cannot keep up on my own, even if I wanted to do it all.
I’m stumped on the “work hours” idea here though. We have a first grader, 4 year old, and a nursing 17 month old with some developmental delays. I am currently “working” 17 hour days and also getting up to nurse in the middle of the night, with weekends being even MORE work. I don’t know how to get time off… I try to leave for a few hours on Saturdays but even then I feel inadvertently “punished” because my hubby isn’t used to cleaning as he goes like I am so I come home to even more housework.
It is just a very discouraging season for me (and to be fair, my kids have been rotating illnesses for the past 3 weeks and I am WEARY, so perhaps I am overdramatizing). I suppose that is what I need to remember most: this is just a season. At least on the housework front, it won’t always be this hard. When the kids are all in school, it will be easier. (Kuddos to you home schoolers.) They will be older and can help more. But for now we are in survival mode… And my house proves it.
Hi kay,
Just an idea… Maybe instead of you leaving on saturdays, you can send hubby away with the kids to do something fun or visit grandparents or whatever… Then you could spend some of that time cleaning up the house uniterupted and some more time to relax.
I feel for you. My hubby is also messier than me, i love to have the things cleaned up my way… So i prefer him take the kids away. He is great with them doing all sorts of fun, going to the pool, beach, zoo, park, grandma’s… And i get a break! I homeschool a 5, 3 and 1 year old. The one year old challenging me with being a fearless adventurer. She started moving fast at 5 months and keeps me on my toes ever since. Also stil night nursing. You are not alone!
Oh, Kay, I’m sorry you’re so tired! Sickness is awful. And nursing takes so much out of you!
It is just a season!
I love the suggestion another commenter made about getting some time alone at home. Maybe that’s what you really need! But asking for very specific help is also so great, and such a good habit in marriage–to be upfront.
You WILL get through this. You really will.
Love the part about involving kids! I have a very young 1 yr old (she just turned 1 a month ago!) and a 3 year old. They both still like doing chores. The 1 year old helps me empty the dishwasher (she hands me things, very fast, lol) and she’s responsible for putting her own bib in the laundry. She also pushes the wet clothes into the dryer. The 3 year old is SUPER helpful. If anyone had told me just how helpful a 3 year old would be, I probably would have laughed, but it’s so true! She makes her own bed (it’s messy, but it works), picks up her toys with prompting, can do the silverware basket by herself, clears her place, loads the dishwasher, puts her laundry in the laundry basket and then in the washer if I start it for her. She carries bags for me, helps unload the groceries and put them away, etc. etc. etc. It’s amazing! She’s SUPER close to dressing herself too which will be a huge help.
In our family, my husband’s main job is to earn money, and mine is to raise children. We fit in the rest around that! We pretty much split the cleaning, as in, whoever gets to it first… does it. 🙂 I do most of the cooking. He does a lot of yardwork. I wash/dry the laundry most of the time, and he folds it and puts it away. This isn’t really on purpose… it just works for us! I also work part time from home. So my priorities are: 1) raising our kids right, and 2) my part-time job, followed by 3) housework. Definitely not the top priority for us. But the house is pretty clean anyway and it works for us. 🙂
That’s great, Elizabeth! I always found my kids loved chores when they were really little, too. So I harnessed it and taught them when they were young, and then it was easier to get them to do things when they were older and could honestly be a big help!
I’m a stay at home mom of two young boys. For a long time my husband would question why the house wasn’t cleaner since I was “home all day” and had “plenty of time”. I tried to explain I was doing my best (it wasn’t like our house was a total pit but it had room for improvement) and needed understanding more than I needed added pressure, and that it was more difficult than it seemed to try to do housework with the kids there. Then he went on a six week disability leave, and a week in said to me “I see what you’re saying now.” Him getting to see that relieved a lot of the tension regarding the house for us at the time.
The way I see it, the kids are only going to be little for a relatively short time. Soon they’ll be grown, and will move out. Then I’ll have the rest of my life to have a perfect, spotless house. In the meantime, enjoying my kids is a bigger priority. Perfection can wait. It’s not like we qualify for an episode or Hoarders or anything like that. 😉
That’s what I always said, too, Melissa! I spent so much time reading to my kids and doing outings with my kids, and the floors weren’t always mopped. But looking back, they will both tell you that they had such a FUN childhood. Really fun.
Is there a way to get this booking my Kobo? My phone has my Kobo account linked to it, so I can catch a few minutes here and there to read. I love your wisdom and grace, Sheila. Thanks for being a big help in my life and marriage!
Thank you so much for your encouragement! You sure should be able to, but let me just email my publisher and I’ll let you know for sure!
Thanks, Sheila! I’ve searched both your name, and the title of the book on my Kobo account and neither come up…hopefully it’s a glitch with the app on my phone!
Um, yeah, I run our household, pay the bills, run errands, homeschool, work our farm, and I have several at-home businesses. Hubby works 40 hours a week. I work before Sun up to well after the sun goes down and the household is asleep. I work 7 days a week.
I do ALL the housework and childcare, and 90% of the yard work, home repairs, and farm repairs/chores.
Apparently, bringing in an actual paycheck exempts men from lifting a finger at home.
At least he acknowledges that I work my butt off!!
I have to say that this was like seeing fireworks for the first time! It certainly is nice to know that my Husband is not the only one saying certain things to me. One thing that stood out was the example of the Husband that asked his wife to grade papers and do his job for him since she was asking him to do work at home. My Husband says that all the time and throws it in my face about how hard it is to go to work every day. What he doesn’t realize is just how hard a 4 hour trip daily to take him to work and come back because his license is suspended really is. On top of that by the time I get home it is close to lunch and nap time for my daughter who sleeps up until the older kids get home and then it’s time to go back out and do another 2 hr trip to pick my husband up. And trust me when I say there is no other mode of transportation for him because public transportation costs too much since he’d have to take several forms. My Husband will say mean things like that to me but eventually gets to what I am asking him to do and does it half way. For instance if I ask him to do the dishes (which he did previously agree that he had no problem doing) he’ll let them sit and build. So by the time he gets to them there are so many that can’t all fit in the dishwasher at once. So he’ll put one load in the dishwasher and let the rest soak in nasty water until I eventually end up doing them all because he doesn’t complete the job. What he doesn’t understand is that even though he ends up doing the jobs I ask (mostly just the dishes and trash) his words still hurt because he is basically saying that I do nothing all day and is not showing support of the work that I do.
The other example I liked was the work hours. If he works so many then I should work so many and rightfully so. Unfortunately my days end up being longer because the begin when I wake up and end when the kids go to sleep because of the fact that he demands his time right when he gets home even if I decide to work through my “lunch/nap break” so to speak. Sometimes I do get computer/tv time during nap time or am lucky enough to fall asleep and get rested up and still resent him for it and I need to remember that at least on those days I did get some time to myself and I need to be happy with that which is something I need to work on. Needless to say I cannot wait for the book to come in and appreciate having something like this to read!
I loved reading this because I can totally relate to drowning in housework! I’m a full time SAHM with 2 very active little boys. I made a weekly cleaning list, and a daily cleaning list, and I try really hard to check everything off the list. But let’s be honest, sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Some days I’m overloaded with dishes on every surface of my counters (no dishwasher, but hopefully soon we will get one!). Some days, the laundry is piled up in every corner of the house. Some days, there’s pee on my floor from my little boy who has trouble aiming sometimes.? I try to enlist my sons in cleaning up their messes and only playing in the living room or their room which minimizes getting toys in my “space”. 🙂
As moms, we have to remember that our kids come first! I know my boys won’t remember how spotless our house is, nor will they care (though that’s not an excuse for being lazy and just letting stuff pile up!), but I want them to have lots of good memories of us playing together, going for walks, reading, and snuggling. I want to be a mom worthy of being remembered, not a mom who was too busy with perfecting a house that will just get messed up again tomorrow!
My husband is also really good about helping out, and if anything is bothering me or stressing me out, he is quick to help. He’s also very interactive with our sons, and is helpful with changing diapers, cleaning the kids up, or even fixing dinner sometimes. We share the load and help each other out, and that’s the way it should be. 🙂
We’ve been married 21 years, have 7 children, homeschool, and are ALWAYS home. When our first son was born, I got to leave my job (that I really did not want to begin with.) It was my goal to never go back to a job. I wanted my husband to be thrilled that I was home serving him and the children.
We have a very traditional division of labor: I keep the inside and he keeps the outside and cars. I help him when he needs extra hands and he does the maintenance and repairs inside when the task is beyond my ability. There have been times when I start to feel sorry for myself, thinking that he has all the freedoms and does not help out with the house and children enough. But then I put it all in perspective and remember that he is out working to provide for our family and the least I can do is make his home a place of peace to retreat to each evening. Life’s not fair and marriage is not a 50/50 deal. I have chosen to give my all to serving Christ by serving my husband.
This was a grat read. My husband and I go through who should do what all the time – he works full time and I go to school full time. One thing that has helped us is that we both have set chores, no matter who is working at the time. I keep the animals fed and the litter box cleaned, he makes sure the trash is taken out every night, if needed. It has been a big help, because we are able to divide up the rest of the work between us, depending on how the week is going.
I am so blessed to have a husband that values the role of a mother and homemaker. I feel like I GET to do all of the housework. My husband works very hard to allow me that opportunity. I know a lot of men would prefer the extra money, but my husband has given me the wonderful gift of freedom to be home with my children. I certainly would not expect him to come home after being gone all day and spend his time at home working more. I want him to come home, and be able to rest and relax with the family. I don’t HAVE to do all the housework, I GET to do all the housework. And I am proud to have taught myself how to do it, and to become good at what I do. I guess after being in both positions, previously working and trying to do it all, and now getting to be home with my children, I have learned to appreciate the gift I have been given. I am so grateful that God has taught me how to be thankful.
Great article. Finding time to do chores are just hard in general for our family. I’m a stay at home mom. We have 4 kids ages 5, 4, 2, and 1 month old. I’m nursing the baby all the time, homeschooling the oldest, and we have 2 dogs in the mix too!! I am on “go” pretty much all day every day with the exception that I occasionally crash and get an hour nap in during nap time. But I guess for us it’s hard to deem what is down time? Is it down time when I’m nursing, because I get to check my Facebook and emails? Is it downtime for my husband when he gets time to himself on his 2 hour commute each way to work?? I’m not sure!! Generally, I TRY cleaning what I can, and request help with larger tasks on the weekends by the hubby. But we are either cleaning instead having family time, or running errands on weekends(because I can’t go out with all 4 to the post office and grocery store), or things simply don’t get done:( For example: switching out the seasons and sizes of clothing for all the kids right now as we head into fall/winter. We’ve been saying we need to do that for a month, but alas we haven’t been able to yet. My husband and I neither of us get down time because we are in a busy season of life. We’ve accepted our kitchen will always have dirty dishes, and laundry rarely makes it into the closet now. But, that’s life in this moment for us. It’s not laziness, bad planning, or prioritizing…..it’s just busy.
I think most of it comes down to being organized. There really is enough time to do the necessary jobs. I have a toddler and a baby. I do all the cooking, all the housekeeping chores (laundry, etc.), handle finances, take care of our pigs and chickens, and raise a lot of our food in a big garden. I figure my daughter is around me all day; I read to her and talk to her a lot; she has lots of toys. She doesn’t need a bunch of organized activities. That may change as she gets older, and of course every family has different priorities. But I suggest creating an ironclad weekly chore routine, learning to work fast, and reevaluating exactly what needs to be done and what outside activities you love enough to justify the time, money, and energy you’re putting into them.
Great advice!
Hi! While reading through these comments I realized that while my situation is somewhat unique, it’s becoming less and less “frowned upon” by society and, especially, other mothers. I work 40-50 hours a week outside the home, doing work that I love, and am an online student working towards my Master’s in Social Work with an endorsement in Infant/Toddler Mental Health. I love what I do! I miss my home and family while I’m away at work, of course, but I am not a lover a housekeeping. My husband is the primary caretaker of our 10 month old son. We had A LOT of unwelcome advice pour in from well-meaning family and friends (and coworkers and colleagues!) that mostly amounted to “this is abnormal – baby needs mommy most!” I am putting my husband and I through school, along with some financial aid and scholarships, so that I can work in the field I am called to, and he can be licensed professional so that he can set his own schedule and focus on the hobbies that may not garner a ton of income for us, but are what makes him happy and me happy to watch him do! I love your blog because it has helped me accept that I am still a stellar wife and mom despite despising vacuuming and every other domestic duty! We have a chore list that divvies up the household duties logically – the things that take longer to do and require a taller person to do them go to my husband. Dishes, starting laundry, and gathering trash to be taken out goes to me, since I can do those pretty quickly before I go to work. It used to drive me nuts that my husband wouldn’t just take care of things as needed. I figured out that if I just ask him to do it, or put it on a chore list, he will always do the chore! He just needs to be guided a little bit, and he will complete tasks more often than what I do notice but always procrastinate on. Anyway, every family has a different situation. Every woman may not enjoy being a stay at home mom, and that’s okay! Fortunately for me, I have a husband that doesn’t mind it at all, and I will be able to support us 🙂
Thank you! I’ve been married for nearly 11 years. We have fought almost every day of our relationship about the house work and duties of raising kids(and when we aren’t fighting we are holding a lot of resentment). We split up a few years ago and were separated for a year and a half and when we got back together things were good… for a little while, but now they are as bad as ever. We have three kids the (9,3,&8mo) and I think about leaving everyday. I homeschool also and my husband’s solution is to send the kids to school so I have more time to clean the house. We went to marriage counseling for awhile and the councillor said that maybe being a house wife and homeschooler just wasn’t for me. After reading this post I bought your book. I’ve changed and I’ve changed and I’ve changed and it’s just not getting better. I got to the point in your book where it says something about you can’t change other people only yourself… in my head I yelled at you “what more do you want from me!” I really have nothing left to give. But I kept reading, and I’m glad I did! Change in the past had been doing more, more for the kids, more for my husband, letting go of his disrespect and quietly serving him in love anyways, the more I love him the more miserable I become, the lazier he gets, the less time I have for my kids, the less outside relationships I have, the less time I have with God… I’ve been changing the wrong way for 11 years! Thank you, for the first time someone really addressed the issue for me, the underwear on the floor isn’t as trivial as it sounds. I felt ridiculous when we went to marriage counseling because she made the issues seem so trivial, they aren’t, I’ve cried and agonized over these trivial issues for so long, never being good enough, never being loved and respected and never really knowing how to change to be happy, because the way I was changing before definitely wasn’t bringing me happiness. Your book is life changing! I can’t tell you thank you enough!
Thanks for the great post and the advice! I totally agree that the household chores should be a responsibility for both parties. I am a working mother, and at first when I had to go to work there was great chaos and the house was always dirty and neglected. But after I made it clear that we’re all in this together and there will have to be some equality, things started to change a little. Now we both have our list of chores and everything is fine.
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Great advice! I am a stay-at-home​ mom of a 2 year old and a 9 month old. They are a lot of work, and it feels like I’m cleaning up after a tornado all day. I’m trying to teach my 2 year old to clean up after herself and it has been a very trying time but she’s making progress. My husband works part time and he’s home on the weekends. He helps out with the babies and household duties when he can but lately he has had some health issues that make it impossible for him to do the simplest tasks. I feel like I have 3 babies and I’m so worn down after the day is done and I feel like I’m getting bitter and easily agitated. I don’t want to be this way, I used to be the lady always smiling with lots of energy and now I’m always in a state of exhaustion. Please pray for me!
I read this and it said to talk to your husband. I just dont know im at rhe point of, no your place if it clauses more headaches or problems then it’s better to just keep you mouth shut. If you can talk till your blue in the face but it doesn’t change. Why waste the breath. Lifes not that long then you die. Just find the little things that can make you smile and survive life for as long as you can. We have 3 girls 7yr 13month younger 6yr old and 11month younger 5yr old the last was very complicated by the time i had her my pelvice was broken it took 2yrs to heal. this year is the first year they are all in school we have 1car he take it for work so I’m kinda stuck at home with the walls closing in around me. I don’t have friends no more they faded out as I had the kids. He works construction it’s hard work. But he will not take out trash, put a dish in the sink, his clothes is my job to gather from the floor etc. There has been times that I have been in tears begging for help to get caught up with the apt. He has told me “it’s not his job, he works 8-9 hrs if I got off my lazy ass and put in house work what he works there wouldn’t be a problem. Or fine he’ll do the house work when I get a job at the same $20hr he makes. I got with him when I was 19yr got my GED and worked fast food till the kids. Now I’m in my 30’s I live in a state that starting wage is min $7.25 with my experience I’ve finally got offered $8.50 to start I can’t just go out and make his wage. He knows it to be cause if I get to the point of giving up for a day on house cleaning he makes it very clear it’s his money and I won’t get a penny when he leaves cause if I won’t keep the apt clean another will. And he knows I can’t afford him leaving I’ll be at the shelter with my girls once the next month’s rents due.
Amber, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and it really sounds like a very terrible situation. Is there a mentor couple that you can talk to? A church that you can belong to where you can get good people around you to tell him that this is wrong? Or where you can get some support? It really does sound like you need some, so I just hope that you can get plugged in to a good community where you’ll have some support. I’m so sorry!
I agree with this too. I’m a stay at home mom and my husband works during the day but I’m up in the morning watching our kids, we have 3 girls. I cook, clean, do laundry, do stuff for our girls, get them fedd, ready for bed baths I DO IT ALL! And every time I ask him to do anything he says that I’m just running mouth and he’s tired and I don’t work. Being a SAHM is a job it’s a 24/7 job!! I have insomnia so I don’t get much sleep at night and still get up in the morning with the same routine. I can’t drive so I don’t get to get out of the house and wen I tell him I want a girl night out he always pulls the ” So you don’t want to spend time with me card”. I’m tired all the time, I stay sick, and I still have to do what I have to and get no help. But if he’s tired or don’t feel good then he gets mad when I’m not up his butt or doing what he wants. If I don’t feel good it doesn’t matter how tired I am or bad I feel I’m still stuck doing EVERYTHING! I’ve tried talking. It don’t do any good. I don’t know what else to do. I’m tired of feeling like a single parent. And nothing but a house wife and nothing really more…….