Marrying later in life can be such a blessing!
It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can comment or link up your own marriage post. Today I bring you a story about God’s timing with marrying later in life from my good friend Anita Ellis.
Anita was one of the first people I got to know when I first moved to my small town. She was about my age, and we served on a praise team together at our church. Anita was always laughing, always putting others at ease, and always finding the way through the tension when different musicians started to disagree.
She’s a schoolteacher, and had an amazing way with kids. They all adored her (including my own).
But she was single. It didn’t seem to bother her, but I always wondered if she would have rather been married.
Then, a few years ago, she announced that she had met someone online. And before we knew it she had up and moved to the southern United States from cold Canada! And it is such FUN to watch her on Facebook, and to see how happy she and Richard are together. We’ve visited when they came up to say hello, and I hope to see her one day when I speak down there.
I’ve written a lot lately about the benefits of marrying young, but I thought it may be time for a different perspective. And so I asked my friend Anita to write about what it’s like to marry later in life.
I remember being asked, as a girl, when I expected to marry.
“When I’m 99,” was my reply.
I don’t think I was being flippant; I was full of plans for the future. Marriage was just never a goal for me. I saw it as something that might happen along my life’s path, but not a destination in my journey. When my siblings and most of my friends all married within months of me acquiring my teacher’s certificate, I began to wonder if perhaps I had been gifted with prophesy as a child!
As it turns out, my “prediction” was off by 56 years. At the age of 43, I stepped away from my contented single life in Canada to marry an American, and move to Arkansas, a place I would not have been able to find on a map a few years before.
Some advantages to marrying later in life
I refer to my husband as “my life’s biggest surprise”. I never really expected to marry, and certainly never considered living anywhere but in my beloved Canada, until God tangled my life’s path with Ricci’s. And though I catch myself saying things like, “I wish we had met years ago, so that I could have loved you longer,” I know that when we met, fell in love and married were the perfect time for that. God ‘s hand was very evident to us in bringing us together. There are no regrets here. The way I see it, there are several advantages to marrying later.
When You Marry Later You Know Yourself
It amazes me to see couples marry in their early 20’s. I don’t doubt their love, or their ability to make their marriage work.
My reaction stems from the fact that I was nowhere near ready for marriage at that age. I needed to explore my own potential before I could share myself with someone else. Taking some time to be on my own gave me the opportunity to test my limits, to challenge myself, to fail, to develop resourcefulness and independence. I learned to treasure friendships, value solitude, know God as my partner.
When I look back on who I was in my 20’s, I realize that I didn’t really know myself. I was trying to figure out who I was. I needed to come to a place where I accepted myself before I could open up my heart to someone else. It just took me longer than most!
I am still a work in progress, but the fact is I know who I am a lot better than I did in my 20’s. No doubt, this is partly due to being in my 40’s. I am more comfortable in my own skin, less concerned about what others might think, and know what I want and need so much better than I did in my 20s. I know that I can manage on my own, but am so thankful that I now walk hand in hand with someone who not only values my independence, but encourages me to continue to grow and explore new opportunities. Maturity has brought me a healthier outlook on life and the ability to contribute to our relationship in a positive way.
When You Marry Later You Get a Greater Appreciation for Marriage
Being single into my 40s meant that I needed to learn to take care of most things myself. Good thing I was independent! I was happy to limit my home repair achievements to some minor victories over leaky toilets and furniture assembly, leaving the rest to my handyman.
I juggled all of the responsibilities of being a home owner, busy teacher, involved church member, friend and family member, on my own. I didn’t complain; that’s just how life was. But when I married, suddenly there was someone else there to share in the daily stuff of life. We each bring our abilities and strengths to the daily grind. He can fix things, loves to work out in the yard (I still do a happy dance over that one), is great at managing finances and doesn’t blink when dealing with the encroachment of nature in the house. (Why, why, why are the insects so large in Arkansas?)
I cook, keep us organized, do a lot of the cleaning and spare him from having to set foot inside a grocery store, which apparently puts me in the category of a minor superhero. When we have tasks that are a bit onerous, when we’ve had a long day, we share the load. I think we have a deeper appreciation for what each of us contributes to our life together because we spent years trying to manage everything on our own.
Marrying Later Gave Me More Realistic Expectations
Being single for my 20’s and 30’s allowed me to get a better handle on my expectations in life. While once upon a time I may have hoped Prince Charming might eventually sweep me off to some deliriously blissful existence, having to manage on my own taught me that along with the bliss comes a whole lot of ordinary and a sprinkling of pain. As I navigated the highs and lows of my journey, I came to understand more clearly that it’s easy to share joy, but it takes a special person to stick with you through the mundane and the pain.
Maturity means that Ricci and I didn’t get caught up in unrealistic expectations of what this relationship would bring. Oh, he definitely swept me off my feet, but I didn’t expect him to complete me. I was a complete person already, though he has added so much more to my life than I could ever have imagined.
I didn’t expect married life to be all roses and Hallmark cards. We talked a lot, about everything, during our courtship. The same could not be said for when I was younger, when I was acutely aware of my failings and didn’t want anyone to know how horribly flawed I was. Now in our “middle years”, we knew what life was like, and that we needed to be sure about each other if we were to consider sharing our lives together; retirement and old age are a lot closer when you’re in your 40’s than when you’re in your 20’s! We were real with each other, at times brutally honest. We asked tough questions. We challenged each other. We prayed together. We laughed and played games together. We shared in the everyday normal stuff of life whenever we could.
Marrying Later Gave Me a Healthier Perspective
Maturity has also provided me with perspective that I would not have had twenty years ago.
I had braced myself for impact when we married, thinking of all of the stories and comments I had heard over the years from friends and family with regards to adjusting to married life.
But our transition into marriage was surprisingly smooth. We didn’t get caught up in all of the little stuff that friends assured us was so annoying. Yes, I usually have to mop up after he has done the dishes and extract his “I can still wear that” laundry from our bathroom linen closet. No, he hasn’t fully bought into “fiber is your friend”, either. But then, I’m sure that my tendency to leave my “I will deal with that later” piles on the table or continual attempts to introduce strange vegetables and foreign dishes into the menu stretch him a little too. And let’s face it, if he didn’t check up on our rather parched house plants now and then, they would be enjoying the plant afterlife in our compost pile.
The truth is, maturity has given us the gift of seeing the bigger picture, and not sweating the small stuff. At this stage in life, we have a better idea of what is really worth fighting for (or over).
We also have a keen awareness of the fragility of life. I’m not entirely sure when my joints started making those weird creaking noises, but it is my treacherous eyesight that has become my preoccupation lately. When did manufacturers start to make the eye of needles so small? Retirement savings are now very much a priority. Proper nutrition and exercise are growing concerns as we realize these bodies need care to stand the test of time, in the face of obvious signs of aging in our parents.
That youthful gift of the sense of invulnerability has been replaced with an appreciation of “today”. While we still eagerly make dreams and plans for the future, we are mindful that tomorrow holds few guarantees. This perspective has resulted in an attitude of gratitude in our marriage, of making the moments count, and of pouring the most we can into each other.
Marrying Later Helped Me Achieve Financial Know-How
Some people are naturally very good at managing money; I am not one of those individuals!
It was a long, hard road for me in my 20’s trying to keep my head above water financially. I had student loans, a car loan, credit card debt, living expenses and only a few sticks of used furniture to my name when I graduated from university; my starting salary only stretched so far.
Starting out in my career demanded so much of my time, energy and resources, there was little left for anything, or anyone, else. It took me years to be able to afford to fully furnish my little apartment and to establish myself in my career. There is much to be said for job security and less debt.
Marrying later in life meant that we were both in a more stable place, financially. This is not at all to mean that we have money to burn, rather, we manage it much more effectively than we did in our younger adult years. We are better equipped, now, to handle those unexpected expenses that pop up. Currently, we are living on one salary while I am a full time master’s student. There is not a lot of extra money to go around, but we are in a much more secure place than we would have been 20+ years ago.
A not-so-late bloomer?
Each of us has a unique journey through this life. My own involved marrying quite a bit later than most, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I know that everything was all in God’s good timing, and nothing I experienced came as a surprise to Him. I don’t look back and wonder why it took me so very long to be ready and to find Ricci. When I look back on my life’s path, I see God’s hand leading and directing me forward in His plan for me. Marriage was a part of that plan, and it has been such a blessing.
It’s been a blessing to stand on the sidelines and watch God work in Anita’s life, too!
All of this is to say that there isn’t a perfect time to get married–there’s only God’s time. I think in our wider culture we discourage early marriages too much. But perhaps in our Christian culture we make people feel badly if they don’t marry early. I do think we need to raise kids to be ABLE to marry young–but let’s never assume that that is God’s plan for everyone. God’s timing is great, and ultimately it’s all about Him.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This is such a great post because you don’t really get to hear these stories that much. Thanks for sharing!
Glad you enjoyed it!
This is beautiful! Just beautiful. I got married at 26. Not too old, not too young. However, every woman in my family had married before the age of 18 (my mom was just 17 when she married). My gran was 16. My cousin 18. So, I was considered to be such an old maid. But, really – I would not change anything in all the world. My path that I have walked was definitely the right way to go for me. And I think that is key – we are all different, and God has different plans for each of us. There is no right time to marry – there is only God’s time, His will and His way. And at the end of the day, that is all that really matters~!
🙂
“There’s only God’s time.” Amen! And coming to terms with God’s timing is probably the biggest lesson we will learn this side of heaven.
I got married at 30. Not super old, but definitely not as young as I imagined. And I will say that it doesn’t seem like the church knows how to deal with single women. I visited a lot of churches, and none of them had a place for me. I was too old for the College and Career group, but all the women’s groups beyond that were focused on being a wife and mother. I eventually helped start a group of single 20-somethings, and I eventually got married and joined a wife and mother group. But I still feel for single women in the church. It’s easy to feel left out.
You know you are right. At my church almost all the activities are married ladies.
I have a single friend I wanted to invite to one of our ladies nights and I realized that she would be the only single person there and wondered if she would fit in.
Even our mixed gender small group is all married couples.
And, I don’t even know any single men.
My church has been wanting me to start a small group. Right now I am dealing with some other things. But this is one idea I will keep in mind in the future. But, in my case, I think it will be focused on any age. Just women fulfilling God’s purpose for their lives in ways unrelated to being wives and mothers.
That’s a great idea, TBG! My mom loves her small group of women of all ages and marital statuses. It’s the best small group she’s ever been in!
So true, Rachel. And I’m not very good at filling in that gap myself.
I’m 33 (34 in a couple months) and am close to getting married. I’m so grateful to have been part of a church that does a slightly better job than most churches in treating single women like fully participating members of a congregation, but it is a HUGE problem. Not all women will marry or have children, and it’s really a shame when ALL the resources of a church that are aimed at women are dealing with marriage and the raising of kids. The real problem, IMO, is seeing women as generic avatars of their stage in life rather than as Christians first, and then students and wives and mothers and workers and friends after that. Women need training in how to study the scriptures, how to pray, how to know God more deeply and follow Christ more closely, not just trite little lessons about wifehood (which don’t even apply to all wives, much less all women) or Ten Easy Steps To Be a Better Mom. Not that practicalities don’t matter, but we are Christians first.
Hear, hear! I didn’t even meet my husband until I was almost 31, and it seemed like the norm in the Christian circles that I grew up in was to get married right out of college. It really did seem like the church didn’t know what to do with people like me. And I hear similar things from friends of mine who attend other churches and are still single as we approach our mid-30s. I’m glad to see an article with such a positive approach to marrying later. God knows that the ladies who finish their 20s without a husband, and especially not by choice, need it.
Thank you for posting this. I have been working on a similar post myself. There are so many “when you marry young, you learn…” and “benefits of marrying young” blog posts out there – and honestly, as a woman who married at 29, I sometimes feel that these are a but hurtful. I have seem those who marry young compare themselves to little adults, growing up quickly, while their single counterparts were just remaining immature teenagers. Truth is, I had to grow up too – pay my bills, learn to budget, make mistakes, find a job, etc – but I did it alone. I think learning to be a grown up by myself has helped me be a better wife. I am an asset to my husband – and he is an asset to me, because we used our 20s to grow up.
I wish I had married younger – and it certainly has some benefits (keeping you pure being a HUGE one) but the reality is that I married later than I planned – and I am no less (or more) mature because of it.
I agree with this author- one of the biggest differences I see in me with marrying later is that I VALUE marriage and my husband more than I would have at 22. I think when I prayed for this man for nearly a decade, I am far more grateful than I would have been earlier in my 20s. I think in some way, my standards were more realistic, but in some areas, I had extremely HIGH standards because I had waited so long (IE, I expected sex to always be perfect, etc)
Some things are easier when you marry later – we had enough money, we had finished developing into ourselves, etc Some things are harder – more stubborn, years of longing, etc.
Marriage is hard and marriage is good, no matter what age it happens at – and there are benefits to both. It’s time we quit making singles and those who marry later feel like they were leftovers and the good wives/mothers got swept up early. We need to support each other’s marriages and not compete for which one has the most benefits!
That’s beautiful, Katy!
This is absolutely fantastic. Thank you so much to Anita for writing it!
I’m super in favor of people marrying young IF it’s the right thing for them. While many of my friends who married in their early 20s or even their teens have really great, successful marriages, I’ve also seen people marry young because it was expected of them, and wound up going down in flames. To me, neither marrying young nor marrying older is a virtue in itself, but rather the mindset around it — if you’re delaying marriage because you’re selfish or hedonistic or have an unbiblical disdain of marriage, it’s a problem. But so is scrambling to get married out of a fear of being alone, or codependency, or an unbiblical obsession with marriage.
Anyway, I really resonated with what Anita said about having a greater appreciation for marriage and more realistic expectations. Having walked with my married friends for the past 10+ years through the ups and downs of their marriages, the rose-colored glasses are OFF. I know marrying my favorite person is going to be great in lots of ways and hard in lots of ways, and that communication and prayer and community are essential. We’re not a couple of starry-eyed teenagers (or even a couple of preternaturally-sensible teenagers!), we’re adults with careers and responsibilities who know ourselves and each other and are ready to walk through life together. And I think that’s great. 🙂
Thank you, Sheila, for sharing Anita’s story with us. I have two very good friends who both married later in life. One of them has recently divorced and I’m not sure that it was due to the fact that she and he married so late in life. I think there were other issues at play, but I saw firsthand how difficult marrying for the first time in your forties can be difficult to navigate and forge a life “together.” However, I have another friend who married late in life and she and her hubby seem to be the perfect fit for each other. They’ve both brought the maturity and perspective that Anita talked about to the marriage and it has forged an incredible bond. Thank you to Anita for being willing to share her story with all of us and thanks for the linkup as well, Sheila!
As a 39 year old single woman, I really appreciate you posting this – it’s an encouragement to us single ladies!
When we married I was mid 30s, my wife early 30s. I was lonely until I met her and I am the only man she ever dated. God knew, far better than I, the woman I needed and after over 40 years, as I posted yesterday, I KNOW she is the most wonderful woman in the world. We could not be happier together, we are madly in love with each other and we need each other. Marriage is an amazing gift from God.
The best time to marry is God’s time be it young or not so young.
What a beautiful post. I did not marry until I was 32 – I had always imagined I would marry much younger. I am SO glad I waited. I have a beautiful relationship with my husband (15 years of marriage now). I will not say he “completes” me because I was happy single but I know others may not be. But I will say he is the perfect man for me. It’s as though God saved him just for me. We seldom argue or disagree. In fact – I don’t think we have ever argued. We may have had our feelings hurt by the other but we have never had a fight. I like what the author said about knowing what is important enough to fight over – and I probably couldn’t have said that if I had married younger. It helps that our backgrounds are similar, are families are strong and we both strive to keep God at the center of our marriage. We can spend large amounts of time together and not get on each others nerves. I sometimes feel like I can not talk about how great our marriage is and how great my husband is because I am around other wives who can not say the same. But he is great, our marriage is great and I couldn’t be happier in the relationship. (separate bathrooms may also help with the no fighting LOL)
I married young – but I have never understood those who try to pit marrying young against others; in the same vein I don’t understand why others try to pit working mothers against stay at home mothers, or singles against marrieds.
Everything is not for everyone, we don’t all take the same path and do everything the same way; you don’t have to convince anyone about your state of being, you just have to be, because as the poster said, “God’s time is the best time” especially when you are seeking God’s will for your life.
This was a beautiful post.
She forgot to talk about sex and whether or no they plan to have kids! ?
I don’t think she forgot; I think she chose not to share in this forum.
Lovely answer nylse.
Interesting post. I’ve definitely noticed some infatuation in the Christian community with marrying super young, so it’s really refreshing to hear a positive different perspective.
I’m 27 (turning 28 soon) and just got married. I don’t know if that puts me in the ‘old age’ category or not. It seems like only my Christian friends think that it does. A woman from my church commented to me, upon hearing about my engagement, “I can’t believe you’re finally getting married after all these years…!” I wasn’t quite sure what to make of that. “After all these years”? I’m not even 30 yet. I’ve also heard (from older ‘mature’ Christian women, no less!) that “after 25 or 26, no one wants you.” (I’m happy to be living disproof of that, by the way.) Needless to say, I think treating a single person like a product approaching (or past) its freshness date is a pretty shabby thing to do, as is implying to single women that they haven’t “grown up yet” because they’re not married. A few more good stories like Anita’s would expose such attitudes for the foolishness they are, and that would certainly be a welcome change!
“All of this is to say that there isn’t a perfect time to get married–there’s only God’s time. I think in our wider culture we discourage early marriages too much. But perhaps in our Christian culture we make people feel badly if they don’t marry early. I do think we need to raise kids to be ABLE to marry young–but let’s never assume that that is God’s plan for everyone. God’s timing is great, and ultimately it’s all about Him.”
This is perfect!!! In my own “Christian circle” it always seemed like 22-26 years old were the perfect ages to get married. Any younger or older was out of the ordinary. . . I found it hilarious when in the very same year I got married at 18, and one of my Christian schoolteachers got married in her 50’s. We were both out of the ordinary, and were both in God’s perfect timing 🙂
Hi Sheila.. Although I was a friend of Anita’s it was really nice to hear her story.. I just turned 53 and a few months ago I realized I have been single(no dating) for 14years. It really took me back.. I was shocked to find how long I have been alone. I had been married in my early 20’s divorced and a single mother of two before I even turned 30.. Although I been in a few relationships over the years(all bad and very hurtful) I knew I needed to be single and on my own for a while to heal and grow into the woman God made me to be.. It has taken me a long time to be content and happy in who and whom I am. Being single is hard but needed sometimes.. My Hope and Prayer is to marry again some day and I am content to wait on God’s timing… Thanks Sheila and Anita…
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this post! I will be 40 in March and am getting married in June. I will be moving 1900 miles away to be with my love (this Florida native is moving to Wyoming!) and am so excited about a new chapter in my life. If I had a dollar for every time I have heard “You never did get married, did you?” or “Time’s a wastin’, girl… You’d better find a man!” or “Why are you STILL single?!”. Ugh.
I was one of those girls who thought I had to be married by 25, through having kids by 30 and live happily ever after with my adoring husband. But God had different plans and as always, they are SO much higher and better than my own! His plan is always perfect.
My fiancĂ© and I were talking the other night and I expressed to him some of the same opinions as this writer, that I am so glad I didn’t get married at 25. Not only because I hadn’t met him yet, but because I am SO much more in tune with who I really am now than I was in my twenties or even early thirties. I have learned to rely on God when I feel lonely and to realize that He has used this time to cultivate gifts in me that will help me comlement my husband beautifully, and He has developed him into the man I need him to be as well. God is so faithful!
That’s wonderful, Kristy! Congratulations on your wedding and especially on the upcoming marriage. I wish you all the best!
“But she was single and it didn’t seem to bother her”. I was married at 33, before I became a Christian. Not being part of a Christian community throughout my twenties, I was spared much of the curiosity about my marital status. I never had a burning desire to marry until I met my husband. I doubt anyone else gave it a second thought, for which I’m eternally grateful.