How do you stay close if you’re afraid you’re growing apart from your husband?
I’ve been writing a three-part series on porn, and I have more I need to say. But I feel like I’ve been talking ONLY about that all week, and so I’d like to put all of that on hold and come back to it later (I promise). And today I just want to be really vulnerable and share some things with you.
My husband and I have had a rough few years.
It’s not because of anything either of us has done; it’s just because of work schedules and geography. We simply weren’t together very much. And that put a huge strain on us.
We’re coming out of it now, and I’d like to tell you about it–my warnings for other people to avoid, and what made it possible for us to reconnect afterwards.
I’m honestly just a real person like all of you.
I don’t want you, my readers, ever to think that I’ve got the marriage thing totally figured out. Some seasons we sail right through, and others we really have to work. I shared in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage (my newest book) about some of the struggles Keith and I have had over the last few years, and what I had to do to change my own attitude and my own mind.
Sometimes when I meet blog readers I realize that there’s this perception that we have a perfect life. And we really don’t. And I think that this may be an encouragement to you–to know that EVERYBODY goes through rough patches. So let me tell you what happened with us.
How my husband and I spent a few years growing apart--and how we pulled together again.Click To TweetKeith got a job in a different city.
For years his job in our hometown was so stressful. He had long hours, personality conflicts, and constant crises. They were chronically short staffed of pediatricians, but needed the call schedule covered. What do you do if there aren’t enough pediatricians? If you’re a caring, nice guy like my husband is, you step up to the plate and you do extra call.
But that takes a toll.
And finally he said, “enough”. He took a job at a bigger teaching hospital an hour away.
It was the perfect job. My husband is such a good teacher, and the job entailed teaching medical students and residents. He won some awards. He was having the time of his life.
The problem is that he had to about eight calls a month. Those calls were infinitely easier than the ones he used to do, because instead of going in to the hospital in the middle of the night, residents now took care of things and only phoned him for orders and advice. But it also meant he had to stay in that city for eight nights a month.
There was a long commute–and he had to be at work at 7:30. That means that we no longer had breakfast together.
He was home much later often, especially when he had periodic meetings.
And at the same time I still had speaking engagements.
We tried to work his call around my speaking, because our daughters were still at home.
So think what that did: he’d be gone eight nights a month. I’d be gone maybe five. Take a few more nights for his meetings. Then we had church commitments (we ran the youth quizzing ministry at church which required four weekends a year where we’d take the kids away to a competition. Four weekends doesn’t sound like much until you realize how few weekends we’d have).
Suddenly we had very little time together.
We didn’t realize it would be this bad (he was only supposed to do five calls a month when he took the job). But that first month he had his full call load, plus he had two weekends for conferences and training courses. I spoke for a weekend. We had maybe seven nights together all month. And I started to get scared.
Of course, when your schedules are bizarre like that, you know what always happens, right? When you finally have a week together, in its entirety–that’s when your period comes. It doesn’t come when he’s on call. It doesn’t come when you’re away traveling. It’s when you’re finally together again. And I was having major issues in that department and getting chronically anemic, and the stress was horrible.
And it just got hard. So hard.
I started getting used to living my life alone.
Keith used to be my confidante–the one I bounced everything off of and the one who helped me through all my decisions. But when he wasn’t home for days at a time, I got used to thinking about things myself. I’d take walks and process my thoughts. I’d call my mom and bounce things off of her. I talked to my girls a lot.
And he’d get home, let’s say three days after whatever crisis had begun, and it would feel like too much work to fill him in on everything. So I’d just share with him the “short version” of the story.
Within a year I felt like he didn’t really understand my heart anymore. When he didn’t even know 90% of the things that were bugging me, then how could we feel like we’re one?
We tried talking more, and sharing our “highs” and “lows” of each day, and that certainly helped. We called each other more when we were in different cities.
But when someone isn’t there in the day to day, you really start to feel like you’re walking through life alone and unsupported, even if that is not anyone’s intention.
And I know that Keith felt the same way, too.
The seasons of distance were draining us.
Finally Keith realized he was just too busy. He had no time for his hobbies, and he had no time to connect with me. And we really wanted to spend more time together and see more of the world. So he made a decision last winter that he would go part-time and we’d buy an RV so that we can spend several weeks at a time driving around for me to speak, and then return home for several weeks so he can work.
He arranged for a part-time job, we bought the RV, and we just got back from our first trip.
Was our trip ever great! We drove a grand total of about 70 hours in just 19 days, which is a lot of driving. We had several 8 or 10 hour days. But those days were great because we got the chance to just chat. It’s been so long since we’ve had that kind of time (after all, we had our daughter’s wedding this summer, too, which took a lot of our time!)
We stopped at places improptu just to explore and take pictures, whenever there was a sign for a waterfalls or a scenic lookout or a hike.
We planned this trip to Presque’ Isle park in Pennsylvania:
But then we found these waterfalls by accident when driving through Northern Ontario on our way home:
We stopped at a tiny town that had a giant goose statue off of the highway, because all bird watchers have to take a picture under a giant goose statue and then text it to their daughters:
We pulled over at various birding hotspots to see some new species of gulls:
And we stopped at the Terry Fox memorial outside Thunder Bay–close to the very spot where Terry had to abandon his cross-Canada 1981 run to raise money for cancer because the disease had returned.
That meant a lot to Keith especially, since he’s seen far too many patients die of childhood cancers.
None of those moments was really planned. But we had a chance to take them because we were together again.
It was easy to pick up where we left off, because nothing had been seriously wrong in our relationship–no affairs, no secret texting, no porn. But despite that, we were definitely growing apart because we just didn’t have time together.
So here’s what I’ve learned:
What Kept Us Together During this Season of Growing Apart?
We had a great foundation for our marriage
We were best friends before this started, and we had a good sex life. We were always close to each other. So when we started to spend less time together, we knew that the relationship itself was still stable.
Conclusion: when life is relatively easy, cling to each other and seriously grow your friendship! Work even harder! That way when a tough time comes, you’ll weather it much more easily.
We knew for certain that we were staying together forever
There was no point in letting resentment grow because we knew we’d be together forever.
Conclusion: Don’t feed negative thoughts! When you know you’re together forever, then treat each other well to preserve that relationship.
We kept pushing through–it was hard work
I had to teach myself to share things with Keith about my day–even when I didn’t want to. If I had had a big issue that I had worked through, I wouldn’t necessarily want to relive it all again to try to explain it. But I learned that the work was worth it, even if it wasn’t easy.
Conclusion: Sometimes marriage IS nothing but work. When you have to deliberately keep each other in the loop it’s work. We think marriage should be easy, but often it isn’t.
In some busy seasons of life, marriage becomes work. Do the work! It stops you from growing apart. Click To TweetWe told ourselves it wasn’t forever–and we made specific plans around that
When we saw what our work schedules were doing to our marriage, we knew that we had to take steps to make sure this was only temporary. And it was.
I know not everyone has that option. Keith and I have been extremely blessed. But there have been periods of our lives that were intense, work wise, and we just had to get through them. Keith’s training, when he was gone 120 hours a week and I had babies; Opening up his practice; and then the last few years. I can’t imagine, though, if any of those stages was permanent.
Conclusion: If you’re in a position where a job is making your marriage super tough, then ask yourself: are there alternatives, even if those alternatives won’t come for a few years?
Sacrificing some financial security so that you can keep marriage security is often worth it, though I know it’s not always possible. But I really don’t think I could live like we did for the last three years indefinitely.
So that’s where we are! We were growing apart, but we’re growing close again. Sometimes marriage strain comes not because of sin or neglect but just because of LIFE. If you see that happening, double down, work harder, share more–and see if you can make that period of your life shorter.
Thought #9 in Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is that drifting in marriage is natural; it’s staying together that takes work. I experienced that firsthand while writing this book, and lots of my stories are in there (I think I’m more vulnerable in this book than I even was in my sex book!)
If you’ve been drifting and growing apart–pick it up to stop the drift NOW!
Let me know in the comments: have you had a season of your marriage where you were growing apart? What did you do about it?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thank you for this today. My husband and I work separate shifts so one of us is always home with our son. My husband just got a promotion (Yeah! Finally off public assistance), which means longer hours. Our son is a competition swimmer, which means practice 4 days a week and meets out of town once a month. This gives me hope that when his 6 months of training are over we can get back to where we use to be.
So glad I could encourage you! Just work really hard over the next 6 months to still connect. It is tough.
Ahh! You were in Erie PA. I grew up in a suburb of Erie PA and spent many a summer at Presque Isle State Park. It’s where I learned to swim, in Lake Erie. It’s so beautiful there, isn’t it? And the one area is perfect for bird-watching 😉
Forgot to add…I still live along Lake Erie and Presque Isle is a mere 26 miles away 🙂
Next time I’m in Erie I WILL email you first, Kelly! It would be great to meet you in real life. I think my next dates are in May sometime…
That would be great!!
That was beautiful Sheila! Thank you for sharing your real life struggles with us. My marriage has grown in so many wonderful ways since I started reading your blog about 4 years ago.
True that! Her blog has helped me in so many ways.
Awesome, Marci! Thanks for the encouragement!
Your post came at the most opportune moment for me!! Just last night I was musing in my journal about how alone I’ve been feeling in my marriage. The issues are somewhat different, but do include very little time together. There are other things, too, including my “change of life” issues which he doesn’t understand. I feel we’re just not “connecting” in a meaningful way. And it’s fair to say that he’s not much for sympathy/empathy, so it’s difficult to talk about it with him – he shuts down or starts playing the blame game, rather than actively trying to find a solution. I’m a bit at a loss as to what to do, as I’ve been trying different approaches and nothing seems to make things any better for more than a day or two.
That’s so hard, Kris. It really is about finding ways just to talk again. I’ll pray that you find a break through.
Kris’s, I don’t know how long this issues of him blaming you and not actively helping in finding a so!utiin, but your comments remind me of what was happening in my own marriage. This may not apply to you at a
all. But I feel I must mention that for us after 22yrs of marriage our relationship had completely broken down due to the difficulties in communication amongst other issues. During some marital counselling that wasn’t working, our counsellor suggested to me privately that my hubbie may have Aspergers, which is part of the Autistic Spectrum. Following exploration we found that he was an undIagonosed AS. It has been a huge relief to us both, in understanding the ‘elephant’in the room all these years….it may or may not apply, but I feel in any forum I have a responsibility to get this message out there about Aspergers. There are alot of un diagnosed AS married men, whose marriage and wives are suffering without the knowledge of this often difficult condition that has a major impact on their wives and families. I pray this does not apply to you. x
Vivienne,
Would you feel comfortable sharing some of your experiences with your AS hubby? And could you say what in Kris’ comment you may have identified as being AS symptomatic?
Thanks in advance,
Michelle
Thanks, I feel this is where we’re at too. You give hope!!
Mairi recently posted…School Starts tomorrow!
So glad!
Thanks for sharing.
Many will experience the same thing but won’t know what to do to change. I hope your transparency will encourage them to see that change is possible.
In 2011 my husband lost his job and he was forced to be home and then by default was forced to start his own company, and now works from home.
I believe this is what saved us. We were at that time trying to recover from the devastation his porn addiction caused to our marriage. I think things were spinning out of control. But by being together and having no where else to go, we really had time to become friends again. It wasn’t easy. But we are in it for the long haul.
I want to go to Presque Isle again. It has been years since we were there. Such a beautiful place and only a two hour drive!
And I got a new camera for my bird watching times!
That’s amazing that God worked it out that he would be forced to be at home! So glad you’re in recovery. And Presque Isle was really beautiful. My husband had his special bird camera out and he got some great pics, too!
Here’s one of sanderlings I thought was particularly good!
Can so relate.. My husband and I love spending time together, but with 6 kids (a breast feeding baby) running his business, leading church events, having to move twice in a year..We have been in a season of not having much time together. 🙁 it’s been really hard. We have backed away from adding anything to our plates, no more babies, no more church activities, and are trying to pencil in nights away together and just fun things together. I’m so ready to have some fun with my awesome husband!
Good for you! We’ve taken this year to say “no” to everything but work and being with each other. We really need a year to reconnect!
Thankyou for being so real and sharing your real marriage with us! I’m going through a similar season but am so thankful for the foundation God has built in my marriage and I know it won’t be forever, and that this will strengthen us.
What God has brought together- let no man (crazy schedules) seperate!
Sarah Ball recently posted…Happy Harvest – Friday Devotionals
It’s the crazy schedules that do it, isn’t it? 🙂
You guys are so cute 🙂 thanks for sharing!
Aren’t you impressed that I published that many photos of me with no makeup? (And glasses, too!) 🙂
*hugs* Thank you for your vulnerability. I can sort of relate, because I think it was the distance, the separate-ness, that finally drove apart my long distance relationship. I’m so glad you and Keith have been able to fix things though!
Hope you’re hanging in there!
Sometimes I write these long posts and just delete them because it is so pathetic to be pouring out my marriage woes to anonymous strangers. Suffice it to say I am glad you were able to find a way to come back to a closer relationship, but I think I will have to settle for moving from terrible to “not actually terrible”. After months of counseling, I have realized that my anger with him is causing us both harm, so I am trying to forgive and get past it. He is still running from any emotion that is not on the happy spectrum, which leaves me unable to turn to him when life is hard. Life is hard, and has been for about 8 years straight, so that pretty much sucks. I have to remind myself that being divorced would just be a different kind of painful. Honestly, sometimes the only thing that keeps me from having an affair is the knowledge that he would only see it as proof that all our problems were my fault. The lack of emotional connection is killing me.
I’m so sorry, Meredith. I really am.
Have you considered your hubby may have ASPERGERS?
Wow, sounds similar to my story. I love him with all my heart but really feel trapped. I feel like my choices are either splitting up or living life out being miserable, and I really don’t want to leave him. Presently “staying together for the sake of the kids” and hoping that life gets better when they are all on their own.
Can I just say I am reading this with tears in my eyes. Thank you. First of all, my husband is also a DR and for the past six years has worked in a different town. We have five small kids (the oldest is six, the youngest is one) and last year the commute really began to wear on all of us. So, he took a job at a large teaching hospital down the street. It has been quite the transition. In fact, his new hours put us rarely going to bed at the same time (he gets home between 2-5am) and since our children are up I feel like I only get a functioning husband for about 2 hours a day at best. It’s been a really rough month where I’m wondering how we can sustain this… I’m sure a lot of it is growing pains with any transition and children getting to be school-aged. But, still, I am struggling and your post today was exactly what I needed/wanted to hear. Thank you!
Darby Dugger recently posted…Forgiveness and Grace
Oh, you’re so welcome, Darby! I can just imagine how tiring that is. Give it a few months and then evaluate with your husband how things are going. Maybe there are other options. But I know how tiring it can be.
Wow, another great post. Thanks so much for sharing this. My husband has to work out of town occasionally. It’s happened a couple times this year. About 6 months ago I guess, he had to work for a month and a half several hours away from home. He was able to come home on the weekends, thankfully. I was really afraid for our marriage. It had only been a couple months since I discovered his porn use and we started getting help. I was so afraid his being away would be a huge setback, and that he would do things he shouldn’t be doing, maybe even see some “live entertainment” while I wasn’t around to know his comings and goings. I covered him in prayer, and he did fine. I really was proud of him. But you know what was scary? A few weeks into his being gone I realized I was ok. I was falling asleep better than I have in the past with him gone. I started not missing him all that much during the days. And I thought, you know what, I don’t need him that much after all! Scary thoughts to be thinking during marital problems.
It’s been a tough most-of-the year. But just in the last few weeks God has done something very deep inside of me. There has been some healing that I desperately needed. I’m so thankful!
That’s wonderful that God is doing such a work in you! So great.
I understand the feeling like life is easier when we’re alone. I think we all go through that sometimes. Don’t feel guilty–just realize what you love about him being home!
Two years ago, this was us. My son needed a bone marrow transplant, and I had to move 2000 miles away to do a drug trial for the chemo regiment. I was gone for 5.5 months. Even though we talked almost daily, and texted at least a few times a day, when I came back, there was a huge readjustment period. Not only did I have to learn how to be married again (because I was essentially a single mom that whole time) but I had to learn how to be a mother to our daughter again, who stayed behind because I had no support in the other city so she could be with me. We probably should have done marital counseling when I got back, but we did talk to a counselor on the phone a few times. I wouldn’t say things are perfect, but they’re much improved, and I know we can weather just about any storm in our marriage–because we’ve weathered so many already!!!
Liberty Speidel recently posted…Revisting a Classic: A Third Time Review of Pride and Prejudice
What a story! So glad that you’re back on track!
I remember you sharing about your son with me on Facebook a few years ago. How is he doing now? I remember asking the Facebook Page to pray–but then I foolishly forgot to email you about a follow-up. I pray that things turned out well for your family!
I have been blessed with a wonderful wife. We have rarely been apart; just a few occasions in my working years when I was away for a few days, and I hated it.
Now retired we are together all the time and it is wonderful.
Once again, you share yourself so beautifully with your readers. It’s a hard thing to realize that life is not perfect, and then to take the steps better again, is even harder. I love you have become RVers – it’s a fun way to reconnect and see this fine world we live in. And that picture from Michigan…those falls were such a happy find our first time visiting. Beautiful!
We’ve walked that journey of a rough patch – although ours was because we were together too much. We had moved to a new community and church, and I was without employment. So, I was needing my DH to be my everything, husband, friend, news person, connection to the new world. I got angry – pretty much lived that way for about 6 months! – when he couldn’t do it all (imagine that!) I learned at the end of that season – I need to be my own person. I found a job I loved, and we suddenly had different experiences to talk about. We had to work hard to find a schedule that let us spend some downtime together though. Thus, our Monday Sabbath was born. A tradition that continues to this day.
I identified so much with parts of your new book – most of our issues could have been avoided if I understood my role in the conflicts better. We are a team, and when we have moments of non Wedded Bliss…it’s not the end, but a growth spurt, and we will be better for it.
Thanks so much for sharing that, Diana! That’s wonderful. I remember you and your husband with fondness–you guys are a great couple. I can understand wanting him to be your everything when you do get along so well. But I’m glad that God brought you to a much better place! Amen!
Sheila, Thank you so much for sharing this. This is exactly where my heart is. My Husband has been away (prison) for nearly two years and that’s been really hard! My biggest fear has always been that I’d get too comfortable “doing life on my own.” I find myself doing just what you said…give him the short version of this or that and figuring the rest out for myself…since we only have a few minutes on the phone daily. I’m definitely printing this and re-reading it for the perspective. Thanks again!
Lori
Oh, Lori, that must be so difficult! Bravo for trying to keep close despite tremendous obstacles.
Sometimes the short version is all you can do, and that’s honestly okay. Just keep giving the short version, so that at least you keep sharing. So that at least you know what’s going on in each other’s days.
So sorry for this struggle! I hope you have some good support around you.
Our season of growing apart came when our son got brain cancer. My son and I had to live 750 miles away from home for over a year. My dear husband suddenly became a single dad to 5 kids. I was a homeschool mom of 6, and was ripped away to become a momcologist and watch my son fight for his life. After a year and a half, he lost that fight, and I returned home a changed person. We used to be a unit, a family of 8, now we feel so disconnected on so many levels. Nothing will ever be the same, we have nothing to really “fall back on”. I don’t know how to reconnect……the love is still there, but the connection is screwy…….
Oh, Crystal, I’m so, so sorry–especially for the loss of your son. I really am. I think it just takes a lot of time to heal from all of that–to get to a place where everyday life can seem normal again. You are STILL a family, you really are. And your other kids so need you to lead the way. I hope that you can find someone to talk to who can help you through this and who can help you and your husband talk together. You’ve lost your son, and it seems like everything has been pulled out from under you, but just cling to each other even more, even if it’s so hard. It won’t be the same, but you can create something new that is still sweet. Just don’t give up. And find someone to talk to!
I am so sorry for your loss. I will be saying prayers and sending love your way.
Thanks for sharing; all I know is it happens but like you said you have to be intentional about coming together. And the longer you’re married the times of restoration don’t always look the same because you’ve both grown and changed. But what I’ve found comforting through good and bad times is that our foundation is secure and we’re still here. We will weather this and any storm and will figure it out – that’s more than comforting.
nylse recently posted…This Person I’ve Become – Nature Lover
Absolutely!
I think it was very kind and humbling of you to share this story with your readers. Sometimes marriage isn’t about smiling, going out to fancy dinners and holding hands but about riding out the waves of the season together, which I think is an especially good lesson for young couples.
Thanks for sharing Sheila dear and welcome back from your trip. I do agree with you that sometimes people can think you have a perfect life because they come to you for advice. It’s very genuine and nice of you to open like this for us.
The balance with work, ministry and family is a dance that my husband and I also have to manage and thrive at. I love your image with the quote, “In marriage we cannot drift together, we can only drift apart.” How so true! We have learnt to be intentional about carving out time for “just us” and/or doing activities to help us stay connected even in seasons which are busy. We cherish our get-away moments, which are few but oh so sacred. We usually have this at the end of very busy times. Sometimes it is more difficult than other times to stick to the plan but it is worth it. Having Christ as our Rock has helped a lot. It is our basis.
Thanks for sharing again! Great pics 🙂
Roxanna Aliba Kazibwe recently posted…Is he really the “one”?: 8 Key Points to Consider
My husband is in full time ministry and owns a business, too. I am home with 3 kids, just started homeschooling. My husband has very busy seasons in his work and many evenings i am on my own…. But i realized that even in the busy seasons there are moments we can enjoy together, but we have to be intentional. I have to choose to enjoy the moments he is home. Often in the busy times he’d just drop by in the afternoon for half an hour. So i had to stop whatever i was doing to be with him. My favorite things during busy season are 15 minute backgammon games, naptime sex, in the middle of the night waking sex (if you’re already up because of the baby… Why not have some fun after nursing the babe back to sleep? -especially when we don’t go to bed together) and i so get this thought struggle of sharing with him.
This is pretty much where we’ve been for the last nine months or so. My husband got his first-ever full-time job in January (he graduated college last May and it took several months of working a few part-time jobs to find full-time work), which is a huge blessing, but he’s a night security guard at the college we both attended. It could be a LOT worse: he works midnight-8 am, Sunday night/Monday morning through Thursday night/Friday morning. So we get evenings and weekends together. But I’ve also been working full-time most of this time, 8 am-6 pm or later, so we only have a few hours together in the evenings when I get home, and I’m usually really tired. The worst part has not been sleeping together five nights out of the week or seeing each other in the morning. And on weekends we both need to sleep a lot at weird hours because we’re both so tired–did I mention I got pregnant right about the time he started this job, so we’ve had that challenge besides?? 🙂
There have been a lot of good things about this season, even despite all the challenges. We’ve learned to really treasure the little time we do have together, so we’re making a LOT less social and other commitments and trying to spend our weekends mostly just the two of us. Like you said, life consists of mostly work and time spent together. 🙂 Also, with me easing onto maternity leave (I’m five days past my due date so we’re just kinda hanging out waiting at this point!) I’m home a LOT more which means 1) I’m less tired in the evenings and 2) I see him every morning. These two things have made a huge difference; it’s nice to start and end our days together even though they’re opposite. And soon enough I’ll be on a newborn’s schedule so I’ll be sleeping at random times anyway, and will only be home alone with the baby at night. Plus, when I go back to work part-time, I’ll be working at times when Joshua can be home and awake with the baby, so no childcare needed! My not working is going to be a blow to our income, just as Joshua’s job was a huge blessing, but we’ve survived on a tiny income before and my being home is a much higher priority for us than my making a lot of money.
Sorry, this got long– but THANK YOU for this encouragement and for being real with us! And I want other wives and moms to know they are NOT alone. 🙂
Jaimie Ramsey recently posted…Preparing for the journey: thoughts from a first-time mother
I really love this honest post. I’m so glad that you took the time be transparent with us. It is so important that none of us think that other people have it all together. None of us do.
Keelie Reason recently posted…About That Day (or Whole Week) That I Was Failing….
Thank you for sharing this, Sheila. We’re coming out of a season of distance right now, too. I think it’s so important for us not to allow Satan to whisper to us, “This is how it’s always going to be now.” That just isn’t true! Even great marriages have an ebb and flow. Your vulnerability on this topic has really encouraged me.
Megan recently posted…cherished and dearly loved daughter
I loved reading this, very inspiring! I live an hour and a half away from Presque Isle, that place is beautiful! God Bless.
I appreciate your blog so much Sheila. I love that you are real, and represent us “average” wives. I am not glamorous, don’t work in corporate America. My husband works long hours. We have 2 daughters in high school. The second one is our challenging child. She is just like my husband, strong opinions, won’t back down, quick fuse. Her and my husband are constantly butting heads. They like to put me in the middle. But I am more of a peace maker, like my 16 yr old. My parents live with us as well. I feel like I am the glue that holds our household together, but it’s hard to be the glue. Our marriage is ok but could be better. We are doing dance lessons to make sure we have something fun that is just for us. Eye to eye, no phones, good exercise. I am also doing more brewery outings with him. He really loves good beer, so I have decided to share his hobby by going to breweries with him. Beer is not my thing, but my marriage is important.
Yay for dance lessons! Keith and I have done those too–super fun. We want to start again soon! And we go to wineries a lot. Totally understand!
Thank you so much for re-sharing this post. I needed this more than words can say.
My husband had been under-employed for 2 years and finally got a new job. 10 hours away. But, while the job is permanent, the location is not. So we can’t move. I homeschool my children but I have a 16 year old that is already taking classes at the community college. So she can’t travel. And my 14 year old son would be miserable to travel all of the time (without his friends).
I also have 2 “littles” but they can travel. We bought a travel trailer and truck so that it’s possible to stay with him (and e has a place to live)
I’m feeling so alone. I hate talking on the phone. HATE. IT. And just as you said, sometimes it seems more trouble than it’s worth to tell him what’s going on.
I’m 10 hours away taking care of all the drudgery (our house currently has gremlins apparently) and running kids here and there til my head spins. And he works 6 days per week. Getting up at 4:20.
And my love language is quality time. i feel completely used up. Empty. Frustrated. Resentful. Unloved. Sad. Hopeless.
My husband is my best friend. I like him. I miss him. The phone is no substitute.
I am going to work at spending more time with him. I will figure out how to spend more time. My daughter has someone to stay with….ill just start utilizing that.
THANK. YOU.
Oh, Cara, that’s such a hard road you’re on! I’m sure it must seem like the days just drag by! I pray that you can get through this season and stay close during it!
I needed to see this post, right now. Thank you so much for sharing it!
I am in a similar situation, my hubby works nights (12 hour shifts plus OT if necessary), I work days. We have a three year old, one car beetween the both of us. I often dont want to rehash my day and it seems like a lot of trouble , but he wants to know about it. I will do better about this. Our 3 y/o is missing his dad as much as I am. We use an app called Marco Polo thats similar to facetime I think. Lets you video message so thats how we leave love notes because I HATE the phone and he’s not one who likes to read. It helps to see his face. We are still tackling parenting and finding time without our 3 yr old. Love the dance idea so will see what we can do for this soon.
Army wife here, and this is EXACTLY what I needed right now. My husband was deployed 8 months last year, and then we were immediately relocated when he got back. This new job is ok when he IS here, but the issue is he is gone 2-3 weeks, then home 2-3 weeks. On and off. Continuously.
I am like you described yourself–completely used to living alone and making decisions solo. It was almost easier when he was deployed, because being independent is what made it work. But now that I have to constantly flip flop between independent woman and wife, it just sucks. I don’t know how to bridge the gap. When he is here, it feels like way too much effort to explain everything because I know he’s leaving soon and it doesn’t matter. It’s hard. But I’m glad there is hope.
I didn’t see the parallels to military life that much, but I can see how you’re going through what I went through–but times 10! Thanks so much for your service and for your husband’s service. It does mean a lot! And I hope that you have the strength to keep going and keep bridging that gap.
As a military wife this definitely resonates. We’ve been married 28 years and he’s been home around 14. As I write this he’s currently in the field. I am frankly terrified of retirement on the one hand and praying that we will find our way back to each other more on the other!
Thank you for this.
You can do it, Holly! Thank you for your family’s service.
Apparently it is not unusual, huh? I am there too and I have found I like being alone. 15 years as a military wife and the last 5 years with him working out of state for 6 months while I stayed behind (taking care of everything and our 3 kids), I like my independence. Now he works 50 to 60 hrs/wk for us to just make it and I work full time and still “take care of everything”. And I am ok, I do it well, I don’t need or want him any more. We have no options to quit or take time off to be together. And I know that is NOT what God wants for my marriage….but it is what it is. Maybe, hopefully, we will reconnect as a couple again one day as well. I know we both have to work on it and want it. Right now, that seems like a lot of work and time consuming. ? but I won’t give up.
I totally get enjoying your independence. But I’m glad you won’t give up! And thank you for your family’s service.