If your husband has been battling a porn addiction, when do you invite him back into your bed?
Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today I thought we’d do a 3-part series on battling porn in marriage (since that’s the most common problem in the huge backlog of questions I have), starting with this one: how do you re-establish a sexual relationship after pornography?
A reader writes:
My husband has had an addiction to porn for our entire 13 year marriage. He lied, deceived, blamed me, neglected me and I only found out it was porn by accidentally walking in on him one night. That was more than two years ago. Since then he promised many times to seek counseling and support groups but nothing changed. About a month ago I asked him to separate. He refused but he did move out of our bedroom and into my daughter’s room (she’s bunking with her brothers for now). He now sees a counselor weekly but I have not gone with him yet. He asked me last night when he can move back into our room. I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t know what criteria to use or how to know. We haven’t had sex since before my last baby was born and she’s almost 9-months old now. The time we were intimate it was obvious he didn’t want to do it and that he was trying to simulate something he’d seen in porn in order to reach orgasm. It didn’t work. I felt like filth afterwards. How can I answer him when I don’t know what it will take to get comfortable with him back in our bed?
First, I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this. But I’m also so glad that your husband is getting counseling! That’s wonderful.
I know I’m going to get pushback on what I’m going to say today, though, because so many people believe that men only turn to porn because their wives won’t have sex. That may be true in a few cases, but from what I’ve seen and from the people that write to me, that is not usually the case at all. Usually the porn use PRECEDES the marriage, as it does in this case. He was using it during their entire marriage.
And because porn rewires the brain so that what becomes attractive is an image rather than a person, porn often STEALS a guy’s libido within marriage–
As this woman writes, her husband couldn’t even reach climax without fantasizing about porn or doing something that porn had. Just being with his wife was no longer enough.
This is especially true for younger wives who got married after the internet generation started. So, please, no comments about how he wouldn’t need porn if she would just put out! That is simply not the case with the vast majority of marriages, especially young marriages. And even if that is the case in some marriages, it is not those marriages that we are addressing here. We are looking at marriages where guys have used porn the entire time, and who have NEVER actually made love, because sex has become so warped in their brains.
I’d really encourage people to download this free ebook from Covenant Eyes that explains how this process works:
Now back to the question.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a good absolute answer. So much depends on your relationship, your ability to communicate, his openness with his struggles, his repentance, and more. So let me just give some general principles for people to think about.
Rebuild Trust After a Porn Addiction First
You can’t just jump into having sex right away. (Now, some people may not have stopped having sex; I think that a sexual fast can be a good idea as he “resets” his arousal process, and most counselors and discussion forums for guys coming out of porn have said the same thing. But it isn’t absolute, and so much depends on your relationship).
But let’s say that you did stop sex and confronted him about porn.
In this reader’s case, the husband was reluctant to stop the porn and only did so when drastic actions were taken by the wife. This is quite a different scenario than one in which a husband confesses and takes the initiative to heal.
So there’s extra trust broken here.
Get an accountability partner
A counselor is wonderful, but a counselor is only there for a short time. He needs a guy who can hold him accountable and who can meet with him periodically and ask him honestly how he’s doing.
Be completely open with computers/tablets/devices
You must have complete access to his phone, his devices, and his computer. If he says that he’s stopped using porn, but he won’t let you see his phone, that’s a HUGE red flag. It doesn’t mean that you have to check on him all the time (that’s what an accountability partner is for). But it means that you should be able to pick up his stuff and use it without him freaking.
Use Covenant Eyes or something like it
Install the Covenant Eyes program on your phones and computers and devices. It’s accountability and filtering–meaning that everyone in your household gets their own account, and that allows them to access the internet based on their age/issues. So a 6-year-old sees less than a 13-year-old who sees less than an adult. But if you don’t want to use it for filtering like that, you don’t have to. You can only use the accountability side, where if anyone tries to access a site they shouldn’t, someone of your choice (the accountability partner, preferably) gets sent an email.
This helps you know that when he’s online, he won’t be searching for porn anymore. Or at least it will be a lot harder, and the temptation will be largely limited.
Go to counseling with him
If he is seeing a counselor–wonderful! But it would be a good idea to do at least a few sessions with him so you reassure yourself about what he’s hearing, and a counselor helps you talk through some of the trust issues. You may also need some counseling yourself to work through your grief.
Rebuild Your Friendship
When I speak, I often say this: when you lose the ability to talk about the little things in marriage, it becomes even harder to talk about the big things.
When you’re friends, you talk and share about your day. You laugh together. You do stuff together.
When you’re battling porn that often goes away (and with many of these couples they never had that because he was so secretive, living a double life, and just wanted to get away from his wife so he could have some time on the computer).
But that friendship provides the goodwill so that you can talk about the big things. Without that goodwill, each big issue seems even bigger. Is this the one that will break our marriage? Your marriage becomes all about tension.
You need that friendship again so that you can be honest about sex and how you’re going to rebuild it.
So go on walks together everyday. Talk about your day. Start a new hobby together that doesn’t involve a screen! Play some board games as a couple. Do something where you spend time together with low stress.
Talk About How to Rebuild Sex
Here’s the challenge with starting sex again: you can’t resume where you left off. You have to do something totally new, because your sex life in the past, if it was based on porn, was corrupted.
You want to begin to experience real intimacy in the bedroom–something you likely never have. In the past, sex has been only physical, because he hasn’t been mentally present (since he needs the fantasy about porn to get aroused). So we have to rewire his sexual response so that what becomes arousing is YOU, not a fantasy of replaying porn in his head.
That takes time.
I’ve written before about how to restart a sexual relationship after pornography, and how to rewire your brain after pornography. Both are difficult, but they are totally doable! And God absolutely wants to help you have such an abundant life in this area.
But you can’t until you’ve got some honesty.
So talk to him about how we need to rewire his brain so sex is about intimacy, not pornography.
That means that if you’re making love and images enter his head, he should stop, and you guys should start touching and talking again so he can refocus on you. That may mean that sex takes a long time–but if he keeps going if the fantasy is there, he’s feeding the fantasy, and he’s actually working AGAINST healing.
It also means taking a lot of time just touching and learning how arousing it can be to just be naked together as you talk and touch and become vulnerable. It’s not a quick, dirty thing; it’s an intimate thing.
But you have to talk to him about this BEFORE you start having sex again. Don’t expect him to just “get” this. Talk about your expectations and your plans.
31 Days to Great Sex is a wonderful tool for rebuilding your sex life after pornography. The first few days help you to just talk about your sex life. Then you spend a few days just touching each other and exciting each other that way–which can help him to experience how arousing just touch can be. Then you learn how to flirt and be affectionate again, which is such a key component of a good sex life.
As you move through the month and try some of the spicier challenges, you also get the opportunity to talk about how porn may have rewired his brain, and what you are going to do about it. So if you have trouble articulating some of these things, 31 Days to Great Sex can help you start these conversations–and it’s a great way to start into sex again carefully! And the ebook format is only $4.99–so you can’t go wrong.
Find out more here.
I Know You’re Hurt–But Sex Can Also Help Healing
One last thought–I don’t know how long the above steps will take. For some people, this will be a quick thing. For other couples it will not.
But here’s what I will say:
once a guy has really repented and is taking steps to change, then don’t take too long to invite him back.
He’s fighting the battle of his life right now.
You can be one of his best weapons in fighting that porn!
And with him feeling like you’re on his side, fighting WITH him, not AGAINST him, it will be so much easier to heal.
I know you’re hurt. And you need to work through that. But don’t prolong that process too long, because you want an intimate marriage. And that’s largely up to you.
Of course this can’t be rushed. It would be foolish to jump back in bed if he’s not serious about healing, or if he’s still secretive about computers. It would be foolish if he doesn’t acknowledge that porn has changed his arousal process and that he needs fantasy to get aroused. But if he does acknowledge this, if he is trying, if he is in recovery–then be his ally!
What do you think? Any advice for this woman? If you’ve ever walked through a marriage with a porn addict, what helped you rebuild your sex life? Let us know in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I feel the need to challenge this post somewhat as I don’t hear any love or respect in this woman’s post.
This man is her husband and while porn use is wrong and is a problem it should not stigmatize a person and prevent normal love and respect in my opinion. People have problems in marriage. Some people have food addictions, gambling addictions, abuse alcohol, lie about important problems, etc. I think porn use falls into this class of problems. They cannot be ignored and they cannot be dismissed as “no big deal” but it doesn’t help for a spouse to focus on them and use them as a reason to show disrespect and witholding of affection.
Sorry but I think problems have to be put into perspective. If I came home and witnessed my wife using porn in my bed I would feel insecure and want to find out why she feels the need to do this. But I would still love and respect her and want to be intimate with her. If I came home and witnessed my wife having sex with a man in our bed then I would feel betrayed and seek separation until we could deal with this crisis. The first event is a problem and the second event is a crisis. Let’s not confuse the difference between the two.
Ummm….a 13 year addiction to porn is a CRISIS. He cannot be aroused by his wife. that is serious, and not a small problem. 13 years of a wife withholding would also be a crisis–very similar serious sexual sin.
My husband and I been married 7 years and he has not been able to look at me in the eyes during sex, I am a piece of meat in which he uses only my backside to aroused…he cannot penetrate me because his axdiction to porn has corrupted his view of real sex. I have been patient…most nights I’m alone and only if I initiate will he do anything with me. I do all the work. He tells me it feels like a chore for him to be with me. I never could understand why. I’m skinnier than I was before he married me but he insists on sleeping on the couch every night to be with his porn over me. I have thoughts of suicide and depression over this..if this isn’t a crisis I don’t know what is……
Laura, that is a crisis! That is just so sad. Can you talk to him about what you believe porn has taken from him–the ability to be intimate? I’d recommend showing him this post on the top 10 effects of porn and ask him if this is really how he wants to live. And if it is, then I’d consider taking some major steps.
I am a husband battling this lust problem. I grew up thinking porn was normal and used it for 25 years before I got married and have been our entire marriage (I’m 32). I hate myself for not being able to stop. I am working so hard now and looking for advise.
I want you to know, it is not you, it is not how you look. His brain is damaged as is mine. He physically cant see you for the beautiful sexual woman you are because his mind is corrupted. Don’t blame yourself, please! It is not you, I beg you.
Love him and pray for him, only God can convict him of his failing and heal him.
Please don’t hurt yourself, my heart breaks for you as for my wife for the damage us men have caused. God bless you.
I am so new to all of this. Reading your comment Meant something to me. I would love for you to reach out and give me some words of advice for my breaking heart please
Steven, thank you for your candor and transparency on here. I know this post was 6 mo. Ago, but it really helped me tonight, I’ve been plagued with suicidal thoughts since I found out about my husband just last week. And he is saying everything you said up above and is encouraging me to seek help to deal with the emotions I’m left with and do not know how to process… But it helped just a bit to hear from someone else. I hope your recovery is successful! I’ll be praying for you and your wife 😇
The one thing I’m learning through this is; Don’t take on his sin. It’s not you, or your fault. Porn changes the way a person thinks. We need to find our value in Christ. Our husband’s will never be able to handle this without first getting a closer relationship with God, a real relationship. Then having his wife as his cheerleader, not dressed up or anything, just fighting for him. Let him know you are willing if he is. 13 years of marriage, and my husband just made the steps in changing. He found an accountability partner, he’s reading the bible. He’s making changes to show me love. Trust me you can’t force him, it will never stick being forced. Hang in there honey. You are beautiful, you are wonderfully made in God’s image!
I found out last year after 22 years of marriage to a christian man and 17 of those years he never touched me (all my fault). I felt that he just killed our marriage. We’ve been to counseling after i looked in to divorce and went through PTSD. Im better now and he tells me porn is not a problem anymore..but…now he plays video games on his phone and computer which are now in the living room. I do not want to be the porn police. He totally ignores me. Still no intimacy. In other words nothing has changed in the relationship except that he stopped porn????? I had to go to another state to be with my sick daughter for 4 weeks. He barely texted or called me but said he missed me terribly. I got home got a hug made Thanksgiving dinner while he played his video games. I can’t stand this. Any advice? He goes to a weekly group for men with this addiction. I feel so lonely and bone dry. My first husband was addicted to strip club and divorced me when i found out. I went from the frying pan into the fire. Please…any advice
With all due respect, I see your point about the difference in a problem in a crisis but I think you need to understand that for a woman to find her husband using porn that is a crisis. That fact has the potential to totally devastate her as a woman. She will fill unloved, unattractive, unsexy and used. Basically, her whole marriage is a lie. She can never measure up to a bunch of fake/ photo shopped pictures of countless other women on the internet. How can she be sure her husband is really being intimate with her when he probably has tons of pictures of other women in his head? She may even feel the need to be intimate with her husband as a way of fighting her own insecurities on the matter. ( That is not a good reason but it happens.) And yes, she may feel like ending the marriage she is so devastated. That makes this a crisis. From what I understand, men are said to separate sex and intimacy in their minds and can have one without the other. I don’t think you will find many women who are able to do that or want to do that. Sex is more than just the physical. Every situation is different but I say that in a porn situation the very least the guilty one must do is own up to it, take responsibility for it, give the other party some time to deal with the issues and allow time for trust to be rebuilt. The hurt person must take responsibility for their own actions and mistakes but they also need time to heal and a loving spouse should understand that and allow healing to take place.
I disagree about porn use merely being a “problem”, while affairs qualify as a ” crisis”. Men & women, in general, seem to view the use of porn quite differently. To a woman, finding out your husband has been using porn throughout your marriage can be devastating. We feel betrayed, unwanted, unloved. We feel that we weren’t good enough. Obviously this may not be the case for ALL women, but it is a common reaction. Yes, we should still love & respect our husbands. However, this is an extremely painful thing to go through as a woman, and we may certainly feel that we were not loved & respected. So we feel hurt, & healing takes time. It takes even longer when the spouse does not seek change/treatment, or if he does but there are relapse periods. Please don’t minimize the effects porn can have on marriages. It can tear them apart just as much as a physical affair.
@Christine,
You said everything I’ve wanted to say, only, you said it nicely. lol
Ever since I found out in our third year, I’ve been burned several times by porn within me and my husband’s marriage.
Its been an addiction for him for more than a decade now.
He started when he was 12.
For me, porn is definitely cheating.
And if I could (financially), we’d leave him.
Then we’d return 6 months after he’d successfully complete a program (yes, after almost 10 years of marriage, I’ve given it quite some thought).
I have three girls under the age of 9 to worry about.
God forbid they catch him in the act. I’d have to kick him out at that point.
Hi Roger, great thoughts, though I think you should know that the betrayal of a porn addiction IS adultery. (And I don’t know any godly woman who would disagree with me.) The writer here just found out that her 13 year marriage has been A LIE and her husband is not the man she thought he was. If that isn’t a crisis then I don’t know what is.
He also has not shown any signs of repentance, which is not a problem but a crisis. Until he has given her evidence that he is working to rewire his brain to be aroused by her and not his mental fantasies from porn, every time they have sex he is sinning against her and against God, and against himself. He is making the healing process take longer every time he slips into fantasy during sex because that is the opposite of intimacy. Allowing her husband to have sex AT her with no evidence of repentance is SEVERELY damaging to all parties and should not be resumed until his repentance and effort to heal is apparent. Until he can stay present with her, it isn’t intimacy; it’s sin.
Kay, I agree that acknowledgement and repentance is very important context. This is true in many of the types of problems that I mentioned. For example, if my spouse had a drinking problem there is a big difference between her acknowledging the problem or being in denial.
When people say that porn IS adultery, however, I have to respectfully disagree. I come back to my example. I would not feel betrayal and that our marriage was in crisis if I discovered my spouse had been using porn or some other unfaithful behavior like flirting with a man at a party or inappropriate chat room discussion. Again, these ARE problems and her being in denial would make them serious problems but I would not accuse her of adultery. I really have to say that it’s harmful to accuse someone of a very specific sin because they are performing behaviors that are pathways to that sin.
The Greek word, ‘porneia,’ in the Bible has been used to describe fornication and adultery but actually, it describes both and much, much more. It means any kind of illicit sexual intercourse. Any kind of repeated porneia is a serious problem and repeated and unrepentant porneia can break the marriage bond. I was a former member of an online Christian women’s group. Several of our members were married to men dealing with pornography. It was devastating because it wasn’t just a dirty habit. These men were unable to perform sexually with their wives. In fact, they were unable to achieve any kind of real intimacy with them (including nonsexual intimacy). One woman decided that she’d make herself available to her husband every night, thinking she could be the cure for his porn addiction. She’d dress as seductively as possible and promise him a wonderful evening, While she awaited him in their marriage bed, he, otoh, would pass out in front of the computer after satisfying his porn desires. She’d find him there the next morning. This happened often and I’m sure he’s not the only husband who has been rendered unable to deal with a real flesh-and-blood woman after having been exposed to porn.
I’m sorry, I have to disagree. Repeated and unrepentant pornography is adultery in my eyes. This includes repeated fantasizing and lusting after a person (or persons) other than one’s spouse and we all know what Jesus had to say about that. It’s all about the heart, the intention.
Agreed! And well said by the way.
Question though: Would you say that a long-time porn addiction classifies as “unrepentant pornography” if the man has repented, then relapsed several times?
I must speak out in defense of this blog here. Anyone who reads it faithfully, would know that this blog is all about love and respect in marriage for both the husband and the wife. The fact that those words were not specifically mentioned in that post is to only focus on the wrong issue. This blog also is very supportive of Christian marriage and Christian sexuality. Yes, spouses should love and respect each other through any problem but porn is very different from other problems. To a woman porn is adultery and a husband needs to be understanding of that and to not blame their wives or the internet for it. Anything less that that is splitting hairs. Porn is a form of adultery. It causes complete betrayal in a marriage and a wife can be greatly hurt by it even if some people do not want to accept that. To think a wife can continue to have sex unchanged with her husband out of love and respect without dealing with the issue just does not make any sense. Women are not wired that way and again all that does is separate sex and intimacy as men are often prone to do. Refusing to call porn adultery does not make it any less adultery just because a person who uses porn does not want it to be so.
Well said! Thanks so much, Beth.
As for those particular words not being mentioned–the original post was 2,800 words. I’m trying desperately not to write a post more than 2000 words, so I end up cutting a TON every morning. Everything I write is so complex, and it’s hard to keep things short. I think people need to realize I can’t say everything all the time! 🙂
“But I tell you, anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart:” Matthew 5:28
I think that’s pretty darn clear. Porn is adultery. The first time, and every time after that. Plain and simple. It IS a crisis.
@Stacey,so you would honestly react the *same* way to finding your husband with a woman in bed as you would with finding him watching pornography? Please forgive me if I appear to be argumentative as I just want to try and highlight the significance of language. When we say something is a *crisis*, it’s not just a term to use for a serious problem. It means that immediate intervention *must* take place (separation/divorce, arrest/imprisonment, therapy, etc.). I would not live in the same house as a person who is having sex with another man and refuses to admit it or end it. The affair must end or the unfaithful spouse must move out (inevitably followed by divorce if there is no repentance). Are you *really* making the same statement about pornography? Out of respect, I will stop posting and let and you/others have the last word.
Yes, that is what we are saying. Most women would tell you that our husbands using porn is devastating to us. They are breaking their vows of faithfulness to us by looking at & fantasizing about other women’s bodies. It makes us feel rejected, unwanted, unchosen. Not the beautiful, cherished brides we wish to be for our husbands. It destroys our sense of trust & intimacy.
Roger, yes, I would say that pornography is a crisis and that immediate action must take place.
Yes @Roger, the pain and betrayal feel the same. It is indeed a crisis for a marriage.
Roger,
You asked Stacey how she would feel about finding her husband in bed with another woman compared to catching him watching porn. I’m really not trying not to cause trouble here, but I think a better person to ask is God. Would God react any differently seeing Stacey’s husband or any other Christian husband in bed with a woman other than his wife, compared to catching him watching porn. I can’t find scripture to support that God would view the 2 scenarios any differently, no matter what Stacey what may think.
Great point, AC!
God said that to look upon a woman with lust is adultery. So yes, it is adultery. And if your spouse is masturbating to the image of another person or getting lustful and excited talking to another person, sorry pal, it is adultery. And it hurts, and it robs you of everything you’ve built your marriage upon, especially trust.
Adultery is a good definition of porn use. I stumbled on my husband’s google history and had a dozen graphic videos involving several people men master bating women performing oral…it was abomination. The word porn comes from the Greek pornea
Which means to fornicate. Guys, go ahead and believe that porn does not offend God . You will have your part in hell for your stubborn Lust.
….or seriously repent and turn your soul back over the God before He turns you over to a reprobate mind.
I don’t read any love or respect in the post, either. The article states that usually porn use precedes marriage, but conventiently fails to mention whether porn use was ever discussed before marriage. The younger wives who got married after the internet generation started really have no excuse; they should be aware of the availability of internet porn. It seems much easier to have a Holier-Than-Thou attitude after marriage, as expressed in this article, than doing due diligence and discussing this issue before marriage.
Two things you might want to consider. First, we aren’t discussing an unmarried couple, we’re discussing a couple who have been married for some time and have a major problem. Saying they should have talked about the porn use before marriage is all well and good, but doesn’t do a thing toward fixing the problem now. Secondly, even if they had discussed it before marriage, there’s no guarantee the woman would have realized the full extent of the problem anyway. If the man lied about his porn use (very tempting, when you consider what he stood to lose) the woman might still have to handle her husband’s porn addiction at this point, despite doing everything right.
I’m not sure I understand your point. Yes, all young couples today should discuss porn use and views on the matter prior to marriage. However even if a couple doesn’t do this it doesn’t change anything. He is still sinning, he is still hurting his wife, and he is neglecting her. Even if they had talked about it, she can express her feelings though I agree with you, it should be done in love.
Frankly I think your attitude is very problematic as it has a tone of blame towards wives, suggesting that if they hadn’t talked about this with their husbands before getting married then they shouldn’t be surprised, bothered, or complain. This is completely wrong and is rather reminiscent of blaming rape victims for what happened because they wore provocative clothing.
Interesting how the men commenting on here have a totally different perspective on this. Although men are more often the perpetrators and women the victim, both men and women can have this addiction. A man’s defensive attitude, I personally would see as a red flag. Maybe some men just truly cannot empathize with a woman’s feelings on this subject. If they are true Christians tho, there IS no wiggle room. The Bible is very clear on this subject.🤔
Firstly, respect is not something that can be demanded. It does have to be earnt. Yes, marriage vows need to be honoured as much as is physically possible, but that is in no way a blank cheque for the other person to sin at will and demand honour in return.
Secondly, Matthew 5:28 is pretty unambiguous. It is a perfectly reasonable expectation that a Christian woman who is either married to or considering marrying a professing Christian man, will expect that man to be faithful in heart and action. It is also most reasonable to expect a Christian man would seek to live in a way pleasing to the Lord Himself!
Keep in mind that many of us did talk about it prior to marriage. Even though he had used it in the past, he assured me I was enough for him and he no longer needed or wanted it. He continued to tell me the same story for the next 9 years, and only admitted the truth once confronted with evidence. I chose to trust him and respect him all those years only to be betrayed. Whose fault is that?
I’m so sorry! That really is just so heartbreaking. And all too, too common. I think the key is this: If they’ve used it in the past, then they need to have an accountability partner NOW. It isn’t enough to say “I no longer need it or want it.”
What if you found your wife in bed with a guy but he wasnt touching her? Both naked and pleasuring themselves? Internet porn is rarely static. Not cheesy 70’s movies. Not even actors. A lot is real people with web cams. So someone else is directly giving the viewer pleasure, albeit, it’s just with the viewer’s own hands. So it is not as black and white as it seems.
Great point, Linda!
To comment number one. The challenge with your reasoning is that you’re separating the porn and adultery. Jesus says if you so much as think about sex with another woman you are committing adultery in your heart. Pornography is just that. A matter of the heart.
Girl shut up. You sound completely insensitive to the wife’s needs. You sound like an enabler.
My husband had the same issue–started watching porn before he ever met me, even as a teen, and I found out about it about 5 years into our marriage. We’ve been married 13 years now. Initially, he was angry with me for finding out, saying I was the problem. I had enough self-esteem to know differently. He eventually talked to a friend of ours who somehow broke through and he attended a support group through our church to get help. He got to a point where I felt comfortable to remove Covenant Eyes from our computers about two years ago, though I do check his browsing history on his phone and computer occasionally, but he’s been good–and usually is looking at news or shopping for auto parts. 🙂
I can’t remember stopping sex during that time. Admittedly, about three weeks before I discovered it, I had a miscarriage, so we weren’t able to for a few weeks anyway. But for me at least, I needed that connection in that time because I was hurting from the miscarriage, and I wanted to let him know I didn’t hold the porn against him. I was angry, yes, and I insisted he got help, but I wasn’t going to let it destroy our marriage. And I didn’t trust him for a long time–he had to rebuild that. But we got through it, and our marriage is stronger for it.
“Initially, he was angry with me for finding out, saying I was the problem. I had enough self-esteem to know differently.”
The line about self esteem is very significant to me. It’s really eye-opening. Makes me want to stand up for myself more.
I am SO sorry for your miscarriage. I lost our first baby, I know your pain. I’m so sorry.
This subject is for both sexes. I personally been fighting this on a different level that most think is ok. Female porn (romance novels / movies) also rewires the brain in women on what they want sexually. That cant be acheived! My wife has a good life from what her friends tell me. But its not enough. She started reading these romance novels and at first it increased our Sex life. For me it was a plus. She started working past her hangups on certain postions and worked away from the same old routine we had in bed. Then i couldnt compete with her “book boyfriends” because her brain was being rewired under my nose. With women sexual attraction is 80-90% mental va men is 90% visual and hands on. I couldnt start the night flying to a romantic place, or putting rose pedals on the beach leading to a dinner for two under candlelight! When our act was over her life sucked. In the books no one was having to do laundry, clean houses, pay the bills, deal with real life and my end of her romantic life was worse so she atilopped sex all together. Its been 5 years now. Still no aexual activity but in her books. 1000’s of books using money we dont have. We never had fights until romance novels came into her life. Makes me feel like im Not a man anymore. I want and desire her but she shows no signs in return. She says to
Me “sex is not
Part of a marriage!” Huh?
Have you taken this to the leaders of your church? As a woman if my husband was having an unrepentant affair, I would eventually have to take him to church leadership? Why do not men/women do the same when their spouse refuses to have normal intimate relations with them? She is in sin and is not honoring God. And you need to set up some boundaries and consequences until she is willing to work on this area of your marriage or figure out what her problems are.
When she started being obsessed with Romance Novels was back in 2009 when she lost her job due to her job going overseas. It threw her for a loop. She had alot of time on her hands. She never read a book the 25 years I knew her before this. A friend of hers got her hooked on the Romance Novels at that time and she dove in quick head first and it consumed her. Trading books with other friends she met on Facebook who had groups discussing these books, all women who like the same books series it became a whole obsession with her. 18 hours a day I would count she would read these books to talk about them online with others. Our house has now a library (one of the spare bedrooms she converted) for her thousands of romance books bought with money we didn’t have. The hard back, paper backs, signed books by the authors (all of the same books), posters, etc etc its crazy. She has the Nook, Amazon, iPad copies of all the books as well. Completely ignoring me and our girls and religion. No reason given but she wouldn’t even talk to me for 10 min total a week. She would stop feeding the dogs, watering the dogs and the birds and other animals leaving it all to me. The kids would eat Little C’s pizzas every night when I was late working 2-3 jobs to make up for her not having a job. We were going to church up to her loosing her job. But she stopped that quick. She knew she was doing wrong in God’s eyes but she didn’t care. I kept going to church and support groups when I could. She turned against religion as if it was the problem. I know on my end that God was watching over me. I would be gone working 2-3 jobs and only sleeping 2 hours a night and stressed out and I still got through it all. Sometimes I lived in my car, it was my dining room & bedroom at times when I was away working. I would only eat once every 2-3 days to make sure the family had food before I did because money was tight! This went on for 4 years until she finally found a job. She never really looked for one she just laid around reading books. We never fought at all ever until this. It was hard on me so much I had 3 minor strokes over it all and she wouldn’t even visit me in the hospital, I would log online on facebook on my phone and see she was chatting in a book group while I laid in the hospital. That hurt! She had to be on facebook talking about these books. She said she never read the sex parts she skipped over them. But i heard her one day in the garage telling some woman on the phone that the new book was awesome and the sex was “hot hot hot” and so I confronted her about this. She blew up at me as always. She is now on meds for depression and since life at home is much much better. She has backed off the books about 95%. We talk now and no more fights. But sexually we are not there! And I don’t know if we ever could be there again. Its up to her! I hate saying that because it takes two. Not feeling wanted hurts! I can’t even hold her hand. Her hand is like holding a dead fish. I haven’t in 5+ years now even touched her. I tried but always pushed away. She thinks that’s normal and ok and she never thinks she does no wrong. Even in counseling she would blow up when cornered. And she says “sex is not part of a marriage”. And I think its the glue that keeps a marriage alive. This whole thing is so hard on me but I can’t push the issue either with her and I don’t! This is the Cliff Notes version of my story the past 5 years by the way. Everyone who hears my story says I should write a book. Its amazing all I went through hanging in there where everyone says they would of divorced and left. The only thing missing now after alot of hard work and especially alot of patience on my end is the sexual stuff. We are talking again, going to dinner again and even went to see a movie. Baby steps I guess. But I have all along desired her, never changed my ways and that part was hard not getting anything (not even a smile when I walked in the door) in return for years. All I can do is keeping on doing what I am doing as long as I see progress is being made. And praying hard!
Miguel, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. It sounds like you guys have tried counseling but it’s not working for her because it’s a heart issue that she refuses to address. Until she wants to change, sadly, your relationship won’t change. She may not realize it until it’s too late! Keep praying for her, and keep on loving her and trying to see her through the eyes of Jesus. Your perseverance is inspiring! I will be praying for you and your family!!!
I’m so sorry you are going through this. She is missing out on an amazing marriage and I hope she realizes it before it’s too late.
I agree with you wholeheartedly, that romance novels and certain movies & TV shows can be the equivalent of porn and also qualify as infidelity.
Yes, I would agree, and that’s what I counsel spouses to do as well.
I think its something youd really have to work through and hopefully he becomes accountable to someone. I would not want to have sex with my husband if I caught him physically stimulating himself to a video or pics of other women. I would feel extremely insecure and turned OFF. I would have to force myself.
That was my wife’s reaction too, some years ago, when we were going through this extremely difficult period. After I told her about my struggle with porn, sexual content, and masturbation addiction, she paused our intimacy, and required me to be completely free of these three things for a good time before she would consider reestablishing it. She was very hurt, which I completely understand. Back then I felt that her decision puts me in a sort of catch 22 situation. But instead, I think it pushed me to man up and finally do the steps towards permanent stopping of these bad habits. I think now that if she had been more forgiving back then, when I was still struggling, I would have stayed stuck even longer in that awful period of trying hard to quit but not quite managing yet.
Dean, that is really, really interesting. Thank you for being so vulnerable. That really helps. I’ve often advised women to do this, but have gotten a lot of pushback. Thank you for being honest.
Thank you, Sheila. My wife is a psychologist, so I guess that was a big factor in our favor. I give her most of the credit for my successful quitting.
I think that ultimately, she shouldn’t return to her bed until she feels comfortable with it. If she decides to be with him physically before she is ready, she likely won’t have a very good encounter, which will only further the damage. Sex is a great idea if she wants to be with him, not pressured to be with him. Going to counseling with her husband is a great idea if he wants her to come. If she has seen a genuine change in his behavior then she might be close to a place where they can re-build.
Because the poem use was the entire marriage and he was caught and confronted rather than confessed and sought his own help, I honestly think he needs to start over. They need to start dating again, building friendship as you say, and work their way up the intimacy ladder. Hold hands, arms around the shoulders, hugs, kisses, French kisses, making out, heavy petting, then making love. Over time.
She may not be having sex with him, but he is the one who never made true love with her and destroyed what God intended. He needs major adjustment and repair and she needs to build trust and intimacy with him….the right way this time.
I agree with part of what Roger and Joe have said, there is no normal Iove or respect mentioned. The man obviously didn’t love or respect his wife or his wedding vows enough to flee from lust and stay true to his wedding vows and his wife. Love and respect go both ways guys. There is no love or respect in porn.
Yes for what it’s worth, I totally agree that his porn use is unloving and disrespectful. I am definitely *not* defending his porn use.
Are we REALLY going to have another one of those posts where there are are a bunch of comments by men saying porn isn’t all that bad, or maybe it’s the woman’s fault, or maybe the woman was stupid for marrying the guy because she should have known about the porn use? Those of you who leave that kind of comment have no idea how much it hurts some people to read it. I’m talking about Christian women who have been trying to do everything right and love their husbands, but they’ve been betrayed repeatedly. I can assure you God counts each one of our tears. He is very close to the brokenhearted. Sometimes that’s the only thing we can hold on to while some of these men thrown accusations at us.
Amen AC! Until you have walked through this particular storm, others judgement and comments cannot only be hurtful but dangerous! I thank God that my husband’s (male) therapist repeatedly reminded me that my husbands porn use/addiction had NOTHING to do with me. Porn users typically are searching for something that they deem as missing within themselves and unfortunately look in the wrong place to fill it. That included men of faith. Porn preys on this.
Thanks so much for saying that! I wholeheartedly agree with you. Many men are quick to blame the wives in the situation, but even if the wife was withholding sex from her husband, he made a conscious decision to look at porn and betray his wife. It was his decision, and he should be the one held responsible for his actions. The wife doesn’t need any more guilt or shame heaped upon her; she needs love, compassion, and support while she finds healing. Telling her it’s her fault is the opposite of helping her find healing, and it’s not compassionate or truthful at all. I really wish men understood just how much it hurts when they say things that are so harsh and judgmental while having no idea how much strength it takes just to be able to get up in the morning and feed your kids after crying yourself to sleep.
I sure hope we don’t have ignorant comments like the ones you mentioned as I would be the first to disagree with any of those ideas.
I have walked her walk. Two weeks before my 21st anniversary my world crashed around me as a direct result of my husband’s porn addiction. While in retrospect, there were indeed signs; nothing prepares you for the feeling of betrayal. As you begin going through past events in your mind, realizing that all the weird vibes, strange requests, blame for lack of his “attraction”, and loss of connection are all due to an addiction that society still says is not really “real” or a big deal. Trust me…it is a BIG deal.
Only by God’s grace can I say that my husband was rocked to the core when he realized how high-jacked he had become by his porn use and immediately went into a program to get help. I also sought therapy to help me understand what was happening, and we attended therapy together as well. I can gratefully say that together, we have built a far stronger marriage through this and will shortly celebrate our 25th anniversary.
All that being said, restoring trust takes time and commitment. There is no magic answer for when you will trust again. And the even bigger ugly secret is that for men overcoming a porn addition, the odds of them having erectile disfunction when you start to being intimate again is very high. No one wants to talk about that consequence. It adds an entire new layer to the shame and insecurity that the porn user already is fighting. But if you’re prepared to add that to your battle as a couple, healing can occur.
For me, it took asking God to help me replace my resentment, embarrassment, and anger with forgiveness, compassion, and a tenacity like never before to fight for a restoration of my marriage. My husband and I are thrilled to now be on the other side of God’s Beauty for Ashes promise!
What worked for us: Prayer! Lots and lots of prayer!
Therapy through a program and therapists that REALLY understand the power that porn addition wields.
A steadfast commitment to NO FURTHER PORN USE.
Have any and all passwords to all electronics and a blocking system on the internet (while being aware that
someone that doesn’t really want to quit, can find a way around any and all of it.) Have password to all
social media sites; FB, Twitter, Instagram, etc. Porn seekers can find stuff on Pinterest! EVERY therapist we
worked with stressed the importance of transparency. (Early in my husbands recovery, he called to tell me
he had just seen a photo of a women that was part of a news story online, and was admitting that it
triggered him. It was a photo of a fully dressed female in a military uniform!) My point is everyone’s fight is
different, but brutal honesty is vital.
We even changed our TV viewing habits, the restaurants we visitied, etc. The more you understand this
addiction, the more you realize the triggers are everywhere! Things you may not have thought twice about
before, are clearly on the must go list.
Finally…I can’t speak more highly about the “Hold Me Tight” program by Dr. Sue Johnson. There is a
book/workbook series, but if you can make it to one of the intensive couples weekends, please do! It’s
transformative in helping restore any relationship that is struggling for any reason.
A website that my husband and I have found very helpful is http://www.nofap.org. Sorry about the name! It’s a secular site, basically an online community of people determined to quit porn and supporting each other along the way. It has a lot of practical tools,ideas,and information, for both porn addicts and their wives.
I agree, Erin! This is a really good site (though the language is awful at times. 🙂 ) But the guys are really honest about porn has done to them–and the site clearly lays out how to break the addiction. The only thing missing is God–I can’t imagine trying to break the addiction without His help! But the info there is great, as are the personal stories.
Sheila, one thing I’d love for you to address, and maybe you will over the next few days, is this. How is a wife to know if the problem in her home is an actual porn addiction? Not all porn users have gone so far as to become addicted, right? I think it’s safe to say that the men (and women) who watch every day are addicted, if it’s been going on for some time. My husband has had a problem, but I don’t necessarily think it became an addiction. But am I just blind to the truth? BTW, God is great, and we are on the right track now.
That’s a good question! I’ll try to work it in on Wednesday–I’m planning something similar and it may work then. Thanks for the suggestion!
AC,
great question. I am not going to even attempt to say porn is not bad or someone else’s falt, not true. I can say I did not view porn for the first 24 years of my marriage and only have done it ~30 times in the last three years. I can say our intimacy issues are not related to porn. My wife knows I viewed it as was hurt, I totally get that. I do not suffer from those things like I don’t find my wife attractive, I can’t perform because of porn or I try an act out things seen on porn, so I surmise I am not a porn addict. our issue is I find her very attractive and desire intimacy with her often, twice a week would be grand. she tells me she is a once every 7 to 10 days kind of gal. when I tell her that it hurts my feelings, makes me feel unattractive and undesired when she just lays there, hardly even touches me and says NOT ONE WORD, her response us ” well you knew I was raised Catholic!”my suggestion is talk with your man, encourage him to seek Godly support to resist the temptation. also, ask yourself, am I investing in the intimacy of our marriage? not just being available. my wife claims she has never “refused ” me in 27 years, she is totally right. but when she has only initiated 4 or 5 times in 27 years, that will really work on a husband’s self esteem. hope this helps a tad bit
SM,
That’s really sad! Does your wife read this blog? Sheila has great articles on here that would really speak to your wife if she would listen. I hope she does. It’s not God’s will for marriages to be destroyed!
Please get help and stop using porn if you haven’t already. God really does have better things for you!
AC, thanks for the words of encouragement. I have showed her this blog along with Julie and “intimacy in Marriage”. She felt threatened and made the comment to me that ‘I should email those ladies and tell them to stop putting unrealistic expectations in the minds of Christian husbands”. I know, where do i go with that? I don’t have a porn issue and don’t look at anymore. So, yes i have looked at it but i am not an addict, so to answer your original question, not every man becomes an addict. Blessings to your and your husband.
SM, I’m so very sorry for your predicament. Prayer can change things. Don’t lose hope. Please, keep praying for yourself, your wife and for your marriage. When I started praying for greater understanding of what sexual intimacy means in marriage, God answered. Again, I’m sorry for your pain.
I am in a situation very similar to the reader. If you don’t understand it, please don’t comment.
My husband betrayed me. He still continues to withhold himself from me emotionally. We have had sex at various times since I worked out he was watching porn. But I don’t think we’ve ever really been intimate in any sense. He can you be when there is a secret kept hidden, taking it into your marriage to your new wife? One of the things that still breaks my heart is the thought that my husband couldn’t tell me about his porn habit but choose to cover it up.
I have no easy answer. I can’t remember the last time I told my husband I love him because I don’t feel like I do. I think what ‘libl’ has written sounds like very wise advice – to take things back to the start again. The relationship definitely need to be about 2 hearts and not just 2 bodies.
Take your time and keep the communication open with your husband, ask him to be patient with how you feel as your response will not be rational as this is a deeply emotional hurt. Recognise your own grief process for the marriage you thought you had but have now lost and talk about it together.
Stay close to God. Next to my bed I have the verse:
“Do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen and help you: I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ” Isaiah 44:10
I cry with you and for you.
Porn is so prevalent in our society, and it seems that even a lot of Christian men fall prey. My husband was addicted before we got married, but stopped it a few years before we got married. He confessed it to me (he brought it up) before we got married and asked for forgiveness. And I forgave him, and he forgave me for past mistakes I had made as well. However, I was naive to think that porn was not a temptation for him since we were married and had a good decision life…
Last year we hit a rough patch financially, and he turned to porn for a few days before I discovered it on his phone. I thank God he brought it to light, even as devastating as it was. God doesn’t want to see his sons or daughters in bondage! I went through a lot of emotions, from disbelief, to anger, to rage, to heartbreak and a broken self-image. I was disgusted by my husband, and I felt like I’d been slapped in the face with deceit while I had been faithful and true to him. It was one of the most difficult times of our marriage.
However, God had a better plan, and we worked through it together, and are now closer and stronger than ever. I contemplated about withholding sex for a time, but I prayed about it a lot, and I asked God to help me give grace. I’m sure if he had still been harboring his addiction, we would’ve abstained at least for a time to rewire his brain. I did tell him that I wanted him to stop if we were having sex and images were coming up in his head.
The hardest part was the fact that I caught him and he wasn’t honest with me, so I told him he needed to be honest so I knew that he could be trustoworthy. I also had a well-meaning family member tell me through his wife that I didn’t need to abstain from sex because it would make the problem worse, and that hurt because I felt like I was subtly being blamed. Honestly, that decision should be between a husband a wife! Although obviously, the end goal of abstaining should be reconciliation!
One thing that really helped me move forward after everything that happened was refusing to nurse my hurts. It’s normal and natural to grieve over being hurt, but then I think there is a time for us to move forward and find healing and reconcile with our spouse. Trust also is something that should be both given and earned. You will never trust your spouse if they never prove themselves trustworthy…but if they’re being trustworthy and you’re just being suspicious, you’re only going to frustrate your spouse.
Overall, I think the thoughts in this post are good! Thank you,Sheila, for being willing to tackle the hard issues that no one wants to talk about. 🙂
Thanks so much for that story, Nicole! That’s wonderful.
And I agree–if someone is being trustworthy, then you also need to start moving back towards intimacy. You can’t just nurse the hurt. The goal needs to be restoration, and if the other person has made those steps–you need to, too, knowing that some of the steps may still take a long time.
That’s supposed to say “sex life”, not decision life! Hahaha! ?
wow Nicole, that is an awesome testimony. I know many will be encouraged by your transparency
To male readers of these posts, I believe some of us would prefer an actual affair. What I mean by this is, an actual affair can be cut-off, we could move away, perhaps have a verbal confrontation and instead with porn each time he logs on to an adult website it’s like another affair, his mistress is always within reach (his phone) and his mistress lives in our home, that’s one woman’s perspective.
His recovery seems to be a charade, there’s no honesty, no accountability partner, no counseling, he just pretends to quit until I calm down, then he’ll carry on, this time he’ll be sneakier.
The partners of porn addicts didn’t cause this, they were addicts long before we were in their lives.
You sum it up perfectly. I don’t even know if he’s a very sneaky addict, or an occasional user. I do know I can’t trust him at all, and am exhausted and wrung-out from dealing with it, to the point I don’t see a way back except permanent separation.
I’m here now and don’t know what to do. I’m trying my hardest . I stayed when he cheated and I caught him when he had all these online FB PM going on and the porn addiction.. I’m tired and idk what else to do.. he cant look me in the eyes he says I love you all day long but the intimacy is so gone.. I don’t feel nothing from him it’s like he does it just cause but I don’t feel nothing from him. Like he does not look at me during he looks around or has his eyes closed and its killing me and pushing me away.. #betrayedandlost
My husband confessed to using porn two months ago after four years of marriage. It has been something we talked about all through our marriage and he would reassure me that he was having victory, but what that meant to him and to me were vastly different. He is taking the steps that he needs to in order to break the addiction, which I am thankful for, but I feel so broken. I don’t know how to view him as anything other than disgusting. I don’t know how to love him anymore because I feel like our whole marriage has been a lie and I don’t even know the man I am married to. How am I ever supposed to feel beautiful when he tells me I am, when I know that he has thought that about many other women and chosen them over me for so many years? How do you begin feeling like you are special to your husband and not just another woman, or just the woman that he can actually have real sex with when he needs to? As he is building his relationship with God because he knows he has been forgiven and has had the burden of sin let go and also, feeling closer to me, I feel like I have taken on this heavy burden, my relationship with God is all of the sudden difficult, and I feel further than ever from him. How do you move forward with these things as a wife that wants to make her marriage succeed?
Ashley, that’s so hard. It really is! But please understand: so many women have walked this road, and they have recovered. You really can get to the other side!
I think one thing that can help is to understand that in your husband’s brain, the porn and you really are completely separate. If he watched porn when he was younger, he rewired his brain so that what was arousing was an image, not a person. So when he was using porn, he wasn’t thinking of actual people. It was totally dehumanizing. And what’s going to bring his sex drive back for you is to rewire his brain back so that intimacy is a big factor in arousal (which honestly can happen). I know as women we feel as if he’s cheating on us (and I really do think that they are), but in their brains, it isn’t like that. They’re two separate things. And what he really needs is intimacy. If he’s understanding that now, please believe that you can have victory!
Yes, make sure he’s in an accountability group and he’s getting some help. But you can get through. It has nothing to do with him finding porn more attractive than you. You could have been a supermodel and it would have made no difference, because to him, what’s arousing is an image, not a person. The fact that you’re a person is the problem; not the fact that you don’t look a certain way. And this can be retrained!
From my perspective, porn & adultery aren’t the same, but both are adulterous & unfaithful (per Jesus’ own words) & powerfully devastating & destructive to both wife, husband, children, & the marriage, just in different ways w/ some significant overlap. As for discussion of when to resume sexual intimacy, another key factor seems to be if “intimacy anorexia” is at play & for who. Thoughts? Would you say this factors in & how? From my perspective it compounds the complexity of it all, as does love addiction, & childhood trauma. Thoughts? Also, curious if the Sheila on here is also the same one who was on Brave Hearts Master Class? Thanks!