On Monday night I watched a streaming version of the War Room so I could tell you about it today for Wifey Wednesday.
The War Room is all about prayer–how a wife who starts to pray can bring such changes to her marriage.
I’ve been on a journey of prayer over the last year–praying more for my family and others than I have in a long time. It really has transformed my life in very fundamental ways. I’m learning more to recognize God’s voice. I love times of silence.
And I was so inspired by the movie. Just a quick synopsis (no spoilers, don’t worry!) and a few quick snapshots of what I liked:
Synopsis of the War Room:
Elizabeth, a real estate agent, is married to Tony, a workaholic, lying husband who is verging on an affair. They fight like cats and dogs. Their daughter feels alienated. Her life is falling apart.
In the course of her work, Elizabeth meets Clara, and older woman who senses the fight in Elizabeth. “If you’re fighting against your husband,” says Clara, “you’re fighting against your marriage.” So true!
And so Clara shows Elizabeth her “favourite room in the house”–her War Room, where she does all her fighting. It’s a closet in her bedroom set up with a chair and papered with prayer requests and answers.
Elizabeth starts praying, and God starts moving.
Now for the Snapshots of the War Room:
Clara asks what Elizabeth and Tony do well in their marriage. “Fighting’s about all we do,” says Elizabeth. Clara replies,
“Just because you argue a lot doesn’t mean that you fight well. But I bet that you never feel like you’ve won after you’ve had an argument.”
Ever been there?
Or this one:
Clara wants to start teaching Elizabeth about prayer, and then Elizabeth starts complaining about everything her husband does wrong. Clara says, “are you just going to complain, or are we going to get to work?” Complaining doesn’t fix anything. That is so true–and I’m going to expand on that in another post coming up.
The whole point is that Clara is teaching Elizabeth how to fight–how to go to battle in prayer for her marriage. And if more of us did that, our marriages would be turned around! Such a great message to hear.
And the end of the movie, when Clara tells Elizabeth that it’s time to pass the lesson she’s learned on. Our lives should be about mentoring others. Again, I’d like to write a longer post about just that rather than comment too long on it here.
My Main Reaction to The War Room:
If everyone saw this we would have an outbreak of prayer! And that is so needed. Until we start engaging the battle properly and learning to take things to God, we’re not going to get very far in this life even if our intentions are good. I really do encourage everyone to see the movie!
A Few Other Thoughts About The War Room:
That being said, I did have two reservations about the movie. Neither should discourage anyone from seeing it; it’s just things that I thought that I’d like to discuss.
The first is this: we seem to be addicted to a rather simplistic view of the Christian life, where learning to pray and coming to God makes your life better.
It’s the same problem I see in Christian romance novels where once people come to Christ/find the right guy, everything is better in their lives.
In truth, I have never known that to happen to anyone in real life. I have known people to pray and to see one area of their life fixed, but not everything all at once. And quite often the answer we get about prayer is just this: wait. Again, I’ll write more on this later, but prayer makes no sense without also having the idea of waiting.
Remember, after David confessed about Bathsheba and came back to God, his son still died. David was restored, but he still faced consequences. His life was not peachy keen. I’m not so sure why we need our stories to all have happy, storybook endings when that isn’t real life. Can we not also rejoice in a real life story, even if the ending doesn’t tie everything up perfectly?
Corrie ten Boom was a master of prayer and a wonderful woman of humility, but her sister still died in a concentration camp. All over the world today are people who are crying out to God and praying without ceasing, but they are still refugees in dire straits. Prayer is not just about God doing amazing things to rescue us in the here and now in the way we want; prayer is also about God working on our hearts, and perhaps if we weren’t so addicted to happy endings we’d have a more realistic view of what the Christian life is like.
My second reservation relates more to the purpose of this blog, and it comes back to the “duck” philosophy that is talked about in the movie: “You had better duck, honey, so that God can hit your husband.”
In other words, God wants to hit your husband on the head with a 2×4 to get his attention and smarten him up, but if you get in the way and start trying to do some of the work yourself, you’ll get hit by it instead. So duck so that God can get your husband! All you really need to do is pray–nothing else.
Here’s the issue:
We have three battlegrounds: our own hearts; the spiritual realm (against spiritual forces, and where God works on the spirit of others); and the physical world where we interact ourselves.
Prayer engages the battle in the spiritual realm. And it prepares our hearts to participate in that spiritual battle. But it also prepares us to engage in the physical world.
My problem with the “duck” philosophy, which I speak out quite vehemently against in my book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, is that it gives the impression that the spiritual realm is the only battle. It is not. God does not just want us praying, “your kingdom come.” He also wants us to actively be a part of bringing His kingdom to the world.
(See the book here.)
In 1 Chronicles 14 David has to go up and fight the Philistines twice. Both times he inquires of the Lord (he fortifies for battle!) about what he should do. The first time God tells him, “go up and fight, and I will deliver them.” The prayer is fortification for what David actually has to do in the physical world–and as David steps out and does that, God fights in the spiritual realm at the same time.
The second instance is different: God tells David not to go and fight, but instead to walk around behind the Philistines and watch what God will do. After God works, then David can advance.
The “duck” philosophy is that it treats every instance like #2, when frequently (and, I would argue, usually) God wants us to act like #1–we have to go out and do something.
Ironically, I’m in a #2 place in my personal life with something right now. Last year God was telling me to go out and fight, and I did. And now God is telling me to wait and watch what He will do. So I am not saying that every instance is a #1. I’m just saying they’re not all #2s either. Sometimes we have to ACT.
But we cannot act unless we first fight that battle in prayer–that battle that gets our own hearts right, and that battle that prepares the spiritual ground.
I see it as a three part battle:
- We do battle to get our hearts right.
- We bang on the gates of heaven on behalf of our husband’s heart and soul
- We ask God for direction on what steps we should take to bring His will and His kingdom into our marriage.
There’s not a lot of good teaching on #3. There’s a lot on #2, and a little bit on #1. But #3 is almost completely lacking.
Nevertheless, in Scripture we’re told to do more than pray. We’re to rescue the wandering believer (James 5:19-20). We’re to confront someone in sin (Matthew 18:15-20). We’re to make peace (Romans 12:18). If all we’re to do is to pray, then James would have written: if you see a believer wandering, pray for him–and left it at that. But he didn’t!
Here’s something even more startling: there are times when we AREN’T supposed to pray until things are right in the physical world. If you go to offer your gift at the altar, or if you go to take communion, and you remember that you have caused offense to someone, you go and make that right first. Sometimes not acting in the physical realm prevents our prayers from being answered.
So let’s make sure that we understand all THREE battlegrounds: our hearts; the spiritual realm; and the physical realm where we interact.
That’s what the focus of 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is. Thoughts 1-4 are all about getting our hearts right–because we can’t do anything until we’re acting out of humility and a genuine desire to see our marriage grow, not to get our own way. And a huge part of that is also battling in prayer in the spiritual realm!
But then we get into how to act in a godly way in our marriages. Thoughts 5-7 are all about resolving conflict, or how to address the big things in our marriages. But that’s not the only thing God may ask us to do to bridge the gap or bring His kingdom into our marriages. There are also two other things: learning to make love and value sex within our marriages; and countering the inevitable drift we have in marriage and learning to be friends again.
Those are all action steps that flow out of an active prayer life. Those are all part of the battle, too. Great sex is part of defeating the enemy! Forging a great friendship is part of defeating the enemy. Dealing with festering issues and holding other believers accountable (including our husbands) is part of the battle. We pray, and we act.
People can make two kinds of mistakes: the most frequent is to act without prayer. We forge ahead, trying to fix our husbands and trying to force change when we’re bitter and angry, and it often backfires. Until we can forge ahead with the goal of bringing God into the situation, rather than our own justification, we will make things worse, because the only way to peace is through Jesus.
But the other mistake we can make is to failure to act at all–to make it seem like only God is to do the heavy lifting, when sometimes the greatest act of faith is to step outside of our comfort zone.
I loved the call to prayer at the end of The War Room. I’m already realizing that I need more visible reminders of what I’m praying and of promises or answers I’ve received, and I’m starting to build that in. It was an inspiring movie, and I do urge everyone to see it. It will help you battle in Realms #1 and #2–our hearts and the spiritual realm! And it is a great message to get you to do that.
So see the movie, and then start praying in those realms. Get your heart right! Pray for spiritual breakthroughs. Absolutely!
But after all that, just don’t forget that there’s a third realm where God may ask you to act. And in your prayer life, ask Him what those actions should be.
Did you see The War Room? What did you think? Have you ever heard the “Duck Philosophy”? Let me know in the comments!
Now it’s your turn! If you’re a marriage blogger, link up your own marriage post in the linky below! Just leave the URL here, and then be sure to link back to this post so other people can read these great marriage thoughts!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I like your balance. Sometimes we do need to back off and not be the Holy Spirit in our husband’s life and respect them as an adult and let them work out their own salvation and spiritual journey. But other times we do need to speak in love honestly about concerns and if really serious, we may need to bring in the leaders of the church as well. So, good balance.
Thank you! And that’s what I think–there really isn’t a formula where you always do one thing or another. That’s why we need to pray–to hear God’s voice and to seek wisdom.
Great response! I love Christian films, but I agree that sometimes they lean toward the simplistic and happy ending. I think it’s particularly troublesome because so many people seem to be getting their theology from movies, music, and famous teachers. But the Word gets neglected. If we’re not in the Word, we struggle to discern these films. The angry, over defensive reactions I’ve seen concerning this movie when people give any criticism has made me more concerned about all that. No movie is perfect. This isn’t scripture, it’s a movie. Let’s allow for varied opinions and not shut down our discernment just because it’s labeled Christian… Thank you for an honest look at what still sounds like a good movie.
Thank you, Julie! I do think it’s a fun movie to see, and it is very inspirational. I just don’t think we should take it as total doctrine–and I think you put it well, too.
That was my concern with Facing the Giants. I LOVED the movie and own the DVD and found it to really challenge and encourage me in my walk. I am grateful that they had a heart to put together a movie like that and a heart to share God’s truth and hope.
However, it concerns me how everything turned out wonderful, even wining the championship. I feel like that gives the wrong message and people who are less knowledgeable in Christ, it can confuse them, hurt them and make them become bitter when they feel like they don’t see God working in their life.
I think overall our focus on blessings in this world can cause others to stumble and can even cause us to doubt or become resentful when life goes poorly. Sadly, I have seen this with someone I care for who seems to be bitter and distancing themselves from God because of heartache in this life when they feel that they have tried to do things right and have tried to serve God.
I did a Sunday school lesson on Ephesians 1 trying to show that God has given us “every spiritual blessing in heavenly places.” And that should be our primary focus. This ties into Colossians 3 about how our real identify and our real life will not be revealed until we are united with Christ.
This is not to say that we should live miserable unhappy lives and not enjoy the many, many wonderful physical blessings, pleasures and joys. Just that, when we disproportionately focus on those, and when we assume God’s favor must result in temporal blessings, it can be a great spiritual danger and stunt our growth and joy.
Not to beat a dead horse, but, what happens when a woman has prayed for a decade and still has not had a child? What happens when a husband’s business fails?
YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!
This was a good review, thanks. I enjoyed reading it. It was encouraging and insightful. I liked how you broke it all down.
My friend just asked me to see this movie with her, so I’ll be seeing it soon. (Thanks for no spoilers.)
I have heard the “duck” philosophy. It has never worked for me. It’s very hard to picture how it WOULD work.
Glad you liked it, KTW! I think what’s good about the duck philosophy is that it emphasizes that we have to get our hearts right first–which I totally agree with. But then there may be things that God wants us to do, too, and that’s the sticky part. Sigh. I do hope you like the movie–I did find it inspirational. I just think sometimes we need to go deeper.
Hi Sheila – I read a criticism of this movie that it emphasized submission to the point of encouraging a wife to stay with an abusive husband and “just pray.” Did you have any sense of that from the movie?
Not really because he wasn’t abusive and he hadn’t had the affair yet. He was just kinda nasty. So I think that criticism may have been a little over the top. But I do think that if you were in an abusive relationship and watching this that may be the impression that you got, which is really my criticism today–sometimes you have to actually DO something, too. But there was no outright encouragement to a wife to a stay in an abusive relationship at all.
Our church’s prayer team went to the movie as a group and then dinner afterwards. It made for great discussion. It certainly inspired me to enter The War Room for many situations beside just marriage and relationships. I appreciated the way that grace as well as consequences were depicted in several instances. This is a great movie for believers as well as not-yet believers.
I was just thinking today about how prayer relates to life. I think that the message, “Just pray about it and everything will get all better!” is usually too simplistic to be very useful. A few years back, I went through a terribly rough period in my life. I prayed hard for things to change for the better, but instead God seemed so far away that I couldn’t hear Him. Did He listen to my prayers? Certainly, but instead of magically taking the pain away He kept me trudging on long after I thought I couldn’t take any more. I got through the darkness, things are better but not the same as they were before, and I think I’m stronger now than I used to be.
In my experience it is very seldom that God provides a magical fix. Usually He calls us to use the strengths and abilities He’s given us, and then sustains us through whatever trial He’s selected for us.
Yes, Erin, I think that’s how God works–to refine us. Ironically (or perhaps ironically given what I wrote in this post) I’m going through more of a period personally where God IS answering prayers quite quickly. So it’s definitely NOT that I don’t believe that happens. It’s just that I don’t think we can put God in a box and say, “if you pray hard enough, He will always answer the way you want right away”. That’s not scriptural, and it’s not real life. But that doesn’t take away the necessity of prayer, either.
Thanks, that was a great unbiased review of the movie – now I can’t wait to see it but I know what to expect. I like how you were able to pick out the best and most encouraging parts of the movie and not completely hate it bc of a couple things you didn’t agree with. The way you described it – I can imagine myself thinking the same way in that everything doesn’t always happen or work out exactly how we want it to and sometimes it feels like God is taking forever bc he doesn’t work on our timetable. But that’s ok bc through our prayer and waiting on God and acting when appropriate, we are going through the refiner’s fire & He is changing us through it all. Each step is vital to our growth as a believer – the prayer, the waiting, the acting, etc. God is so amazing, I’m so glad to be a child of God ?
I’ve read several reviews and read its plot, and all I see is another christian film blaming men/husbands for all the problems. I mean really,all the “family/marriage” christian films portray the men/husbands as louts, idiots, morons, the “big sinner”, or at best the confused/wrong one. Wives/women are at best misunderstood, but are usually the poor victim in all of them.
I know that there are lots of men/husbands that are louts, idiots, morons, and big sinners. I get it. You probably could throw a water balloon at a crowd of men and hit a dozen of them. We get it, they are a dime a dozen. Heck, I can watch regular movies and TV to see that. I don’t need christian movies to beat me up some more.
But not all women/wives are innocent princesses either. When are we going to see a film from the other perspective? When are we going see a movie about a guy who’s trying to live the christian life, and his wife just ignores him, and has been for decades? Tramples on his needs and feelings – and then he gets yelled at by her, the church, the pastor, the books, and the rest of the world?
I know why we won’t – because that won’t sell tickets, especially to women, who are probably the majority attenders to these kind of movies.
John,
I agree that our society engages in much male bashing, in ways that promote disrespect for men and husbands. However, many Christian women now recognize the role that radical feminism has played in promoting this attitude, by going far beyond fighting for equal opportunities and equal rights for women and demonizing men themselves. We see that whole generations of women have now grown up not having positive role models of godly husbands and godly wives, to the point where as women we often don’t even recognize the ways in which we are disrespecting our husbands. AND, many of us are working hard to change, because we want to honor God, and honor our husbands.
As for the movie itself, Elizabeth is confronted with her own sins when her daughter asks her several questions about her interests and activities at school, things that even a mildly involved parent would surely know. Yet Elizabeth is silent, condemned in her own heart when she realizes how disconnected she has become from her daughter’s life because of her preoccupation with work. She also is focusing only on the negative things she dislikes about her husband–complaining–instead of cultivating a spirit of gratitude for the blessings in her life. Clara calls her on this when she asks Elizabeth if she’s going to keep on complaining or start praying. Elizabeth has also made large decisions about spending family funds that should have been made as a couple. Elizabeth’s sins may not be as glaring or as illegal, yet they have clearly contributed to the unhappy situation in their marriage and family life.
My best wishes to you, and assurance that many of us are trying to banish our society’s disrespect for men by making over our own lives to be more pleasing to God. Elizabeth
John, for what it’s worth, the movie “Fireproof” (done by the same guys who did “War Room”) depicted a marriage on the rocks–and in that case, the wife was the one who was on the verge of an affair. The husband had his problems too, but in “Fireproof” *he* was the first one to make changes in his own heart and then change the way he behaved toward his wife. It took a lot more time for her to “come around.”
I really recommend “Fireproof” as a good marriage movie because, although things do work out well in the end, it takes a combination of the three things Sheila talked about: changing one’s own heart and attitudes, prayer, and then doing actual work to improve and heal their marriage. In this way it’s almost more realistic than “War Room” although it doesn’t emphasize the importance (and power) of prayer in the same way “War Room” does.
I haven’t seen this movie yet, but I’m really interested in it now. I had friends go see it last week. My friend had just come out to his wife that he had been cheating on her for the last few months.
He told me that the movie had affected him so much. He was truly broken after watching it and told me that when I watched it, I would know that I had been their Ms. Claire. I am not sure what role she played in the movie, but I am very much interested in seeing what she said and did. My friend felt I had done this for them over the last 8 months.
Is this available as a book? I would much rather read than watch.
AMEN!!!!!!!!! This is just so so so true.
Thanks, Rachel!
I agree with many of the points already addressed concerning War Room. (John, they have been hard on the men)
It’s difficult to condense what we often pray about for years into a movie of under 2 hours and viewers need to keep that in mind. Nevertheless, I found the movie to be highly motivating for my prayer life, and also for my verbal interaction with my husband. I thought the scenes depicting the, before and after her prayer lessons, discussions between Elizabeth and Tony were highly instructive. It can go either way with the husband defraying the argument or the wife. Our words are SO important in keeping the lines of communication open in our marriages. When she responded gently, he reacted differently. That may not always succeed in real life, but when we stand before the Judgment Seat we will give an account only for ourselves and not our spouse.
Both husbands and wives need to practice being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)
I am working toward that goal!
My husband and I finally saw the movie; I don’t think it oversimplifies prayer at all…but it’s a movie and a lot of great points are being made in a 2 hr time frame. I’d never heard of the duck philosophy until this movie and it made no imprint on me. I think it might be someone’s view of attempting to explain submission to the masses and make it palatable.
I know people who pray like Ms. Clara; they don’t just pray they act also. I’ve been blessed by the Ms. Clara in my life and hope to be that person to someone. I thought the movie did a good job of showing how to fight spiritual warfare – it’s complex though.
PS – I also appreciated that it was an African American family.
This was a very thought provoking review and I agree on your points, Sheila! I loved this movie, it has certainly helped me to pray more for my marriage and husband. I too went through a really rough time a few years ago with my husband and boundaries with a female who he did work for. It was a nightmare. With that being said, there are two points that I learned that year. One, when we pray, we must believe with all our heart that our prayers are heard and answered Mark 11:24. Second, as Sheila said, sometimes God opens the door for us to act. God specifically spoke to my heart with these words, “Can you trust Me on this? Watch what I do.” And BOOM, He acted on this in such a mighty way! But it involved me putting down serious boundaries in my marriage which caused my husband to put down boundaries….he quit working for her company which meant we didn’t have any more income. But God saw it all through! He blessed my husband’s company with more work than he’s ever had! So to sum it up, God allowed something to happen that I as a wife had to act upon for my husband to see that her behavior was not acceptable. Everyone’s path is different, God sees our gifts, our strengths and weaknesses and mostly the sincerity of our heart. He treats His children all differently because He loves and adores us for the unique sons and daughters we are!
WONDERFUL story, Paula! Thank you for sharing–and for ACTING! That’s awesome. And so amazing what God does when we willingly step out in faith and surrender to Him.
Thank you for this testimony! I am in a very similar position that you are describing, where my husband has crossed some boundaries with a woman from work (not a physical affair yet, that I know of, but heading that way if nothing happens). I have told him how much this is hurting me, and begged for him to stop, or to speak with a counselor, and he has refused. Up till now, however, I’ve felt that as a “submissive wife” it is my place to only ASK, and then if he refuses, to be content with just praying that God will change his mind. But lately I’ve been convicted that it IS my job as a wife and helpmeet to assist him and keep from throwing away his family and ministry (he’s a pastor) by laying down boundaries. I am and will be doing a lot of praying between now and this upcoming discussion, and I pray that he responds as your husband did! I know God has it under control, no matter what the outcome!
I really enjoyed this movie I watched it four times an did see a lot of the word in this movie the Kendrick brothers did an aweso. Job.
I’m also glad you pointed out how the film’s show the most simplistic outcomes. I’m also glad you brought up the physical realm, there is a time and place to confront wrong behaviors or things festering between you. I am a Christian but I get frustrated at Christians that talk like the Brady bunch! That’s not real. We are not the Stefford wives! We have real pain and anger, and if it’s justified then there is nothing wrong with admitting it. I feel like the churches have indoctrinated women to think there is a different set of rules and behaviors for her compared to men. And sometimes we can do all the things you listed above, spend YEARS hoping, and your husband still choose to do wrong. That’s his free will, not your fault or God’s.
Very well put!