Can you win the decluttering fight with your husband if you’re married to a packrat?
Today’s guest post is from Sherry Gareis, author of Declutter Now! She’s going to share with us ten questions you can ask while you’re decluttering that can help avoid that big decluttering blow-out.
Decluttering, in and of itself, is tough stuff. Finding the time and energy to sort through personal belongings and deciding what to part with can be a taxing process. The challenge multiplies if you’re decluttering with your spouse. Even the most agreeable and workable couples can run into snags. But mix in an unhappy, unhelpful, fearful, or argumentative husband, and the stress level can quickly escalate.
There is a major rule that we, at Declutter Now!, teach and try to live by:
“You cannot declutter for someone else.”
I’m so grateful for this rule because while he won’t admit it, sometimes my husband, Lindon, tries to declutter for me – and I’m NOT having it! This boundary keeps us in line, just as much as it helps the people we coach.
One of our first decluttering tasks was to tackle my desk. More of a ‘collector’ (you understand this ladies, right?) at heart than Lindon, he didn’t see the need for the overwhelming stacks of papers and files I kept. Frankly, there wasn’t a ‘need’ for most of it, but I had to uncover that truth at my own pace. Sometimes ‘stuff’ represents WAY MORE than just ‘stuff’, and this was definitely true for some of the clutter that invaded and took over my desk. I was attached to the security of keeping old records and fearful at the prospect of letting go of these letters, documents, notes, etc.
What IF I needed them someday?
Hmmm….with the bulk of my ‘collection’ ranging from 10 – 20 years old, and largely untouched, I was definitely convicted when attempting to support my argument.
Luckily for Lindon, I was ready, and we made much progress on that first decluttering journey together. I want you to be reassured, though, that I understand the nature of this personal process. Even when critically necessary, it cannot be rushed.
Encouraged and supported? Absolutely!
Rushed? Not a good idea!
So how do spouses successfully declutter when items are community property or areas are common living space?
Fight?
That’s not a solution!
Pray?
SURE. But even the most committed prayer warrior isn’t going to clean out a closet just by praying about it.
Give Up?
NEVER. Throwing in the towel isn’t an answer.
You must take steps to ensure that decluttering is both courteous and productive. The secret? Constant communication – before, during, and after you declutter! So here are 10 discussion questions that can help you as you declutter:
3 Discussion questions BEFORE you start to declutter:
- What area(s), specifically, do we plan to tackle?
- Why are we decluttering? Is it a space we want to repurpose for another use? Are there boxes of memorabilia that need to be sifted through? Are we decluttering to gather items for our next yard sale so we can make a few bucks? Having a clear objective from the get-go will go a long way in aiding decision-making as you begin to work through the process.
- What type of items do we intend to toss? Donate? Keep? Sell? Are we going hardcore or is this a light run-through? Will we each work on just our own stuff or will we sort through everything together?
4 Discussion questions AS you declutter:
- Why do you want to keep that particular item? What’s most important about this question is how you say it. If it comes out of your mouth as, “Why in the world would you want to keep that piece of garbage?” you’re going to get nowhere fast! Be sure your tone conveys sincerity.
For an item of sentimental value – Is there a way we can better honor it rather than just having it packed away? Is there someone else in the family who might appreciate this item more than we do?
For broken items, discuss whether or not it’s advantageous to splurge on the cost of repairs. - How can we compromise? Perhaps we can each keep something ‘just cuz’, and then we’ll also each decide to get rid of something we know has no value or use. You’d be surprised how many things of ‘no value or use’ get kept for years and years and do nothing but collect dust and take up space. Even the seemingly meaningless can be a source of dissension.
- What can we do to motivate each other and reinforce the value of the process? While you work, have fun dreaming about the end result – more space to enjoy, extra money, a feeling of accomplishment, etc. Use words of encouragement to keep each other going along the way and to see the task through to fruition.
- How are we going to handle a difference of opinion? Convey a heart of compassion and muster up every ounce of empathy you’ve got. Consider what it would feel like if your spouse wanted to get rid of something very special to you. If at a total impasse, set the item aside and agree on a time limit with which to revisit the conversation. Perhaps enlist the help of a trusted friend. Sometimes a few brainstorming ideas from someone not directly impacted by the decision can do the trick.
3 Discussion questions AFTER you are done decluttering:
- How did it go? Not just in terms of actual physical progress, but how do we feel? Peaceful? Free? Accomplished? Did we achieve our goal?
- What would we do differently next time? In fact, what is our next decluttering project?
- How can we stay decluttered in the future?
Do you see a theme here? Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Open, honest, and compassionate conversation can make the difference between decluttering triumph and abysmal failure.
Overcoming Objections to Decluttering
Perhaps you have misgivings about decluttering with your man. Are there some sensitive areas to address but you’ve been hesitant to broach the subject? Even the closest of couples can encounter ‘touchy subjects’.
If your husband is nervous or resistant to the idea of decluttering, print out this list and use me as the instigator of discussion. Yes, I’m serious! Sometimes it’s easier to get the ball rolling if the prompts and directions are coming from someone outside the camp.
But what if the problem goes deeper than just working together and finding common ground during the process? Perhaps one of you has a severe clutter or hoarding problem? I advise to treat this as seriously as any other destructive, life-debilitating, marriage-destroying issue. Seek help.
The degree of help needed is dependent on the extent of the problem, but consider self-help material, life coaches who specialize in decluttering (Yours Truly!), and counseling.
The Benefits of Decluttering
For most situations, though, decluttering can be fun! Bonding and unification occur at the heart level when you and your spouse work as a team. There’s no greater feeling than when hurdles are overcome and positive results are realized together.
Decluttering, in and of itself, is rewarding enough. Partnering together, declaring victory over clutter, and feeling the peace and freedom which comes from a job well done is gratifying on its own. But enjoying the benefits as a couple can quickly take decluttering from just a task or to-do on your list to a life-changing, marriage-enriching, incredible experience.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This article really hit home. My husband and I have been married for 16 years, in our home for 12, and we have both accumulated too much and have a major need to declutter. The problem is that we want to declutter each other’s stuff because it doesn’t necessarily have value to the other person, or we tell each other to declutter or own stuff but we procrastinate due to lack of support. And his mother lives close-by and also wants to be involved. When he has gone in and thrown away some of my things when I have been away from home, I have felt disrespected and upset. Needless to say, it is causing a lot of conflict in our marriage and there is nothing I want more than to tackle this issue as a team instead of just pointing fingers. I love the questions as a way to move through the process in a supportive and non-accusatory way. Thank you! I would love to be considered to receive a copy of the book to help us through the process.
Sara, I love and respect your honesty. Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
You understand, more than most, the devastating effects of living with clutter. It does far more than just invade our physical space, but it creates emotional stress, damages relationships, and so much more.
If you don’t win the book, I would urge you to pick up a copy. It is a step by step guide to help you work through each area of your life. The study guide is a great compliment to the book. Perhaps if your husband read it and acted on it with you, it would create a team effort?
I’d love you to check out our FREE 30 Day Declutter Now! Devotional on the YouVersion Bible App.
And, please check out our website – http://www.actionplanministries.com for a variety of FREE resources. We’ve got loads of information nestled in our weekly blogs and on our ‘FREE GIFTS’ page.
I don’t want to sound like an infomercial, but want you to know we are here to help!
My husband does not ever want to get rid of things. It is always we may need it down the road or he wants to hang on to a broken trophy from 30 years ago. I hate throwing things away behind his back, but our home would look more like a landfill than a home if I did not.
That’s a tough situation, Juli. And while we are not supposed to declutter for someone else, I can’t deny that I’ve been tempted! More than once!
Obviously there is something behind your husband’s desire and need to ‘collect’ / hoard material things. In our book we address some of the reasons for this type of challenge, and we believe working through the background issues would likely go a very long way in getting your husband on the same page.
Depending on how deep-rooted the issues are, coaching and / or counseling should be also considered.
As you sort through the process, we’d love you to check out the FREE resources we offer at http://www.actionplanministries.com.
Blessings on your decluttering journey!
I struggle with this one. I lean towards minimalism, but also have a lot of hobbies (knitting, spinning, quilting) that take up space. The compromise is to only buy materials for one project at a time, and to regularly do “scrap” projects as a way to use up leftovers.
But the bigger challenge (even bigger than the packrat I married) is the kids. We have 4. The sheer quantity of *stuff* that seems to involve is crazy. And we live in a climate where we simply can’t wear the same clothes year-round, so that’s even more stuff to make space for.
I think a lot of the suggestions for decluttering with a spouse would also work with kids. I’m going to try! 🙂
Love the idea, Emily to do ‘scrap’ projects. What a great use of material while freeing up space for new projects.
As far as the kiddos go, we have an entire chapter devoted to decluttering for and with them in our book. And guess what? We’ve provided Sheila (2) sets of Declutter Now! books and study guides on Kindle, which she is giving away in a drawing. Comment below with the hardest part, specifically, of decluttering with your husband and you’ll be entered to win. Good Luck!
Do you have any advice for helping someone who is a definite hoarder but with whom you are not in a partnership with? My in-laws are both hoarders—like their house could be on the TV show. We’ve (my husband and his siblings, sometimes together and individually) had a couple discussions over the past ten years, all very calm and trying to be constructive. We’ve asked where they see themselves in 5 years (they are getting older and really need to downsize). We know the mess bothers them because it is unhealthy, contributes to allergies, and they are constantly depressed at home. But for example when my husband and I moved into our first home, there were tears over us wanting to have a desk that they have never used as a desk (it was in a room with four other desks) and it was covered in cobwebs, dust, papers, dishes, etc. They finally conceded to letting us have it after much discussion. We are all so overwhelmed that they are not open to bettering their lives and have tried a lot of different tactics. My mother-in-law talks about selling the house, but when I ask if I can help her organize (not throw out!) things she says “I can’t think of anything you can help with right now” etc. This is mental-disease level hoarding that is affecting the family, preventing me from wanting my daughter to play over at their house, etc. Would love to hear any tips because at this point I don’t know what else to do but give it over to God!
Renee, oh how my heart breaks for the situation you’ve described. Unfortunately, it’s all too common.
You are quite right. A serious hoarding problem is often a sign of mental disease, or at the very least, emotional challenges that have not been dealt with.
It’s extremely difficult for the family members who are relegated to watching the depression and despair continue. The physical ramifications are real and the impact on relationships can be devastating.
Praying for your in-laws is one of the best things you can do, but beyond that, it depends on the length you are willing to go.
I’m guessing counseling has been suggested and rejected? If not, that would absolutely be something I would push for.
IF you feel their home is a health hazard, and you are at peace with some incredibly ‘tough love’, you can actually have the police or fire department do a ‘welfare check’. If they deem the home uninhabitable or dangerous, your in-laws would be removed. I realize that’s not necessarily what you want to do, but if decluttering their home isn’t an option, and they are in peril, it might be the only answer. And please realize that I don’t know the depths of their challenge.
I can tell you I speak from first hand experience and understand how difficult this is for you. I was forced to have a family member removed from her home after the fire department condemned it. She was never able to return. There wasn’t enough money available to gut the home and restore it to a livable condition. It ultimately was sold to an investor that demo’d the ENTIRE interior.
This was a heart wrenching situation to walk through, but in my case, there was no choice.
I feel for your position, but ultimately, unless their place is deemed uninhabitable, continued prayer, support, encouragement, and counseling are your best bets. And if the strain is too much, you have to give yourself permission to distance yourself from the situation. Protecting your daughter is your responsibility, so no guilt about that, okay?
Thank you for sharing and God bless you on this journey!
-Sherry
The hardest part is not getting sidetracked–by stuff, by disagreements, by other projects.
Ahhh, the ole’ distractions… Putting helps in place before you start can make a big difference. Set an appointment with your husband, one that he agrees with of course. Commit to a specific timeframe and area you both want to conquer. The more intentional you are in your planning, the better chance for decluttering success you’ll have. Good luck!
I am a Declutterer and I love for everything to have it’s place. My husband is totally the opposite and he even struggles to throw away his used chewing gum wrappers (total nightmare)! Working out the root cause for why you or anyone else hangs onto stuff can be very difficult but this is essential to break the habit.
You are definitely on the right track! Determining the root cause is the most important first step. We address some of these issues in our book, but if the problem is serious, coaching and counseling should definitely be considered.
Once the cause is identified and addressed, significant progress is often made quite quickly!
Blessings to you!
The hardest part for us usually comes AFTER the initial decluttering. My hubby is a bit of a stuff addict. The pattern is, we’ll get a space decluttered, and his brain thinks “Hm, I have all this space now, so I have room for this other stuff I’ve been wanting!” Aaaaaand back to clutter we go. It’s a spending addiction problem too, which we are working through with the help of our wonderful marriage counselor, but it’s like he’s constantly thinking of how to get more stuff even as we’re trying to declutter or as he’s saying we need to declutter. Help???
Ahhh….so perhaps he is skewed by a different value in decluttering than you are, Melissa? My guess is your hubby sees decluttering as an opportunity to acquire more stuff, whereas you see it as an opportunity to purge stuff. It’s not the stuff that’s the problem, it’s the difference in thinking. Work on that and you’ll find victory! Kudos to you both for enlisting the help of a marriage counselor. I wish you much success! -Sherry
Haha our biggest problem is I want working stuff to be reused, recycled, Re-lifed by donating or selling (much more eco friendly) but the man when he commits just wants to trash it all so its out of the way and done. Resulting in a pile of stuff somewhere that we know we both don’t want but need to deal with. Still. Argh. Sadly as these places are shut on weekends and we both work, and I work further from home its not easy to just allocate a time to pass it on.
Hardly the end of the world though!
Oh Steff, I so thoroughly enjoyed your comment! 🙂 Even though I can appreciate your frustration, you’re right! Hardly the end of the world! Do you have any services, like Goodwill or the Veterans, who pickup? That might be a compromise / solution?
Thanks Sherry! I should look into that (or just commit and take a day off to just purge once and for all!)
I’ve really enjoyed reading your replies to everyone too (and just had a quick squiz at your blog too!) So much good advice. Thank you!
Another key aha moment for us on our decluttering adventure is to not just take other peoples stuff that they are giving away because we *might* need it too! No matter how lovely it is!
GREAT ADVICE Steff! You are so right! Just because someone is giving away, doesn’t mean it has to find its home in YOUR PLACE! 🙂 Thanks so much for checking us out and I hope to hear more from you. 🙂
The hardest part of decluttering for us is finding time to do it together. I’ve gone through a lot of my own things, but I can’t/won’t go through his things, so he has got to do that, and that means time. I just feel so guilty asking him to do things like that in the evenings or on weekends since I know it’s not his favorite thing to do. He’s sweet though and does it anyway. Thankfully the end of the decluttering is in sight for us (moving into maintenance mode soon hopefully) so that’s a good thing.
I SO feel your pain, Hannah, we all have to do things we don’t want to! YUCK! But I have a few thoughts that might help. 🙂
What about coupling the decluttering work with a reward? Plan a special outing with the money you make from a yard sale. Or perhaps decorate or otherwise utilize the space that you’ve cleaned out with something you have both been looking forward. Donating unwanted items to those in need can be reward enough! You know the old saying… A spoonful of sugar! Uncover the carrot that motivates you both and allow it to propel you forward.
Above all else, remember that once you declutter, if you keep it decluttered, you won’t have to do it again! Once and done is a reality with a reasonable and disciplined maintenance effort.
Good luck to you on your journey!
The hardest part of decluttering with my husband is ME. I save everything, he saves little to nothing. I know my problems; I lack confidence to make a final decision and we have always carried debt. I take everything people offer because I am afraid we will need it “someday”. Another problem I have is that when he gets anything, he also gets a container, bag, etc. so the item will have proper storage. I on the other hand just put it in a closet or box without labeling it and then can’t find it when I need it, or I forget about it all together. Now that our kids are getting older and have stronger opinions about their clothes, it is getting easier for me to decline items from other families. He is willing to help, but gets frustrated with me because I want to touch everything and see everything he decides to throw out. In the last 2 years we have decluttered 2 areas together. I am trying to take his lead and have seen that I really haven’t needed the items we have tossed or given away. It is a slow process. I’m so thankful that he hasn’t given up on me.
You know the old saying, “Admitting it is half the battle.”
I am so proud of you for recognizing your challenge, and even beyond that, owning it. I know the journey is tough but the payoff is great. And clearly your husband, while sometimes frustrated, is in it for the long haul, so hats off to both of you. 🙂
Take all your wisdom and energy and put it into play by creating an Action Plan to help you move forward. With an intentional, disciplined approach, I know you can find success! You are a coaches dream client. Have you ever considered hiring a coach? If you are interested in more information, write me at [email protected]. My heart tells me you can do this, so keep at it and don’t give up!
Blessings to you! -Sherry
The de-cluttering battle has been a big source of disagreement for us over the years. My husband is the very sentimental pack rat and I have a more minimalist view of things- and I make sure and use or enjoy the things I keep. What gets me the most frustrated is that all of his stuff ends up being my problem. When we need to paint or redo flooring or fix a certain part of the house, I end up being the one who has to relocate 30 boxes of his books, many boxes of papers, magazines, etc. It would help if he would be part of the storage solution- and then maybe he would realize it takes a lot of time away from other things to keep all of this stuff! We haven’t found much common ground in this area yet.
I’m in a similar boat as Pam. My husband has so many pieces that he has plans for, but never gets around to doing them. He is very creative but doesn’t have much time as he works full time and goes to school full time. He was raised in a hoarder’s house, so he is used to clutter and mess and has told me that if he cleans up he gets very frustrated because he can’t find things and that being in a clean environment “freaks him out”. He also feels that it is my job to clean the house since I’m home more often than he, and while I agree to some extent, I find it unfair to do multiple loads of his laundry, fold and put it away, to just find almost every piece he owns on the floor mixed into dirty clothes because he was looking for something. He has no desire to live in a clean environment, much less be responsible for helping get it there or maintain it. There are also other areas of contention in our relationship, so there is not going to be an easy answer I know; but I so want to feel like I have a partner in my life rather than someone I constantly have to coerce to do normal life activities.
Arielle, totally agree. There is not an easy answer. And it sounds like there are some deep-rooted issues your husband is dealing. Even though you are in the same boat as Pam, I might go one step further with you and ask the obvious. Would your husband consider counseling? I realize with full time employment and school, time is incredibly limited, but second only to a relationship with God, your marriage is the most important thing to work on.
Sometimes when there are multiple problems going on, working on and fixing one of them can have a significant impact on repairing the rest. It’s like a domino effect. Fix one thing and often the others get easier and easier to manage. So instead of being overwhelmed by all the different areas to address, have hope, Arielle, that there’s a good chance if you and your hubby can get started in the right direction, it won’t be as difficult as you might be anticipating. We just have to get him started!
Blessings to you!
Sherry
We are currently in marriage counseling, and have been for about six months; but when he goes to counseling on his own he can never “think of anything to talk about.” In addition to his lack of cleanliness, he also has anger issues and tends to isolate himself. He has no real friends and has little desire to spend quality time with anyone, sometimes to include me and our daughters. I’m glad I came across your website, as almost every article I’ve read in the past two days has touched on an issue I’m praying about (I’ve read about 10 articles). Like you said, no one can declutter for you; and that really extends to any area of disagreement. I know better than most that I cannot make him do anything. All I can do, and will continue to do, is pray.
Thank you for sharing Arielle. I will be praying for your situation as well.
But might I suggest there is more you can do than pray? Do you feel the counselor is effective? If not, perhaps a change is in order? It shouldn’t be up to your husband to think of what to say, yet the counselor’s responsibility to draw out the issues and conversation effectively.
Coaching, in this situation would be effective, but only in conjunction with counseling. My husband does guy to guy coaching and you would be surprised how instrumental the process can be for life change. And we don’t have to live in the same geographic region. We do the majority of coaching over the phone or Skype.
Have you spoken to your Pastor? Is your husband a Believer? If so, perhaps the pastor would mentor your husband or, at the very least, know another man that would. Or is there a men’s group he can join?
From what you are telling me, he isn’t likely the kind of man that might enjoy or consider group stuff, but I have seen transitions in men, especially through couples small groups, that I NEVER in a million years would have anticipated. Great transitions.
Lastly, depending on the severity of his anger issues, you may have some tough decisions to make. The safety and health of you and your daughters must be paramount.
If you want to discuss any of this further, drop me a line at [email protected]
My heart hurts because I can hear the frustration and despair in your words, but I want to reassure you that God is bigger than all of this and can work miracles in any situation.
Blessings to you!
-Sherry
Ouch! I was wincing as I read your comment because I can totally feel your pain and frustration, Pam. Don’t give up on your hubby, but ever so gently continue to encourage him by positive example. Would he consider reading our book and going through our study guide with you? If so, he would hear the message from someone outside the camp, and from a guy as well. Since I co-authored Declutter Now! with my hubby, it has some guy stories and guy perspectives. As ‘geeky’ as it might sound, my husband and I read books out loud together. We definitely don’t set any speed records, but there’s many benefits to actually reading and discussing together, as opposed to reading the same thing separately. Maybe something to consider? Would coaching be something he might consider? Guys tend to be more open to coaching rather than counseling. If so, shoot me an email at [email protected] and we can talk more. Blessings to you! – Sherry
I love the idea of decluttering with my husband but he says I am very difficult to work with and he is correct. I delay decisions and find them very difficult and like to keep things “just in case”. I have people who will help me but I was very struck with the fact that NO ONE CAN DECLUTTER FOR YOU. I am at the point of taking time off work to de-clutter (I also might need surgery for possible cancer so that will give me some time off – won’t be able to lift much though…) because I really think my messy environment is not healthy for me. I try to keep the areas that impact others relatively clutter free (but not that successfully) but my own study and bathroom/bedroom are a sight to see. It pretty much looks like we are moving or as my Dad used to say “this place looks like a cyclone hit it 🙂
Thanks for convicting me that I MUST DO IT. I hope I win the kindle edition and actually FIND – scratch that – MAKE time to read it and DO IT 🙂
And it’s not just that someone can’t declutter for you, but they shouldn’t. 🙂 Obviously, if there is no personal attachment and you give your husband the green light to clean out an area without you, no big deal. But if you have to work through personal items and make decisions, that is something that only you can do. BUT, that being said, if it’s time to do it, taking responsibility to get it done rests on your shoulders. Clearly, you are feeling that, so you are on your way. Now to map out Step 2!
Do you have the YouVersion Bible App on your phone? If so, we have a FREE 30 Day Devotional on there that might help encourage you each day. And on our website, http://www.actionplanministries.com, we have a FREE 40 Day Declutter Now! Challenge, which includes 2-3 minute daily videos to help keep you on track. The first chapter in our book deals specifically with physical clutter, so even if you only watched the first (5) videos, which are from Chapter 1, I think you would find it beneficial.
Blessings to you!
-Sherry
My husband and I have done some decluttering over the years but it has slowed down completely. Our biggest obstacle is that when I get motivated he isn’t, and his response to me is that he knows what needs to be done and if I leave him alone he will get to it, but I can’t tell him what to do and when (and believe me I am trying not to be pushy and try to ask nicely- when does he think we can work on it?). I have offered to do it together but he has his stuff and of course I can’t do his, and I have my stuff. But there are things like shelves of books that we need to do together. He is just very attached to it all. Thank goodness I have a daughter in her early 20’s living at home who has always loved organization and to declutter. She suffers from anxiety and when it’s bad she must tidy her room! She has helped me get ready for a few garage sales. (I think my husband likes the results. He does claim to love neatness.) She has also has helped her younger sister who doesn’t enjoy tidyness (she claims messiness helps her anxiety) and whose room stays neat for maybe a day when it does get cleaned. She usually will organize and purge if her sister helps (I think the company helps, and she keeps her focused). That’s almost becoming a bigger issue because of the food leftovers, dust, and dirty clothes getting mixed in with clean on her floor. (She doesn’t really use her closet or drawers.) My husband does tidy up things like the garage once a year but he still has a hard time getting rid of things or putting them away in an organized manner such that it is easy to find things later. For example I like to put things in rubber containers and label them. He just puts them in the containers and then we have to hunt through a stack to find what we need, or he just says he will find it later and often doesn’t. It’s frustrating because I know we waste time finding things and have stuff we don’t need. The number of bins is increasing. I know that if we had less stuff we would be able to tidy up what we do have more easily because there would be a place for everything! We have been in the same house for over 22 years and the thought of having to move out some day and downsize seems a little scary. I know I have my own work to do but I would like to feel that we are working on it together and achieving our goals. Sometimes we talk and get somewhere but it’s happening very slowly. We both have a long time off in the summer and I always hope that we will get it done but even though we talk and set goals for what we want to get done I can’t make him do anything he isn’t motivated to do. It’s happening in baby steps but we can’t seem to get past that. I feel like I am doing the majority of the work. The clutter in my younger daughter’s room and the basement contributes to stress for us parents, and to the anxiety issues that my children sometimes have. Any ideas to help with our decluttering as well as to help my youngest daughter would be appreciated. Thanks!
Hi Michele,
Thanks for sharing your story and your challenge!
It sounds like you have a bit of an uphill struggle on your hands and I can very much appreciate your frustration. I would suggest reading through all the previous replies I’ve posted to see if any of the suggestions might be helpful?
You are right, you can’t declutter for him…..without permission. Perhaps you can get permission for some areas? Yes, the work seems to be falling on your shoulders, but sometimes the extra effort is worth it.
But, specific to your situation, I can offer the following. Might your husband take kindly to advice and support from outside the camp? Sometimes it takes a trusted outside influence to get someone’s attention or make an impact. You know the verse that alludes to, “A prophet in his own house…..”
I’m glad the talking, while going slowly, is heading in the right direction. Perhaps during the next chat, you can suggest setting an appointment to tackle a small area together. Have something concrete in the works.
You know, just thinking about it, in chapter 1 of our book, we give tips on how to get started, and one of our best tools is called ‘Project Management’, and it starts by walking your home as if you’re a foreman on a jobsite. Most guys can totally relate to that. Maybe if he reads that for himself, and it’s not coming from you, he might be inclined to give it a try?
Are your husband or daughter rewards based? If so, perhaps enticing them with the benefits of the cleared out space would be helpful. Like you said, stuff is easier to find, etc. But also, could you make some money by selling some of the items? Do you want to use the cluttered space for something fun? Try to speak to what touches their hearts.
And finally, with regard to your daughter, your house, your rules…. I’ll leave it at that! 🙂
Blessings to you!
-Sherry
I have been dating a man for 9 years now and he says he wants me to move in but has never made room for me. I mean there isn’t even room barely for an overnight bag. Should I move on?
Carol, I’m going to be really blunt here. You’ve been dating him for nine years, but he’s never proposed? He’s never said he’s willing to commit to you? All he has said is “move in with me”, which basically means, “give me easier access to sex.” Don’t put up with that. You’re worth more than that, and people will treat you how you think you deserve to be treated. If you want a man to love you for life, then go and find that man. It doesn’t sound like this guy is it!