Can a marriage recover from a husband’s porn use?
That’s the question a reader is going to answer for us for today’s Wifey Wednesdsay!
A reader recently sent me this beautiful email about porn, redemption, and hope. I wanted to share it with you today, because I know so many of you struggle with your husband’s porn use. Tomorrow I’m going to write a wrap up post on how to fight the porn, not fight your husband, but for today, I thought a story may help.
Recently my husband sent me a text and told me that he wanted to share some things that he had been keeping from me for our entire marriage.
As you can imagine, I let my lady brain take over and had all kinds of scenarios going through my head. He sent the text at 9AM and I wouldn’t be home until after 6PM! All day I kept thinking “Am I ready for this? Can I handle what he’s going to tell me?” We will be married 15 years this June and we have been together since we were 15! So what could he possibly tell me that I don’t already know?
When I got home that night he was in his chair writing, the kids came up to me and asked if Daddy was ok? He told them not to bother him and asked them to play quietly in their bedrooms. He didn’t even look up at me when I walked in the room, didn’t ask what was for supper, just kept on writing and writing.
After supper he asked the kids to go back to their rooms because he needed to talk to me. We cleaned up after dinner and went to sit down in our chairs. He handed me a note book and asked me to read it, he decided that it was going to be easier to write than say the actual words.
He told me of a day when he was 7 or 8 years old, the day started as many summer days for boys of that age.
He had plans to meet up with friends and tear up the town on his bike. One of his friends suggested that they sneak into an abandoned barn that they always rode by. It was a typical old barn full of rusty tractor parts and tools. But this barn was different–it held a secret that would change the world of all the boys. In the loft of this barn where piles and piles of pornography. This started him on a path that no little boy should have to walk.
Now let me fast forward to year 2 of our marriage.
We are fighting all the time, mostly about sex and how he hates my body and how fat I have gotten. I had gained about 50lbs going through fertility treatment and he was disgusted with my body. In that 6 page letter to me everything that we had fought about and almost divorced over made complete sense to me. I knew that his perception of women was warped because of the things he saw on those pages. I knew that his idea of a sex was skewed. He had no idea how to deal with it so he just got angry and when we did have sex it was just that, there was no love involved.
I prayed for years that God would change me, that I would wake up one day and be the perfect wife for this man that he had clearly chosen for me. I would throw fits and beg my husband to tell me what he wanted from me, but he would never tell me. I know that I sound naïve and the fact is I was, I had no idea that my husband struggled with pornography. He worked nights and I worked days for the first year of our marriage so he was home all day and I never knew what he was up to. I knew that he would spend hours online, he would get angry with me for asking him questions about his online activity. We spent the first 10 years of our marriage hanging on by a thread, not wanting to give up, but not wanting to do anything to make it better.
Then one day about 5 years ago God clearly spoke to me and told me that I needed to stop praying for one of us to change and just start praying for my husband.
I have never really just prayed for him in general, I always wanted him to change or be something different. So I started praying that he would allow God to work in him, to show him who he was and what he was put here to do. So I did just that, I prayed for this man that God picked out just for me, I thanked God for him. I stopped seeing all the things he wasn’t and saw what God saw. I stopped criticizing, pushing buttons just to get a response out of him. I let him know that I loved him and that was all that mattered.
Yes I was still struggling with not having a husband in all ways, but slowly God started working in me about that.
Fast forward to the Monday night he told me his secret.
I read his letter to me, I cried, I understood, my heart broke for the little boy whose innocence was stolen from him.
I got up out of my chair and went to his chair, crawled up on his lap and cried some more. Then I spoke to the little boy, “I’m so sorry” and my big, tough as nails husband cried.
“My heart broke for the little boy whose innocence was stolen from him.”
We held each other and cried.
I wasn’t angry at him for keeping his secret from me, I wasn’t hurt.
Honestly, I think I was relieved to know that all those years of sleepless nights fighting had nothing to do with me.
I know that sounds a bit selfish, but I always felt like it was my fault. I knew that in that moment we were going to be ok and that the enemy who stole his innocence and told him the lie to keep it a secret no longer had any power over us. He could no longer steal the joy that we have found in each other over the last 5 years. He could no longer hold the sin over my husband’s head. There was healing for both of us in the moment that he shared his dark secret with me.
I know no everyone can have the same healing experience as I did, but I wanted to let you know that sometimes, God asks us to do things that will make us uncomfortable, but yet there is so much cleansing that takes place afterwards. I look at my husband today and I see a light in his eyes that I have never seen before, a joy that has never been there.
He looks at me differently now too.
He sees a woman who stood next to him when she didn’t even know what was going on. He sees a woman who loved him through everything and never gave up on him. He told me that I saved him, that God didn’t make a mistake when He told my husband to marry me at 15yrs old.
I don’t know how long it has been since he lasted looked at porn, and I don’t want to know. What I do know is that God has delivered him from this and that I all I care about.
What a great story! I’m so glad she shared it.
I’m not writing it to say, “you should do everything like she did.” I DO think it’s important to get an accountability partner, and I do think setting something like Covenant Eyes up on your computer are important steps.
But I share this partly because healing doesn’t look the same in all cases.
The bigger reason, though, is because of her testimony of compassion for this man.
Tomorrow I’m going to share some other emails, and encourage women to fight the porn, don’t fight their husbands (if their husbands are repentant and take it seriously). But today, listen to her words:
I read his letter to me, I cried, I understood, my heart broke for the little boy whose innocence was stolen from him. I got up out of my chair and went to his chair, crawled up on his lap and cried some more. Then I spoke to the little boy, “I’m so sorry” and my big, tough as nails husband cried.
When husbands use porn, we get disgusted.
And it IS disgusting. We feel shame. We feel humiliation. We feel anger. These emotions are all normal, and likely important to go through if we’re going to honestly deal with our own grief, too. The negative effects of porn aren’t just on his brain and his sex drive; they’re on our emotions, too.
But I ask you to add one more emotion in there: compassion.
Compassion for a man who was likely led down this path at a very young age. In this guy’s case, he was only 7 or 8 years old. Imagine what pornography does to a 7 or 8 year old child. They don’t even understand about sex yet, but they see these images, and those images get imprinted on their minds. Those images get tied to the sexual arousal process in the brain–and now THAT becomes what is arousing. And they didn’t even really go looking for it; it found them.
For so many young boys (and young girls), porn finds them. It’s very different from an alcohol addiction or a drug addiction. You have to make a deliberate decision to drink alcohol a lot; for many young kids, they see porn and it starts changing the way the brain thinks of sex. And they’re drawn to it. With alcohol, people usually enjoy it for a time, sometimes years, before it takes over and they start feeling shame and can’t stop. With porn the shame starts almost immediately–and yet they can’t stop.
When you talk to guys who have used porn, almost all hate themselves for it.
I have known a teenager from a GREAT Christian family (parents were missionaries; he knew Scripture; he was talented and musically gifted) who committed suicide because he could not break his porn addiction. He didn’t want the porn; but it had him hooked.
I am not saying that guys are powerless against it.
I am only saying that the stories of so many of our husbands start very similarly to this 7 or 8 year old boy.
He wasn’t searching it out. It came for him. And he always, always wanted to stop. He hated himself.
So be his ally in stopping! Tomorrow we’ll look at how to deal with some of the after-effects of porn (the withdrawal of emotional intimacy, which this writer and Robi Smith both mentioned yesterday; the secretiveness; and the sexual rewiring). But for today, I just ask you to feel compassion on these men, who were once little boys who got sucked in.
And, if you’re a parent (whether it’s boys or girls, makes no difference), don’t let this 7 year old’s story become your child’s story! Protect their eyes when they’re too young to understand. Please. Think about their future marriages. Don’t let them grow up with this as their story. Think about getting Covenant Eyes, and as they get older, keep open conversations about porn!)
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Wow! What a beautiful story! We always need the compassion of Christ when we are supporting someone in their healing process.
Shelia, thanks for sharing this witness as there are many good points in it and one of them is “disgust vs. compassion”. It’s related to one of my responses this week in this forum that I may have communicated ineffectively.
I have used porn in my life and am ashamed of that and have confessed that to my wife. I would never defend porn use or say anything like “it’s not that bad”. Although I had been exposed to porn throughout my adolescence and young adult life, my experience watching it was relatively late in life (40’s) as a result of becoming influenced by a VERY BAD book called “101 Sizzling Nights”. I don’t have space to talk about this book but one of its many really bad ideas was for a woman to pick out a porn movie, show it to her “partner” (language of the book), and “re-enact the scene”. My sensible wife altered this scenario and changed it to a steamy, romance movie. Tragically, this suggested scene played out in my mind and captivated me. What if I could find a really sexy scene that did not gross her out? I decided to search on the Internet for such a scene and we all know the story after that.
I realized this behavior was alien to everything I wanted in my marriage and I felt compelled to confess it after some time. She was beginning to suspect it already which helped disclosure. I felt our marriage grew stronger because I could share a shameful behavior and my trust was “rewarded”. By that, I felt we both listened to one another and shared our feelings. I could explain why this awful idea tempted me so much and why I wanted to stop. Porn use is a compulsive behavior that like alcohol/nicotine consumption can lead to relapses.
This is just my experience and I don’t claim it as universal but I felt that the fact that she never treated me with disgust as SO critical to our working through this together. Although I am rightfully ashamed of the behavior, I don’t think I would have responded well to being called an adulterer or to her asking me to leave our bedroom or in general treating me with disgust. I honestly think if she had treated me that way that it would have seriously delayed our reconciliation and my healing. I think I would have become defensive and accusatory. “How dare you call me an adulterer for looking at pictures, what about your stupid romance novels!”.
Ad Christians we always have to struggle with the proper response to sin and I just think this whole “disgust vs. compassion” is really an important theme.
What an amazing testimony!! It breaks my heart to know that little boys are being exposed younger and younger to porn. I plan on talking to my boys young, telling them if they ever come across things like that to throw them away and come talk to me and/or their Dad. I want to beat porn to the punch and protect my sons so they don’t start down a lifelong path of destruction. You reap what you sow!
I agree that compassion is really important; I think that most men realize how disgusting porn is, and that’s why they feel such shame and try to hide it. When I felt compassion for my husband, I know that gave him so much motivation to fight for our marriage, and it helps him to open up to me because he knows I’m not going to condemn him. Thankfully, God used our brokenness to draw us closer to Him and to each other, and we have a much happier and healthier marriage! 🙂
My husband started with porn use but took it further. He started going to strip clubs and engaging in sex acts with the prostitutes that worked at the clubs. I’m so torn up, I’ve forgiven him, I’m just finding it so difficult to get through the grief…I feel like I’m dying inside…
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are going through this, and I can relate to feeling like your dying. My heart goes out to you.
I do think it’s so important to understand this addiction through the eyes of a child–a husband who was once an unsuspecting child. You bring up a great point, Sheila, most “children” introduced to porn did not go looking for it and yet the grip of the addiction and the way it rewires the brain are devastating. Thank you for addressing these hard issues. I’m not sure what I think about your guest’s thoughts near the end–not wanting to know if her husband is doing pornography still. That kind of bothers me, but I am no expert on how to deal with this problem. I’d love to hear your thoughts on that particular issue. Thanks for all you do!
Yes, I’m like you–I think we HAVE to know what’s going on! But I thought the letter writer’s story of compassion for her son when she saw him as a child was great, and I want women to catch that!
I think that it’s a powerful metaphor for the way Christ sees us– as hurting children.
I have 17 and 18-year-old sons. The more I read your blog, the more concerned I become, wondering if this could be something they struggle with. I don’t want this to be their story. I don’t know how to bring it up. I haven’t any reason to think this may be an issue, other than the fact that they are boys growing up in a sex-obsessed world where porn is readily available. I know I have told them in past years that porn ruins people and relationships. But it has been years since we’ve discussed it in any way. What should I do? I feel like it would be so embarrassing for them if I tried to bring it up.
My husband was barely a teenager when he was exposed to porn for the first time. His dad caught him once looking at stuff, and all he did was tell him it was bad. How I wish his dad would’ve told him WHY it was bad, and offered help! As embarrassing of an issue as it is, the wise thing to do would be to talk to your kids. If you don’t talk to your kids, then they will go looking for answers on their own. My husband’s family never talked about sex, porn, or anything to do with sexuality and almost every single one of his siblings and he have been trapped in some way or form of sexual sin. It’s very important that we as moms and dads tackle the issues head on in a society where porn is readily available. I’ll be praying for you!
Thank you for your input, and especially your prayers! I really appreciate it!
That’s a great question! Honestly, you just have to TALK to them. Just say it outright: “I know most guys your age struggle with this, and I want to tell you why it’s so damaging. It’s not just that porn is WRONG; porn will ruin your sex life.” I know it’s awkward, but we have to be able to talk through these issues! A lot of parents have shown their sons my post on the top 10 effects of porn, just as a warning. That usually starts the conversation well.
Thank you so much–I will check out that post and show it to them! You’ve really helped me in a lot of ways, and I’ve told all my friends about your blog!
As well as talking to them, why not check their browser history occasionally? Just maybe not right before Christmas or your birthday! 😉
Thank you for your input. I’ve thought about this, but the only device it would be possible for them to view this on would be their phones, which their dad purchased for them, and we are divorced.
There is so much heartache around this issue. In 2002 I found ‘something’ on our new computer but my husband insisted it was only a ‘one time silly little thing’. Following that, I had flowers, notes, cards etc, saying I had got it all wrong and he was just hunting it out because he was curious following ‘the guys at work telling him to check it out now that you have a computer’. I understand lying and porn go together, however for the next 9 years I was lied to, screamed at, told I was ‘unforgiving’, had no redemption, couldn’t leave a one time silly little thing in the past and on and on. I felt tremendous guilt for re-questioning him. The sad thing is, I saw my husband as a good honest guy. Everyone described him as ‘such a lovely guy’. But I was always suspicious, other parts of our marriage did not make sense. We were going for months with no intimacy. But still he insisted I had nothing to worry about. He was so convincing that I didn’t put blocks on the computer.
Four years ago, the same old argument broke out one day and suddenly after 9 years of saying it was only once, his story was changed to “Ok it was twice”. I packed mine and my children’s bags and left. For three days I got told twice. Then the dreaded truth started to trickle out. It had started age 12. And gone on in one form or another using imagery during our entire marriage. He had stopped the computer of his own accord 3-4 years before confessing to me. I almost didn’t come back to him. But I did. And over 4 years later, we have still not moved on. Counselling made it worse, comments from some people at church made it worse. But worse of all and most damaging, my husband continued to lie about things. Sometimes he would be brutally honest and tell me all sorts. But the lying carried on and on and we are well and truly stuck. No more porn. But some incidents of lusting after random strangers in public.
He came from a broken home and I do feel compassion for that and can see why he started using that junk. But here’s the biggest thing…..I have had a chronic illness for many years and I had worked so hard to get it into remission that at the time of confession, I was basically symptom free. All the stress and horror relapsed me and I am still not back to where I was. A slow gradual improvement. But this has stolen my health as well as stealing everything else.
I have made the mistake of asking him if he finds other women more beautiful than me. Yes, I fully accept that it is my fault to ask him things like that. But I’ve so needed reassurance that I have what it takes to captivate him. He has admitted that yes, he sees women in public who are more beautiful than me. He has also admitted some women at church are more beautiful than me, though claims he isn’t looking at them. The thing is, I have always been considered to be pretty, attractive, gorgeous, beautiful etc etc. I get men looking at me a lot. I’m not trying to sound prideful here, but I am at a complete loss that my husband’s porn use has stolen any hope of him ever loving me for me and being captivated by my beauty.
I think perhaps the writer who wrote this article may have handled her situation differently than a lot of women. I admire her compassion and grace, but I think it needs to be in the perspective that women who don’t have the ability to follow those same reactions upon discovery shouldn’t feel guilty about that. I also definitely don’t agree when she says she has no idea when her husband last looked at porn and she doesn’t want to know. Every story of this devastation is different and how it is handled is also different in every case.
Sheila, I would like to know why you keep eating my comments. You are making me believe its because I don’t agree with your Yuri that all you have to pray about something and God’s going to solve your problems.
Hi there.
Quite frankly, it’s because so many of your comments have been so critical of my other commenters. I do have a comment policy that states that I don’t let comments through that support porn or say it isn’t bad–because it is so horrible. And I don’t allow commenters to continue to harp on other people. I did let through most of your original ones, but to be totally frank, I’m not quite sure why you want to keep commenting since you obviously disagree with everyone here. I need this to be a safe place for people to comment, and if people keep being very critical or negative, I tend to start moderating them or deleting them because that’s just not the tone I want for my blog. I hope you understand.
Sheila, I would like to know why you keep on deleting my comments and others when they don’t agree with you. I don’t believe that all you have to do is pray and God solves your problems. I guess you are are trying to make sure that people are only listen to your opinions and others experience. But, as soon as a person like myself are telling people the truth that you need to get professional counseling to help your marrageand not just pray about it and people are agree with me. Now you won’t let my comments go though.
I have said repeatedly that people need to get counseling. I have suggested that to numerous commenters on nearly all my posts; my most frequent comment is, “you need a third party, like a counselor or a mentor couple, to walk through this with you, and you need an accountability partner.”
The reason I keep deleting your comment is exactly this comment: you are accusing me of saying something I do not say. You are twisting my words. And you are very negative. I don’t want this blog to be negative, and so that’s the issue. I hope you understand, but I really am finished with this conversation now!
Sheila, is there any way you can block this lady from being able to comment? She has also posted comments on the article written by Robi. I don’t like her tone. Her comments make me uncomfortable & it seems like she doesn’t have good intentions by trying to involve herself in your ministry. thanks, I respect your website & refer to it often.
I actually blocked her yesterday! I had the same issue. I usually give people some grace, but if they keep being negative then I take action, and I did.
Thanks so much. Every blessing to you with all you do. Your website is a wealth of knowledge & the format is very easy to read & get around. I look forward to your posts every week. So challenging & they have helped me heaps.
So glad! Thank you!
I firmly believe this is on the rise because both men and women have the wrong idea of what a marriage is. I tend to think a lot of men(not all) turn to this because they simply are not getting what they need from their wives. This is not to say that men are not ultimately responsible for their actions, but if they are not “fed” at home, it’s much easier for them to succumb to temptation and surf the web.
So ladies, be open to your man and what he wants. Keep your limits and your dignity, but don’t be a puritan either. If you are married to a decent man, I firmly believe you can find a balance with him. You can be the woman that are found in those movies and keep him a happy clam. If you don’t, you end up running the risk to have them have the same experience that I have had:
I’ve been married more than a decade. My wife once we became married, well before the kids arrived, really had no need for intimacy. Sure we had it maybe once every 10-14 days, but I believe that was done more out of trying to keep me from getting too upset than it was to have a connection with me. And that frequency wasn’t a fraction of what I desired. And when we were together, it was about as vanilla as it could get. No foreplay, just get it on and be done with it. Over the years, the constant rejection built up in my mind. Resentment grew and anger became a permanent residence deep down inside me.
Now here we are in present day, the depression this dynamic created is with me every single day. I drink too much and now I suffer from ED, which I believe is psychological because I get very tense and nervous when we start to mess around (yes I know alcohol can cause it too, but I’m pretty sure it’s what going on inside my head). I second guess what’s happening and I can’t enjoy the moment. I used to have such a strong drive, now I’m relegated to my mind wanting to be intimate, but my body feels 0 need.
I don’t hardly initiate anymore, after being told “no” for so long, I see no need to keep putting myself out there. She does all the initiating now, but I can’t get the thought out of my head that she’s not doing this out of desire for me, but it’s born out her feeling guilty or just feeling like she has to. I will say this, in the last few months I do think she is trying, but I believe my mind has shut this part of me down and I have no clue how to get it back. We’ve talked and communicated many times over the years about this. Some talks were good, others were just a waste of time.
So for the wives who may not think this aspect of their marriage is that important, or feel that they have to fix other areas in their marriage before they can even think about being intimate with their partner, be careful. If you put this off for too long, soon what you think is a minor issue will grow into a monster and it will be a very difficult way back for you. This goes to the men who also refuse their wives.
I’m sorry I’ve gone off topic a bit on this, but it’s something that I believe women and men need to hear.
There is a frequent dynamic than early in a marriage a man may often desire a higher frequency of sex than his wife. This has a lot to do with how God made us. Although I am a guy I feel the need to challenge you a little bit here because I think you are getting into a blame game. We sometimes do not meet our spouses needs well especially since we think and feel differently as male and female. We have to strive to remain loving through these conflicts. The situation you describe seems to be so common. a woman will begin to initiate later in life which may be unwelcome to her husband because of pent up resentment and lower libido of the guy. Don’t put ideas in her head like she is only doing this out of this reason or that reason, why not just accept your situation and try to find ways to increase your libido and welcome her initiation of sex? I genuinely can related to the frustration you express but nothing good will come of wallowing in resentment and mistrust.
This is so so helpful in understanding a difficult and messy issue. Recently the guy I’m dating told me about his struggles with pornography. While I’m immeasurably thankful that he’s in recovery, and for his openness and honesty, I don’t think I could do it without the encouragement from all the stories I’ve heard from others who are working through it.
My husband was raped by an older boy when he was little. It happened a couple of times. Maybe more.
He blames that on his porn addiction. By the way, I HATE the word “addiction”.
It is sin, not a disease.
Anyway, I do have compassion for him. I love him as a fellow Christian, like Christ loves us.
But he has hurt me so many times that it IS hard to love and respect him as a husband.
He has let me down so many times, always claims he is innocent until I find the proof and
confront him with it.
You can pray all you want for anyone. God still gives them free choice.
I was sexually abused too as a child. I don’t use it as an excuse to sin.
Compassion and love are easy, sexual attraction to a man who uses porn OVER AND OVER AND OVER is another thing entirely.
God bless those men who REALLY want to change and actually DO something about it.