Can you be a Hot Mama?
Today I’m part of Kathi Lipp’s amazing 5 Books in 5 Days Marriage Event! She’s featuring a different author everyday, and you can win all 5 books! Read to the bottom to find out how to enter. And today, Erin MacPherson, Kathi’s coauthor in her new book Hot Mama, joins us in return for Wifey Wednesday. You’ll love this:
My old German grandmother used to tell me that I was never going to catch any fish just lying by the pond under a shade tree looking pretty. I had to actually pull out a line, hook on some bait and fish.
Okay, she didn’t say that.
But I think she would have had she had the opportunity to see me when I first got married. I loved being a newlywed—really I did. But I was a little bit…shall we call it… lazy. And I figured that if I sat on the couch with all of my feminine charms, my husband would just want me.
And he did. For a while.
But then things got busy. Job, mortgage, puppy, baby, another baby, another mortgage, another puppy, another baby…and, well, you get the picture. Finding time (and energy and desire) for sex became downright impossible.
And sex became less frequent.
My feminine charms started to feel less-than-charming.
My husband and I had what I now (somewhat) lovingly refer to as “that talk in 2012.” The gist of it was this: He did love me. He did find me hot and charming and desirable and all that jazz. But he was getting a bit tired of reaching out and getting things started while I sat on the couch and batted my eyelashes.
I was…shocked.
Good girls aren’t supposed to ask for sex, are they?
Enter Sheila Wray Gregiore. I confess: The only reason I picked up her book is because I felt like she was going to take my side. I mean, the word “good girl” was right there in the title, so obviously she was going to tell me that I was right, my husband was wrong and that I could just keep on doing things my old and comfortable way.
But she didn’t.
She told me that it’s okay for girls—even good girls—to like sex.
And she also told me that it’s important—even necessary—for us good girls to initiate sex from time-to-time. Not only to tell our husbands that we want them just as much as they want us (which is important) but also because it empowers us to be the women and the wives that God called us to be.
I clearly had some learning to do.
And God clearly has a sense of humor, because right as I started learning (and okay, trying), I got a contract to write my own sex book. (Yes, me, the quintessential “good girl” writing a sex book. Imagine that.) And so I really had to up my game. To change my ways. And to show my husband that he is worth getting off the couch for. Every single time.
I’m still not done learning yet, but I have amended my ways somewhat. And I do manage to my share of initiating from time-to-time.
And you can too.
Here are twenty ways that you can pull it off (literally) tonight.
1. Walk up to him and kiss him on the lips. Like it counts. Then lean back, look into his eyes, raise your eyebrows and kiss him again. Works. Every. Time.
2. Grab his butt when he walks by.
3. Send him text messages throughout the day, telling him exactly what you are going to do when he gets home.
4. Take off your clothes, walk into whatever room he is in. 1-2-done.
5. Buy new lingerie. Leave the receipt on the counter with a note that says “this is already on.”
6. Say, “I’m going to bed. Want to come?” Simple, but effective.
7. Wake him up with a big, sloppy kiss.
8. Leave a Post-It note on his steering wheel.
9. Wear your hottest panties under your clothes. Slide down your jeans to let him catch a glimpse.
10. Let him tuck the kids in. Wait for him in bed with nothing on.
11. Write it on his calendar in red. (Just make sure it’s not a shared work calendar. That could be embarrassing.)
12. Just do it. Literally, just grab his hand, pull him into the bedroom and do it.
13. Come up with a code word that means sex. Use that word as often as possible throughout the day.
14. Flash him. (Just make sure to pull down your shades first.)
15. Buy new (red, satin) sheets. Ask him to give them a try.
16. Let him walk into the kitchen and find you cooking a la Garth Brooks—with nothing but an apron.
17. Offer to give him a massage.
18. Play a little game of strip Uno. Instead of having to draw four, make him take off four items of clothing.
19. Turn on a favorite song. Ask him to dance right there in your living room.
20. Next time he’s in the shower, hop in with him.
There you go, ladies! Have some fun!
Erin MacPherson and Kathi Lipp are authors of Hot Mama, an awesome book to show you how you can have a hot sex life–even if you’re a mom with mashed bananas on your sweatshirt.
And now–head on over to read my post on Kathi’s blog on why sex is for you, too–and then comment at the end for a chance to win all 5 marriage books!
Are you a marriage blogger? Don’t forget to link up a marriage post in today’s Wifey Wednesday! Just add the URL to the linky below. And then be sure to link back here so other people can read these awesome posts, too.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Disclaimer alert!! These ONLY work if your husband is really into sex and is the initiator most of the time. For the rest of us, this article isn’t for us. We often do at least 5 of these suggestions all in the same day to no avail. Not trying to whine here, just don’t want more discouragement for wives like me who are reading this. I wish you gals with horny hubbys knew how lucky you are.
Very true, Angie! If that’s you, this is likely a better series: When your husband doesn’t want sex.
I have to agree with Angie….sigh. If only my hubby wanted it as much as I do. I could do ALL of these in a single day…and he may or may not be interested. Those women whose husbands want sex more frequently than once a week or two are blessed.
Yes, Angie! I agree 100%!!! I don’t usually read here because all the “how to get into it” and “oh believe you’re beautiful” stuff really gets to me. It’s hard when your husband doesn’t desire you. It’s hard when you are happy to initiate but he could take you or leave you. It is incredibly discouraging to read these things. And all the perfect, desireable wives say “oh it’s not you, maybe he’s stressed out.” Maybe. Doesn’t make it hurt any less. I agree with you that the wives who have husbands who desire them should just stop whining and BE THANKFUL! The opposite is far, far, far worse. Especially when you follow all the “rules”, fight the frump, try to look good for him, try to stay in shape – all for nothing.
Angie,
Thank God you said it before I did. I feel like the only one who ever speaks up that these lists can be hurtful, offensive, and cause a great deal of frustration and depression and anger. Even if my husband does act interested, I just can’t trust him anymore because I have been shot down so many times. Even if he tries to act interested and tells me we will have sex, on the rare occasions that he follows through all I can think of the whole time is that at any moment he is going to become disinterested and just stop, or fall asleep… He’s never that into it, so the line between having sex and sleeping is really blurred. I’m always the one who has to do all the work. Even if I do the shower thing…. he might kiss me a couple times…. and I might think it’s going somewhere… and then he just changes his mind and leaves.
The first couple of years of marriage I did all these things on the list (I was excited about getting married so that I could do them!), but I just can’t subject myself to that kind of heartache anymore. It has really affected my health.
I have shown him articles like this and he just gets angry and says that they are lying and exaggerating. He says people don’t really have sex that much and husbands don’t really do these things and that I have a problem. He thinks because I don’t mind being naked in front of him that I am obsessed with my body. (He has lived apart from me for over a year due to work and only comes home once per month. I called him on facetime right before I was going to get in the shower and I took my clothes off while I was talking to him and showed him. I was upset that I didn’t get any kind of a reaction and he started flipping out on me saying I take my clothes off in front of him too much and that he wanted some mystery and that I was obsessed with my body and accused me of being gay cause I like the way I look. Dead serious. This happened.)
So forgive me if I get upset when I see posts like this. Forgive me if I can’t just let all the hurt go and just jump into bed with confidence. How can I control the overwhelming fear of rejection every time we have sex? Because if he doesn’t fall asleep, he just plows in and hurts me and it’s over in no time. And he doesn’t care. No, I can’t talk to him about it. (I can’t even cry about it. I did when we first got married and he shut me in the spare room.) He can’t talk about anything, and he can never take suggestions or be wrong. He says he would rather have someone put a fork in his eye than talk to me. He told me after this incident (on the phone) that he hopes that he dies and I find another guy and that that guy doesn’t want sex either (presumably so I see that he isn’t that bad). So forgive me, Sheila, if you think that I’m so negative about my sex life. I have a good reason.
KTW, I really am sorry that you’re going through this. I really am. And I know you’re hurting, and it sounds like it really is a difficult situation.
Absolutely no question about that.
I guess my question would be, though, what are you going to do about it?
Again, I don’t mean to be harsh, but sometimes when something is so bad that it’s driving us nuts, we really have to do something. Because you only have three options: push your feelings aside and make it not matter anymore; don’t do anything about it but keep getting angrier and angrier; or deal with the situation. It seems to me like #1 and #2 are pretty terrible options. Yet those tend to be the ones that people choose.
So the real question is: how can you tackle this issue? How can you get your husband and you on the same page about intimacy? Maybe it takes seeing a counselor. Maybe it takes a bit of tough love saying, “we really can’t live like this, and we need to address this problem.” Maybe it needs a mentor couple to step in.
And if it just won’t get better, then eventually you need to make a decision: do I leave him, or do I forgive him and put it behind me and ask God to fill my needs instead? Because the one thing you can’t do is just stay angry forever. It isn’t good for either of you. So you have to find a way either to deal with it or to let it go.
I’m not saying either route is easy, and I don’t know which is most plausible in your situation because I don’t really know your situation. But it sounds as if your husband may actually have some psychological issues that he needs to deal with and that he really needs to see a counselor. And so I think that insisting on that may be the best route. The only thing you can’t do, though, is staying right where you are now. I hope that makes sense!
Hey Sheila,
Yes, we went to counseling when we were first married. It made things worse. He is great at turning a jury. Counselors automatically start labeling the one who is upset and really never offer any helpful advice. The problem is that most people have never been in my situation who are counselors. No one thinks he has a problem because he’s all calm till you get him home and he goes completely off the reservation Yes, I have read all of your articles; I have read nearly every article on the internet that could possibly apply, as a matter of fact. I even asked a couple when we first got married to talk with us and they refused because they said they were unqualified. Most mentors that I confide in ask me if he is gay. I get weird looks when people find out he doesn’t want me, and they are struck dumb.
Yes, I have had quite a few talks with God about this. And I have asked him to take away my desire… and now I’m just in a state of confusion. Like I said, I always regret having sex because I wonder why I wasted my time and why I couldn’t remember what an awful experience it was from the last time. I feel like I have come to terms with it, to a certain extent, (and sometimes I think things are going to be just fine until he flips out on me) but when I read an article like this (9 hours and 30 mins before he comes home for the first time in weeks) it just sends me back down that spiral. I’d really rather just pretend that he didn’t exist than pick him up from the airport. And since he hasn’t talked to me all day, and usually doesn’t, it’s pretty easy to do until I realize that I am going to have a possibly unstable person in my house in 9 hours and 28 mins (but who’s counting?). Or it might be fine. But I never know how to prepare myself. The only books I have ever found helpful are “The Sex Starved Wife,” and “The Sex Starved Marriage.” I was reading a portion the other night about “acting ‘as if.'” Meaning, if you assume the best is going to happen, it is more likely to (I.e. keep a positive attitude). But as I count down the hours… I don’t even know what I want. I don’t know how to act. I have tried everything. I swear to you. He is not into porn, he’s not gay, he says he loves me and he’s attracted to me….. but…. I don’t feel any love.
I’ll make a confession to you. You know how I said there are lots of reasons that affairs happen? Well, I had one this summer. It only lasted for a month because I told my husband and had to break it off… and it was with someone who lives 12 hours away. My husband lives 10 hours away. This other man and I had our disagreements, but I have never felt truly loved like that in my life. No one has ever made me feel so confident that I was loved and beautiful. No matter what. Even in pjs and no makeup. Even when we were having an argument. He made me realize how utterly broken my marriage relationship was. What I had with him is what my marriage SHOULD be like. After our first argument had settled down he realized that I still wasn’t ok with something. Even though it had already been beaten like a dead horse, and I knew he was frustrated, he came back to it and said, “I want to talk through this until you are ok with it. What can I do to make things ok?” All I could do was cry when he said that. The overwhelming realization of how broken my home life was hit me hard. I had never seen that kind of caring attitude demonstrated in my whole life. Not in my family, and definitely not toward me. It made me realize that my marriage was broken WAY beyond the sex. My husband had never shown that I was the most important thing to him. Instead, I have been shut in bathrooms, bedrooms, left on the street to walk home, left at relatives houses during family get togethers and told to find my own way home, and plain walked out on or physically shoved away anywhere and everywhere. I even have tire marks on one of my pairs of pants from when he left me somewhere and I tried to stop him.
So, you’ll have to forgive me when I don’t buy into all affairs being infatuation that only lasts for 1.5yrs. Sometimes it can truly be love. And in my case, it was the first time in my life that I had ever been in love, not to mention having the same amount of affection returned. I’m not stupid or naive. I guarded my heart when I was a teenager. I’ve been a Christian my whole life, I’ve read all the books on marriage and purity starting when I was 12. I’m a logical, level headed person. I’m not this terrible person. I’m that girl that could be your daughter, or her best friend; and I grew up in a super conservative church with amazing godly friends that have stuck by each other’s side for years. But I swear to you, no one has ever loved me like that. And there is no amount of preaching that can convince me that he didn’t love me. A woman knows in her heart when she is truly loved or not. At least I get to live my life from now on knowing that someone, somewhere, loved me like I need to be loved and totally accepted me for who I am. It really has been a great comfort to me.
8 hour and 30 mins….. (*face palm*)
KTW–I’m so sorry. Based on what you described, I do think something is way wrong. To me, it really sounds like your husband is abusive. Maybe not the traditional way people think of abuse, but if he’s leaving you places with no way to get home, walking out on you, physically shoving you around, and trying to tell you it’s your fault, that is physical and emotional abuse. Even if there are good times in between, it’s still abusive and unacceptable. I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what I would do myself in your situation, but I do hope you can find help. And, in a relationship like that, if he’s not changing or interested in changing, it’s okay to get out, if only for your own health and safety.
There’s nothing that says you can’t get counselling on your own. I am a therapist; if you walked into my office I would be asking you ‘what are you getting out of of this relationship?’ ‘What was your parents’ relationship like?’ ‘What was your relationship with your parents like?’ Our early patterns of relating are formed with our parents. If your parents were cold with each other or with you, you may think this is what love is supposed to be like- it isn’t. Or perhaps you think if you try hard enough you can fix this. You cannot fix someone. You can support them to change but the change needs to come from them. If someone is ignoring you or leaving you places on your own this is emotionally abusive. Please get yourself some help to deal with this. Marriage shouldn’t be something to be endured. If he refuses to look at his behaviour or to change then divorce might be your only option. Good luck.
if you had sex during your affair, you violated the Seventh Commandment and greatly sinned against your husband and God, however, I feel terrible that your husband has done you like this and encourage you to pray very hard about it and, if God leads you to, divorce your husband for his sexual immorality and abuse, and wait for God to lead you to who He would have you to be with. Your husband has no right to deny you sexually without it being for just cause reasons of inability or by mutual consent for a time of fasting and prayer. Exodus 21:10-11 authorizes a wife who isn’t given her marital rights(food, clothing, shelter, and sex for examples) to divorce her husband, so you would not be sinning to divorce and remarry in this case. God bless. Sister.
I feel very bad for wives whose husbands give them the sexual attention that they want. When I was reading this list, I thought…this is a nice list, but a wife who rarely initiates sex with her husband will not want to do any of these things. The biggest reason that husbands and wives are unsatisfied with their sex lives is that they are not “made for each other.” This is something that is rarely said in “advice blogs.” Wives can be the most passionate loving spouses on earth, and it will not help if they have a husband who does not appreciate their efforts…and vise versa. I read so many comments from unhappy spouses. They have all tried everything…it really doesn’t matter. All your efforts are getting you nowhere because you have married the wrong person. Many people realize this and get divorced. Many people do not believe in divorce and live unhappy lives. I do not believe in divorce, but I understand why a spouse would become so frustrated that they would leave their marriage. And in many cases, it’s not because the other person is trying to make their spouse miserable….they have simply married the wrong person. It is sad, but it is true. I am of the belief that a couple should always try to communicate, and be loving and selfless. But when I read these blogs and read the comments, there are so many people that have tried everything. I feel so bad for all of you. I am in agreement with so many of you…I wish my love life was better. God bless you all.
Edit first line: Whose husbands Do Not give them the sexual attention they want.
They can’t rightly divorce for anything other than sexual immorality, or abandonment. If one is sexually refusing the other, they can be rightly divorced, and remarriage afterwards would not be a sin. Any other reason for divorce is un-Godly and sin.
I think these are great suggestions, Erin and Sheila. I know that there are husbands out there that are like Angie’s guy, but for the most part, I think women are the ones who are too passive and fear being tarnishing their “good girl” image. We all need a little kick in the pants–maybe then our “pants” or “skirts” will come off more often when our mate is in the room. 😉 Thanks for the challenge and linkup!
I guess with being a “bad” girl, very bad girl, I have had a different viewpoint on sex. Loved your comment on the skirts coming off, lol. What do you do when your husband is a prude instead of the wife? Any articles on this?
Another idea…when your hubs is taking a shower at night sneak in and steal all of his clothes. Wait for him in the bedroom in your favorite lingerie and yeah…I’ll never forget the smile on his face. 😉
Awesome!
Great article!!! My poor hubby is definitely more sexual than me & initiates more than me. We have just recently just discussed these very things. Here’s my question though: I can do several of these in a day. However, by the time I’ve cooked supper, given baths to kiddos, cleaned kitchen, bathe myself, get school stuff for next day & gotten kiddos into bed, all these initiations go out the window. I’m ready to chillax, get on a device & not think about anything. By the time this happens, sex isn’t on my mind anymore. What can be done to help w this??
I think you need a disclaimer on some of your posts – something along the lines of everything is not for everyone; there are different stages to life and marriage…however all things being equal and you find yourself in this situation then read on….
Amen.
At least that acknowledgment would be helpful. I know it would make ME feel better if 90% of posts said that!
I just want to jump in and say I’m in the same camp as the ladies whose husbands could take-it-or-leave-it. And I have a FABULOUS Christian husband. In fact, the ONLY complaint I could ever DREAM of cooking up about our marriage is that I find him so dang sexy and yet… its not mutual. And even his rationale is admirable to me (though I disagree with it): he seems to believe that God brought us together to serve each other and build each other up spiritually. So he’s always happy to build me something, run to the grocery store, stay up at night to help me with a sick child, pray with me, etc…. but sex is like “empty calories” to him – it doesn’t “feed” our marriage. It just pleasures us. He hasn’t used the word “selfish” but I feel like he’s thinking it.
And recently I’ve gotten really confused. Blog posts like these assume men desire sex. But before I was married I was told (by my mom and pastors, etc.) to save myself for marriage because sex does NOT bond men to women and that if I gave myself away before getting married it would NOT mean the man loved me but just that he’d gotten a few moments of pleasure out of me. Then he’d be ready to “move on.” That was the line fed to all the gals at my church re: why to NOT have sex before marriage. Then, apparently, right after marriage they start telling you sex DOES bond the guy and you NEED to give it to him as often as he wants because it will glue your marriage together forever… and I just have started to wonder. Is the pre-marriage man or the post-marriage man the real “man”? Or do men change?? Or are the churches just selling us mumbo-jumbo to get us to stay pure as teens and then give sex as married women? Like I said, I’m confused and discouraged.
(And for the record, I am reasonably pretty, keep myself up-to-date, have retained NO weight from pregnancies -weigh less now than when we got married!, dress cute, fix my hair and makeup before he gets home, keep the house clean, dinner is on the table at 5 (or 5:30 – I’m human!), the kids are clean and reasonably happy when he gets home, I put the kids to bed two hours before our bedtime, I exercise regularly, and while I would be HAPPY to change more of myself to be more attractive… honestly I think I’m as attractive as I can get. If he needs more, it’ll have to be plastic surgery or a new woman. I’m doing everything I can with the body I’ve got!!)
There are numerous reasons why someone wouldn’t want sex; low sex drive, no attraction to their partner, medical issues, pain, performance issues etc. Also to consider are sexual abuse which can cause problems enjoying sex or even having it all and shame. Some people have been brought up to believe so strongly that sex is sinful or shameful and work hard to repress any desires or feelings as an adolescent. They find it hard to ‘turn it back on again’ even when they are married and sex is permitted. Counselling might enable you to communicate better which could help you to understand why he doesn’t want sex. Most people aren’t taught to communicate and hide a lot of their emotions or desires to make themselves ‘acceptable’ to others. I would imagine if you could speak more openly about his concerns you would be able to work on a solution that suits you both.
Any suggestions for more “gentler” seduction? My husband and I are having a hard time being emotionally vulnerable with each other, and though he has a high sex drive, at this point most of the above suggestions wouldn’t fly very well. Thanks for any ideas!
Most of these would work with my hubby and he has expressed his desire for me to initiate more; yet I get rejected nearly every time I try to initiate. It takes me a while to work up the nerve to try again. I don’t know why being rejected feels so bad (im not really into sex since it tends to be uncomfortable or painful for me and if I initiate that means no “lovey dovey stuff” -foreplay- and very painful sex. So I should feel releaved.) but I feel like I must be doing something wrong. He asked me what was wrong after he rejected my advances once, in frustration I asked why I should initiate at all. Then then the whole time we had sex (which I didn’t enjoy at all) he acted like I was making him do the dishes. It’s all very confusing, am I bad for not wanting to initiate?
That was a nice list
Let me add an idea. You can get the atmosphere saturated with love from the .early hours of the day, but telling your spouse how happy you were to wake up beside him or her.
And while he/she is out, send a text massage telling him or how how you can’t wait to have him by your side.
Good write up. One simple thing Get the atmosphere ready.right from the time you .wake up. Immediatly tell him or her how good it feels to wake up by his or .her side and why you are .not with around each other, send a text massage telling him or her how you can’t wait to have him/ her around
Just know that the most important sex organs are not the genitals, the most important sex organ is the mind .So take time to prepare your spouses mind .