Can a wife actually help her husband end a porn addiction?
Porn is the number one problem that women write in to me about, so I thought I’d spend three days talking about different aspects of it.
Thanks for all your comments yesterday on when to invite your husband back into your bed–sorry I didn’t join in the discussion! Another twelve hour day in our RV. And today we’ll be HOME! So as I’m wrapping up my first RV speaking trip, I’ve invited Robi Smith from the blog Hopeful Wife Today to share 10 steps with us for Top 10 Tuesday about how to help your hubby end his porn habit.
Many marriages are ending due to the effects of pornography. The marriages that are staying together after a pornography addiction are spending years to heal and rebuild trust. Husbands are being trapped in this powerful temptation. Many men see no way out of porn. Many women are hopeless to even try to help their husbands.
Certainly the husband must be the one who is willing to change. He must have the desire to quit viewing porn. However, most Christian men do not want to look at porn. In fact, they are desperate to quit! But they find themselves in an impossible cycle that is just too hard to stop. That’s why wives are in a unique position to help their husbands end a porn addiction.
I went through this cycle with my husband. He spent all his teenage years, young adult years, and married years addicted to pornography. For ten years I did not know he even had a problem with lust. It was that hidden. When I finally discovered his struggle, he felt free. He thought finally, after all this time, someone can know! Someone can actually help me beat this!
So here are the top 10 ways to help your husband end a porn addiction:
1. Confront him about his porn addiction
Porn addicts thrive on secrecy. Porn users typically cover their tracks by deleting history and viewing only when they think they will not get caught. If someone actually knew what they were doing, most of them wouldn’t do it at all. There is so much shame involved in this sin. That is why if you know your husband has been watching porn, you must tell him.
2. Daily Prayer and Bible Reading
The most important thing that helped my husband overcome lust was a daily prayer and Bible reading time. Not only did this help my husband, but it also helped me to heal and our marriage to be restored. This was a time that we set aside to specifically pray over our marriage. Moreover, we prayed for my husband’s struggle with lust. We found specific Bible verses that he could read and pray over in order to defeat lust. He calls this putting on the armor of God. He prays for God to protect his eyes and his body throughout the day. He does this every single day.
3. Use Internet Filtering to Avoid Porn
Internet filtering is so important to have on any computer and on his phone. We use Covenant Eyes because it has worked wonderfully. I knew that I could not have peace in my home unless I knew that the access to pornography was blocked. This also helped my husband so much with temptation. He knew it wasn’t even an option. Many people say that you can get around computer filters. This is probably true to some degree. However, you have to really try to get around Covenant Eyes. For my husband, he greatly wanted to quit watching porn, so he never put in all the extra effort to pass filters. He felt so relieved to know that someone would find out what he was doing on the internet.
Find out more about Covenant Eyes, or download some of their free ebooks on the effects of porn and how to quit, here.
4. Be Honest and Open to Each Other About Your Struggles
This was the most difficult area for my marriage when my husband was recovering from porn addiction. Porn watchers are usually secretive, deceptive, and keep their emotions closed. My husband had never been open to anyone in his life– ever. God has led me to urge my husband to tell me anything even if it really hurts. My husband doesn’t want to share things with me that will bother me. But honesty is so important in marriage. I am not talking about every lustful thought. I am talking about important things that happen in his day to day life that he should share with me. It might be about his struggle with lust. It could be an inappropriate conversation someone had with him. Sometimes it is when he feels like a failure at work or at home. This area will greatly help your husband overcome watching porn. He needs to be able to release his stress and have emotional intimacy with his wife.
5. Set Aside a Time to Talk about His Day
Before I found out he was watching porn, my husband very rarely shared his day with me. He most often said, “I don’t want to talk about my day, I’d rather hear about yours.” That was fine with me. But, I realized he never wanted to talk because he kept his emotions so closed from me. Now, we talk each night for about 15 minutes about our days. He tells me all about the events of his day. I tell him about my day. Additionally, we tell each other our “highs” and lows”. This is the best time for him to relieve any stress that is building up.
6. Find him Accountability
Many people will argue that a wife should never be an accountability partner. We feel differently in our marriage. I do agree that some things are too harsh for a wife to hear. That is true. No husband should be telling his wife random lustful thoughts he struggles with. My husband brings his thoughts before God and prays all day to “flee” from lustful thoughts. But, with other things, I am a part of my husband’s accountability. First, I needed to be a part of this. There was so much lying and deception in our marriage that I wanted to know when something came up. My husband agreed with this because it has helped us to rebuild trust so immensely. He tells me things in his life that are a temptation. He tells me where and when he struggles the most. This is something that he will always share with me.
7. Keep Your Reaction Godly
Hearing about a husband’s problem with lust hurts deeply in a wife’s heart. I can still feel the deep, overwhelming pain from when I found out my husband watched pornography. However, when I am listening to God, I know that I want to help my husband. I want our marriage to grow. I want to be in love with him. Therefore, to help him overcome porn, I have to have godly reactions to what he tells me. When he shares something about his past or his struggle with me and I react in anger, it closes him up more again. And I do not want that. Now, when he tells me something that is making him struggle with temptation I try to follow God. I pray with him. I ask him what he’s doing about it. Each time that I choose this reaction I am helping my husband. I know that this is not the easy or natural response. It takes practice. It takes drawing close to God. I have failed at this many times. But, God is helping me grow in this area.
8. Draw Close to God
This means for you, as the wife, to draw close to God. Knowing that your husband had an addiction to pornography is very devastating. We need to spend time with God to overcome this hurt. We can pour out all of our feelings to God. We also can pray for our husbands. We can cover them in prayer all day.
9. Trust him again by Trusting in God
My husband’s deepest regret is that he lost all of my trust. It has been over three years since I found out about my husband. There are still situations that I do not trust him in. There are things that I do not want him to do because I think “what if.” I can set boundaries in my marriage. These are normal, healthy boundaries for someone that is overcoming temptation to porn. However, I cannot keep my husband sheltered in a world where he cannot be a part of daily life. He has to go to work each day, the store, the gym, etc. He has to use the computer for many work related things. He even has to use computers at work that are not filtered at all. This can be very scary as a wife. I can let doubt control my life. But I choose to trust my husband by trusting in God.
I tell God that I don’t completely trust my husband yet. He lied to me for many years and betrayed me terribly. But, I do trust You God. So, I pray if there is something You want me to know that my husband does not tell me, please bring it to light. I can tell you that anything that has ever happened that my husband was too scared to tell me, God put it in my heart. God was the one who originally led me find out about the pornography. God will not let me down now. It might not be immediately, but He will show me. Knowing this has helped my husband want to be a good man.
10. Give Him a Second Chance After the Porn
Even after we make this decision, we have to carry it through with our actions. If your husband had a problem with pornography and he is truly repentant to you, what is stopping you from giving him a second chance? Is it fear, anger, or a desire for revenge? I have felt each one of those. But, in the end, they left me feeling dead. I could only choose God’s way. I looked at what Jesus did on the cross for us. I deeply studied the Gospels and read the words that Jesus spoke to sinners. His whole message to us is about redemption, restoration, and forgiveness. How could I claim to love God and not forgive my husband?
It may be the most difficult thing you ever have to do. But, God will bless you. He will take your marriage that was so broken and messed up and he will make it beautiful. He can only do this if you give your husband that second chance. And when you do that, you will be helping your husband in more ways than you will ever know.
Let me know in the comments: Have you ever struggled with rebuilding trust or with ending a porn addiction? How did you do it?
Robi blogs at Hopeful Wife Today, a site dedicated to bringing hope and healing to hurting wives dealing with their husband’s pornography use and unfaithfulness.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
The number one thing that helped me to trust my husband again was him taking the initiative and choosing to get a male accountability partner. Seeing that he was serious about fighting the temptation made it easier to let go and trust him, and it has give me freedom so I don’t feel like I’m the “porn police”. I always ask him from time to time how he’s doing and I am constantly praying for him. We only have Internet on my phone, and if he needs to borrow it, he only uses it when I’m home. If we ever were to get internet service in our home, we would definitely get a filter, as we also have two young boys that we want to protect. Covenant Eyes is great!
Nicole,
That’s wonderful that you’re trusting your husband again. Those are great suggestions. God bless you and your marriage.
I read another article recently on the Covenant Eyes website with pretty much the same title as this one. One of the points listed there was to let your husband see your grief. It can be easy for a husband to think things like, “This won’t effect my wife. This has nothing to do with my wife. I still love her. This isn’t coming between us or affecting our relationship, including our sex life.” But seeing the depth of a wife’s grief can hopefully slap him in the face with the crisis he has really put the marriage in.
I know there are all different kinds of situations, but in our situation, my husband wanted to change, but still couldn’t quite come to grips with how damaging porn really is. He KNEW it was wrong, but some things that are wrong just aren’t terribly harmful. Lying is wrong, but a lot of lies can fall into the “little white lie” category. God is displeased, but they aren’t causing people a lot of pain. Hubby even explained away decreased libido and occasional ED, saying, “I’m just getting older now.” Hello, you’re barely over 30! He doesn’t want to, or hasn’t been able to grasp the fact that porn has such far reaching effects. You really DO reap what you sow. I’m afraid we’ll be both be reaping the consequences of his porn use for years to come, even though we have sought help and he is really trying. I think he has grown in the last few months, and I am proud of him for that. It’s progress!
AC,
That is a really good point. I think that helped my husband also- to see the grief he caused me. Where before I knew about it, he couldn’t see how it was hurting me. I’m so sorry that you’re going through the consequences of this sin. I’m praying for you and your husband. I pray that he continues to experience progress. I pray that God will keep working in your marriage.
Another great point, AC! Yes, husbands do need to see the grief and understand how destructive it is. Whenever I write about porn I usually have men on this site justifying it or blaming the wives (I don’t see too much of that yet, but I’ve only just started reading through the comments). I think there’s a lot of “it’s no big deal” attitude, even among Christians. It is so scary.
There is a lot of ‘it’s no big deal’ attitude.
I hate to burst your bubble, but many men blame their wives, then insist it isn’t hurting anything.
Many men learn to treat their women like objects, they disconnect – how do you reconnect with someone who considers sex his right and her duty? How to connect with someone who isn’t interested?
It was once our pleasure, now it,s his privacy and my pain.
Sally2,
I’m so sorry that you’re hurting from this sin. You’re right- there are a lot of viewpoints like you describe. It is just one of the sad consequences. I found that my husband was very disconnected. He seemed to be emotionally empty. It really did take years to bring us both closer to each other and God. We started very slowly by just talking and praying each day. We would talk about our day and then pray for our marriage. Many times, the deep pain that I was feeling was shown to my husband through God and through God’s word. I don’t think I could have helped my husband to understand what I was going through. God had to do that. He had actually become a cold person that sin had taken over. The first step was God revealing the sin to me. And then slowly God worked in my husband’s heart and our marriage. It’s hard to believe the man that he is today compared to who he was when he was deep in sin. I’m praying for you tonight.
I would say that it is important to know that just like any addiction, he or she might deal with re-lapses. It is very hard to break any addiction. As hard as it is to confess when you’ve looked at porn, your spouse needs to do that for you. Even it if will re-open the wound.
Hi! I have never gone though what you ladys are experiencing.But I have seen it first hand when I had to follow a marriage counseling and had to follow a psycholists around when it come to handling people with addictions. First, anyone that is going though any type of addiction needs to talk with a professional psychologist get get to the bottom line of their addiction. Second, you both need to see a marriage counselor. AC, its not a good idea to control your husband Internet access this isn’t going to help you trust him in the long run. If you realy want to save your marrage and get him though this addiction ge needs to talk to psychologist. Their are just something that can’t be solved by prayer a lone or controling the person with a addiction.
CJ,
I don’t think you can assume everyone who ever uses porn is an addict. I certainly don’t assume that everyone who gambles is a gambling addict. I don’t believe my husband is an addict. He and I ARE getting help. We aren’t only praying about our situation. And I’m not controlling him. We were advised to have the internet filter installed on our devices, and he was all for that. He says it has really helped him do right. I really don’t think he’d want to have it removed any time soon, because it gives him so much extra protection in an area that he can be weak.
Let me add that an accountability partner is effective only to the extent your husband is honest with his accountability partner. An accountability partner can be easily fooled or told what he wants to hear. There in only one true accountability partner and that is the Holy Spirit.
I agree that getting to the root of any addiction is key. Sometimes a trauma or some sort of severe pain is the cause. Yes, prayer works. Yes, God is good. But God also wants us to be healthy emotionally and trying to “fix” the addiction can be like putting a band aid on a gushing wound. These steps are wonderful things for the wives to do. But please consider solid counseling to deal with the root and grow healthy.
G,
That’s a really good point. It would be wonderful to work through all that with a trained counselor. With us, we couldn’t find a counselor that was trained in this and the counseling we went to didn’t really help much. A lot of the healing and finding root causes happened during our talking and studying. My husband was finally able to open up to me about his deep wounds and the broken parts from his childhood. We learned so much from pouring over the Bible. Great books that truly deal with helping marriages grow also brought a lot to our marriage. From many of the wives that I talk to- a lot of couples never go to counseling. In some cases couples never even tell anyone about this. And even some couples have been badly hurt due to poor counseling or bad advice from a church. There is so much that needs to be done with this “silent” sin.
I never meant to imply that just because a person has watched porn that everyone has a problem with it. Some women just don’t like their husbands watching it. Then when they fine out that their husband has been watching it they are hurt. In that case you are right you don’t need to talk to someone.
Hi Robi, I just wanted to add that I was relieved to read that a lot of people who go through this don’t go to counselling. It’s the first thing people suggest as the way to find healing, and I don’t want to discourage those for whom it is actually helpful. For my husband and I, counselling tore us apart further. The counsellor was kind of putting my husband in a box and rattling off general things that were hurtful and harmful to us both and making my trauma even more severe. I saw a different counsellor by myself and was also harmed and hurt by things she said. I understand counsellors have good intentions, but they’re not necessarily the answer for everyone.
We also were hurt and made to feel helpless by some people at church….even some in leadership. They said things like “all guys lust and if they say they don’t they’re lying” and well meaning friends would say to me “you do know all guys lust aye”. And they would tell my husband and I it is just an inevitable part of life. We have had to do our own reading and research and reach our own conclusions but input from other people has nearly destroyed our marriage further and prolonged us trying to heal by years. For us personally, we wished we’d never told anyone about this either as it truly has confused and damaged our situation further. It’s a deep and complicated issue and hard to go through alone. Fortunately, we do have one couple who have also been through this years ago and have spoken positive and hopeful words into our situation. Blessings.
Hi,
I think that there are a lot of people who offer advice that is really not based on the Bible. I agree with you that telling some people in our lives can cause more hurt. I think most of us agree that true healing can only come from God. I’m glad you were able to find this healing and that you have a trustworthy couple you know! That is such a blessing.
Yes, I agree about some people offering advice that isn’t really biblical. The lust thing has been almost tolerated by some as something guys just can’t help doing. My husband and I have had some excellent online reading from people who declare otherwise and how lust has become almost acceptable….’just a little bit now and then’. However, when the bible was written, obviously it is talking about lust of the eye in general. It isn’t talking about computers! Some people seem to outright say pornography is wrong, but women in public or on TV etc is just ‘normal’ when it comes to lust. That was really confusing for my husband and I because we truly don’t believe that. I found that I was just as hurt about lust after women in public as I was about the computer stuff. Often women in public are scantily dressed and it hurts the same. Perhaps worse at times because they’re real people.
The bible is quite clear on there not even being a ‘hint’ of sexual immorality. It seems the church has sometimes accepted a bit of lust as ‘normal’ but would never condone things like stealing! Thanks so much for your input. Blessings.
Hello! I know this post is several years old but I wanted to let you know that it was helpful to read the article and the comments by women whom I can relate to since I found out a week ago that my fiance has been hiding his porn and masturbation addiction from me. We had a really good conversation about it and he’s determined to quit and change his habits because he saw how it affected me. The most hurtful part is that I put 150% into trying to satisfy him and being intimate with him and even though we’ve had this amazing bond and connection, he still felt the need to turn to porn. I don’t want this to hang over us but I’m so hurt over it that I don’t know how to get past it to have the confidence I had before and to not feel like I’m not enough. Thanks for reading this.
My husband is struggling with it right now and this has been going on for three years. We went to counseling for about a year then stopped due to his job. Now he’s back at it again. He keeps telling me He’s done but then a few days later it happens again. I’m so overwhelmed by this happening I don’t know what to do.
Robi, Its hard to believe that you can’t fine a psychologists in your area that can help your husband and you though his addiction. I don’t suggesting you to go talk to the church they aren’t train psychologist. I do agree with this person G, anyone that isn’t getting the professional help is like putting a Band-Aid on it wound. Please anyone that is going though this get right type of help. Don’t just pray about it or control your husbands Internet access like one lady above suggested. He isn’t a littly boy that you needs or should be controlled
Hi cj,
Thank you for your thoughts. I do agree with you that a trained counselor can help couples tremendously. However, many wives that come to my site have stated that counseling didn’t truly heal them or they refuse to go to counseling. That is why my husband and I truly believe that Jesus Christ is the ultimate healer. Anyone can come to Him to be healed. In the Gospels we can read the words that Jesus tells us for healing. We also took courses through Setting Captives Free. But all of this points us to the cross. My husband has been without porn for three and a half years. Our marriage is being restored. We only credit Jesus with this healing. But, I do agree with you that a godly, trained counselor would be wonderful to assist some in this process.
I agree with a theme in the comments that if a lady is psychologically damaged (which is becoming the norm) from the porn revelation then counseling is a good idea, as you have said. Certain types of personalities simply can’t get past it alone. However, I have to disagree with you respectfully about the Setting Captives Free course.
There is a part in that course that says ask your husband what turns him on and what he finds sexy so that you can be that for him. “Ask him what type of clothes he’d like you to wear so you can please him.” I honestly can’t even… This is an innocent remark to a “normal” couple, but for goodness’ sake. And if the french maid outfit doesn’t work, what next?
While of course it’s true God is bigger… you cannot get healed from your husband’s porn addiction if he does not get healed from his porn addiction.
Period.
I disagree with what u said about not telling the church. I don’t think you should tell everyone its not their buisness. But for us our pastor is our councillor. I know we can tell him anything in confidence and that he will pray for us and give us good advice or find us someone trust worthy to speak to that can better handle what we are going through. That is what a church is supposed to be here for. Not only that I know my husband has a good acountability partner in him and an elder in the church. It has made our healing process easier.
PS – sorry if that was a rant. I guess I just wanted to say that your advice truly is great for those whose husbands are obviously repentant and willing to engage in spiritual tactics to fight this without heavy coercion or bribery. It’s hard when your husband seems repentant, but you have to strong arm him into any type of participation. In this case, I believe it becomes controlling and even more devastating because you begin carrying the weight of his addiction on yourself. Again, thank you Robi and Sheila for all you do in encouraging women.
Hi RN,
I know- there were parts in Setting Captives Free that I disagreed with, but overall it helped us a lot and taught my husband about the Holy Spirit for the first time! I do agree with you- it is almost impossible if the husband is not willing to change. God bless you!
I just went to find Setting Captives Free to see if I’d be in a better place to finish the course now that I’m in a different situation, but couldn’t find it? Do you know what’s happened to it?
Hi RN,
I don’t know what happened to the website. It looks like they changed the course to something basic? Maybe you could e-mail the mentor you had and ask if they stopped the program. I would be surprised because I know they’ve helped so many.
I am in those HUGE shoes. I’ve brought up his replacing me with pornography, and how hurtful it is to me and our relationship, but get silence. No admittance, no obvipus desire or effort to change. Nearly everytime I leave, he gets on porn. I’ve kept myself fit and kept up and offer flirtations, which he responds to… but when it comes time… it’s always something hurts or he stays up much later than me, or father time has taken over… and does not want sexual contact with me. It’s very trying on the self esteem, and sence of security within our relationship, which creates stress and anxiety, and it just continues to snowball. I try and ensure him I will not be judgemental and will be supportive in any way possible, but he has to want to work throught this, and while hell admit our intimacy issues lie with him and he needs to step up efforts, he will not admit to the porn, and has not made adjustments. Please, any helpful insight is much appreciated!
How lucky and ungrateful your husbanf is! I am a recovering addict. I lied and avoided the teuth for years. He isnt ready to change yet. He hasnt hit rock bottom yet. It may be time for you to firce the issue into the light. Perhaps confide in someone he respects. Someone who wont tell the whole town.
I think what helped me a lot when reading this, is when Sheila said that either marriages are ending over this, and the ones that are staying together are taking years to heal. Also, the guest writer says it’s been over three years since her husband confessed and she still doesn’t trust him entirely. Mine lied for 10 years and covered up, and it’s been over 4 years since he confessed. We are still not healed! But baby steps. Sometimes it’s 4 steps forward and two steps back. The porn stopped 3-4 years before confession so it has been 7-8 years since he looked at it. We have all safety measures in place. The other thing that helped me was reading that a guy in this position may never have been open to anyone before. That was certainly my husband. Loneliness in a broken home, mother and siblings gone, he turned to drugs and alcohol and porn. I need to keep reminding myself that being open is something that definitely isn’t natural for him.
I read something somewhere once regarding this addiction and it said ‘the damage is severe and takes years to reverse’. I keep thinking, why are we not healed yet?! But I feel a bit better knowing that this is something that is going to take time. I haven’t been the easiest person to tell the truth too, and quite a bit of lying has continued and that has prolonged the agony. I also read something that said ‘Is this a case of a bad person doing a bad thing?….or a good person doing a bad thing?’ That helped me feel more compassionate towards my husband because he most certainly is a good person! We also didn’t find counselling helpful at all. In fact it caused more confusion overall. What has been most helpful is websites such as this and doing our own reading and study on the topic. Thanks.
Hi,
I’m sorry to hear that you are experiencing the hurtful consequences of this sin. I agree with you that I learned so much from Sheila when I was so deeply hurting in my marriage. I felt so alone and sites like this were such a huge source of encouragement and help!
It’s so wonderful that you are seeking God and working through all the difficulties. I’m praying for you and praying that you’ll continue to see healing in your marriage. God bless you.
That’s wonderful! I absolutely believe what you said about how sometimes porn users have NEVER been open to anyone. Especially if porn starts early, then as they grow they learn to be secretive. When they’re stressed, they tend to turn to porn. And it’s just really scary. So it’s all a learning curve, and it is really, really difficult.
Unfortunately there is no magic formula to end the porn. I am very, very thankful to all those who have been down this road for posting what helped them through. There have been articles I have read that don’t pertain to my situation, and others that have been a gold mine, and still others that I take the little nuggets I find. There really is no reason to be hard on other people (I am speaking about some of the comments I have read). No situation is alike, and what one couple finds to work for them, may not help you. I think filters are a good idea, but they should not be the end all be all. The are a good measure to have in place for decency in general, and to help in the beginning stages of addressing the porn issue. However, if a man is NOT willing to work things out, he will find a way around any barrier you have. Trust me, I know. I’ve known about my husband’s porn problem during the first year of our marriage. Right now, children aside, if I could go back in time, I would tell myself to run, RUN as fast as you can. Now, granted, that is only because it’s been 20 years since I found out, and it’s been happening for most of those 20 years. Most recently with very big consequenses, like losing his job. He always tried to make some small change, for a little while, but there was never any true repentance. Ever.
Now, what has most recently worked (so far) for us, is the idea of boundaries, and him attending Celebrate Recovery. Again, I am only sharing this, in case it is someone else’s nugget. We did go through professional counseling, twice, but each time my husband deemed himself “all better”, which I knew was a bunch of balogne, but I couldn’t make him go. We’ve had a lot of counseling from the churches we have attended. Some of it was good, and some just really, really bad, making things worse. But the boundary I set has him living elsewhere right now. Most people freak out when they hear that, but it is THE ONLY thing that has got his attention. I REFUSE to live under the conditions I have been for the past 20 years and continue to suffer the consequenses from this sin (though I am still having to deal with them, because he has to pay rent, leaving less money available on our budget…as an example). I have finally ‘seen the light’ of what I call ‘the game’…the repeated behavioral pattern after I find out about the porn. It has been the same game for 20 years, I am very well versed as to how it goes. Now when he starts playing the game (and it isn’t something he does consiously, but he does it non the less), I stop him, and tell him, “nope, not going there…I’m not playing the game.”
As en example he was playing it last night. He was over at he house and he kept insisting I SEE the changes he has made. I mean, insisting! Nope, not playing that game I told him. The only changes I will see are the ones that are through his actions NOT through his mouth, and those actions taking place on a consistant basis for months at a time. We’ve only been with CR for 3 months, and he’s been out of the house for 2, and here he is trying to get me to hurry up the process. I had to, yet again, spell it all out for him. I’ve reminded him that it takes couples, who have just found out for the first time, 3 to 5 years to heal. I’ve been betrayed for 20 years, and he wants to ‘move on with life’ after 3 months? NOPE. Not playing the game, not playing the game.
And it WILL take a very long time at the rate I am able to go at. I’m here at home, with all of our children, 24/7. Due to sickness and an avalanche of household repairs needed I’ve had a total of 2 hours to myself in the last 2 and a half months. I was trying to get outside a bit each day to spend time with the Lord, so my kids couldn’t just hunt me down, so that I might have 15 minutes to read the Bible and pray. Unfortunately it has been raining for 2 weeks straight (a record for our state). And my husband says, well, you could have gone in the van. Yeah, that will work for now, but now when it gets cold (no heat in the van). I want to scream at him because he has hours upon hours to himself to read all he wants, and I have to try to find creative ways to get away…to the van? Really? I know he was trying to help, but it is just another consequence to his porn problem. Because him being here was NOT a possibility. The guy was literally raising his voice at me to SEE the changes he had made (all the while there was NOT ONE change, this was two weeks past finding out his last porn visit). He would not, he absolutely was refusing to take responsibility for his actions, putting everything on me….again (the whole, “what do *you* want me to do? What do *you* think should be my next step? game. I thought I was going to tear my hair out, as we’ve only had this conversation some 100 times over the past 20 years, and I always have the same things to say!!!).
Ok, clearly I’m still having issues!!!! Sorry for my long rant on my husband. What I was trying to get across is that sometimes you have to do what you have to do. If counseling works, that is great! If Bible time and prayer work, great! You may need all of the above. For us, the only thing that has gotten the ball rolling has been big time boundaries. If he crosses a boundary, I stop talking. He is out of the house until there are lasting changes, and he is continually moving in the right direction. He has filters, accountability partners, CR, aticles/books, church couseling (that is good this time), BUT all of this HAS come from him, I told him I was done telling him what to do, he had to man up and take responsibility, I was done being his mom, when I am supposed to be his wife, etc. Granted there may be some guys who won’t take responsibility, so this approach may not work, I’m just sharing what finally started to take our ship in a different direction.
Thank you for this article, and thank you for letting me share.
Blessings,
Kerri
Kerri, thanks for that great comment! I wholly support everything you’ve said, and I’ve also said that at times separation may be necessary. Absolutely. And Celebrate Recovery is SUCH a great program. I have seen it be the catalyst for some great character change in some of my close friends, too. I wish you all the best!
Kerri,
Thank you for posting your comments. I feel that I have reached a revolving door point. I’e been finding porn on my husband’s phone at least 3 years now. He minimizes it as if it’s nothing. We put a bandaid on it and move on. Last night I found more porn again. He apologized and told me that me and the kids mean the world to him. I threw up and went to a seperate bedroom for the night. I haven’t talked to him in 24 hours. I wish that I could enforce the separation. Unless I put my foot down, this ugly issue will never go away. I’m tired. I’m disgusted. I’m hurt. I’m embarrassed. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I absolutely HATE the way he lightly handles the situation every time I catch him. It’s stifling! How do I show him once and for all that this is painful and unacceptable? How do I show him how serious this is? It’s making me despise him. How has the separation been working for you? Any changes?
LadyLeo
What did I do if my husband refuses to see the porn as a problem? He says it’s my fault for being distant- I am the one who works and does most of the stuff for the kids. He has rejected me sexually regularly for our 16 year marriage. He has also had an emotional affair which left me devastated and depressed. I have very low self esteem. I think if I put an ultimatum on his porn use, he would resent me as he has already said that I am trying to control how he chooses to use his body. He would be happy if we never had sex again he said. I am heartbroken. I have grieved over this for years.
He does not share my faith and I don’t force him to hear my views, I try to walk with God’s light shining out, but I am finding it hard to keep going. God put us together but I don’t understand why it’s so hard.
Thanks for your posts. At least I feel less alone xxxxx
I left my first husband because of his porn addiction and 4 years of not having sex as a result. I met my second husband and he assured me when I got with him that he “wasn’t into porn”. I always knew some thing was wrong when he didn’t want sex, didn’t want me to touch him and wouldn’t ever orgasm when we did something. I asked him many times if he did porn and even told him I would watch it with him if that’s what it took, only to be lied to over and over again over the course of 6 years. I left him 3 times in 6 years and packed my things to leave at least 4 times a year to leave because of his abuse. I finally was able to catch him in the act about 8 months ago now. He has since promised to quit at least twice but broken those promises. I told him that he can say and promise whatever he wants but it’s all lies until there’s a change in our sex life. I told him actions don’t lie – words do. I’m still in the phase of deciding if I can live like this or want to live like this. I’m heartbroken for the same thing twice now with two different men.
I feel your pain rachelle. Just remember it’s not your fault. I am like you in that I am trying to decide what to do now. I love my husband but I feel that he is disrespecting my feelings by what he is doing. I might try to seek some couples counselling.
I hope you are ok – keep strong and remember that you are perfect in God’s eyes.
Xxxx
I really appreciate the support. I’ve been praying hard about this situation for awhile now. It’s horrible of him, but instead of wanting to save us, he brags to me how he’s able to masturbate to porn wherever he wants and whenever he wants with his phone. He also brags about how many times he cums with it and tells me he won’t with me. He knows that breaks my heart. He’s also abusive so this is that side of him coming out. I’m realizing that I don’t want to live like this anymore and want to know what it feels like to be truly loved. I truly feel that therapy/counseling would be of benefit to you and me. If not as a couple, even by ourselves. This is very painful and difficult to go through.
I will not ever claim to know more than someone who has been married for decades, but I can honestly say that for someone whose husband is truly a porn addict, this advice is dangerous. As a wife whose husband is addicted to porn, I can say that I have tried everything that this article recommends at one time or another, and come to realize that absolutely nothing I do can help manage my husband’s porn addiction. Although my husband desperately wants to change, and I desperately want to help him, it is entirely up to him to take the steps to recover. He has recently started going to Sexaholics Anonymous meetings and I have been attending the complement group, S-Anon, and they basically take a completely different approach to fighting sex addiction. I have learned that the only person I can change is myself. If I try to intervene at all, I become a nervous wreck and begin to feel responsible for his behavior, which is never healthy. Instead, I am working on becoming the best version of myself that I can be. My husband can choose to pick up the phone and call his mentor or a guy friend when he is tempted; he can choose to put blockers on his phone and avoid situations in which he is bored and home alone for an extended period of time (and any other triggers), but HE has to want it, and HE has to make his recovery happen. There is absolutely nothing I can do to help him; it is completely up to him and to God. It seems counterintuitive, but this hands-off approach that S-anon takes to dealing with a sexaholic spouse has the highest success rate of any other program, for helping both the addict become sober and the spouse recover his or her emotional and spiritual well-being. Once we realize that there is nothing we can do to help an addicted spouse, and decide to completely give it over to God, we can truly live in peace and freedom.
My husband told me about a year ago that he had a porn addiction that he had been struggling with for most of his life. We dealt with it, experienced healing, and I thought we had moved past it. Last night, he confessed again that for the past 8 months or so, he’d been struggling with watching it again.
What do I do? I had thought we’d passed this. Now, I feel betrayed and alone because he went back even after the first confession. How do I help him? And how do I learn to trust him again. This time seems like it hurts so much more.
Mary, I can imagine how awful that feels! But when someone has a big addiction, they can easily fall back into it. The fact that he confessed means that he doesn’t want to be stuck there. He really wants to deal with this. That puts you so much further ahead of most women who find this in their marriages. You need to process your hurt and betrayal, but you can be his ally in helping him heal. It’s been a year since he’s tried to deal with it, and it’s not working well. Maybe he needs to get an accountability group (like Celebrate Recovery), or get some counseling, or whatever. But I do think it’s a big plus that he’s trying and that he is being open. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt; only that this can be solved when you both go before God. It just may take some real time and some really intense counseling for your husband.
Thank you for this article. My husband just admitted to me a week ago that he’s had an ongoing porn addition for the past 6 years of our married life. The secrecy and details of what has been going on for our entire marriage shocked and hurt me deeply. He said he kept trying to stop watching porn on his own, but always went back to it. He also admitted, as time went on, he started thinking about other women inappropriately. It never turned physical, but the idea of that hurts.
He finally confessed to me and truly wants to change. I’m still juggling a million emotions right now, but we’re working on breaking through our communication barriers and are praying constantly. Though I hate the situation we’re in now, the honesty he’s showing now is refreshing. I’m just going to pray I can help him through this. It’s hard to do when trust is shattered.
Prayers for everyone else going through something similar.
I’m in the same place as Amber, two days ago my husband confessed to me that he has struggled with a porn addiction since before he even knew me (we have been married for 16 years and were dating for nearly 2 years before that). It completely blindsided me, I had no idea this had been going on but the more I have read in the last two days, the more I can see how it has affected our whole marriage.
I have been trying for years to build intimacy between us and he kept saying that he wanted that too but when push came to shove he never actually made any changes. We even went to counselling for a while about 10 years ago, I came out of it feeling like it had been a waste of time.
He told me that he confessed to our pastor a few weeks ago and that he felt the addiction had been broken. Whilst I firmly believe that God can break addictions I know that it is still going to be a long hard road to rebuild our marriage from the ground up. Definitely not looking forward to hearing the gory details of exactly what he has been in to but I know that complete transparency is necessary for us to move forward.
My question is how can he deal with his shame? He has stated several times that he is so ashamed of his behaviour but I don’t know what to suggest to deal with that. Also are there online support groups? We live in a regional area where a lot of services just aren’t available.
This morning I asked if he was serious about rebuilding our marriage and if he was prepared to do the hard work and he has said that he is. He’s currently sleeping in another room at my request (he did offer that option as well) but I have explained that it is so that I can have time and space to process my hurt and pain and so that we can build emotional intimacy before any physical intimacy occurs. Anyway, I’m trying very hard to act out of a place of grace rather than my hurt but it is very hard. There have been rivers of tears in the last two days and I’m sure there will be more to come as we try and work this out.
Erica, Will you still see this? I don’t know. I see our situations are similar. I just found in March that my (pretty good, yet emotionally disconnected) husband of 21 years has been a porn addict since before I married him. It’s been a couple of years for you. Did it work out? Every situation is different, but no matter what we do to help (porn addict therapist, CR, books, God), I still feel so lost.
Hello. My husband is addicted to porn.
I have confronted him on two separate occasions. The first time. He at first , was angry with me for spying. But when he realized how it made me feel. (The worst feeling ever). He felt ashameded and said he would quit. I took his word for it. Recently I stumbled on an open porn site on his chrome tab in his phone. I was gna search something real quick as my phine wasn’t handy. Well there it was…so I searched history and seen it was an absolute dominant activity in his phone. When I confronted him he was mad at me for looking up on him and said I just don’t understand. That it’s something that’s completely unrelated to our sex life and me. I could go into details on it but it’s not my point for this. My point is this….a year ago my husband and I joined a church. It was important for me to work on my relationship with God. I thought it was to him….but 6 months ago he proclaimed himself an athiest and quit church. Leaving g me with taking our two young children to church each Sunday and wed by myself. Makein it extremely hard on my Journey to being a better Christian. Then this happens. I see you talking about the husband praying a strengthening there relationship with God to help get over the addiction. What if he is an Athiest. I pray. I seek wisdom on this to help him. Is is a loving man and he wants our marriage to work. It’s complicated enuff that he has proclaimed himself an athiest. But throw in a little porn everyday. That strains me. I’m am so torn.
We have great respect for your blog site, and pray that you continue to lift up Christ and help individuals find the freedom that Christ died to give them! Meanwhile, something was mentioned here a wonderful course called “The Way of Purity” offered by the ministry called, “Setting Captives Free” – a ministry that met head-on the addiction to sins of pornography and other sexual immorality that is rampant in our culture. The article is still on your web site.
Sadly, Setting Captives Free closed its web site last October. However, I’m writing you, today, to let you know that there is still hope for men and women in bondage to sexual sin. A wonderful ministry called Libres en Cristo, which teaches from the scriptures with a Christ centered focus has just opened and English Website, http://www.freeinchrist.org that has the same powerful online bible course translated into English.
I hope that you will check this out, and if you desire, mention it in your publications or on your web site.
In His Love
Neill Morris – servant of the King
A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said,
“Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.”
Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man.
“I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” (Matt 8: 2-3)
And He said that to me.
As I sit here I am completely broken. I have however added to such damage and I just need advise. I do not behave like a Christian. I have failed in so many ways due to insecurity and self thought. I have 2 children. 1st daddy I was with throughout my high school up until I was 23. He abused alcohol and the environment wasn’t good for my daughter and so I left. He has never since then showed any interest in our daughter who is 15 now and not known but seen her dad on family gatherings as the daddy’s sister and I remained close. He is now a father of a second daughter. The 2nd Daddy of my son who is 2. I am not allowed to label him as a porn addict as its a insult and its my insecurities that make me feel so. He calls it “men are visual creatures”. All men love breasts and sex and its a normal thing for any man to masturbate or entertain himself secretly and hides it very well after numerous times of my findings. I was so desperate for affection and keeping my fiance (yes not married). That I even spiced things up by watching porn movies and sending naked woman to his phone as it made him so happy. It drained me. It hurt so much I couldn’t understand myself why I was doing it but still did it. Eventually I broke down and admitted that it was in my head he wanted those women naked. While having sex he was thinking of them or while watching porn that is what did it for him. I then felt I had to express such and it was a huge mistake. I found myself pushed away very quickly and our sexual intimacy just deteriorated more as the months to a year passed. We had our son before our I do and never made it down the isle. our son was chronically ill and that also deteriorated our love and affection communication friendship we used to have. I found naked women on his phone and even emails between he and a woman at work (we work for the same place). This caused much more jealousy and insecurity as she was younger more beautiful big breasted and I saw the attraction they had everytime I looked at them in the same room. He denied everything but deep down I know there was a spark. I found myself crying in silence, to sleep, I don’t have a circle of friends as my son demanded most of our attention and working normal hours everyday I just never had time to make friends or see friends I’ve known. Until a old friend contacted me. We had been friends even before 2nd Daddy and I met. We became close and well during this time my son’s daddy and I drifted more and more as I found more naked women on his phone. I eventually ended things but still lived with him as we were not both financially stable to move on our own paths. The friend and I started to go to church attend fundraising events and even followed me to a business trip on a flight to another city and asked me to marry him. At this point all i wanted was marriage. Someone who finally attends church and wants the same life as I do. Christian life. When I returned I was honest and admitted my relationship with this friend and I knew it hurt both of us but he was refusing the change after been together for almost 5 years. I then moved in with the friend moved my kids and my sons daddy also got his place. During the on going of 6 months the friend who was now my fiance did not want to go to pre marriage councilling and demanded a 6 month period and then marry. We went to church once since the move and when I demanded to know the truth to why we couldn’t do it the right way of councilling through the church. I was told we cannot live together if we are not married by him. I realised I was getting married for the wrong reasons. I then said okay I will then have to leave back to the are I originally was and would need time to settle and move my kids with me. This man then threatened me with a gun, tried to strangle me and even kicked me in my ribs. He turned into a different person 360deg. I realised I was marrying a complete stranger. I opened a case of assault and this man is now harassing me. I am staying with family and moving his weekend. I have made the biggest mistake of all and petrified for my children. I am a sinner as I have failed and Still very much in love with Sons daddy who wants nothing to do with me. I feel hopeless but still get up and try but everyday I feel I’m getting week Dr and that I deserve this for my bad decisions.Truth is ashamed of my life and how I have shifted my kids and selfishly gave up on everything because of my insecurities and jealousy. God forgive me! I have lost my road.
Finding this site has been a Godsend for me tonight. Ive been with my husband almost four years. We’ve been married 6 months. I’ve known about the porn addiction since early on but didn’t realize what a problem it was. He was “clean” for some time and things were great. Then BAM one month into marriage he “relapsed” and we were both totally crushed. Now it’s been an unspoken issue between us for the last few months until last night when were being intimate and his lack of erection was alarming and i simply asked, “have you masterbated recently?” and I was met with “yes. Just earlier today while you were out”. I knew instantly what that meant. Porn. Instantly I felt I had given my body, no, like my heart and soul and I most parts had been violated. Knowing I can set boundaries and express my lack of trust is so validating. But what do those boundaries in marriage look like?! And how can I invite my husband to be vulnerable emotionally with me when I’m putting up my own walls??
Hi Natalie! That’s so hard, and I’m so sorry!
I think that you need two things in place before you can really move towards vulnerability again. You need internet controls on your computers and devices (I like Covenant Eyes), and your husband needs an accountability partner who will ask him the hard questions. Then he can move towards real recovery. But you need those two things set up so that you can have confidence that he is fighting this. Once you have that assurance, you’ll find that intimacy is much easier again. But when you’re always doubting, it can be very, very difficult.
I’m unsure how to make this brief. I have been married for 7 years. I had no idea when I married my husband that he was a gambling, porn and lying addict. Needless to say, this has been going on for years. I always forgive him, and we try to move on, but the issues keep coming up because he continues to lie, look at porn, and gamble. He has an accountability partner from our church that he lies to, so that hasn’t worked. He refuses to fight for our marriage, and won’t be proactive in getting any kind of external, professional help. My heart has been broken so many times, that I know we are on the verge of a divorce and I do NOT want a divorce. I love my husband so much, but don’t feel that love in return. I am at a total loss because I’ve tried all the steps above and none of them have worked for us. I have given him chance after chance for it only to happen all over again. He puts on such an act, and everyone tells me how lucky I am to have him. If they only knew.
Joy, I’m so sorry. That’s just such a waste on his part–that he would spend his life like this, instead of doing things that would help him to hold on to the things that matter.
All I can say is that sometimes you have to let someone bear the consequences of their actions in order to see real change. That’s the way that God designed us–that we would reap what we sow. Maybe if your husband started realizing that he was truly destroying your relationship, then he would change. Setting up boundaries and even separating does not mean the marriage is over. Sometimes it’s the only way to fight for your marriage.
I once heard someone say that it is very dangerous to love your marriage more than God–as in you have to be willing to let the relationship go if what is happening now is not bringing glory to Him. That then gives God the freedom to work.
I’m not saying you should separate, of course; I don’t know your exact situation, and I don’t know what he’s like. But I would talk to a counsellor or mentor or friend about what appropriate consequences would be, because what he is doing isn’t just destroying your marriage; it’s destroying HIM. And so the loving thing to do would be to set things up so that he will choose to actually change.
God is #1 in my life and my husband comes second. My husband has always known this. I keep going back to when Jesus said to forgive 70 x 7. I believe I must be enabling my husband because I keep forgiving him time after time. I did make him move out once, but he was only gone 1 month and I let him come back. Last night, he did take the initiative to call a Christian counselor and set-up weekly meetings to start taking place after the holidays. And he’s going to an “Emotions” class that starts 1/15/18. Your prayers would be greatly coveted for God to break my husband so He can mold him and make him into the man I believe he can be. I just can’t give up on him, but I won’t lie…sometimes I’d like to sucker punch him. : ) After our talk last night, I think he finally understands that I have been pushed to my limit and this is his final chance to redeem himself. I keep telling him…Imagine the testimony you could share when you conquer this and how that will glorify God!!! Pray, pray, pray with me please!! Many thanks! Joy
Oh, Joy, that’s so good that he’s agreed to go! And I will pray–and I hope that you can get lots of prayer warriors around you. You’re right–this will be quite the testimony if your husband perseveres. This can be conquered–many on this blog already have. I pray that this will be your story, too.
Can you share the Bible verses that your husband prayed over?
Caught my husband peeping into my maid’s room while the whole house was sleeping. I confronted him and he opened up to me on his addiction to porn since his early teens. I had suspected this at some point but i felt he outgrew it. During my pregnancy last year, i was not interested in sex, as such, we barely had sex. This lured him further into porn and nudity and its been a battle.
I am trying so hard to forgive, i wish its something i can forget but its impossible. I went through your article and i believe God led me to your page on purpose.
I pray God heals and fix us. I am totally broken and hurt
I stumbled on this bible passage,
Psalm 119:37
Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word.
so i sent it to him as prayer point. I intend to do this everyday and pray together.
Me and my husband have been marries for 3 years. We have a boy thats 1 year and 3 months old. He keeps going on porn..i caught him out so many times then he cries and makes the biggest promises…then it happens again. About 3 months ago i caught him out again. He admitted to me to having a problem and admitted that hes been going on porn by his work table while working on a daily basis. We never have sex and ive cried and begged many times and i feel completely worthless and ugly. He promised to stop nd we go to church and read bible twice a day and pray against the lust. Last night i caught him out again 😢 but this time its even worse…he has been going onto easy sex hookup sites 😢😢 with woman asking them for pictures..how do i know he has not met up with another woman 😢😢😢😢 my heart is broken…how can i ever trust him? I dont work and have nowhere to go. I feel like ending my life im tired of living in this pain
Oh, Benita, I am so sorry! This is awful. But you simply cannot do this alone. You’ve caught him a number of times, and nothing changes. Why? Because he knows that you won’t leave, so he doesn’t have a reason to change. And it doesn’t sound like you’ve brought anyone else into the situation to help him stay accountable. I think you need to talk to a pastor, a mentor, a counsellor or someone who can hold him accountable and help you get through this. And then you likely need to be part of a good church family, so that if he doesn’t stop, you have some support to help you and your son. This is serious, and I think that if you treat it seriously now, and put firm boundaries in place, you can rescue your marriage. But if you don’t do anything except keep confronting him with no consequences, things will get a lot worse. So find a good church, get involved with people who can help, get a counsellor or a mentor, and make him get some accountability. It is serious. I’m sorry!
Hi! I feel so lost and I don’t know where to start. My husband has been addicted to porn especially gay porn for years. I have forgiven him numerous times but I just don’t know anymore. He is seeing a therapist, has limits on his internet access, he says he wants to change and that it’s hard, and says he loves me. But I don’t know what to believe between all the lies and secrets. Any help would be great. Thank you
Oh, Laura, that’s so difficult! And your husband may have sexual orientation issues or trauma issues as well. I hope that you are EACH seeing licensed counselors, individually and together, to walk you through this, because it’s so hard, and you really can’t do it alone.
This just sounds like a really thorny problem, and you need to get to the root of what makes the porn appealing (sexual orientation? trauma? first exposure to arousal?) and how to untangle that. It is difficult. I’m sorry.