Y’all know that I believe having lots of sex in marriage is a great thing.
(It just felt right to begin that sentence with y’all, even to this Canadian. 🙂 )
But that doesn’t mean that having sex is always the right thing to do. And it certainly doesn’t mean that having sex will fix all marriage problems.
I’m so excited that in just six days my new book, 9 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage, will start to appear on shelves! Yay! And for the last week or so we’ve been talking about what some of those thoughts are.
We talked about:
Thought #5: I’m not in competition with my husband! Submission isn’t about who gets to make all the decisions; it’s about servanthood. And sometimes the best way to serve your husband is to say, “no”!
Thought #3: My Husband Can’t Make Happy. Ultimately our happiness is our hands.
And today I want to talk about Thought #8: Making Love is not the same thing as Having Sex.
Here’s part of what I wrote in the book, talking about the advice that the church seems to be giving to “just have sex!”:
Book series have been written about the battles that men face with sexual temptation, and wives are told that they can help men defeat these temptations by having sex more often. Some pastors challenge couples to have sex every day (in some cases for a week, and in some cases, for a month) to reap the benefits in their marriage. (my 31 Days to Great Sex book isn’t sex-every-day-for-a-month; it’s let’s start talking–and THEN let’s rock each other’s world!)
I have sympathy with this “just do it” approach. On a spiritual level, every time you make love, you reaffirm your relationship and you feel more committed. And from a practical standpoint, libido in women is largely a use-it-or-lose-it phenomenon. When we make love more frequently, our bodies tend to respond more easily, and we’ll find that our libidos increase. When women make love less frequently, our bodies often shut down and our desire for sex diminishes.
Also, remember my story of “sex flowers”? My husband felt close to me after sex, and so he brought me flowers. That’s how God designed us. When we experience sexual release, we release the bonding hormone oxytocin, which helps us feel closer to each other. When we’re having sex with relative frequency, we tend to feel more positively toward each other, and we tend to find it easier to let go of small issues in the marriage.
These are all good things, yet simply having more sex will not make everything automatically better. Our religious “just do it” pat answer seems too much like a mirror image of our culture’s attitude toward sex: both ignore the fact that sex is more than genitalia. It isn’t a cure-all for every-thing, and too often it’s portrayed as such. That cheapens sex too.
Making love—experiencing genuine intimacy through sex—is truly beautiful. But too many couples haven’t experienced that because they’ve bought into this “sex is only about genitalia,” sometimes without even realizing it.
This “just have sex!” approach too often reinforces the idea that sex is mostly for men, anyway–and “obligation sex” is never sexy for women. Talking about the benefits of sex is a far healthier approach!
But the real issue, I think, is that we’ve forgotten that God created sex to unite us in three ways: physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
If we stress only the physical side of sex, we can actually harm the other two aspects of intimacy. And sometimes we can do great damage to the hearts of those involved.
I’m not saying that quickies are bad or that sex can never just be to “have fun”! Not at all. But when other factors are involved that are affecting our intimacy, using sex cheaply can drive us apart.
Here are three examples of when “just do it!” is the wrong approach:
1. Just Having Sex won’t cure sin–and can even reinforce it
If a husband (or a wife) is using pornography; if a husband is sexting other women (believe me, I get lots of emails about it); if a spouse wants to pursue something really deviant (like involving a third party or something), then having sex isn’t going to cure any of those things.
I’ve had so many commenters (mostly men) on this blog saying that if their wives would just have sex with them they wouldn’t use porn. And yes, having frequent sex can diminish the temptation for these things to a certain extent. But it won’t cure all temptation, and if the addiction gets to a certain point it won’t help the temptation at all. It will just reinforce it.
Here’s what I mean: porn trains the brain so that what is arousing is an image, rather than a person.
If a single guy has been using porn for years and then marries, the problem is that he’s trained his body to respond to porn, not to his wife. And it really doesn’t matter what his wife does, the pull to porn will still be there because the problem is not his wife. The problem is in his brain. It is possible to retrain your brain, but he has to get real about the problem, pray, and find someone to hold him accountable. (and he should be willing to use Covenant Eyes or something to give him accountability online. If he’s not, he doesn’t really want to get better).
Now, in some marriages, the porn problem only STARTS after sexual refusal, and in those cases, then, yes, having more sex may reduce the temptation. But if the porn use predates the marriage (which, for most new couples today, it usually does), then the situation is completely different.
Here’s another problem: If a guy (or a woman) uses porn to get aroused, and then wants sex, he’s using his spouse as an object. There’s nothing about real intimacy there. (The same would go for shows like Game of Thrones, by the way). And if he wants to act out something he’s seen, then again, sex is not about intimacy. If a woman gives in and allows her husband to treat her this way, she will be part of the train-your-brain-to-respond-to-porn chemical reaction that’s going on, because she’s reinforcing the fantasy and the use of porn to get aroused before sexual release.
If there’s major sin in the marriage, then the sin needs to be dealt with BEFORE you bring sex back. This doesn’t mean you never have sex until he’s cured of the porn; I can’t give blanket statements like that because I do think every relationship is different. But he must be trying to give up the porn; have an accountability partner; and working towards real intimacy. Yes, he will slip up occasionally, and be his ally when he does. But if he won’t get rid of the porn, having sex won’t help.
And the more women are told they should “Just have sex”, the more they will feel used, like objects. And that reinforces a very negative view of sex for her, and wrecks the ability for sex to be something that brings her closer to her husband, too.
2. Just Having Sex Can’t Rebuild Trust
Let’s leave the porn for a minute; here’s another scenario: one of you has had an affair, and you’re trying to rebuild your marriage.
In this case, “just have sex” can hurt your recovery.
Why?
Because having sex does reinforce an intimacy, and it does make you feel closer. That, in turn, can mask a problem.
This works to our advantage in healthy marriages; the more we have sex, the less little things that he does bother her, and vice versa.
But it can be harmful when trust is being rebuilt, because it can allow us to ignore big issues or to paper over things that really do need to be addressed. If something needs to be healed in your marriage, heal it, don’t rush the process by jumping into bed.
Again, this doesn’t apply to every problem. After all, make up sex is a real thing, and often making love helps us resolve conflict! But if it’s something huge, it shouldn’t be rushed, and that’s where counsellors should likely be involved.
3. When Sex Itself Hurts, Just Having Sex Can Damage Your Heart
I’ve written before about how when we first married I suffered from vaginismus, a condition where sex is extremely painful because you’re just too tight. (I share the whole story in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex).
I was so devastated and upset, because I knew how important sex was to my husband, and I didn’t want to feel like a failure. So instead of saying, “let’s just take things really slowly and figure out what’s going on”, I just bowled through despite the pain.
That was the wrong thing to do. It reinforced in my brain that sex was awful. It made me feel used (even though I was the one that told my husband we should). It made me start to get mad at God (why would He make something that hurt me so much be so necessary for Keith to feel loved?)
And I healed from the ordeal physically much quicker than I did emotionally.
Since then God’s given me the opportunity to speak into so many women’s lives who have been going through this, and they all share the same emotional scars: “why is something that hurts me so much so necessary in our marriage?”
In retrospect, both Keith and I know that if we had taken time to explore sexually without intercourse, and then worked on my issues, it would have been a healthier course of action.
But what if that’s not your problem? What if you suffer from chronic pain, or have other reasons that sex hurts?
We have to find ways to be sexual that are mutual–even when intercourse is painful. If we reinforce intercourse above all else, then we can kill the sexual confidence and libido of the person with pain, and we can really harm that spouse’s heart. I’ve got other posts on what to do when intercourse isn’t possible.
I’m not trying to tell people that they can get out of having sex.
Indeed, I have a series on what “do not deprive“, in 1 Corinthians 7, means.
But I do believe that we should be encouraging couples to make love, not just have sex.
We need to be encouraging an intimacy that builds up, not one that tears down. We need to be encouraging two people feeling like one, not one person feeling used. We need to be teaching mutuality, not selfishness.
If you’re in a marriage where you wonder if you fit one of these categories, I really encourage you to seek out a third party and get some help. Don’t walk through this alone, and don’t arbitrarily say, “we don’t have to have sex because I read it on a blog!” I’m saying–get some help. Seek some wise counsel. Pray.
And let’s see the beauty in making love again, rather than the starkness that just having sex can bring to a marriage. By stressing the physical over all else, we deny the beauty of what God created.
Great sex is wonderful. Most of this blog is dedicated to helping you all have great sex! But you can’t have great sex without intimacy, and sometimes you’ve got to deal with that first.
Maybe you aren’t dealing with any of these big problems, but you still don’t necessarily feel that intimacy when you have sex. You can’t quite figure out what “making love” means. Then 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage can help you see how the way you see sex can be holding you back–and open the door to a wonderful and abundant new marriage!
UPDATE: Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is now in stores! It looks at 9 misconceptions about marriage that we often hear in the church (just like “Just have sex!”), and then gives 9 different thoughts that are more biblical, and that will change your marriage for the better!
So get it today!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up a marriage post in today’s Wifey Wednesday link up party! But be sure to link back here so other people can see these great marriage posts.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I agree with all these points. But when none of them apply then why does women (and men) deny their spouse sex? Why do they refuse to touch their spouse? I will do anything for my wife. But I feel she would not do the same for me. This is not just a sex issue, the issue is why are people selfish and only care about themselves and why do people have a “if you do this for me then I do that for you” mentality. Why not pour out yourself onto your spouse, I do this every day for her. But I only get a “I love you” in return. You would think its enough. But unless words are accompanied by action then they are just words. I don’t demand sex every day, heck I don’t demand it at all. If it happens it happens. But even if we men try to deny it, lack of sex affects us. We get moody, we get grumpy and irritated, and fussed at if we are in a bad mood and why would women want us men to sin by making us “take care of our own business” and men why would you do this to your woman. Masturbation is a form of idolatry (not adultery) and it doesn’t benefit anyone not even yourself. So yes I agree with the points you are making.
Matt, that is a really hard problem and I’m afraid I don’t have an easy answer for you. I think you’ve already read it, but I did write a post for men in your situation to show their wives. I hope that helps.
Matt, im exactly in the same boat. Its very painful and can cause great distress. I only know that if I keep giving my best, then in the end I will be told, “well done good and faithful servant”. I hate thinking it may be like this the rest if my life (I have no intention of leaving him), but if it is, I pray I have the strength to endure. Im very sorry you are going through this too.
Matt, I agree with you 100%. Having been married over 30 years, I’ve felt the same from my wife too many times to count. For me, it comes down to one word: TRUST! My wife has never fully trusted me sexually. We went through counselling last year and things are getting better … but trust is still an issue. Her lack of trust in me creates a my lack of trust in her. I don’t dare say what I “REALLY” want for fear she’ll dismiss my feelings. It’s a tough situation.
Early in our marriage, I told Heather something like, “If you ever want ANYTHING sexually from me, I’ll do it. No matter what it is. I will absolutely do it!” She has never asked me for anything outside her comfort zone. I’m pretty safe. But she has never made the same vow to me. It’s understandable. I’m a bit more sexually adventurous. She knows I’ll ask for some freaky stuff. I still don’t understand the fear of the unknown, however. If she would simply say those words with sincerity, our trust issues could begin to mend.
Just a few days ago, I presented her with something and I think she’ll take me up on it. She’s been sick for the last several months and having sex makes her worse for a week or more. We’ve started some mutual masturbation that is really working to bring her around to sexual enjoyment more.
What I asked her was, when she’s over her illness, think of something that she knows I want sexually, no matter how kinky she may find it, then prepare for and present it to me. She didn’t say no.
The old adage that “Life begins where your comfort zone ends” works in the sexual side of marriage. Perhaps a challenge to your wife would help. Perhaps, like us, you may need some counselling to get past some issues. It was very helpful to us.
God bless.
Marriedheat, I’ve been thinking a lot about your comment, and why it sends up some red flags for me. I think the part that I find worrisome is where you talk about her not promising to do whatever you want sexually. To me, that sounds extremely disrespectful of her boundaries. I consider myself very adventurous sexually, but I would never promise my spouse to do anything that they asked. They can request something, and we can talk about it, but that sort of blanket consent would make me uncomfortable.
Christine, that is completely understandable. And that’s where our trust issues begin. There are things that I know my wife doesn’t want to do. We’ve discussed many things in length with honesty and openness.
So, if Heather ever made me the same promise, there are still things that I wouldn’t “demand” or “expect” because she makes that promise. I respect her, her wants, her needs, her likes, and her dislikes. I would like open lines of communication with trust and love.
I don’t know if this comes out correctly but the “promise” wouldn’t put her in a position of doing something she doesn’t want to do. It puts us both in a position of trusting each other, and respecting each other. We could discuss things neither of us are “trusting” enough to discuss at the moment.
My promise to her was my way of letting her know that I don’t consider anything behind our closed doors off limits. My promise was to open up a dialog, not to force her to accept whatever I want to do to her. It also comes from her being the “victim” of “I’m a good girl. I can’t do that” mentality.
So the promise is basically what you’re talking about. Request, discuss, and respect. Heather just tells me that certain things are off-limits and there’s no discussion.
My husband has been using porn ever since his teens. We’ve been married for eight years and we have four daughters.
He has been on and off porn and right now I really don’t know what to do as I have tried everything. He says he loves me but I wonder why he can’t stop.
This has affected our love life as he is not attracted to me. What should I do? I feel like leaving.
I don’t have an easy answer. I can speak for myself and tell you that porn fulfills a need in men to be wanted by a woman. Women in porn are ready to have dirty sex within seconds. They’re multi-orgasmic and wear sexy lingerie. Even though it’s happening on a screen, we men live our fantasy vicariously. Studies have shown that men watching porn focus on the woman’s face more than any other part of her. Why? We want to see ourselves giving our woman that same satisfaction.
I’ve suggested before that wives should be aware of how porn affects the male brain and then try to tap into that knowledge. We husbands don’t want the women of porn. Guess what? We know they’re out of our league. We want our wives. But, and this is important, WE WANT OUR WIVES TO WANT US! We want our wives to be our personal porn stars. If you want to focus your husband back on you, become his personal porn star. And make him a sandwich. 🙂
I can also tell you that you that most husbands who watch porn aren’t comparing you to the actresses. I married a very hot, tall, leggy, skinny babe. After over 30 years, her body ain’t what I married … but neither is mine. We’ve grown together (literally) and our tastes have evolved. I believe that’s God’s gift to us … that we remain attracted to the one we spend the most time with, no matter the shape, size, weight, or anything else. I know I find myself looking at older ladies with my wife’s body style and thinking, “HUBBA HUBBA!” My 25 year old self would slap me silly. But my 55 year old self is attracted to what my wife is today and I’m PROUD of it.
I’ve come to the conclusion that God made our bodies to be sexy amusement parks. He expects us to ride the rides. So, make God happy by making your hubby happy. I believe you’ll be happy with the results. God bless.
Any man who insists that his wife do something she doesnʻt want to do is being a beast. Any man who says porn is his way of imagining his wife giving him satisfaction , well perhaps trust here is not deserved.
This wife thinks that selfish need for satisfaction would be better served if you could consider the person that you married.
If you took my comment to mean what you wrote, you should read it again. I have never insisted that my wife do anything she doesn’t want to do … EVER! I respect my wife and her sexual choices. I’m more sexually adventurous and drive the direction of our sex life but, because I push the envelope, she has become a GREAT lover, as opposed to the “girl” I married who was so naive, she had no clue how to even have sex.
My porn comment only speaks to a man’s need to feel desired. Your comment, again, shows no comprehension of the words I wrote.
Lastly, I have no selfish need for satisfaction. Just last night, we were talking about our sex over 30 years. My wife is very grateful for the many, many, many MULTIPLE orgasms I have provided to her. In the early years of our marriage, most of our regular sexual activity was me going down on her for at least 2 orgasms, and then intercourse for at least one more before we had an orgasm together. Her satisfaction has ALWAYS been my top priority.
I have to say that I’ve done this before–had sex just to check it off my list. And I agree with you about how it can harm the marriage, not to mention the wife’s view of sex long-term. I really think we need to pay attention to our motives in this arena. My husband knows when I am basically doing it for him and not getting into it for myself as well. Great post, my friend, and always done with such care and precision.
Thanks, Beth!
I think the short version is that lots of sex is part of a healthy marriage, but that it can’t make a marriage healthy on it’s own and can actually give the other person a false perception of the relationship. So not “well, I just don’t want to have sex tonight” but rather “I feel gross when we have sex after you watch porn, and I don’t want to do that anymore.”
Well put!
Such great points here. Communication is key, and so much grace and understanding. My husband and I live this with my illness and the pain it brings. Being close and having intimacy in marriage is so important, not only physically, but emotionally and mentally. Find a way to communicate, but yes – don’t just be a box-checker or you will miss the beauty that God created with sex. Love this post.
So glad, Kim!
“And the more women are told they should “Just have sex”, the more they will feel used, like objects. And that reinforces a very negative view of sex for her, and wrecks the ability for sex to be something that brings her closer to her husband, too.”
Amen! Thank you so much for this…all the “just do it” advicemakes me feel so worthless and guilty. Some women struggle so much with past abuse issues and/or mental illness, we cant “just do it” because it will destroy us even more. In some cases you need a lot of prayer, patience and therapy (which takes a while, you are not healed overnight). This post has really helped me, thank you!
Sometime, “just have sex” is what is needed. Women need to remember that men show love through the act of sex. If we’re not having sex, we become frustrated, not necessarily because we’re not having sex, but because we can’t show our wife the proper affection. Men need this to be affectionate.
With my wife’s illness (hopefully temporary), I’ve been so frustrated. When we make love or have sex, I’m all over serving her needs for two or three days, giving her hugs, holding her hand, massages, etc. As the days wear on with no sex, I start to distance myself from her. I don’t do it on purpose. It’s a natural consequence of not being able to achieve a higher level of intimacy that, for men, come from the sexual act.
Be careful, ladies. Sometimes “just because” is exactly what your husband needs. Make sure you balance your wants with your husband’s needs. 🙂
Thanks for ur comment. I have a question.in an earlier post, I told how I need forgiveness from my husband because I cheated on him. Now the situation is:of course he doesn’t trust me and has flashbacks.he even believes I kept cheating ever since, the deed is done 4 years ago and he is fully aware since about 2 years. Now he cannot make love to me only when he is drunk.sex is rather cold.he would not touch or kiss me.but just do it.he sais he still finds me attractive but cannot do the lovemaking and he doesn’t want to go outside because he is still committed to me.I love him and wish we can be close again but when he dsnt drink and we have sex I feel like a prostitute and so i avoid him during the week. It is so sad and I wish I could do something. Please do u have any advice ?it doesn’t matter how hard it may be.thank you.
Dear Patricia,
It’s all about trust. Your husband may have forgiven you, but he doesn’t trust you. He will have sex with you, but without giving his heart to you. He is keeping his heart from further damage. His brain is still not ready to engage, that is why he won’t touch or kiss you. You have hurt him more than you can imagine. 2 years is a long time to keep an secret, in those 2 years he didn’t know about your betrayal he give you all his heart. Now he is going over what happened all those times.
He will need a lot of time heal and trust you again and it all depends on his past. How was he raised? What was he taught about marriage & women? What is his intimacy, love language, like? Does he trust you in other area’s, besides in bed?
Try to get to know him, ask him questions and communicate your emotions, thoughts and fears to him. Finally pray and ask our Father to heal your husband heart, because ultimately He is the only One who can help. I will be praying for your marriage.
As I wrote a response, I realized how long it was running, so to be fair to this comment thread, instead of taking a long space on here, I posted the question and my response on my page. I hope my advice is helpful. God bless you and your attempt to make the best of a bad situation. You can read it here:
http://www.marriedheat.com/unfaithful-trying-to-mend/
Thank u so much, will read asap and reply. God bless you.
Hello to you all, after having our last child,i started taking the pill.I feel like my libido is like zero and my husband has to work really hard to get me into the right mood.but for me to start coming up to him by myself…I am just tired and it seems like a job to me rather than a pleasure.I used to have a great sex drive but now it’s so different. I feel guilty when I fall asleep after putting the kids to bed(we have 4)and I don’t spend time with him. I love him very much and he’s the most attractive man to me but I just don’t feel IT anymore…anybody can give me advice ?
Patricia, that’s actually quite common when you’re on the Pill. For many women it decreases libido substantially. Can you use any other form of birth control? Sometimes we start blaming our relationship or wondering if we even love our husbands anymore, when it’s something that a simple switch in birth control could fix!
One thing that I’ve always enjoyed in sex is it can start out as “making love” and finish as “carnal, lusty, amazing sex” and it’s all under God’s plan of loving our spouse and being “One Flesh”.
I can identify with the third situation, as our marriage started out with jumping too fast into intercourse, causing pain for weeks until we used enough lube. I tried my best to enjoy, but I just couldn’t understand why it was like that. On top of that, I’ve always felt similar to how many people describe being on the Pill, never really being turned on, despite the fact that I’ve never taken birth control in my life (and I am otherwise healthy and have a healthy child). So I “just did it” for eight years and got nowhere. Still looking for answers. Hubby’s given up trying different things on me years ago. Even vibrators don’t work for me. Going to get my hormones tested again this month and hoping there’s something I can do.
Dear Sheila
Very good point that “a woman is not an object to use”. Casual (e.g. pre/extra-marital) sex can certainly effectively be masturbation using a human as a sex toy.
My wife & I haven’t had sex in years. The last period of having sex I has suggested we have “days off” to spend time in bed together. She would enjoy it at the time, but would complain bitterly for days afterward (nice but … backache … time wasted … afternoon in bed doesn’t suit her …). The more orgasms she had the worse the complaining was, and the one time I had an orgasm myself (:O the temerity!) the complaints were worse than ever. So that was the end of that 😀
Clearly “just having sex” did not fix whatever the problem was (neither did “just have quality time together”).
David
I’m really glad you addressed the pain issue again. It’s just what I need to read right now, since I’m still struggling with the vaginismus myself. I was really hoping and praying that childbirth would help, but based on the one time we’ve tried since, it looks like it’s just made it worse. It’s all I can do right now to not give up hope that sex with my husband will ever be even just OK, but it really does help to read that it’s possible to get over it.
I am dizzy with it all!
Men think sex is affection, but sex is sex. Women need affection to feel sexy. Men need to learn the program.
Just do it, no matter what does make women feel like ʻthingsʻ. If sex with a ʻthingʻ is more important than loving your wife, my advice is to move on.
Sally, you don’t have to believe what is written by anyone here. Do some research and you’ll find what most already know. Men show their affection through the sexual act. It’s scientific fact.
Last night, my wife and I were having some very open, serious discussions about how we were so hurt and didn’t feel love from each other for so many years. Her biggest issue over the years has been my showing (or lack of) affection doesn’t look like her “Prince Charming” childhood dreams. I was raised in a severely dysfunctional home. The word love was rarely used and when it was, there was either no sincerity or used as manipulation. So, I’m not a huggy, kissy guy and I still have a hard time simply saying, “I love you” and giving her hugs. I am MUCH better but ….
So last night I asked my wife, “If I didn’t really love you, do you thing I could have faked all the passion I expressed when we made love?” It took her a minute to think back and then she tearfully told me, “no”. Unfortunately, when making love was about the only time I ever showed her affection … but it was real and passionate.
Please try to read people’s comments with a more open mind and try to discontinue your judgy comments when you don’t have a full understanding of others’ experiences. Thank you.