News broke Wednesday that Josh Duggar had been using the Ashley Madison adultery site to cheat on his wife. Yesterday Josh confessed, taking full responsibility and apologizing.
I found myself so happy reading it. Sad at what that family is going through, yes. But happy because he is taking ownership, and that means that now, in the midst of this mess, even though it doesn’t look like it–that family is closer to peace and redemption and healing than they have been in years.
The mess is so much better than the picture of perfection, because the mess is honest.
On Fridays I usually do a weekly roundup, and I have a lot to talk about this week–my new book was released; I’ve got some hilarious videos of my daughters post-wisdom teeth surgery; and more. But this is important, and needs to be addressed.
How Does a Sexual Double Life Start?
Josh Duggar has been leading a sexual double life. He admitted to being addicted to porn; he admitted to infidelity; and we know that he admitted to molesting his sisters.
I wrote a while back that I believed that the Duggar parents had not handled that molestation well. I had a lot of pushback–“But they’re such a good family, and everyone was healed!”
In many families, though, especially those brought up with extremely conservative sexuality, true healing is swept under the rug in favour of looking like we have it all together. And that’s what I was afraid was going on.
Picture a 14-year-old in a hyper-conservative family. He’s experiencing sexual feelings. He doesn’t know what to do with them. He can’t talk to his parents. And he starts acting out.
He’s punished–but no one deals with the sexual feelings that started this. He’s told those feelings are “only for marriage”. And so he sees sexual feelings as sinful, because people haven’t helped him sort out the good from the bad.
But those sexual feelings are affected in another way: young people are told “sex when you’re married is beautiful,” but they’re also told that kissing is bad and hand holding is bad. And so touch, affection, exploration of any kind is seen as the enemy. This does not magically change once one is married. Passion–that feeling of being “out of control”–has been the enemy for so long that sex in marriage is seen as something which must be clinical to be sacred.
I am not saying that everyone who grows up like this experiences this–not at all!
But many do. Sexual passion is scary, and when we try to bury it, we can easily warp godly sexuality. Godly sexuality is not “controlled”.
But these young people get married, thinking that marriage will control the “lust”–those strong sexual feelings. But it doesn’t, because in their minds, sex in marriage must be entirely about love and never about want.
Where does the want go? It gets buried.
- In some marriages, a spouse becomes a control freak about everything, not just sex, because these feelings are so powerful they must be kept under wraps. That means working hard to silence your inner adventure-seeker, and it ends up silencing your true self.
- In other marriages, a spouse splits into two: one half is pure and chaste and unadventurous in the bedroom; the other half is looking at the most outrageous pornography or searching out something daring online.
Denying sexual feelings is very common. I get letters from young people who grew up in families like that, and now they’re married and they are LOST.
There is far too much emphasis in some schools of Christian thought on trying to control someone’s sexuality, as if it is a threat.
To give an example, there is absolutely nothing wrong with an adult deciding, “I am going to save my first kiss until marriage, and I am not going to have any physical contact until I am engaged.” God will ask different things of different people. To walk in obedience to what God is telling you is wonderful.
There is, however, a LOT wrong with a parent telling an adult child “this is what you are going to do.” That is a parent controlling an adult child’s sexuality, and it is wrong. It treats sexuality as an enemy, and it treats the adult child as a child.
We aren’t to control our sexuality; we’re to channel it. To channel it is to acknowledge it, to feel it, to name it, but then, at the same time, to say, “this isn’t for me to explore right now. So God, help me take all of this energy and put it somewhere else, to good use.”
Being a PeaceKEEPER Rather Than a PeaceMAKER
And now I want to get to the heart of my message.
Thought #6 in my new book that launched this week, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, is asking us to be peacemakers, not peacekeepers.
What’s the difference? A peacekeeper’s job is to keep the warring factions on their own side of the line. It’s to keep hostilities under wraps–simmering, but not erupting. A peacekeeper doesn’t deal with the root issues; a peacekeeper only deals with the expression of those issues, the fighting. A peacekeeper doesn’t solve anything.
A peacemaker, on the other hand, tries to bring the two sides together so that instead of being on opposing sides of the line, they can join each other on the same side. Instead of shaking fists they embrace. They become as one.
And Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.”
I believe the Christian church spends far too much time keeping peace, and not enough time making it.
The Christian church spends far too much time keeping peace, and not enough time making it. Click To TweetPeacemaking Parents & Children’s Sexuality
Josh Duggar, and so many of my readers’ husbands, led a double life. He had two halves of himself that were at war with each other. I believe that Josh was likely heartbroken, mortified, and horribly ashamed not just when the news broke but for years. He likely hated himself and what he was doing. But he couldn’t stop.
We don’t want that for our kids.
As parents, we can be peacemakers hopefully by preventing the sexual splitting. We can call out what is holy and help our children name, admit, and deal with what is not. When a child cannot talk about struggles, a parent is being a peacekeeper. A peacekeeping parent says:
- Good girls don’t touch themselves there.
- God doesn’t want you thinking about sex. That’s only for marriage.
- If you love God, He’ll take away your temptations and struggles. Just lean on Him more.
- We don’t do that sort of thing in our family.
A peacemaker has open conversations.
Peacemaking and Sexuality in Marriage
But now let’s turn to what so many of you are facing: what do you do when you’re married to a Josh (and even overnight, I had three more comments on older posts from people in just that situation. “I just found porn on my husband’s computer…”)
Dear, dear heartbroken woman: how I wish I could give you a hug.
But please listen to me. Please hear me today.
If your husband has admitted to cheating, to using porn, to texting with someone: you are closer to healing right now than you were two weeks ago when you thought everything was fine.
You are closer to God right now, in this mess, than you were when everything looked perfect.
God is in the mess, because Jesus is in the peacemaking business.
So many of the comments I get are like this: “I discovered this by accident. Do I confront my husband or do I let it go?”
Luke 8:17 says:
For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.
Does that sound like a God who prefers things to look perfect, while sin festers underneath? Or does that sound like a God who is fully prepared to deal with the mess, because mess is better than dishonesty?
When your life blows up, don’t fall back on these typical “peacekeeping” reactions:
We just need to get past this and forgive.
You cannot forgive until you shine a light on the hurts and understand the gravity of what you have suffered. A rush to tell someone to forgive, or to take them through a forgiveness process, doesn’t do the hard but necessary work of the Spirit. And indeed, this was my main criticism of the original Duggar scandal; they made the girls forgive and they forgave Josh too early. The focus was on the forgiveness, and not on naming the hurt.
Let’s keep this just between us. Other people don’t need to know.
True repentance is humble. It does not worry about reputation; it worries about whether or not one is right with Jesus. True repentance asks for accountability. One does not have to confess to EVERYONE, but one does have to confess to a few people–and also give the wounded spouse someone to talk to.
Let’s just get back to normal.
You can’t go backwards. But even more importantly: you don’t want to go backwards. As comfortable as it felt, it was built on sand. Your “normal” won’t be your normal again. But that doesn’t mean that your normal won’t be something better. Let Jesus in to the healing process. You may find life messier. It will be more honest, which may initially cause more conflict. But in the end you will find that you are finally at peace, because you don’t have to hide those scary thoughts or suspicions.
And so, dear readers, I am glad Josh is in his mess.
I am sorry that Anna is. But they are now finally on the road to real peace. And for all of you who are walking in similar stories–peace is there, in the person of Jesus who so wants to redeem the two halves of your husband, and the two halves of your marriage, and make them one again. He can do it, if you both allow true honesty and true humility. That’s how we make peace. And you are never, ever alone as you seek it.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This is a terrible situation for everyone involved. It appears Josh has a lasting problem with sexual self-control that wasn’t cured as a teen. I wonder if perhaps he might have done better if his parents hadn’t covered it up and excused it when he was a boy. Parents have to take sin and lack of self-control very seriously and cannot assume that all is forgiven and fine just because some tears are shed and some apologies are given. They have to implement accountability and teach their children to seek accountability, not just to personally repent.
Sexual sins and many others produce not just individual sins, but patterns of behavior and thought that will follow people throughout life. This is especially true when the sin starts young.
I think a lot of people make the mistake of thinking that just because someone is repentant and asks forgiveness, that somehow they will never do it again. But repentance, even when it is real, doesn’t take away the temptation or give instant ability to say no. Self-control has to be built and accountability has to be sought. When you have a serious besetting sin (as they used to be called), you have to implement drastic measures to act as checks on your behavior. That’s just wisdom. That’s showing you’re serious about not wanting to do it again. If you pretend it’s all good now that you’ve repented, without taking measures to guard against the sin in the future, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
I suspect that was the case with Josh. His parents taught him that as long as he repented, he would be just fine. But while repentance restored his relationship with God, it didn’t take away the temptation. His sin still had consequences in his thought life and his desires. And the fact that he wasn’t guarding against these – because he thought it was all fine and there was no danger – he fell.
I believe that healing can come from this, but there has got to be some accountability. They cannot rely solely on Josh being sorry and repentant, even if it is real. The better part of self-control is keeping yourself away from tempting situations and asking someone to look over your shoulder and keep you accountable.
Lindsay Harold recently posted…The Backwards Thinking of Reverse Injustice
Great thoughts, Lindsay! I totally agree–accountability is so key.
Totally agree that it’s harmful for a parent to tell their child that this is what they are going to do when it comes to their sexuality. I remember seeing an article once where a mom had seen her son touch his penis in the bathtub and she immediately told him that God made those feelings for marriage. Good grief. We are talking about a small child here! I highly doubt lust was his motivation. Surely there would be a better way to deal with that without making the child feel that curiosity is of the devil.
My husband and I were talking about dating rules for our kids and we came to the conclusion that while we will certainly have some common sense ground rules, ultimately our kids’ behaviour when nobody is watching will be their decision. Hopefully we will have prepared them well by the time we get to that point!
That’s what we did, too, Leanne. We recommended some things, but said, “at 16, you decide.” And they’ve both chosen well. But we have to let them deal with their feelings rather than trying to control them for them.
I sincerely hope you’re right, but I fear you are too hasty in your response. I fear that this is just the beginning. Already the statement made by Josh was retracted in part. That does not reassure me that his response is a result of anything other than being caught out. I fear there is more to come… only time will tell. One thing I know… my heart breaks for Anna. If his repentance is genuine, and only time will really tell, he will get the help he desperately needs, and he will allow her the time and the option to do what she needs to do in this situation. It will take a very long time to rebuild this marriage if it is to be rebuilt. Not every relationship can be saved and I hope that God makes clear the right path regardless of what others think. And I am grateful every aspect of my life is not put under such public scrutiny because none of us are without fault. A tragic situation all round. None of us deserve to be on a pedestal, only the perfect Son of God.
Really? Oh, dear. I hadn’t heard that anything had been retracted.
I do feel badly for Anna. So badly. But when I heard the news originally, my first thought was, “how do we know someone didn’t just use his name?” The fact that he didn’t try to cover it up and came forward immediately I thought spoke really well of him. I’m sorry if he’s retracted. His statement seemed genuine and hit all the right notes to me.
There are three different versions. The first one was the most honest, heartbreaking thing I’ve seen come from them. Then it was taken down. The parents put one up and then they took that one down. I think that probably an attorney or PR person said it wasn’t wise.
The first statement can be used against him in a lawsuit. Unfortunately, many people have copies of that statement. Personally I feel the family is incredibly naive about social media.
I, too, fear this is only part of the story. Now, a famous porn star has come out saying he bought her for two nights of rough, “terrifying” sex for $1500 after spending $600 on lap dances at the strip club where she performed.
Hopefully, this is a lie, but she allegedly passed a lie detector test.
I’m in agreement with Mairi’s comment. I wasn’t aware of the retractions either, but only time will tell the full collateral damage he has caused.
Please consider why the apology “hit all the right notes”. It’s becoming more apparent that the Duggar family has much practice in outwardly hitting all the right notes, while not truly dealing with the heart. This is only for God to decide, and because of that, I really wish people would not make such hasty judgements about his motives. Only he and God know the truth.
Your article gives much food for thought, and I’m sure I’ll be reading it again, sharing, and adding more comments.
Great article! I really needed to understand the difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking. I have been struggling with this for so long, but could not identify exactly what it was. In my effort to keep peace in my marriage, I end up being a peacekeeper and not a peacemaker because the real issue is never actually dealt with. I just decide to let to go and that being righteous is more important than being right…..but eventually this leaves me feeling used, taken advantage of, taken for granted and resentful. Then I get upset with God which puts distance in my relationship with God which makes everything worse! I am sure this concept of peacemaking versus peacekeeping will have to gradually take root, but at least now it has been identified and I can change for the better how I deal with issues in many areas of my life. Thanks so much for identifying this critical distinction.
Tracey
Oh, I’m so glad it was helpful to you, Tracey! That’s wonderful. I pray that God will help you figure out how it works practically in your marriage, too.
One question:why would you give the name of the site Josh used in your fantastic article? Some women might want to share this article with their spouse who is living a double life but can’t bc it will give them a new site to look at. Just a thought
I understand your concern, Jeanna, and it certainly isn’t my intention to help people cheat.
At the same time, the whole scandal has been front page news for several weeks (the scandal of the hacking, that is; Josh has only been a scandal for two days). If a guy were looking, there’s no way he could avoid it.
But even more, I think it’s important that we name things and say, “these are not OKAY!” The problem with Ashley Madison is that it sounds innocuous. If we say loudly, “anyone who goes near this is in trouble!”, then maybe people will be less likely to go on it. If someone wants to find bad stuff on the internet, they’re going to. That’s just the sad reality.
I’m also guessing that a site that has just been hacked and caused its users to be found out is not exactly going to be the first choice of someone who is looking into doing something similar.
So WHAT do you do when you’re in the middle stage. We’re dating. We can’t have sex. We have all of these feelings and passion for each other etc etc etc… what DO WE DO WITH THEM!?!??????? Please help!!!
I need to answer this one but I’m on the road! I’ve got posts I can point you to but not when I’m driving. I’ll come back to this later and point you to some resources.
They make good training for marriage. For when you are stuck in a trailer with three teens…or you have babies screaming at you…or…a myriad of other things that can happen.
The passions and feelings are good. Don’t stifle them…don’t act them out and have sex either. I stifled them and spent 20 years miserable. We had sex a few times before marriage and I felt guilty. I grew up with a patriarchal, purity viewpoint of sex. ALL these things make a relationship ripe for sexual sin. God redeems. And 21 years later I have a marriage that has passion again, finally
So glad you are asking the question! Can’t wait to see Sheila’s response. 🙂
Also looking forward to Sheila’s advice; in the meantime you can read her friend J’s: http://hotholyhumorous.com/2015/08/qa-with-j-what-to-do-with-sexual-desire-before-marriage/
As Taunya said, how you deal with sexual desire while dating has ripple effects later. Not only because sickness, travel, etc., mean sex isn’t an option, but because of how much you will be able to trust your spouse to face sexual temptation outside your marriage. The fight for purity doesn’t end with your wedding night. And it’s worth it! Hang in there.
Thanks for sharing that! I’m sure Sheila has some great resources as well that she can share soon. Hang in there, Candice! Yep, it’s tough but doable.
J. Parker recently posted…Q&A with J: What about Cheating Wives?
How DO we train our children then? I would LOVE for you to provide some practical ways to make these conversations open and to not set our kids up for hardship or failure.
I’d like to hear more about this, too. The family I was raised in was pretty open about sex, but now that I have a daughter of my own I worry about how to give her the right perspective on sexuality without resorting to “good girls don’t” and all the other tired canards.
I want to know this too! My daughter is small yet, but I don’t know how to talk about sexuality, and where to validate curiousity versus controlling our urges.
I did not grow up in a peace keeping family; but probably more closer to a peacemaking family but not in the ideal that’s presented here. We were Christians but we did not have this American way of doing things where we became hyper focused on sexuality and modesty, etc. We tried to look at the big picture. The one thing I learned from my family is there is nothing wrong with how you feel and its good to talk it out. Its good to know yourself before you’re in way too deep – but even then it’s good to be able to put the brakes, talk to someone, deal with things and move on. I dont live with my head in the sand, but the fixation with porn is mind boggling.
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Wow I really appreciate all that you said. I too am living this nightmare. My hubby has a porn and binge drinking addiction plus I found emails overthe last four years of him sending and receiving naked pics from random girls he found on his secret dating profile. We have been married 8 years. He’s said he’s sorry for the things I’vefounded but he’s not promising anything but he will do his best to quit. He was also frustrated that I kept going to counseling to bettery myself. I say all of this to say I’m still waiting for him to take responsibility for what he did. I know we can’t have true healing without it. Plus I am in a situation where my hubby has decided that he no longer believes in God. I don’t know how this is going to work without the grace of God.
When i read your comment, i was just thinking ‘ wow he said he is sorry for the things YOU FOUND’ he is not repenting for what he did. He is sorry that he got caught. If he says he doesn’t believe anymore you can only pray for his salvation and true repentance. If you love him and are willing to stay with him, you still need to put some boundaries up to protect your heart. But i think it is save to say that in your situation it is biblically Ok to leave him, if you choose to.
I’m curious as to what Christian parents DO tell their children about masturbation. I grew up in a very strict Christian household, but sexual topics were complete taboo. I think my mother assumed that, since we were girls, we just didn’t even think about sexual things, but she was wrong! I grew up like I imagine Josh did, having many, many questions, but no outlet. I fell into sexual temptations and sin at an early age and it affected my life thereafter. I’m not a parent yet, but I am curious. What DO you tell your children?
Josh Duggar needs way more help than just this acknowledgment!
Great thoughts! I was hoping that you would write an article on the latest Josh Duggar scandal. I have been praying fervently for his entire family and him as well, but especially his poor wife. I like how you said “Your normal won’t be your normal again”. It’s so true! After I discovered some things last year on my husband’s phone, we had to start over. It made for a refreshing honesty in our marriage that I don’t think we had before then! Thankfully it was just a relapse, and he has been free from addiction for years now. 😀 The whole situation taught me also to not put my hope in my husband, but rather fully in the Lord, trusting that He has my heart even when my husband breaks it!
I do feel that Josh’s parents are responsible for not dealing with this poor man’s struggles appropriately when he was a teenager. The issue was sugar coated and glazed over, and unfortunately brought into his marriage which makes me so heartbroken for Anna. I can only imagine how awful Josh feels now, and I’m praying that now that all this has come to light, that he will be willing to take action and mend the hurt he has caused. I’m also praying that he will be brought to a place of dealing with the root issue-not just glossing over things and thinking that all will be well. The one thing he will need to do is get accountability!!
Also, I do appreciate how you said that sexuality is not something to be controlled or ashamed of. I am raising two very young boys, and I’ve been mentally preparing myself for talking to them candidly about sex. I don’t want to give them a warped view on sex to take into their future marriage. I don’t want to heap on shame or guilt for being exactly as God made them to be, but I do want to give them a healthy perspective about how amazing sex is-when it’s the right time (marriage!) I would love for them to experience sex in their marriages that is innocent and free of baggage-and I intend to try to do my very best to steer them the right direction! Thankfully, I have a few years to really pray about the right things to say! 🙂
“Splitting off” of sexual feelings only causes them to return, likely in corrupted form. I compare this to the way sex shops always pop up on the edge of small and medium-size towns. The people have tried to exclude healthy sexuality from their daily lives, but the urges remain. Eventually they show up as mutations, accompanied by shame and secrecy. Just like the sex shops, the fetishes and immoral pursuits stand ready to destroy relationships.
The safer, more realistic approach (as Sheila suggests) is to recognize healthy sexuality as a gift from God, and to integrate it into one’s life. Sexual energy is undeniable, and that’s something many anti-porn activists are recognizing. The solution is to find another outlet. For young men especially, it means getting out of the house and taking up physical activity.
For further reading on this, I suggest two of my favorite sources, Dr. Alexander Lowen and Alice Miller.
Sheila, thank you for taking on this timely topic with a levelheaded analysis.
(On a related note, I wonder how many in the media realize they are doing half the devil’s job? He is, after all, tempter and accuser.)
Michael Rittenhouse recently posted…Sex Ed at Home?
My husband has led a double life…He’s had an affair,was involved in porn,cyber sex…He’s been free of it the last 2 yrs!!Im so thankful for the counseling we done and thankful to God for changing our lives!!With God all things are possible Without Him I would’ve never made it through all the hard times!I loved the article…Thanks for sharing!
Peacekeeping vs. Peacemaking. That’s good stuff. I’ve always struggled with the idea of “just keeping the peace”. Noting really gets solved. There are still hurt feelings and anger and depression and a million other things in there, and they are going to come out. One way or another. They will find their way to the surface.
I’m very sorry to see anyone go through what Josh Duggar and his wife are facing. My hope for them is that they are able to get the help they need and repair their marriage and their individual selves. I’ve seen couples recover. I’ve also seen them divorce. Every story is unique and Josh and Anna’s is still being told. I pray this will be the catalyst that changes things for the better in their marriage and in their community of faith. No more sweeping under the rug.
Hi Sheila, thank you for this fabulous post. My first thought when I heard about Josh Duggar molesting his sisters (one as young as 5 years old) was “Who molested him when he was little?” While we all can commit any sin, 14 year-olds typically touch other 14 year-olds or at least people of similar ages. Typically there is making out in a closet, suck-and-blow at pizza parties, etc. Where there is a will there’s a way and so on, even in sexually conservative homes. Molesting his sisters is a violent act. Molesting a sister WAY younger than him makes me think the sin goes back farther in this family and is endemic, rooted in abuse. It’s easy for Christians to say “It’s a sin, let’s pray about it and practice self-control.” But this is not just a case of a man taking normal sexual urges and wanting to fulfill those with women besides his wife. Josh chose weaker, younger children—barely school-age—and hurt tThis makes me feel sorry for Josh Duggar more than anyone else in this situation, because I don’t think that teenagers are naturally aggressive, predatory pedophiles unless they are taught this behavior. I’m praying that the Duggars (and families struggling with similar issues) will deal with the source of the problem rather than the symptoms. Under the mess there is probably more mess.
YES! You’ve hit the nail on the head!
Those were my exact thoughts, too—molesting young children while he was well into his teen years (14 & 15) speaks of a much, much deeper problem. Most likely it stemmed from abuse that he suffered from as a youth/child himself. When anyone tries to cover up such horror, and think that they are above authority (speaking of the parents here), I can only imagine how much more abuse has been going on within the home(s).
Not only did he molest his sisters & friend, he cheated on his wife (who knows how many times?), he also impersonated a popular DJ on another dating web site (which is defamation/lying/cheating). Who knows what else will be unearthed soon? His wife deserves to find healing, protection, and to move on with her life. Not to mention, it’s her responsibility now to get those kids away from him and to a safe place. The fact that Christians are ignoring this, and STILL trying to take up for him just shows how depraved of a society we have become.
There’s a point when saving a marriage is no longer in the books when there is such rampant sexual & mental illness within the home.
All I’ve been able to think about is his wife. Was her first kiss on her wedding day? And she’s been pregnant with or nursing his children pretty much every minute since then, right? And for it all to be so public. I’m just heart sick for her.
As far as what to teach our children. .. it’s so hard to know the right thing! I have a preteen and 3 younger kids. If we don’t say the things you said not to say, what DO we say? I think finding a perfect balance between open and reasonable and also chaste and pure feels like new impossible target to , etc right this minute.
Megan recently posted…The Mom Quilt for Mercy House
Sheila, I’d love it if you could share some more on how to help teens chanel that sexual energy. My kids are still young, but they’ll be teens in the blink of an eye.
Unfortunately my husband and I come from the two different extremes on this (he started having sex at 14, while I suppressed all feelings and now struggle relaxing in the marriage bed – even over a decade later). We know there is a healthy God given way we’d like to teach the kids, but are at a bit of a loss.
Thanks!
Sheila may have additional resources, but one I wanted to share was this page from the Your Brain on Porn website:
http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change
Michael Rittenhouse recently posted…Sex Ed at Home?
Hi i think one thing my parents did right was to be honest to us about their mistakes and what they had caused in their marriage. The had sex before the wedding and the result was guilt and feeling robbed of the best later because they had taken the good to early. The second thing was that they had tried to use porn together early in their marriage which did a lot of damage. They told us clearly that this was a disturbed view of sex and didn’t give or add anything to the beautiful thing God created sex to be. It only destroyed it.also they said, those pictures you looked at may stay with you forever and devil will pull them back out in the most unpleasant moment. I never had any temptation to use porn. And very early on in my teens I decided to wait until i get married to have sex. I understood that the lasting beauty of what God created far outweighs the temporary quick pleasure or as teen also the status of being cool because having done it. And with most teens i talked to as working in youth group this is what i found, most know that they should wait with sex until they get married but they don’t know why. They have no idea or sense that this is God’s design to enjoy the awesome thing sex is within a boundary that protects their heart. They feel that God is an old men who condems sex and wants to control their life, not a loving creator who wants them to enjoy the fullness of His blessings. We as a culture worship sex, but the chirch is afraid of it. Both sides are disturbed and we need to start to get real. We need to acknowledge the beauty of sex and that God wants us to enjoy it, but we also need to address what the devil has done with sex that is destructive. We can do that by being honest about how me made bad choices and how that affected us, just like my parents did. And by telling the story of how our own marriage got healed and how we now understand that God made this so beautiful and we wish for our kids that they’ll never choose to do the stupid stuff because we know how much harm and pain they’ll bring to themselves.
Thanks, Sheila, for taking on the tough topics and conversations. As many have said, I feel so bad for Anna and am praying for her. I pray that she will eventually be able to find her own thoughts and “voice” on this terrible situation, as opposed to the thoughts that the Duggars and others will undoubtedly want her to have and the actions they will want her to take. She is in a very tough predicament. I hope and pray that she will find comfort and direction from the God of the Bible, not the “god” of a Christian sub-culture that strangles people with rules and diminishes the value and worth of women.
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Thank you Sheila,
I don’t read every post you blog, but the ones I have read have really spoken to me and have touched something deep in me. Thank you again for being a raw, real-life and open writer. Thank you for standing in the middle of a messy world and sharing the love of Jesus and the truth of who we are to be in him. I am amazed each time I “stumble” upon one of your posts to see that it was exactly what I needed to read that particular moment. So thank you for sharing your wisdom and insight.
Leia
This article really got me thinking, so thank you. My big question is how? How do we be more open not only with our kids, but with our spouses? I live in an area where Christianity is huge but so is adultery and pornography. I feel like there are a lot of people like Josh that are living double lives. How do we be more open about this and talk about things before it gets worse? Would it have helped if Josh would have just admitted weakness and sought help earleir?? yes! Why are we so afraid of letting our weaknesses show? I’m just feeling confused on how to strengthen each other inarrive and in life if we can’t be open and honest about our weaknesses, but I don’t even know how to be open and honest about them because it’s scary to hear and scary to say.
michelle,.i think you already answered your own question…. how can you strengthen each other without sharing about the weaknesses?and as you said it is scary. it’s like a surgery, it hurts to open up and face the mess and clean the wound. but if you just patch it up, it might look good from the outside, but it’s rotten on the inside. we have to let jesus into the ugly places, He is the one who can clean it up. If we understand that this will bring true freedom and healing, we can do it. but we fear condemnation, because we are still hiding in the darkness.
I think America is so much about image and appearance, that truth and virtue took a back seat. but lately God is turning over some stones and the truth about the sin underneath is pulled out in the open. just think about all the scandals, the abortion videos (the truth of the ugliness of abortion come out), bill cosby drugging and abusing women (the symbol of the happy successful loving black american father found to be a hypocrite at its worst), and the duggar scandals (the perfect christian family is not perfect after all) and while all that goes on the homosexuals getting their rights pushed through.
It seems to me that God is shaking up the nation, but it’s like He is saying “turn to me, you can’t defeat sin, but I already have. you can’t heal what is broken by hiding it and behaving like all is ok. bring it to the light, and I’ll clean up your mess!”
“if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.”
1.John 1:8-10
I can relate to Anna. I just found out this week that my husband / now soon to be ex husband who has accused me of cheating for the last 2 years when I haven’t ever!!! Well he has been leading a double life in he past year alone there has been 75 or more girls he found on craigslists that he has slept with and that is just the past year and it’s been going on longer than that!! Yet he says he has never done anything he doesn’t know I found all the emails and pictures and my son who is 5 just told me about all of daddy’s friends that were coming over that I never knew about!!! Now I have to confront him with all of this but yet I know confronting will never make the feeling of betrayal go away!!! Especially after my husband was a friend before marriage and was there to talk to and confide in when my marriage to my first husband ended from him cheating on me with my best friend?
I held onto this post and waited to read it until I’d finished writing one that involved Duggar and Ashley Madison. I’m glad I made sure to come back and see what you had to say. It’s so true that things may seem worse after the light comes on and the truth is revealed. Yet that’s a far better place to be than when wrong deeds are hidden in the dark. (I think of Ephesians 5:8-11 here.)
Excellent points! And I pray we can raise our children to stay in the light and know their sexual feelings aren’t bad, but they can make the right choices that honor God before and after marriage. Thanks, Sheila.
J. Parker recently posted…Q&A with J: What about Cheating Wives?
I’m going to disagree with some of this post, although I agree very much with the aspect that things are better now then they were why sin was being committed.
My point of disagreement is this. The Duggar’s have 19 children. Even if we assume one has fallen away from the faith- which is a big assumption- that means there are 18 children walking closely with the Lord. In no way am I excusing Josh’s behavior. But I am getting tired of the gripe that this is “the patriarchy’s” fault. Think for a moment please about the folks that are in our bible, the hero’s of the faith that we look up to. The Duggar’s have a far higher success rate of raising godly children than anybody I can find in the Bible- New Testament or Old.
It seems like folks who disagree with a strong headship stance are taking a victory lap. Let’s be honest. The Duggar’s were the norm for Christianity up until a few decades ago in Western culture and they are still the norm for the vast majority of christians around the world. I do not find there “version” of faith troubling, in fact I am finding myself more closely aligned with them than many who are doing a victory lap and pointing out the dangers.
If we read our Bibles we will find that children of godly men & women, and often times those very godly men and women, make horrible sinful choices- sometimes over a span of years- but God is not done with them if they are not done with God because of His grace & mercy that is offered to us all through Jesus Christ.
I find the idolization of the Duggars troubling. Of course I find the sins that Josh is admitting to troubling. I find just as troubling the way the evangelical christian community which has moved so far “left” towards the world is treating the situation. I’m starting to understand why many of the men of God I respect say that feminism is the start of the downhill slide for the church. I see way too many upholding their feminist values over the values of Christ. I don’t see the Duggar’s beliefs as oppressing women. I see them as godly. I think the church and those commenting have left the biblical view and are too busy doing a jig of celebration in pride to accept God and His ways. I will not lean on my own understanding of what is good, but His. I will mourn with the family, with Anna, and even Josh if he is repentant as he seems to be. And I will in deep love remind you that in the vast history and population of the christian church your views are the considered the ones that hurt women. I will stand with those views and I will not kick my brothers and sisters in Christ when they are down.
We are a fallen people
Amen! Well said!
There is SO MUCH HURT involved in this whole situation. There are so many fingers being pointed during times like this. We see the wrong that others are doing, but fail to see the wrong within our own home. Or the wrong within our own hearts. I don’t in ANY way condone Ashley Madison or Josh Duggars actions. But, 9 times out of 10, there is something awry on the wife’s end as well. While I don’t expect his wife to give in to every fantasy or anything like that, I do think that we, as women, are partially responsible for our husband’s sexuality (within reason). I’d love to know your thoughts on that, Sheila!
I agree that now he and his family can be on the road to recovery, but I do hate that he has to go through something so hard publicly. I don’t require people in my daily life to share all their sins with me, and I did not require that of the Duggars or any celebrity. I didn’t feel like they were painting a picture of perfection but merely having some privacy. Anyone who assumed having 19 children was easy is delusional.
Sheila, Unfortunately, I think the reality concerning Josh Duggar is that he is not equipped to face this. I think Jim Bob is going to run the show here and he’s not going to get the help he needs for this addiction. I also think Anna is not free to make her own choices here. I think Michelle is dictating to her what she needs to do (stay, forgive, submit, and heaven forbid, not be angry). All accounts indicate that this family doesn’t allow any outside influences or input. Unless Jim Bob and Michelle say, “ok, you have a problem that is bigger than we can help you with” and allow him to realize that he needs an intensive rehabilitation program, and choose ON HIS OWN, to seek that help, he’s not going to find healing.
You may very well be right. I really don’t know much about the family, but the way that they said “forgive forgive” after the molestation does make it sound like they may do the same thing again. So sad.
I found text messages on my husbands phone to two other women when I was 8 months pregnant. One was crazy and he didnt message her very much but the other had a personality similar to mine and he messages her often. He was concerned when she was sick -offered to take her to the hospital-, called her sexy, asked if she wanted to go to dinner and a movie with him. Thankfully she wasnt looking for a relationship so soon after her fiancé cheated on her and rejected his advances. Nothing physical came of it and I confronted him about it. At first he blaimed me because I wasn’t giving him sex and he didnt feel wanted (I was suffering from Vaginismus, yet when I would tell him sex was hurting he’d get mad and say I just didnt like it – how could it hurt since he was being gentle). I confronted him again a few months later and he brushed it off like nothing ha happene and asked why I kept bringing it up. Not too long ago he asked me what was bothering me and I flat out called him out letting him know what happened was an emotional afair and I was very hurt by what happened an i resented being blaimed for it all. He apologized for it then but I haven’t been able to talk about it with anyone else. I don’t want to keep holding this over his head or bringing it up but I feel like if I talk to someone I need to get his aprooval first. I don’t feel like he’s going to want me to talk to any one about it though. I feel like having all of this bottled in is what is hurting my desire to have sex any more, among other things.
On another note, I wish I had felt welcome to talk about my sexual feelings when I was younger. My mother ment well, but I got a strong sex is bad/your body is dirty message when i was younger. That was not her intent at all but when I got married i was scared to death of sex, I still kind of am.
Hi Victoria,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this!
And I think it’s great that you want to honour your husband.
One thing, though. Keeping things secret from everybody is usually not a good idea. It sounds like you guys have had some rough patches–I think talking to a mentor couple is likely very advised at this point. You need to rebuild trust, and he needs to trust that you do want sex to work, and you need to trust that he is only interested in you. That’s a lot to get over.
Even if he doesn’t want to talk to anybody, choosing a wise woman to talk to is absolutely essential for most wives. If we keep everything secret we really can’t grow because we don’t access anyone else’s wisdom. We’re supposed to confess to one another (James 5:16), and we’re supposed to help each other. So I think finding one other person who can keep things confidential is absolutely vital.
If I had to choose someone I would talk with my mother-in-law, not to be a tattle tale but because I feel she would be more understanding than one of my parents. She also knows the character of her son and won’t jump to conclusions. Every time I read over what I have written down about what happened it looks like my husband is a horrible person to someone who doesn’t know him. I think I’d rather have him with me while I talk it out, im probably going to cry through most of it. He hasn’t seen me cry over this yet, just the hurt and frustration.
Wow this is exactly what I needed to hear right now! Thanks Sheila!