Are you waiting for your husband to make you happy?
“Our marriage was never fabulous,” my friend Julie told me. “And it went down substantially when we had kids.” Her first child was extremely colicky. Her second baby was born prematurely and was on a heart monitor for six months. She’d not anticipated how difficult motherhood would be, and it threw her for a loop.
“I was completely out of my element, and I kept expecting my husband to fix it,” Julie said. But her husband was out of his element too. Although he had the job world under control, he didn’t know how to step in and control the home front. Julie explained:
I felt like he wasn’t helping me, but he didn’t know what to do any more than I did. I was trying to make him into my savior, and he wasn’t my savior. He was supposed to be my partner. Mean-while, he was feeling overwhelmed in a different way. His wife had become a complete mess. “Where’s the beautiful wife I married?” he’d say. And I was blaming him for making her disappear.
When I was a personal mess, my husband tried to fix it. When it wasn’t fixable, he wanted to step away. It just made him feel badly. He didn’t know how to react to me.
The more Julie’s husband stepped away, the more Julie started to notice all the ways that he wasn’t meeting her needs. Add to that her own insecurity as a mom, and her personal mess grew worse and worse.
Can you relate to Julie?
I can.
Julie’s story ended up in my book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. I was telling you all about the book last week, and we were looking at some of the more controversial elements–how sometimes you have to confront sin in your husband’s life, and we weren’t always called to keep silent.
But if you were to ask me which of the 9 “thoughts” was the hardest for me personally, it would be this one: realizing that my husband was not put on earth to make me happy.
I’ve been through a tough year and a half. It started with a lot of health problems, and ended with a personal struggle I’ve been praying through and agonizing about. And what’s bugged me the most is that I can’t share that personal struggle with Keith in the way that I want to, because it’s not his struggle. He doesn’t feel the same way about the issue as I do (it’s not a marriage issue, by the way. It’s something totally different.)
Here’s what I think we women often do–what both Julie and I have done: when we are having a personal problem, we expect our husbands to enter into that problem, to walk through it with us, to comfort us, and even to fix it. To do something about it. To be our big champion!
But isn’t being our champion God’s role?
If your husband doesn’t get as riled up or as upset about something as you do, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It just means that he has a different perspective.
The problem women make is that we expect our husbands to slog through all our problems alongside us; the problem many men make is that they try to handle their problems alone.
Neither approach is right.
I don’t know what’s bothering you today–if you’re worried about a relationship, or worried about your kids, or worried about money. It’s okay to have things that are burdening you. But let’s make sure that we put the onus for fixing those problems where it belongs: with ourselves and with God, not with our husbands. Sure, they can help. Sure, they can sympathize (my husband’s been very good at that). But they don’t have to enter into the problem the way that we do.
Here’s what Julie learned:
One day, when her children were still preschoolers, Julie looked in the mirror and felt as if she didn’t recognize herself anymore. She used to be a confident woman with drive and dreams who could take on the world; now she was a mess who was always angry. “I finally realized I couldn’t force having the relationship I wanted. I wanted me back. I honestly think my prayers even changed, from less of a ‘God, just fix everything, and everyone, around me’ to ‘Lord, just help me be better.’”
And how did she get better?
She figured out God’s formula for happiness.
I share it in detail in the book, but I want to give you a glimpse into it.
Let’s start with first principles: happiness is about being happy with your circumstances. Happiness is really based on this earth–with liking what’s going on around you. That’s why happiness is so fickle, because we can’t control our circumstances.
I’ve found the best explanation of happiness to be this one:
Happiness is having what you want, which is only possible when God helps you to want what you have.
If we stop at that first half–having what you want–we’ll always be unhappy, because our wants are unlimited. We can always figure out something else that we need. We are, at heart, envious people.
What we really need, then, is for God to change our hearts so that we want what He has given us. I think that’s what Psalm 37:4 means:
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
It’s not that God gives you what you desire; it’s that He actually gives you your desires.
As you grow closer to Him, you start to desire the things of God. And when you possess those, you become happy.
So, in other words, happiness is a by-product of something else. Happiness isn’t the first step at all; it’s something that only comes after we wrestle with God. Happiness, I believe, can only come after joy and contentment, because they’re not the same thing.
Here’s how I explain it:
Joy is an emotion that looks upward; contentment is an emotion that looks inward; and happiness is an emotion that looks outward. Joy says, “How great is our God!” Contentment says, “It is well with my soul.” And happiness says, “What a wonderful husband I have!”
Happiness is important. We all want to enjoy our marriages. But the ability to enjoy marriage depends first and foremost on our perspective. And what determines that? Our attitude toward God (looking upward) and our heart attitude (looking inward). When we have joy and contentment, happiness in marriage will become much more attainable.
I know we hear that all the time–that we can’t be happy until we first have Jesus. It sounds so cliche. But the thing is–it’s true. It’s not a pat answer because it always applies.
Ladies, we’re all going to go through periods, like Julie, when we are exhausted and stretched beyond our limits. I did when I had health problems; Julie did when she had little kids. Our husbands can be sympathetic. Our husbands can walk alongside and pray with us. But they can’t feel it in the same way that we do, and they can’t always fix it.
But men like to fix things. That’s one of their motivating forces. So when we have a problem and he can’t fix it, he will withdraw. He’ll feel useless. And that will make our situation worse.
The biggest lesson that I have learned in the last year is this one:
My happiness is a gift that I can give my husband.
When I am happy (which only flows from joy and contentment), my husband is free. He doesn’t have to fix anything. He can just love me, and have fun with me, and dote on me without feeling like he’s somehow doing something wrong. What a blessing!
It’s been tough. It was tough for Julie–she had to learn how to bring God into her daily life and how to set up systems so that she could cope with two difficult preschoolers. I have had to learn to spend much more time in prayer to wrestle through my own issues. I’ve had to learn to fill my life with little bits of joy. I’ve had to find more discipline.
But it’s been worth it, because now I can say to Keith, “let’s go on a hike this weekend!”, and we can, and there’s no lingering feeling like he’s disappointing me.
Here we are, on Saturday, during a 10 km trek (seriously, it felt a lot longer with all the hills):
Tomorrow I want to share with you my Top 10 ways for creating happiness–and thus giving your husband the gift of a happy wife! It’s just a snippet of what’s in the book–seriously, there’s so much more–but I hope it will help you.
But today I wanted to let you know that I learned a lot while writing this book. I have struggled with many of these issues, too, and this one in particular has been a journey for me. I hope you can take this journey with me.
Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage will change how you see your marriage–and how you see God. Instead of sitting back and waiting and pleading for life to become what you always dreamed of, you’ll see how you can actually change the way you think–and get that happiness and joy you’ve always wanted.
And what if your husband really is making you unhappy? There’s tools in there, too, for how to move your relationship forward. Don’t stay stuck. Get it today!
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I think us men needs to stop trying to “fix” everything. I was watching a video set that’s called “Love and respect” by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs. I agree with what was said that men should ask “do you want a solution or do you want me to just listen”. I think us men think that If we can just fix women’s problem everything will be fine. But most of the time women just want someone to just listen. Oh and women. Keep your stories short and get to the point, us men have short attention spans. Keep the long stories for your girlfriends. 🙂
Great statement, Matt. It’s impressive that you have given this so much thought. I think you are right about asking what we need instead of assuming. It’s a really good idea. Sometimes I just want some verbal support, sort of a “aww, that’s terrible.” kind of thing. But I can see how it would be tough for a man to see what he’s supposed to do. Just asking could make everything easier. We women could just state what we want, too, even easier.
This is a reply to an old comment, I know. However, I just can’t let this one go. Men are fix-it type of people, at least in general. That is what we do. If you understand this, don’t get upset with us when we try to give you ways to fix whatever situation you are in. It isn’t right or fair. Now, I realize that God has made women to be more connected emotionally, in general. This is why I believe it is important for women to have Christian female friends who will listen and empathize with your struggles. I can’t be everything to my wife, but God places others in our lives to fill the gaps that I cannot fill.
Also, unrelated to the above comments, I hope I am my wife’s champion. Her champion as a prayer warrior, bringing her needs before God. Her champion as a provider. Her champion as a father of our children.
No, but they can make us extremely unhappy. You assume husbands want good marriages and that we women demand too much. But when a man shirks his responsibilities, leaving them all to his wife to handle, we become exhausted, overwhelmed and unhappy. I don’t need him to fix anything that is mine, I just need him to start doing what is his. And for those of you who say just let it go. I tried that. It has left me with a hiuse where the bathrooms leak into the,dining room, the rugs are in such dis-repair they are dangerous and owe,more on the housectgan it’s worth. Even his mom left most of her estate to his,younger brother because she knew he can’t handle money. I find it fascinating that most female Christian authors and bloggers blame women, while male authors and,bloggers take a much more balanced view.
Trish, I totally understand, and that’s actually what I was dedicating most of my posts to last week–what to do when your husband really ISN’T doing the right thing. And many people are certainly facing that in their marriages. But others are facing more what I am–when the root is really your own heart. Perhaps this post from last week would be more helpful for you.
I agree completely. All the advice in the world for a wife to apply won’t make a bit of difference if her husband isn’t trying, too.
I can see your point, but the thing is that even if our husbands are doing something wrong, or not fixing something that we wish they did, our own happiness should not depend on it. We can still choose to be happy even if he doesn’t fix the things he should. And then the issue can be discussed in more appropiate fashion, because we shift away from blaming and focusing on His shortcomings to a more rational discussion of the issue at hand like fixing the plumbing because it will ruin the house. If he still doesn’t do it, you could take responsability too and call a plumber (or learn to fix it on youtube if you’re a handy wife).
I think us wives are good add expecting stuff from our hudbands and play an dmotional game around it that is not worth it. If he forgets to take the trash out, i can choose to blame him and play all day long bad inconsiderate husband thoughts in my mind and dump it at him in the evening or I just take the trash out myself, even though it’s a hassle to do so with a baby and two toddlers in tow…
If your husband isn’t good at taking care of things and money, then maybe you can help him with it?
So along with working 40+ hours a week, bringing in 80% of the salary, commuting 10 hours a week, dong all the house cleaning, cooking, bill paying and investing, now I’m supposed to handle all the home maintenance? When, between 2-4 in the morning? More importantly, if I’m doing it all, why do I need him? Marriage should be each person giving all they can, not one person giving all and the other sitting playing computer games. God made me to be a helpmate, not a doormat.
trish, yeah, really, what do you need him for?
Trish, that is a really serious problem, and I don’t think you can continue this way. I’d take a look at this post–are you a spouse or an enabler? Everything I say in that post is in the new book (plus a lot more) about how to raise issues that are just hard when your husband is really not pulling his weight. I do hope it helps!
Trish,
You are in a very difficult situation. Please consider marriage counseling with someone qualified to help work this out.
lydia, thank you for your advice, if the problem was as simple as taking out the trash, i could totally go that way. but what my husband has done to take away my happiness is much bigger. affairs, porn, lies. how do i see to my own happiness with that in my life? if i didn’t have that going on, i would be happy as could be to forgive the trash piling up or the plumbing needing work. I guess it’s all subjective. some women see things like that as the end of the world. really, you are so lucky. ps- i know how to see to my own happiness, and i am working on leaving him soon.
Trish, i am sorry if i offended you, because clearly, i don’t know your whole story. Not taking any responsibility for your life and playing computer games is sin to be delt with and Sheila already gave you a link to address that. Not taking care of the plumbing in itself is not sin, and in theory you could do something about it as much as your husband, hence my former comment. but being addicted to computer games and neglecting your wife is a huge issue! I hope you’ll find a way to get through to your husband so his life and your marriage will be transformed! God is able!
Trish, I am back because your story stayed with me overnight in my thoughts. I thought about 3 things you can do. You can’t change your husband, bit you can change your response to his behaviour.
1. ask him what is it that fascinates him so much about computer games, that he is doing them all day long?
now, this is not to talk it down, game addiction is huge! But, this honest no blame question might actually open his heart up, so he is willibg to listen. And it might help you learn the reason behind it. He might need time to think about it. Maybe he felt like a failure, and in the game he can accomplish something. Maybe he is fascinated with the leveling up which he seems to be unable to achieve in the real world. Again, this is no excuse, but I read of guys who turned the thing that fascinated them about gaming into their profession, which in turn helped stop the gaming. Some like the graphics, the strAzehy, the resource managing…. All things useful in real life! If he flees to games to cover up hurt, he clearly needs counseling and healing, too.
2. share your heart with him, about how this game addiction effects you. This is hard, but trying to convince him to take care of the house didn’t work, because he doesn’t care. If he cares for you, that will be the one motivation to stop his sin!
3. set up boundaries! Until he changes, stop to support this behaviour. If you pay the bills, you could even cut the electricity or internet off that he needs to game. If you paid for the computer you can get rid off it. The bible says, who doesn’t work, is not supposed to eat either. You don’t have to support a slob. You should also take steps to share this with 3-4 trusted people from the church to confront him, and if that won’t help, it’s to be brought before the congregation. Pray about clarity where to draw the line… Your job is not to support a lazy man!
Wonderful advice, Lydia. Thank you!
I really need this. I’m struggling with it big time. My husband is distant; loves me for how I take care of the kids and him but not for any of my thoughts or things that make me me. And we just moved to a new town so I’m lacking on support systems now. Yet it’s seems that I should be able to be happy. I have a great middle class life and 4 beautiful kids.
Erin, I totally hear you! And I think it’s easy to feel lonely and distant, and I’m certainly not saying don’t deal with distance (in fact, that’s Thought #9 in the book!). But that’s easier to deal with when we first find that joy and contentment ourselves. Then we can say, “Okay, we’re drifting apart and we need to find things we can enjoy doing together. How about taking a walk together after dinner to catch up and talk about it?” I think so many problems could be solved if we started doing things together!
Already pre-ordered the book!
When I was struggling with PPD, a PPD veteran gave me some good advice that applies to a lot of circumstances: “Stop trying to get your husband to understand. He can’t understand this. And that is OKAY. Just because he doesn’t understand doesn’t mean he can’t support you through it. Help him understand how to help you instead of understanding you.”
I’ve been learning the same lesson lately, that my husband can’t make me happy because only God is big enough for that job. But then I struggle to find a balance. I need to turn to God first, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work with my husband to better meet both of our needs. So what is the balance? For example, I am a Words of Affirmation girl, and really I need to find my affirmation in God. But it still really helps when my husband meets that need too. I don’t think that’s wrong, unless I put too much value in it over God. How do you balance your relationship with God and improving your relationship with your spouse? (Does that make sense?)
I love what the vet said to you! I think it’s brilliant!
And I do think that we need to work on showing love to our spouses–absolutely. I think just plain talking about it and being very specific in what you need (every evening I want you to ask me how my day was and cheer me on for one thing I did) makes it easier for many to get behind.
Certainly we need our spouses. Nothing wrong with that. But like you said, our spouses won’t feel the same depth we do about our own issues, and that really is okay!
Thank you for this post. This is exactly the reminder I needed today.
So glad!
I think the issue some eomen struggle with is that we are totally overwhelmed and expected to do the lions share of the work, especially when kids come along
This seems to be the way it is even if both the wan and man are working outside the home full time.
I’ve always felt mrn in general get it much easier. Having worked I. High pressure jobs Amd also been a full time mother ( not to mention working outside the home whilst raising kids at times too) I can tell you now that the person who works outside the home with few child care responsibilities has it extremely easy compared to a stay at home mother Witb a few kids
The funny thing is, I’ve heard many men come home and complain about how hard his day is Nd how he needs to rest which I feel it is the person at home who needs to break much much more.
We still live in a world where gender imbalances eork against women and this is why so many of us are exhausted . men can contribute to FIXING that problem Amd should.
I agree with most of this article, the basic premise of it. I don’t agree with what was said about “Julie’s” situation. I don’t see how being stressed to the limit taking care of their children is her problem to fix alone. Aren’t they his children too? He should be down in the trenches right beside her, going through everything she is. How is the father of these children separate from what the mom is dealing with?
“But isn’t being our champion God’s role?”
I like your post (as always! Yours is one of my favorite blogs!), but I think I may disagree on the use of this term to describe God’s role in our lives. Scripture doesn’t speak of God as our champion, unless by that you mean Savior, Redeemer, Creator, Shepherd, Fortress, King, Father, or the like. Perhaps that is exactly what you mean??? I will go re-read…..
And congrats on your daughter’s recent wedding! 🙂
Hi, Sheila
You really have been giving me a lot of food for thought lately…:-) Thank you.
I love this. And I totally agree – my husband isn’t my twin in thought and word and deed. He is his own person and I am my own person, which means we will approach life’s problems and burdens differently and be burdened by different things. The goal is not to have him become like me to understand me – the goal is to be my partner and walk me through life. I love the bit about giving your husband a happy wife as a gift – I think that’s awesome and something I definitely tend to focus on. Enjoying the moment – this is actually something God has been talking to me about lately – forget the fear, the anxiety, the worries – and focus on enjoying the moment. The rest will fall into place when I truly learn to trust God completely. So hard to do though – especially when you’re prone to being negative.
All of what you have said though reminds me of Kahlil Gibran’s quote on marriage – give your heart not into each other’s keeping, but give to the giver of life.
On Marriage
Kahlil Gibran
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
http://www.katsandogz.com/onmarriage.html
As The Julie mentioned in Sheila’s book, I thought I’d pipe up and clarify, given a couple of the comments.
Sheila interviewed me at length and did a great job of summarizing here. Yeah, I was totally overwhelmed, and those were his kids too. But I was an unhappy mama making everything worse by expecting my husband to know what to do (when I didn’t) and to fix things (when I couldn’t) and to make me happy (when I wasn’t). I became very resentful and that much more unhappy. When I turned to God, it was usually to register my litany of complaints and ask Him to change everything and everyone else around me.
When I took responsibility for the tasks I’d taken on, the goals I’d set, the person I was…when I asked God to change me more than everyone else…when I let my husband simply be my husband and a father, and not my personal savior…when I made a choice to pursue holiness and happiness…things improved. As Sheila rightly said, “My happiness is a gift that I can give my husband.” The paradox is that when I became a more enjoyable person to be around, hubby became even more involved.
Anyway, please don’t throw things at my husband! He was just as flummoxed as I, and by the grace of God, we’ve gotten through a lot and now have a very happy marriage. Thanks, Sheila!
Thanks so much for this post, Sheila, and this comment, Julie! I had my first baby two months ago, and while he’s a good baby motherhood has still proven more challenging than I expected and in the moments when I’ve been most unhappy I’ve also found myself resentful of my husband for not fixing it. I want and NEED to start taking responsibility for my own happiness, and I think it will help our marriage tremendously!
This is great. Can’t wait for the book; have it pre-ordered.
I am not here to say you are completely off track. I do get frustrated when I see this statement often: ” my husband can’t make me happy”. God is the only one who can truly satisfy our deepest needs. One thing that puzzles me is that I don’t see much written or preached about concerning the verses that God gives us for every day living. Often wives and husbands and even singles are struggling because our churches don’t teach verses that could literally change our relationships. Pinterest has 36 verses for marriage. I have taken those verses and changed the title ….36 verses for everyday living. These verses would transform our lives but they are never used in our Bible studies or church services.
I believe happiness is a thing of the mind. It takes been positive with the totality or whole of our being to be happy. Moreover, it is selfishness among couples that result in their not been happy. For instance, some couple are focusing attention on what their husband or wife is doing or not doing to make him or her happy.
Of a truth, couples who want to be happy in their marriage should not focus attention on themselves but rather they should focus their attention on doing things that will make or bring happiness to their spouse. In doing so, they will observe that they will be happy as well. It is what we give out willingly that we end up receiving. So if your husband can’t make you happy, ask yourself if you are making your husband happy?. If you are making him happy, you will surely be happy yourself.
Sheila this was a good article. However, you could have countered it with saying it is not a wife’s job to keep hubby happy either. I don’t know how many times I was told that. I did everything people told me to do. Don’t nag, be sweet all the time, have sex, be submissive etc and he will be happy. Guess what? He had another affair. This advice of ‘keeping your spouse happy’ does nothing but breed codependency. In other words “I can’t be happy unless he/she is happy”. Happiness is an inside job, and it comes from God. Not another person. I find it so common and so sad that most marriage articles I read always state that the husband is supposed to take the role of Jesus, but for some reason the wife is the one who is expected to hold the marriage together all the time. Sounds backwards to me.
I love how you have put into perspcetive who our true champion in this life is. As a wife I do feel like we have some very unrealistic expectations of everything our man should be doing. But its amazing what can happen when we align our relationship with the God first model, it changes everything even the way we see our husbands! Thanks Shelia your insight is always AMAZING!