Please welcome guest posters, Dr. Dan and Linda Wilson, the authors of Lovemaking: 10 Secrets to Extravant Intimacy in Marriage–a book I was happy to read before it was published and endorse. Today they are sharing a new way of looking at making intimacy special with your spouse!
Did you know that your sense of taste changes over the years? Sexual desires and appetites have seasons as well. How hungry are you?
Appetizers
“At our door is every delicacy, both new and old, that I have stored up for you, my lover.” ~ Song of Solomon 7:13
Early in marriage many couples are ravenous for sex. It’s like a three course meal that begins with a large plate of savory, mouth-watering appetizers. You are famished and ready to devour everything you can get your hands on. In the initial phase of active sexuality, large volumes of energetic lovemaking just might be more appealing than a tiny taste of extreme ecstasy.
We like to refer to this honeymoon phase of sex as the appeteasers. When really hungry, eating an occasional small morsel can be almost maddening. We are hungry! Bring out a huge platter of appeteasers, and let’s snack on them all day and into the night.
The first honeymoon months of sexual encounter are passionate, producing memories that the newlyweds will remember for a lifetime. But let’s be honest. High-level, almost starving desire combined with immaturity and inexperience often produces some awkward, even hilarious intimate experiences. Being desperately hungry can sometimes result in disappointing outcomes.
For instance, it might not take long to discover that one (often, but not always the man) will have a heftier appetite, a higher sex drive than the other. Inequality of libido is nearly universal—so common that it is considered to be normal. What initially seems to be a frustrating challenge is actually a wonderful opportunity. Learning to adjust to each other’s needs for higher or lower frequency is one way of expressing agape, selfless love. Paul’s instruction to “Submit one to another” (Ephesians 5:21) is wise council for lovers of any age. Remember, submission is a two-way street.
Dramatic shifts in libido can occur during this appetizer phase of marriage. For instance, the two of you might be getting really good at sex when the color bar on the pregnancy test strip changes. Oh my! Does a positive pregnancy test require a nine-month fast from sex? No! It might be time to expand your palate, but the appetizers are still quite yummy.
Entrees
“Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” ~ Song of Solomon 4:16
After delighting in many scrumptious appetizers during the early years, our middle years of marriage are a great time to focus on enjoying the entrees. We get to experiment with some new spices. Who wants meatloaf every Monday when the gourmet menu is available?
The children are older. Our work schedules become more predictable. In these sexually savory middle years we find more time and energy for romance. Are you taste-testing some delectable dishes that arouse your senses in wonderful ways? In fact, do not be surprised when asked if you are on your honeymoon after being married for twenty-two years.
By adapting to changing appetites through the years, you demonstrate love, faithfulness, and sensitivity to one another. Trust and security invite both of you to eat, enjoy, and be satisfyingly filled. This season of life can offer many evenings of fine dining. But why limit this pleasure to evenings? Afternoon snacks are delightful. Breakfast in bed is a refreshing way to start the day. Variety really does add spice to life.
The middle years are a great time to experiment with new cuisines as you share a delicious date night dinner. Take time to enhance your dining experience by lighting a romance candle and dressing the table with beautiful flowers. Try a new perfume. Wear a pretty negligee while listening to love songs on the play list.
There is now time to savor each bite as you encounter new exotic cuisines.
Sex might take a little longer than in the newlywed years, but it is oh so delicious. And, your palate has become more refined. You have figured out which herb goes best with which food, and have discovered that more is not necessarily better. It is still great fun to experiment with different flavors. But we know what we like and thoroughly enjoy every exquisite bite.
Desserts
“His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this is my friend.” ~ Song of Solomon 5:16
And who does not want dessert? As you honeymoon into the later decades of marriage, you get to enjoy the sweetest of treats. This mature phase of life is an opportunity for you and your mate to share the intense richness of love that is ripened on the vine of life together.
As you advance in age, health issues may appear that block sweet methods of lovemaking from the past. Joints are stiffer, backs seem weaker, and energy is often lower than before. Yet the need to be emotionally and physically touched in intimate ways remains. The desire to be loved and to love is a constant that never fades.
At the wedding feast in Cana, the party had been going on for days when Jesus changed water into wine. The master of the wedding banquet said that the choicest wine had been reserved until the final course of the feast (John 2). Isn’t that like God to save the best until last?
The Spirit refines skills in lovemaking throughout the years. Happily married people in their later decades are often the most satisfied lovers. Laughingly we say that there will need to be a lock on our door if we move into a nursing home for the elderly. Delectable dessert will still be on the menu.
One bite of divine dark chocolate is more satisfying than a bag of inferior candies. As you adapt to physical changes and health challenges, your sexual sense of taste might change once again, becoming even more refined.
Full Meal Deal
Appetizers, entrees, and desserts are yummy treats that fill your life with delight. Throughout your married life you will want it all—the full meal deal. Each course demonstrates your love sexually to your mate. Both giving and receiving pleasure is delectable. Every anniversary is to be celebrated—possibly over a nice, long dinner as you fondly remember favorite meals from the past, and dream of delicious dishes you want to try. Wouldn’t this be a great day to devour some French silk pie?
Dr. Dan and Linda Wilson are marriage missionaries. They delight in traveling around the world blessing marriages and sharing about Jesus. Dan and Linda are cofounders of Supernatural Marriage & Missions, and have written several books including Lovemaking: 10 Secrets to Extravagant Intimacy in Marriage. You can follow them at www.supernaturalmarriage.org and www.facebook.com/supernaturalmarriage.
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave the URL of your marriage post (please, only marriage, no cooking) in the linky below. And then be sure to link back here so other people can read these great posts!

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Great reminders! It is absolutely true that sex in marriage can get better over time. It might take some effort, but the reward is well worth any effort it requires.
I love the creative way that lovemaking through the many seasons of life is described here, Sheila. Thanks so much for sharing Dan and Linda’s wisdom because there’s something for everyone here! I’ll have to check out their book and ministry as well. I’m not familiar with them, so I’m grateful for the introduction! Thanks also for the linkup, my friend!
Glad I spotted your linkup this week! I’m haven’t heard of the Wilsons before, but an endorsement from you is all I need! Great post – I just love the analogies!!
Have a great week!
My wife and I have found that love making is more exciting and fulfilling now that we are both in our 70s. Retired, we have the time to enjoy each other as God intended. We ar4e blessed.
Please, help me. I’ve read your blog and its been a great help. Im getting married in 3 weeks and my fiance was addicted to porn. He told me before things got serious. He set up safeguards, was in counceling and he was the one who decided that we should talk with my pastors before we got engaged. My pastor told me that thats not normal, he has always been honest to me. He was 9 months clean, then he slipped up, but he told me. We thought he would be now 8 months free on our wedding day. He really is the most incredible man I know because he is so serious about this and helped me in every way. Now his safeguards weren’t on and he planned to give me his laptop because he didnt want to risk anything. I have his passwords, he freely gave them to me.
I was afraid but never believed God would allow this to happen before the wedding.
A few hours ago he told me that he watched p. yesterday. I am just shocked. I dont know how it could happen. He gave me his laptop and he begged me for forgiveness. We cried the whole time and it breaks my heart to see his pain. I know that he loves me so much and he never wanted to hurt me this bad. I struggled so much with body insecurities, but he was so loving that I was happy when I finally could let him see me in the wedding night…i dont want this now. I am afraid…I dont want to tell anyone (he will tell his mentor), but I dont want that my parents see me crying…they admire him. I told him that I forgave him and tried my very best to encourage him. I love him so much and I told him that the love he showed me all the time cannot be destroyed by this. That I am proud to become his wife…and I am proud that he had victory for so long. But what is with my hurt? I dont want to think how badly I will suffer tomorrow…
I dont want to push him away…I want to encourage him and show him the love that Jesus has for me. Also, this time he started the video, but then he shut down the computer and ran away, jogging. He didnt see the ”act”….he didnt masturbate (hasnt since 7 months), but he takes it very serious. Me too…i cant believe he has seen a naked woman again..l wanted to be the only one he could see…he told me that he would do everything it takes to help me heal, and I know he will. I am devastated, but I know we will get through this…we both love Jesus and want to honour him with our marriage.
Can it be a comfort that he closed the site after a few minutes and ran away? I know that I am really blessed that he told me- I didnt know anything…I am not sure if I should call it a relapse because he shut the video down before the intercourse, but has seen enough. I want something that helps me, I dont want to accept that this happened so short before our wedding…please, pray for us. I want to bring my hurt to jesus and my love to my fiance…but it hurts so much…I am so shocked…
sorry for the long comment that doesnt fit…just needed to get this off my heart. I am no native speaker, so sorry for the mistakes. Will our wedding night be okay? I was confident because he always told me how beautiful I am and to be honest I couldnt wait when we finally could become one…I want to be close to him. Satan cant destroy that, right? Sorry, I feel like a little girl who needs someone telling her that everything will be alright. We are 21 and 22…
I hope someone can give me an answer…sorry again I am too tired for searching for an article where my comment would fit better.
Hi there–I’m so sorry for your pain, and for his, too. I’m so sorry that our disgusting society is fighting for the souls of its young people like this. It’s so sad.
I do, however, see a lot of good in your story. He has fully confessed. He’s trying to be completely open. He has people to hold him accountable. He stopped and went jogging.
And after just going through a wedding in my own family, I can tell you that the time leading up to a wedding is among the most stressful you’ll deal with. And stress triggers many of these sorts of addictions and relapses.
That isn’t to say that you won’t have struggles if you marry him. His sexual response is tied to porn, and it may take a while to get that response tied to you. You’ll need to be able to talk about that openly. You’re going to have body issues, and trust will be difficult. Your wedding night might be wonderful, but it might not be fireworks sexually, either. For many couples that does take time, with or without porn. The key is being able to talk about it.
But if you see genuine repentance and character growth–if you see the fruits of repentance–then God is working in his life.
I can’t tell you what to do, but I’d recommend really talking about what your sex life will be if he is so used to masturbation with porn. And maybe talk to a counsellor together now. I do know that these sorts of things are common before a wedding, so the main thing to ask is what direction is he going? Is he growing spiritually? And if so, is he ready to be married? Personally, I don’t think messing up one night invalidates that, especially if he confessed. But if you’re going to marry him, you also have to forgive him and you can’t hold it over his head, even if sex takes a while to get right afterwards.
I do hope that helps!
Thank you so much for your response, it sometimes takes me a long time to sit down and write. Yes, I know that there are many good things. He has always told me when he relapsed and I encouraged and thanked him so much for his honesty. And I know how hard it must have been for him to tell me, knowing it would hurt me so much. I asked if he was tempted to hide that for me, and of course it was hard, but he said that he read that the lies hurt even more. He vistited me for the last days and he is incredibly kind to me. He really is a godly man, he leads us to jesus and I can for sure see his progress. 3 Years ago he was looking porn everyday, then he became a christian and it took him only a few months to ask a conselor to help him. I am very proud of him, he has long times of sobriety, and he didnt date me before he had at least 6 months victory over this. We go to counseling together! As I write this I realize that I am really blessed. He promised me to do everything he can to help me heal, He is so sorry for hurting me like that. He even told me that it might help me if I talked to an older woman abouth this relapse. My pastors and my father all said that god brought me a very courageous, humble man. However it hurts anyway. I can’t focus on all the preparations, I just want to lay in my bed and cry. I’m not angry, I immediately tried to encourage him because I really know that I am a sinner, too. I told him I forgive him, and I know it might happen in marriage, but that doesn’t change anything. I will be so proud to be the woman on his side! But I am afraid of the hurt, I know God will carry us through, and we try our best to grow together and share the pain. He wants to know how I feel, holds me when I cry and assures me all the time, that he won’t compare me to those women. But I feel so ugly..
I told him about your comment and we talked a lot about our sex life. Of course we can just guess but I told him it might be that I need time to let him see me fully. And maybe no bright light in the beginning. But I have read your blog and he is very happy that I have learnt so much about sexuality and that I can’t wait to become one with him.
I have one strange question. Two days after he confessed, we talked a lot and I was so hopeful because he just is the best man in the world. He hold me in his arms…and then I thought, that I would want to have sex with him, if we were married. Is this normal? I always thougt I would need soo much time before I can open up, but we are emotional very close together and if the room wouldnt be to bright, I thought it would help us. He was very surprised and he knows it might have been that I cried again afterwards, but then we thought it could be very healing- if I am ready for that. I am just confused and have so many questions…
sorry again for the long text. I pray that I find a woman who has eperienced this and who can help me. And thank you so, so much for your blog! I told my friend who is getting married about it and we learned together how important sex is and it has been a real eye opener!
And another question, do you think his problem will cause problems in our se life?
He was really addicted 3 years ago, then always maintained a few weeks of sobriety and since 1,5 years he’s been sober for 9, 4,5 and now 7 months. When he relapses, he doesn’t watch as much as he used to, and in the times betwen the relapses there has been no masturbation or so. I hope that because the worst part lays in the past and it only happens relatively rare, it wouldn’t cause many problems.