Today, please welcome a sister from Uganda, Roxanna.A.Kazibwe, from You are Being Loved. Roxanna is sharing 10 fantastic and tried tips to stop being a nagging wife.
Are you the nagging wife?
Here are 10 tried tips that will help you be a sweetheart. By nagging wife here, I am not talking about a weak, whining, small-voiced creature. I am talking about head-strong, independent women–women who, like me, thought they would get married at 40 (for companionship in their old age), but somehow this prince charming swept them off their feet and into holy matrimony, where they met the big S word–Submission— and they had/have no idea what it means.
If you are having a bit of trouble with impatience; having to always get things done your way, cannot for the life of you wait for anything or anyone then this is for you.
I had been told by my mum, my siblings and some close girl friends of mine that I had a streak of control-freakishness, but I had mostly brushed it off. Maybe it was the way they said it, with a chuckle or a shaking of the head, “Roxie, you are such a control-freak!” I honestly thought they were all just teasing me good-naturedly. Until I met my husband.
When we had just started dating he would comment about it and laugh, then he stopped laughing.
“You are doing that thing again”
“What thing?” I’d ask.
“That thing where you ask me to do something then your breathe down my neck until I finish it”
OR “That thing where I’m talking to someone on the phone and you are making signs and prompting me on what to say with loud whispers in my other ear”
OR “That thing where you are always right and we have to do it your way…”
Well, you get the drift.
When God started dealing with me concerning this, I apologized to my husband and told him I’d work on it. When I asked him later how it used to make him feel, he said he felt “disrespected, mistrusted and not understood.”
I love my husband. He is the sweetest, most patient, most gracious man that I know. I want to be sweet and respectful to him. Over time, I’ve come up with this list of things that I can do to control myself instead of controlling him. As Danny Silk says, “The only person you can control on a good day is yourself!”
1. Keep quiet.
Please. When things are not moving according to your pace or how you would want them to happen, you are most likely complaining. So, here’s a solution- keep quiet. Bite your tongue, bandage it up & have it full. See, now you can’t talk. Everything you want to say will come out as oooaaahh. No, don’t write it down either. Practicing this has helped me a great deal ☺ I have been saved from saying things which I’d later on regret. “Why are you so slow?” “Goodness you haven’t done that yet?” Nah-ah.
2. Walk away
Like Literally. Go to the next room. Go outside. Just leave the world its peace. Do it respectfully though. Do not act like you have stomped out. Usually if the activity that is causing me to be bossy (“Babe, fix that curtain”, “Babe when are you going to fix the curtain?”, “God, the sun!”, “Babe, not like that”) is in the bedroom, I say “I’ll be right back” or “let me check on this” so that my husband knows I have not gone out in anger and I’m not throwing a tantrum. So, when you go to another room…
3. Too busy to pry
Do something. Cook a meal. Do the dishes ( :-p ) Call a friend.
If it’s a long-term thing that is causing you to nag then keep yourself busy by starting another project. By the time you are done he’ll most probably be done too.
4. Rest
Sometimes you are just tired. I can be a wifezilla when I am fatigued. So, we have an agreement at home to not have ‘serious’ conversations after 8pm unless it is a matter of life and death. We have our ‘serious conversations’ in the morning before leaving home when everyone is fresh and sane. Solution-sleep on it.
5. Pray
Yes, you can remove the bandage from your mouth and pray. Pray for strength and grace to wait. Pray for wisdom to make the right decision. Give thanks to the Lord and be filled with the joy of the Spirit. Let Him take charge. Let Him do the talking. Let Him take the wheel and give you rest. Let Him walk you away from the chaos in your mind to His still waters. Praying will work for you every time. It will even take your focus off whatever it is that’s causing you discomfort or distress. And speaking of focus…
6. Beauty
Everything is pink and rosy. Look at the positive side. Look for the positive side. If you are too ticked to see any positives then look at beauty. What calms you? What inspires you? Taking walks helps me, looking at cloud patterns inspires me. Looking at wedding pictures hanging in the living room makes me smile. This might seem cheesy to you but I’ll tell you it works.
7. Don’t take the wheel
Keep your hands off. So, hubby dearest is taking his time to get things done and instead of go at it with him again you decide to do it yourself. Don’t you dare. I have been prey to this countless times and by countless I mean I lost count because they were so many until God talked to me about this personally. Here’s what I learnt; whenever you do a task your husband was supposed to do or you had asked your husband to do (without him asking for your help), your husband feels disrespected. In girl language, he feels unloved. It is like the worst thing ever. You might as well cut out his heart while you are at it.
8. Speak life
Remove the bandage on your tongue only if you are willing to be well behaved and speak to yourself. To yourself. “I am patient” “I am wise” “A wise woman builds up her house, a foolish one tears it down” Calm yourself with words. Do not use this time to complain to yourself or speak anything negative concerning your husband. Reaffirm your identity as a lovely wife, as a respectful wife, as a virtuous woman. Try it. Do it even now. Do it in the mirror if you want to. You are patient. Believe it. Act like it.
9. Be empathetic
Try to see from his point of view. Perhaps you need to sit down with the person and find out what’s going on. Why the process is taking longer than you would have wanted. I got this bonus point from my husband actually. I was like “Babe, what tips can you give wives who are impatient, sort of like how I was?” and that’s what he said so may be your husband would like for you to be more understanding and behave in a way that shows that you empathize with him.
10. Perspective
Okay, so what is most important for you right now? The relationship or having your way? A happy husband or the results? I mean of course you might get frustrated at some point but that will not be forever, what is forever till death do you part is your covenant relationship with this amazing man. I’ll tell you when you change your mind to care for what is important, the frustrations will shrink.
Check your trust.
Check to see whether you are being impatient because you do not trust the person to deliver or to meet your standards. Perhaps he has failed to do something on time before? Or he has failed you before? May be you are the kind of person who likes to micromanage because you do not trust other people to be as ‘awesome’ as you? I have realized that I used to be so controlling (see how I’m using the past tense here? 😉 ) because of fear and mistrust. So check your trust.
If you have been a nagging, control-freak of a wife and have therefore disrespected or hurt your husband with your words or actions, say sorry. If you remember incidents, be specific in your apology. Let him know that you would like to start off on a clean slate. He can help point out to you when you show control-freak symptoms and you can work together to get you better.
Do remember that as a child of God, you are a new creation and therefore all these habits and traits are of the old person you used to be. You’re actually a very patient, meek, tender person ☺ Read the word of God, talk through this with Him and walk in your new identity.
Roxanna.A.Kazibwe is a love campaigner, people developer and author She is passionate about people knowing their identity as children of God and walking in their purpose as heirs of this world. She writes about relationships and purpose on her blog You are being loved. Get more from Roxanna here “
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This is me to an extent, I only became this way when my husband would lie all the time, do things for others and not me,he can be so emotionally unavailable and you can never have an adult conversation about him and the things ge does but im suppose to sit back and let him tell me all the things wrong with me so I became bitter and angry, we are seperated now, we only argue about his adult kids they are so needy and dependant that it’s sad they are 24 and 27 and he has guilty father syndrome and it’s put a snag in our marriage, so I wonder if I’m still suppose to keep quiet. ..?
I’m sorry to hear that about your marriage dear.
It’s true that when someone treats us poorly, we get fearful of them and then try to control them so that they’ll never hurt us again.
We, however, cannot control other people and it seems that the more you nag a man, the more he withdraws or acts up depending on his temperament.
Perhaps you are frustrated because you are “bottling it all in”. May I ask if you have talked to someone about this? Would your husband be willing to consider this?
Please remember that God is your ultimate healer and peace and he can restore what seems Impossible for you.
I am very confused. Other articles say, don’t keep things in and tell him how you feel; you can’t let things build up; it won’t get better unless you talk about it. I try to do this and it kicks me in the butt. I just never get it right. My ex and my husband now both into porn, and I try so hard to be the perfect wife. Then I mess it up by not telling them how I feel and when I do, It’s too much, they can’t handle it; or misunderstand; or throw it back in my face and blame me for their feelings. I so want to give up, but can’t again. So I have turned to work, studying, and then as a last resort, alcohol. I am getting to the point where I want to give up on God. No counselors (he won’t go), no church, no prayers, no begging, no doing all he wants, no boundaries, whatever seems to get me anywhere. Such good advice sounds wonderful, but I can’t seem to get it right.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a rough time. I think the difference with this article is it’s more about nagging over the way things are being done or the time they are being done in (she uses putting up a curtain as an example). This is clearly a different situation to if your husband is sinning against you- it’s not nagging to talk about that (though the WAY you talk about it is very important).
Remember you will never be a perfect wife and your husband will never be a perfect husband- you are both two sinful people living in a fallen and sinful world.
Hang in there with God. Remember He works to His timetable, not ours! Keep praying when you are feeling like you want to give up; even journal your prayers. Rant to God about the situation if you need to, spend time with Him and ask Him to give you the grace to talk calmly to your husband about the problem. This was so helpful to me when my husband was struggling with porn and it really helped me to then calmly talk about it (without nagging or attacking or melting down) which in turn helped my husband to be able to talk about it too as he knew I wasn’t about to lose it! (He’s now 6 months porn-free). I also highly recommend “Every Heart Restored”- it’s an excellent book for wives of porn addicts and has some great advice.
Thanks for that DinnerofHerbs.
Hello, thanks for speaking so openly about what you are experiencing right now. I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through.
I think the issue of pornography in a relationship and especially marrriage is not something you can push under the rag and forget about.
I am all for not bottling things up and communicating how you feel but my concern is how do we communicate our hurts and frustrations.
There is some good advice here from Sheila on how to deal with a husband who is into porn. I found the article relevant plus you’ll look at the related articles too https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/01/how-to-deal-with-a-husbands-pornography-use-a-mans-perspective/. I would also recommend a book called “Keep your love on”by Danny Silk, it changed my life and empowered me to love unconditionally and not from a point of weakness.
Pray for your husband. The fact that he doesn’t want to go to church or see a counselor for help implies that he has given up, is ashamed or guilty or both (and this usually makes guys defensive and edgy). God can help him though. You can pray for him if you choose to be strong now. Find your strength in God.
Please don’t give up.
Hello, thanks for speaking so openly about what you are experiencing right now. I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through.
I think the issue of pornography in a relationship and especially marrriage is not something you can push under the rag and forget about.
I am all for not bottling things up and communicating how you feel but my concern is how do we communicate our hurts and frustrations.
There is some good advice here from Sheila on how to deal with a husband who is into porn. I found the article relevant plus you’ll look at the related articles too https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/01/how-to-deal-with-a-husbands-pornography-use-a-mans-perspective/. I would also recommend a book called “Keep your love on”by Danny Silk, it changed my life and empowered me to love unconditionally and not from a point of weakness.
Pray for your husband. The fact that he doesn’t want to go to church or see a counselor for help implies that he has given up, is ashamed or guilty or both (and this usually makes guys defensive and edgy). God can help him though. You can pray for him if you choose to be strong now. Find your strength in God.
Please don’t give up and please don’t blame yourself.
Yeah, I know exactly what you mean here. I have to keep quiet a lot. 😀
Hahaha Keelie 🙂 Better safe than sorry.
I respect the verse that says wives submit to ur husbands. Husbands r the head of a home i believe God communicates to them to guide thier family in d best way possible. Tho He does speak to the women too. I have experienced situations where i force things to be done ma way and they turn out bad and i regret why i didnt listen to ma man
That’s true.
In some instances, I’ve lost us some money because of wanting to get things done *fast* and my way.
Oh is this ever something I have had to learn! For me it took a simple principle: Pick. Your. Battles. Not everything is worth it. Loading the dishwasher? Who cares if he doesn’t do it the way I do it, he’s doing it and I don’t have to! Folding clothes? Who cares if he folds his clothes “wrong”, he’s the one who wears them, not me, and he’s folding them and I don’t have to! Changing the baby’s diaper? Who cares if he’s not doing it exactly the way I do, he’s doing it and I don’t have to! I am learning over time how I can share helpful things with him without taking it all the way to nagging. “Honey, thank you for doing the dishes. For future reference, this thing needs to go on the top rack instead of the bottom.” “Honey, thank you for changing the baby’s diaper. For future reference, if his pee-pee is pointing down when you put the new diaper on, the diaper won’t overflow.”
And sometimes, if he really is doing something the wrong way, I have to back off and let it happen. Many humans are creatures that learn by experience. My husband is one of them. So there are times when I have to let it be. Will he be frustrated? Yes. Will he be irritated that he has to do it again? Yes. But will we be fighting because I was nagging? No.
My grandmother shared these words of wisdom at my wedding and they hold true: “Be kind to each other.” Just, be kind. It goes a long way.
I love this: Be kind to each other. I think that is the best advice to give to any married couple. In heart, in word, in deed – be kind to each other. How lovely!
=D This had me grinning Melissa. Pick your battles. It’s true and it has worked for me too.
Letting my husband make his own mistakes is something that I’ve recently learned. I don’t want anything negative to happen to him or us but I can’t control the universe, can I? So, instead of giving him unsolicited advice, I pray for him every day without fail, to make the right decisions, to be prosperous etc.
If something re-ally needs to be communicated, I communicate it sweetly and with prudence because he once told me that what I say might be true but the ‘tone’of my voice (I think that would be my know-it-all, high-horse eldest-daughter tone) puts him off.
Thanks again for bringing this forward and for sharing with us granma’s easy to remember advice.
I have worked hard on this. But what i leave,alone never gets done. What do i mean be never. Leaky basement asked him to get estimates – 10 years and counting, bow we have mold as well. Non-working shower in our bathroom – 12 years and counting. Other shower leaks – put a bucket under the leak. I have a home that is so run down and dangerous that i don’t dare hav3 friends over. Not all men want to lead and take care of what they’ve been given.
Sorry to hear that Loretta. It’s true that some husbands are reluctant leaders (possibly due to their backgrounds entangled with their personalities).
Being married with him for this long, you’ve probably tried countless things to nudge him to lead and I’m sorry for the frustration.
If I may ask,do you have a local church that you both attend and/or a marriage group or couple that you are comfortable with and accountable to? I’ve realised that marriage is one of those things a couple cannot do well alone.
What could help your husband is to have a man he respects show him how to lead.
I would suggest a man because if you talk to him about it, even though he’s in the ‘wrong’ he’ll probably get defensive and withdraw or act up.
Hey, let me know what you think so that I don’t make assumptions 🙂
Roxanna, Thank you so much for this much needed post. I can so relate! I was a single mom for 11 years before I met my husband. I am extremely independent. We have been married for 16 years and it has been a challenge not trying to take over. My husband retired due to a bad heart chronic low back pain.
Three years ago, we bought a fixer upper for really cheap! While it seemed like a good idea at the time, we are still living out of boxes and trying to get the house back together. My husband has done a beautiful job on what is completed (and we are living in part of it. This time has been very difficult for me. It is so hard for me not take over and finish something (which I have done in the past). Now, when things start driving me crazy, I stand in my beautiful (not done) kitchen and look at how beautiful the done part is.
I know all to well how words can crush a person and I try my best to be encouraging! Sometimes if you cannot say something nice well you just keep your mouth shut! We should be kind to one another. Sorry for the long story. Loved your post!
Hi Bridget 🙂 I’m glad you shared. Illustrations from real life experiences help us learn better. Cheers to you also for appreciating your husband and what he has been able to do. May God bless you with even more joy and grace in your marriage.
Congs for hanging in there and not taking over =D ; -)
Thanx for that wonderful article Aliba. I think iam guilty when it comes to nagging and I repent.
You are welcome Keysha.
I wish you the best. Remember you are just walking in good works already prepared for you by God.
Cheers.
Mrs Kazibwe… am living this article. Even for the countless times I have heard,listened to this kind of advise… I find myself at times being nagging…or bossy “maybe” that first born daughter thing…but yeah I have learnt to keep my mouth shut & to also appreciate what would have seemed like slow progress when it comes to getting things done by hubby…
Haha yes it’s true Joan, sometimes we slip. I guess that’s why I wrote these points down at first- to remind myself of what I could be doing instead of nagging.
Good to hear that you are working on it and appreciating him. I wish you all the best dear!
I love these points. As a type-A personality, I struggle with these issues. One thing I have found helpful in dealing with number 7 (Don’t take the wheel) involves playing to his strengths. My husband is a physician with a very busy schedule. He isn’t home as much as either of us would like. Over the course of our marriage, we have discussed responsibilities, and we have developed a system where I take care of nearly everything dealing with the home, kids, cars, yard–you name it. When I ask him to do things, I try to always select items that are in his strengths. He loves technology, so all computer issues (beyond basic troubleshooting) are his. Things beyond my physical strength or that require 2 people also go on the “Honey do” list. I’m a capable woman, but I have learned and I’m still learning that I need to rein in my control issues. Thanks for your article!
Well I hope other readers will see your comment for this great tip historychick.
Play to his strengths.
I love it. It helps him to still feel relevant and respected.
Thanks 🙂
Hello,
I am currently struggling with my relationship with my husband. We dated for 5years and have been married for four. He used to be my best friend and is super intelligent and very analytical but he is so controlling! He wants to make the decisions on EVERYTHING that has to do with our home, children and inlaws but he sorts stays aloof when I make decisions that would affect only me even when I ask him directly. Everyone in his family and mine say he is his own government and just generally avoid getting in his way. He also does not communicate. I can’t tell what he is thinking and most of the time I feel ‘unloved’. I have tried talking about this with him severally and he feels bad that I am unhappy but because he can’t figure out the math behind these situations (or thats what I think) he just lets me talk hopes it would go away. He also complains alot. I just can’t his expectations and they’re always changing. Today he’ll say “tell me before doing such and such” and tomorrow when I ask he’ll say “so what are you telling me for?”. I feel frustrated that he ‘ignores’ me so much and treats me like this.
I am a strong (maybe too strong sometimes) independent woman but with him ive learnt to be the one to always apologise, submit, adjust but its so hard trying to keep up. I have degrees (Engr & MSc), lots of certifications but I gave up pursuing a career because of my home. Doing all this submitting in addition to being dependent on him is not easy. Plus I am only allowed to spend the money on myself! Buying things for the house from my pocket money without his permission is a punishable offence. I had to forfeit my allowance for 3 months because I bought a cupboard for our second baby.
He is a good man and LOVES our children so so much. He takes his responsibility of providing for his family very seriously and I cannot fault him there. He takes good care of his parents (inlaws need to be managed so their expectations do not grow out of proportion) and is very charitable. I’m still the closest friend he has but he is having a hard time balancing being responsible for our welfare and safety and being a friend & lover.
I will appreciate Godly advice. Pls help
Hello Cee,
Thanks for your comment.
I’m sorry that your hubby is acting this way. He wants to take care of you but he’s stifling you instead. From your comment it seems it’s a character he’s developed and not a one-off action.
If you’re interested, you can drop me an email on my contact page and we talk through this at length.
However for the sake of someone else who might be reading this and is in the same situation, here’s a brief answer;
Since talking to your husband directly, continually, about this may get him defensive or think he is unappreciated, it might help to have a godly man he respects to speak to him and *show* him how to lead without controlling.
Pray for his heart too. I know that being controlling comes from fear but perfect love casts out fear and God has poured His love into our hearts through His Holy Spirit so we are able to love like Him. I speak the manifestation of this love into your home, a fearless love.
Thanks Roxana. I truly appreciate your response. I will send you a personal message.
Really very grateful to stumble upon this post, even the comments have been so helpful. Thanks Roxanna for this godly yet sane perspective.
I’m in a serious relationship and trying to pull out these roots of domination, control have-it-my-way attitudes before they do real havoc. Taking over the reins seems the sane thing to do as I love to micromanage a lot but then it builds so much resentment.
also, I think I need to learn how to deal with the feeling “they won’t do this task to my taste”. could I get suggestions on that too?
Hi Debby, thanks for the appreciation.
In regards to “they won’t do this task to my taste”. A trick that has worked for me is not asking for help for a task that I know I am stronger in. As I mentioned, everyone has their strengths.
Know what each one of you is stronger at and divide roles accordingly. Say, if you are better at planning, agree with your partner that you will be in charge of planning for holidays, trips, etc and do not keep micromanaging him when you do that. One of the mistakes I make is asking for help with something when I am feeling lazy and then when he starts doing it, I am the irritating voice in his ear. Having a clear division of roles will help.
You did mention that you are trying to get rid of the controlling attitude. I hope you do not beat yourself up about it. I still make some control-freak mistakes and sometimes they cost us financially or worse cost me my husband’s pride. I have learnt to forgive myself (and ask for forgiveness). I am a work in progress as long as I’m seeing progress it is what I focus on. I know that God does too 🙂
We’ve (you and I) had years to practice being boss and it is not easy to shrug that off and let someone else take the reins. The truth is we cannot really control anything, not even our heartbeats. Admitting this to myself, has helped me to an extent to be more gracious in handing over control and also in not rolling my eyes or pulling out my hair when my spouse makes a mistake.
Hope this helps.
Enjoy your relationship 🙂
[email protected]
Thanks abt ur tips I’m the 1 who have the problem of nagging my man.iluv him BT he seems as he don’t care abt me we have 3 yrs together can u plz help me.
Hi Mbali, sorry to hear that you feel this way. Is your man doing something or saying something in particular to make you think that he doesn’t care? I’d love to help you if I can.
@RoxannaAliba
I bought “Stop Nagging” by Rachael Eccles. It helped me a lot.
Hello,
I believe that God is sending my hubby as I type this, while he is restoring me. I thank God for you putting this on the net for me to read. It was just what I needed!
Thank you
I am feeling insecure with my hubby he keeps female friends and hide their communication, but claiming to be helping them, lying abt things I don’t even expect him to being his wife n am addicted to checking his phone to always confirm my prove, I hardly get his attention, he never agree to go for his leave, even if I look forward for it
I m also freak personality. Always ready to fight, all d time bblame him and say wrong words hurt him , even made him cry too. But he still loves me. I don’t know how to make happy home..please help me I don’t want to break my home …
I’m so thankful that I found this blog. My husband and I have been married for 27 yrs. Been together 29. I have always been an opinionated person. He’s been a pastor for the majority of those yrs. he recently resigned his church. He’s constantly saying that I remind him of the church people. He say that it’s a battle of wills between us. After reading a lot of these posts I’ve just got to stopped nagging and voicing my opinion. I know what the Bible says about being submissive to your husband. But, he’s always made bad decisions to me. And his answer is but, didn’t it work out???? Looking for more encouragement to keep my mouth close. HELP!!!!
So glad to have found this. I’ve upset my husband all day because I’ve been nagging him. I honestly don’t realize it most of the time. I hate upsetting him especially while the kids are around and he does tell me I’m doing it I just tend to keep going on and off. This man loves me so much and he would do anything for me and I just feel so bad I’m like this. He said today it had to stop but I’m still trying to figure out how. Like I said before I’m not even realizing it most of the time…
Nagging wives are abusers. When a man does what a nagging wife does, he ends up in jail or divorced. We make movies like Sleeping With the Enemy. Well, how about Napping Next to The Foe? A tale of a man being so derided & verbally abused by his wife that he fakes his own death to get away from her constant criticism.
The section on perspective really hit me hard. I never thought of taking the perspective of my wife. We are going through a rough patch in our marriage. I tend to get tunnel vision when I am arguing with my wife. I am happy that I now have this idea of perspective. Next time we are disagreeing, I will remember to step back, see things how she sees them, and see her side of the argument. This will help with our disagreements. I also want to look into couples therapy; maybe this would help too?
A very helpful article, thank you. I’m determined to stay true to myself and be happy and funny no matter what and i think that will reflect and improve my husband’s behaviour. However I completely object to your word freak. That’s very unkind to women who have had to put up with a lot of mental abuse. I would ask you to rethink your vocabulary choice. But thanks for the rest of the advice.ve positive.