Here it is. Are you ready for it? The ONE tip that will make sex feel great.
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage. I introduce a post, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts below (please, marriage only!).
And today I thought I’d share something quick that can make a huge difference in your marriage.
Here we go.
Do you know why sex doesn’t always feel very good for women?
It’s because sex is primarily in our heads. What we’re THINKING about determines how we’re FEELING.
And that means that to feel good during sex, we have to be thinking positively about it. We have to be able to concentrate so we don’t get distracted.
A few years ago when giving my Girl Talk I explained it like this:
(I’m bringing Girl Talk to the Central USA and Southwest USA in 2016-2017. If your church may want to host me, just ask for an information packet.)
Here’s the problem. We women are multi-taskers. And our bodies don’t kick in unless our brains do first. So, if you’re counting ceiling tiles or planning a grocery list in your head, sex isn’t going to feel good. If you are lying there waiting for him to do exactly the right thing to send you over the edge, you aren’t going to feel good. Because there is nothing he CAN do if your brain isn’t engaged in the process.
So the real question isn’t what super move to do in bed. The real question is how can you get your blasted brain to stop making that grocery list? How can you stop thinking, “I really should be asleep by now. I’m going to be so tired tomorrow.” Or how can you stop thinking, “this is kinda boring. Nothing’s really happening for me right now.”
Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to tell your brain what to think about.
It’s that easy.
When you’re making love, simply ask yourself these two questions:
What feels good right now?
and
Where do I want to be touched right now?
Just those two questions.
Because when you ask those two questions, you start paying attention to your body. You get your brain out of the grocery list and onto more interesting parts of your anatomy. And once you do that, you may just notice that something DOES feel good. And then you can let yourself be carried away by that feeling. You can increase that feeling by directing more of his attention there. You can change position so that it feels even better.
But you keep THINKING about it.
Look, we all see these movies where the wife is doing paperwork or cleaning and he sneaks up behind her and starts feeling her and she’s carried away in raptures. But most of us know that in real life if he were to do that we wouldn’t be carried away. We’d be annoyed because our heads aren’t in the game. Our heads are in the paperwork or the cleaning and so no matter what he does it won’t feel good. We can’t concentrate on sex when we’re doing something else. Multitasking just doesn’t work for us in the sexual realm.
I think, though, that many of us feel that he SHOULD be such a good lover that we can just daydream and think about stuff in bed and somehow whatever he does will feel so good that we’re carried away anyway.
It doesn’t work like that. We have to be active participants–and that means actively thinking about it. We may want to be carried away, but we can only be carried away if we let ourselves think about it.
So try that: just ask yourself, “what feels good right now? What do I want him to touch?” And keep asking that. And you may just notice that it IS feeling good!
“Getting Your Head in the Game” is one of the challenges in my book, 31 Days to Great Sex. And there’s lots more in there to help you prepare for sex and then KEEP your head in the game, so it’s easier to feel good! Check it out today.
Have you ever noticed this phenomenon–that you can’t feel good unless you’re concentrating? Do you find it easy to concentrate–or hard? Let me know in the comments!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave the URL of your marriage post (please, only marriage, no cooking) in the linky below. And then be sure to link back here so other people can read these great posts!
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thank you for the link up, Sheila. Girl, you are so spot-on with that Girl Talk. Laughing with you, but also shaking my head and wanting to cheer! Blessings
Happy Wednesday!! Lovin’ your super adorable blog and all your fantastic ideas. Keep up the great work.
Thanks for hosting another party,
Denise W. & Aubrie B.
So true, and simple, but not always easy if I don’t make a conscious effort. Thank you for posting.
I tried to link my post about marriage, but I don’t think it worked. Going with the flow is about my husband, but also about my daughter.
Sheila, great tip. And I loved the video. Thanks for sharing and providing the linkup. : )
It’s also great to ask yourself periodically, “What am I feeling right now?” Sometimes you might realize that you’re feeling anxious and you have to consciously choose to relax. Makes a world of difference . . .
This is so true! It seems unfair that we sometimes have to work so hard to “get in the game,” but that’s just the way it is, especially at certain stages of life.
Distraction COULD be the issue if a woman is not enjoying sex but one should not assume that by trying to “keep her head in the game” is going to ensure that sex will be enjoyable or feel good. There are so many factors that contribute to how women relate to and enjoy their husband sexually: circumstances, context, mood, fatigue, marital discord, hurt feelings, trauma, age, stage of life, sexual dysfunctions, hormones, vaginal pain and discomfort, lack of healthy sex education, expectations, etc. Good Christian sex therapy may be necessary.
Excellent questions! It’s a challenge for me to focus during sex and just enjoy it. It also helps me to think about my husband and doing what makes him feel extra good. Oftentimes when he is getting more turned on I become more turned on also.
What if I do not have problem with my mind?I want have sex every day, I want all touches,kisses,cums,…but my husband does just one touch,one kiss,after lay on me,make 5up-down and that’s all???no romance, no play…I tried to explain,talk,be initiative… But i am bored now…and just imagination of boring sex is killing me and my love to him…
I was in the exact same boat. It took years, I do mean years, of talking and praying before it finally turned around. It is the most horrible thing to feel sexually frustrated from your husband.
Great post… men get distracted too, believe it or not 😉
I think if we approach sex, with the realization that women and men see and feel sexual intimacy in two totally different ways. Men and women are different in most every other way. It would be helpful if we did not put the responsibility on the wife to make all the changes and work, unless we also tell the husband to make changes and do some work.
We cannot fairly expect for the wife to turn her mind off, if we have place all the chores and childcare inner. This is unrealistic.. And when will we be able to find some men to write some articles on the Internet that can possible help men to know what women need in bed. Women are not made like men. Someone needs to write some instructions to men telling them why women turn off from sex, instead of just telling what men want and need.
As I was reading this, the thought that I had was that men and women might be wired more similarly. Here’s why… since men are “ALWAYS” thinking about sex, we are ready and raring to go at the drop of a hat. I wonder, if men were “distracted” more, if it would take a little longer for us to get in the right frame of mind?