It’s June, the wedding month, so I thought we’d spend a few days talking about what to do on your wedding night.
As my frequent readers know, I have a daughter getting married next month, so this has been a conversation in our house.
And today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d share the top 10 wedding night tips to help you have a great start to your life together!
I asked on my Facebook Page for readers to share their best wedding night tips, and they were awesome! Thank you. So here are the top ones mentioned, plus a few of my own I thought were important.
I’m writing this primarily for women who are virgins on their wedding nights and really don’t know what to expect. But even if you’re sexually experienced, everything is new once you’re married. And so read on–you may pick up some good tips, too!
1. Everything is better if you relax. So let things happen as they’re going to happen–don’t worry about expectations.
Everyone looks forward to the wedding night their whole life. But what people often forget to tell you is that the wedding night comes after the wedding DAY–which is likely the longest day of your life! You’ll be tired. You’ll be spent. And now you’re supposed to have this amazing night!
This is the first night of the rest of your life. You have so much time together. So just enjoy each other and let things happen as they happen. I asked on Facebook for wedding night tips, and one of the most frequent was, “wait for the morning to have sex! You’ll be too tired!”
In my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, about 20% of women didn’t have sex on their wedding nights. Another 20% of women rated their wedding nights as pretty awful in terms of sexual pleasure. But you know what? If you follow these women for ten years, they end up rating their sex lives then exactly the same as the women who had amazing wedding nights!
All that is to say that the QUALITY of sex you have really doesn’t matter in the long run. Once you get practice it’s all going to work out fine. So don’t worry–just have fun getting to know each other and relax about it.
(And I have tons of tips in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex about how to do just that–how to relax and how to make it feel better!)
2. Think about spending the wedding night at home
Instead of heading straight off to a honeymoon destination, consider spending your first night in your new home. You’ll feel more comfortable, and it will feel more “permanent” or real.
3. Beware of hotel beds that are too soft.
If you do go to a hotel, though, that’s fine. But a little heads up: for sex to work well you need a little bit of leverage. He needs something to brace against to push, or else he can tend to put too much weight on you. And you need to be positioned enough that the angle is right (I explain in more detail in my book).
Ironically, hotel beds tend to be just AWFUL for this, because they go for softness. When you sink into a mattress it may feel luxurious, but it’s often not the best for sex.
The solution sometimes is to turn 180 degrees so that your feet are against the headboard. This gives him a little more leverage. Or ask for a hotel with a “dial a bed” so that you can make the bed firmer if it’s too soft.
(Also, if you are going to a hotel, ask for a room with a king sized bed rather than a room with two queens. It can actually be hard to sleep with someone lying next to you, so go for a bigger bed.)
4. Think baths & massages.
Want to relax as you’re getting to know each other? Think jacuzzi tub (or even a plain bathtub!). Think massage oil and giving each other whole body massages. It will help you be naked together with something to do–other than just have sex! And showering and taking baths is a great way to feel intimate and get used to each other.
One note: movies make jacuzzi sex seem easy and so much fun! It can be fun to “fool around”, but the angle is awfully hard to get right in a jacuzzi. Have fun, but if you have to move to the bed for the “main event”, that’s honestly okay. And likely a lot easier.
5. Take some lubrication!
For some people the first time hurts; for some it really doesn’t. If it does hurt, it won’t for very long (and if it hurts because it’s too tight, that’s a different issue. Just keep working on relaxing, and if after a few days it still doesn’t work, read this).
But you can help everything feel more comfortable by taking some lubrication with you, like Astroglide or even coconut oil.
6. Think clean up! It can be messy.
Have some towels or Kleenex by the bed. It can be a lot messier than you think.
7. Cranberry juice is your friend.
If you’ve never had sex before, and now you’re suddenly going to “try” new things a whole bunch of times in the next few days, that’s a big jolt to your body. It’s hardly surprising that one of the most common reasons for going to the doctor during one’s honeymoon is urinary tract infections.
But you can avoid these! Just pee after each time you have sex (urine is actually sterile and can “clean out” all the extra stuff there) and drink some cranberry juice. You’ll be fine. And make sure he urinates, too! It’s much better for both of you and a good habit to get into.
8. Bring something else to do on the honeymoon.
If you’re going to a hotel or a honeymoon destination for a few days, you’re going to need something else to do. Seriously. You can’t have sex all the time.
There are plenty of other things to do on your honeymoon that will still provide quality time together. Bring some board games two people can play. Bring a computer with Netflix on it. Bring bathing suits to go swimming or work out gear. Bring good sneakers so you can go for a hike or play tennis.
The last thing you want is to be stuck in your hotel room, bored, with a remote control, skipping through old episodes of CSI.
9. Bring some pyjamas. And a robe. And a sweater.
Lingerie is wonderful, and every woman should have some for her wedding night and honeymoon! We all feel a little less self-conscious with a little bit of fabric.
But remember: hotel air conditioning can be notoriously cold. Bring some actual pyjamas. And a robe. And a sweater. Or you just may freeze!
One bride wrote on my Facebook page that they forgot clothes altogether. They went straight to the hotel room from the reception and didn’t have a bag of clothes. They were stuck in their room the whole next day and missed the breakfast until a relative came and rescued them!
10. Practice Makes Perfect!
One woman wrote on Facebook: “my husband always says, ‘first night is highly overrated; so get it over with and practice, practice, practice!’ ”
I think that’s good advice!
I hope you’re able to relax and have a great time getting to know each other on your wedding night. Remember, I have a whole chapter of wedding night tips in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and I hope that it helps you start your marriage in a fun, stress-free way.
Now, do any of you have any great wedding night tips? Leave them in the comments–and then share this on Facebook and Pinterest to help out all the new brides you know who may be too embarrassed to ask!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Me and my wife never had a honeymoon so I would not know what its like. I don’t think I would enjoy a honeymoon at this point in life being married almost 19 years.
Where is your sense of Adventure Sir?? It is good for couples to get away from the home every once in awhile. Go enjoy being together! Do not get all caught up in doing same old things from day too day. Take a break! You may just find out how exciting and fun you each can actually be. Besides it’s important to keep dating your wife once after your married at least once a week!
A friend told me to take two tylenol and a glass of wine before to help with any pain after. I agree with a warm bath too- helps you relax and loosens everything up. 🙂
I think the best advice that made my wedding night so special was actually given only to my husband. Being a man, my husband is not naturally very vocal, but his brothers say him down a few days before our wedding and told him to say what he’s thinking out loud on our wedding night. It was so encouraging and reassuring! I had never been more nervous in my life and to have him telling me, out loud, with words, that he loved what he was seeing and that he thought everything that was happening was awesome and that it was great was so so wonderful for me. It definitely helped me to relax!
That’s really beautiful!
Sheila, I just wanted to thank you! I’m getting married in a few months and bought your book- it has encouraged me so much and has made me even more excited for our honeymoon! Growing up in a very legalistic fundamental background combined with being sexually abused when I was a young girl, I have always struggled with different views on sex. I am blessed to have a loving, understanding fiance and because of my past we’ve had to talk a lot about things that I think most engaged couples don’t, but it’s been so encouraging and eye opening. Thank you for being biblical but also fun! Ironically our marriage counselor is having me read a Christian sex book, it’s an older one- like you, I read it in the bathtub and wanted to cry and flush it down the toilet! Maybe it’s the same one?! 😂 Thank goodness I have your book, and after we are married I plan on getting the “31 Days to Great Sex!” Now whenever I go to a friend’s lingerie shower I include a copy of your book, “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex”! They love it 😉
Ditto on the comfy lounge clothes! Especially if you’re going to be traveling. I bought myself a really cute sweatsuit – it was pink and had satin stripes up the sides – to wear when we flew to our honeymoon destination the day after our wedding. After being basically trussed up in my wedding gown for most of the day before, spending the day in comfy clothes was such a treat.
My husband and I have a special wedding gift we give to friends we know well enough to do this for. It’s a small basket and a set of plain white hand towels. We give it to them in private and explain that these are THE Towels. They live in a discreet place next to the bed and are for one purpose. They’re easy to tell apart from the rest of the towels in the house for washing (unless the rest of the towels in your house are white too – ours aren’t). And they come in very handy.
One thing I will tell my 5 daughters (only one married yet) is that they should learn as soon as possible to love being naked around the new hubby and wowing him with their booty. He will think its great and it is very bonding to have your lover enjoy and revel in your beauty and the treasure of skin on skin touch. The power a naked woman has over a man has many right uses so let the world go bye and use your power to make a marriage that is filled with delight!!
Roman Stolzfoos said, “The power a naked woman has over a man has many right uses.”
I’m writing this nearly a year later, but it’s almost June, and I and my sweetie will celebrate 53 years together on June 1, and I still love to see her the way Adam first saw Eve. I’ve marked the Song of Solomon up in my Bible, and one thing that stands out is that the groom continually praises his bride’s body, and in some very specific ways re certain intimate/private parts (though much of this is disguised as metaphors).
Roman comments that a bride should learn to be naked around her hubby and wow him with her bottom. I agree. In Song of Solomon 7:1b the groom praises “the joints of thy thighs” (KJV). The NKJV substitutes “curves” for joints, and the NIV takes a different tack and says “graceful legs.” The simple fact is that the Hebrew is difficult to translate here, and possibly the translators were playing with terms they feared would sound a bit course to write in a Bible. Roman’s reference to “booty” seems to fit here, though I suspect that “bottom” or backside” is meant by “joints.” Here’s why: Possibly the question most husbands fear to answer is, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” Unsaid is the real issue–the part of her anatomy many wives are most conscious of is what she sits on. It’s also the part that many men notice (after her face).
So brides, don’t fear to use this to entice him, now that he’s yours. He’ll love it! Consider, too: one poll found that the typical wife wants to be a size 7 or 8. But the typical husband prefers her to be size 12. So if you’re built like a model for Rubens, show him, and enjoy his praise.
P.S. to husbands: the answer to that question is “NO!” Always.
All great tips! A tip given to my husband and I was to have someone pack a goodie bag of food from the reception to put in your getaway car. Sounds silly, but if you didn’t eat much during the excitement and craziness of your reception, the last thing you want to be thinking about when you get to your hotel room is where to find food.
Yes! Our hotel left us chocolate covered strawberries in our room and we were so hungry that we were shoving them in our mouths. Not sexy at all hahah! We ended up going to Burger King – also not sexy!
Also, I’ve heard that some reception halls will pack a to-go container of the wedding food for the bride and groom – it might be something to ask about!
Absolutely, our caterer filled a picnic basket for us.
I think it is so important that a woman realizes that her wedding night will be special, but it might not turn out the way they think. It is much more difficult to have sex than the movies portray. I would say this is a great list. Relaxing is key.
A tip I want to share is to let your husband take off your wedding dress….. It was such a sensual and intimate experience it really set the mood. I still remember it!
Also I cringe when I hear advice to use coconut oil as a lubricant. Feels amazing yes but if you use it with condoms it is incompatible with latex! So if you’re using condoms for birth control stick with the approved lubricants! ;). Otherwise yes enjoy!!
Great tips! But I would actually totally disagree with the king bed vs. 2 queen bed choice. Unless you’re planning to have room service come change your bed sheets before actual “sleep” time, a second – clean – bed is helpful. Our 5-star hotel changed our bedding when they saw us go out for dinner (we had a morning wedding and stayed at a local hotel), but it’s not something I thought to ask for. (I guess that’s why they’re a 5-star hotel, right?) Just something to consider! Of course, towels can help, too, but may be not as “romantic”.
I forgot clothes too. I had to sneak out of the hotel in an outfit fashioned from shopping bags and my wrap. It was extremely embarrassing! But it is a funny story now! Sometimes the silly things are the funniest. So don’t worry about everything being perfect!
Wow, I’ll put these tips in mind when I get married. I guess this post will come in handy when that time comes. Very informative. Good Job Sheila! I’ll definitely bookmark this.
Our wedding night was not very good sexually. Now after over 40 years our sex life is amazing and getting more wonderful every time. Remember marriage is for life so what if it is not great the first time. Practising is great fun!
Some really good tips. I second the peeing immediately after sex. We did but i still got a UTI but towards the very end of our week honeymoon. Also my sister told me the first time sex doesn’t ever have to be painful or bloody when the virgin barrier is broken if you go slow and take time for penetration. This helped us on our honeymoon. We got a honeymoon suit and had room service for dinner..only time we’ve ever done this..and got two super cozy robes for free..which we still have and use.
Oh my this post brought back so many fond and not so fond memories! My husband and I will have been married one year in August. We were both virgins and read some Kevin Lehman books and I also read Shelia’s Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. We (appropriately) discussed some things prior to the honeymoon just to put me at ease mainly. I was super nervous about getting out of my wedding dress and just being naked so we talked about letting me put on a bralette that matched my underwear (Foxers for the win!) after he took off my dress. The night before our wedding, Chuck gave a journal to our maid of honor to give to me that contained his thoughts and prayers for our marriage as well as selections from Song of Solomon and his pure joy and excitement about becoming one. I read the whole thing in tears as I got my hair done the next day. So precious. As far as that night, it was beautiful and special and perfect. We went to a nearby bed and breakfast so we didn’t have to travel far. The intimacy and closeness was just incredible. I loved it. But the sex itself was horrible. I hurt and started bleeding and ended up bleeding for days. It was pretty rough. Lots of tears. Chuck was great through it all. The next morning we had After we spent a couple of days at the bed and breakfast we went to Naples, Florida. We both ended up getting so sunburnt that sex was out of the question. So use sunscreen! From personal experience, I also found that being on birth control was supressing my sex drive dramatically. So I got off of it almost right after the honeymoon. (Condoms for the win!) After almost a year of marriage, overall sex is great. I don’t think I’ve experienced an orgasm but I’ve maybe come close. I try not to stress about it. I focus on the intimacy and enjoyment of being close. It’s been frustrating at times. Some positions still hurt me. Many tears have been shed. And sometimes I don’t understand why it’s difficult for me when I feel like I should be rewarded for waiting and being a virgin. But God’s plan is still perfect and I wouldn’t have wanted to experience this with anyone other than Chuck who has committed himself to being my partner for life. Marriage is so awesome!
This…this is exactly how God intended sex inside marriage to unfold. It’s deeper than just the act of doing. It’s the connecting of souls, and that happens out side of the marriage bed. It sounds like you found an incredible man of God to share your life with, including learning and growing your sex life. I can tell you after many years of marriage, it’s wonderful.
Great advice…I’ve just written a collection of articles about wedding night advice as well. With so much thought given to the wedding, the wedding night is often overlooked!
All of these women are so lucky to have seemingly compassionate and understanding husbands.
Hi,it’s late to ask but plz help me out….am 23yrs old and getting married next year…am a virgin and very scared about sex..it has made me reject men who wanted to marry me.I heard my friends share experiences that sex is so painful and bloody.I’m very scared of it that I feel to leave my boyfriend…i don’t have someone to talk to.please help me.you can email me too to help
In our inexperienced honeymoon, our first night/bedroom was above the bar. It didn’t happen again! I wish we would have waited also the first eve- maybe it was all the noise below that kept me tense… but it’s been great ever since- 17 yrs & going!
While most couples dream a lot about honeymoons, they are already too exhausted with the unending wedding rituals to think of an elaborate honeymoon. That is why it is always sensible to leave some days gap between wedding and honeymoon. Great post and nice tips. Looking forward to more such posts.