Do too many of us women “let ourselves go” once we’re married?
Last night we held a bridal shower for close family and close family friends at my house for my oldest daughter, and we got talking afterwards.
And today I’m in a chatty mood, so I thought I’d share some of our thoughts, some of our conversations, and a few pictures.
Last night, at the shower, we played a game I made up called “match these romantic quotes to movies”. It was actually pretty fun–I might write a post on things to do at wedding showers after all this is over and provide a download. Becca’s had about 4 showers, so we’ve had lots of samples of different games I could share with you! (UPDATE: You can download the “name that movie quote” bridal shower game here).
But at the end of the end of the evening we got talking with Donna, a friend of mine but also an especially close friend of the girls since she was their youth leader for years.
(Seriously–can you see why I need the photography bundle? Why are my photos always blurry?!?!)
Donna’s a newlywed herself. During the shower I was passing around a notebook so that everyone could write in marriage advice (Katie’s to her sister: “Don’t get pregnant on your honeymoon!“). And as we discussed all of it after most people had left, we got talking about how far too many women let themselves go.
Now I am not trying to shame anyone this morning.
I know that many of us deal with weight issues. I know that many of us are exhausted with little kids, and really–everyone should get a pass while the kids are under 18 months old. Seriously. It’s tough.
But at some point you’ve got to let yourself be a woman again.
Rebecca said last night, “Of course your husband is supposed to love you no matter what and always find you beautiful no matter what. But do you really want to test the ‘no matter what’?” She’s got a point. I mean, how would we feel if he tested it for us?
When we say those vows, we’re not just vowing to stay committed our whole lives. We’re vowing to create an assume, dynamic marriage our whole lives–inasmuch as it depends on us.
And I think that means making some effort to show that you still take pride in yourself and in your husband.
You still think of yourself as a woman first. You still respect yourself.
And always wearing yoga pants or sweat pants and shapeless t-shirts and shapeless ponytails or stringy hair just doesn’t do that.
It really doesn’t.
I wrote a blog series a few years ago called “Fight the Frump”, and on day 1 I showed how I can make myself look perfectly presentable–nice clothes, jewelry, basic makeup, fluffed up hair–in under 4 minutes. It doesn’t take a lot of time.
Behold the before and after pics:
That’s it–just four minutes.
Read the whole series on fighting the frump. There are also posts on makeup, accessories, and more (the links are in that first post).
In fact, it takes no more time in the morning to put on a flattering top as it does to put on a shapeless t-shirt. It takes no more time to put on a pair of jeans that fit nicely than it does to put on a pair of sweat pants (okay, maybe you have to do up a zipper with a pair of jeans. But that’s not too much to ask). And, in fact, in the summer it takes less time to put on a pretty sundress than it does to put on ugly shorts and a baggy t-shirt!
And when you take care in your appearance, you feel more motivated throughout the day.
You walk with an extra spring in your step! It’s like Flylady, the housekeeping wizard, always says: “Put on your shoes!” When you have shoes on, you feel like you’re at work. And then you actually get stuff done.
This isn’t even a weight issue. There are enough clothing choices available that you can find clothes that flatter–just watch a few episodes of What Not to Wear. It’s all about whether or not we’re willing to put in the effort.
Whenever I talk about this I inevitably have women say, “my husband doesn’t like me to dress up. He likes the girl next door look with no makeup and with jeans, not skirts or girly things.” And perhaps that’s true. Some people can pull it off nicely. But honestly: look at those two pictures. Which one would most husbands feel more comfortable with? Which one would a husband feel proud to walk out of the house with?
I think men should think we’re beautiful even without makeup, but that doesn’t mean that we should never put in an effort for him to say, “I want you to see that I still want to look good for you. Sure, you’ve promised you’ll love me no matter what, but I love myself, too, I love our marriage, and I want you to be super proud!”
That’s just one bit of marriage advice we talked about, but I think it’s an important one.
Here’s one little thing that I do, that I thought of after writing all these posts on fighting the frump! (Blogging about marriage really does make you more intentional about your own marriage!). Every night, about 15 minutes before Keith gets home, I go upstairs and put on a bit of makeup and change into a really nice shirt or a sundress, if I’ve been wearing more leisurely clothes earlier. I just like to greet him at the door looking my best. Not because I’m an object, and not because I’m being shallow, but because it’s part of how I can honour him.
What about you? Do you struggle with letting yourself go? Do you find this is a common problem with women that you know? How do you “fight the frump”? Let me know in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
But you look sooooooo comfy in the before pic! Haha, I fall in the “women with kids under 18 months” club, so I rock out my tank tops and yoga pants all day. Luckily, I actually do yoga, so my husband doesn’t object to me in those clothes. But I totally agree that we shouldn’t give up and let ourselves go. My husband does Crossfit to entice me (his words, LOL), and I have to say, I really appreciate it! #sexyhubbsclub
I am really trying to do more yoga–I am just SO inflexible! And I love the way I feel stronger when I do it. But it’s really HARD. I have a lot of respect for women who have mastered some of those poses!
As I sit here wearing a baggy t-shirt and yoga pants at 9:45 a.m. reading this article, I am inspired to put on real clothes. lol. But seriously, this is a great article. I challenged myself over the past year to pull myself together a little better every day. It’s not difficult and I do feel more confident and productive.
That “more productive” thing is so important for me, too. I just find I get more done when I get out of the PJs mode. 🙂
From a male perspective – it’s important for men to acknowledge the extra effort their wives put into looking their best – even if it isn’t specifically for the husband’s eyes.
Everyone needs positive feedback, and that is one of the pillars of the mutual support that is supposed to be a part of marriage.
So true! Thanks for saying that, Andrew!
I have heard women say this before “why should I fix myself up/keep myself up? I’m married already/I got my man already”. My wife can walk around in a nightgown all day long if she has nowhere to go and i’m not talking about a little sexy number, i’m talking about the cotton below the knee nightgown, which is fine. But she never puts on makeup or fixes herself up unless she goes to a festival pageant with our daughter or something. As a man I would love to see my wife “doll” herself up sometimes because I like seeing her like that. The other day she had on a shirt that had bare shoulders and I told her she looked “hot” in that. She just rolled her eyes and laughed as “yea right”. Even though married life can be very frustrating I love my wife very much and I can’t see myself without her. It’s said that you can’t teach a old dog new tricks and its like that in marriage too. When you are married for awhile you get set in your ways and refuse to change.
Matt, thank you for sharing your perspective. It’s very important for women to hear what our husbands are thinking because too often we are wondering and they won’t open up!
Be patient and persistent with those compliments you give your wife. She may seem not to like them, but she does. You might want to use different adjectives; “gorgeous, attractive, beautiful” instead of “hot, sexy” because she may perceive those as invitations for physical intimacy rather than simply loving compliments.
Find her love language and pour into it. Then gently ask again for what you want. If she’s filled to the brim with love in her language, she will be more willing to reciprocate with your requests to look attractive for you.
I’m sorry you’re going through that, Matt. I actually haven’t heard women say exactly that–I think most women just don’t think about it, or we get so down on ourselves we stop trying. But it’s just wrong.
Matt, I recognize myself in your wife’s response to your compliment, and maybe I can offer that perspective to complete yours. I realized not long ago that after years of staying home after giving up a career I loved and was good at (and was praised often for!) for being on-call 24/7 doing endless and unnoticed chores…and not getting much/any positive feedback.. I began to believe I wasn’t worth much…except when someone wanted something from me. It seemed the only time I got a compliment or a loving touch/backrub/offer to take over a chore was when my husband was feeling amorous. It’s hard to want sex or receive compliments if you truly think you aren’t valued/attractive/treasured. An out-of-place and possibly manipulative compliment feels foreign and frankly, off-putting, re-affirming worthlessness rather than value.
And, if you’re having any difficulties at home at all, or she’s got anything going on at all (weight? job? fatigue? young kids/babies in the house? stay-at-home frazzle?) she’s probably feeling pretty down on herself. WITHOUT the intent to manipulate her, can I encourage you to focus on HER needs for six months without expecting anything in return? Praise her talents often, encourage her interests, remind her of the many reasons you married her…and assure her that those reasons are still there (plus any new ones!) and will STILL be there when this hard phase is done? You may find it’s like watering a seedling–it may take a long time to see fruit–but hang in there! Just remember, though, the fruit you’re looking for is her feeling treasured, not more sex or more makeup! (One thing may well take care of the other!)
(May I also ask you to reflect on your OWN dress/hygiene/physical fitness, too? Women are often held to a different standard than men.)
Best.
Well said, Minou. Agreed.
I’m 48 and love to be called hot or sexy. My thoughts would be that it’s very individual.
Thank you Shelia for this post today. As a married woman of 33 years, I can attest to the looking your best for him. My husband has also told me I don’t have to wear makeup and dress up for him, but oh how he lavishes his affections on me when I do! Many compliments and much attention. If we women KNOW that men are visual, why wouldn’t we want his eyes to look at us rather than the women that DO take time to make themselves look great?
Preach it, sister!
I so agree!!! My husband actually likes my workout attire (but I try to buy cute clothes) but I always freshen up before he comes home. A few years ago I went on a fitness Journey after getting my marriage back where The Lord wanted it. I realized I had became depressed and totally let myself go and it wasn’t fair to me or my husband. I have a huge heart to help other women see their value in Christ and let them know they are worth investing in!
That sounds like quite the transformation. Yay!
I would love to learn more about the fitness journey you mention.
Shaunti Feldhan has a great chapter about this in For Women Only. I think it is fair to say that our appearance is far more important to our men than most women realize. And a lot of times it does not involve a major body makeover; it is like what Sheila did above–a four minute makeover speaks volumes. Work with what you’ve got! Take care of what you’ve got!
That said, like your post not long ago, Sheila, this too is not a one-size-fits-all rule. Some men, like my husband, honestly don’t notice. I had been reading advice like this and making a lot of effort to look nice for my husband and was continually frustrated that he never seemed to notice. Because my husband is a really good guy and it didn’t make sense that he would see the effort and not say something, so I finally asked him and he was like a deer in headlights. He honestly had not noticed! Ha! I was getting offended because “the books” say he is supposed to be one way and it just plain doesn’t apply to my husband. That said, most guys will probably lie about how important it is to them because they know it isn’t politically correct and it sounds shallow. A better way is to ask your husband about his favorites. “What hairstyle do you like best on me? What shirt is your favorite?” Etc. That is much safer! :-p
Great idea, Kay! Those questions would probably make most men feel honoured, too.
This is so true! I had an experience much like yours. Turns out my husband doesn’t really like most of what the books say he will! He likes it when I look “ready for action” (not the sex kind of action, the “getting things done” kind of action) — sweat pants or shorts and tank tops or t-shirts. So casual it is for me. 🙂 I have a lot of different styles of “casual” that gives me some options. I love it! I do wear makeup and do my hair every day but I always dress down as well. I like it, too, because it’s easy to fit in a quick workout or go work in my garden without worrying about having to change my clothes. I also have a 10 month old and a 3 year old so we get messy quite a bit, especially in the summer! We love having the freedom to get dirty without worrying about our clothes.
Of course, we all have nicer things as well that we save for special occasions — birthdays, going out to eat, church, etc. It’s nice to have some variety in life!
After having two kids and post-partum mood disorders after both, I have really done my body a disservice. This really distresses me not just because I would like to remain attractive to my hubby (who, of course, thinks I am the prettiest wife in the world), but because I truly believe that your body is your temple. Respecting yourself and your body is respecting the gift of life that God granted you. Does one have to be model thin. NO! To be the weight I was when I met my husband I have to work out 20 hours a week. On top of a full time job, keeping our house clean, and caring for my family I do not have the much time. I do run every morning I can, do small exercises at work when I can, and try to walk during lunch time. It is not much and will not get me that thin again, but it shows my family I value taking care of myself just as much as I value taking care of them.
I do need suggestions. For one reason or another I am very sensitive to things on my skin. I had a allergic reaction to commercial lotion so my doctor restricted me to organic lotions, sunscreen, and make-up. Since, I have never been a big make-up wearer, I do not wear make-up. I do like to wear clothes, but I am very hard on them. Does anyone know of stores where I can buy clothing that is either eco-friendly, 100% cotton/wool/bamboo/etc., or hypoallergenic for cheap? I really, really cannot wear polyester for the skin issue I mentioned before. Any suggestions for nice clothes?
MountainWife, my go to place is consignment stores. You can get really high quality clothes super cheap. If you don’t have any in your area, maybe a nearby city? A consignment store is really different from a thrift shop, because they often have only brand names. But they’re still relatively inexpensive, and my girls find it really fun to shop there!
My skin is very sensitive and I have great luck with Origins products. Go into Sephora or Ulta, get a makeover (free!) with the products, buy NOTHING… then go home and look on eBay for whatever you loved from the skin routine. With great skin you will not even need makeup!! (Although I happen to use some nude shades to highlight my eyes and put color on my cheeks). Also, may I suggest Soma Intimates? The softest fabric you will ever touch!! Mucho dinero at the mall, but if you can find an outlet with sale items, I got adorable supersoft camis for $4 a piece!!! :). Wearing then right now… 😉
My husband actually gets upset when I put on makeup! He likes the natural look. I don’t own sweatpants, and he likes my hair natural. He calls make up “fake up”. So how do you know that all of the make up and hairspray and jewelry is really what he wants? Maybe he truly loves you for you!
I’m with you, Brandy! I put on makeup for the first time in months yesterday for a “fancy date” with my husband, and he couldn’t wait for me to take it off. (I’m talking like the very basics… Concealer and mascara, artfully placed.) If I want to look nice for him on a daily basis, I curl my hair a little or wear a green shirt, because he likes that it matches my eyes. Those are the things he actually compliments me on! Ladies, know your man– they’re not ALL into makeup!!
I really do want to dress nicely and look good but I struggle with having only a few pieces of clothing that look nice and actually fit me. I have gained over 40 pounds the last three years. I have hesitated from purchasing new clothing because I was actually trying to lose weight and it seemed like a waste of money. We are a one income family so we have to be careful. But then when I do go and buy some clothes, I first of all get overwhelmed with trying to pick clothes, and then I get home and hate everything I bought. I think I need to become rich and hire a personal shopper, ha!
Erica, I think you have a dilemma that almost every woman has! I gained about 20 pounds over 3 years (but I’ve lost it recently with some health issues and just stopping going to restaurants altogether).
But why don’t you go shopping with a friend and invest in one good pair of jeans and three flattering tops? That’s really all you need to get started. And it’s better to get high quality stuff that looks good on you than a ton of stuff you don’t really like. Most of us have friends who would LOVE to give us a makeover if we just ask.
And if you start feeling good about yourself, ironically you may also start to lose some of the weight, too.
I have the same problem. I don’t have much time or energy to shop. It takes an hour to drive to a decent store from my small town. I don’t feel that anything looks good on me right now. I have gained a lot of weight and most of it is in my belly, which rules out a lot of fashion choices. :/
Here are my ideas that I think will work for any weight: Accessories! A lightweight, patterned scarf that will coordinate with a white or black shirt (or both!) will stretch your wardrobe options. Also, a brightly colored jewelry set (earrings and necklace, or even better with an additional matching bracelet) can be added to a plain top for instant pizzaz. A bib necklace (ask a sales clerk or google the description) can go well with a high neckline or a scoop/V-neck top. Personally, I’ve even felt my mood lift just from slipping on a pretty patterned headband that has received compliments, and I have short hair. A long, colorful scarf can also double as a headband or a an eye-catching belt. All of these can be had for $15 or less at Target, Marshalls, or department store sales.
I think I must’ve started reading you about that time. It has been interesting to me. I decided to make a more pointed effort after mentioning to my husband how I’d read this article about dressing nicer for your husband. When he didn’t deny that he’d kind of like that maybe better than the tshirt/sweatshirt jeans look, I’ve been doing for the last 20 years, I decided to make the change. Now, I wear a tshirt a couple days a week, but I’ve started wearing tank tops in the summer, and layering them a bit. Even sometimes putting on jewelry! Gasp! I don’t know how much he’s noticing, but I notice! And I feel better about myself! And people are always asking if I’ve lost weight. (which I haven’t really! But that’s another subject.) And recently, I bought some non-sneaker style shoes. That was huge for me, and I have had several compliments! I’m worth it!
I love that people ask you if you’ve lost weight! I think when we have more confidence we just look “lighter”!
I SEVERLY STRUGGLE with letting myself go. It’s actually quite shameful. I work from home with our commercial landscape business and sometimes I don’t even get out of my pajamas! Pitiful!! I have a VERY difficult time motivating myself to do ANYTHING positive when it comes to my appearance. Sad thing even more so, is my husband has commented about my lack of not being ready. Not in a mean way, but definitely letting me know his displeasure in it. Rightfully so.
I want to snap out of it, I just obviously don’t want it bad enough m.
You can do it, Michelle! The key is to have a few key pieces in your wardrobe–like some nice jeans and a few nice tops. That’s all you need. You don’t need a whole wardrobe–just enough to get you through the week. You can even ask him what kind of tops he likes!
In my sister’s Sunday school class they did a survey of the men asking if they’d rather come home to dinner on the table or their wife looking put together. Every single husband answered that they’d prefer to see their wife looking presentable than to have dinner ready. It was a really good reminder because I’m tempted to use those extra 10 minutes to tidy up the house–the toddler turns every inch into a disaster–rather than throw on a pair of real pants and run a brush through my hair. I think this is such an important post. If asked, I’m sure my husband would say that he doesn’t care what I’m wearing, and he means it. He probably doesn’t really notice that I put in a coordinated outfit or touched up my makeup, but he does respond positively to the effect of that extra effort even if he’s not sure what I’ve done differently. Men react to the visual cues, and I feel more attractive and receptive to his attention because I shift my focus to him for a few minutes before he walks in the door. It doesn’t happen every day, but I can tell a difference when I put in some extra effort.
That is so interesting, Ashley. I think I may put that up on Facebook and let people know!
Four minutes might work if you have short hair, but with longer hair, it takes longer than that! To flat iron mine takes at least 15-20 minutes. And I can’t even do that any more because it’s damaging my hair too much. And in the summer it’s way too hot for anything but a bun or pony tail anyway. My husband prefers long hair so I don’t want to cut it too short. Curly only works when the humidex is exactly right.
I’m grateful that my husband says my butt looks best in Lululemons and he doesn’t care about make up either. He hates lipstick especially! I do wear make up when I leave the house but a few hours later my eyes are so itchy I take it off with a baby wipe. I’ve tried numerous mascaras with the same result. My sister has the same problem. Lovely genetics lol.
Ponytails and buns aren’t the only things you can do with long hair. Go on youtube and look for hair tutorials. You can do some really cool things with your hair all up or half up. Some of them only takes about 2 minutes longer than a ponytail.
I have long hair and for years I only wore ponytails/ buns to school. I still have to tie up my hair every day, but this last few months I’ve been trying new things with my hair and it’s really fun. Nice hair and earrings make me feel better. Even if I’m just going to throw on a huge lab coat and goggles as soon as I get to work.
Love that! I also love some of the hairclips from Lilla Rose that make buns super easy and really quite attractive. You can see YouTube videos on them, too!
My eyes are itchy with mascara, too! I’ve tried a bunch of different brands and I have found some that work. I think it’s the interaction of the mascara with my contacts that does it as well. I’m trying to find a good brand to wear at my daughter’s wedding.
I hear you about the long hair. My girls often put it up really fast, and a messy bun can look quite attractive with the right accessories! And earrings look great with a messy bun.
I LOVE ere perez natural mascara. I have sensitive skin so only really use natural makeup – though my eyes aren’t typically sensitive. But this is the best natural mascara I have used to date. It is so smooth unlike some clumpy natural ones.
Have you tried a lip stain in place of lipstick? It’s not sticky/messy (which is what guys often hate about lipstick). With the right color, it can look really natural, but just gives you that little ‘extra’. It really easy to apply and you don’t have to worry about getting it on your teeth or drinking glass or anything!
Looking nice for my beloved. Oh my. This is such an “interesting” thing in our marriage. As long as I am happy, hubby is happy is the answer he gives when asked if he likes something or not. Both of us want to please the other. Therefore, we have a difficult time telling the other our personal preference because we want to make it easy for the other. This isn’t a problem but a blessing except for a couple of little details. One, I truly want to know what he likes so that I can honor him and wear, fix myself accordingly. Two, rarely do our personal styles jive. Because our personal clothing styles are so far apart I really truly need him to tell me if he does or does not like a particular outfit, hairstyle, etc. A year or so ago I once again gave it a go and asked about his preference for my hair. The same whatever I like answer came out when finally, in exasperation, I pinned him down on an actual answer as to whether he prefers my hair long or short. I almost fell over when he finally announced he liked it long. I still don’t know if he really does prefer it long or simply said that because he thinks I prefer it long. Can you see the never-ending circle we go round? LOL. It’s something we now laugh at after almost 25 years. In the beginning? Not so much. Thank you, however, for the reminder of how easy it is to take a few moments for a nicer look.
At the risk of being too wordy, another perspective on the looking nice for your spouse is one my husband shared with me early in our relationship. He says that the way I present myself is something others use to create their opinion of what kind of husband he is or is not. If I present myself in a sloppy, dirty, unkept manner, it tells others that my husband isn’t worth fixing up for so therefore must be a poor husband. When I am tidy and well kept, it tells those I come in contact with that I am a well cared for and well-loved wife. I realize there are always exceptions to every point of view, but my husband’s words have caused me to sit and ponder long and hard many a time. This perspective helped me get outside of myself long enough to see that I am influencing others’ opinions of my husband and his care of and for me, whether I intend to or not. How I look isn’t only about me and how I feel on any given day. It is much broader than that. My husband is beyond understanding of the fact that I homeschool and still have several young children so don’t always have a ton of time to fix up. Oh how his eyes light up when he sees that I have put on a little bit of eyeliner and mascara. Little things carry the potential for large benefits.
Thanks for those thoughts, Becky! I understand the dilemma in neither of you wanting to express a clear opinion. I’ll be talking more about how personalities impact marriage on Thursday. I hope that I can help some of this dilemma!
To all the women claiming their husband’s don’t like fancy stuff, or makeup, I think I would like to offer a better rule:
When I was dating my husband, I wore more makeup then I do now. I was a makeup artist for a mineral makeup company. And though I still wear their makeup, I don’t make it absolutely perfect every day or match my eye-shadow to every outfit like I used to. BUT, obviously he liked me that way. He liked to look at the cool colors I had on and try to pick out what I’d used that day. I am a girly girl and I like to look extremely fancy whenever there is an occasion for it. He knew that going in. If he didn’t like makeup, he would have gone for a sporty girl. Even if I liked a guy who liked sporty girls, they would never have liked me, because obviously the makeup and heels wouldn’t be attractive to them.
SO. If you date someone and you aren’t a makeup wearer, you’d prefer to wear hiking clothes or your hair back in a pony tail, obviously when you marry you shouldn’t just start wearing makeup and change your style just because other people tell you to. If that is what your husband likes, stick with it. However, if I were to start looking slouchy after getting married, that would be what you call a bait and switch. Whatever your style was when he was originally attracted to you is what you should keep.
P.S. I don’t understand what this thing is with yoga pants everyone is talking about. I’m an XS (0) and I look hella good in yoga pants. I consider yoga pants and yoga leggings to be part of a sexy outfit. Tight black yoga pants with a nice shirt, heels and matching jewelry is hott.
P.P.S. Oh, and I do try make sure my makeup/hair looks good before my husband comes home. Even if I have to hide from him in the bathroom for 10 minutes. And I never wear t-shirts unless I’m giving haircuts.
P.P.P.S I have had him say I still look beautiful without makeup, but a lot of it is the way *I* feel about myself. I hate my skin and can’t stand to look in the mirror if I don’t have my makeup. It doesn’t matter how many times you tell a woman she is beautiful if she doesn’t believe it about herself. I would say that the best time to compliment your wife is when SHE thinks she looks good. Otherwise, she WILL laugh you off because she will not trust your judgement. Then, when she really does look great, you will have already lost your credibility.
I agree.
In my marriage, it has been important not to stop wearing hiking boots, as well as high heels once in a while.
I never did wear makeup, so that’s not a factor. But taking the time to brush my hair and make sure there are no stains on my clothes at the end of a long day with little kids – definitely important!!
I’ve just this year discovered how boots can be a fashion accessory. 🙂 Even though I’m Canadian I never did much with them before. 🙂
Great thoughts, KTW! Thanks!
I so agree! I LOVE to look cute and put together but sometimes my hubs loves my running attire too and I’m grateful for that on busy day. I certainly do have days I get all dolled up and some days I don’t but I ALWAYS fix my hair and put on a little make up too as it makes ME feel better. He isn’t one to love tons of makeup but makeup done attractively can make us feel better about ourselves and accent our natural beauty.
This is a good reminder Sheila. Thank you for sharing.
So, according to you my husband wont feel proud to be seen with me unless I’m wearing makeup, have my hair done, am wearing nice jewelry and aren’t wearing a t-shirt? Seriously. I’m all for looking good and taking care of yourself, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to wear makeup and do your hair perfectly and ban t-shirts. I guess my husband must never be proud to be seen with me because I rarely wear makeup and my hair is almost always down and all I do is brush it.
Sara, I think the point is simply that a little effort (even a few minutes) is just a way to show our husbands that we love them!
Ladies that are struggling with motivation: you can do it! Just set aside a few minutes each day, at the same time, to freshen up. Your commitment to improvement is inspiring!
Husbands that read this blog: please know that your ladies will deeply appreciate your efforts to improve your physique, clothing choices, and hygiene. We love it when you care that much about us!
Amen, Mrs. Mac! It’s so wonderful when men put in the effort, too.
I don’t like to look frumpy. I remember seeing my mom in sweats and a t-shirt with her hair in a ponytail every day and wondering why she never wanted to look pretty. I determined that I would never do that. Yep, I was a snotty teenager, and have since learned to be more gracious. However I still don’t want to look frumpy and I make sure that put forth some effort to look good. My problem is different. My husband really doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter if I’m dressed to the nines or if I just came in from the field working cattle (wearing big smith overalls no less), I look “fine”. It drives me crazy, and I have told him I would like to hear from him if he thinks I look good, but nothing has changed. I decided to keep doing my best for my own satisfaction. It affects not only my productivity, but also my confidence level. So now, I try to look good for me.
That’s awesome, Tonia!
I’m sorry your husband doesn’t encourage you more, but I always think that the best part of looking nice is the difference it makes in my own attitude.
Just in case maybe you didn’t know this but the bible says we shouldn’t wear make up only prostitutes wore make up and thts how God sees us when we do this and i swaer thats not even my opinion that literally what God says that that is how he sees us, and besides that were not supposed to do that make up is a lie anyways thats not really what you look like, you can put lipstick on a monkey but at the end of the day its still a monkey. It also says in the bible that we are not to wear jewlery its in proverbs and were definately not supposed to wear jeans pants are for men not for women i think we look better in a skirt or a dress anyways.
Amy, I think this is the danger from not recognizing that the Bible was written to specific cultures. God did NOT say we weren’t to wear jeans–there were no jeans when the Bible was written.
The PRINCIPLE from the 1 Peter 3 passage is that we are not to dress inappropriately–we are to dress with respect so that people don’t mistake us for something that we are not, and so that we honour God. How we do that will be different in each culture. It’s different in Delhi than it is in Reykjavik than it is in Dubai.
If you are going to take the Bible literally, then we also should not be wearing poly/cotton blends.
Let’s just be careful that we don’t become so legalistic that we give God a bad name. Remember that Jesus was far harder on the Pharisees than He was on the prostitutes. Here’s more.
Well that is what the bible was written for to take it literally because this is how God wants us to live our lives not to interpret the bible to however it may be convinient to each of us. I know that God did not say not to wear pants but when pants were made they were initially made for men untill a group of femminists came along and said well if they can do it then so can we and its gotten to the point where there are women that say well if they (men) can marry women so can we. Im pretty sure God took into account that differen cultures were going to read this book not only the isrialites or the jews. Im not trying to arm an argument but thats the problem with the world these days is that everybody is trying to intepret the bible to however they feel best suits their lifestyle and thats not what God wants fo us.
“Well that is what the bible was written for to take it literally”
So, when Jesus said, “I am the bread of life,” he meant, what exactly?
Or when the Proverbs instruct us to “Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well” (Prov 5:15) we are to understand that as literally drinking only from water on your own property? I thought that was about being a faithful spouse.
If I were to take 1 Peter 3 exactly literally I would be in the wrong for “putting on apparel,” depending on the translation, anyway. Which would probably make my husband super happy, but also would get me arrested. Which would save the police time and effort when it came time to strip-search me at the the precinct, but still. So yes, some parts of the Bible are meant to be taken literally, and some are meant to point to heart issues.
Amy, your interpretation of those verses is very interesting to me! (I mean that; I am not being sarcastic! 🙂 ) I have honestly not encountered someone who held this view before, although I’ve discussed that a minority of Christians believe this in my Biblical Interpretation class in bible school. I remember studying these verses you are referencing for this precise reason. We discussed in class that these verses are meant to be prescriptive, not descriptive–meaning that the jewelry and hair styles, etc, are not the point; the point is that you should not dress or present yourself as a prostitute or someone that could be mistaken for a prostitute. Basically, it is a call to modesty. Similar to the verses about our clothes. The point is not to tell us what kinds of clothes we can and cannot wear, but to call women to dress like women and men to dress like men. During the time the bible was written, even the men did not wear pants! They all wore “dresses,” by today’s standard. For me, dressing like a woman includes gender specific things such as make up and jewelry. God has blessed me with beautiful blue eyes, and I love using a little eye liner and mascara to bring out that God-given natural beauty. I do not believe the bible prohibits this. The bible is not against beauty. God is the Creator of beauty! God is against neglecting our inner beauty, however, if we are too focused on outward beauty, which will not last (by the world’s standards–not true with God’s standards, by the way).
Amy, I’ve actually grown up in a church culture where most of the people believed as you do, though perhaps somewhat less vehemently. In fact, I wasn’t raised to wear makeup or jewelry or dye my hair. My parent’s upbringing was even stricter: no pants (unless worn under dresses for warmth) and girls weren’t allowed to cut their hair at all. So I do understand where you’re coming from. But I also agree with the other commenters that you may want to look into the cultural context of the verses you are referencing.
When you really get into studying the Bible, you’ll see that there are generally two kinds of rules: principles (where you take the idea behind the cultural rule that applied to a specific people in a specific time) and commandments (applicable to all peoples in all times.) Very few Christians take the whole Bible entirely literally (I truly don’t believe we’re meant to…in fact, much of Daniel and Revelation would make very little sense when taken literally). For instance, most of the “rules” laid out for the Israelites were cultural rules. There are good principles of cleanliness, modesty, worship, etc laid out there, but we don’t actually kill lambs for sacrifice or banish women from human contact until after their periods are over anymore. And to reference the New Testament: one of the same verses that talks about not wearing jewelry also talks about not braiding hair and keeping heads covered. And yet rarely have I ever heard of braids as forbidden in Christian circles and we certainly don’t go around in hats or veils. It is good to look at historical context in this case: in Bible days in Jewish culture, pretty much ONLY prostitutes wore their hair like that and wore jewelry…it’s how people knew who/what they were. Also, some of the very rich (Roman culture) would wear it as a symbol or wealth and status. So today, the cultural application of that verse would be to not dress like a prostitute (I’m sure you can do a google search if you need to know what that looks like.) and to not spend extravagantly on accessories,
Also, when it comes to modesty, a lot depends on personal choice in clothing. I think one can wear skirts or dresses everyday (if one chooses), and look modest and modern and put-together. But I’ve also seen too many people use that as an excuse to either dress immodestly or frumpily. Sometimes a flattering pair of pants is much more modest than a ill-fitting dress or bygone-era skirt. Other times, especially in today’s American/Canadian cultures, pants are a much more sensible solution: for gardening, playing with kids, working out, hiking, working on a car, during snowy winters, etc. Honestly, if I’m going to be up on a ladder, I feel much safer in pants!
It’s true that when pants first became something that women wore, they weren’t made to fit a woman’s body, and where thus unflattering and often immodest.They also went very contrary to the modesty standards of that day and age. So it made sense then to prohibit them. It doesn’t now.
And one last point. 😉 God cares mostly about the heart “Man looks at the outward appearance by God looks at the heart.” Just because I don’t wear jewelry everyday, doesn’t mean I have the right to condemn or judge my friends who do. God know my heart. I have two handmade bracelets given me in love by children in my care: I wear them with pride because of their personal significance. Perhaps a good principle is to look at the motive behind your choices. Why do you want to wear/not wear something? Is it to show off wealth? To satisfy personal vanity? To be ‘holier’? Or is it to show you respect yourself/your hubby? To look your best/be professional/etc.? Personally, I don’t believe in spending a fortune on makeup/jewelry/brand-name-clothes. But that’s my personal conviction. I have invested in basic eye/lips/hair products so I can look my very best, even if it’s just tinted chapstick and some mousse in my hair. I’ve had friends who were raised very strict, and you’d never notice, because they always looked very put-together; yet their attire is always very modest and conservative, they never wear makeup or jewelry. But they do take care with their appearance (which I think was Sheila’s whole point with this post). You can take care with your appearance, wear nice clothes that coordinate, that flatter modestly, etc. without breaking any Biblical principles. You can take a little time to do something with your hair, to put on lotion or a nice scent, something that says you care about your appearance and the impression you give to the world around you.
You’ll need to come to your own conclusions of how best to honor God and husband in your own attire, but please try to be cautious in your application of those convictions to others and PLEASE do your own reading and study of the Word first!!!
Thanks for this wonderful reply – I wish more people would stop judging others on their appearance and the amount of self-care they do for themselves. Recently an acquaintance said to my husband that I spend too much time fussing about my appearance, namely using makeup, body lotion and hand cream daily. I would never say that to someone and me using these products is not just about vanity but to protect my skin from the elements (Australian sun !) and I also enjoy doing this for me. Another reason for lotions is that I was told at the hospital to protect my skin so that it doesn’t crack and infection does not set in – my mum only started moisturising after having leg ulcers. Then she had a serious leg and foot infection which developed into gangrene (she was not a diabetic but was prone to these things due to peripheral vascular disease) and ultimately died straight after her leg amputation. I am paranoid about this, not to mention having suffered severe and painful cracks in my legs that had been caused by hypothyroidism – these healed quickly with the use of good skin lotions and medication for the thyroid. Unfortunately this person knows my situation yet still makes comments.
That is definitely an opinion and not a fact. Haha 🙂 thanks for sharing your opinion.
After the series you wrote a few years ago I realized it took the same amount of time to put a shaped top and jean on as a T-shirt and yoga pants…To put my hair in a pony as a half back clip…to put cute and comfy shoes on as crocs. And after doing it for a few weeks my husband asked me to get cute undies too! Even with the added cost, so it all “looked nice”. Now he doesn’t mind if I buy a new shirt or skirt or jeans now and then because its not yoga pants and t-shirts. Before he hated it because it didn’t look nice. The change in him for a conscious choice for me in the mornings was amazing. Thank you for the encouragement. I loved the change in my out look too, Even with kids under 18 months.
Way to go, Becky! Especially with babies underfoot!
I was that guy who said I didn’t care what she wore. It was to keep the peace. Period. I didn’t dare rock the cart. As my wife aged (early 50s), she DID need to make herself up. She is 5/8 125lbs, so she is thin. It finally got to the point that I asked her to. That started a fight! Not just that, but when I asked her on a date, she would just throw something on without makeup etc. Oh, except when she went to have coffee or lunch with friends… she went all out.
Guess what? I stopped asking her out on dates. She has finally (4days out of 7) managed to do a little make up for when I get home and some cute clothes. Yoga pants and a pony tail… great (not). Your husbands are being nice. You wouldn’t want him to gain a bunch of weight and have spilled food on his shirt. That is how you look when he gets home and you are wearing the same thing you were wearing in the morning when he left.
My husband and I met when I was sick and without make up. He loves it when I’m not wearing it, which is very rarely. I don’t like to see myself without it, so I even wear it to bed. I’ve put on a lot of weight too since we’ve first met, so I feel very unattractive. He does complement me, but I just don’t see it, and dread the thought of it. Should I try going sans makeup or not?
Maybe just scale it back to start until you are comfortable? Try a very “natural” look, use lotion instead of foundation, keep eye and lip colors natural to your skin, etc. (Seriously though, it’s REALLY BAD for your skin to have makeup on 24/7! I hope when you say “to bed” you are using a euphemism and not literally that you sleep w/ makeup on! Your skin needs a break!)
As for not liking to see yourself, there’s a couple really interesting articles/blogs about girls who went on a “mirror fast” or gave up mirrors completely for a year, and how it positively impacted their self-esteem and concepts of beauty. Something to think about. It can change how you perceive others perceiving you, as well.
Sheila, I disagree with some of your thoughts from this article. I think some women can make really cute outfits out of yoga pants, a neat t-shirt, and a pretty scrunchie or pulling their hair back with bobby pins. I don’t know if this is what you meant, but I don’t think it always has to be “dressing up” in the traditional sense for us to take care of our bodies and value ourselves. I am so lucky because I always joke that I married a man who would love me if I was wearing a paper bag (or less!), but he knows that for me, taking care of my body and buying myself clothing that I like and feels good makes me happy and positive, and he loves that! It’s fun for me! He can definitely tell when I’m not feeling good about myself, and it doesn’t always show through what I’m wearing or how I did my hair that day. Recently, I’ve been struggling with many long-term health problems which have actually impacted my ability to wear makeup and style my hair at times (autoimmune disease and chronic infections), and it’s so difficult, because these are very personal conditions that I am embarrassed to share with others! So, please consider widening that free pass for the 18-months and under moms to all of the women out there who may be battling autoimmune or other chronic illnesses that most people can’t see — it’s really hard and I’m always afraid the other women are judging me, but they don’t know what I’ve been going through physically by myself! Also, I think that it is really important to remember the difference between dressing to impress and dressing to feel good in one’s own skin — sometimes it’s a little of both, but I think that it’s important that women dress in a way that feels comfortable to them, like them, not like somebody else, just to look good. I think some husbands are definitely the woman in heels and heavy makeup types, but very often, I think are just happy when they see us valuing ourselves enough to take care of and love ourselves!! It’s very hard to love someone else if that person doesn’t love themself! Also, I think it’s important for us as women to look for our strengths, things we like about ourselves and how we dress, rather than pointing to one particular outfit or style as negative – sometimes I’m dressed up more, sometimes less, depending on what I feel like that day, but I think it’s important to remember that God always sees us as beautiful, no matter what we’re going through or how our hair came out that day.
I’m sorry about your health struggles. I can empathize a little. For a while I would get headaches if I did anything with my hair, whether a ponytail or just up with a clip. So I just wore it down, which due to my naturally curly hair would end up looking kind of frizzy. But fortunately my husband loves me as I am, and thinks I am so much more beautiful than I think of myself.
I agree with the comment about women being hard on other women. Its so true, and very cultural. When I first moved to the US from Europe I noticed how perfect all the women strived to look with their hair and make-up.
My husband says if I wear make-up I just look more colorful, not prettier because he already thinks I’m pretty. Guess I’m very blessed with such an awesome man who sees the true me. I’ve noticed to I think it has to do with family of origin. My MIL and SIL don’t wear make-up and dress more for comfort then looks. MIL happily married almost 50 years. So, maybe by my son seeing his dad love his mom even without make-up and in comfortable clothes that allow me to play with them in the playground (seriously can’t chase them around in high heels) he’ll grow up to love a girl with a natural look too.
I think of all the things hubby wants me to work on, my makeup is not on the list. As far as clothes, he’d probably rather see more sexy stuff in the bedroom, and can’t tell the difference between new and old jeans anyway.
Thanks for your kind words, Alex. My husband is the same way! We’re both really lucky they love us the way we are!
Thanks for this post Sheila. I totally agree with your thoughts on wives not letting themselves go. As a not-girly wife who works from home my default dress code is shorts and baggy t-shirts. I didn’t think my husband would mind what I wore at home (after all we live just the two of us) but one day he came home to find me in a nice short dress and he smiled and told me I looked good. Well, since that day, I do put on some lip gloss, light perfume and a simple but nice dress in the evenings before he gets back. He knows that I dress up for him and it makes him feel happy and special.
I did the same thing Roxanna! I have a home business so I don’t have to dress for success either. However, I started to notice that in all the movies we watched, most often the women in the movies were in dresses! Men respond to dresses and I don’t know why. After all, you can see more “sculpture” in a pair of pants. So I did your experiment and bought a few basic sundresses. He has told me more than once that he likes seeing me in them; that I look beautiful.
Every man is different, and my husband would love me, HAS loved me for 33 years, whatever I wear. The point isn’t jeans/t-shirt vs dresses vs stylish pants and a nice shirt. The point is taking care to be clean and attractive to your own husband’s taste. For him. For yourself. But most of all, for the glory of God!
Why does this discussion always come down to jeans vs yoga pants? Personally, I’ve found that a soft skirt and leggings(depending on the season) make me look dressed up while I’m super comfy. Better than any pants!
I agree, 100%. Men are visual, whether we like it or not. I think some women attach a negative value or meaning to keeping yourself up for your man or make it into the argument of being their own person or being too busy with their own thing or the kids and he should love you the way you are.
Like Roxanne above, I also work from home and stay very casual at home. I noticed my wardrobe getting a little too casual the busier I got so had a talk with my guy about what he wanted to see. He was very open and honest, also realistic. We have fun shopping together (how many women can say that) now and I love and value his opinion with clothes. Men like the chase – even if they already have you, they like to pursue us. It’s okay to be comfortable, but be cute and sexy for your man and let him know you’d still pick him again.
I think that the point should really be to make an effort to do something that would please your spouse and show that you care. My husband does not like makeup (I am very thankful for this- because I don’t like it much either), and he doesn’t care what I wear (he says I look good no matter what I wear, and I genuinely believe that he means it), although he does complement a nice outfit or color that he thinks looks particularly good on me. He doesn’t want me to color my hair, because he thinks the makeup and the hair coloring look fake (this is my husband’s preference, but it is obviously not every husband’s preference).
What he really likes is when I greet him at the door when he gets home from work wearing nothing (or very little). So, this is what I try to do to surprise him once in awhile (admittedly this was not really possible when the children were young- I had to delay a little or be more creative) The point is that we should try to make an effort to present ourselves in a way that shows our spouse that we still care about them, and this may look different for different spouses.
I tried this a while back. I would get up, do my hair and makeup, dress up. Then when I knew he was here try to great him at the door. I was trying to make him happy and better myself for him. I only really get to see my spouse one day a week so I thought this would be nice. Well he would walk in, walk right by me without a hello or a glance my way. Then come to the front room sit down and watch tv. I would eventually come in and sit down too, and the only thing I would get is “where are you going” or “who are you going to meet” it was really heart breaking, and I would tell him it was for him and just get an ok. I did this for a while, never once got a you look nice or anything. So what is the point? So yea now I do it once in a while for my self, cause now I never know when he may show up. I don’t do it as often as maybe I should, but that’s because I can wear my jeans and still look alright, and that’s fine for me. I stay at home with my 5 kids and am very busy with there activists, so no one to impress but me anymore. I’ve been married for 16 years, and was 20 when I got married. I just thought this was how it was supposed to be. After reading this it just makes me wonder.
I read your original series a few months ago, and there’s one thought I had since: It might not take “more” time when getting dressed (or at least, very little extra), but it actually does take a lot of time elsewhere. It takes a lot longer to go shopping for clothes that fit and flatter than it does to just grab some basics whilst doing other errands, and this is doubly true of plus-size*, not to mention the then added task of learning what to pair with what (I’m in a very active facebook group with 200 women asking just that question daily!). It takes more time to care for the clothes because of what you can wash with what, what can and can’t be tumble dried, what (if anything) needs dry cleaning, paying special care to delicates and undergarments, etc, and it takes time to repair the nice clothes that we do have, when we’d just throw away a frumpy shirt when it became really shabby. It takes a lot of time over the years to get good at doing make up rather than just leaving one’s face the way God intended it, and so even doing makeup, it can be easy to get into a rut. It also takes a lot of time over the years to learn how to do hair, especially curly hair, and the same thing applies, people get in a hair rut. This is before we mention the higher financial cost, of course (and yes, it is possible to do all of these things very cheaply, but that takes even more time!).
Of course, by “time”, there’s also the “mental energy” concept. So, in general, something might only take 5 minutes, but if it takes an hour to re-calibrate that mental energy back to where we started, then it’s like we spent an hour on that task, no?
*re: plus-size: to pick figures out of thin air, if a person is, say, a size 10, chances are that almost any size 10 top will fit as well as any other, unless the person is particularly tall or short. But that’s just not the case for bigger sizes. So, at size 30, for example, a person can be all boobs or all belly, have a defined waist or not… whilst those things are true of the ~bodies~ at size 10, I don’t think it drastically alters the ~clothing~ that much, it’s only millimetres difference, and so any body can probably wear the same clothes. But by size 30, it’s inches difference, because there’s that much more body to work with, so even in the correct size, there’s probably only, say, 1 in 4 tops that would actually ~fit~, before we even get started on colour, personal preference, etc!
I one sense I DO agree with you…it definitely takes more time to shop for clothes that flatter, *especially* if you’re also shopping for clothes that are modest. I disagree somewhat on ‘regular’ sizes always being easier to shop for. I do think that some body types and sizes are easier to fit, I have a cousin who is “athletic” and hardly has to try anything on. On the other hand, I’m “curvy” and so I often end up altering clothes to fit (spending more time) or having to shop around a lot, even though I’m a very average 8 or 10. I can go into a store and try on 8 or more items and have none of them work (wrong color, wrong fit, too hard to care for, too low in the neck, etc.) Having 1 in 4 fit well would be great, lol!
Some things that help me, tho: -find someone to shop with who gives honest feedback, a friend, daughter, aunt, sister, mother, roommate, etc. Even if it takes some driving and planning ahead, if you make it a fun outing and have someone to help you decide what looks good, it can be something to look forward to instead of dread. And then even if you don’t find much, as least you spent quality time with someone important.
-ONLY EVER buy clothes that you don’t mind the care instructions on. I don’t mind “line dry” but my sis won’t buy anything that can’t go in washer AND dryer.
-Find one or two thing that look good with your hair and do them often enough that you get fast at them. Or get a haircut. Sometimes a little different cut can make hair care a whole lot easier. I don’t think you always have to do something different, either, but if you feel you’re in a rut, talk to the girl who cuts your hair…stylists often have good suggestions for what might be a nice change, or different ways to style your current cut without drastic changes to your routine.
I don’t believe in wearing make-up and my husband doesn’t want me to wear it. And really, since God didn’t create us with make-up and it’s a no no in the Bible, why is make-up for Christian women even encouraged? I have fibromyalgia and am very chemical sensitive, so I can’t wear clothes that “look nice” because they are usually made from a synthetic fabric or heavily-sprayed cotton. I’m having a couple of dresses made from linen, since it is healing, but it’ll get pretty wrinkled and is a style of dress that will probably be labeled old-fashioned frumpy, most likely because I’m heavy and what looks flattering on a skinny woman usually looks frumpy on a heavy woman.
I also cover my head, which has become something of a faux pas in the Christian church, though since it’s NT scriptural, I’m scratching my head in confusion as to why. All of these things can combine to make a woman look dowdy in the eyes of some men and some women. Isn’t it such a shame that we’ve come to this point? Where there is lounging clothes, work-out clothes, dress-up clothes, church clothes (and don’t confuse those with dress-up clothes because I know some people would wear things out they wouldn’t be caught dead in for church), work clothes, etc. And if we wear one style when we should be wearing another style we get shamed. (I know you said you aren’t trying to shame anyone here, but that’s what happens anyway.) Wouldn’t it be nicer to dress like the Jews did in biblical times and be done with it? One outfit. It’s modest for both men and women. The head cover goes without saying and no one will accuse you of being legalistic. You wear it for work, play, and church, and lounging around. I suppose it wouldn’t work well for work-out clothes, but they didn’t need gyms back then because their work was actual work.
But we don’t dress like that and people would laugh if we did, more’s the shame. I guess it’s a good thing I get a pass until my daughter turns 18 months. 🙂
Hi Amy! I’m a heavier woman (I prefer the word “fat”, but that’s not everyone’s cup of tea!) and I make a lot of my own clothes. I’ve actually found that it’s much easier to make clothes that fit me well and are flattering than it is to buy stuff off-the-rack (plus they last a lot longer.) There’s also a lot of really cute organic fabric out there (check fabric.com for organic) that might work well with your sensitivities. For patterns, I’ve found that Colette Patterns (https://www.colettepatterns.com/) has some really cute stuff, and if you’re just starting out sewing, their booklets are really informative. Sew Serendipity is a book that comes with some simple patterns and gives you instructions on how to modify them. Here’s a link to their Amazon page, but I found my copy as a bargain book from my local Barnes and Noble (http://www.amazon.com/Sew-Serendipity-Fresh-Pretty-Designs/dp/1440203571). Finally, the Curvy Sewing Collective has lots of practical advice on modifying commercial patterns for plus-sized ladies (http://curvysewingcollective.com/)
I know this is a lot of material, but I’m so passionate about both plus-sized clothing and sewing clothes! I feel so much better when I’m wearing clothes that fit me well. Making my own stuff is also just a lot of fun! Home-made stuff doesn’t have to be frumpy, even when you’re bigger.
Thanks for that great information, Christine!
I read this post at the perfect time. I am currently taking care of my grandmother while she recovers from knee surgery. Cotton shorts, old t-shirts, and no makeup has become my look these days. And while I am off of work (I am a preschool teacher and have summers off) I tend to take the same look. This post reminded me of how important it is not to give into the want to look frumpy. My husband tells me that I don’t need makeup, but I like to wear it and I know he appreciates when I look nice. You are so right, it is just as easy to put on a nice outfit as a frumpy one. Thank you so much for this post. I needed this.
My husband and I actually had a good talk about this tonight. Sheila, I like what you said in the title about respecting yourself. I’m a bit touchy on the subject because my background is all dance; very very visual, and I’ve had a lot of people say unkind (horrible, actually) things to me for a very very long time because of how I look. So I have to frame all this in a different way for myself, because if I’m acting to please my husband it becomes all about fear and earning his love for me.
Some of the things I’m hearing are simple (haha, deceptively so if you’ve got little ones) like showering frequently and putting on clothes (like, clothes you can leave the house in), working out, eating well… Honestly, those are things I do and should do whether I’m married or not. My style ranges from preppy to casual (yeahhhh workout pants!), but I have a line, and it definitely includes showering and getting ready to the point I can run an errand. And working out on a reasonably frequent basis. And eating reasonably well (although we won’t mention how fast I can go through a pan of brownies–working on that! :/).
I love that my husband likes the way I look. And I want him to like the way I look. And it pleases me to dress up for him or be extra cute sometimes. But these basic things are things we should all be doing as human beings to the extent that we are able, and I feel it does us a disservice sometimes when we frame it as only or foremostly (is that a word?) pleasing our husbands. Yes, it pleases them that we take care of ourselves, but hey, if we were single, shouldn’t we still be doing these things? Let’s do it not only for their sakes, but let’s do it for our health, our self-confidence, our hygiene, etc.
Sorry Sheila, I know that wasn’t the point of your article, but I wanted to tackle it from a different direction too! 🙂 (P.S. Long-time lurker of your blog; love it and thanks so much for all that you do!!)
I find it helpful to think about this in terms of respect, for ourselves and our spouses. I know I appreciate it when my husband chooses the nice clothes when we are going out to a concert or other affair.
Taking the time to dress well is sound stewardship. We embrace and celebrate our femininity and sexuality–God’s gifts. We are made in God’s image and we express those attributes in the way we carry ourselves and interact with others. I do this more effectively when I dress well.
Flip side, we need to be careful not to make idols of clothes, jewelry and make-up. They should bring out our natural beauty, not cover us up and hide us from the world!
That’s such a great point!!
Great post, Sheila! Heading over to read the “fight the frump” series now..
Interesting post Sheila. You said anyone with kids under 18 months gets a free pass, what about twins under 5 months? I think a pass of 36 months! That said, I usually do feel better about myself if I at least get dressed and wash my face in the morning. Bonus points if I have time for a little makeup.
Thank you so much for this post, Sheila! And congrats on your daughter’s upcoming marriage!!
Her words really hit home for me. Why should we test our husbands to love us ‘no matter what’? After giving birth, I am not where I want to be physically – so I bought a bathroom scale on Friday and am now motivated to make healthy lifestyle changes. My husband is worth it, and I am worth it. Yay! Thanks for speaking truth! Too often growing up, I got the message that wives should give up everything for husbands and kids. But there’s such a balance to love. Thanks, Sheila! My hubby & I love reading your blog!
{I found the comments here interesting… I am friends with some “plain” people, and have been learning about their church, why they dress in the same dress pattern, and wear head coverings. What are your thoughts on church cultures like that and on wearing head coverings? (For me, it’s a matter of heart and attitude, not rules and measuring clothes and wearing a physical head covering. I was caught up in legalistic church growing up, and have now come to know it’s about our heart attitude to God and others). I really appreciate their culture and the values they have and pass down to their children. I’d love your thoughts on this! Thank you!}
I am home sick today and finally got the energy to have a long bath (clean!) and get dressed. I chose tights/yoga pants and a fitted top. Super comfy for a sick day, and way nicer than my track pants (I have nice yoga pants and I have not-nice track pants). Helping me feel not so sorry for myself too!
As a general rule, I’ve started trying to only buy clothes that are comfy and classy. E.g. no ironing but I can happily wear to corporate work, holidays and at home. Technically most of the stuff isn’t machine washable, but I tested one and it worked fine. Now I have a shelf full of pretty silk lace tops and cardigans. In many respects I can’t wait for some to be slightly more worn (e.g. not quite work) so I can wear them as my lounge wear and still look and feel pretty (but comfy).
I know I don’t wear clothes and shoes that aren’t comfy, so now I try and get the best of both worlds… even though it does mean shopping takes longer (as I am super fussy on natural fibres). And when I do find something, I end up buying duplicates! thankfully hubby doesn’t mind many items are similar!
Hello. I TOTALLY 100% AGREE with this article! I love it.
and I want to commit to doing a better job working out the muscles and being more feminine and lovely.
Life is challenging (this is speaking as someone who had 2 rounds of chemo, prednisone, and early menop, and works at home… in a chair!)
I never equated keeping up myself with respect but it IS a very big sign to a man of a woman’s respect for him.
So I’m all in.
I do have little problem. I kind of hesitate to share it since it’s not totally on-topic and it’s super personal and embarrassing. We married for our spiritual and mental compatibility, and just for our great friendship. And my husband says I’m sexy and cute. He’d NEVER say this but I think, secretly, he prefers a different “look” in a woman. For example, my husband asked me (among other things) to gain weight (e,g, “fill in”) but when I did, the weight didn’t completely distribute to the “right area” and now he’s all about me losing weight again. (tears!!). So many things I can’t change about myself… it’s a real confidence blow.
Sadly, I also look bad in makeup. Most people look AWESOME in eyeliner and the works. I love the idea of doing makeup. My husband even likes the way OTHER people look in makeup. The problem is I look like a CLOWN in even the lightest shades. Very awkward. So that’s strike two for wifey.
I have also dressed up for him when he comes home from work. Too often his response was “what are you doing? or “why are you wearing that?” Especially if it was a dress. LOL!! what do you think?
If he says “bless your heart” and tries not to look at me… it’s just…. Wow. Let me just crawl into a hole now.
I never thought I’d marry someone who didn’t think I was THE prettiest. You could say I am just insecure and shallow. Or that I misinterpret my man. Or maybe I just need to work on my “presentation” skills. I don’t know. Even if I can’t be his ideal, I’d at least like to rival it, or change his mind.
Suggestions welcome. It’s not easy to feel like you’re not #1…
I love this post. As I am 2 weeks post recovery after having a hysterectomy all I have been wearing is nightgowns for over 2 weeks now. I am even sick of myself in a ponytail and yuck. Tonight I couldn’t take it any longer, my 2 sons and I went out for dinner (my hubby was at work) and all I did was shower, put on a little makeup and pull my hair up in a high bun, put on some earrings and a necklace (seriously not much one cause I didn’t feel great and 2 it was in the 90’s here in Michigan and way too hot to do much else). My husband FaceTimes me from work every night to say hi and the first words out of his mouth were you look so cute. I was thinking to myself I feel like yuck, and think I look like yuck, but thank you very much and it warmed my heart and made me happy. I laughed and told him I have to look a little better than what you’ve been seeing me like lately, and he said you always look great.. which I am lucky that he says and thinks that.. but I even feel better when I do a little something for me..and am grateful he is appreciative .
It is my experience that men are attracted to confidence, not your looks. So, while I agree with the need to not be frumpy, I feel it should be for yourself so that you feel amazing, and your husband will feed off of all of that positive energy you are putting out.
I like the way you think!
It just doesn’t seem worth the effort. I’m fat, plain, and middle aged (35). Fitted clothes look awful. Most days, I don’t even brush my hair, I just get the worst of the tangles out with my fingers. If I’ve got time to do something, I’d rather do something with the house. It’s a better investment of my time.
Awwww honey. You are anything but plain. God created you to be uniquely you. He took the time to design you, to use skill and forethought into you. Never underestimate your beauty and your allure.
If your hubby likes the girl next door or athletic look, you can still dress that up. I wear a lot of compression pants (I jog every morning) and t shirts. But when I am with hubby, I make sure to let my curves show by wearing a more formal fitting shirt with a shorter hem. And I put on powder foundation, lip gloss, and mascara. I can be comfortable and sexy at the same time.
How about husbands freshening up for their wives? It’s gotten to the point where brushing his teeth for 30!seconds is foreplay! Men need to remember that we like to have them smell and look good as well. No passing gas in the bedroom with an “oops”. Not after the 400th time.
Totally agree! Hope all men would understand that…
“which one would a husband feel more comfotable with? Which one would a husband feel proud to walk out of the house with?”
That those two sentences are just so hurtful. My “sense of style” if you could even call it that, has always been t-shirts (usually mens because I have broad shoulders) and jeans or athletic shorts. I dress professional for work, of corse, but the “frump look” is most of my wardrobe. Posts like this make me feel like I have to change in order to feel beautiful and feminin and that is not true. And the idea that my husband would be less “proud” to be in public with me when I dress in my normal clothes is hurtful.
My husband is proud to be seen with me because i am clothed in gracecand dignity. I am a hard working woman, a dedicated mother, a generous person, an understanding friend, a loving wife, and a daughter of the most high. That is an amazing package no matter what it is wrapped it.
Also my productivity does not change based on what I wear. Honestly, if anything, i am more productive when i am comfortable and not worried about ruining my clothes.
Shannon
I think the idea here is to try and do what you know your husband likes. If you husband is ok with all of that they then more power to ya…why would the author’s suggestion be hurtful if obviously it doesn’t apply to your husband and he likes to see you that way? You missed her whole point.
Great post! This is the absolute truth but far too many men and women don’t think its necessary. When my weight ballooned to over 240+ I got to work shedding the pounds through a healthy diet and eating right..why? Not just to be more healthy but for my wife….yes I am a man and I think this goes both ways. And I also believe the the importance of physical chemistry is affirmed in the Bible:
The sweet, fragrant curves of your body,
the soft, spiced contours of your flesh
Invite me, and I come. I stay
until dawn breathes its light and night slips away.
You’re beautiful from head to toe, my dear love,
beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless. Song of Song 4:7-15