It’s time for my Friday Round-Up, where I post what’s been big on the blog and in social media this week, and also provide a bit of a sneak peek into my life and some of the things that I’ve been thinking about recently.
And today I want to talk about how my views on courtship and dating have changed a bit over the years as my girls have grown.
But first…
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum
#1 on the Blog: When Texting/Facebook Cross the Line
#1 on Facebook: Praying As a Couple Naturally
#1 on Pinterest: How Sex is Also a Spiritual Experience
#1 on Twitter: 9 FUN tips to make SEX great for you, too!
How My Views on Dating and Courtship Have Changed
I haven’t written about teens dating in a while, but my daughter recently posted a funny video on dating vs. courtship, because we’ve been talking about it a lot at home.
When Rebecca, my oldest, was 13, I had her read Josh Harris’ book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I read it around that time and I really believed it. I saw how dating in high school really didn’t accomplish anything, and how it could easily get you involved physically too easily. And how your heart could really get messed up.
A few years after that I wrote a post called 7 Ways to Raise a Teen Who Won’t Date Too Young, which was actually the #1 post here at the blog for about 2 years. I didn’t want my kids to date in high school, and my kids largely agreed.
In fact, here’s Katie talking about why dating in high school is a bad idea:
But while I still think dating when you’re 14 isn’t wise, I don’t share the same pro-courtship views I did when my kids were 14. I explained a bit in this post why I think it’s important to encourage young people to go out for coffee with friends and to get to know as many people as possible. The courtship movement can create social recluses a little bit too much, and can put so much pressure on a relationship to be serious before the two people even get to know each other.
I don’t want my girls to be in a ton of different serious relationships–I do think that this does lead to a lot of temptation and a lot of heartache. But at the same time, I do want my kids to get to know a lot of people, and to have fun, and to figure out who they work with.
And I also know that many of us don’t have “that feeling” the first time that we meet someone. Sometimes it’s only after being friends and spending a ton of time together that romantic feelings grow. That’s what it was like for me and my husband, and that’s what it was like for Rebecca and her fiance. If we had waited to “court”, we likely wouldn’t have spent that time together, and then those feelings wouldn’t have grown.
To be clear, too, we were only spending time together as friends. But courtship discourages one on one time between people of the opposite sex, even if they’re just friends. And that just puts so many barriers up to normal, healthy relationship.
So I still believe that most dating in high school is silly and unnecessary. But once you’re 18? Or even 17 if you’re mature? Then start getting to know a lot of people. It’s likely healthier.
Here’s Katie’s newest video about it. If you agree, I know she’d appreciate it if you shared it! Just go to the YouTube page and you can share it on Facebook or wherever you’d like!
Wedding Stuff is Overwhelming…
I am so NOT a detail person. And so when I have a HUGE event in my future (my daughter’s wedding next month) that I have to juggle everything for, I wake up every morning thinking, “what have I forgotten to do already today?” I am so looking forward to the actual day when there’s nothing else I could do, even if I wanted to.
If anyone has any pointers on getting organized for a wedding, I’d love to know it!
Some Giveaways Are Coming…
On Facebook soon, so be sure to like the page and keep checking! I’ll be running some this weekend.
And have a wonderful weekend, everyone!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
The best tip I was given before my wedding was from an older, married friend who said,
“Something will go differently than planned. Something may well go wrong. Let it go. As long as you end up legally married at the end of the day the rest doesn’t matter.”
It didn’t mean we stopped trying to make the day go well, but it did mean that we were able to roll with things. Things like adding chairs on the ‘other side’ of the head table, because the reception venue hadn’t set up enough tables. And realizing two days before the wedding that we hadn’t ordered flowers for the church, so we just told the florist to “have fun and avoid pink” – and got the most stunning arrangement ever!
18 years later, the things that went other than as planned are the things we laugh about, treasure, and talk about the most.
Excel is your friend! Type up what needs to be done, when, and by whom ! You’re probably already done with guest lists, addresses and rsvps, but excel was so helpful for that! And then you have all the addresses in one place for thank you notes, Christmas cards, etc!
I would take it a step further and put the spreadsheet in Google docs, then share it with all those working on this. I would imagine your daughter would like to be keeping track of this stuff too? How on earth can you sleep at all with all that stuff going on in your head and not putting it down somewhere?! Yikes! :-).
I was getting suckered into the courtship camp at one time too. I used to write articles about it, but the further we got into that line of the thinking the worse it got. It’s promoted as a “safer” way to prepare for marriage, but it’s not. Katie made some great points in her video.
TV shows, like Duggars, seem to be romanticizing the idea. Viewers don’t see the darker side of it unless they’re really researching the details of how “courtship” works.
Asking a parent for permission to court their daughter is most definitely a pre-proposal. Courtship is not “designed” to have an OUT. Even parents get trapped in the notion and would be “in rebellion” if they cancel a courtship.
It is scary, isn’t it, Lisa? Loved the post you linked to with CommentLuv, too. So true about Bill Gothard’s teaching.
I don’t agree at all! Courtship most certainly does have an out. The whole idea is to see if that person is someone you can make a life with. If you don’t think you can, then you tell the other person and move on. Kids have plenty of time while they’re younger, in school, at jobs, at church to get to know a varied number of people. I did that plenty, but it wasn’t until I entertained the notion of courtship that I found my husband. Of course I was 36 by then. The entire time we courted, we did devotionals designed to lead you through courtship and tell each other goodbye if things weren’t going well.
I did read I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Boy meets Girls and Sex isn’t the Problem, Lust it. The last book has certainly been the most meaningful in my life.
Ok. What Katie describes in her video is not what I took away from I Kissed Dating Goodbye. What Katie describes is sheer craziness. Honestly, why can’t Americans do anything in moderation?
Courtship should happen after you’ve already gotten to know someone (aka their character) and their family and you want to move towards marriage. At least if you’re talking about historical courtship. The problem with strict implementation of this model is that we lack the social context for it to work. We’re too age segregated. We don’t go to dinner parties, picnics and balls together with all your friends, your parents and all their friends anymore. For a roughly analogues situation, you’d have to court after you’ve gotten to know someone from school/ youth group, you’ve gotten to know each others parents and the parents know each other and you then decide you wan to move towards marriage. I believe this is a rather rare scenario these days.
I think kids thinking about dating should probably read Sacred Search and Sacred Marriage by Gary Chapman and The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller. I’ve read them in the past year and I think they are really excellent. If you have a good vision of what marriage is then it’s much easier to get an idea of how to date/ court/ whatever.
Alchemist, I totally agree! I loved Sacred Search, and I think it summed up the godly process of looking for a mate with whom you can serve God without putting a bunch of rules on it.
And you’re right–there is no social context for courtship today, which is likely why so many in those families are still single!
My wife says to hire and or if someone does it for free get a wedding organizer. Mom should not have to do anything on the wedding day or worry about anything.
Love the video on courtship and dating!
I was in the courtship camp for a while, and I was always so discouraged because I didn’t have a father and my
Mother isn’t a Christian. I was advised to find a “father figure” and go through him but that was weird.
I ended up getting together with a good friend’s brother. I knew his family very well from his sister and he and I had gotten to know each other through family hang outs over bonfires and dinner and board games. So, we kind of had that courtship background with the family involvement, but it was low pressure.
My sister also ended up marrying her friend’s brother. She realized after the fact that her mother-in-law had actually been trying hard to get them together. They had known each other for years by the time they started seriously dating, and it’s nice that the families are close.
I met my husband through my best friend – again, it’s nice when you can be friends first, and when you share some of the same social circle so that you can find out all about the other person and there are no surprises.
The best thing I have done regarding planning a wedding is to make a timeline going backwards from the time of the wedding. So, for example, in the case of my son’s wedding coming up on 07-11:
07-11 Ceremony 7:00 pm
Arrive at venue for family photos 4:00 pm New Haven Country Club
Hair appointment 2:00 pm
Granddaughter arrives to take a nap at our house – 12:00 noon
etc., etc.
07-10 Rehearsal dinner 7:00 pm The Waverly Inn
Rehearsal 5:30 pm New Haven Country Club
07-09 Eric and Sam arrive, airport pick up at 8:30 am and ???
and then continue to add things in backwards order. I find this very helpful once you get a month out from the wedding.
Best to you and your family as your daughter and son-in-love-to-be start their life together !!