Do you project onto your daddy issues onto your husband?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And with Father’s Day coming up this week, I thought I’d look at how those of us with father issues can try to keep those issues out of our marriage.
Whether your dad abandoned you, verbally abused you, molested you, hit you, or just disapproved of you, many of us have found Father’s Day a difficult day on the calendar. When I was younger I remember not being able to buy a Father’s Day card to mail to my dad, because the words in all of them weren’t true. What do you say to a father you have never lived with, whom you see for a week a year, and who doesn’t really know you? There just aren’t cards for that.
And I know many of you have felt the same thing.
Yet as I shared last week, marriage can be a vehicle that God uses for healing in our lives. When we marry good men, they show us how we’re supposed to be loved. They cherish us. And so much of those silent accusations we have inside our heads start to diminish.
I asked on Facebook yesterday how people prevent themselves from projecting onto their husbands their issues with their dads, and had some great (and heartbreaking) responses. I can’t do this subject full justice in a quick post, but I want to leave you with just a few thoughts that may help:
1. Many of us used our past to make good choices
Just because you have father issues does not mean that you’ll marry an idiot. In fact, over and over again women said something like, “I knew from my dad what I didn’t want and I made sure I found what I did want.” I did the same thing! Sometimes when you have a difficult childhood you run hard in the other direction: you marry a good person; you become an amazing parent; you prioritize relationships.
Some of us, unfortunately, don’t do that. It’s quite common to marry someone who gives us a similar “feel” as our father–if he was an alcoholic, we marry a workaholic because we’re used to feeling distant.
But just because you have father issues does not mean that you’re guaranteed to have a bad marriage–not at all! So never believe that.
What to do: Ask yourself, “Did I marry someone who makes me feel like my dad made me feel?” If not, celebrate! If you did, then find a mentor or a counselor to talk through this and figure out how to address key issues in your marriage.
2. Our coping patterns can cause problems
At the same time, it’s good to recognize how our past did affect how we treat others. One woman wrote this very insightful tidbit:
The biggest issue that has come up with us is the habit I learned in my childhood of not sharing what I thought if I believed it would cause friction. I finally told my husband that, & he said he wanted to know what I thought since I saw different possibilities then he did. The first few time were VERY hard, but I took a deep breath and spoke up anyway. I still start off speaking carefully, but if my careful words don’t communicate well to him, he has learned to ask questions to make sure he understands my point.
When we grow up with friction we learn to try to avoid friction at all costs. That’s a common coping mechanism, and it makes perfect sense when you’re in a dysfunctional home.
The problem is that that exact same coping mechanism can also cause a functional home to become a dysfunctional one. If you fail to speak up and tell your husband what you’re thinking, then you prevent emotional intimacy. And once emotional intimacy is lost, other forms of intimacy quickly follow.
What to do: Ask yourself, what’s my reaction to conflict? Do I try to avoid it? If so, tell your husband and sit down and figure out some “rules” for conflict that will help you feel safe enough to speak up.
Are you PeaceKEEPING or PeaceMAKING?
There’s a huge difference between the two. And if you don’t get it right–you’ll never be able to feel truly intimate in your marriage.
There’s a better way!
3. Our fear of abandonment can cause problems
If your dad left, then at the back of your mind is likely the fear that your husband will, too. Rejection is real in your life; how do you know that anyone can stay forever?
But when we fear abandonment, we often withdraw into ourselves and again fail to share key things. Sometimes it’s not even failing to share when we’re upset. We may even fail to share when we’re happy! If he’s going to leave, then I can’t let him see all of me. That way if he leaves he’s not really rejecting ME; he never really knew me.
The other dynamic that can be quite common is to become defensive during conflicts. If he mentions anything that he’s unhappy about you’re sure he’s going to leave. So you overreact to everything, leaving him unable to really share his heart.
What to do: Confess this to your husband! Let him know your fears. And then talk about specific things your husband can do to let you know that he’s not leaving. Teach him your love language. Tell him that during a conflict he must always say, “I’m staying with you no matter what because I love you, but this bothers me and I’d like it to change.” Pray with him about it.
4. Our family of origin can cause problems
If you have father issues, chances are the rest of your family also has issues. Your siblings may be messed up. Your mother may be needy.
And we often carry guilt for a lot of these things (even if it’s not our fault). We’re still trying to fix our family of origin, and we get sucked in to drama that is ultimately caused by a dysfunctional father.
If we try to step back, we can be blamed by siblings or by our mother. Loyalty became a huge thing, because “we had to stick together” to get through this with dad.
That dynamic can make it so hard for you to move forward with your husband. If you’re in that dynamic, as hard as it may be, put limits on how much you will talk to or see your siblings and your mother. Sometimes it may even be a good idea to move far away for a few years to build your marriage, just the two of you. Once you’re on strong footing you can reestablish those relationships.
What to do: Talk to your husband about how big a role your family plays in your marriage. How does he feel about it? What is his perspective about how you react to your family? Decide how to set clear boundaries for your family.
5. Sometimes we need someone else to talk to about our “daddy issues”.
We are not meant to live the Christian life alone, and God has appointed some to be encouragers and counselors to help us get through trauma and live a life of freedom. If you feel that your issues just aren’t going away, and you have a hard time trusting your husband or opening up to him, maybe spending five or six sessions with a counselor to talk through these issues and come up with an action plan would be a good idea.
I know it can be expensive; counselors often range around $100 an hour. Some churches will subsidize, but think about it this way: If you spend $600 on counseling, even if that’s a huge sacrifice, but in the end it helps you live an amazing marriage, think about the money you’ll save by raising healthy kids and having a strong marriage.
A counselor can help you pray through things and see how Jesus felt when you were abandoned or hurt; to see that your father probably had issues too; and to see that Jesus’ grace covers such a multitude of hurts. Find someone who can point you to Jesus.
Do any of those thoughts resonate with you? If you have father issues, let me know in the comments what has helped you in your marriage. And for all of you–have a good Father’s Day this weekend!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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All of these things are so true…the longer I’m married to my husband, the more I see how dynamics of our family of origin have impacted us and shaped the ways we love each other. Thanks for sharing some of these specific things to look for and thanks for hosting! I’m new to your blog and am loving all the practical tips I’m finding. Can’t wait to keep following along!
This was such a great post. Number 1 and number 4 resonated with me because I had to choose my life was going to be different, as well as my marriage. Both of my parents are divorced and were remarried and had miserable marriages. I was not going to live like that. With God’s help, I married a wonderful man and we work to have a great marriage. And with reading number 4, it helped me with the guilt feeling because I have recently had to make the decision of putting distance between me and certain family members bcause of neediness and drama. Thank you so much for this post.
My dad was a good dad, but he was very passive. My mom did most of the active parenting and decision making that we kids saw. So I do have a tendency to slip into that with my husband. It can be hard to not fall back on the patterns we’re used to.
Sheila, I’ve faced many of the daddy issues you mentioned. From fear of abandonment that increased when my husband and I went through some serious struggles to unhealthy boundaries with family. Being aware and looking to God for wisdom, comfort, and the ultimate example of what a Father is supposed to be has helped me in my journey. Thank you for sharing and providing the linkup. : )
This is a really hard subject. I think the important thing to remember, the thing that Christ gives to us repeatedly, is forgiveness. In most cases (not all), the same people who hurt you when you were younger, are not those same people today. Everyone has a story, a past and their own hurt or means of survival. If kids can get to that point in their life where they understand the parent’s journey and what they were dealing with during the time when they grew up, it can help build a bridge. You can’t erase the past, but you do have the choice to forgive, move forward and make the future brighter.
‘When we let go of what our ideal of what should have been and accept what was, we can let go of the anger and resentment.’
I watched my husband reunite with his father after 33 years of not talking or seeing each other. It was amazing. They talk every week for hours now. God’s perfect timing.
I purposefully married someone very different from my dad, who was emotionally and verbally abusive and my sisters and I never knew what was going to set him off. My dad usually gave us the silent treatment first before he exploded at us. It took me a few years to identify how this impacted my marriage. Whenever my husband was quieter than normal, I would rack my brain trying to think what I may have done to upset him. The same old conversation finally shed light on what was going on:
Me: “Are you mad at me?”
“No, I’m just tired.”
A few minutes later. “Are you SURE you’re not mad? Are you SURE you’re sure?”
“No, I am not mad; I am tired. But keep asking me if I am mad and I will get mad! Why do you even think I am mad at you?”
“Because you are giving me the silent treatment, just like my dad did before he yelled at me!”
“Oh, I see. I am not your dad, okay? You will know when I am mad at you, no question. So if you aren’t sure, I can guarantee I am not. I am honestly just tired. It’s that simple for me, okay?”
I still catch myself doing it, but I am getting better. Although sometimes I forget that “I am just tired” really means that he is just tired, when it usually means a lot more when I say it. 😉
Kay, I’m not married but I relate to your story! Except for the silent treatment, I never know when my dad is going to pop off. It is really hard, too, but prayerfully I will be able to move out very soon, as a friend of mine and his wife have offered to help me get out and start a new life.
P.S. I have lived with emotional and verbal abuse for 21 years. I can understand you thinking that about your husband.
I definitely do resonate with what you’ve shared here, Sheila. I had and probably to a degree still have “daddy issues.” My dad was a pastor and workaholic. But the funny thing was that it didn’t matter if he was home, because he didn’t know how to interact or reach out to any of us–including my mom. And with a household mainly of women you get a whole lot of resentment bubbling up! Not to mention, my brother is now the same way my dad was–very uncommunicative! I’m grateful that you’ve brought your experience and wisdom to this subject at this very crucial time. Thanks also for the linkup!
Thanks for this post. I can relate to it in opposite ways. My Mother has NPD but I had a very loving relationship with my Dad. My husband’s father was verbally and emotionally abusive and his Mum left and his parents divorced when he was 14. We’ve been ‘married’ for 17 years but it’s never been a marriage and I’ve given up. My husband has a chronic issue with lying that he is in denial about. I think it’s stemmed from years of trying to keep the peace with his father. I found porn on our computer in 2002 and for the next ten years my husband lied to me about it and said it was once, even going as far as to say it was all in my head an my over-active imagination meant I wouldn’t believe him. His lies were so convincing that I never put blocks on the computer. Four years ago he changed his story from once, to twice. I left. Three days he continued to lie. Then it came out it had gone on behind my back for years. I had a drip fed drawn out confession that has caused sheer horror in our home. He then built me up a big idealistic picture that it was not even a temptation to lust because of all the damage, and he wasn’t struggling with women out in public. I did not believe this and it caused an even bigger rift. Reading this post, it makes me think that perhaps the way he copes in this life is to lie, so that he can be the person he thinks I want him to be….like he was as a little boy trying to gain the love of his Dad. I’ve had to drag it out that yes, he has had times of lusting after random strangers in public. The lying and building up meant I’ve had a long way to fall from his ideals. I had a chronic illness in remission and all the stress has brought on a relapse. His addiction and lying cost me my health. He is still giving me ideals. We tried counselling but it made it worse. I got told my husband is an addict and will always lust for the rest of his life. My husband says that isn’t true. The arguing and stress and lying and lust have worn me down to nothing and we co-exist for financial reasons. My husband refused to have an accountability partner because he said he didn’t need one. Summer rolls around and the lust starts up again. I need to rebuild my life and my health. I can’t completely leave this guy for practical reasons but I’ve nothing left in me to cope with him anymore.
Great insights Sheila. I love everything and especially resonate with #4. Generally people with some type of dysfunction/unhealthiness in their family of origin have to double down and cleave harder with their spouses. Distance does help and even though you may not cut them out completely, it pays to be extra vigilant and strict. Great insights.
Like so many others here this post really resonates with me, only in a slightly different fashion. I was blessed with a Dad, who in the beginning struggled with finding that “parenting balance”, but one he did he really was my refuge. You see by the time I got to high school it was pretty plain my sister tended to be the one that was catered to in the house, and from talking with therapists and very good friends about the situation she was and still is a bully to me (not to any one else thankfully!). I developed a lot of patterns and coping mechanisms to defend myself. One was just hanging out with my dad. He never really punished her as he got a lot of her lip too, but just the two of us together would be enough. I was a chubby child and she teased me, I lost all the weight and she nitpicked in other areas, I let bygones be bygones only to have her come up with new slights I had visited on her making her anger justified. I essence I cannot win. Add OCD on top of that and I can be a wreck at certain times.
My husband has been acting just like my dad, only a better. He stands up for me, helps me come up with solutions that prevent me from withdrawing but give me an “out”, and has mandatory Mama time-out on the weekends so that I can step away, check myself, and be sure that in my attempt not to let what happened in my family of origin happen in the family I was blessed with that I do not become rigid. My father taught me that someone can defend me quietly, and my husband is helping me stand up for myself; but a lot of damage was still done.
I have to add an amendment, please understand this comes from my eyes, and take it with a grain of salt. I will say, in my defense, that perception is reality.
I’m glad I read this article. I am not yet married, but am soon to be. I consistently prayed to marry a man after God’s own heart, and then I met him lol and guess what his name is? Yep, David!
I have dad issues that go back to my childhood. I have always felt like I wanted his approval, his affection and his love and time, but felt like I always had to fight for it, and even then felt like he didn’t truly care. It has affected my life greatly. My childhood and a good portion of my young teenage years were spent with my mom and sisters. I didn’t have a positive, consistent male figure in my life. I wanted so badly to be closer with my dad, but just felt like he spent the majority of his time working.
I looked up to my dad still in so many ways, but just constantly felt like it will never change and I will never have that relationship that I desire to have with him.
Now that I am an adult, still young, I am seeing the patterns in which I was raised in. I didn’t trust men. I didn’t believe any man could really love me or care for me, and when I met my boyfriend, my thoughts changed. He has been extremely loving, patient, and caring towards me. He truly is a man after God’s own heart! He encourages me and prays with me, and he has the strongest zeal I’ve ever known personally to serve and live for God.
I still battle with the hurt from my childhood, but when I read your quote:
When we marry good men, they show us how we’re supposed to be loved. They cherish us. And so much of those silent accusations we have inside our heads start to diminish.
It is giving me even more hope and encouragement. This is a great post!