Do family secrets need to be brought to light? Should you confront someone who abused you as a child?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. Last week, after I posted on the Duggar abuse scandal, I started receiving quite a few emails and Facebook messages from women who were abused as children and weren’t sure what their next steps should be now. This note in particular really hit me:
I have been reading your posts about the Duggar ‘scandal’ with much appreciation. I have been on the receiving end of unwanted sexual behavior a number of times as a child and teen, even in the first year of our marriage (from someone other than my spouse) and I am struggling to move on. It was all kept a secret. I find it so difficult to open up to my husband of 5 years. I have spoken to him, but don’t know if he wants to know more, or if he just assumes I am all healed. How much or little detail do I go into? My parents also were not very open about sexuality and anything really other than teach biblical doctrine and cooking and cleaning. I lack many insights on what a healthy marriage is and just feel like I am drowning in emotion and self pity and I just want it to END! My husband is also recovering from watching porn. He’s doing really well but I am the only one he has told about it. The people from my past are known to me and two are relatives that I see regularly at family functions and church. I have forgiven them in my heart but feel I need to do so face to face. Do I talk to to them?
What a lot of pain! Let’s try to give her some help:
First, a couple of big things: she is dealing with so much, and she’s living in the center of shame: shame from her parents who never talked about sex; shame from those who abused her; and shame because her husband watched porn. And she’s never been able to properly talk about any of this because there’s this cone of silence around everything.
The secrets need to stop.
When we shed light, God is there and can do amazing things. When we keep secrets and keep things hidden, we prevent God from doing His work, too.
I’m reminded of Micah 6:8 here:
He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
God wants us to love justice (which requires truth and speaking up); to do all this in a spirit of mercy (without vindictiveness or bitterness); and to be humble before God.
So often we think we’re merciful if we just “let things go”. But you can’t have real mercy without truth; you need both.
And so I’m going to suggest a radical shaking up in your family that may make you uncomfortable. I’m going to suggest that you tell the truth.
Here’s why:
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.
Forgiveness is something that you can do on your own: you decide “I will let God deal with this person, not me.”
Reconciliation on the other hand requires acknowledgment on the part of the other person to the pain that that person has caused. Reconciliation helps not just your own relationship but that person’s relationship with God. They’re forced to confront their misdeeds and they have a chance to repent and make things right.
When there is no reconciliation, there can be no real relationship. There is only a false facade. A real relationship can’t be based on a lie, and when there is something that big, it is all a lie.
So you have to tell the truth in order to get your relationships on a path where God can work towards peace or can let people choose judgment (and He would rather that people be given that stark choice than that things remain in secrets and lies). Remember, he’d rather us be hot or cold, not lukewarm.
But there’s another reason this has to come to light.
If someone abused you, chances are you were not the only one.
Therefore, if these individuals have minor children in the home still, then you must call children’s services. You simply must, in order to prevent any harm to those kids. I know this will be tough, but morally it is absolutely the right thing to do.
If these individuals serve in leadership at their church, or if they serve with children in any way at their work or at church, you must also tell their church. You are not responsible for what the church does with that information, but you must tell. A simple letter or email is fine. So many churches have been rocked by abuse, and this will continue to happen unless we start speaking up. And churches desperately want to avoid children being hurt in their care.
Speaking of contacting authorities, if the statute of limitations is not expired in your state, you may also consider filing criminal charges. But that is up to you.
Also, there may be other adult victims in your family. You may have cousins or siblings who were also abused by these men. When you speak up, you give them the chance to as well.
So you must speak up to achieve reconciliation, to validate others’ abuse stories, and to protect others.
But what are your practical steps? Here you go:
How to End Secrets and Bring Past Abuse to Light
I’m going assume that you have already contacted authorities and the church, if necessary. But here’s what you do for the rest of your family:
Get some support around you.
Talk to a counselor preferably, or one or two mentors who can pray with you and stand with you. Once you have talked it over with them, be fully open with your husband. Tell him what happened to you, in as much detail as you are comfortable with, and tell him how you think this affected you. Tell him that you want healing, and you’re striving towards that, and you totally believe healing can happen. Sometimes this is easier to do with the counselor present. Then the counselor can also explain to your husband why you need to bring this to light.
Tell your immediate family
Now it’s time to tell your parents and your siblings (unless they are the abusers; in that case skip to the next step). Tell them what happened, and tell them this: “I am going to contact them and ask for acknowledgement of what happened and an apology. If it is not given, I can no longer be in fellowship with them. I ask you not to invite them to family events anymore. If you do, then I will no longer come.”
This is not being mean; it is just acknowledging that while forgiveness can be given by you alone, reconciliation cannot. Reconciliation is only possible when the other party admits the sin.
Contact your abusers in a safe way
I suggest using email; it keeps you at a safe distance and it avoids you having to listen to them yell or be defensive or call you names. You can even do so using your husband’s email so that if they send back a horrible response your husband can screen it and shield you from the details, if necessary.
Say something like, “I have disclosed the things that you did to me when I was X years old to my parents, my family, and my husband (and the authorities or the church if you also did this). I would ask that you admit what you did and apologize. If you do not, I will no longer be able to see you at social functions or at church. I ask that you be open and honest so that healing and reconciliation can take place.”
Contact the church (if you haven’t already) and ask for church discipline
You go to the same church as these individuals. That must end unless you achieve reconciliation (and even if you do, it may still be a good idea to go to a different church).
However, if you like your church, then they should have to leave it, not you.
Contact the elders’ board and explain in as much detail as is necessary what happened at the time, and ask that the elders help your abusers get established in another church so that you can feel spiritually safe.
Warning: many churches will not handle this well, especially if your abusers are in leadership positions. This may cause you a lot of hurt. If you know it won’t be handled well, then you likely need a new church anyway. That’s not a safe church.
Recognize that this will be difficult
This may very well blow a hole in your family, and people may blame you. But you did not cause the rift; your abusers did. You are simply trying to mend the rift by achieving honesty and reconciliation.
A family that socializes without acknowledging harm done is not healthy. It may outwardly look fine, but there is no real love there. Real love can only be present when real truth is also present. If self-preservation and “not rocking the boat” are the main things people want, then that is not loving; it is holding God at a distance. If God is going to do something in your family, it will only be because someone is finally shining a light on Truth.
So, yes, you may lose some relationships with your family. But those relationships weren’t real anyway. It is better–even if it is heartbreaking–to move forward in truth.
What about your marriage?
When secrets are part of your past, it’s very likely that openness is missing in your marriage. You grew up without honesty and good communication, so it’s hard to achieve that now, even in a healthy relationship.
In our letter writer’s case, it sounds like she and her husband need to start learning to talk about and communicate about sex and marriage. I’d really suggest talking to a counselor for at least six sessions. And if you haven’t done it yet, I’d really suggest picking up a copy of 31 Days to Great Sex, which walks you through so many exercises that will help the conversations start. For so many people that’s what they need most: a way to actually talk about it.
My dear readers: my heart has broken this week with all of these stories I’ve been hearing. There are just so many secrets. So many. But Jesus came to be the Light, and He can handle those secrets. I don’t know if He will bring reconciliation; He leaves that up to us to choose it, and your abusers may not. But it is better to live under Truth, even if it means your family gets a lot smaller, than to live with a lie.
I’m so sorry. I really am. May God be with you and may He put the right people around you to support you as you tell the truth.
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Let me know: has your family ever been rocked by something like this? What did you do? Let me know in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
As often happens with your thought-provoking writing, I now have a couple of questions. First, I have a daughter who had a problem with someone at church and she will now no longer attend, due to the extremely poor response she got from one of the pastors. I am also still extremely angry, but my husband is very invested in the church and doesn’t even want to discuss the issue any more (although he definitely was on her side during the “problem”). In general, I would say it’s a good church but this issue is huge to me. I don’t know if my husband will leave it. I have attended other churches with my daughter to help her find a new church, and I but I hesitate to leave the church when my husband is staying.
Secondly, in the letter, the abuser is someone she has been expected to socialize with. What advice do you give when the abuser has died long ago. I figure that telling will bring a lot of pain to my parents, who would have done whatever they needed to protect me, if I had told them at the time. I am past this whole episode, which honestly was minor compared with the stories of others. Thoughts?
Meredith, I’m so sorry about your daughter! It so grieves me when churches don’t handle these things appropriately and cause more pain. I think it’s great that you’re trying to get your daughter established in another church, and anything you can do to show her that you support her would be good. I’m not sure what you should do about churches; I guess a lot depends on where your daughter’s faith is; if she will go on her own; if you’re still getting fed at your church; how your husband feels about going to different churches. That’s a thorny issue that you’ll have to pray through I’m afraid.
As for what to do if your abuser is dead: wow. I don’t have a good answer for that one, either! Personally, I think if you have good support, if you are able to forgive and move on, I’m not sure you have to tell your parents if it would wound them. If there’s a blockage in your relationship with your parents that this caused, though, and there’s a distance you can’t seem to move past, then openness is likely the best route. It also depends who the abuser was: if it was a sibling of one of your parents, for instance, I think knowing could help them work out what may be already strange feelings they have, even if they can’t put their finger on it.
So again, I think I’d pray through it and maybe seek counsel from a mentor or counselor? There could be so many facets, and you want to work towards genuine healing. In some cases that can be done on your own; in others it involves your parents because it may also affect them.
Hope you get some clarity!
Sheila, I wanted to comment on the post from Meredith, asking what she should do to have closure if the abuser is deceased. Well I have a suggestion that was recommended to me to be able to correct wrongs done to and/or by a relative that is deceased or I was not able to meet face to face for whatever reason. For the person that is deceased, I wrote them a letter, saying in it exactly what I would have said if the person were with me. Go to a quiet, peaceful spot or possibly the gravesite where the person is buried, then read the letter out loud as if they were with you and repeat as many times as needed in order to be able to experience the pent up feelings, then take the time to feel the various feeling you’re experiencing, then burn the letter. This was very helpful to me because by burning the letter, it symbolized me letting go of the past-along with the guilt, shame, anger and remorse I had been carrying around for decades.
My abuser died when I was 9, I suffered from DID (disassociative identity disorder) … I blocked it out of my mind. FFWD to 29 years old, thoughts of abusing my own son caused me to be suicidal (rather kill myself than abuse my child) . I sought help, and over those course of a year had to relive the abuse and the rape I experienced before I was even 9 years old. I would wake up at night smelling his beer breath on me, feeling like he was on top of me.
It was hard, one day I was able to forgive the man that did it, even prayed that God would forgive him.
I told family members and church members who were counselling me. It took a few years to be free of panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, but I am free.
By the blood of Jesus.
You can be too.
Amen, Betty! Thank you for sharing.
Meredith,
As a counselor, I want to address the question of an abuser who has died long ago. Sheila, I hope it’s okay to suggest something here. Write a letter to the abuser (imagine they are standing in front of you and can hear what you are saying).
Write out everything that you would want to say if you had the opportunity when they were on the earth. Close the letter by telling them that you are choosing to forgive them and bid them farewell. This technique helps to heal your own heart and bring the grieving cycle to completion. It is even more beneficial if you can read the letter to someone you trust. James 5:16 reminds us to bear our burdens with one another so that we may be healed. God bless you.
Thank you for a great article!
Thank you, Donna, and yes, it’s absolutely always okay for counselors to chime in! I love that. And thank you for the suggestion.
Donna:
Thank you for the suggestion, I may do it because I can see that it would sort of clarify where I am and close the book on it. I wish I had told my parents at the time (I was 12 years old) but I decided to keep quiet unless I felt that I or my younger sister was at risk. It so happened that we only visited the relative once again before his death. I have forgiven him and am in a good place–no flashbacks, good sexual relationship with my husband, etc. I knew I was healed when I could tell my daughter a bit of my story in order to tell her how strong and brave I thought she was for telling, and that, although I wish she had told me right away, waiting a year was ok, because you can only do what you can do. Also, that it was something that was an assault perpetrated on her, not an innate part of who she was and she had a great life ahead of her.
When we saw a marriage therapist, though, he seemed to suggest that the molestation was a defining moment for my relationships, and this felt wrong–like an attempt to pull me back into shame that I have gotten past. It made me angry that I was apparently not “allowed” to be over it. Yes, I will write, read, and shred the letter and be done.
Amen. Be blessed!
Shelia,
You constantly inspire me to keep working with married couples who struggle in many areas of their life.
This issue touches a personal nerve as a leader in our church. I never want to do anything that hinders any open doors and hearts for healing.
Recently our church has undergone a revival of sorts due to the state mandates for anyone working with children. PA is reacting strongly in light of the Penn State U. scandal a while back. This has allowed us – members and leaders – to openly discuss child abuse issues and of course adult “baggage” related to this horrific ongoing sin permeated in society and churches.
I was saddened that some of your respondents receive no support from their church. It is a terrible issue – sexual abuse – at any age and we need to continuously be aware that it strikes more often than folks want to admit to.
Thank you for your post on such a sensitive yet vital subject.
Thanks, Jerry! And you know, I think many churches DO do a good job. Many people really have thought these things through. But there are also too many churches that are far too focused on outward expressions of holiness (legalism) rather than the gospel, and you can see it in the way they handle (or fail to handle) abuse. It’s sad, and it’s such a distortion of the gospel.
Thank you so much for tackling these tough issues, Sheila! My husband was abused by older siblings over a period of many years and we are smack dab in the middle of doing the things you suggest to do. It’s tough! But it’s the right steps to take. Even though he has told his family, they want to continue to live in denial. They really push the “forgive and forget” (which really means “pretend it didn’t happen”) idea. They don’t understand that the healing takes time and everyone needs to get honest. If everyone keeps hiding what they’ve done, forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. And I know that without honesty and repentance, the abuse cycle will continue to the next generation. They pressure my husband by implying he’s not being Christian by what he’s doing. It’s so hard for him as he’s never had a voice with his family. We had to leave our church and find another one because his family (including some of the abuser siblings) attend there and that’s hard. We told the pastor why we were leaving, but I don’t believe anything else was done or anyone else was told. I am somewhat shunned by the family. Probably because my husband started dealing with the abuse after our marriage and they know I stand by speaking the truth while they are scrambling to continue to keep things hidden. My husband isn’t to the point where he can speak freely of his abuse to others (going against the family rules of keeping the secret is hard!), but he has come a long way over the past year and a half. We have a long ways to go! But, we continue to take steps forward with God’s help and the help of a Christian counselor.
One thing I wanted to point out to those who are struggling with abusers in their family: last night my husband and I were discussing how his family is and how it’s a struggle for him not to comply with what they want. We discussed how his relationship with God has really improved over the time he has faced the abuse and started to heal. The abuse really distorted his view of God and Christianity. Now that he’s dealing with it a real, true relationship with God can begin! So even though his family disguises their “sweep it under the rug” idea as the Christian way, if he were to do that it would stunt his growing relationship with the Lord. It’s all about honesty! Sorry for the long post, but sometimes I feel as though my husband and I stand alone around here…..it’s so refreshing to see your ideas line up with my own!
Oh, don’t apologize for writing too much! Thank you for sharing your story. I loved what you said about how as your husband has embraced truth he has started to really understand God. That’s so beautiful! I pray that others will have the courage to speak up from hearing your story.
Sheila,
I appreciate you being willing to openly discuss such an important topic. As someone who was abused as a child by my father and an uncle, I do want to caution that there is not just one path to healing. Both of my sisters were also abused and I will say that each of us took a different road to healing as an adult. I cringe when reading that you say that a person needs to confront the abuser because I am afraid that someone reading your article may not be ready for that step. I would encourage those who have been abused to begin their journey to healing by contacting a Christian counselor and walking through some steps to be sure that they are ready to confront their abuser. That is a very scary step and I fear that taking it too soon may cause more damage. I chose to confront one abuser and not the other. That is just what worked for me. The process of working through the damage of sexual abuse was one of the hardest things I ever went through but it was worth the work. I am happy to say that I am healed and the past does not control my present. Prayers and love for all those who are working through this.
Amen! My therapist does not recommend confrontation in general, because you rarely get what you need. You get denial, minimizing, blame-shifting… I got what I needed from God and from within – and don’t need my abuser’s input, thank you very much.
Thank you for your amazing articles I wanted to.post one on my fb page but was afraid of what my aunt would think as she knows nothing of the abuse I sustained as a child. I also didn’t want my mom and sister to get angry as I have.told them of the abuse. Not really sure if they believed me or not it doesn’t really matter. I am so conflicted about a rape that happened by my father in law when my husband was stationed in Okinawa. It happened 26 years ago but still affects me today. I have refused to.do family get togethers because of this and my children don’t really know their grandfather. My husband confronted him 15yrs ago after I tried to kill myself his dad admitted something happened but couldn’t remember everything cuz he was drunk. Now a few months ago he denied it flat out. He cried to my husband that he would never do that. I am the bad guy, my husband still believes me but it’s really hard. Sexual abuse and rape don’t just go away, they take a lifetime of work to diminish the affects and total trust in a God we can’t see but believe is there. Oh how I feel His comfort and although I’ve forgiven it still pops up from time to.time especially when my husband talks to or visits his dad…
Some states do not have a statue of limitations on rape. You may be able to bring criminal charges against your father-in-law.
Sheila,
Our son (age 23) came to my husband and I a couple of years ago and confessed to us what he had done to his sisters, involving touching, (then 6 & 7 yrs old) when he was 13. It was a very similar situation to the Duggars, only we didn’t know until our son was older and living elsewhere. I think he justified it because they are adopted. My husband and I have worked through grief, anger and betrayal, but it was so far after the fact, we weren’t sure how to handle it. We went to a wise couple at our church and shared the situation. They knew our daughters and had worked with us in the past over some difficulties with one of them. We all spent time in prayer and decided to wait upon the Lord. After a few months, our youngest daughter knocked on our bedroom door one night, and when I came to the door, wanted to talk with me. She said she didn’t know if I would believe her (she had a history of lying a lot) but that she had just recalled some things from when she was younger involving her brother. She was then about 16 years old. I was SO thankful that the Lord had already revealed this information beforehand, because I may have had trouble believing her due to lies we kept catching her in.
I assured her I believed her, told her that her brother had come to us and confessed recently, and that we had been struggling with how to handle the situation. We talked to both our daughters about it, and all met with this couple to talk, pray and just give them a chance to start working through it.
Our daughters are now 21 and 23, and our son is 28. Is there more we should be doing, or do we just trust the Lord to continue the healing process and be there for them when they need to talk or whatever?
This was not openly shared with extended family, but we did share it with the siblings. Should we have done more? As I said, we found out years later.
Jamie
Depending on your state’s laws (involving the age gap between the victim and the abuser, the family relationship, and the minor age of the perpetrator, the nature of the molestation) this may be a criminal matter. Do your daughters want to bring criminal charges? They may be able to do that if it’s important to them for justice and resolution.
Understand and accept if they do not want to see their abuser. Do not force them to forgive or be reconciled.
Ask your son if there were any other victims. There may have been other children outside of your home who were also harmed.
Sheila,
I absolutely LOVE that you wrote this article. I was physically & emotionally abused by my grandparents, neglected by my parents, found out my husband had been addicted to pornography, and the found out my oldest daughter had been sexually abused. Last year has been my “healing” year, and I would like to offer some suggestions to your reader as well as make myself available to your reader to continue to be a sounding board.
#1) A person does not “get over” abuse. You learn to deal with it and how to not let it control you. When dealing with the abuse of my grandparents (which included the statement of “All men will rape you”), I read your book The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex and Andy Stanley’s Enemies of the Heart. Your book taught me what intimacy was supposed to be like. Stanley’s book caught my attention with a statement at the beginning of one of the chapters. It says, “In the shadow of my hurt, forgiveness seems like a gift to my enemy. But in the shadow of the cross, forgiveness is from one undeserving soul to another.” That quote has been extremely inspirational for me.
#2) Secrets bring shame. I completely agree with your statement about telling her spouse about the problems. But some of her insecurities and anxiety come from the pornography addiction. My husband (now in recovery for 8 years) directed me to the website http://www.blazinggrace.org which is a site for Christian men dealing with a pornography addiction. There is a page there just for wives that could be extremely helpful. She also needs to read your post about The Trauma of a Husband’s Porn Use from October 2014. This article was the first hope that I had that I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t crazy. Finding out about an addiction like this produces the same symptoms of PTSD.
#3) Get professional help. Right after my husband told me about his porn addiction, I went to see a counselor. She told me there was nothing I could do for myself until he got fixed, which was a BIG FAT LIE. My husband needed to work on his issues; I needed to work on mine. After we found out about my oldest daughter’s abuse, I couldn’t look at her without crying, so I called a different counselor; one who specialized in trauma. Having that counselor has made all the difference. I was in therapy for over a year working through my past issues and while I’m not “perfectly healed”, I have the tools to continue to work on my own. I also have the safety net of being able to call or text my counselor if my anxiety gets to be too much for me to handle. I wouldn’t necessarily look for a “Christian” counselor. There are many counselors out there that do not advertise as “Christian” that will offer the faith perspective. Find someone who specializes in your issues and go from there.
#4) Definitely contact your church. I kept having nightmares that my daughter’s abuser would start coming to our church after he was released from prison. I was able to contact a pastor on staff that I trusted and that knew my situation and he was able to reassure me that my church did not want to see any of its members hurt. If the abuser is still there, he cannot be allowed to work with a vulnerable population. As hard as it will be, you are protecting other people.
My husband and I have been working through the 31 Days to Great Sex, but it sounds like this reader had a childhood similar to mine in the fact that sex was never talked about, so it was made shameful. The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex provided the sex education I needed to have as a pre-teen girl rather than the message I got from my grandparents (All men will rape you) and the message I got through the church of “Don’t have sex – it’s bad and you’ll get pregnant, or a disease, and then go to hell”. We need to be teaching our kids that sex is special between a husband and a wife and because it is so special is why you need to wait until you’re married.
As part of my aftercare, I have been listening to podcasts. I have really enjoyed Belah Rose at http://www.delightyourmarriage.com because she deals with so many different issues. I did an interview with her (episodes 31 & 32) and while it was really hard to talk about everything, it was a part of my healing process.
I am very serious about contacting this reader if she is interested. I feel that God is calling me to help people who are hurting in any way that I can.
What stood out to me most here is the fact that this person may now be in positions of leadership and authority near children! An adult may decide to seek healing and “forgive and forget” and not rock the boat, but if someone abused once they are likely to abuse again and I think it’s almost wrong (forgive me if this is offensive) to bury it for the sake of others.
5 years ago (June 7), our neighbor and trusted friend (who we considered family) pleaded guilty and is now in prison for at least 7 more years for abusing our daughter. It was such as devastating moment for us and several other neighbors we were all close to. It took me 4 years to work through forgiving him. As her mom, I carried a lot of guilt and shame for what happened. Moving to another state and excellent christian counseling for her and myself (for abuse I experienced as a teen and young adult) brought the healing we both needed. God is good and He is faithful and even in those times when memories or feeling surface, healing comes.
Thanks for bringing up this topic.I follow keenly on your topics which have really helped me in my marital life. May God continue guiding you in your great work.
Six years ago there were clashes in my home country. So much evil took place and my family was one of the innocent victims. At the time, my mom, a visiting aunt and my small sister were at home. They got robbed at home and were all gang raped by unknown men. They never got any justice even though the matter was reported to the authorities. However we thank God non of them got any issues health wise. This has been kept as a dark secret in my family. We have never talked about it as a family or even I to anybody else apart from my husband. I believe it greatly affected my sister but I did and do not know how to reach to her. I think it is because of it that she has so many unworthy relationship with many men and somehow she does not seem to care much about it. She even got a child out of wedlock whom we help her support. How do I help her? she is a cause of major worry especially to my mom.
My situation is different in that my daughter was sexually abused and raped by my husband, her father. As a result my daughter got pregnant. I adopted the baby who is now 11 years old. My question is should I tell her and if so when and how. Your thoughts?
This is such a delicate subject. I’m glad to see the good discussions come about from the Josh Duggar story. I very strongly agree with seeking counseling before doing anything else. Confrontations can be very difficult and sadly, many families and abusers will deny. That just breaks my heart how many women come to me saying they weren’t believed, they were accused of wrong doing, and they were shunned. If anything comes out of this Josh Duggar story and the world being so angry over it, I really pray that people will actually DO something instead of just yelling about it online. Victims need more advocates. We NEED more of you standing by our sides supporting us when others don’t or won’t. And I hope more families are discussing appropriate touching and will stand by their children and not the abuser when their child comes to them saying something happened. Because if all the Josh Duggar story does is stir up a bunch of angry citizens who do absolutely nothing with their anger, then the story doesn’t mean a whole lot. Apathy creates more victims. We desperately need stronger consequences for sexual predators too!
Just a suggestion…pray hard. I have found when we as humans try to control others or our plans, we fail more often. When we let go and let God dictate our paths and others, the judgment is always better. I’m not saying to cover it up, but seek God & counsel. People do change when God truly enters their hearts. Take a step back and let God examine a heart first, He’ll help reveal answers if you truly wait and listen.
Trusting God is easy!
Sheila,
16 years ago, my two step-sisters came to me and told me that our father (my biological father, their step-father), had abused them for many years after he married our mother. Growing up, he was like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. People who weren’t part of our family thought he was so much fun. A great story-teller, Mr. Fix-It, general all around good guy. Once the front door was closed, he was a miserable, unpredictable, moody man. He was physically and mentally abusive to our entire family. I was shocked at what my sisters told me, but I did believe them. Still, I couldn’t understand how this could happen in our home without me knowing. Once Dad knew the cat was out of the bag, he confessed to our entire family, Aunts, Uncles and my Grandparents. Unfortunately, he seemed to think that because he did this, all would be well. My mom actually supported him and stayed with him. Their rationale (they actually SAID this) was that we had all turned out ok, so it must not have been that bad. As a result, my sisters gravitated towards other ends of the country. My one sister has cut herself off completely from our parents and my other sister has very limited contact. Unfortunately, it isn’t as easy for me because they live in the same town as me for part of the year. For the rest of the year they live away from here (my season of bliss, I say). I tried to cut myself off from my dad completely, and tried to just see my mom. But whenever I saw her she would cry or would be upset, so eventually I caved. It pains me to see him. It pains me to hear his voice. It pains me that my Mom would choose him over her daughters. It all came out 16 years ago but it still feels like yesterday because I have the constant daily reminders that he is still around, and that he really did get away with it. My sisters chose not to press charges. Mutual friends, people I have known for most of my life, think that we girls are the worst kids in the world because we have limited contact with our parents. They do not know the truth. I haven’t said anything to them, partly to protect my mom, but also because I am so filled with shame that she didn’t leave him. I’m not sure what has been worse… I have always known that my Dad was a complete and utter jerk, but the fact that my Mom chose to stay with him has been the ultimate betrayal. Every time I try to get past it and move on, there is a reminder. Whether it’s in the news, on TV, a magazine, or even a phone call from my mother (with him in the background), the daily reminders are there and I can’t. get.past.it.
Brenda, I’m so sorry that you’re walking through this. So sorry.
It sounds, though, like you’re carrying shame that should be your mother’s, not yours. You’re still protecting her. What about stopping, and letting the chips fall where they may? And what about talking to your mom and explaining the betrayal you felt?
It sounds, too, like she is a marriage to a very disturbed and angry individual, which likely means that she isn’t getting her emotional needs met in that marriage and she’s leaning on you. You haven’t spelled that out completely, but I would imagine that that is the dynamic.
The more you support her, the longer you allow this dysfunctional relationship to continue. What about going to see a counselor yourself and getting some support around you, and then going to your mom and putting limits on what you will do from now on? You won’t see your dad; you won’t keep a secret; you won’t continue a close relationship with your mom until she faces up to what happened and tries to bring some reconciliation with your sisters? Perhaps she needs a push in the right direction to confront what she is living with, too.
Prayers for strength for you.
Your articles are really helping me clarify what is going on in my household. But, I was wondering if you could clear up some doubts I have still.
I am 15 years old as of today, and the things my father has done to me and my family in the past still haunt me today. I get severe anxiety whenever I am in the same room as my father, and I always think of ways to not aggravate him, which makes him angry anyway. He says that I do not try to get involved in family conversations, but when I try, he yells and says that I “shouldn’t use my stupid head”. I try everyday to please him, but I end up getting hurt in the end.
I don’t know if what I went through before was abuse or not, and I don’t want to leave the house without clarification.
He hit me the first time when I was two. He was angry that I ran out of the house so he threw me on his bed and hit me. I was not allowed out of that room for the whole day. The 2 most intese instances were when I was 4, and last year in February. When I was 4, my father was very angry with my mother, and I don’t remember why. What I do remember is crying and screaming for him to stop as he threw my mom on the kitchen floor and beat her with a glass cup. Then, in February, he had a medical problem and was mad at my mom telling his mom in India about his problem, so he hit her with his shoe. I yelled at him to stop, but my mom protected me and told me to run upstairs. Upon closing my door, he said things like, “I hate you” and “I wish you were never born” and “You will never be my daughter”. Those words still affect me today, and have nightmares of the memories of these beatings. He hasn’t hit us in some time, but he has threatened me and made jokes about him hitting us.
He was brought up in India, in a household where hitting your children was acceptable. But, when he moved to America, he brought that custom with him. I know that it’s hard for him to change his ways of “disciplining” us, but my mom uses it as an excuse. I kept believing that this is normal, but my gut says it’s not. All I want is to be safe.
What should I do?
Please reply ASAP if possible.
Pooja, I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. Please hear me when I say: even though this may be normal in your father’s culture, it is NOT all right. And you are in America now, and there are people who can help, both you and your mom.
I don’t know if school is out for you for the summer already, but if not, when you go to school on Monday, I want you to tell your vice principal or your principal. They are used to dealing with things like this and they can get you help. And if, in the meantime, your father gets violent, leave the house and call 911. Even if he is hurting you mother–leave the house and call 911. Have a cell phone on you at all times.
I suggested telling your VP or Principal because it’s easier to get support from someone you know. But if school is out, then please call the National Domestic Abuse hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Call them now, and they will tell you what to do.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this–but there are people who want to help. And they want to get your father help too. I pray that you will get the help you need.
Thanks so much for this post. I was looking for something else – advice to give a family member on another issue, and happened upon this blog post. This is such a minefield for any family, or church. I also suffered from a sexual abuser within my family, when I was 8 years old. Fortunately, it was from a family member that lived in another state, and the next time I saw him, I was three years older, and able to keep him at arms length. I found help, as an adult, from both a counselor as well as a book: “The Wounded Heart: Hope for the Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse” by Dan Allender.
I never confronted my abuser – he died when I was still a minor. I wasn’t mature enough at the time to understand that I needed to speak up to keep others safe. It was chilling to read others’ comments about their having been told that other men/all men would do the same thing. My abuser also said that – as if he was saying that I shouldn’t consider what he was doing as wrong, as all other men would do the same thing. I didn’t tell my Mom until I was an adult – I never told my Dad, as it was his family member, and I didn’t want him to hold himself responsible.
I also haven’t told any of the immediate family members of the abuser. While I understand that he may have abused them too, if he didn’t, I don’t want to ruin their memories of him. It is so hard to know what is the right thing to do. So, I have chosen to focus on asking God to help me to forgive him, as I am unable to do it in my own strength. I remember hearing the minister at his funeral (when I was a teen) telling his family not to worry, that he was a Christian, and that they’d see him again in heaven. And all I could think of at the time was that although I am also a Christian, I never wanted to see him again, anywhere.
I pray for all those who are still carrying these wounds – that they may find compassion and relief from any painful memories.
Thank you for this post. Its very helpful.
This post is edifying in that I don’t have to live with guilt for going no contact with my dad until he admits what he has done. The problem is,I have many memories that imply abuse, for example one being waking up in only my underwear when I know I fell asleep in my princess nighty and my dad was completely naked. I don’t know what happened exactly but that is one memory that I have that is particularly incriminating. He’s always played the victim when I don’t contact him then goes on to tell me I’m a horrible daughter and he didn’t raise me this way. LOL he didn’t raise me!!! He was absent most my life and now that he’s not financially obligated to me,now I’m worth his time. He’s such a narcissist and puts guilt and blame on me for his feelings. Should I write him an email and tell him what he’s done? He keeps asking what could I have possibly done to deserve this kind of treatment from you? I told my step mom what happened but she says she doesn’t believe it. Even though I know she remembers us all crammed in his pick up truck while he had his arm resting behind me ( as I sat in the middle) and draped his hand over her breast and squeezed it while we drove along.uggg I’m just so sick over it I don’t know what to do and what is right by Christ but I feel the need to cut him off for the safety of my daughter. My therapist hasn’t been very clear on this topic and it’s driving me nuts!!
Quickly, ill just say i was abused by a family member from ages 5-11.
It was kept secret until i told my mom. She was awesome but handled it quietly so as not to cause a family scandal.
Theres so much to my story, how i acted out sexually and still struggle with addiction, sexual as well.
I told my father before he died, i just needed him to know why i was the way I Was/am. It made him sad but honestly we knew my father would simply have murdered him.
So much more to say but the point i really want to expose, now that im 50, is the condition oF PTSD.
Im reading a book now about PTSD and i hope ppl will realize that affect on them and learn about it. It helps to accept your own behaviors.
Thank you for this article and God bless you all.