You may want to give your husband respect, but how often do we disrespect him–without realizing it?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today Brittany from Equipping Godly Women joins us to talk about how to make sure we’re NOT inadvertently disrespecting our husbands.
Have you ever noticed how the media loves to portray men, and dads in particular, as bumbling, incompetent idiots? From television shows like The Simpsons, Everybody Loves Raymond and Married with Children to even your average cleaning commercial where the dad buys the wrong product or makes a huge mess because he simply can’t be trusted to handle simple household tasks, this stereotype is practically everywhere you look.
Whether you find these characters laughable and lovable or obnoxious and crude, the truth is that the idea of the incompetent dad has permeated our culture–probably more than we realize. How many of us women treat our husbands as incompetent or incapable without even realizing it, simply because the idea is so common, it’s rarely questioned?
Growing up, I never really learned what respect was, why men needed it, or how I was supposed to provide it.
I am extremely blessed to have two very Godly and wonderful parents, but my mother also happens to be a peacemaker. She has the gentle and loving spirit thing down pat. I… do not. And I had no intentions of going into marriage always being sweet and kind and polite and always letting my husband have his own way. I don’t care that I’m the woman–my opinion matters too!
You can just imagine how well that went over. Let’s just say–I’ve learned a lot of lessons the hard way. And the more lessons I learn, the more grateful I am for my amazing husband who has stuck by me every step of the way, even when I’m sure it hasn’t been easy.
Respect doesn’t come easy to me.
Not because I don’t love my husband or think highly of him… but because I’m opinionated and I honestly don’t realize when things that wouldn’t offend me in the slightest are deeply offensive to him. But I’m working on it. For now, I imagine, that’s the best I can do.
Perhaps you’re like me–you want to respect your husband, but you don’t know how or you’re worried about becoming a doormat. Let me reassure you, respecting your husband does NOT make you a doormat. It makes you an awesome wife who treats her husband incredibly well. And chances are, if you’re husband is a pretty good guy, it won’t be long until he’s showering the love and affection right back on you! Sometimes, you just have to go first–even if you don’t feel like it. Here’s how.
1. Find Ways to Talk Him Up–Not Tear Him Down
How often do you make jokes at your husband’s expense (even if you are “joking”), point out areas for improvement or bring up past mistakes your husband has made? No one likes to be reminded of their shortcomings, even though we all have them. Even the little comments you see as harmless can be really hurtful to your husband–whether he shows it or not.
I don’t care who your husband is, you can find something nice to say about him–probably lots of things!–even if you have to be creative. Don’t stick to just the big things either. Tell him how proud you are of him, how lucky you are to be his wife, how much you love certain things about him–be his biggest fan!
2. Let Him Do Things His Own Way
When you’re the one who does the majority of the housework and child rearing, it is very easy to fall into certain routines and ways of doing things. Just because your way is the best way for you, however, doesn’t mean it’s the only way. And insisting that things be done your way essentially says that your husband isn’t capable of handling the task. How emasculating!
The next time your husband loads the dishwasher, feeds the kids dinner, changes the baby’s diaper or puts the laundry away, don’t pester him to make sure he does it your way and don’t go through afterwards to “fix” whatever he’s done. Thank him sincerely for his help. You never know; you just might learn a new trick or two yourself.
3. Don’t Mother Him
As loving and attentive mothers, it can often be very difficult to turn off “mom mode” and switch to “wife mode” instead. Do you find yourself constantly reminding your husband to do things he should be capable of doing on his own, offering him “helpful” suggestions for ways he can improve his life, or expecting him to get your approval before he takes action? If so, you’re likely acting more like his mom than his wife. Not only is this terribly unsexy, but it also sends the message that he isn’t capable, you can’t trust his judgement or that you don’t think he’s good enough.
4. Watch Your Body Language
Do you ever roll your eyes, sigh loudly or even walk out of the room while your husband is talking? Do you look at him like he’s an idiot, or neglect to look at him at all? Whether you realize it or not, all of these subtle (and not so subtle!) physical cues convey the message that what he has to say isn’t important or that you’re better than him.
Think back to the time before you were married. What was your body language like then? Chances are you hung on his every word, made googly eyes at him and touched him every chance you got. Find a way to recapture that again.
5. Be a Willing and Enthusiastic Sexual Partner (to the degree that you are able)
For many men, when you reject sex, it feels like you are rejecting THEM. Of course most men will understand if you’ve had a horrible day, you’re in pain or if you’re still working through past sexual hurts, but if you frequently find yourself saying no, making excuses, not making sex a priority, or always doing the bare minimum, can you blame them for taking it personally?
If you can have great sex with your husband, do it and be enthusiastic about it! If sex is very difficult for you, keep the lines of communication open and do the best you can. It’s not the amount that matters as much as the willing, eager and excited attitude you have at the idea of being one with each other.
Learning how to respect your husband can definitely be a complicated and difficult task, but the truth is, as a Christian wife, it’s your responsibility and your privilege. Talk to your husband to find out how you’re doing as a wife, and be humble and willing to receive any suggestions he may offer. You may be surprised at how much your marriage will improve as a result!
Now it’s your turn! Do you have any marriage thoughts for us today? Link up the URL of your own marriage post in the linky below. And be sure to link back here so others can read all these great marriage posts!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thanks so much for featuring my article here today Sheila! I pray it helps someone today!
I would like to suggest a great book that looks at these kind of issues for women and for men. It is called, “Love & Respect”. It claims that a woman’s biggest need is love, while respect is a man’s biggest need. To help with this post, imagine, women, if your husband treated you in an unloving way (you probably don’t have to imagine it much, that is our downfall too often), that is how we feel. I would add one more to your list: 6. Allow your husband his freedom of speech without attempting to be his censor. Read the book, it will help both of you! It looks at Ephesians 5. The title comes from the last verse. It is written by a husband & wife team.
I know well about the rejection part. My wife is not at all enthusiastic about sex. If I bring it up she gets upset and says “is that all you think about”. I’m sure other men find that phrase very familiar. So I have stopped approaching her about it. Right now its months between time that sex happens, whenever SHE feels like it. I’m sorry to say that It feels more like having a room mate with extended benefits (like hugs and kisses) than a wife. Or should I say it feels more like I am the servant to her. So I keep to myself most of the time.
I am so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, this is a common problem in marriages. This may or may not be the problem, but do you extend physical affection and kindness all throughout the day without it always leading to sex? Do you go above and beyond every day to show her how cherished and valuable she is to you? Please understand, I am NOT saying it is your fault by any means (I don’t know you, so I don’t know), but your actions are the only ones who have the power to change and it might be worth a try to bring a little romance back? Hang in there!
Brittany, thank you for this rich article. I smiled in #2 (before ouching) because sometimes my husband has to shoo me out of the kitchen when he’s cooking. These days it’s playful (mostly) but in the past I could not stop myself from making suggestions, wiping surfaces AS he’s cooking, stirring the pot and being a general nuisance. I also see other areas I can improve, esp that mothering thing – cos while i imagine I am being helpful and loving, I see how I am not. If the roles were switched, I’d be so offended! I am praying that the Lord reveals and makes me more sensitive to these things; sometimes they are so ingrained you don’t notice them and their effects. Thanks again.
I get in “trouble” for doing the same things too! I’m always putting dishes away, only to find out he’s not done with them yet! And of course–who wouldn’t find our suggestions helpful?? lol
These are great principles to keep in mind, Brittany, because every one of us, as wives, struggles from time to time with respecting our husbands! My biggest challenge is number 4 – Body Language. I think I’m all submissive and honoring in how I’m coming across on the outside but my insides are peeking through. I just can’t hide how I feel when it comes to my man! But I’m, like you, working on it! Thanks for the challenges and thanks to Sheila for highlighting you!
I understand that! That’s why I know I really have to take some time to think and calm down before I talk about tricky stuff–because otherwise all the wrong emotions are likely to start pouring out!
Brittany, I can’t tell you how much I love this topic and how important it is today in our culture. Thank you for writing it. I hope everyone will take the time to read it and absorb the wisdom. Young women and newly married couples take for granted how important respect is. When the bottom starts to fall out, they are left wondering what happened and pointing to communication, trust, sex, and a host of other symptoms. It all starts with respect (for him) and love (for her.) I know, I was also wanting to make my voice heard after marrying late in life. I had to learn what godly respect was. God’s way is always the best way.
Absolutely! Not that it’s the ONLY topic, but it is an incredibly important one, and one that too many wives are never taught and simply don’t know.
Brittany, what great tips … and definitely something to think about. I know the accepting his help and not pushing him to do it “my way” really hit home. Thank you, Sheila, for hosting and sharing Brittany’s wise words. : )
Thanks, Crystal! All of these hit home for me too (it was pretty humbling to read this to my husband to get his take!) so you definitely are not alone!
How do you maintain respect when your husband is a negative man, he’s angry, belittles, yells and swears. he always feels bad after he blows up at me or the kids, but it happens too often, we all walk on eggshells. Some of the things that come out of his mouth are “use your brain, who f-ing thinks they can play with my bike and mess the chain up, I’m the only one who does anything around here”. He also told me I’m hot and to buy a bikini and then a week later when I’m eating ice cream he tells me that I won’t be able to wear that bikini if i eat ice cream. So which is it? I’m told I don’t homeschool properly & I’m ruining the kids, I don’t clean enough or discipline the kids enough. He yells at the kids often demeaning and belittling. He has also started swearing a lot. I don’t make enough money, so inspite of having our own 5 kids and homeschooling I take in even more dayhome kids, but then he’s upset because the house isn’t clean enough and I’m too tired for sex. He’s made many terrible costly financial mistakes and I’m blamed for not being more forceful and preventing him from making this mistakes.
He frequently tells me he hates his life. He’s depressed and angry and dealing with issues from his verbally abusive childhood.
I don’t feel like we’re friends let alone spouses. I do my best to not do the things in the list, but sex is a massive struggle for me, and obviously I sometimes walk away as he’s yelling and swearing.
We’ve been married 15 years and I can’t keep going like this. Even my 13 year old daughter has asked me why I let him talk to me the way he does and I should divorce him. Sorry for the long post, I’m just not sure what to do anymore. I’ve been patient so long, and increasing sex doesn’t help like all blogs seem to say it does.
Hi Anonymous,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! I think when you’re dealing with someone who swears and rages and belittles that is a really different situation than the one Brittany was addressing here today. I think this post on Emotionally Destructive Marriages may be a better one for you to read. I hope it helps and points you in the right direction!
I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I can’t even imagine what that must be like. Unfortunately, my suggestions are more for women who have husbands who are trying their hardest and not getting the respect they deserve. I hope you saw Sheila’s article suggestion and that it was helpful for you. Other than that, prayer! and LOTS of it! *hugs*
Oh…..I pray that the Lord will give you the strength you need every single moment and much wisdom to know what to do. And, like Brittany said, prayer will be your best solution. God can change lives and make miracles happen. Do not give up on Jesus. Pray, pray, pray! You are amazing for being able to be where you are now! AMaZING!!!! God bless you!!!! Sending you some love!!!!
I just have to say it happens both ways. I do all the things you mentioned and believe it’s part if respecting any and all human beings, not just my husband. Any time we have gotten into conflict it’s been because one of us feels disrespected in one way or another. Good article but just know it applies to how we treat everyone, not just our husbands. They in turn should treat us the same. We are to treat others the way we want to be treated, bottom line
Absolutely. This article was aimed more for women readers, but that certain doesn’t mean they are the only ones who should be respectful.
Great job! I’m also very strong-willed and I have to work hard not to be so opinionated about so things if it’s trivial and unnecessary. Submission came to my head long before it invaded my heart. From the time we had premarital counseling, I knew submission, honor, and respect were important, but now I’m actually starting to practice it instead of trying to clone my husband into another me. It has taken time, but I would rather have a loving husband who cherishes me than to win battles and be a contentious wife. 🙂
I know exactly what you mean! I’m very strong willed and opinionated too! This is something I have to work on every day!
Excellent article, Brittany. We just finished reading Love and Respect in my Wives Bible study. And you hit on a lot of the points fromthe book that we had long major discussions about.
That is one of my favorite books! It’s so full of useful and insightful information.
Let me start by saying that I’m a man with a very high sense of self-esteem. So I honestly DID NOT KNOW that my wife was disrespecting me. She’d speak sarcastically or call me names when I’d mess up petty things. Hearing her call me names, was like her telling me the sky is green… it wasn’t true so I ignored it and didn’t say a word. I thought that by letting things like that bounce off me I was being a good husband… but I was actually appearing very WEAK in her eyes… which invited more verbal spewage.
I’ve since then learned to respond to disrespect. In a calm, unrattled manner, and loving manner… I addressed the issue, and modeled the kind of marriage I we both wanted to have. We don’t have name calling in our house anymore. There’s still sarcasm… but not directed AT me 🙂
That’s awesome. Most people really don’t know how to handle verbal spewage like that. Good for you for finding a way to effectively address it!
Great post, but I’d like to add a caveat, if I may…if you’ve been disrespectful or indifferent for a long time, start very slowly. Men are surprisingly aware of patronage, and being seen as insincere can make things that much worse.
A general suggestion…insofar as possible, try to only use your spouse’s name in a positive context, and never as a harbinger of criticism in the way it’s spoken. If your husband’s name is Andrew and you call him Andy, for example, don’t reserve “Andrew” for dressings-down; he’ll come to hate the name.
Thanks, and that’s a great point. If you’ve been very hateful for a long time, he may not believe you! (Although talking to him can help some with that too–to let him know you are aware of the situation and are trying)
Respect is so important in maintaining a strong marriage. Thanks for sharing at Women With Intention Wednesdays! 🙂
You’re welcome!
I think its funny all of you women say things thats you have done in this article and say you need to improve or feel bad how you at towards your husbands. My husband has done some of the exact something that is in this article,but I don’t take it personal if he goes and checks the gas in the car or oil even when i tell him i already did or gets mad that i run the car on emptyit or does something i already did and he doesn’t take it personal if I go and clean up when his cooking or refold some of the laundry he’s done or reclean after he cleaned. I think every marriage is a give-and-take you can’t just love the part of them that does not get under your skin sometimes. You can’t take bits and pieces of the one you love personality and tried to change him or her. because, that’s one of the reason why you fell in love with them. Its not are jobs to change are personality for the one we love and its not their job to change their personality for the one they one. we all knew pretty much are husbands or wife personalities before we married them at less you should’ve. In a relationship you love everything that makes you love that person. I know that when my husband has to leave out of town for work i miss verything about him even the thing that irritate me. That way i love him for all of him.
No, you don’t have to change your personality, but the way you treat someone isn’t your personality–it’s just something that you do. And if there’s something that I do that drives my husband bonkers or that makes him feel unloved–I want to know so I can stop doing it!
If your husband constantly told you that you were ugly or not worth loving–you’d want him to stop, right? Well, sometimes we as wives communicate messages that are just as hurtful without realizing it or meaning to. And sometimes reading articles like these is the only way we can really realize “Oh! So that’s why he gets so upset!”
Ok if my husband that was calling me name i would not that I would yell and scream until he got to cross and if he still did not understand what he was doing that was hurtful I would leave him beat difference then abusing somebody physically or mentally and doing stuff that just irritates your husband that you me that I would yell and scream until he got Deercrossing if he still did not understand what he was doing that was hurtful I would leave him there is a can beat difference then abusing somebody physically or minced me doing stuff that just irritate your husband or your wife. So you are telling people that if your husband says it irritates me when you do the dishes and cook at first without a smile he would try to have a smile on your face every time or if your kids say you’re irritating mom because you are always getting on to me about things that I’m doing so if you’re going to change and not do that that sounds ridiculous. If you had to take yhat mich time to make dure you don’t irritate or make your husband or wife it said you would never enjoyed being married.
Sorry my Peter is writing other stuff I have to comment later
Sorry i had to reset my commputer. What i was trying to say. Their is a differents between mentally abusing your wife or husband then doing thing that irritate or upset your spouse . If my husband was mentally abused me I would not just sit back and let it happen I don’t know why you even went that Direction with what i said. So for explain you are suggesting if it irritate your husband when you do dishes without a smile your going to put a smile on your face to please him a change or if your husband say it irritates me that you get onto the kids for not making the bed, for not doing their homework or not getting getting good grades you would change to makes him happy. If you spent all of your time trying not to do thing that irritate your spouse you would not enjoy your marrage.
This is a wonderful article. I find that I am sometimes confused when my husband says I’m disrespecting him because I see things from a different perspective. This is very helpful.
Thank you. I will be sharing this with some of the ladies I work with. husband often tells me I can ask him to do anything, but I can’t tell him how to do it. This is a huge problem for most of us women with children. We have to resist the urge to “Teach” our husbands.
Thanks for the article. I realized that I was disrespecting my husband by correcting him all the time. I didn’t realize this until I got tired of him correcting me all the time. That is when I noticed that we both were constantly correcting each other. Now I try to hold my tongue, wether he’s right or off his rocker. If he’s wrong, he’ll find out soon enough.