What do you do when you feel like you’re in an unequally yoked marriage?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a post, and then give you all a chance to link up your marriage posts below. And today we’re going to talk about husbands walking away from the faith.
Here’s a note I recently a received from a woman whose husband is no longer a spiritual leader:
My husband and I met while in our church’s college group. We were both actively involved as leaders. I was drawn to him as a spiritual leader. We dated for two years, but after we got married he revealed that he had bitterness towards the church and felt he had been hurt deeply by people there. He is still a loving, gentle, and devoted husband, but I struggle deeply with this change in his heart. He recently stated he wasn’t sure why it was important to read the bible independently. I am unsure if he spends time reflecting and or praying for our family. He has agreed to be involved in a home group, but I struggle with feeling bitter and angry at him for his lack of spiritual leadership. I long to love and serve alongside him, and am not sure how I as his wife can can support him as he works through this other than praying for him.
Here’s another one coming from a similar place:
Is it possible that God really wants me to stay married to a man that refuses to spiritually lead us? To someone who wants to be a Sunday morning Christian, someone who has no desire to seek the Lord or his ways in any aspect of his life? Someone who is so stubborn that they refuse to change the way they interact with their wife and children despite going to many parenting and marriage classes? I keep trying to do what’s right by staying in a marriage that in so many ways is crippling me from moving ahead. We go to a church that is very weak in their teachings so I don’t have a pastor or even a women’s ministry that would be helpful in this situation.
I want to take a stab at this today, but first, I’ve written quite extensively on some of these topics before, and I think those posts would likely help here, too.
I’ve covered what to do when you feel like your husband isn’t a spiritual leader.
And I’ve covered what to do when you feel like you’re in an unequally yoked marriage.
Here’s a reader who has written a beautiful post about praying for her unsaved husband constantly–and then God answered very dramatically.
Go read those (especially the one about the spiritual leader) and then come back here.
Okay, are you back now? Good.
Today what I’d like to talk about is resentment: how not to let the resentment about your husband walking away from the faith block your own spiritual life, and then block his.
What I see in these letters is a lot of anger. Their lives did not turn out as they wanted. They dreamed of a proper Christian marriage where they could serve God together, and instead they feel alone. And they’re angry. Really angry. They may phrase it differently–I’m lost, I’m floundering, I’m sad–but if you read those letters, I see anger.
And I understand.
But your anger will never accomplish the purposes of God.
And anger is a funny thing–anger is a lot like fire, which is probably why the analogy is used so much in the Bible. Fire needs oxygen to grow. Without oxygen it just peters out. But with oxygen it can blaze up and engulf you.
Are you feeding your anger about your husband’s spiritual life?
You very well might be if you’re doing one of these things:
You replay your past
Our first letter writer is looking at her dating period where her husband was serving the Lord. She thought that was going to be the rest of her life. And so it hurts even more than he changed.
But we don’t stay the same after we’re married. Life happens. It sends us curveballs. We mature. We meet different people. And sometimes people change in ways that we don’t like.
But when you made your marriage vows, you vowed to always love your husband–not just love him as he is now.
Tip: Live in the moment with your husband. Think about what is good about him right now. Encourage him in where he is right now–even if it’s not where you want him to be. Stop thinking about the past.
You focus on his faults
Our second letter writer seems to be focusing primarily on all the things that her husband is doing wrong. And when we do that, we will find LOTS of things to criticize. It’s human nature!
Yet one of the best predictors of a good marriage is that people scan for things to praise, not criticize. When people are looking for the good they see the good and they think about the good. And that will suck the oxygen right out of that anger. But when you’re looking for the bad you’ll feed it.
Tip: What can you thank your husband for today? In the first case, the husband is going to a home group. She’d like him to do more, but that’s a pretty big step if he’s doubting his whole faith!
You thank God for what you do have
Sure, your husband isn’t spiritually leading the family. But is your marriage a good one? In the first case, this looks like a good marriage from what we can see. He’s agreed to go to a home group. He’s not making a big deal out of his lack of faith; he’s just struggling.
I have lots of friends with non-believing husbands who have a huge amount of fun with those husbands. They go on bike trips together. They have fun with the kids together. They laugh a lot.
And I have a lot of friends with believing husbands who have horrible marriages.
You can have a great unequally yoked marriage. No, it’s not ideal, but no marriage is ideal. And the reason that my friends with the good unequally yoked marriages thrive is because they’re not always focusing on what they’re missing. They’re focusing on what they have.
Tip: Build a great friendship with your husband. You have a lot in common other than just faith or you wouldn’t have chosen him in particular to marry. Stress those fun things again!
Do those three things and you’ll see your attitude start to change.
Are you pushing your non-believing husband further away from God?
Many women in unequally yoked marriages make things worse. Our husbands start having doubts and we overreact, thinking that if we can just prove that they have no right to have doubts that we will somehow silence it. We’ll get our husbands back again. So we try to defeat all his arguments, hoping that if we can show how his thinking is faulty we’ll change his feelings. It doesn’t work.
Let me suggest an opposite approach. This is where the admonition in 1 Peter 3 to “win him without words” comes in. When our husbands are doubting the faith, we don’t try to rail him back into it. We just are gentle about it.
And part of being gentle is settling a question in our spirit, and it’s this: God is big enough to take care of your husband’s doubts.
Let me share this quote I put in another post that fits quite well here, too:
Questions are okay. God can handle questions. And many of our husbands will go through periods of questioning.
They may question what they’ve been taught in their particular church background (in the first case, for instance, it looks like the husband is primarily rejecting his church’s manifestation of faith, rather than God overall).
Your husband may be rejecting your cultural expression of Christianity without actually be rejecting God. Please do not confuse the two or you just push him away and drive a major wedge between you–where he is unable to talk about the faith crisis he’s going through because you’ll misinterpret it and think he’s not saved when that’s not the issue. He just may not believe all the doctrines of your particular church anymore.
Here are just a few examples:
- He may decide that hyper-conservative Christianity is not for him.
- He may change from a Republican to a Democrat, or from a Democrat to a Republican (and we read a lot about faith into this)
- He may decide that God could have used evolution to create the world
- He may decide that he hears God better through Roman Catholicism (or through Protestantism)
Many of us, if our husbands did one of these things, would think, “He doesn’t believe in God anymore! He’s become an unbeliever!”, when really he has just decided that he believes differently.
Can you give him room to believe differently than you? Can you give him room to explore these ideas?
Remember this: God gives us room. God welcomes our questions.
In our marriage, we went through a ten year period like this. My husband was questioning everything EXCEPT God. He was questioning so much about what the church teaches on various subjects, like science, prayer, gifts, etc. etc. And it was a scary time for me. But I left the door open for my husband to still talk to me about his doubts. I’d listen, even when I was scared inside. And at the end of that ten year journey we both ended up at roughly the same place–it was just a different place than where we started. But we both have a much greater sense now of the reality of God in our lives.
Now some of our husbands WILL reject God, and not just reject church, and that’s certainly hard. But if you’re in a marriage where your husband is struggling with WHO God is rather than IF God is, then let him be.
Cherish Your Marriage
Just because it’s unequally yoked does not mean that it’s invalid. So to answer our second letter writer’s question: Yes, you have to stay married to a man who doesn’t lead you spiritually. Absolutely. In fact, God tells us this explicitly in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16:
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
So cherish your marriage and love your husband! And if there are bigger issues that are harmful in that marriage (as looks like it may be the case in the second letter writer), then work on those issues and find good ways to address them. But just because a man is not living out a Christian life does not mean you can leave him.
How would that work, anyway? What would you really be saying?
You are not a living a Christian life, so I am going to BREAK MY COMMITMENT and BREAK UP OUR FAMILY and TAKE OUR CHILDREN because you are the one who isn’t holy?
That really makes no sense. Again, if it’s a dangerous marriage, that’s a different situation. But on the whole, we are to cherish our marriage.
So often we get into ruts where we just can’t see the good. All we can see is all the mistakes our husbands are making. When we do this, we’re often blind to our own mistakes. And we limit what God can do in our marriage, because God works best when He has humble hearts to speak through.
Please, if your husband is walking away from the faith, show him compassion. He likely has reasons. Give him room for his doubts, just like God does. Love him during this journey and celebrate the things you do have in common. And I pray that your husband will find his way back.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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My husband and I we’re driven out of his church. We had made some mistakes (our son was a year old when we got married, because when I got pregnant we did not want to further compound the problem by rushing before we we’re both sure). Even after our marriage, I never felt accepted or comfortable there, but my “home church” was 5 hours away so we went. I volunteered one Sunday to work a shift for a single mom so she could be with her child on his birthday. The pastor and elders cornered my husband and tore him down, saying he wasn’t a fit husband because he obviously “didn’t manage me properly”. My husband walked out and didn’t set foot in a church for 6 years. The first 5 he didn’t want me to take our son to any church. So I prayed, and followed my husbands lead. I taught my son about God at home, and put him in a Christian preschool. And I kept praying, and God kept putting in my heart to trust him. My son joined the swim team, and we became friends with some wonderful Christian families. My husband especially clicked with one of the men… who just happened to be a Pastor. And his healing is beginning. He still doesn’t go to church most Sundays yet, but he encourages me to take our son. Whenever people are moving or the there are projects at the church, he helps. He now has several Godly men he talks to often. And while I know God still has a ways to ho with him, the changes already in three kind of man and husband he is have been remarkable. So remember, no matter where you see your husband struggling, pray hard. And if he’s been hurt by religion, God may “sneak him back into church through the back door”, and may take more time then we’d like but it can happen
Monica, that’s wonderful that God is bringing your husband closer! One thing you said really struck me: you said that when there are projects at church your husband chips in. I find that so often: men want to DO something; they don’t necessarily want to sit through a service. So let’s give them room to DO things, too!
Monica the church you described sounds much like the church I attended for much of my life and it is why my first husband has such a hatred for church and Christians and part of his hatred towards God. While ultimately we are responsible for own choices in life and while I was treated even worse than he was and still love God, and accept that Christians and churches are no less sinful than the rest of the world, just that we have salvation, I feel that if the church had treat him properly during his time as a new Christian, his life (and therefore my life and our daughter’s life) would have been very different.
Unfortunately his hatred for the “Christians” of that church grew into hatred of all Christians, and even though for several years I stopped attending church so as not to provoke him into violence, it wasn’t enough and because I wouldn’t turn my back on God altogether, my first husband eventually turned his back on me.
I still pray that, like with your husband, that a good Christian man finds my exhusband and leads him back to God, but I think his anger towards God is too big. Then again, God can overcome anything, so I keep praying. But I also keep praying for there to be more good christian men to reach out to those who are struggling and for more churches to be places of love, not places that tear people apart.
I too hope that everyone that needs Godly advisors find them. Ours was a strange journey. My Dad had a stroke. He was the only Godly man in my husbands life, and him and my dad have actually grown closer than me in my Dad (my dad only had daughters, and husbands dad is an alcoholic who is only sporadically in his life). My sister lives far away and hated not being able to help more. Since swimming was something my dad and son did together, she paid for my son to join the swim team. Where we made friends with kids the same ages we could do things with, things that brought my husband back around. At the time I couldn’t see why things we’re happening, but now Gods hand on it all is so obvious. A reminder that even when we can’t see the reasons, God always has a reason!
Great advice, as always, Sheila! Thanks also for the linkup.
Wow, that’s rough. Just because a man isn’t a great spiritual leader at one point doesn’t mean he never can be, though. Prayer is powerful! as is a quiet and gentle witness.:)
Absolutely!
When I was pregnant with our first child (2 years into our marriage), my husband revealed his doubts to me. To say I was shocked is in understatement. I questioned him about it and long story short, he witnessed, and was hurt by some extreme hypocrisy from some of the more respected members of the church. When this behavior was called into question, members “justified” it by manipulating scripture to suit their own purpose (God never justifies hate). I was silent, and prayerful, and I pray about it to this day (15 years later). The years have been a slow learning process, but learn I have. Here are a few things I learned:
1) He didn’t ultimately reject God, he questioned. He still doesn’t go to church regularly, but he still try’s to live in a Christ like manner. He just couldn’t take the behavior of some members anymore. Especially, since the behavior was openly tolerated.
2) Just because he doesn’t go, doesn’t mean that I can’t. In fact he is very supportive of my going to church and of my efforts to make sure the kids go. He wants our kids to have a strong faith. He wants them to not have the painful experiences that he has had. He also wants their faith to be strong enough to enough to hold firm when questions do arise.
3) He kind of envy’s (for lack of a better word) the fact that while I have experienced some of the same hurts he has, and even some that are worse, the fact that I can hold on to faith and keep trying to live it, and share it. That brings me to number four, which may not be a popular thought.
4) Being a leader sometimes means being a deli-gator. He is the leader of our family, but he has me take the lead with our children in matters regarding faith. He does this because, for whatever reason, he thinks I would be the better choice. If he thinks something I do or teach is wrong he will speak up and after discussing it I will do or teach what he decides. The fact is we always end up in agreement. He know’s the bible and so do I. We both learn and grow in different ways, and we both believe the bible is God’s word and is the place to go to learn when doubts arise. We both love God and want our children to love God.
Sometimes we get upset because our husbands walk doesn’t look like we think it should. When that happens, proceed with caution. It could be that it looks just the way God thinks it should. If we try to force them to follow our ideas of what they should be doing, then we may ultimately cause them to actually reject God because we are presenting a warped image. I feel incredibly blessed that even in my husbands times of deepest struggle, he NEVER tried to force me away from the church or God and that he encourages our children in the faith too.
Great thoughts, Toni! Thanks so much for sharing them.
Another thing wives can do when their husbands are questioning or even rejecting the faith is to learn some apologetics and get some good books (either for the wives to read and share or to have the husband read himself). Unfortunately, much of the church today focuses on church tradition and feelings, and that really isn’t all that compelling or interesting to men, who like facts instead of feelings. Feelings aren’t bad, but they aren’t the main focus of Christianity. Christianity is a knowledge tradition backed up by evidence and reason. It’s about what is true in reality, not just a subjective belief in what you like or think works for you.
Men tend to be far more interested in a rigorous Christianity that deals in evidence and reason rather than an emotional experience on Sundays. So if your husband is not getting very involved in church or is questioning the truth of Christianity, what he needs is to the study the evidence. That’s where apologetics comes in.
One book I highly recommend is Cold Case Christianity, which is written by a former atheist (J. Warner Wallace) who is a cold case homicide detective. He applies his knowledge of cold cases (which, like Christianity, involve no living witnesses and little or no forensic evidence) to the study of the evidence for the resurrection of Jesus and the accuracy of the New Testament. It’s fascinating reading, contains some very powerful evidence, and is not fluffy or emotional (so men will like it). Of course, this is just one of the many good apologetics books out there. I suggest that women with doubting or disinterested husbands read a few such books themselves and then talk about what they are reading and suggest books for their husbands to read.
Thanks for that suggestion, Lindsay!
Sheila, you posts keep getting better and better! Thank you for addressing the real issue here which is the anger. I have a friend who is a Christian in her second marriage, this time to a Muslim. Before marrying, they agreed to raise the children in the Christian, with his religion supported for him. I know it’s not ideal, but they each support the other’s expression of their faith, and she is happy in this marriage. They celebrate where their beliefs converge and respect where they don’t. I was shocked at first, but seeing this relationship thrive and flourish without anger or her expectation that his faith journey match hers has given me a new perspective, and I think it is a good example of walking separate paths holding hands.
Thanks for your kind words, Lois!
HI Sheila,
Great post, again!
I do have a question, why is it that we think the man must be the spiritual leader? I’ve heard this my whole life, and I’m not trying to rebel against it, I’m just curios? Is there a specific verse, or is it just the way we have traditionally interpreted male-female dynamics in the Bible?
I think it comes from 1 Corinthians 11, where it says that the husband is “head” of the wife. And the Greek for that is something like “source”. So that’s the way that I think of it!
There are many other places this idea comes from. It’s not a “patriarchal” old fashioned way of thinking, but it’s the way God created marriage and the roles of a marriage to be. He created Adam first, and Eve to be his helper. He holds the man accountable for his family (Ephesians 5, 1 Timothy 3 and many other places in Scripture.) Just like an employer is head over a company and employees, and on a much bigger scale, God the Father is head over the Trinity and Jesus submits to the Father’s will and the Church submits to Jesus. It’s all according to His plan. It works best that way. 🙂
Hi Caitlin! I appreciate your comment, but there are a lot of assumptions in there that I think many people have, but actually are incomplete pictures.
Take the fact that Eve is Adam’s helper, for example. Do you know that the exact same word that is used to describe Eve is also applied to God in the Psalms dozens of times? The Lord is our Helper (ezer). Same word. So “helper” does not mean a leader-subordination thing at all. It’s better translated “suitable helper” with a connotation that there is a completion there, something that Adam needed that Eve was able to provide, making a whole.
Also, do you know that there are two words for “head” in the Greek? One is kephale, and one is archon. Archon means exactly what you are describing–the head over a corporation. But that is not the word that is used (although it is used in other parts of the Bible). Instead, the word chosen is deliberately NOT that word. It’s the word kephale, which is better translated as “source”, as in “the head of a river”. It’s energy giving and life giving, but it doesn’t actually have the connotation of authority. The word that WOULD have that connotation, and that could easily have been used there, was deliberately not used.
In English we don’t always see these nuances, but they are there. And I think it’s important to realize that, because Jesus wants all of us in submission and humility to serve Him, first and foremost, and sometimes the church can get that wrong!
Reading this, I just wonder if the first letter writer feels the way she does in some part due to the response of her church? It’s not discussed so I don’t know, but I do really wonder.
Before my first husband began to outright hate Christians, he initially stopped attending church regularly due to getting a job that involved working most sundays. While it was quite disappointing to me that he took that job and didn’t try to get a different one, I accepted that it was his choice to make and after the disgusting way he’d been treated the whole time we’d been going there (including terrible bullying from a guy our age who was dating, and eventually married, the pastor’s daughter), I didn’t blame him.
What upset me though was the awful way I was treated when I went to church with people bullying me for his non attendance and his eventual decision to say he was no longer a christian. They didn’t know he was violent towards to me, or any of the rest of the abuse he put me through, and they certainly didn’t know about the cheating (or they’d have gleefully told me). They didn’t know he used drugs (occasionally so they thought) and his decision to stop coming to church and to turn his back on God. I was treated incredibly poorly for it.
I had grown up longing to find a husband I could serve alongside with. I was devastated to realise I would never have this with him. But I didn’t feel any bitterness or anger towards to him. But I must admit, in the past I did struggle with bitterness towards the people in the church I used to attend who punished me for my first husband’s life decisions. While no one had the guts to directly block me from serving, it was all the indirect things, manipulative games like not telling me about opportunities of service they knew I’d been waiting for an opening in until after the opening had been filled – things like that. Or just telling me I wasn’t quite what they were looking for, or not supporting ministries I was involved in etc. And they made it very clear that it was because I was “tainted” by my husband’s life choices. Not only could I not fulfil my longing for working together with my husband to serve God, but because of my husband’s choices, the people in my church who knew I was passionate about serving God, did everything they could to block me from serving in that church too.
I hold no anger for them now, and to be honest, feel very little hurt either , as over the last decade, most of the bullies in that church have shown their true colours and either left that church or no longer attend any church at all. But I raise the issue because it makes me sad because I know this happens in so very many churches. So many new and vulnerable christians driven to giving up their faith because of the bad behaviour of so called “christians” and so many people who grew up in the church but who never quite fit in, who don’t lose their faith but stop going to church because of all the bad behaviours they see in church.
I now go to a really wonderful church where everyone is welcoming. My (second) husband has really been struggling with depression so hasn’t been leaving the house sometimes for weeks at a time (not work, or church or anything really) and for months, I haven’t been going to church or bible study much because I have been scared to go without him out of fear of being put down for his lack of attendance. But slowly, I’ve been going to things more without him and it’s made a huge difference to be welcomed with no judgment of me for his non attendance. Even though I’ve thought really highly of the people in my church for the last few years of going there, I’ve never gotten over that fear of being judged until the last month.
I just wish all churches could be like my current church! What a difference it would make to non christians who come in contact with churches; to the new christians who need nurturing; to the “old” christians who are going through crises of faith; and to those like the first letter writer above who still have their faith but are struggling with bitterness and anger. If the first letter writer’s church was reaching out to her, telling her she was still loved and able to serve without her husband with her there, I really and truly wonder if she’d be feeling so angry?
Just a thought…
“Can you give him room to believe differently than you? Can you give him room to explore these ideas?”
In my marriage, I am the one going through a period of questioning my beliefs.This is a hard time in my life and I cannot imagine having the added burden of someone accusing me of not being “The Spiritual Leader of the family.” I thank the Lord for making me a woman! Giving me a book on apologetics would make me feel patronized. You can’t prove God, that’s why it requires faith to believe.
My childhood was filled with apologetics (Evidence That Demands a Verdict, anyone?) and Bible studies led by good people. Some teachings were just assumed to be Truth and scripture was upheld as absolute for one verse and deemed speaking to Bible era culture for the next. I am still attending a good church and I believe that God is big enough to handle my questions, but my husband is alarmed by them. I would rather he say, “Good question! Why does our church insist on a literal 7-day creation in the face of the evidence of astrophysics, since other statements regarding time in the Bible are metaphorical?” Then we could talk about it as a question, not as me “rejecting the basic tenets of my faith”, which is shame-talk.
Also, when church hypocrisy or sin is the issue, I think too many people look the other way because they are taught to show respect for their “spiritual leaders”. Better to say that you completely agree that the actions or attitudes were wrong and hurtful and suggest either talking to the pastor about it or finding a church with leaders deserving of your respect. I don’t know where this questioning will lead me, but if my church (and the American evangelical church in general) decides that questions are unwelcome, they will lose me.
I so relate to this!
Many fail to distinguish between DOUBT, QUESTIONS, and UNBELIEF. I recall Ravi Zacharias being asked if he ever doubted his faith since becoming a Christian. His reply was that he had never once doubted the veracity of his Faith, but that he is never free of questions.
Give me a student asking lots of questions and I’ll show you a mind trying to understand, not just trying to memorize.
The Creator of the universe taught a handful of disciples one-on-one for three years, only to have everyone ‘doubt’ in the end. But note that not one doubted the existence of God, but rather what He was up to! And I believe that is where most seekers’ questions lie. Not in His reality but in His methodology.
Hello, husband here accused of not being a “spiritual leader”. And its somewhat true. I’m not the spiritual leader my wife wants. however, I am doing these things:
1) I attend church all the time. the doors are open, I’m there. Unless the kids are sick, in which case I tell my wife I will take care of them so she can go. So sunday morning, night, Wed, bible studies, special programs etc.
2) I make sure our family goes to church – all 4 kids. Including any kids programs that run (like teen group).
3) I also serve in the church: at times (multiple years) I have been a VBS teacher, Awana teacher, sunday school teacher, choir member, and nursery worker (yes, i change diapers). I am currently a member of the lockup team – which means the church trusts me with keys and alarm codes. I also run the after-sunday night coffee house (she is supposed to do it with me, but I do all the work). I’ve been nominated for trustee, deacon, and treasurer (but lost on votes). Any special events, I am a member of the setup/takedown/work group.
4) I read the bible and pray daily on my own.
5) Brought 2 of my 4 kids to salvation (wife the other 2).
6) Not to brag, but I’ve been complemented by my mother and father in law (who is the chair of deacons) for being a Godly man – not only that, but a good husband. Also the pastor. In general, I try to exhibit the fruits of the spirit in eveyrthing I do – I find that if I keep that in mind, “spiritual” things are really easy to do.
Now, I’m not perfect, I completely agree, I have many failings..I work hard to be a good husband and father, but like anyone, I fail in ways I don’t like, but I try to apologize and work to better myself. In fact, I thought people were crazy to nominate me for a church officer – there were plenty of more deserving candidates than me. heck, I think my wife is a good candidate (tho the church would never nominate a woman for church office – their mistake, in my thinking). So, Why does my wife accuse me? Basically, I don’t pray with her, I don’t read the bible with her, I’m not some gushing bible thumper, and I don’t volunteer for each and every thing the church does (like she does 7 nights a week), and I don’t do family devotions. So why don’t I do those things, and why am I not a “spiritual leader”? I’ve thought about it for many years, and I think it comes down to these:
1) I’m not really a leader. But I’m a great follower and team player. I’ve gotten tons of accolades at work, at church, and even at home (my own mother in law is amazed at what I do around the house) for being a good teammate/folllower/working. But, I admit freely that most projects I try to lead on – fail. At work (being a team leader of workers), at church (starting a new ministry), at home (just trying to start something new – projects, family devotions, etc – they’ve all bombed. Sometimes its just chance, sometimes its the “followers”, but mostly, I just am not a very good leader. To be honest, I think I’m just too much of a nice guy (yes, you can snigger at that). I don’t like to upset people (as some followers are want to be), I’m not a taskmaster, I do things slowly and methodically, and I’m not a flashy personality. I’m smart but not brilliant, I’m investigative but not inventive (ie, I don’t really come up with new/great ideas – but if I’m given one, I can get it done). I really don’t have an qualities that scream “Leader!”. this is why I don’t do family devotions, or start ministries at church (tho I join existing ones and work hard in them). Quite frankly, I find it hard to understand in the bible how a man goes from being single to married and now he’s a leader, like some kind of magic wand waving. What about young kids who get married (early 20s for example)? All the sudden the guy is supposed to be some leader immediately? Most of them don’t know anything.
2) I’m a scientist – so I naturally question things. Including my faith. I like reading and investigating and testing theories. I believe things I can see, test, and know. Yes, not exactly the definition of christian – but, in a way, I have investigated christianity (via the bible, but also thru historical evidence), and tested, investigated, and read the bible and know Christ – and I believe. But, I think a lot of Christians don’t like that. They just want you to be immediate believers, gushing with some kind of miraculous immediate conversion. That didn’t happen with me, and I think I and others like me are looked at with suspicion by others like my wife who was saved in sunday school when she was 8 years old.
3) For a more specific reason why I don’t pray or read with my wife – we did when we first got married. But then I stopped. Some of you may be upset at this, but this is why: We have essentially a sexless marriage: The first 3 years of marriage, we had sex about 8 times – and most of those were to have children. Most other aspects of our marriage are great, but it was struggle for me to pray and read the bible with a woman who otherwise was so godly, but refused to believe in the importance of sex (or even just physical touch and affection – which is nearly nothing) in a marriage. I struggled not to “preach” while praying, concentrating on other things. Eventually, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and these things eventually died. Correct or not, I just couldn’t do it anymore.
So there you go.
John, thank you for that thoughtful reply and insight. I think it was very helpful.
Have you read my other article on being a spiritual leader? I think you may just have a different “Sacred Pathway” where you get fed in a different way from your wife, and that’s totally okay.
I am sorry about your sexless marriage. Truly sorry. It sounds like your wife must have some major issues that she needs to work on. She’s busy at church, but she’s missing intimacy–which likely means she’s also busy FOR God, but missing KNOWING God. Many of us are in that boat. I hope that you can one day get her to seek counselling and look at the root of why she’s running away from intimacy.
These are great words to hear. I do tend to be a pushy person so I try to be very careful when talking to my husband about God. I guess I am in a slightly different position than many of the women reading the website as my hubby and I were married at a time when neither of us has much faith in God. We had and still have a lot of faith in each other. This did lead to problems after our children were born because I suffered from PPD and was finally diagnosed with OCD. You could say we kind of lost faith in each other: me in having him protect me, and him in me taking care of myself. It strained us. Like I have mentioned on numerous occasions, I found this website and began to talk to a trusted friend also making her own journey back to God (and my gratitude can never, ever be fully expressed to either you or her); and began to feel the pull. I have been on my own journey back to God, and, while I want to share it with him, I am desperately trying to stand back.
Here is why… he is standing beside me and letting me explore my faith, letting me ask him hard questions, and letting me teach our children about God. He is standing beside me seeing all this good happening. Our eldest does not like to fall asleep on his own yet, but after reading prayers, teaching that he can talk to God whenever he wants, and that God is always there standing guard he is able to go to sleep by himself if he knows we are nearby. That might not be a profound accomplishment to some, but it is testament in a little boy’s faith that there is someone watching out for him. My hubby is seeing this, seeing my transformation, but still hesitant. I think he still questions. My hubby is a good man. He helps out family at the drop of a hat, he helps co-workers if they need it with things like rides, yardwork, etc., he volunteers, he goes without to give to others, he is good to our children, and good to me. These may be small things, but they make an impact on those he helps.
I feel his reluctance is due to the fact that he is incredibly self-reliant, and to give yourself over to God, even if you have a small life like us, “takes” some of the things he prides himself on doing for himself out of his hands. I was ready to give many of those things over to God. My OCD had reached a point where it was becoming unbearable, and I was living in a constant state of anxiety/panic. Part of my OCD has to do with rules so I may never be able to read Numbers (this was the book that precipitated my loss of faith 14 years ago when the OCD hit full force), but reading Matthew has brought me down from the strict rules fear and has given me peace. He has not reached that point, but I can tell he longs to. He reads the nightly Bible story to the kids (and that is HIS job), and if I ask him if he wants to read the Bible he will usually have me read him a passage. He is learning, and it is good to read things like this post to remind me that I cannot make him ready (heck, I am still new to my journey); but I can pray, I can show him my faith, and maybe, just maybe, he will find his own way back.
What do you do if your husband has doubts about his Christian faith and since he married you as a Christian that now he thinks he shouldn’t be married to you and wants to leave you?
” But if you’re in a marriage where your husband is struggling with WHO God is rather than IF God is, then let him be.” Okay, so what about the situation where a husband is doubtful that God even exists? I just became aware of this recently, and its staggering.
Oh, Ashley, I’m so sorry! That’s so hard. It is staggering. I can only imagine.
I think it’s the same thing, though. You need to let him be and just love him and encourage him anyway. I think the thing that helps me in relationships like this is just that understanding that God cares about this, too–even more than we do. And no one can come to God unless the Father draws him. So God can do the work. Your husband can still resist, but God can do the work. So that does let you off the hook. Pray a ton. Pray to love and encourage and accept your husband in the here and now. But pray that God pursues your husband relentlessly, and pray for things to happen in your husband’s life so that he is aware of his need for Jesus (that’s the hardest prayer, I think!)
And I just said a prayer for you, Ashley.
Thank you. I’m trying to do all of that. One thing I know is that God is big enough to handle our questions. It’s a comfort to know that He wants my husband to get this figured out more than I do!
I just came across this article and I have to say thank you. The longer we are married, the “worse” it seems to get. But my mind has been racing lately with how everything affects me. Like how people look at us know or how they will look at us once we have kids because I know it will show brighter if it “doesn’t look different”. But what you said about remembering God is bigger than my husband’s doubts and how about in the bible it talks about sanctification. All of that wisdom and advice calmed my spirit. Again, thank you so much. We have a great marriage now (the first couple years were rough, like many couples) and I want to believe that we will continue to have a wonderful life long marriage. If you ever find the time, please pray for us. Please also pray for our families because we get lectured a lot by both sets of parents about the current path we are on. Me especially, I get lectured for “allowing” him and I “need to set the example and put my foot down”. So pray for me against the guilt, shame, and embarrassment that I should not feel. So yes, again thank you for posting this article. It helped a lot.
I’m so glad, Kayleigh! Keep your focus on Jesus, even when it’s tough.
I don’t know if anyone will see this but I’m so lost. I feel like I’m emotionally dying. My husband and I fell in love and a huge reason was our love of Christ. I fell so in love wit many things about him but his Love for Jesus was what drew me to him. Fast forward 4 years and he’s had ups and downs, but claims he’s always had these burning questions he never gets answered and just ignres. He is questioning the validity of the Bible. Last Summer he was almost athiest, and came out of it. Head first back to the man I fell for. Then as quickly as it came, it left. Now he is acting different, not that loving patient man. But questioning the Bible and if Jesus is real. He doesn’t deny God but he’s heavily wavering against Christianity. He seems to need all this black and white proof and is taking the most simple things in the Bible and making them seem like contradictions or pointing out why it seems not true. He isn’t just questioning, he changes when he’s like this. It kills me. I just.want my Christian husband. I feel like I’m living a lie. Just ignoring hoe bad I hurt. We can’t talk about it much or we fight. I try to just be an example but I panic. I feel like he will lead our kids astray. I worry about.his salvation. I worry about our marriage. Please help. I have nowhere to.turn.
I don’t have answers for you but I hear you, I hear you. I am in the same boat. What I do know is that his faith crisis is between him and God, and it doesn’t reflect on you. All you can do is keep living your faithful life. Pray for him, and for yourself. My pastor says I should just continue to model faithful behavior to my kids, and not neglect my own spiritual development. I too worry about the children…mine are a little older and they see dad not going to church, or refusing to take the sacraments when he does go. They don’t understand why, and they want to know why he gets to skip church and they don’t. It’s hard. Just remember that God loves you and by his grace you will live the life you are meant to lead. I wish you all the best – you are not alone in your journey.
Rebecca, I feel for you and am praying for you. My husband revealed to me a couple of years ago that he had doubts about the validity of the Bible. He still believes in God, but is struggling with the rest. I took this personally, and my expectations for my marriage were shattered. I had always imagined that we would serve and grow together. I had so much to learn.
Several months ago through a series of unrelated events, Jesus got my attention and set my heart on fire for Him.
In my case, the Lord showed me that I had idolized my marriage and my husband. The road is sometimes painful and lonely, but Jesus has been near to me the whole time. I got involved in a small group of married women at my church, and several of them have been through something similar. We pray for our husbands and study the Word together.
Finding community has been really vital for me. I pray that you find support. I pray 2 Corinthians 10:5 over my husband sometimes. I know you are praying for your husband, but one thing I did that lifted my spirits was to keep a running list of all of the things I love about my husband. There were many reasons I married my husband, and remembering them has been good for my sanity.
God has used this situation to draw me closer to Him than ever before, and to remind me that He is the lover of my soul, and Lord of my life. Cling to Him. He is good and faithful, and will work everything out for His glory.
Rebecca, I could have written your post myself. It’s eerily similar – my hubby started questioning his faith and the legitimacy of the bible just before our first daughter was born – she’s now 9 months old – and hubby seems to be chasing after science for answers, and isn’t sold on the idea that a ‘God’ exists at all. Every time we discuss things regarding the topic we end up in arguments so we’ve agreed not to discuss things in order to keep us from breaking down. Though, as we go about our lives together, it constantly feels like there’s a massive elephant in the room… but I just can’t face talking about it. I struggle to bring it before God in prayer, because it’s so hard and painful to bare. I too, worry about the salvation of my daughter, and whether my husband’s view will lead her astray, but I keep reminding myself that God saved me despite BOTH my parents not ever setting foot in church.
I’ve struggled the most with the isolation of it all, not knowing anyone else in a similar position. All of our married friends are “equally yolked” or are both non-believers, so I’ve not really known where to turn either. I would love if you wanted to get in touch, so that we could support each other through this? I know your post was over a year ago now, but the offer is there.
Sheila, I appreciate your approach so much! So many people make so many assumptions about changes in faith, and I have literally seen families torn apart by spiritual leaders trying to get people to come back into line with their dogma. It makes me want to cry. Mostly, because I can relate.
I experienced a faith transition about a year and a half ago, and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. Some people move away from faith communities slowly and because they start to be drawn toward different daily habits. For many, however, it is a harsh, heartbreaking and traumatic event where the ways that you have explained your world swiftly and inexplicably die before your very eyes. When a loved one dies, your church family brings you meals and calls to check on you to make sure you’re okay. When your faith dies, people move away from you, and you very suddenly lose your friends, community support and often family connections. I assure you that most people do not do it on purpose and that merely reading the Bible more cannot fix existential crises.
What can help is love. Acceptance. Friendship. Understanding. Space. Freedom to find a new way to relate to spirituality. We are not cookie-cutter people, and we don’t find true communion with God in cookie-cutter constructs. Some people need more room than others, and God makes provision for all these situations.
Finally, for people who may be reading this that can relate, please go to a professional counselor if you need help. Many, many pastors are good and honorable people, but few are trained or equipped to navigate these kinds of situations. This is especially important if you belong to a denomination that is very dogmatic, steeped in tradition or has specific expectations around life choices for its members. When you go to someone with a presupposed outcome, they are unable to have enough objectivity to help you and your spouse navigate to a more healthy space. Please go outside your church for help so that you can work with someone who can respect and accommodate both partners’ positions.
Sheila. Apologetics absolutely has to be mentioned here. Questions need answers. Any woman or man is free to go to my site at deeperwatersapologetics.com or get in touch with me on Facebook to help with doubt.
Thanks everyone for the helpful article and comments. I’m husband with a wife who has been wrestling through some heavy doubting (the eroding/negative kind I”m afraid). I was alarmed, upset, because I was afraid of something being taken away from our family and emotional closeness. I’m learning to listen, offer gentle thoughts on her questions if she wants them, lots of prayer, etc. I really don’t want to see her make the decision to be atheist or agnostic, nor do I want her, in her words, ‘fake it’ necessarily. I told her she can have serious doubts and still belong to the Lord (think Peter, Thomas, etc) She has not wanted to share this with anyone at our church because afraid of the way some people may either pull away or be extra friendly. I am hoping to find someone that I can talk to (christian counselor not in our church community) so I can be a better support for her.