It’s Friday, which means it’s time for my weekly Round-Up!
I share the top posts this week on the blog and on social media, and then fill you in on some “behind the scenes” things going on in my family and my life.
And scroll down–I’ve got a really funny and ironic picture to show you, too.
Now let’s get started:
What’s #1 This Week
#1 on the Blog: Why the Duggar Abuse Scandal Matters
#1 on Facebook: Bringing God into Parenting–Naturally!
#1 on Pinterest: 6 Rules of Relationship Conflict
#1 on Twitter: Ever feel like sex is all “for the hubby”?
Why I Won’t Shut Up
I’ve been criticized by quite a few by talking about the Duggars too much this week. I had the one big post, and then I mentioned it in my post on the Culture War (THANK YOU for the great discussion on that post, too–it’s one of the very few posts I can remember where everyone was civil, no one was criticizing, we were all just trying to understand each other. We didn’t all agree, but it was SO REFRESHING!). I had three posts on Facebook–one pointing to my daughter’s post, one to mine, and then yesterday’s when I tried to explain myself further.
In between I had twelve other posts on Facebook and two other blog posts, so I don’t think this is all I’ve been talking about!
But here’s the thing: the reason I keep talking about it is not because of the Duggars. It’s because the reaction by a large number of Christians shows me that I don’t think we as a church understand the severity of sexual abuse. People are still saying, “the Duggar girls forgave years ago!” And “It’s all behind them!”
For me, this has never been about the Duggars. It’s been about the Christians who, I believe, have inappropriately defended them and thus given a very wrong message to the world, and to sexual abuse victims, about how the church feels about sexual abuse and about integrity.
If people would stop saying these things, I could let it go.
But I see my mission very much as encouraging healthy sexuality within the church. We can only do that when we also recognize what can mar and harm our sexuality and talk openly about the reality of flashbacks, triggers, and healing being a multi-faceted process.
I think I’ve said pretty much all I’m going to say now, although I will be talking later this summer about some of the underlying bad theology in some Christian movements which makes abuse more rampant, but I just plead with people to understand that when you defend the Duggar parents loudly, you further wound sexual abuse survivors who are listening to you and who are hearing you say, “it’s all behind them!” Here’s what I wrote on Facebook:
I’ve been saddened this week in the discussion about the Duggars by how many people don’t seem to understand the long-term consequences of sexual abuse. Our culture has done a good job teaching people about how abuse is wrong; how we should report abuse; how abuse can be present even in outwardly “good” families. What we haven’t done is shared how abuse impacts people–how healing is usually multi-faceted and long-term; how triggers can happen years afterwards; how sexual abuse especially can make “making love” difficult. Combine that with our church’s often shallow explanation of forgiveness, and we get a situation where people honestly think “forgiving and forgetting” is enough–even when a victim is young. We need to talk not just about forgiveness but also about what healing looks like. Whether it’s abuse, incest, or infidelity, trust usually takes a long time to rebuild–even for Christians. Healing is multi-staged because the effects often aren’t seen until later. That’s normal. That’s the way God made our spirits and souls. And we need far more compassion for victims of abuse of any kind than a simple “just forgive!”
On Instagram–I Had My Birthday!
On Monday I had my birthday.
And here was my devotional for that particular day.
Too funny! God’s been speaking to me specifically this year through this devotional. I’ll have a verse I’ll be meditating on that will come to mind about something I’m struggling with, and then the next day that verse will be the main one the devotional is talking about.
I had a specific verse I was praying over one friend of my daughter’s everyday for six months, and on the six month anniversary of me praying that verse, the devotional was, “How to Pray 2 Timothy 1:7 for someone”. It’s just been neat.
So when I saw that particular message, I laughed, because I know God must have a sense of humour.
(Follow me on Instagram, too!)
My Daughter’s Wedding Shower Was Last Weekend
The women from my church put on a lovely shower for her. We were so blessed!
And she has two more showers coming up–her home church where she goes (she lives in a different city), and her family shower. And she already received almost everything on her registry list.
My church didn’t really throw me a shower when I married, and I know not everyone has this experience. But it struck me what a true blessing that kind of community is–to support young people as they’re starting out. That’s something those outside the church really don’t have in the same way. Many people were at that shower who don’t even know us well. But they came to support anyway.
It made me realize–I need to make more effort to go to these showers. I need to make more effort to give encouraging gifts and cards to those just starting out in our church. It really does mean so much. And when young people have older Christians who show they care and support them–that’s a wonderful thing.
There’s another shower in our church this weekend, but I’m going to miss it. Out of town. But now I’m going to make sure I get a card and leave a long note and a nice gift. They blessed us; I want to return the blessing.
Speaking of blessing others, my youngest and I are heading down to Pennsylvania this weekend for grad parties for two of her friends. But we in Canada don’t really do this “grad party” thing. So we’re lost on etiquette.
Any tips on appropriate gifts? I’ve already got some things, but I want to make sure we’re on the right track!
Have a great weekend!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Grad gift ideas: if they are heading to college, anything you need for a dorm room, such as a laundry bag stocked with detergent, softener, etc. A real winner for many girls seems to be a nice beach towel in a cute beach bag. Cash. A book on how to handle your money wisely.
Thanks, Sarah! I got something fun for the dorm room–popcorn maker with popcorn. Is that good? (I don’t think they read the blog so I think I’m safe! 🙂 ). Plus some cash.
A lot of dorms have very strict restrictions on what appliances can be used in them (especially ones with heat). The list is usually available somewhere on the school’s website, though.
Oh, I hadn’t thought of that. Good point. I’ll go take a look!
Thanks again, Sheila, for continuing to take a stand in support of victims of sexual abuse. It’s been disheartening to see the stand that some Christians have taken this week in light of the Duggar and Village Church situations. Jesus told us to care for children, the oppressed, and the brokenhearted, not to focus on maintaining the images of cultural icons or institutions.
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Thanks, Gaye! Totally agree.
For graduations, money is the most common gift and is definitely appreciated. I used all of the money I received to buy my laptop. A lot of people also use it to buy textbooks, which can be very expensive. I also got a few other gifts including a fun set of plastic plates, bowls, and cutlery from my brother and sister-in-law and a beautiful crocheted blanket made by my mentor that I still treasure to this day. I probably got a few other things, but don’t really remember them 8 years later 🙂
Thanks, Christyn! I just feel weird ONLY giving money, so I thought throwing in something fun like a popcorn maker was a good idea? I hope so!
I’ll second that something useful for dorm life is a good call. The popcorn machine sounds fun, especially since you’re including popcorn–free snacks are always a great thing when you’re in college. I commuted myself, but I know that several of my friends who did live on campus also appreciated having some other small cooking things, like a microwave-safe bowl, or some utensils and a pot. There were a couple of dorm kitchens here and there at our school, so we did occasionally do some baking and such.
That’s great that your daughter is getting so much support from her various communities! I was really amazed at how generous people were with my bridal registry, and again now that we’re about to have our first baby. I haven’t even had the shower yet (it’s tomorrow), and I feel like people have already given us a ton of stuff!
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For Grads: Usually I do a card with cash or a gift card–gas card (for students who will commute), Starbucks or Target. Don’t spend a lot of money unless they are family and you want to and can afford it.
I hear you on the problematic responses of some Christians to the Duggars. Evangelicals are very uncomfortable with sexual assault and mental health issues and just want them to go away quietly. Forgiveness is a process and it takes an adult understanding of events to truly forgive. Also, it doesn’t magically fix things. If someone maliciously broke your arm, for example, you might forgive them, but the arm still needs time to heal. Something that hurts as deeply as molestation by a family member will obviously need a lot of time to heal, preferably with the help of a counselor. But the girls can get to a place of healing and wholeness.
Ironically, there is also a problem with the opposite of view of “They’re just fine so let’s not talk about it.” It is the idea that they are damaged in a way that they will never be able to recover and have great lives. I was molested as a child by a family member, never told my parents, but still worked through it and came out fine. In fact, I had a therapist suggest that it was a defining factor in my relationships and I was really angry that he tried to define me by that one experience (thank you, Brené Brown). Lots of us survivors of sexual abuse are living our lives to the fullest and refuse to be put in a box marked “damaged”.
Thank you for that, Meredith. Great story! And what you share at the end is also what I share in my Girl Talk–that there is healing, that you don’t have to live under this forever.
But the healing only comes if we’re honest about what happened. It’s just so hard!
Popcorn maker is genius. Popcorn is cheap, easy to get in any grocery store, and a fairly healthy snack. Genius.
And don’ t stop talking about the hard things. Someone has to, and you do it well.
Okay, good! I’m just nervous that it will seem trivial, in case everyone takes grad parties in a really solemn manner? 🙂
It’s been over 10 years since I graduated high school, but I don’t remember anyone opening gifts during the party. There would just be a table to put them on and they got opened later. I think a popcorn maker is a great gift as long as they’re allowed in the dorm (or wherever they’ll be living!) I also appreciated “fun” things. Coloring books, bubbles, just silly things to help relax when school gets stressful.
Sheila, which devotional do you use that you are referring to in your post? It sounds like one I might like to use. Thanks!
BTW – don’t ever be quiet!
The Word for You Today from UCB Canada. You can see it here. And I won’t be quiet! 🙂
When I got married I had a shower attended by all the ladies of the church. However when I had my first child the church ladies GAVE me a shower; after that shower I needed nothing else.
I kind of miss those days – bridal or baby showers very frequently heavily connected to my church community. I hope my children have this blessing but this church community that I grew up with definitely seems to be missing.
Grad gifts – gift cards to big box stores; oftentimes its hard to travel with stuff and its best to buy once you’ve assessed your dorm room. Bed linens and risers; shower caddy with all the accessories; for a girl her favorite beauty supplies that she may not be able to get once she’s out of town.
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I, for one, appreciate your support for victims of sexual abuse. I find that with many things, people just don’t understand unless they or someone close to them have experienced such a thing.
As I’m learning, life can always be surprising. Last Thursday, my youngest child (almost 17) had a memory flash on her way to school of being molested in a darkened room between the ages of 4-6 (inappropriately touched and a little more) by an older female with blonde hair. My daughter thinks this happened once. I believe hearing about this Duggar situation in the media triggered the memory. She waited until Saturday afternoon to tell her father and myself. We were stunned. I was particularly confused since I’ve always been so careful with my children (who their friends were, where they went). There was nowhere my children went that I didn’t know where they were. After talking to our daughter, none of us could pinpoint this event or the person responsible yet the memory is firmly planted in her mind. Lots of things make sense now such as her longstanding feeling of being touched and a particular troubling dream that she has had for years. She has been very upset and angry since the memory, to say the least.
This week, she met with her counselor who told her that whether her memory is a true one or not, it’s still her memory and is very real and disturbing to her. The counselor also told her that dealing with this memory will not be a one-shot deal. Rather, my daughter will be dealing with this at different points for the rest of her life depending on life itself. She may have further memories, she may be angry/sad, etc. IOW, my daughter won’t get over it; she’ll get around it. So to assume those Duggar girls and the other girl are all fine and dandy and will never think of their abuse again is naive at best.
Thank you for continuing to speak out.
Rose, Thank you for sharing…..I will be praying for your daughter. I am a survivor and I just wanted to say that I thought I was especially vigilant in watching that my daughter would never be abused/molested. And yet, it happened right in our very home. It makes me sick when I think of it. I know that this happened, my daughter is very angry (of course), and my daughter will not discuss this. If you think of it, please pray that the day would come when she would be able to open up to someone….it does not have to be us, but another Christian woman or a counselor. The anger affects her every day. I KNOW that healing is possible and I want that for her. The other really hard thing about this situation is that the abuser was one of my son’s best friends and a couple of years ago he committed suicide. That sort of put him up on some kind of pedestal with his friends. I’m glad your daughter has a good counselor….it is not easy to be healed, but that healing can be complete and total. Let us know how she does.
Something I got as a graduation gift that I really appreciated and still use today, fourteen years later, is luggage. A rolling suitcase small enough to be a carry on and a matching shoulder bag. They’re still going strong! It was my first grown up luggage of my very own. For a grad going to college any distance from their family where they will have to do some traveling to go home for holidays, some grown up luggage is a nice gift that isn’t often thought of. I see sets in outlet type stores for very reasonable prices all the time.
I would just like to take a moment and share my story and my point of view on this. I was sexually abbused when i was 7 years old it started with my biological father my mom then left him (not because of the abbuse she didn’t know about it at the time) and took me to live with another guy she met. After about a year of her being with him he started to rape me but he told me that this is what stepdads did when they loved their stepchildren very much and that it was normal. I didn’t know any better i was 8. Then one day after my stepdad went to work and me and my mom were watching tv this talk show came on and the theme for that day was if your raped does that really count as losing your virginity and all the cases were about young girls like me and i started to cry. My mom heard me and she asked why o was crying and i told because i was afraid that i had lost my viginity and that i was no longer going to go to heaven. I explained to her what my stepdad had done and she called him and he left work and came within the hour. He then proceeded to get on his knees and beg her and told her that what i said wasn’t true that i was just a little kid i didn’t know what i was talking about. He was crying so hard that it even made me cry and he tuened and looked at me and said tell your mom its not true. I felt so bad for him. She ended up beleveing him never called the police and by the time we all went to bed it was as if nothing had happened. What i want to get to is i forgave him and my father and i moved on, i don’t understand why forgiveness in these cases is such an unfathomable concept and yes your right it is hard for me to make love to my husband when he touches me in certain places i do have triggers and i do have flash backs. I think the forgiveness was the easiest part and when i say i moved on i mean i wasn’t banging my head against the wall saying why did this happen to me. I left it to God because i know that one day these men are going to have to go before the Lord and will be judged acordingly.
Amy, I love your attitude at the end! I think that’s really what forgiveness is–it’s saying, “I won’t hold this against you, because I trust that God will work all of this out.”
Forgiveness is absolutely possible–but the ramifications are still there, like you said with triggers. But I think those can also be largely healed–if you deal with it as an adult with full understanding. And many people do experience complete freedom. Unfortunately others do not–just like some people are healed physically and others aren’t. But I’ve seen Jesus do amazing healing when we’re honest and bring everything before Him!
Sheila, I’m glad you keep talking about the sexual abuse, for the reason you mention. People don’t realize the long-term consequences of sexual abuse. And, as a person working on a deep forgiveness issue, I’ve learned that forgiveness of such a deep wound isn’t the instant kind of thing that happens with a simple, “I forgive you.” Every woman I know who has dealt with sexual abuse has needed extensive counseling to deal with it. Whatever healing Josh has or hasn’t gone through is irrelevant to me. I want to know that those girls are okay. Even with all of the criticism out there, the Duggars have not come out and shared that the girls also went through extensive therapy, just that they “forgave” Josh. That, to me, is not a healthy response to sexual abuse.
Mostly, though, to me, it is not as much about the Duggar family as it is about the other sexual abuse victims out there who need to hear the message that what happened to them matters. By taking on this issue, you are letting them know that their pain matters. That someone out there is listening and advocating them. So keep fighting the good fight, my friend. Thanks for being willing to be an advocate for women who need to know that what happens to them is important.
As for the gifts… I’m really all for gift cards these days. My brother argues with me about this, because he says they’re too impersonal. BUT, having been the recipient of registry gifts and also seeing what my friends have gotten from their registries, there’s always a gap of something you really wanted but didn’t get and may not be able to afford. In terms of applying that to grads, who don’t have registries, it’s kind of the same concept. There’s something they really want, but either no one thinks to get it for them, or they think it’s too expensive to get. So maybe that sounds impersonal to do a gift card, but if you put in a heartfelt note about wanting to be sure they got everything they wanted and had that as an option, I personally think it’s really meaningful.
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Danica, I’m so sorry that you had to experience this and I pray that your healing will be total and complete. The only thing I wanted to add is that while it is first priority that these girls get counseling by someone who is especially trained to work with victims (survivors!!) of sexual abuse, it IS important what happens to Josh. It needs to be determined if he was abused by anyone. This never gives anyone a free pass, but he will also need counseling and healing so that this never happens again. His sisters and the other woman may never be comfortable around him again and that is their call. My abuser was not willing to admit his wrong and so he was not in my life, but I do feel like I came to a point of being able to forgive him for ME! Not for him. The triggers are difficult and I pray that as the weeks, months and years, the will diminish for you. Much love from Michigan….you are a strong woman and the Lord loves you in such a very special way.
Wish you were coming to Pennsylvania for a speaking engagement so I could come see you 🙂 that’s where I live.
I am so glad you refuse to ” shut up”, or, as I saw a rather rude commenter say on your facebook, “just hush.” Your words and the truth you speak has helped and encouraged and taught so many, including myself. God is using your voice and I am thankful for you and your books and blog and I hope you won’t let the naysayers suppress the truth and wisdom God gives to you.
I’m from Australia so I’m not hugely familiar with the Duggars, however I’ve been reading the posts this week (yours and your daughter’s) and I agree with what you are saying.
I have always had a rather extreme fear of rape and the year before I was married I had several vivid dreams. It did not cause a problem the first time I slept with my husband or even the second. But there were a large number of times when he simply moved the same way as the man in my nightmare and I panicked and could only continue after lots of reassurance. I have
given it to God and asked for it to be taken away. It’s been almost 3 years now but every now and then during sex something comes back and I have to pause and take a deep breath and pray.
All this to say, sexual scarring of any kind doesn’t just go away. I can only imagine how much worse it is for those who have actually been abused. Keep speaking for them Sheila!!
Great roundup. I am so happy your daughter is being blessed with showers. What a wonderful thing for her to get started.
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