Ever just feel too tired for sex?
Most of us do at some point or other. And because for women are sex drives are primarily in our heads, when we’re too tired to concentrate on sex, our bodies often don’t get in the game. And then sex doesn’t work well.
One interesting study I came across found that 25% of people reported being too tired to have sex.
That doesn’t surprise me, actually. In fact, I’m surprised it’s not higher. I remember when the children were little, and didn’t sleep, and I was so desperate to get at least 6 hours a night (even if it was broken up), that sex was far down on my priority list. It didn’t mean we weren’t intimate; it’s just that I was far more attuned to my need for sleep than I was my need for sex.
But as I wrote in To Love, Honor and Vacuum, exhaustion isn’t just about lack of sleep; it’s also about lack of downtime to recharge our batteries. It’s feeling like you’re working all the time–which is mentally exhausting, even if you’re not physically exhausted.
So let’s talk about that today: what do you do when you’re exhausted and you have no time for sex?
How do you get to the point where you are actually available to yourself and to your husband, both with time and energy?
Here are 10 ideas that will help you STOP being too tired for sex. And remember our Top 10 Tuesday philosophy: don’t try to do them all. Instead, pick ONE or TWO ideas that especially speak to you, and try your best to follow through and implement them this week.
Taking Time to Emotionally Recharge
Exhaustion isn’t only physical; it’s also emotional. When we aren’t doing things that feed us, we’ll chronically feel exhausted, even if we’re getting 9 hours of sleep a night. So let’s start with emotionally recharging.
1. Recharge Your Batteries Appropriately.
Some people are real extroverts, and they won’t be charged unless they get a lot of time to actually talk to people. If you need it, you don’t have to feel ashamed of it. Just schedule in some time everyday to talk with a friend, or go out for coffee after dinner with her. If you’re an introvert, and you need time alone, tell your husband this, and ask if he can do the bedtime routine so that you can have a bubble bath. In other words, be realistic about what you need.
If you don’t need time alone to feel invigorated, but you need time outside, then take a jog. But don’t feel guilty for taking time away from the kids! They can stand to be with their dad for a while, and he’ll be happier if you’re available to him later. It’s like the quadrant idea I shared with you last week: we all need to do those “important” things that recharge us if we’re going to have energy to pour back into relationship. So even though it feels selfish, it’s actually the opposite.
2. Find Someone to Watch the Kids.
If you’d love to try #1, but you don’t have time to yourself because of the kids, find a teenager in your neighbourhood to watch the children for two hours after school a few times a week so you can get some time to yourself. Don’t just use the time to do errands that won’t replenish you; put a priority on doing what you need to do to feel awake. Or ask your mother or your sister to watch the children for a while. Find someone to be your ally!
3. Schedule Half an Hour of “Me” Time During Your Day
Don’t let yourself come last in your list of priorities. Schedule time in now, during the day, for you to rejuvenate, whether it means taking a jog, doing a craft, having a bubble bath, or just praying. Take your lunch break at work; when the kids nap in the afternoon; in the early evening when your husband does kid duty. When you do have free time, use it for you, don’t only fill it up with more “things” that you really should get done. The most important thing to get done, after all, is to pay attention to your marriage.
It’s easier to spend time on yourself when you see the benefit in it. You know your marriage is important, but realistically how much time do you dedicate to nurturing it? Do you only pay attention to all the “things” you can do for your family, rather than just being there for your husband? He needs you, not just clean laundry. And when you feel connected to your husband, you also feel more energetic and more excited to get that housework done later!
4. Take One Thing off of Your Schedule
What is making you too busy today? Is it your church commitments? Your children’s schedule? Your hobbies? Whatever it is that is causing you to stop thinking about your husband and start thinking about other things needs to stop. We all need downtime. So find the one thing that is sapping your energy the most, or causing your mind to wander the most, and get rid of it if you can.
5. For One Week, Keep Track of Your “Highs” and “Lows”. Write Them Down.
Not sure what those things are that sap your energy? Try this exercise.
Everyday, think of your “highs” and “lows” for that day. But don’t think only in terms of “when I was happiest” or “when I was saddest”. Think instead of it like this: “When did I feel most invigorated, like I was in the groove and making a difference?” and this: “When did I feel my energy most sapped away, like I was doing something I hated and could barely get through it?”
This is a fun exercise to do with your spouse, because you learn so much about each other (and you learn stuff about yourself, too!) But if you trace this for a week or two, you may find a pattern to when you feel your energy the most sapped. For me, for instance, it’s when I have to deal with my email inbox or when I have to decide what comments to let through on this blog (I get a lot of mean ones or just plain unhelpful ones). It’s exhausting. And after realizing that these two things completely stressed me out beyond all proportion, I hired someone to start doing it for me!
6. Practice the art of compartmentalization.
Men are wonderful at keeping things in their place. They’re not as distracted nearly as much as we are because they’re not naturally trying to multi-task. We do. We multitask naturally, all the time. And believe me, sex is not a good time for multitasking! You should not be writing grocery lists in your head while you’re being intimate. You should not be planning vacations while he’s kissing you. When you’re with your husband, practice being with him. Concentrate on what he’s saying. Concentrate on how he feels. And above all, stop thinking!
If you’re finding that difficult, then when you are making love, keep asking yourself, “what feels good right now?” You’re not judging him; you’re forcing your mind to pay attention to your body, and that can help you focus and concentrate.
Want to Boost Your Libido?
I created the Boost Your Libido online course to help you figure out how to stop this cycle when you’re always too tired for sex, and how to get to the point where sex is something that’s exciting and enticing!
Check it out here.
Taking Time to Physically Recharge
7. Go to Bed at a Decent Time
Adults need bedtimes, too! If you have to be up at 6:30, that means you have to get to sleep at 10:30. If you want the chance for other things to happen, then you have to be in bed by 10:00.
That may seem early; but the average person needs eight hours of sleep to function at their peak (and I know that’s really hard when you have little ones!). So go to bed.
8. Teach Your Kids to Sleep on Their Own
If your children need you to lie down with them to get them to go to sleep, or need you to rock them, or rub their backs, you’re going to find your nights are taken over by their bedtime routine.
Children who need their parents to get to sleep will also need their parents to soothe them whenever they wake up in the night.
Here’s why: they’ve associated you with sleep. You do this, too. Think about your favourite pillow. You need it to sleep. What happens if you wake up in the middle of the night and your pillow isn’t there? You turn on the light and try to find it. You fully wake yourself up because you can’t get back to sleep without your pillow. But if you wake up in the middle of the night and your pillow is there, you likely roll over and go right back to sleep without anything even registering.
If you’ve taught your children to associate you with sleep by “putting them to sleep”, then your children need you to sleep. When they wake up in the middle of the night, they will call for you. And that’s not healthy for anyone.
Kids need to be taught to self-soothe. That may mean a rough week when you stop rocking them, or lying down with them, or rubbing their back until they fall asleep. They may cry a lot. But they will learn, and then it will be over, and you’ll have your nights back again.
9. Treat Your Body Well
Exercise a little bit everyday, even if it’s just going for a walk after dinner. Eat fewer carbs and more protein. Stretch a lot! An inactive life makes you more tired. A poor diet makes you tired. And not using your muscles makes you tired. Start small if you have to: take a walk, do 10 minutes of stretches with your children every day; start getting rid of the packaged foods and the bread. You’ll find if you do small things, your body will start to like it, and you can add more small things to your routine that do add up!
10. Recruit Help for Evening Chores
What keeps you busy at night, and stops you from relaxing with your husband? Is it the laundry that’s piled up? The dishes that need to be done? The bills that need to be paid or the emails that need to be answered?
If you find yourself working, especially after the kids go to bed, then that’s a problem. We all need downtime, and if you’re doing chores at night, it will be much harder to transition to romance time.
So take a look at what you’re doing at night, and ask yourself: can it be done earlier? Can I recruit other people to help me with some of this? Can I talk to my family about sharing the load? Can I hire a housekeeper to do some of it? Try to rearrange your schedule so it doesn’t need to steal your energy late at night.
Here’s the truth: often we think we’re exhausted when the issue is we just have too much on our plate, and thus too much constantly going through our brains. Turn off the constant noise in your brain telling you to do more, and turn on that part of your brain telling you to slow down, and practice being in the moment. You’ll find you’re less tired, and much more in the mood than when you’re always focusing on all the things you “should” be doing.
The biggest “should” in your life is about your marriage. You should be enjoying your husband. Are you? If not, learn to! Make it a priority. And turn everything else off!
Which of these 10 ideas would help you NOT be too tired for sex? What has made the biggest difference in your life? Let me know in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Here’s my #1 way: if you -claim- you are too tired for sex – stop adding more things to your life! If you don’t, at best you are disingenuous. At worst, you are a plain lying.
So, if you are too tired for sex, don’t:
1) Have a baby. Or 2. Or 3. Or 4.
2) Volunteer for a non-paying job.
3) volunteer for every committee, ministry, and job at church
4) Stay up until midnight doing crossword puzzles
5) Start going out at the gym – and the only time you can go is 6am because you are “too busy” the rest of the day
6) Schedule parties every week for your friends.
John, I’d agree with those things–but honestly, most women don’t do all of these, especially #6. I think most of us would love to get some friend time in, but we don’t have time with all the kid stuff! And having a baby is absolutely important. I don’t think we should ever say, “I won’t become a mom because then I won’t have sex anymore.” Having a baby is part of a complete life. I think the key is to find a way to balance the marriage and motherhood.
I know you’ve been hurt in your marriage, and I don’t mean to diminish it, it’s just that your comment sounds a little bitter towards women, and honestly–most of us don’t do all of these things. We just get worn out from regular life!
My comment is really a question! I am married to a good man. Our only source of serious conflict is that I would love an ‘ours’ child, and my husband, at 51 with two grown children feels we’re too old. I am 43. I see his point, but feel my life and ourmarriage is incomplete. I can’t stop thinking about this -especially during sex. Then I feel ungrateful and guilty for not counting the blessings I do have.
“Turn off the constant noise in your brain telling you to do more, and turn on that part of your brain telling you to slow down, and practice being in the moment. ”
This is an incredible insight, and will help fix a lot of problems. It is not appreciated enough in the North American evangelical church, which considers “busyness” an act of worship. My pastor recently floored me in a sermon by suggesting that if you didn’t feel God’s comfort, you were maybe not doing enough ministry and other church activities (and listening to worship music in your car, but that’s another topic). Better advice would be to “be still and know that I am God.”
Yes, I’d agree. I think I may have misrepresented myself a little bit last week on my series on not wasting time, too, and I’ve considered going back and trying to write a disclaimer.
You see, I don’t think that spending time being still or that doing nothing at all is wasting time. For many people that’s necessary! We need margins and processing time.
My problem was with the 5 hours many of us spend in front of a screen everyday.
I think the key is to figure out what feeds you. Video games can’t feed you; they just can’t. But napping can. Doing a craft can. Taking a walk can. These things are part of a healthy life, and too often they get squeezed out by screens!
I love this, Meredith! We all need to be mindful to center ourselves on Him before we find satisfaction in any other activity.
My number one – Have sex first! THEN, set about the tasks of the day or evening. We’ve really learned to enjoy sex in the morning, especially during weeks where we know we will be wiped out by evening.
So many of your other tips are helpful, too. For me, it helps to remember that I have time for what is important to me. Sometimes I have to remember that a connected, satisfying marriage is more important that folded laundry. Yes, I’d love to be able to “do it all,” but most days I’m quite content to just do him.
Such a great idea! Thanks for reminding us.
Or sometimes you’re both super tired because your kid has a chronic disease and you have to get up a lot during the night–every night–to keep him alive. I’m not exaggerating. My husband and I are working together to make sure we’re intimate when we can be. Sometimes the exhaustion is just something you have to work around, in all aspects of life. It sucks, but it can be done. I’d also just like to mention, to encourage the other ladies, that sometimes when the husband is exhausted and stressed it’s hard for him to be in the mood, too. I wasn’t expecting that, and it took a lot of talking to get it straightened out.
Oh, wow, Raven, it sounds like you’re dealing with so much! That’s amazing that you and your husband are putting so much effort into keeping your marriage strong. I pray for you and your little one. I know what it’s like to have a chronically ill child, though mine is no longer with us. Many, many blessings to you.
Thanks Sheila. 😉 I’ll always take the prayers! And FWIW I find your blog to be one of the few that really addresses Christian marriages that keeps in mind the extraordinary circumstances—so kudos. 🙂
Another option if you are having a hard time finding time to get stuff done, but can’t afford an actual babysitter a couple times a week is hire a preteen just to entertain your kids outside/in another part of the house/etc. Much cheaper for you, and it gives the child some experience and somebody they can use as a reference when they get older. My 11 year old “babysits” 3 kids a couple days a week while their mom works out in their home gym. About 4 hours a week, where He’s out playing and not on video games, and he makes $10 a week. It’s a win situation for all…her and I both get our recharge time, my son learns responsibility, and her kids have someone who has the energy for all their games
Thank you for sharing this. This past calendar year has been a very overwhelming one for us, as we are self employed and our business has grown & changed and there are so many new things we are dealing with. My husband and I have not taken the time or had the energy to spend with one another sexually, as we should. We recently talked about not adding more to our plate, as we know other areas will suffer. Sure do appreciate this read and the tips you shared and the tips others have. It’s truly a blessing. It was like it was a huge elephant in the corner of the room, and until we talked about it, did we both have understanding and look forward to the changes in the future.
Just remember, sometimes sex HAS to take a backseat due to circumstances. Such as healing from having a baby, illness, emotion or mental stress. And that’s ok too. Great article for everyday NORMAL tiredness! And yes, a lot of times the HUSBAND is too tired, or stressed for lovin’. Remember that some of us are way jealous of you ladies whose husbands chase you around the house constantly. You wish your man didn’t want sex? No, you don’t. Trust me. I spent years dying inside and even considered having an affair to sooth my emotional and physical needs. Luckily therapy has enabled me to speak up about my needs from him and helped him to see that my needs aren’t coming from a selfish place but are part of my love language. We have come so far, thank you God. And thank you Sheila for this blog site. I am someone who is new to going to church but started reading your blogs prior to because of the good common sense you give and different viewpoints in a safe environment. I am always trying to learn!
So true, Angie, thank you! I did write an article on when it’s men that are too tired for sex, too. I think I forgot to link it! And you’re right–in about 25% of marriages SHE has the higher sex drive, and that absolutely must be communicated and talked about, too.
I’m glad you found my blog–and that you’ve started going to church. That is so, so cool.
Thank YOU Sheila!! I love your blog. Have you done, or thought about doing, an article on post partum depression? Sorry off topic, lol.
You know, I get a lot of requests for that, but feel hopelessly inadequate because I never had PPD. And it’s so difficult I wouldn’t want to treat it lightly or with not enough compassion. Hopefully someone who has walked through it will write me a great guest post, because I’d love to run it!
It’s kind of like how I don’t feel really qualified to talk to military wives. They go through so much, and I haven’t been there. So while I can empathize, I think that’s a unique struggle.
Great tips here! Love ’em, Sheila.
One thing I learned the hard way has to do with you talking about making sure your activity really rejuvenates you. I let myself get talked into girls’ night out activities or scrapbook parties or even Bible studies as ways to get a reprieve. And while those are all good things, they didn’t refresh me. I’d have been better off using my time back then to write for myself or read the Bible on my own, because THAT’s what recharges my battery. It’s hard to say no to friends wanting to help, or fight off the feeling of guilt for heading to the coffee shop alone while your husband handles the baby, but if I had to do it over again… In the end, there would have been more of me to give to others, including in my marriage bed.
So true, J! I find that those activities don’t rejuvenate me, either–they exhaust me. Even though I’m a mild extrovert, I do need a lot of time on my own. I find knitting relaxes me far more than all those “good things”. And that makes me more available!
I am having such a hard time lately. I get up at 5 am to go to work, and when my husband gets home at 9 if our daughter is asleep he wants intimacy. I am never feeling it due to the long hard days. Mostly I go along anyway but I am pregnant now and I’ve just been feeling awful. If I say no, he is uptight and grumpy. Since this is our time together it makes me feel so guilty. But I am worried about emotionally damaging myself by saying yes when it literally makes me feel so terrible. I don’t want to dread sex. But I also want to prioritize his needs and I do believe they are needs and not just wants. I guess I’m just venting. Thanks for the excellent article.
That’s so hard! Can you talk to him about carving out time for each other some other time? Or maybe watching your daughter earlier in the day so you can have a nap? You really do need it if you’re pregnant!
This is really great. We still struggle with this, but it was really bad when the kids were little. Add to that a total lack of libido due to pregnancy, post-pregnancy, breastfeeding and then birth control pills. I was so clueless! I was so busy being busy that I didn’t make time for what was really more important, long-term. Thankfully, no serious damage was done to our relationship, and things are better than ever, although not perfect.
That’s great that you recognize the issue now, though! Woo hoo!
Hello, I’ve loved reading your blogs.. However, I can’t find anything about a pregnant wife (with or without tiring toddlers!) how do I find energy and hormonal desire when my body is literally giving energy into growing a human and all my hormones are in baby growing mode? Please help! Thank you. MrsG