What does it mean to really respect your husband?
Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today a reader asks how she can respect a husband she still doesn’t trust:
I found out about my husband of 5 years had been addicted to porn and caught him by innocently searching through his photos on his phone while nursing my son in bed one morning. I regularly asked to use his phone so my looking through it was nothing unusual at all. The difference this time is he forgot to hide his stuff apparently this time.
We have had MANY hard conversations since then. He’s been getting help, hasn’t looked at it since July (when I caught him) and has been genuinely turning his life around and back to the Lord.
Here’s my issue: I still don’t trust him yet. I’ve forgiven him but trusting him again is something that takes a lot of work and time. We aren’t at that point yet. Is it possible to respect him without trust?
I do try but he doesn’t feel it anymore. I know it’s incredibly important to show respect and even biblical. I guess maybe I don’t know what respect truly is?
I’m being the best I know how to be while feeling so broken but it doesn’t seem enough. Please help, I’m so confused. 🙁
Great question–and one that there’s a lot of confusion about. I want to leave the question of how you rebuild trust someone after porn use, because that’s a separate question that other posts do address.
Today I want to tackle respect, because it’s something we hear a lot: women need unconditional love, and men need unconditional respect, and we wives ARE to respect our husbands.
I’ve heard this love and respect dichotomy frequently, and many books explain this perspective well–like Love and Respect. The problem is that while love can be freely given, respect as a whole is something that is earned. It isn’t something which is just automatically bestowed. Loving an unlovable person is something many of us do all the time. But loving an unlovable person doesn’t involve declaring that this unlovable person is somehow lovable; it involves loving them regardless and choosing to treat them well.
To respect someone who is not worthy of respect is much trickier, because we think of respect not primarily as an action as much as it is a feeling.
How can you respect someone who hasn’t done anything to earn it–but has instead squandered it?
And so today I’d like to take a broader look at what it means to respect someone, and what it is that we do owe our husbands.
Dictionary.com defines respect in these two primary ways:
esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability:
I have great respect for her judgment.deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment:
respect for a suspect’s right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.
The first definition is the one we usually think of, and it is dependent upon the actions of the person. You earn respect.
The second definition is slightly different. It says that we are to respect their position as husband, regardless of how he’s acting.
And that is certainly something that you can do. So God is not asking you to actually approve of anyone’s behaviour or “esteem” anyone. He is asking you to show deference.
But what does respecting your husband mean practically?
I actually think respect is part of healthy boundaries, as Henry Cloud and John Townsend talk about in their book Boundaries in Marriage, and I’m personally more comfortable with their way of framing the issue. They ask us to do this: imagine everybody as a farmer’s field, with fences around what is their responsibility and under their ownership. In your field are your own actions; your own feelings; your own opinions. You have control over these things. You should not let others trespass. So no one, for instance, can “make you angry”. Anger is a choice that you make.
At the same time, other people have their own feelings and opinions and actions, and you need to not trespass on their field. So your husband is allowed to act his own way. Your children are allowed their feelings (even if you don’t like them). Your mother is allowed to rant at you if she wants. But you are then free to respond to that rant as you want. You can’t control the rant; you can control your response.
So to respect someone is to say: I recognize where the fences are. I recognize and honour your fence, and I will not trespass it.
In the case of marriage this is super important, because, as I’ve said before, most women do have control freak tendencies simply because we feel responsible for everyone, so we want to make sure they act the right way.
We need to not try to control our husbands, but let them be free to act. And to defer and respect also means that we acknowledge that their dreams and ideas for the family matter, and that we will get behind those dreams and pursue them with our husband, even if they aren’t always our dreams.
To respect your husband, then, does not mean that you approve of what he does. To respect him means that you acknowledge and support his right to choose what he does.
That’s a big difference. You aren’t trying to control him.
In the same way, to love your wife does not mean that you feel that she is lovable. It means you choose to treat her well and cherish her, no matter what she does.
To get back to our letter writer, she is largely equating respect with trust. Trust absolutely is something which is earned; we should never trust someone who is untrustworthy. And often we think that the respect that is asked of us is in the same category. But it is not.
So if you have a husband who isn’t trustworthy, what does respect look like?
I think it’s like this:
I will not try to control you or prevent you from using porn. I acknowledge that you have the right to freely choose whether to seek accountability or not; whether to watch porn or not; whether to rebuild the marriage or not. I am not free to try to manipulate you, guilt you, or cajole you in any way.
However, just as you are free to choose, I am also free to choose. And if you do choose to continue to watch porn, know that I will be taking these actions (and you can figure out what those are). I am not trying to control you by doing this; I am simply doing what I believe is best for me and our children based on prayer and on the godly counsel that I have received.
I hope and pray that our marriage can be restored, and I will do everything I can to build that marriage. I want to find things to do to build our friendship. I want to spend time laughing together. I want to enjoy meals together. And I know that you are free to make that choice as well, or to not make that choice. Regardless of what you choose, I will treat you with love, and I will treat you with grace.
What I really want, however, is for both of us to look more and more like Christ, and going down a really bad path isn’t going to help that. So if you do go there, I will have to take action. But in the meantime, I will not nag you. I will not manipulate. I will not look over your shoulder. I will not blame you or yell at you for my own feelings. I will take my sadness and process it with friends and with a counselor. I will work towards building up our marriage. And I will pray that you will do the same.
When someone has broken our trust our impulse is to stick to them like glue and check their phone and computer constantly and nag and cry and rage. And that isn’t respect, because it is “violating their fence”. But setting up an accountability partner for your husband so that you know he is getting help, as well as setting up conditions for what you will do if things do not change, IS part of respect, because just as he is free to choose, so are you. It’s honouring your own spheres of influence and control that God has given you, so that we don’t unwittingly become a sin enabler.
Some may say, “but that’s manipulation!” No, it’s not. To manipulate is to underhandedly use emotional, social, and sexual tools to try to pressure someone to do it our way–it is to take away their agency, their right to make a decision. Unfairness is a large part of manipulation. We’re not doing that–we’re acknowledging their right to make a decision, but we’re also acknowledging our own right to make a decision. And it isn’t underhanded. It’s right above board, and in line with God’s thinking on sin.
I know it’s hard to stop nagging and yelling and crying when trust has been broken, but I think that’s what respect means in this case. But I’d love to hear from you: how have you respected your husband when he’s acted inappropriately? How do you draw healthy boundaries? Let us know in the comments!
Note: if you and your husband are battling porn, Covenant Eyes is a great way to install accountability–painlessly! Check it out!
UPDATE: And if you’re still having trouble with figuring out how to respect someone that you can’t trust without making his behaviour worse, I’ve written more about this. Here are 10 signs you may be respecting your husband too much–or at least that you’re operating under the WRONG definition of respect. It may help clear things up even more.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
“In the same way, you wives be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives,
as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
Your adornment must not be merely external-braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses;
but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands;
just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
1 Peter 3:1-6
Look, I completely believe the Bible, but this is the sort of thing that drives me nuts: “drive by” Bible quoting using the Bible as a weapon against women.
Do you believe that women should not wear gold earrings, should not braid their hair, and should not wear fancy dresses? Of course not. You are cherry picking from this passage which, by the way, has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with how a wife deals with a husband’s sin.
Why not quote Matthew 18:6-9 and Matthew 18:15-19 instead? It is as if so many people think that the ONLY response a wife can ever have is silence–despite the fact that other Bible passages clearly say otherwise.
Thank you, Sheila. I am so tired of people using individual Bible verses as clubs. I have two very smart adult children who are struggling with American-style Christianity because of this behavior. They know the Bible and can spot the inconsistencies in how some people interpret certain scriptures.
It really is a big problem. I’m considering writing a manifesto for Thursday! But I’m still praying about it…
Thank you for thinking about addressing this as this is how my dad and 2 of my 3 brothers have chosen to “support” me in a marriage where my husband turned into an alcoholic who became emotionally abusive and is in an emotional affair that has so many things to it that would make your jaw drop and when I finally found more stuff in his phone that he had blocked me out of with HER phone number!!, I told my brother who is a minister to find out if I had to prove it was sexual to leave. He did say that that relationship had gone on long enough and needed to stop but after he talked with him now me and the kids need to go down there 2 hours away for at least the summer and I need counseling and to look at why he would choose to he with her over me and those verses were quoted during a different talk. And they expect me to have no contact with my husband for awhile! Not from her! So the disconnect between us will grow greater while he can continue to bond with her! She was his best friend’s wife but they are divorcing and he has moved out and she pays him to do every little thing arojnd her house! It’s more but you get the idea… I just don’t know what to do and have precious little time to decide. We have 5 children
Hi there,
That is such a tough one, but I will say this: your husband probably won’t realize what he’s giving up until you actually do move. It could be that your brothers are right, and that you do need to get away. That may be the wisest thing. I would read the book Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson, because that’s really good at explaining how you need to be tough in order for a wayward spouse to understand the consequences of their actions. I wish you all the best! How terrible to have to go through.
Please let me know if you do. This way of thinking has been making me question my faith entirely and makes me rather not be married if I must just submit to an untrustworthy husband. It would be great to have help understanding. The bible seems very aimed towards men, and to no surprise, was written by men.
Hi Amber, I’ve actually written quite a few since that was published! Here’s one you may like it.
Sheila,
Thank you so much for openly addressing this. I’m so sick and tired of women being abused and suffering all type of consequences of their husband’s actions based on quotes like “submit yourselves”.
Been with my husband for 5 years, he was a nice guy when we met but kindness was far from him (eg: he shut the door in my face because he had to quickly open another door for another person; i was left standing under the rain after we parked in a restaurant because he had to offer our umbrella to another lady that was much older), I showed him the difference and he made progress.
Ever since we met I have had to manage our financies because every time I give him the honor to be the one to manage it, he gives it to everyone else in the name of “help others” and then we go broke and wouldn’t be able to eat or pay bills, so I shared with him how to leave within our means and told him we will not prevail if he continues to spend as he wants being that we don’t have the extra funds he wants to spend but here is my struggle: HIS FAMILY. They think I’m controlling him and that I’m changing him my way. He allows his own family to blasfeme me as they please without intervening on my behalf, thought he enjoys and likes and learns from my ideas cuz they give us positive results; he allows them to always break the rules of our house and our way of living when they come around, they attack me and call me names through texts. Emails, and even in his own face and he just says nothing about it, any member of his family can do what he dislikes and he takes it calmly but when it comes to me voicing about any hurt or concern he goes nuts, just two weeks ago I found out he himself has been participating in conversation against me with his family, he will come home and be a good husband but goes behind my back and spend so much time with his family while they bring all the worst about me. I mean we are at the point that his brother has been making decisions in our marriage and home without me knowing, he has been influenced by on how we should run out marriage all this time without me knowing, his brother always involves himself into our private and personal life and my husband handles it as it they actually Have the right to do so.
Now I’m a the point of DONE with them. But my husband came to me and apologize like he always does and said he will not allow them to keep doing that to me (like he always says), so I’m deeply tired and hurt at this point. I love my husband and he has been good to me. I want to believe in his apology and change but I’m struggling because I’m not sure if he actually means it this time or not.
I just don’t trust his words anymore. We have a 7 months old that we both love and he is an excellent father but again, he prioritizes his family over Anything, mostly his brother’s family and his mother. That his brother is also married with two kids and my husband did all in his ability to always help them financially and support them in all.
I told them all they are not longer welcome in my house since every time they’re around I fight with my husband over them and since they always poisen his ears about me and they think that is ungodly and unloving and controlling
Your story resonated with me. Here’s why: Although I’m not married *yet, there are some definite red flags going up with my fiancĂ©. I’ve been practically knocked over and had the door slammed in my face too because he tries to open it for someone else. Same with your rain story. Everyone else’s feelings are considered when we are out in public except mine. He will come to a dead stop and practically knock me over to make sure someone else has the right of way in the grocery store. His constant apologies don’t hold any weight anymore. I’ve talked to him about these issues and he says he’s not going to stop because his “mother raised him with manners” – even though he’s being incredibly discourteous to me. I’ve tried explaining this and he doesn’t see the connection. He has gone broke several times by helping everyone else out, paying for everything. When the time came for his friends to return the favor, of course they were no where to be found. Both his parents have a terrible history with money. He paid their mortgage by sending checks to them, but his mother ( who’s been in America for thirty years and still can’t read English ?!) “didn’t know” the checks were for the house and spent it on herself and the house got repossessed, leaving them homeless. My fiancĂ© wants to help everyone else out, which is noble, but also I’ve gone broke supporting him. It’s all been at my expense. He was injured terribly on the job two years ago and they cut off his disability payments after some time, so I’ve been supporting both of us working two jobs ( one is my own business) around the clock. He helps around the house but it’s not enough. I’m ready to call off the engagement and break if off completely because I don’t want a lifetime of this madness – of him putting everyone else before me in the name of “manners”, of making poor financial decisions….the list goes on. I feel like I’m taking care of a child, not having a life partner. He doesn’t listen to any of the advice I give about anything. He’s incredibly stubborn, lacking in social skills and frankly embarrasses me out in public because he can’t keep a conversation flowing – instead he says random off the wall things irrelevant to the current conversation – leaving my friends looking at me so very confused. I find myself resenting him and daily screaming at him in my head saying “be smarter than that!” because he’s definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed. I’ve asked to go to counseling and he says yes but nothing happens. Our communication is lacking because he just doesn’t have the intelligence to keep up with me – he never graduated high school and instead went into blue collar work where he worked his way up and was able to make a decent living – which of course he squandered and gave away to everyone else. I pray daily that I will have more compassion for him because he does have a lot of redeeming traits but the red flags are so big that I’m ready to run for the hills !
I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this! It really sounds like you’re wise to break off the engagement. There are too many red flags, and you are seeing them. You are being wise, but I know it’s hard.
AMEN!!!
I don’t think u can give what u don’t have because respect is a reciprocal if u respect me u will surely get more of it from me, my husband is a cheater but his always cheat with a very low background girls, irresponsible girl, he doesn’t know how to lie but he is a layer, my marriage is 8years now have never rest for a month because his always change his concubine, how do i respect such man that disrespect my marriage vows,
I used to wait around for my wife to change so my feelings could get aligned with how I was supposed to feel.
Unfortunately, this made things worse, not better. When my wife was not proving herself worthy of my love, respect, or trust (because she’s, you know, human, just like me), I withheld myself from her in many ways—yet these were the very times when she most needed me to show her love, respect, and trust.
I realized a while ago that it is when my wife is most unlovable that she most needs love. I have learned, too that when my wife least deserving of respect that she needs it the most. I would say that with many things, it is also when my wife has struggled with trustworthiness that she most needs me to trust her.
Over the past few years, I’ve worked hard not to let my feelings control my actions. I’ve spent a lot of time reminding myself that my feelings do not need to drive how I treat my wife.
You left off verse 7 bro. Super convenient No? Nice try though. Way to grab up something out of context.
I find it hard to respect my husband when he is constantly playing video games in his spare time. We have a two month old and a house. Things need to be done. Lawn needs to be mowed. Dishes, vacuuming, grocery shopping etc. THAT’S LIFE! How do I respect him when I’ve told him “honey I think you should spend more time with your daughter and I” or “can you stop playing soon and do this or that.” I do badly want to tell him to grow up! Yes he has a job. So did I before I became a SAHM. It’s like he doesn’t understand or care that every time I see him Playing video games it drives me mad. I literally see red. And he wonders why I’ll feel sad or say we’re disconnected. How do you respect someone who doesn’t seem to care or understand your feelings? He knows how I feel About his frequent gaming but does it anyway- although he says he plays less now that she’s born but I don’t see a difference. He plays at least everyday, sometimes for 3-4 hours. Which means I’m wth the baby and exhausted. He’s a great dad and loving husband but it’s like he enjoys gaming more than regular adult life. So frustrating. I wish video games didn’t exist.
Lindy, that’s a lonely situation to be in. I’ve written about video games before–here’s post 1, and there’s a link in it to post 2. I hope those help!
I’m in the same situation, except he’s been playing more and more ever since our 16 month old was born. And it’s a minimum 3-4 hours every day, sometimes 12 or more. We both work, but he’s dropped back to officially working 4 days a week because his work was fed up with him missing work, and the reality is, he’s barely averaged 1-2 days a week since our bub was born – I work that much! Yet I’m doing 90% of the housework and childrearing, and the 10% of the “childrearing” he does is to dump our toddler in a playpen in front of the tv and play computer games on the days I’m working and he’s not and she doesn’t have childcare. What’s more frustrating is that rather than do what I do (which is try to get my shifts to line up with her childcare so there are few days she is in childcare when I’m not at work which isn’t easy since I’m on a 24/7 rotating roster – and all my days “off” when she is in childcare are actually spent in my many medical appointments that I can’t take a child to, so I rarely get days off, even when I’m sick), but he deliberately has his weekday off on a day that she has childcare, so when I get rostered on weekdays we don’t have childcare, he then takes another day off from work to “look after” her, while I work which basically means the tv babysits her while he plays computer games.
Because he is up til 3am or later nearly every night playing computer games, he is just missing day after day after day of work. I’m not perfect – I miss a lot of work because of health problems and only work part time to start with, but I work every day I possibly can, against medical advice, and we’ve basically reached the point where we can’t pay your bills, and soon we won’t be able to pay our mortgage (and where we live, it’s cheaper to buy than rent, so if we lose our home, we won’t be able to afford to rent either and we will be homeless), all because of his stupid computer game addiction.
My first husband was a drug addict. As awful as that was, at least people understood. I’m sick of hearing “oh it’s just computer games, it’s harmless fun”. It’s not harmless fun when we have to borrow money from family for food and bills because what I earn basically only covers childcare and professional costs, so hubby’s income has to cover all our living expenses.
The thing is, despite all this I still offer my husband respect. I defer to his decisions no matter how bad they are – the only decisions I will not follow is when it endangers the safety of our children or if it’s sinful. But I don’t believe in the dichotomy of love and respect. What hurts me isn’t that my husband doesn’t love me – what hurts me is the that he doesn’t respect me! I’m not asking he respect me as head of the household – that is his role. I ask though that he respect me as a fellow human being and child of God – and he refuses to do that and I can’t take it anymore.
Respect isn’t just for men. How do you keep respecting someone who has no respect for you?
Butterflywings, I’m sorry that your marriage isn’t getting any better. I don’t think your issue is respect, though–I think it’s that you’re going to lose your home, and that’s really what you need to deal with.
It is not loving your husband to allow him to endanger his work and his family. Part of being a helpmeet is to hold his feet to the fire when they need to be held there.
So perhaps saying to him, “we need money for food and the mortgage next month, and you’re not providing it. Unless you start working full time and stop using needless childcare, then I will have to take some steps with the video games.” (handing them over to a counselor to return only once he’s worked full time for a month? Asking a counselor what you should do? Go to a church and ask for help?) I know you have health issues and have said before that you can’t get to a church and there’s nowhere to turn to for help, but if things really are this desperate, then I think that you need to take steps to get some real help, even if it’s hard. It can’t be harder than losing your home.
I do hope that God convicts him. I really do.
Thanks Sheila. I ended up contacting the pastor of our church even though I’ve only met him twice. He said he’d make contact with my husband but he hasn’t yet. Although that may be because hubby rarely has his phone on so my guess is the pastor has tried and just hasn’t been able to get through yet. We are seeing a marriage counsellor but I think we’re working on the wrong issue. She is focussed on teaching us to communicate which I don’t think is the issue. We are more than capable of communicating, just hubby will neither talk to me nor listen to me – which is an individual issue, not a couple issue. I’ve done everything the counsellor has said to do with no change in the situation at all. We have our next counselling session on friday and I’ll be raising the issue that I don’t think the problem is a marriage problem per se, rather it is my husband’s individual problems that are being a problem for the marriage.
I actually managed to get hubby to talk to me last night eventually (something I think he’d only do because we were skyping rather than being near each other as I’m away). I raised the financial issue – only to find out he’s borrowed even more money from his parents in the last two weeks and didn’t tell me and we are even further behind on the bills than I had thought. I know it’s purely due to him not working (he isn’t secretly spending it on drugs or gambling or other things). Even though we don’t have shared accounts, I can do the maths and know he is telling the truth. I’m surprised things aren’t worse to be honest. I’m just upset because yet again, he didn’t tell me and probably wouldn’t have except I asked him directly about how much he still owed his parents. He won’t lie to me but doesn’t see that deliberately not telling me things unless I ask directly is still deceitful.
I also raised the issue with him about how I can no longer cope with him playing on the computer 5-10 hours every single day. I read the articles you wrote on gaming and sadly even though they are great advice for most people, they don’t apply to our situation – he actually pushes me to spend more time with other people. He would be more than happy for me to play computer games (with other people, not him) as much as he does, or for me to go out and do other activities – anything as long as he doesn’t have to look after the kids and can spend the time by himself. He’s not into MMO games, he just like ones he can do by himself as he likes being by himself.
I asked him why did he get married if he wanted to spend all his spare time alone and he compared the five minutes he makes general chit chat with me about unimportant things on most days, to the five hours he spends on the computer minimum every day. And that he sees that five minutes as a duty, not as pleasure. I spent our entire dating and engagement looking forward to living together when we got married, whereas he seems to want to back to our engagement period where we only saw each other for about a week every 3 months and even then weren’t living together and not always seeing each other every day during those visits.
So anyway, when I said the 5+ hours gaming every day had to stop so he could stop neglecting his wife and kids, he totally misunderstood. His response was he’s happy to cut back on his gaming and go back to some of his other hobbies he had before our baby was born and I then had to explain to him I’m more than happy for him to go back to sport (as he’s put on weight and is constantly tired etc) because it would be good for him physically, mentally and socially and his other activities, but that my problem isn’t with the fact that he’s playing computer games, but rather how much time he wastes having “fun” and when he chooses to do it because of missing work, not taking care of the kids properly when I’m at work and so on. That he needs to cut back on his fun time and stop neglecting his duties to his family, no matter what he does for fun.
And that’s where he ran into problems. He just insisted he needs time to relax and be by himself. I tried pointing out that spending 5+ hours relaxing a day is neglecting his family and neglecting his duties as a christian too but he just kept insisting he needs that relaxation time. I tried pointing out to him as a result I get no time to relax because I spend my time desperately trying to do the work of two parents and his response was just “well you should relax too”. Basically implying that since he neglects his family, that I should do. Same with work when I pointed out I’m working more than I physically should be doing, he said work less. But we already can’t make ends meet. How does me working less help?
I don’t know. I’m at the end of my rope with where things are at. He needs a wake up call. I’ve tried talking to his mother but the overall message I get is just he won’t listen to her and sometimes the only way to get through to him is for him to suffer the consequences of his bad decisions. But it’s not him that is suffering. It’s me and the kids. I’m going to have to speak to the pastor again and say just how bad things are, but I just don’t know how to do it. I’ll leave it til after our counselling session on friday in the hope that the counsellor can help before going to the pastor about how bad things are.
My husband had a similar video game addiction- World of Warcraft. For almost 2 years, I cajoled and nagged and worried and “expressed my concern that this is evil”. Nothing worked. I did not think our marriage would make it. One night, on my knees, begging God, I felt like He was saying this is His battle, not mine. So I prayed every day for 2 months, take his desire for this, zip my mouth. Then one day, he stopped playing. He just said, I lost interest.
Thank You God, because that was His battle and He won!
Best advice yet 🙂 thank you Jesus. So happy for you Cristi 🙂
Unfortunately, reasoning, begging, cajoling, explaining, etc. do not work with addiction, because the addict’s thinking is wrong and their priorities are wrong. The addiction is more important than anything else in life. It is more important than family, friendship, sex, money, food, everything. The effects on other people simply don’t register as important, because the addiction and the addict’s involvement in the addiction are all that matters.
The long-term consequences of his actions might be that he will lose his job, damage his health, end up on the street, etc. Maybe that will be his wake-up call. But you and your children cannot afford to wait for that to happen, because it will happen not just to your husband, but to you, too. Your first priority needs to be to take care of yourself and your children. You can respectfully allow your husband to continue making his own decisions, and in the meantime, make your own decisions.
It might mean starting with something as simple as going to counseling without him so that you can learn to cope with the situation on your own. It might mean something as extreme as putting the house up for sale and moving to a small apartment. It might mean asking his parents or yours to take you and the kids into their home. It might mean getting a legal separation (if that’s possible in your state) so that you will not be responsible for his bills. It might mean something completely different from those ideas, that I’m not in a position to think of, but that will become clear to you when you stop trying to change him, and start looking for things that you can do.
I really hope that you can get through this and that things will turn around for you.
Do you think texting, flirting, sexting, dating apps and all that are a form of addiction? It sure seems hard for some guys to stop.
I have been married for 34 years and we have 3 beautiful children who are all married, and now blessed with 4 grand children. My husband became addicted to opioids over a course of 5 years and in that time started lying to me a lot. Several of them were financial issues, two of which cost us 7,000 of savings that I have put away after finishing my Masters degree to keep our family home. He has become so good at lying that he doesn’t even blink. Now I get blamed for his problems and he has gone to people I normally communicate with like family or close friends and talked bad about me. I feel isolated away from them. He does not work because of being disabled so he is home every day. I don’t know what he does while I am at work, but lately strangers have been coming to our home out of the blue. When questioned about who they are, he gets defensive. In fact, he is defensive about anything we talk about. I don’t want to throw 33 years away, but it is wearing on me emotionally. He can be so mean with his words.
Oh, that’s terrible, Darlene. It sounds like something serious is going on, and I would put it this way: for the SAKE of those 33 years, you need to do something about it. It’s not good for him to continue like this, and you love him and don’t want that for him. So I would stop keeping secrets. I would see a counsellor about this, talk to the child that he’s the closest to, talk to his doctor, and tell him that certain things have to change. Don’t do this lightly, though. Get a support system around you first so you can stick to it. But you don’t want him to go down that terrible road, either.
Gaming is an addiction. I was a gamer as teenager and luckily God woke me up with a power sermon. The thing about games is it IS better than real life in the idea that you can feel accomplished (passing levels or goals) and if you’re online you have a community that draws you back in. You can feel accomplished and socialized without working! What a deal! Now it’s a false idea and really you are accomplishing nothing and you are killing your relationships around you. Just giving some insight to why games are so addicting. Games are made to be addictive, that’s how these companies make money. I hope your husband wakes up and realizes there is more to life.
I should mention that he will do things if I ask him. I know that we are both just trying to find a balance now that we’re parents. And sometimes he’ll do things around the house without me having to ask. And he’ll spend time with her – I know it’s harder for
him to connect with her because of her age right now. But these dumb video games always seem to be the center. I don’t know how to communicate it anymore- do I just keep on prayin about it and suggesting other things to do?
Building trust is hard. I have dealt with both porn use and infidelity by my husband. As part of building that trust back I have needed to look over his shoulder to see his behavior. Seeing that his actions have changed has helped me begin to trust him again which makes it easier to treat him with respect. When you are in the position of the one who has been betrayed and repeatedly lied to it is hard to respect someone and trust he isn’t lieing again. Trust and respect to go hand in hand to some extent. The more you can trust the more you can respect. When someone has learned to hide their behavior like my husband did with his porn use and affairs then he has to be open to have everything looked at by the one he lied to in order to show he can be trusted again. We are seeking counseling from a Christian counselor who says that anytime I want access to his digital devices I should have access. It builds the trust I can have in him. If he refused it raises questions and distrust. I can say that personally he can make his own decisions and I can then make my own decisions based on his. But I also need to have all the information I can to make those decisions. When trust isn’t there that is hard to do. I’ve been working on this for 8 months now, trust is building back up because I see I can respect his actions more and more. I can also say with all the work we are both putting into restoring our marriage, if I found out he had been hiding things from me all this time I would be devastated and all the trust and respect would be shattered again. He knows my actions if that happened would be vastly different than they were the first time.
Tiffany, I’m so glad that you’re in the process of rebuilding! That’s wonderful. And it sounds like you have a really wise counselor. You’re right–it will take time, and it requires real openness on his part. And I totally agree that you should have access to his devices. In fact, I said very vehemently in this post that that’s a major Red Flag–if he won’t let you see his phone, there’s a REASON.
I’m not sure I made that point well in this post, so thanks for bringing that up. There absolutely must be openness–I just don’t think that you can be always asking or trying to check up on him as if you are the accountability partner. I think instead there should be a strong accountability relationship–and then openness on his part to voluntarily show you things. I have known marriages, though, where the wife was constantly checking and asking him and it backfired. I think doing what you have done with a third party is the ideal.
I have an infidelity issue in my marriage and I have forgiven and we are working on the marriage and he has given me all his passwords. The issue is he created secondary accounts that I had no idea about and therefore having the passwords and total access does not matter. How do I build trust then?
I forgot to say that this is the second time of infidelity.
Tiffany, I’m so happy that you and your husband were able to work things out. I just recently caught my husband in an affair, again with the same woman. We were going through counseling and my trust in him was finally reaching a point where I wasn’t feeling like big brother and then I discovered the affair through phone records. How were you able to go through rebuilding over multiple instances?
I found out about all the affairs at the same time. I first discovered he was having a long term affair when he got a new phone. His old phone was still picking up our wifi and he was sending messages to her through facebook. I confronted him and actually surprised myself in staying. I always thought I would leave if my husband had an affair. But our marriage had not been good and I knew that wasn’t the only thing broken. During the process of talking about why he had the affair he confessed to several one night stands before the long term affair. He was trying to fill what was missing and thought sex was it. When that didn’t work he turned to an affair that was both sexual and emotional. He traveled for work so it was very easy for him to get away with. If I had found out about one and then the others happened after that I don’t know if I could ever trust again. If you aren’t getting counseling I highly recommend it. We are seeing a Christian counselor who uses emotionally focused therapy. Look it up and see if there is someone near you who does that. We are getting to our fears and emotions about why we do what we do and react how we react. We’ve come a long way but I still feel we have a long way to go. It’s not easy and he still travels some which makes it very hard on me. But he isn’t traveling to where he had his affairs so I don’t think that hasn’t been picked back up. I do have a hard time trusting him when he does travel. He tries to do things to make me feel better like call when he is going to eat and tell me who he is with, someone from the client he is working with. I do fear he has accounts that I am not aware of and is still communicating with his emotional affair. I have confronted her too, she knew he was married and I wanted her to face the consequences of what she did. I now have all his passwords and would have caught him much sooner had I had access to his phone or computer before. He wasnt good at deleting their conversations and emails. There are days when I can say I almost completely trust him and other days when I don’t trust him at all. I know he is still fighting the porn issue, he hasn’t gotten an accountability partner which really bothers me. But he has gotten some counseling for that. It was more of a way of withdrawing from our problems which the affairs kind of replaced. Now that we are working on things he says he doesn’t feel as drawn to porn as before. But I know he has turned to it when we have had short periods of disconnect. While I don’t what to be his babysitter when it comes to porn I do call him out when I know he has been looking. I tell him how it makes me feel and don’t look the other way like I used to. The trust is getting there but is very fragile. Honestly if he had another affair at this point I don’t think I could stay and ever trust him again. We are putting too much into rebuilding our marriage for him to do that to me again.
What does a person if a husband refuses to get an accountability partner (or says he will but refuses to actually organise it) but there are no boundaries to put in place that won’t end up making things worse for you and your children?
I am so glad you mentioned Boundaries in Marriage. I found out that my husband was having an affair. I sought counsel from my church and was told, “Be like a duck, not a doormat”. Reading Boundaries and applying the duck/doormat theory really helped. I tried to act like a duck, letting his actions slide off my back. If I felt his reason for being late wasn’t legit, I would call him out once and then not mention it. To me being a doormat meant that I would ignore it hoping it would go away or allow these feelings of betrayal to cover me until I exploded. I decided being a duck meant making him aware that I was picking up on his lies, but not bringing it up over and over gave him the opportunity to make a better choice. I never talked with him like Sheila suggested, but I think throughout our journey, I conveyed everything she advised. I chose to continue working on our marriage believing he would make the choice to end the affair and return to us. I tried to only talk to a few close friends that I felt could handle the information without treating him differently so he would not feel disrespected. Thankfully my friends lived up to my expectations and to this day several years later, he still asks me I told. I have explained that it is not important. They were supporting me and praying for our marriage. Now that that part of our journey is behind us, what good would knowing do? Finally though, out of respect for myself, I had to take a stand. He was continuing to lie to me and was not getting closer to ending the affair, so I told him we would get through the holidays with our children and then contact both of our parents and a lawyer. I could not live this way and if he wanted this new life, he had to make it real and stop living a fantasy. This woke him up. Maybe in your eyes being a duck didn’t work, but I think handling it this way showed him that I respected the fact that he had a choice. I wasn’t going to punish him like a mother punishes a child. I was his wife, and although I didn’t agree with his choices I could not force him to love me. It wasn’t easy, and maybe the fear of everything coming out and actually living with this choice in the open scared him too much. I don’t know what exactly turned him around, but he recommitted himself to our marriage. We both tried to respect each other as we moved through the hurt and we have a stronger marriage today. Trust took a long time and I will admit I still have issues at times with trusting myself to trust in him. Thankfully, he has owned up to his past choices and will discuss things I question.
I recommend Boundaries in Marriage to anyone I talk to having problems in their marriage. I think it does an excellent job explaining how to respect your spouse while also respecting yourself.
It really is a great book! That’s an interesting take on the “duck” principle; I like it. I’m so glad you’re rebuilding your marriage!
I have struggled with the love/trust/respect thing myself for quite some time. Our Life Group leader gave each couple a copy of Love and Respect a few years ago, but couldn’t bring myself to read much more than the first few pages, since I have so little respect for my husband, and due to many recent lies, my trust is eroding as well.
In the nine years we have been married, my husband has worked at a job that truly helped support our family for only two years. That was at the beginning of our marriage, and since then, he’s been unemployed outright for well over half our marriage, and drastically underemployed for the rest. He seems perfectly satisfied to let me work my full time job, as well as other part-time jobs, to support us. At one time, I’ve had four part-time jobs in addition to my full-time job. Not only does he lie about his job efforts to me and others who inquire (usually friends at church that have been so faithful in praying for a job), but I’ve caught him in a number of lies, just in the past month. He *knows* I know he’s lying, but doesn’t seem to care. This often places me in a very difficult position. When he lies to our Life Group about his job (or job efforts), his health, etc., I either have to call him out (which certainly isn’t showing respect to him) or sit by and listen to him telling these lies. Then I end up feeling complicit because I know it’s an untruth, but haven’t said anything.
What a mess…..
I’m so sorry for this mess! Is there any way that you can talk to the LifeGroup leaders and ask them to sit down with the two of you? You really do not need to help your husband save face when he is doing things that are taking him more and more away from God. Can you talk to the leaders about it confidentially?
Sheila: I’ve already got a lunch date tomorrow with my Women’s Bible Study leader. Her husband is an elder in our church and she’s walked this road with me for years. Three of the men in our Life Group are either current elders, or previous elders, so I plan to ask my Women’s leader for advice on how to approach our church leadership. My church has recently been through an exhaustive study of 1 & 2 Timothy (I had hoped the week on 1 Timothy 5:8 would get his attention….) and we are now doing a series on ‘I Am A Church Member’, so I’m praying that they’ll be willing to come alongside us and work with my husband on accountability.
To complicate matters further, my husband had a stroke about a month ago. The Lord spared him most of the devastating effects of a stroke, and he’s doing remarkably well. His doctor released him to return to work (a job he’s only had for a month prior to the stroke) a week ago, but after just one day, he went to his doctor and asked for another month off. He’s telling everyone that the doctor took him off, but I know better. I was at that appointment. My gut feeling is that he’s going to milk this for everything he can, as he’s again at home, watching TV all day. Meanwhile, I fear he’s burned his bridges with his new employer, as they weren’t happy to hear that he’s off another month (they saw him and realized how well he was doing). If he was truly disabled and needed this time to regain job skills, that would be one thing. But he’s NOT working on his reading (which was marginally affected)….instead, he ordered ESPN, and a host of other movie channels, from our satellite company the very day he was discharged from the hospital. I only found out when I went to pay bills last week. He had told me we had free previews for the month.
I am praying that my church will step up to the plate, as you’ve mentioned before, to partner with him in accountability. And while we both know God is able, I suspect my husband will feel betrayed and will leave the church. Which, I guess, is his choice. My choice is (as you put it) to do what is best for me, based on prayer and on the godly counsel that I have received.
I would appreciate your prayers.
Kitkat, I am so sorry. So very sorry, and I will certainly pray for you tonight and tomorrow! It sounds like you’re doing just the right thing, though, and so the results are up to God and up to your husband. You are only responsible for doing what is right yourself. May God grant you peace and hope.
Thank you very much, Sheila. Blessings.
This was really good for me to read & I plan on getting the boundary book. Still recovering from infidelity & having trust issues that certainly interfere with my respect. Now I can see how to separate but still may have difficulty living it out.
Thanks for this post. I’m in the middle of a battle trying to figure out how to make boundaries without being selfish and how to respect my hubby without any trust. I”ve found porn on my hubbys tech devices twice in the last few months. Plus he’s decided that God no longer exists so we no longer share a faith or worship together. I’m completely devastated and have no idea how to make our marriage work. Besides reading the boundaries book and counseling anyone have any other tips?
Oh, that’s so, so hard, Lindsay. I think just trying to be open and communicating is key–asking him what his definition of intimacy is, and what he wants from the marriage, and if he thinks you’re both heading there. What can you do to build the marriage up together? I think people sometimes just don’t realize that what they’re doing is not in line with their goals. I’ll hope that someone else has some good suggestions for you, too.
Sheila,
These comments sadden me greatly. All these husbands hooked on video gaming have no clue how much they’re missing. I very nearly lost my wife thanks to an online game we played TOGETHER many years ago. The land of fantasy overtook our reality in more ways than one. All thanks to Jesus for fixing us!
These comments have sparked my thoughts to write on the vid-game addiction and how it affects intimacy (no, I’m not just talking about sex – but the entire package of intimacy within marriage.)
I think I will start this evening.
I think that would be an awesome thing to write. In addition to my previously listed issues my hubby is addicted to video games as well. I would love to hear your thoughts
The post I promised is now live, and linked to this reply.
Enjoy!
That would be great, Jason! I look forward to reading it!
It’s live, Sheila.
http://songsix3.org/gamer-or-husband/
Wow, this is a very timely article for me. I have a friend dealing with a similar situation. This is definitely what she needed to hear. Thanks so much for explaining this.
My husband struggles with several substance addictions that fuel a sex addiction including porn and keeping in touch with exes who send naked pictures. A year ago, he had a very hurtful affair and I’ve not forgiven him yet, nor her. He continues to try and continues to get help but it doesn’t make it easy. We have a LONG road….please pray for us…there’s always hope and reconciliation.
I did say a prayer, Bethany! I’m so sorry for your pain.
I struggled with the Love and Respect book and videos because I don’t think that it’s such a clear divide. I want both love and respect and so does my husband. When I am angry with him and feel like he is not doing what he needs to do to “deserve” respect, I remember that I show respect to him by treating him with courtesy–a word that showed up in the second definition. I try not to nag or demean, but to bring up problems in a way that invites him to work on a solution with me. That is my part. It is his part to respond in kind (showing respect to me), but if he doesn’t, well, I can’t make him.
I would agree, Meredith. I find the dichotomy a little off, too, and I think to love someone without respect is to baby them or hold them in slight contempt. It isn’t healthy. I know he’s talking about the primary need, and it is true that women need love first and men respect first, but I’m just not sure that it’s that straightforward because, like you said, you can’t have one without the other.
This article came at a good time for me, because my husband has a porn problem. He has been taking steps in the right direction, and we are meeting with our pastor. I struggle with the trust issue though.
Your paragraphs on what real respect looks like included this: “But in the meantime, I will not nag you. I will not manipulate. I will not look over your shoulder.” But how is a wife to take the proper steps to support her own healthy boundary if she doesn’t do some looking over his shoulder? How does she know when she needs to take action on her own behalf without doing some checking up on things?
Yes my question too???
That is a very good question, AC, and I think it comes to this: you really need an accountability situation where someone else is asking the hard questions, not you. It’s just not a healthy dynamic when you are the one constantly asking.
And then maybe set up a routine where every Sunday you check his phone or computer or something, and if there’s history missing, that’s a red flag.
By making it a routine, then you’re not nagging, you’re not running after him or peering around corners or trying to catch him at anything. You’re backing off, knowing that a) someone else is asking him the hard questions and will involve you when necessary; and b) you’ll get a chance to verify on Sunday, so you can relax.
It’s that eternal vigilance on your part, and the always feeling like a suspect on his, that sets up a really unhealthy dynamic that does need to be addressed.
Now, if he refuses an accountability partner and refuses to let you see anything on a regular basis, then you have a major red flag and you have to let some consequences happen. But if these things are in place, then at some point you have to stop being the police, if that makes any sense.
I keep coming back to “to respect him mans that you acknowledge and support his right to choose what he does.” Thanks for the simple, doable definition. It has already helped me show respect to my husband.
Maybe I should get out now, because I can’t be this person. I do hold him responsible for my feelings due to damaged trust, lying, and not wanting to let me go but not wanting to take accountability. It’s too far past me being able to change that. I can’t. He needs to change, or he needs to find a stronger person than me.
Sheila, I love your stuff. My wife and I read it all the time and I make following you on Facebook mandatory in pre-marital counseling.
I would like to add thought for you in the “earned respect” department. When I talk about it I don’t say that it’s earned, God commands love and respect from spouses and I don’t think either can be earned. They must both be given free of charge, by grace. Jesus condemns love for those who love you back (earned) as heathen love. Likewise respect, look at your definition again esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person”. For the believer our sense of worth or excellence does not come from our behavior but because of the behavior of Jesus on our behalf. We are valuable and worthy of respect because of who we are not because of how we behave.
Your spouse is made in the image of God and while his behavior may not reflect that, it’s doesn’t change his value at all. When a spouses behavior isn’t respect worthy, that spouse isn’t living up to the worth that is his birthright in Jesus. No spouse ‘deserves respect’ because none of us ‘lives up to what we should do’. We play video games, golf, or just ignore you. We get addicted to porn or substances, we cheat and lie and hide. We are angry and afraid. None of that stuff is worthy of respect. But the way a wife can truly ‘respect’ her husband (not just his position, that’s not real or personal) is to respect the man God made him to be. I’ll leave you with a quote from my last marriage ceremony (it was my daughter):
Also Jessie, God will grant to your heart a great honor and respect for him. Know how I know? Because he tells you to honor and respect Him and anything God wants you to do he completely empowers you to do it. So there may be some days, (not many I trust), that your beloved isn’t acting respectable or honorable. On those days your respect for him is an act of grace, and grace is a gift that you give him even tho he doesn’t deserve it. Here’s why God told you to respect him and will make you want to. Â The way you look at Andrew somehow gives him the power to be who he is supposed to be. When Andrew walks in the room and he sees you perk up, heart filled with love, you hear about his day and he sees you proud of what he’s trying to do for you and the family, he immediately is supercharged to keep it up, to bring his ‘A’ game, to love you like nobodies business. And especially on the days he’s blown it. Your mother has a phD in honor and respect. Man, she has a way of valuing me for who I am and seeing in me the man God intended me to be. And that brings out the best in me. You can do it too, you must, he needs it, God says so.
I was young when I met my husband. Only 16. We were engaged before I graduated high school and married after my first year of college. A year amd a half into our dating relationship I found the porn and was devastated. Took a week to decide if I wanted to continue the relationship. Because I had already unfortunately given in to sex and felt guilty to end it because I had done wrong, I stayed since I felt we had committed to each other in our hearts. I forgave him and he vowed not to continue in his addiction. Days before the wedding, I found porn on his computer and he blamed it on a friend that stayed over. Weeks after the wedding, I found more porn and also found out that he was hiding a worsening alcohol addiction. It was his busy season in work and he was coming home late and tired and never wanted me. I have been living with regret for a long time. Things continued to deteriorate. Jobs were lost, a DUI, a lost license, putting personal photos onto a profile and having other porn addicts making “fakes” of me. I did what I could to try to please him sexually but was never enough to help him overcome his addiction. Eventually he did get help through counseling for both but I know he is still a porn addict. He doesn’t bring his computer home for work now and I don’t go to his work to check it but I don’t have to. I was going to leave him as soon as he got the alcoholism under control because I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him without knowing he was going to be ok. Then I ended up pregnant with my daughter. Because my husband has stayed in control of his alcoholism, and because my daughter gives me joy, and because I will not rob my daughter of growing up with a good father, and because I made a commitment along time ago, i decided to have another child. I love my two children (under age 2) with everything I have. My husband works and I stay at home with the kids. He helps with the cooking and helps maintain the kitchen, and helps with the kids. He is a good dad, a good provider. He was abused as a small child by a sibling and suffered a lot of guilt and shame as a resuly of that. His mother was an alcoholic for a great deal of his childhood. His father died when he was an infant but also was an alcoholic. His mother was also sexually abused as a child. I did not know a lot of these things until his counseling. Hormonal birth control was not working well for me and I was in transition between birth controls when I necame pregnant. I do not trust my husband so far as porn goes. I also am too afraid to leave my kids alone with him. He has crossed too many lines I thoughy he could never cross for me to trust him with his own flesh and blood. I can sit here all night thinking about how I wish I had never met him. I have thought about how I would redo my entire life hundreds of times. I love my kids fiercely, but we are not having anymore because with two under two and I only trust my mom with them, I just can’t do any more than I an already doing. The hardest part is my mom cannot watch them often because she caters to whatever my dad needs and wants to do since he ie legally blind and cannot drive and she also takes care of my grandmother who lives with them now. I am exhausted and I try not to be bitter but my brain constantly imagines what my life would have been like if I had known how life was going to be. I don’t want to know how to trust my husband or anyone else. I don’t and I never will, for the safety of my children so I can break this cycle of abuse I somehow got myself involved in when I was blindly and foolishly in love at 16. I guess what I would really like is some inner peace. Not about him and porn but about me and how I have screwed everything in my life and how I would go back and do nothing the same if it weren’t for my babies and even with them I am not sure if I did the right thing bringing them into a world like this where all men are porn addicts and if you are happy there is something you don’t know about that would destroy and obliterate that happiness If you found the truth out. i would never abort of course but if I could go back to age 15 me and warn myself… I would never have sex with my husband again if I found out he was cheating on me but would likely stay for the sake of the kids. If someone was going to leave it would have to be him unless I found out he was hurting the kids, which I will never give him the opportunity to do since I won’t leave them alone with him, ever. I just would like some tips on how to find inner peace. Sometimes reimagining my life gives me a sense of it, but I know it isn’t real and it doesn’t last. I find myself thinking, “I want to go home.” I don’t even understand what I mean, because I am usually at home. I know that I am struggling with depression and the fatigue doesn’t help. Just not sure how to stay sane and battle my inner demons at this point in my life. Suggestions are welcome.
Hi im nikki..my husband admitted that he had an affair with this girls coz there is no other way left but to admitt it.and he got this girl preagnat..i got mad of coursey and i told my husband to bring the girl to me.we talked but i didnt hurt her,or even yell at her though she deserved that.. We came up that they will stop the affair..how will inknow if hes not seeing her at all..how will i bring back the trust i have given him before.how will i know if hes telling the truth for he hide their relationship for ten years..i didnt feel that he cheating on me because he made us feel loved secured and no time has ever waisted between hin and us as his family.please help me.
This woman will always be part of your life now since she is having his baby. I don’t know how after ten years he can just say it is over especially with her pregnant. All three of you need to sit down together and set some major boundaries and rules and have very open communication.
My husband plays video games to get away from interaction with me. BUT that is the least of our worries. I thought I trusted and respected my husband when we got married, but a few months into the marriage (and after countless comments he made with implications that I was not faithful), I found out that he and a college female friend of his had possession of all of my phone records, emails, text messages, social media private inbox messages, and survelence (sp?) videos for the past 20 years (I did not even KNOW my husband until two years ago). His “friend” is a government employee and she used her credentials to access my private information. At any rate, he withheld this from me for months, and it only came out when we had an argument about females calling him at inappropriate times. He told me basically that they had come up with a number o sex partners I had, and various events (all negative) based on these illegally attained communication records.
We have worked (well I have) to get past that, but he still has placed a judgement on me for what he perceives me to be based on what information his friend provided him from the illegal investigation she did on me. But that is still not the end. More and more about what information he has comes out with each big argument. After one of our arguments, I noticed him guarding his phone even more than usual. He would get up in wee hours of the morning seemingly to use the bathroom, but he would be sure to take his phone with him. One time he forgot and his phone beeped. I was able to see that it was a message from a woman contacting him on a dating service. He had told her good night after 11pm the previous night, and communicated with her around 430 the following morning to tell her good morning, When I confronted him, he said he did it on purpose so I would see. He said he only got on the dating site to find women from my hometown to ask them about me. Really?
So needless to say, I have zero trust in what he does with his phone that he still guards closely today, password protected and all. Even if we are siting on the couch together, he will turn his phone so I cannot see what he is doing, or if it goes off, he wont respond until I walk away.
NOW, to the respect and trust. HE shows me daily that he does not trust me. He constantly makes comments suggesting that I am getting texts from other men, that I want to meet up with other men, and that if I wear makeup or do my hair that I must be going on a date. ETC, etc. Anytime he cannot find something, he thinks I did something with it. I do not trust my husband as far as I can see him, and even then I dont trust him if he is on his phone, I am currently at my wit’s end and I do not know how to live in a marriage like this. I would love some suggestions on how to rebuild and restore our 1 year old marriage that was damaged before we were married a week.
Hi there,
It does sound like you have a lot of issues to deal with, and you shouldn’t blindly trust someone who hasn’t earned it.
Can I suggest finding someone to talk to about this? Maybe a mentor couple or a pastor or an older woman who can help you navigate through this? Or perhaps someone who can talk to the two of you together? It sounds like you have some really negative ways of interaction that really do need to be dealt with.
And I think saying something like, “When you keep your phone private it worries me, like you have a secret life I don’t know about. I can’t have an intimate life with someone that I don’t know is being faithful to me, and so I would ask that you let me see your phone” is perfectly legitimate.
I’m sorry you’re going through this!
So very sorry for all that you’re going through. One resource that helped me immensely (with my own CORE values) was a book that I’m pretty certain I heard about from Sheila: The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick. It’s available from Amazon, or your local bookstore would probably have it, too. It goes through the sort of relationship issues you mentioned in your message, and helps you navigate the behaviors that are tearing your marriage apart. That said, I agree with Sheila that you should find someone to mentor you through this. Praying for you….
My husband and I have been together almost 13 years. After he kicked me and my then 6 year old son out of the house foR the third time, I got my own apartment, and told him I wasn’t coming back until we got counseling. I was gone for 15 months and solely supported my son and i. During the seperation he had an affair with my then bestfriend, I would not find out about this till over a year later. My husband is a pathological liar. He is a cheat. He is an addict. He is mentally abusive. I am a Christian and struggled to remain in my marriage.
I went home and nothing really changed. I worked fulltime and cared for our home both inside and out, our child and every detail that comes with parenting. My “friend” admitted that she and my husband had an affair. For me, that was the final straw. I knew God would honor the divorce, so I filed and made him leave.
I was completely devastated. I was a total wreck. I was heartbroken.
During this time some devout Christian sisters began to pray fervently and my husband began showing up at church, helping with our son, apologized for the past, rede dictated his life to christ, got baptized…I mean it was a total healing (or so I was tricked into believing)
We enjoyed a fulfilling relationship. It was nothing like we had ever experienced.
I forgave him and trusted every word that came out of his mouth.
We decided to have another baby. It was something I longed for but would never consider because of the state of our marriage. I Baca me pregnant after he and I had a very long discussion. I even typed up my expectations for another child. Nothing crazy, just that I’d be able to stay at home and he would need to work, honesty, being actively involved…just good, normal stuff.
When I went out on maternity leave, he was all set to head into his “new job”
It never happened. Life is like it was before minus the severe mental abuse.
He lies about EVERYTHING. I can’t trust him. I can’t pay our bills. I work and he holds it against me. The result is ZERO sex drive. Why would I, how could I be intimate with someone I don’t trust…
He says I manipulate him by holding sex as a weapon. I tell him constantly that I can’t trust him and I can’t be physically attracted to someone who lies all the time.
I want to believe God can heal this, but I cannot trust him…he’s already used God before.
How do I honor his needs-respect him and separate these feelings?
Am I using sex as a weapon? I honestly become disgusted when I even think of it.
12 years of hard prayer, fasting, prayer request, counseling, marriage conferences…
I have good self esteem. I don’t stay out of fear, but for my kids…which I’m afraid is going to cause them to treat life as recklessly as he does.
LEAVE NOW. Do not go back. You and your kids do not need this excuse of man in your lives any more.
Hello,
I read the article and I understand what you are saying however my concern is how can I respect my husband if I don’t trust him because of his previous history? He watches porn, reaches out to old flames and has a wondering eye and yet he’s a self proclaimed Christian. He teaches bible class, prays etc. I know we all sin and fall short but his response for his actions is he wanted to do those disrespectful things to me when we have arguements. I guess that’s his way of getting back. To be honest I don’t know if I can ever respect him. I want revenge. I want to do the same thing to him as he done to me. The way I feel is not healthy but these are my true feelings. I feel like men are dirty nasty humans Christian or heathen. Any advice?
Hi Sheila, thank you for your insights and all your hard work! I have a quibble about the love vs respect you mentioned, in the same vein as Bobby Capps’ comment. You say Love is freely given, but respect is earned. But it doesn’t feel that way with my husband. I do not feel that I love him, anymore than I feel respect for him. I can treat him respectfully, as mentioned in your post, despite his alcoholism. And to a certain extent, I can treat him lovingly. Cooking, cleaning, helping him when he is sick. But I can’t give love freely, unless perhaps it is given from God? I think if my child grew up and made terrible choices it would be different with her somehow. I would still *love* her. If you have time, I am very interested in your thoughts on this. You are wise and I trust your opinion more because you are a Christian who clearly believes the Bible. Thanks!
That’s a great question, Joodee, so thanks for asking, because I think others probably have the same thing.
Here’s the issue: we all agree that when we love someone, we’re kind to them and think of them and try to nice things for them. But I think that we all ALSO understand what tough love is: if your sister is a drug addict and she keeps coming and asking for you for money, we would all agree (I hope) that the loving thing to do would be to say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t give it to you right now.”
In other words, we agree that love looks different depending on the circumstances. We still are working towards the other person’s best, but we’re not always doing it in the same way.
With respect, however, we don’t understand that there can be a similar dynamic at work–that it will look differently depending on the circumstances. God never asks us to enable sin, and God’s desire is always that people look more and more like Him. We get that with love; we don’t get that with respect. And that’s why I think it’s important to look again at what respect really means!
Loved this one. So confirmed my decision. I didn’t want to manipulate and by setting some boundaries I almost felt I was doing this. My husband is a sex / porn addict. Unfortunately not addicted to me. He’s lied and cheated. My therapist called him evil and told me to get out I shouldn’t allow that around my children and allow him to destroy me. I know God put us together. He has given his life to Christ but was battling this addiction alone and in shame yet failing. He had refused to get help and each time we went to counseling he quit when the therapist wanted to dig into his childhood. He’s running still from it but with baby steps facing a few things. Trust and respect has been crushed I got to a point I couldn’t do it any more he completely withdre from me. I began to pray and for the first time I had a peace about setting some strong boundaries. I gave him 3 months to begin working on our marriage and to get help. Granted therapy isn’t a realistic option right now because he’s working out of town. But there are so many resources of which we have a lot that he can begin to watch or read to learn about his problems how to be a better husband what makes a marriage work etc. when I explained because of his choices I have to make some he’d choices he didn’t like it but it changed our world. He’s doing what he can to learn all he can and I’m seeing baby step changes I too had to change I had to let go and realize that it may end due to his choices but I was going to be ok and God has a bigger plan. I let go of him and my marriage and God began to work. It’s not fixed and I deal with trust every day. I’ve chosen to forgive and to support him as long as he’s making these changes. I can say I have fallen in love with my husband all over again. I have let the resentment go and allowed God to soften my heart towards him. Yes this makes me vulnerable but if I want my hubs to be I must be and I must allow God to protect me and strengthen me. I can honestly say for the first time in 8 yrs I feel my husband loves me and he’s learning to show me every day even when he’s out of town for work. The power of prayer is mind blowing Set boundaries and pray God will lead your way!
That’s wonderful, Dana! Thanks so much for sharing your story–and I pray that God continues to change your husband’s heart and to move you both closer together.
Porn is adultery based on the traditional Christian perspective. The Bible does not ask women to be empowered to respect their husbands ,who are disrespectful and ruinous to the potential future of their children’s or wife’s faith, by setting up silly constructs to fool a wife into believing she’s not a doormat for a sin sick guy.
If you’re spouse keeps up addictive behaviors or a recurrent problem with porn that is recalcitrant to all reasonable measures, they get put in front of the congregation. If they refuse to repent they are booted from the congregation. Done.
Women get stuck with these outrageous pieces of absurd advice that lets the man take his pleasant time to change his ways. Meanwhile a wife is expected to have sex with a man who is replaying potentially violent porn in his head while he has sex with her. She keeps the secrets of his behavior to herself and a few choice confidants. Then we celebrate that years later this person, who should get on his knees everyday and thank his wife she put up with such disgusting perversion and ruining her life to hold onto him, decided to simply do what is right? Wow.
If you want to see the end result of such nonsense, you can ask one of my family members who killed her self due to a host of reasons including a marriage destroyed by a husband who had no time for her due to porn.
It would be better if most of these men who have committed adulterous sins and porn to let their wives go and move on with their lives. If you want a daughter to learn she is worth little more than dirt doormat, stay with a guy who does this.
My husband has finally admitted that he is having an affair. I asked him to stop the affair so we can work on our marriage but he says he can’t stop the affair. He says he loves her too much. In regards to boundaries, do I just sit idle or have him move out? I am willing to work on our marriage but it takes two. We have been together 24 years. His affair partner is married and he claims she is going to leave her husband so they can be together. What should I do?
Oh, Ann, that’s terrible! The first thing you need is a support system around you. I am SO sorry. That must be devastating.
As for what to do, sitting back and being a doormat is not okay. It’s likely to push him further into her arms. James Dobson wrote a great book for people in your situation called Love Must Be Tough, all about how to find your backbone and how to let your spouse start to deal with the consequences of their actions, because that dose of reality is the only thing that’s likely to save the marriage. It really is a good book, and I highly recommend reading it! And again, I’m so sorry.
Wow this is a sensitive subject for me. A year ago I caught my fiance watching porn. He had been doing it for awhile. We have also had an open relationship. When we first met he told me he had a pornography addiction and was trying to overcome it. He asked for my help. He came to me if he ever was tempted to make sure it never came back. Well, it did. And he was so worried about hurting me (or so he said) that he didn’t come to me when gave into the temptation. After awhile it got easier for him to keep it from me. He said it got to the point that he was numb from any guilt or any feeling that porn was wrong. Anyway.. I caught him two weeks before we were planned to get married. I called off the wedding. The betrayal was too much to handle. He has been clear of porn for a year now. I’m so proud of him. We did end up getting married in August. But my problem is that I’m still struggling with trusting and respecting him. In my mind it’s not if the pornography and lies comes back but when? I don’t feel like I can leave my house with him home alone. I do everything while he is at work so I can be right next to him when he gets home. If I am gone when he gets home I rush as fast as I can home while trying to prevent myself from having an anxiety attack over thoughts of what he’s possibly doing. I am currently unemployed and have applied for jobs but can’t get myself to respond to offers because I can’t risk getting home later then him. And what happens when he has a day off and i have to work? I cant leave him alone more then 15 minutes let alone 8-10 hours!! I hate it. I was working towards becoming a physicians assistant before the wedding last year was called off and have given up my dream to be home to keep an eye on him. Can’t even get myself to start school again. I just feel dead inside. I know there is a way to gain that trust and respect for him again but I’m running out of ideas.
Oh, wow, Brittney, that’s really tough!
I’m so sorry that he broke your heart. I really am.
Here are a few thoughts, though: YOU can’t be his accountability partner. You really can’t! And you’d likely feel a whole lot better if you knew that he had guys around him that were holding him accountable. So why not try this? Ask him to join a recovery group and get an accountability partner. Many churches have Celebrate Recovery groups; you can google one in your city or phone around until you find a good one. Then make sure he gets a guy who will go for coffee with him every now and then who will talk to him about the porn and ask him what he’s doing to conquer it. And then install some filters onto your computers and devices, like Covenant Eyes, so you don’t have to worry.
If he starts taking some action towards getting accountability, then you may not feel like you have to spy on him.
But the dynamic you’re setting up in your marriage is really toxic. To be frank, if you couldn’t trust him, you likely shouldn’t have married him. But you did marry him, and so you need to start trusting him. That’s easier if he’s taking steps to show you that he’s trustworthy, like getting that accountability. But you simply WILL NEVER have a close marriage or an intimate marriage if you are acting like his parole officer. And that’s a choice you’re making today, not something that he’s forcing you to do.
It could be that he isn’t trustworthy, but then the best route would be to talk to a marriage counsellor together and get him some accountability. But what you’re doing won’t work and won’t ever work. You need to let go of it. You can’t control him. If he chooses to watch porn, then let him know there will be consequences, because you won’t tolerate that. But to act like you can control him isn’t right and it’s bound to backfire!
I really wish you all the best. I know how emotionally hard this can be, and so I really do hope that you can get a counsellor to talk to!
I’ve been married for 19 years. I’m at a point where I don’t want to see 20 years in the current state. I am a Christian and my husband is not. My husband has indulged in pornography for our entire marriage and before. I am a sexual abuse survivor so for me this is a VERY touchy issue.
About five years into our marriage my husband has been diagnosed with Epilepsy and is unable to work. This adds to the strain on our relationship as I am the bread winner and don’t want to be but I thank God he has allowed our family to be taken care of. A few years ago I found out my husband has been using cocaine. Since then it has been identified when he has to go to the hospital. Every single time he assures me he’s done but he won’t get help. He pays the bills although sometimes they are short paid but he doesn’t manage his money well. This drug use bothers me because I grew up with a parent that abused drugs and as a kid I said my kids and I will never have to deal with this. Well, we are now dealing with it.
I’m having a VERY hard time respecting my husband due to his continued use. I feel like we have grown apart. He doesn’t do anything other than smoke marijuana and watch TV. I don’t know if our marriage can be salvaged but it hurts me to know that this relationship may be coming to an end. We have three boys together ages 19, 17, and 12. I just don’t know how much more of this I can deal with. I’m tired of the lies. I’m just plain tired. I don’t know what to do!!
hmmm, very interesting article, thanks. My husband has had a history of porn in the past and unfortunately I may have not handled things correctly – checking up on him and letting him know I dont trust him. However, he has a very arrogant, defensive, angry and unrepentant attitude, which makes it harder for me to trust him. I have backed off on checking up on him over the past year, which has brought more peace to our relationship, but unfortunately still do not have the greatest marriage. I do still check “occasionally” – is that wrong? – more as an accountability measure. Thanks again for the article – putting it in my “saved folder” – 🙂
Hi there! That’s so sad. It sounds like what’s going on is that he’s using porn, but you haven’t put any good boundaries in place to say, this won’t be tolerated. If he’s unrepentant, angry, and defensive, then he likely has no intention of changing. And in that case, you have some difficult decisions to make. If you go to a church, I’d really suggest finding a mentor couple or a pastor who can help you talk to your husband and say, “this stops now.” It really can’t be tolerated. I have a post on what to do if your husband uses porn, and I do hope that that helps!
You can show him respect as a fellow human being. “I respect you too much to think that this is the best you can do. You are short changing yourself as well as everyone who is close to you.”
You cannot respect someone as a spouse who is violating the very core of their marriage vows.
Husbands and wives are to respect each other. Using porn is inherently disrespectful to your spouse.
You shouldn’t trust someone who isn’t trustworthy. Trust is earned over time with complete transparency and trustworthy behavior.
Hi Sheila,
Reading these have hit so close to home, you are the first thing I’ve come across that doesn’t just tell you how it feels but how to deal with it using boundaries, I have questions ! Our background is marries 11 years , both have had physical and sexual abuse as children and porn has been an issue since day one, although it took me a while to catch on. He’s had an emotional affair as well, at first we had an amazing sex life , I have never turned him down, and always seemed to want it more then him, but as the years passed it would go from weeks to months without sex, then one day he opened his tablet in front of me and it was all porn, I railed , I lectured I cried I did everything wrong, he lied , he blamed me , he got angry , he promised not to, but it never changed . He doesn’t want to change, and our relationship is not close at all, we are basically room mates, every once in a while he wants sex , and I am to the moon thinking it’s all better then nothing and I feel dirty , used , ashamed and unwanted. I am sick of it all. So my question is , is it ok for me to take sex off the table as my boundary because it hurts me being used and discarded. I don’t sneak and look at his stuff , I just deep down in my gut know it’s happening, and when we argue he throws it in my face anyway, he protects his privacy and his accounts more then his own children. My thing is if he wants to work on us then he does it with me, if not then he continues doing what he’s doing until I’ve had enough and leave , but I can’t handle being used anymore. Is that a boundary? Please help… we tried counseling and he walked out when the counselor saw his red flags and called him on it, he won’t go back.
my husband and i have been married for 23 years 2 years ago he had an affair with a 33 year old married women.he went as far as to make fake divorce papers. i seen everything all her naked pics they spent time in romantic cabins an hotels while i thought he was working. they referred to each other as future husband and wife and he was the one to start it. he was also addicted to pills an alcohol at the time so he has the i dont remember card that he can play. he has promised an begged an i feel he has only givin me a half assed effort. i look at him the last coupke of days and i dont even know if i like him as a person anymore i think hes a pig. it wasnt just her their where strippers an hook up websites.all though she thought he was into her their was even a ppo to keep him away from her because he wouldnt stop after the affair busted wide i dont know what to do i look at him with disappointing broken dreams like hes a huge ” dirty granpa” what to i do?
I’m so sorry, but it sounds like you really need some counselling and a third party to help you through this, because that is very, very serious. He’s got substance addiction issues and internet issues and infidelity. That is a lot to work through. And simply saying I’m sorry isn’t enough. He needs to receive some healing so that he honestly has changed. I think he likely should be in a Celebrate Recovery group, too. But I think that’s what you need to do next: get both of you some help, with support groups and counsellors. And if he isn’t willing to do that–well, that’s a sign he’s not serious about changing.
Please help me. My husband told me last night that he had been watching porn and masterbating every day for a while now. He blames it on me. He says I cause him pain and deep feelings that he can’t do anything about except watch porn or go find a willing woman and have sex with her. We have not had steady ongoing sex due to so many physical problems that cause constant pain with me but he doesn’t care. He has to make me even if it causes me pain. I have tried everything he could think of and done all I could to gratify him only to end up in tears from pain in the end and days of suffering. I gave him permission to get a divorce and find another woman last night. He said he doesn’t want that. What can I do. I have had 3 failed back fusions, 2 failed neck fusions, bars, plates, cages, screws all along my crooked spine; fibromyalgia pain; neuralgia pain; Celiac disease pain with IBS; osteo- arthritis pain; Frontal Temporal Lobe Dementia with Lewy Body disease(6-7 years prognosis); malabsorbsion; hypokalemia; hypertension; and the list goes on… But my primary problem is I can barely stand upright; I’m huntched over and riddled with pain! He is healthy! I feel so betrayed, broken and depressed.
I really need help. My husband said he doesn’t want to stop talking to his school love. The stuff he has said to me implies he still has feelings for her but he tells me there is nothing between them and they are just good friends. I am hurt and can’t trust him anymore. I don’t know what to do. Please help
Hi Kisha,
I’m sorry, that must be really rough! Can you ask him to be part of that friendship? or to share a Facebook account so that he can still talk to her, but it’s all out in the open?
If he just won’t agree, then you have two approaches: you can work really hard on your own friendship with him and find things to do together to bring you closer and bring the tension level down so that you can then address it (and so that this woman may not matter as much anymore), or you can get an outside third party (like some relatives, some mutual friends, a counsellor, or a pastor) to come and sit down with the two of you so that you can talk this over about how it may not be appropriate. I don’t know which is right for you; it depends on your relationship. But pray about it and ask for clear guidance. And I am sorry!
I am very sorry, but a lying husband, as any lying individual, has not earned respect. Sure, a wife can say respectful-sounding words and perform respectful-appearing acts etc. but genuine respect is earned and can be lost.
This was so helpful! And encouraging! I am struggling with similar issues in my marriage as well, so this was very refreshing to know that I am not alone. And practical ways to trust and respect my husband again. Thank you!
I’m so glad!
Can ask for some advice? I’ve been married almost 25yrs(next month) and my husband kept secrets from me and lied to me for more than 22 of those years. We have been putting our marriage back together. We’ve done counseling, he’s done a men’s class, we did a couples class together. It’s just I still have trust issues. He has recently informed me, three days after the fact, that his ex contacted him to tell him her mom died. Now, I know they grew up together, he knew her mom and would want to know, that’s fine. But she wants to maintain contact and talk more frequently. The last time he saw her was the 10 year high school reunion they ended up attending together, because he asked me to work the weekend to be at his parents the week after because his father was having heart surgery. I was crushed he went with her and stayed out til 2am, but he swears nothing happened. Yet, he did say then, that if we didn’t work out, she’d be the first person he’d call. I was devastated because we had both agreed divorce was not an option, so why wouldn’t we last? Anyway, he hasn’t spoken to her since, that I know of, but now wants to stay in touch. I found her name not just in his work phone but his personal that’s only supposed to be for me, my kids, his mom, and my parents. I’m never allowed to give his number out, but she has his number and email. I shared my insecurity about it and he promised he’d let me read her emails to him and his replies to her as well as he’d only talk on the phone with her in my presence. It’s just on Valentine’s day I saw he’d gotten an email from her because it showed on his home screen. He had fallen asleep so I figured he tell me later, then she sent another yesterday, saw it on the home screen again and he still hasn’t said anything to me. He doesn’t know I saw them and it’s hurting me that he’s not being honest like he’d agreed to. I know he hates email, so unless he legitimately hasn’t paid attention, he’s holding back. I don’t like him talking to her at all, I think it’s unhealthy since she isn’t our friend and doesn’t contact me just him. They have history so now I’m getting worried about my marriage again. I pray for God’s help in this, but I’m not seeing results yet. Help!
Hi there,
I’m so sorry, and I do think that this is a very legitimate concern. If you are in counselling, can I suggest that you bring this up with your counsellor and ask for how to set appropriate boundaries? Maybe if the three of you talked about it together, with someone else present, that would be easier.
If you’re not in counselling, then I think you have to bring it out in the open. Keeping secrets never helps, and right now you’re keeping a secret too (you know he’s in contact with her).
Just say to him, “I can see no reason why you would be in contact with this woman, and it makes me feel hurt. I need to feel like I’m your only object of affection. Can we talk about how to make that happen?” That is legitimate, and it’s okay to address your needs!
I get what you are saying about not being underhanded or sneaky by nagging or secrectly monitoring my husbamd’s behavior, and I agree. But how do I know when my husband is lying? My husband believes it is not lying to leave out information. If I don’t ask the right question, in the right way, he feels justified in keeping things from me (such as where he is or who he is with, including other women). He calls it “Being truthful, not honest” and thinks it is okay. I know it is not. How can I trust him?