On Mondays I always like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it, and I have a quite a backlog of questions I’m getting ready to answer!
But today I thought it was important to share instead a Reader Observation and a plea for help from the vast majority of you who read this blog. I’ll get to that observation and that plea in a minute, but first, a little bit of background:
Last month I published a guest post from Kate Tunstall, where she explained how after her first baby came she and her husband started to grow apart. And she grew more and more resentful about him not wanting to care for the baby until she sat down and talked to him, and realized they both were partially at fault.
They both opened up to each other, learned some new things about each other (and themselves), and sorted things out.
And it was all was because she chose to talk about it rather than keep stewing. Had she kept stewing, she wouldn’t have realized that much of their problem was due to misunderstandings. It was only in talking and creating vulnerability and openness again that they came to a solution.
I thought it was a great story that illustrated a point I’ve been trying to make on this blog a lot lately. Sometimes you have to ask your husband for help. You can’t expect your husband to know what you’re thinking unless you tell him. And in most cases, we may look for a “magic bullet” that will fix the problem, but ultimately we have to do the hard and sometimes awkward work of talking about it.
It so happens that Kate doesn’t identify herself as an evangelical Christian (though I will not presume to say what faith she does or does not have beyond that). But her post was right on about marriage and I published it.
The comments on that post, though, quickly veered in a really dangerous and counterproductive direction.
The first few comments are great; then they get weird. One woman wrote that this woman was wrong for expecting her husband to care for the baby; she used a rather derogatory and critical tone toward the guest poster, which other commenters (and I) tried to correct. Then someone else joined the fray and said this:
This post defies Scripture, as well as 1850 years of church teaching. Jesus did not tell us that communication was the most important thing, rather repentance and obedience.
I then commented that just because the church and our culture have sanctioned something does not automatically make it right–look at slavery, after all! (I brought up slavery because I thought NO ONE could defend slavery).
The commenter then defended slavery. And then I deleted the theological arguments they left about why slavery was justified, and banned that commenter.
Seriously, can you imagine what defending slavery in public does to the name of Christ?
I think it’s perfectly valid to wrestle in a seminary with the question, “does the fact that God let the Israelites own slaves in the Old Testament mean that God permits all kinds of slavery? Was slavery just for a time?” But to debate this in public is beyond the pale (and by the way, I still don’t believe God ever really blessed the institution of slavery).
Kate actually wrote a follow-up post on her experience guest posting on a Christian blog, and here’s some of what she said:
It is the year 2015. I was of the impression that the developed world had come a long way, even if only in the last thirty or so years. Whereas it was once acceptable, expected even, that there were gender-specific roles, I thought this narrow-mindedness had all but ended. (Having said that, men and women have different strengths, and I completely advocate the right to state such a fact without the fear of being labelled sexist. It is simple good sense.)
Do you see how sad that is? She was under the impression that the world had come a long way–and we’ve now made her think that the evangelical community is narrow-minded (even though it was a minority of the commenters).
She then says:
I was dismayed to learn that having made huge efforts, at personal cost, to ensure my husband’s needs are met (frequenting the gym regularly and never having to get up to our daughter during the night, for example), there has still been a suggestion that I expect too much of him [by wanting him to interact with our daughter]. I cannot understand or agree with this view – to me it is either antiquated chauvinism in a non-religious context, or, as Sheila discusses, misinterpretation in religion.
Sometimes we leave comments on blogs because we like debate, but we forget that people who do not share our faith will be reading them.
Be careful what you say and how you word things. You are not just debating with the author of a post; you are debating with everyone who will read this post and the comments. People who are searching are on this blog. People who are struggling with God are on this blog. We have a responsibility to the weaker brother.
And I get about 10,000 visits a day from search engines–most of whom arrive here because they use a search term that relates to a crisis in their marriage. And most do not know God. Please assume that when you are commenting here, you are not just talking to Christians. You are talking to moms and wives and even some husbands who are hurting, and who are genuinely searching for help.
One other important thing:
Sometimes our interpretation of Scripture, quite frankly, means that many non-Christian marriages are healthier than many Christian marriages.
Kate’s marriage seems very healthy–or at least her conflict resolution model is. And studies consistently show that children who interact with both parents are emotionally healthier than children who only interact with the mother. A father’s hands-on role is best.
The fact that some commenters were arguing that a husband shouldn’t be expected to interact with the children shows that many non-Christian families are psychologically healthier, which is scary.
Unfortunately, it’s not all that surprising. If you subscribe to the interpretation of Scripture where a wife can never point out where her husband may be in error (even though being a suitable helpmeet obviously equipped us for this role), or that a wife should not express an opinion or call her husband out on sin (seriously, read the comments on this one), or that it is not a wife’s place to draw boundaries and say, “I will not tolerate you treating me in an abusive or demeaning way“, then I doubt that marriage is going to be very healthy.
And some teaching in the church I believe is downright dangerous, like that from Debi Pearl about how when a wife is abused it’s because we’ve provoked our husbands, or that the way to deal with any marriage problem (even severe sin) is to “win him without words”. This leaves far too many families in desperate straits, unable to deal with real abuse, or unable to confront sin and urge their spouses on towards godliness.
So here’s what I would ask:
1. Remember you are God’s ambassadors.
If you have an opinion which would make the majority of the public cringe and question whether or not God is really loving, then ask yourself, “Is it really important that I express it here?”, or, at least, “how can I phrase this so that I’m saying it lovingly?” Obviously we will all hold opinions that are counter-cultural; that’s what being a Christian is. But there is no need to be ungracious or to throw anything in someone else’s face. Instead, we are to relate to them in as many ways as we can so as to not make offense unnecessarily.
Like Paul said in 1 Corinthians 9:20-22:
To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21 To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. 22 To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some.
2. EVERYONE: Please, please, please publicly correct those who give God a bad name.
If you see a comment on this (or any other site) that you think gives God a bad name, then leave a comment to say that that person is wrong, or that most Christians, in your opinion, do not share that point of view.
I’m saying this one to the vast majority of you who are silent, or who may comment but don’t want to touch the inflammatory ones with a ten foot pole. Even a simple, “I think that is the wrong interpretation of Scripture, and want to point out that you hold a minority view” would be awesome!
Right now the off-base comments seem more important than they really are, because 95% of people never comment. Can you imagine how powerful it would be if every time someone said something really inflammatory, a bunch of people said, “I don’t think that’s an accurate view of Scripture”?
3. Think about giving Kate some Encouragement
Her post where she talks about her experience on this blog is right here. If some of you want to go over and give her some encouragement, that would be great!
I, in turn, will:
1. Delete comments whose only purpose seems to be to be inflammatory.
2. Delete comments that may be well-reasoned, but that are so offensive and wrong that I think God will be maligned. (like the pro-slavery ones).
3. Allow comments through that are well-reasoned, even if I think they are wrong, if they don’t cross a threshold. And then I will try to correct them as often as possible.
4. Delete comments where the commenter is insulting another commenter, or making assumptions about other commenters that really aren’t warranted or that are too judgmental.
And I really will try to get to my backlog of Reader Questions too!
I was thinking yesterday in our wonderful Easter service, where I saw my “adopted” niece get baptized, that God is about grace and changing lives and Jesus so wants to bring the world to Himself.
I want this blog to be a part of that. But sometimes I worry that we do the opposite, when I let certain things through.
I do want to allow discussion, but I am really far more concerned about the impression we’re giving those who don’t know Christ than I am about fostering free flowing debate.
I still will always let things through that are respectful, even if I don’t always agree (as long as they’re not totally beyond the pale), but I’d just ask that all of us participate in policing this community and making it a safe place for those who aren’t yet Christians to visit and to learn from.
May we never inadvertently turn off, or turn away, a seeker.
Thanks, everybody! And let me know what you think of my comment policy.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I think men has really strayed from the roll that God has for them in the family and that is to be the leader of the family. Men needs to step up and take charge and love their wives and children and be the spiritual leader in the family. And wives, do not be afraid to correct your husband when he is wrong but please don’t harp at him :). He will get around to fix the sink, no need to remind him every six months 🙂 lol. Joke aside. Communication is important. A husband and wife should not keep secrets from each other. If there is a problem talk about it and pray about it. If good things then talk about it and praise God for it.
Sheila, I think you are spot on with both your concerns and your comment policy. I have similar concerns about how we as Christians represent the Lord online, and shared something about it here, using Colossians 4 to guide me: http://kristibothur.weebly.com/1/post/2013/05/what-would-jesus-tweet.html. Thank you for your wise words!
I like the comment policy.
The way some people talk about submission scares me and makes me want to have nothing to do with their form of faith – and I have been Christian for more than 20 years now.
Submitting to a person is not necessarily a bad thing. I know in this day we all want to be equal and I agree. Eve was made for Adam to be his equal, not to lead him or follow him but to be his equal. God calls men to submit to his will and the bible tells women to submit to their husband as unto the Lord. But if the husband ask the wife to do something that Jesus would not sanction you need to refuse it.
I found this website regarding submission in marriage. Not all submissions are bad.
http://bibleresources.org/submission-in-marriage/
Completely agree! Thanks for posting, Matt!
Another great resource for wives is http://lorialexander.blogspot.com
I have read Lori a lot over the years and while she has some good points and has the general idea about wives having a right heart attitude. I caution a person against reading her blog unless you are very spiritually mature and have a strong understanding of scripture. I think she has difficulties with her interpretation and understanding and I feel she her understanding of submission is concerning.
Lori’s blog “Always Learning” is EXTREMELY dangerous for women who struggle with codependency issues (or who want very much to obtain their husbands’ love and are willing to do literally whatever it takes to obtain it) and tend to get walked on. Only the very mature women who can think independently without being overly influenced should read it — therefore I would say STAY AWAY from her blog. I took a lot of her advice and it was not pretty. Fortunately I got away from it, got a good friend and mentor, and started going to Codependents Anonymous. My marriage improved after CoDA, not after reading “Always Learning”.
Unfortunately, Lori’s blog is of the ilk that Sheila is discussing in this post: Telling wives they can’t rebuke their sinning husbands, ignoring abuse, etc.
Thank you for the link Matt. I realized that the submission I grew up with, which kept my momma and her children stuck in an abusive situation, was not submission. I found it to be willing to rest in the shelter of my husband’s protection. I’m still a work in progress but I’m getting there!
Sheila, I think you are spot on. I’ve tried this approach (listening far more than preaching at, particularly when I am not close with someone and don’t know their background) and found it to open a lot more doors for true compassion and modeling of biblical behavior.
Plus, I’ve found your posts on how to stop enabling sin in marriage to be truly eye-opening and convicting (and, by the way, a message that is rarely heard from anyone else). Thank you!
Amen. Most of my friends are non believers and I regularly have to defend what they hear from the vast minority. We get stuck on certain scriptures and decide that that’s our mountain to defend not realizing who we are attacking are those we are called to serve. I recently came across 1 Peter 2:17: Treat everyone with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government. (Msg ) How many Christians are living this way. We were called for so much more.
Why, then, did you run a post written by a non-Christian on a Christian marriage blog?
Secondly, why did you not disclose that this author was not a Christian? That most certainly should have been disclosed.
Sofie, most people who read this blog are not Christian. I am, and most of my regular readers are, but most people here are not. I didn’t know whether or not the author professed to be a Christian when she wrote the article; I actually assumed she was because most guest posters are. But regardless, it didn’t matter because everything she said was in line with healthy relationships and truth, and people can discern truth even if they don’t know Christ.
I would rather invite people who aren’t Christian into this conversation, as long as what they say is in line with the gospel if they are guest posting, then tell people that they are not welcome in our club, personally. And that’s the thing about comments, too: I would rather that we be able to have a healthy conversation, knowing that many who are not yet Christian are also listening, then to say, “we’d rather all the non-Christians go away”.
Amen, Sheila! I love the welcome you give to all. If you have to delete posts that you feel are attacking others, I think that is entirely appropriate. Keep being your awesome self.
Amen! It was never intended to be a secret club! God never said I will only care about “certain ” people . Keep up your good work Sheila!
I think your comment policy is great! Christians today tend to not always show Christ in all they do and say. Being a Christian is becoming more difficult in today’s society.
I started visiting your blog for help in my own marriage. We still struggle daily. Every body needs help in one way or another. Thank you for being who you are and encouraging others!
Right on, Sheila. Right on. *fist bump*
As well intentioned as you are for this because you want folks to know Christ you are wrong and I will tell you why you are wrong and offer both scriptural and real world evidence to prove you are wrong. You also make some very wrong assumptions about those who wrote those comments and their children.
First, scripture teaches that most do not want to know God, that the road is narrow and the teaching is hard. Christ taught that all will face eternal judgement and that most will face hell because they love themselves and their deeds of darkness more than Him.
You speak of 30 years in the developed world and the progress we’ve made. Except that you fail to mention that in those 30 years as the church has done the things you are asking for and gone away from the hard teaching the commentors were speaking to the church has died in the developed world. Both in numbers and influence. The churches that remain are in severely bad health in most cases as are many who sit in it’s pews. And yet, before those 30 years the churches were full and vibrant. In the undeveloped world where the church still believes as the commentors you referenced- the churches are thriving.
It is not our job to make God into our image or to change His words. A God that we change is no god at all. If you take away the things that offensive about Him to you then we either have to say that God is not perfect or that we are not perfect. I choose to believe that I am not perfect and align myself with God, even the things I find hard, rather than turn Him into something He is not.
The more the developed world gives out worldly advice and not biblical advice and the more we change God to suite our developed world tastes (and what He asks of us) the more people turn away from God and not to God as the last 30 years you mentioned has proven. We’ve had more marriage books that align with your view point in the last 30 years (more blogs, conferences, you name the media) than in the past 2000 years combined and yet marriages are in way worse shape as is the church this is to represent His Truth on earth.
Do we believe in a God that sent His own chosen people into slavery? That calls us to be slaves to Christ and one another (and Jesus used this word slave to a people that knew what a slave was)? Does that mean we are okay with all slavery- no way. Do we believe in a God and His Word that teaches wives are submit unto their husbands even unto calling them lord? If we do not, and yet it is in the Bible, maybe it is us that needs to change and not God’s teaching.
Lastly, you make many assumptions about the people writing in to you. I know the couple you are referring to. They have a joy filled marriage even as they live out the things you call bad. They hold hands, smile and are warm with each other. They have the “happiest” marriage of anyone I know (and I know hundreds). Their children, who you claim must be suffering, are thriving. They are not only happy but they are well behaved and live out God’s joy. You malign people because you do not agree with them theologically. You state things that say the majority of christians don’t agree while never conceding that of all the christians that have ever lived you are by far in the minority stance. If we are drawing lines in the sand and telling the world where we stand, I will stand with those commentors and the christians that have gone before me. I will choose beliefs that brought fruit to the life of the church and it’s body.
Man’s ways are not God’s ways and as we learned throughout the Bible, God’s ways are often tough for us to accept. And yet they are life. May we not try and change God to make Him acceptable to sinful people like me, but change ourselves to align with God with much praise and thanksgiving for the blood of Jesus Christ which covers our sins.
‘Your fellow christian in Christ.
Hi there, I’m just a little confused about your comment, “I know the coule you are referring to.” I’m not referring to anyone in particular at all, and I’m sorry if I gave that impression. I just think that in general, if you believe that wives should never speak their minds or confront their husbands on sin, you will see worse marriages than even non-Christian ones with healthy communication patterns (and there’s plenty of research showing that having disagreements and working through them is actually good for a marriage). That’s all. I have no idea whom you think I’m referring to specifically!
Respectfully, 30 years ago the church in the developed world was already in crisis & while there are certainly thriving churches in pockets across the globe, neither their view of marriage nor their socio-economic situation are deciding factors. I, along with most of Sheila’s readers, am thrilled to hear of healthy & happy marriages – I don’t think there was any intent to undermine these. The concern is when marriages are breaking apart and suffering and a misunderstanding of Scripture is keeping spouses in destructive patterns. Jesus said he came for freedom, & when we use his words to keep people in bondage, questions need to be raised. Not to undermine the Bible, but to make sure we are “correctly dividing the word of truth.”
Hello Sheila,you are exactly correct, thank you for this post 🙂
Good for you for standing up for the way we portray Christ. Everyday we are letting the world know what we truly believe about God through our actions and words. It is sooo important that we live a life grounded in Him and letting His love be our witness. Your policy standards certainly seem reasonable.
Your comment policy is great! You’re allowing for difference of opinion without allowing for condemnation. Hang in there and stay positive!
I did comment on Kate’s post and told her, too, that I normally just read. I’m guessing the majority of your readers are the same – we read for encouragement and to glean tips on how to make our marriages better but we have no need to comment. And actually I very rarely read any of the other comments, either.
Speaking for myself, I am in an amazing marriage that with God’s help I just want to make better – which usually means getting out of His way. Your blog often helps me see where I’m in the way. I usually only respond to your posts in my head – I have no desire to join in a conversation with the on-line community about my faith or the way my marriage works. I appreciate greatly that you are able to write so eloquently and share so openly. I have learned a LOT from you – whether I agree or not with something you’ve written, you cause me to think and consider and pray. So please keep at it – and THANK YOU.
How dare you ask people to be mature. I mean really, Sheila..
All right, so in all seriousness, I read about half of the comments on the post you suggested and I’m honestly blown away at the number of people who have the time and energy to commit to putting words in your mouth (or, well, on your fingertips) in an effort to somehow promote a view of Scripture that isn’t complete or even on a path to being sound or correct. The point of this comment is to say thank you. From one highly opinionated chick who wants to promote truth to another, thank you for putting up with what you do on your blog. That takes some serious commitment and patience to do day in and day out, especially on days such as that one. I may not fully agree with everything you say, but I don’t think it’s because you’re wrong. Often I wonder if it’s a Romans 14 issue and I’m the weaker one who just needs to think differently. Regardless, as a single 25 year-old who’s trying to put some serious thought into how I’ll approach marriage in the future, I don’t think I could ask for a better resource than your blog. Thanks for all you do (and tolerate).
Sheila, thank you for being a positive voice for God through your blog. Here is a link to an excellent podcast about masculinity/femininity and the way God designed us. It’s called Re-establishment of Identity Masculine and Feminine by Bob Hamp. Growing up in a very conservative denomination where women weren’t allowed to speak up or lead prayers, or teach boys older than 13, and always to submit, this podcast touched deep within my spirit, and God revealed to me that I do have a place and a purpose in His story. Just thought it might help others who have lived in the religious lie “women must always submit” as I have grown up in. Truth brings freedom, not chains.
That post’s comments did get really weird. I think those other people you had trouble with previously came out of the woodwork again.
Good policy.
Aaand after seeing the update I can see that my initial suspicions were correct.
I almost did leave a comment on Katie’s blog explaining that the backlash she faced was due to a longstanding beef some people seem to have with you (Shelia). But I didn’t. Because you don’t ever talk about in-house dirty laundry with non-believers. That is counter productive. More people should take C.S. Lewis’s stance and focus on what unites us and not what divides us.
Apparently these people forgot to read 1 Corinthians. You know, about having one mind. And not letting stupid stuff tear up the body. And also James and 1 Peter, that tells you how to conduct yourself in the world, and how to control your tongue, love the brothers fervently and let yourself be known by your good conduct… *sigh*. Sadly it would seem that a more strict comment policy is necessary.
Sorry for all trouble. Your blog really is a blessing, and I’m glad you are willing to put up with all of this drama to continue your ministry.
Sheila, my wife and I really appreciate your books and blog posts — in general they’ve been a big encouragement. I’ve encouraged my wife to ask me for help and it’s made a difference in how well we work together raising our kids. You’re making me nervous here though. I agree that we should be zealous to not give God a bad name through our conduct. But a whole lot of opposition to the church today is from people who believe they’re holier than Jesus.
When Paul talks about the name of God being blasphemed among the nations in Romans 2, it’s because of the hypocrisy of people who teach God’s law but then don’t follow it. This is very different from offending non-Christian sensibilities by speaking the truth and acting on it. What’s more hypocritical? To say we believe God’s Word is true and then try to paper over the parts that make people uncomfortable, or to refuse to condemn what God hasn’t condemned?
I think you would better served by having a comment policy that encourages people to discuss these issues in a civilized and constructive manner than by shying away from difficult topics because of what non-Christians might think.
Ashv–I understand your point–but we’re not talking about “speaking the truth”. We’re talking about spreading things that I don’t believe are true and that therefore do give Christ a bad name.
As an example, for years many Christians claimed inter-racial marriage was a sin (and a minority still hold that view). If I were to allow those comments through, that would not be “speaking the truth”. That would be maligning Christ by attributing to Him things that are simply wrong, and that are also offensive.
And that’s why I delete those types of comments!
I agree! Submission is a reaction to love and respect. Christ loves the church and gave himself for it, in turn we are to give ourselves to Him. Not, a doormat, a punching bag or someone to be used. Marriage was the first institution God created, so we should treat it with respect.
Men should be a part of their children’s lives. Mom’s get burnt out sometimes. My husband once I explained to him what I need, the communication that I need…he has preformed. Is he perfect? Nope. But, effort is important.
I think we should encourage our husbands in family relationships. It is biblical, evey patriarch in the Bible were family guys! Why did these women comment without thinking on those things?
Sheila,
I was not under the impression that you thought my comments were “weird.” I am certain that had I used that term to address Kate’s point of view, I would have been blocked. Anyway, that post was not even about submission, nor were my comments, so I am curious as to why you chose that wording for your title of this post. It seems rather disrespectful, borderline wrong to mock “win him without a word,” as if that is not a biblical command and is instead something that only crazy Debi Pearl followers would utter. St. Peter himself wrote that verse, not Debi Pearl. I would think that quoting an actual Bible verse in condemnation in order to make your point would do much more to hinder non believers than someone respectfully stating a more “narrow” opinion. I did not use any “derogatory” wordings and I do not believe my tone was anything but direct, it just happened to be an opposing view and so it comes across as mean, I suppose. I cross my fingers to get this comment gets approved but I understand if it does not. Take care, Crystal
I’m going to guess Sheila’s intent having just read through your comments and the ones in response to yours. I think at first she felt yours were harsh, but as you explained yourself and clarified you did a good job explaining and disagreeing politely. I’m pretty sure she was referring to the guy who commented on your thread who ended up being banned who was continually over the top and inflammatory.
Yes, exactly. Also, there were about a dozen comments that never saw the light of day because I deleted them right off the bat right on that thread. It really did get weird! So sorry for any misunderstanding!
Thanks, Sheila! I love your posts and how they point me towards Christ and the Bible and encourage me to be a better wife. I honestly avoid reading comments pretty much at all, for the very reason that you just posted about… I don’t need to get some of the twisted ideas put forth by some of the commenters in my head to start mulling over. I prefer to just mull over your posts. I really appreciate your ministry. I appreciate the constant stand that you take for what’s right. Keep going forth and doing what’s right!!!
Amen, Sheila! On the subject of the comment policy, I waver back and forth between what you say (delete viewpoints that get pretty far out) and allowing all well-reasoned viewpoints. There’s something to be said for free discussion, but on the other hand I think your comment policy is sound. The line between censoring everything that looks bad, so to speak, and trimming some discussions that 1) get off topic and 2) represent the farthest fringes of opinion is a fine one, but I think you’re doing a good job. And the ultimate truth is that this is *your* blog, and you should do whatever you feel is right with it. I think your readers support and respect you and will likewise support and respect your decisions.
Sheila, this is an other great post. I love your blog and usually agree.
If I may just say one little thing, I don’t think encouraging people to comment publicly is always the best idea. I used to. And then a few weeks ago I made a comment on my personal FB page and am still hurting from the reaction I got. I saw a post that said that girls basically need to be raised to be housewifes and mothers, boys on the other hand at an early age must be told to man-up. I spoke out about it. Some Christians friends agreed with me, I got into a really interesting conversation with an atheist friend (which I found out was being read by other non-believers) and then an older Christian women felt the need to step in and blast my opinion. Its been weeks and I’m still hurt. I’ve left my mommy group, because that women is a dominant force there, and I’ve decided to keep my opinion to myself a whole lot more.
So, while I totally agree with your thinking, I think its awesome that you use your blog more as a ministry to reach non-believers, but I’m learning not to “throw my pearls before swine”. I just never thought that would apply to a discussion with fellow “Christians”.
Alex, I’m so sorry that this happened to you! I’m sure that did really hurt.
Can I offer another perspective, though? You went out of your way to portray Christ well in a public forum–and you did it well, engaging some atheists and giving them a more balanced view of Christ. Way to go! That’s awesome. Maybe those people really needed to hear that.
And as we all know, when you do step out and start being effective for Christ, the enemy gets upset and often attacks. He doesn’t attack those who are misportraying Christ; He attacks those who are representing Christ.
So I understand that you were hurt, but you know what? You were sharing in Christ’s suffering, and God saw that, and God noticed, and you will surely not lose your reward. Truly.
That being said, I think the lesson to learn is that there is often a cost when we step out and do the right thing. And for some of us, that cost may not be worth it. I just want to tell you, though, that you never know–what you said may really have made a difference. It took bravery and it took patience and kindness, and you did it. That’s awesome. It’s unfortunate that others want to derail you–but unfortunately not all that surprising. Take care, and I hope you find a great mommy group now!
I’m sorry to hear that you were hurt Alex, and while I agree whole heartedly about throwing pearls before swine, I just want to encourage you not to keep silent. I have commented on a great many different posts that are advocating incorrect theology, or damaging viewpoints, not to change the minds of the individuals commenting, but to encourage the ones who might be reading and don’t feel that they have a voice. There is also, of course, those who are reading and either have not yet formed an opinion, or are getting their first view of Christianity, both of whom could be deeply damaged by the erroneous, one sided comments. While I always to my best to speak truth, in love, I am often personally attacked for taking a stand. I know that sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it hurts me too, but if I’m not strong enough to speak up, who might be influenced by these people? We will probably never know. But if even one person as saved from being turned off of the gospel because of it, I think it’s worth it.
Great article. Thank you for posting. Very necessary advice and rules.
I read that post and thought, good job, sometimes we do need to let go of our pride and ask for help. I tell young women this all the time, I know I have a hard time asking for help. And our husbands are those who should be most ready to help, but, just like us, they are fallen and need a bit of help, too. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her. Jesus never lacks, for sure, and his help is right on time, and didn’t Jesus himself tell us that sometimes we don’t have because we don’t ask. John said the same thing (1 john) (sorry I don’t have more specific references, typing while Little Man eats that bedtime snack.
As for commenting publicly… well… not all of us are truly equipped for such public debate, and comment sections are really hard to negotiate. And sometimes someone is just trying to be a di– about it. I ignore temper-tantrums. And if someone just has bad theology or theology we disagree with, yes, a comment might be in order. in fact, if the commenters can keep comments short, simple and to the point, go for a long discussion. But that is hard to do. Already, I’ve covered two topics, which is too many for much discussion, I think.
Your policy of deleting and blocking is pretty good, Sheila, you are dealing with controversial topics.
For those who comment, the world of blogging is completely anonymous.
For those who write blog posts, the world of blogging is extremely personal.
I think people forget they are talking to other humans- brothers and sisters.
And I cannot imagine being so audacious to assert that I knew so much about a couple’s marriage by a 1000 word blog post that I would comment and criticize.
To be honest, sometimes I do read things- especially guest posts- that may seem off or incorrect to me. But I remember that there is ALWAYS more to the story.
This! Whenever I comment on something on the internet, I try to stick by a personal principle: if I wouldn’t say it to my mom, I probably shouldn’t say it to a stranger.
Abby,
So much sense. Thanks for your support!
Kate
I think you hit right on the mark, as usual Sheila! It’s sad when we need to remind grown ups how to speak kindly and politely to others.
When I read your post, I understand why some women, christian authors, choose not to have comments available on their website. It is sad, but I understand why. Thanks for your honesty, your faithfulness to the word of God and your desire to encourage christian women around the world (I am french, from Paris !), This is precious to all of us.
Bless you, Sheila. I’m sure some days this all seems like more work than it’s worth, but keep heart! I love to come be encouraged and challenged on your blog. Keep up the good work!
Sheila, I have enjoyed your blog for a long time. Thank you so much for being a voice of Biblical common sense! It seems to me that after swinging from a male-dominated view of the church and marriage to a sometimes radical feminist-dominated view, that some of the church is swinging back to a drastically male-dominated view. I see a very discouraging number of Christian bloggers and commenters (both male and female) who seem to believe that men’s needs in marriage are more important than women’s needs. Kindness and gentleness are fruits of the Spirit, but I rarely hear these emphasized by many in the church. I grew up with church teachings of women’s inferiority (physically, emotionally, and even morally) to men, and it took God many years to set me free of that mind-set. That is one reason that Christian voices of reason (like yours) are so encouraging to me. I almost never comment online, but what you said makes sense – perhaps people like me should comment more to offset some of the harsh things that are said by others.
Thank you, Cindy! So glad that I can be a “voice of reason”!
And I think you’re right about the pendulum. The feminist movement (the 1960s one; not the 1880s one, which was great and rooted in Christ) really did veer society off course, and I can understand the urge to correct that. But we have swung too far in the other direction, and we need to remember that what matters to Christ is people looking like Him, not people living to some legalistic standard. I think the new “male dominated” Christianity can be very legalitic (since it’s accompanied by demands for purity, modesty, etc. that can cause some major shame) and it is sad.
Sheila, first, I would like to thank you for all you do, all you write, and the way you write it. I wish I could say something to your detractor, but I know they will not listen to me. Instead, how about I say it to you?
I found this website at a very difficult time in my marriage: my hubby and I were nearly broken apart by a “friend” with all the worst intentions, we were mired deep in a cycle of hurt and anger, and we were both going in different directions with our family because we lacked communication. The first article I read here (yes, it impacted me that much) was about communicating with your husband, doing it in a manner that he not only understood but imparted respect, and allowed me to speak my grievances while trying to guide the conversation in a direction that would be less hurtful and more productive. It was in this conversation that I found out my hubby had wanted me to stay at home (no longer an option), and wanted me to be a traditional wife. I began researching how to be a traditional wife because I did not grow up with that parental model. I found two things: 1. feminist websites yelping that women like you and I are brainwashed, low IQ, complacent fools, and 2. websites where the Christian religion was the heart of how a woman learned to be a good wife.
So, I came to this website with faith, but not the same way of showing faith as most of those here. I find your advice helpful and useful. Just because I may not yet be as ardent a Christian as most women here, but I do benefit from the highly insightful, highly intelligent advice posted here. Sheila, you and many of the women here, while having chosen a different path than I, have dispelled the incorrect belief that traditional wives are boring homemakers who grovel to their husbands or bend to their husband’s every whim (this is not meant to be mean to housewives at all!). Thank you, Sheila!
Oh, thank you so much, Mountain Wife! I’m so glad that I’ve been able to be a blessing to you, too, and I’m so glad that you feel comfortable here. That really matters to me!
A friend of mine and I were talking, and she mentioned Proverbs 31 (specifically the Epilogue) as part of the template for being a wife. Since, I am not fully on the up and up, what do you think of this Proverb?
Honestly, I don’t think it’s meant to be a big to-do list for women, which is what it’s often made into. Also, that women had servants! But the principles are good–be productive, be responsible, care for your family, have a livelihood, laugh without fear of the future…
God created women so men would not be alone and to help out (Genesis 2:18). I believe that marriage is a partnership. Ephesians chapter 5 verse 25 states that the husband is to love the wife as Christ loved the church. I do not believe that the wife in a servitude role equates that kind of love. Also, submission does not mean being a “doormat wife”.
Are you upset that Jesus is being defamed, or are you upset that your teaching is being challenged?
That Jesus is being defamed! Of course! When people start defending slavery in public, do we not see what that does to non-Christians reading this? Or when a Christian gets a non-Christian involved in a debate, do we not see what that does to Jesus’ reputation? To tell you the truth, I am honestly amazed that people do not get this–do not understand the responsibility we have. I’ve had great conversations with Kate from the other blog this week, and I think most of it is defused, and she knows it’s only a minority, but what an impression to be setting. Oh, my goodness. It’s just embarrassing as a Christian–in the same way that we feel about those Westboro Baptist “Christians” who picket military funerals with hateful signs in Christian language. That is NOT showing Christ, and the rest of us need to stand up and say, “not in HIS name.”
I have no problem if people challenge me. Lots do, and that’s fine. But when you start giving a not-yet-Christian another excuse to avoid exploring what Christianity means–that’s horrible. And God sees it. And God is not happy when we turn people away from Him. We had better be very careful.
Another thing–I honestly think so many people are so into their “Christian” bubbles that they have no idea how the rest of the world thinks anymore. So they truly have no idea how they come across. Maybe all of us need to get out more and start talking to regular moms at the gym, at the park, at a playgroup, and see how other people think and talk. Maybe that would give us more insight where we are being offensive to not-yet-Christians, without perhaps even realizing it.
Let me go one step further–and then I’m going to be quiet and not give this thing any more oxygen. But the reason that I’ve gotten so upset is that someone who read my post about how we shouldn’t give Christ a bad name and how we did wrong to this blogger COMPLETELY disregarded it and decided it was worth scoring points against me even if that meant giving this person a bad view of Christ.
How dare they. Seriously, how dare they. How dare they think that winning an argument with me is more important than portraying Christ in a good light to someone who doesn’t know Him. I am seriously angry today because someone used this vehicle that I have created–this blog–to give Christ a bad name. I have asked God for forgiveness and for grace over the other blogger and other people who have read this, and I do believe that God has answered that prayer with Kate. But how dare they. Oh, and it’s a man, too.
Just left another update that I thought I’d also put in the comments for those of you who are subscribed to the comments:
Just thought of something even more ironic–and kinda funny!
Okay, so that commenter who is obviously more concerned with winning an argument with me than with portraying Christ in a positive light has a beef with me: I have been teaching on this blog about how women can confront their husbands when their husbands are in sin, instead of teaching women to serve their husbands.
I don’t actually believe that my posts are skewed if you count them up at all, but it is true that I’ve been hammering the point about Emotionally Destructive marriages recently–and about calling your husbands out on sin. There are two main reasons for this: one is because I can see the Google searches that lead people to this page, and so, so many of them have to do with wives whose husbands use porn.
But the second is because people like this commenter keep commenting–and they scare me! Are there really that many people out there who believe that women should not confront their husbands in sin? If that’s true, then I have a lot more teaching to do! Ironically, if these commenters would stop leaving such incendiary comments about a woman’s role, I could move on to other things. But the fact that they keep popping up here shows me that there is still much teaching to do in the church about appropriate relationships. And that’s why I chose Leslie Vernick’s book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage to look at in our reading challenge last month–because what these people are advocating are essentially the blueprints for an emotionally destructive marriage. And the more I hear from them, the more I have to talk about it!
Just a note of support from a usually silent reader….
You are spot on in your interpretation of women’s roles in true Biblical marriage Sheila, so thank you for speaking out and not being afraid to do so! Sadly, I believe you are right – there is much teaching to do in the church on this subject. I believe the Victorian era has a lot to answer for in this area! Those who would disagree with you in this and persist in argument even with unbelievers are motivated only by selfishness and the desire for power. Either they are an abusive, controlling husband seeking to justify – even SANCTIFY their behaviour (my father was one of these), or they are an abused wife seeking to justify shirking her responsibility to stand up to her husband and hold him accountable.
We will not stand before God one day as a married couple. Only as individuals responsible for our own behaviour. We will not go into eternity as married couples, only as individuals saved by grace. We are responsible to live before God, and sometimes that means confronting some uncomfortable truths and challenging even Christian culture. God’s Word is there for us to read ourselves. Never interpret it through the lens of Church history or dogma!
Absolutely, Mary! Thank you. What matters is that we each look like Christ–not who makes the decisions.
I am a young wife that, not too long ago, was looking for some Godly information about discussing some issues I was having with my husband. It was nothing serious, but we do at times have some communication issues, like I’m sure a lot of other people do. While doing my search you would not believe some of the stuff I came across! Your site was one of a VERY few that didn’t tell me simply to put up and shut up or suggest that it was probably all my fault because I am the wife and men can do no wrong.
After reading through some of the articles on your blog, it turned out, some of the problem was, in fact, my fault (imagine that!) but some of it was his fault as well. Your blog gave me the help and encouragement I needed speak to my husband about these issues and now we’re doing great! He even thanked me for taking a stand for God’s Word in our marriage and for correcting him and getting him back on track.
The Word does say that wives are to submit themselves to their own husbands (and that is something that I do take very seriously in my marriage), however, on most sites I see, and even in most conversations I have with people about Christian marriage, people fail to remember the verse right after that – husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church! Holy mackerel that’s a high calling! I love that your site holds men accountable in marriage just as much as it does women. Among other things, I think that marriage is supposed to help both the husband and the wife be their very best for God and as wives we are not helping our husbands walk with God or fulfill their calling to love us as Christ loved the Church by keeping our mouths shut when they’re off the Word.
I’ve never commented on your blog before, but I do read it quite a bit and I love it! I can always depend on the information you provide to be accurate and Christ-Centered. I wanted you to know that I believe you do a huge service to the Body of Christ by encouraging women the way you do, don’t let anyone to tell you any differently!
Kate, thank you so much for that lovely encouragement–and I completely agree that there is not enough balance in a lot of what we’re taught.
The main thing to ask ourselves is this: how would God want me to love my husband? And I believe that God want us to inspire our husbands in godly life–that’s what being a helpmeet is! It certainly is not enabling sin. And when people start talking as if it is, I often think: would they believe that if Jesus were standing right here he would approve of what was happening? It’s all just so BIZARRE to me.
So glad you’re here, and thank you for your first comment! And yes–usually when we find something that our husbands need to improve, we find ways that WE should improve as well. 🙂
“If Jesus were standing right here he would approve of what was happening?”
I think sometimes people get so caught up in focusing on Jesus being “meek” and “lowly” and then they use “be like Jesus” to encourage doormat-ish behavior. They completely overlook all the verses were Jesus called people out on sin, right then, right in front of crowds if it was called for! He took a WHIP to the temple sellers and knocked over all their tables. He definitely WAS loving in his correction of sin (such as with the woman caught in adultery), but never did he back down from calling people out in some way when confronted with sin. If his life was the example we all are to follow, it amazes me that people still believe we should largely ignore sin (in the lives of other Christians we have relationships with, such as spouses). I think that mindset stems from a place of FEAR, which is very unbiblical for both men and women.
Absolutely!
Shelia said: And some teaching in the church I believe is downright dangerous, like that from Debi Pearl about how when a wife is abused it’s because we’ve provoked our husbands, or that the way to deal with any marriage problem (even severe sin) is to “win him without words.” This leaves far too many families in desperate straits, unable to deal with real abuse, or unable to confront sin and urge their spouses on towards godliness.
Some religious groups use “win without words (1 Pe 3:1)” to silence wives married to unbelieving and/or rebellious, disobedient husbands in ways that the Bible never intended.
ALL Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work (2 Tim 3:16). Last time I checked, ALL wasn’t limited or confined to just the verses that Paul and Peter wrote about women and wives.
The Bible (not Debi and Michael Pearl) tells us that “there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: (Ec 3:1) a time to be silent AND a time to speak (v. 7B).”
Being silent (without words) and speaking up are both Biblical and purposeful. It’s important that the wife of an unbelieving and/or rebellious, disobedient husband understand the purpose and benefits of both methods: silence (without words) and speaking up.
Silence (without words):
A wife who knows when and how to restrain her words has knowledge. “Whoever restrains his words has knowledge.” Pr 17:27A
A wife who controls her mouth can protect her own life, but the wife who has a big mouth could ruin everything. “Whoever controls his mouth protects his own life. Whoever has a big mouth comes to ruin.” Pr 13:3
If a wife talks too much, that could lead to sin, but wife who controls her lips is wise. “When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is wise.” Pr 10:19
Watching her tongue and keeping her mouth shut could help a wife stay out of trouble. “Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.” Pr 21:23
Speak up:
A wife can protect herself by speaking wise words. “What a fool says brings a rod to his back, but the words of the wise protect them.” Pr 14:3
A wise wife can bring healing by speaking up. “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Pr 12:18 “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Pr 16:24
A wife can deflect anger by giving her husband a gentle answer. “A gentle answer deflects anger…” Pr 15:1
When a wife gives her husband an honest answer, metaphorically, it’s like kissing her husband on the lips. “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” Pr 24:26
Pr 31:10 tells us that a wife of noble character “opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” Therefore, one of the primary functions of a wise wife is speaking (opening her mouth) with wisdom.
12When Esther’s words were reported to Mordecai, 13he sent back this answer: “Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. 14 FOR IF YOU REMAIN SILENT AT THIS TIME, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Es 4:12-14
Those who have read the book of Esther know that she didn’t remain silent (without words). She spoke to her husband the king about what was going on. As a result, Esther helped save the Jews from annihilation.
Some religious groups quote 1 Pe 3:1 (without words) disportionately. Being silent (without words) is Biblical, and it can beneficial. There is no denying that. However, the win without words response is NOT the only Biblical or beneficial response. The Bible also has a lot to say and illustrate about the value of speaking up in a timely, wise and gentle manner.
What a wonderful and balanced explanation! I may use this as a post in the future. Thanks so much for taking the time to write it all out, and I completely agree (and Leslie Vernick, the author of Emotionally Destructive Marriages, says very similar things in her books, too. There is a time for everything).
Sheila, you are doing a fantabulous job of not only answering delusional Pharisees, but teaching the rest of us how to use our noggins. So many people have rejected the claims of Christ because the same people who say they follow Him, throw women under the bus with a pious snout raised to heaven. It’s pure evil. Keep getting the truth out there. Some day this crazy ship will turn. (And for any smarty-pants eager to point out that fantabulous isn’t a word – lighten up and live a little.)
Sheila,
I just wanted to stop by to thank you and your lovely readers for the support you have shown me since my guest post was published. There are good and bad eggs in all walks of life, but my overwhelming impression of your community has been welcoming and friendly.
Best wishes to you all.
I know a lot of your readers are married with kids and so I’m probably in the minority being a young single. But like another young single commenter above, I’m planning ahead. I didn’t see much in the way of good marriages growing up in my family or church, but this blog has been amazing for me, so see such Christian advise and interpretations that make so much more sense than the ‘be a doormat’ theology I was used to! It changed my views on marriage a lot, in a really good way. And even though I know I’m not the target audience, like a non-christian reader I was learning and questioning and dealing with hurt and I actually quit reading comments before you started moderating as much as you do, because so many people were parroting the same biblically-unsound nonsense that had been so hurtful before. So thank you for all the work you do and for weeding out the bad as much as you do. And remember that comments sections can sometimes consist of a LOUD MINORITY (especially true for the internet, where people who agree often read w/o commenting.) Keep up the good work!!
Thanks so much, Sara! I’m so glad I could be encouraging for you, too.
I think it is interesting how people are always quick to jump on the “Women must submit to their husbands” verse, but forget that right above that verse, Paul says that we as Christians must submit to one another. Sometimes, there are things that a man must submit to his wife in (I can hear the gasp from every Debi Pearle follower) . For example -When she says “Get help or I am leaving” because he has an emotional disorder (such as I had to do when I realized my husband has PTSD from going to war). Or when she says “Change or I am leaving” because he is sinning (cheating (physically or with porn), lying, using drugs etc.). The man at that time must make a decision – submit or let his wife walk away. I am thankful that when things like that have come up, my husband has been willing to submit (not that he has committed those particular sins, but I have had to call him on a few). I am his wife and God made me to help him and who better to call him on his sin that the one who loves him more than anyone else on Earth. My husband and I have known each other for 15 years and will celebrate 15 years of marriage in August (we got married 4 months after we met) and the last 3 years have been awesome, because I called him on 2 major problems in our marriage and he submitted and got help. I am not saying that every wife should call her husband out, but there are times you just need to…You may be the only person who knows that he has the problem.
Thank you, Sheila for what you wrote here, it is so true. I hope what I have said is taken in the heart it was written. I firmly believe in submitting to my husband, but I also believe that as Christians we are to submit to each other and call each other out when it comes to sin I’ve even called out deacons on their sin and how they were leading a church).
“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
Nuff said!
Well done Sheila. I think you have handled this situation well. It must be very hard finding your blog used for the debates of those giving no thought to their responsibility of being an ambassador. It’s very disheartening. There are a minority who hold Christianity and patriarchy in the same hand without realising that they are definitely not the same thing. It’s hard but these people need your help too! Please don’t give up! Your theology of marriage and practical advice is an absolute treasure to find! I also want you to know that there are lots of us Christians out there who have healthy theologies of marriage and healthy marriage practice. Thanks for the reminder that ee need to speak up too.
You know, as a young woman who’s not yet married, I gotta say, all these conversations about submission make me question whether a “Christian” marriage is even something that I want. Many of the comments from Christian men both on this site and on the Marriage Bed site make me really nervous. I don’t want to be tethered for the rest of my life to someone who treats me like a lower status person that automatically owes him deference regardless of his behavior, and that is exactly what some of these men sound like they expect. One guy over on that marriage bed site referred to himself as his wife’s Lord and called her his sexual plaything. Unironically. And, no one seemed too concerned about that. Is that normal? Is that how most Christian men really think? I’m currently doing some online dating, and while I grew up in the Church and still go every once in a while, I’m hesitant to respond to Christian guys that message me, because I want a partner who can reciprocate the love and respect I give him- not a boss that only thinks about himself.
No, it’s definitely NOT how most Christian guys think, because that isn’t a proper Christian interpretation! And I’m sorry that so many guys really do give you that impression of Christianity. I can assure you that my husband sees me as his total partner, and we have a great time! There’s no lesser-greater thing, there’s only working to make each feel cherished. And that’s how it should be!
Sheila, I love your heart for marriages and I love how you handled this particular situation. So much needs to be taught to improve Christian marriages. Unfortunately there may very well be more healthy non-Christian marriages out there. Let’s continue to give Christ a good name both in our teaching as well as our marriages. Blessings.
Thanks for a very friendly and respectful marriage website.
Most marriage sites imitate each other because they know of what they do, astheybla eands old wives and make them feel downtrodden.
It’s sad to know that some men and even some indoctrinated women have no respect for anyone unless you are a husband
Sheila, I am going to comment before reading other people’s comments, just to try not to be influenced by them yet. I can always address them individually if I must open my mouth, and hopefully not insert foot.
I really appreciate the way you handled this topic. I personally hate conflict. I don’t post to get into debates but in hope that I can cause people to think about the issues in a way that lines up with scripture. After all, as a Christian, God is the final authority. I also assume you see the email address used in these comments and invite you to directly let me know if I post something that is harsh or can be taken as dishonoring to God. Of course, I also realize that you may get to many comments to handle things in such a manner, in which case you can, of course, delete my comments or reply with your thoughts. I will not be offended. As iron sharpens iron so do Christians sharpen other Christians as we seek God together.
Also, I have not received the impression that you want wives to take the position of authority or headship from the husband. God will not let us husbands off the hook – He will hold us accountable for how we lead our families. I do, however, see you agreeing with scripture that wives are partners with their husbands, able to warn them when they are going astray. My wife is not a doormat. She is not a maid. She is equal in value, even though we have different functions within our marriage. You seem to have a back for bringing this out in a way that honors wives, your primary audience, while not dishonoring husbands.
Thanks so much for that comment! That’s wonderful. And I don’t take ANY of your other comments you’ve left today as negative at all. Not at all. The one that inspired this was just so combative. I don’t mind disagreements, but attacks? No way. That’s not of Jesus, and it does not give Jesus a good name at all. Really bugs me!
I haven’t responded to all your comments cause I’m hard at work, but I saw this one and thought I should jump in! Glad you’ve had a good time reading today!
There is never a need to respond. Today is slow, so I have time to catch up. I pray you will get all that you need to accomplish done and have a wonderful weekend.
🙂
Sheila,
I know this is an old post but I just want to express how grateful I am for these words. I am a solid Christian in my twenties who has attended two Christian universities, yet I am not going to church at present due to my struggles with the narrow-mindedness and judgmentalism I see in the church (and Christian culture). As you mention, in part this is due to the loudest voices being the ones who (according to my understanding of Scripture) are wrong. I am begging God that my faith will make it. (If anyone reads this, I anticipate the shame to be bestowed on me due to my lack of church attendence. It does hurt, but it has no more power over me.) I recently found your blog and am a new faithful reader. I am not married or engaged; even so, I am refreshed by the grace and understanding that I find in your words, as one of the issues I struggle with is Christians who abuse their power, whether in marriage or in church, and use the Bible as a weapon to hurt and demean. So thank you! And God bless.
Oh, Natalie, I’m glad you found me, and let me just say that those voices do not really represent Christ, and there are many others out there! Don’t give up. There are some amazing churches that are not abusive and that do not treat women in this way. Stay away from the denomination that hurt you, but do try some others and do some research, because you may finally find the Christian community you’ve been longing for. I go to a great church; my kids go to great churches. And there’s none of this nonsense there at all. There really isn’t!